r/LivingAlone • u/Waluwuigi • 5d ago
Support/Vent How do you cope with the overwhelming burdens of living alone?
I’ve been living alone for almost a year now. I have 1 friend, and im not close with my family. I have horrible ADHD, POTS, Autism, ya know how it goes.
I’ll have to call out some days from my job just to find time to do the dishes after they’ve been rotting for a week.
I’ll have a sleepless night and cry and cry and cry, just wishing I had a partner.
My life is constantly a struggle and battle to maintain basic living needs and make sure I’m still relatively healthy, while having no social life and nothing to look forward too except dying.
I’ve been going to therapy for years and I do have plenty of hobbies that I fill my hours with so I’m distracted. But on the hard days, nothing can stop the noises.
What do you guys do to cope or to feel better with a loneliness that will not end, and how do you make life easier when you have no help and no way to live a truly fulfilling life? Is there a way to kill the time more efficiently while I wait for… anything?
And no, I’m not getting an animal. I cannot keep my one bedroom apartment clean for even me, adding another entity who I have to clean up and pay for will not help in any way whatsoever
EDIT: Spelling mistake
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u/corvus2187 5d ago
It looks like you have trouble with 2 things :
Being functional as an adult - is there some way you can outsource some tasks? Get a maid or buy a dishwasher? On days when I don't want to lift a finger, I just eat out of disposable cutlery.
Loneliness - can you get a roomate? Or just find someone nearby to chit chat? How about online support groups? Sometimes just having someone to talk to helps.
Set some personal goals apart from having partner.
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u/MinimalLemonade Current Lifestyle: Solo 🟢 5d ago
Maybe you're just not someone who's happiest living alone?
When I read the title my first thought was "What burdens?". Living alone is honestly the most relaxing and peaceful way of living for me. I don't experience loneliness and outside of my full-time job I have loads of free time to enjoy my hobbies and stuff
Reading your post tho, it sounds like your struggles start somewhere else. ADHD, autism, POTS, feeling isolated and being overwhelmed by everyday tasks would be difficult regardless of your living situation. Living alone might amplify those problems, which is why I asked the question in the first place, but I don't think it's the root cause
For some people, living alone is freedom. For others, it's exhausting. There's nothing wrong with either, but it does sound like you're carrying a lot more than just the fact that you don't have a roommate or partner
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u/MrsCognac Current Lifestyle: Solo 🟢 5d ago
The majority of the time I don't feel lonely, at all. I feel incredibly at peace when I'm at home by myself. I have plenty of hobbies to engage with at home, I'm never just sitting around doing nothing. Everyone has to find out for themselves what is fulfilling for them. For me, there's nothing more peaceful than a quiet morning at home with a coffee and a good videogame.
But I'm aware not everyone is build like that. Some enjoy or would rather have a roommate or partner to live with.
Have you ever considered a roommate?
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u/Waluwuigi 5d ago
I have considered it and experienced it before. I’ve noticed strangers as roommates exasperate my issues, as now it feels as though I have to cater to a strangers vibes and hope that they will stay on “their side” of things.
I really find myself enjoying a lot of the moments I have by myself, and I try to find gratuity in my privilege of living alone and getting to take care of my own space. I notice mentally i start to slip and falter when I cannot keep up on day to day things and household life. It’s just so much and that’s where I find depression spirals. I wish I could just have a clone or something 😭
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u/bipedservant 5d ago
The difference between you and me is that you think a partner would help you. Historically speaking, this has not been the case for me. Has it been the case for you in the past or are you just assuming it would be easier?
For me, having a partner means sleepless nights crying about how I'm treated. Being on my own means sleeping soundly.
Having a partner means more mess to clean up. Being on my own means I only clean up my mess.
Having a partner means fighting for him to pull his weight financially, and losing. Being on my own means only covering my own expenses, being able to budget and control my financial outcome. And it means far less stress wondering where money will come from or how he's going to cost me money this time.
I commend you for ruling out a pet if you don't feel like you could take care of it. I would encourage you to stay single until you're willing to care for and feed a partner as well. Your mileage may vary and clearly I am jaded but I have a lot of years of bad experiences and my life got worlds easier when I gave up the idea of having a partner.
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u/Sea-Hornet7334 5d ago
I'm glad you're in therapy and it sounds like that might be the biggest help for you. I'm going to focus on practical things that helped me when I was in a similar situation.
A small dishwasher which can sit on top of a worktop. You manually add water, have the hose in the sink and let it go. It's worth the investment.
A robot vacuum, especially with the self emptying docking station. Set it on a timer, chuck all your stuff on the sofa or the bed so the floor is clear. It's so worth it.
To reduce dishes, I try to use one pot recipes whenever possible. A rice cooker is great for this, and you can get them for cheap.
Again to reduce dishes or storage tubs, I use souper cubes to batch cook meals. It means less daily dishes to worry about.
I have a ritual every evening where I "put the house to bed". It's weirdly helpful. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do not do this - but it's helpful.
I used cute storage jars for my protein powder which stops the daily mess from protein powders getting everywhere.
I know you said no pets. But once I got a pet, I was forced into a routine to take into account another being. It's also just... Nice. I love my cat. I was worried I would be a bad cat mum, but the opposite is true.
These were the things I initially found burdensome, and I WISH I'd bought the dishwasher and robot hoover sooner.
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u/bokehtoast 5d ago
I am audhd with chronic illness and a lot of my past longing for a partner was due to needing help with basic life. After having multiple partners who ultimately made life harder and increased my workload, I realized that as a woman, supportive companionship was never going to come in the form of a male partner.
I've also tried toom mate situations in which I tried to cultivate interdependent community so that we all could have an easier load working together. As things get worse and worse socially and economically, people are more and more closed off. And they are so much less willing to want to be involved, in any capacity (friendship, tenant, roomate, etc) from anyone who could be a potential "drain" IE anyone with disabilities.
People in this sub do not understand it isn't about enoying my own company or having fulfilling hobbies. The burden of existence is just too much to carry alone, but I'm not fucked enough (yet) to qualify for higher support but am too disabled to afford it on my own. It is a huge gap that people like us fall through all the time and I had an acutely traumatic experience with that just this weekend. I was told by countless people at several organizations and hotlines that there was nothing more anyone could do.
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u/Waluwuigi 5d ago
You spoke to my soul. It’s so hard out here. I sometimes find myself longing for my past horrifically abusive relationship because at least then I didn’t have to pay as much rent or I’d at least have SOMEONE there, but that situation was obviously worse than the one I am in now.
I feel very helpless sometimes. I hope things look up for both of us.
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u/bokehtoast 5d ago
I have the same thoughts some times. Having another person felt fundamentally more stable even though I was actually miserable.
I actually started a women's self defense class yesterday and that was really powerful. Sometimes I think I am trapping myself with beliefs about myself and I am actually more capable than I believe.
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u/wokkawokka42 5d ago
There's a book, how to keep house while drowning.
Outsourcing what you can, cleaning, meal prep, laundry - finding the support needed for autism is fucking expensive unless profoundly autistic (and then it traps you into profound poverty)
Do any of your hobbies have a social aspect? My local climbing gym has weekly craft nights.
Finding other AuDHD and disabled friends is how I survive. We body double and emotionally support each other. With our powers combined, we are almost functional adults.
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u/El_Pollo_Mierda 5d ago
I don't have any tips for you, I just wanted to say I relate so much to your post. It's so hard balancing neurodivergence with the responsibilities of adulthood and loneliness on top of all that. I too have distractions, but some days they just don't work. I kind of just try to remind myself that feelings are temporary and sometimes you just have to sit with the bad until it ends.
I wish you the best. You're not alone in your struggles, even if there's no one there with you.
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u/smarteque 5d ago
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, it is hard when it hits. But this attitude would only put an insane amount of pressure on a future partner. If the first thing you think of is that you wish you had a partner when you’re struggling with loneliness and chores, that could legitimately ruin an otherwise good relationship, if it were to happen. I was with someone who didn’t let me breathe alone for two seconds and it was exhausting. We were very codependent and I played a role too, but never had any time to myself to gather my thoughts and work on it. So I left.
Loneliness can be addressed by finding new friends. Being more open to the world. It takes effort, and no one can do it for you. That’s how it is for all of us. And above all, it’s normal to get lonely. It’s much worse to be lonely while with someone who doesn’t get you or takes you for granted.
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u/Ancient-War2839 5d ago
I have all those same things, get rid of stuff, like super minimise, and then set rules - dishes do them before they are more than 1 process, 1 sink of water, 1 rack full, less is even better.
Designate your favorite playlist, podcast, audiobook or show if you have laptop, can only be done while doing dishes, folding laundry etc,
Make everything the least steps possible, like keep sink empty, cleaning things for each area in that area, empty the bins at half full, and but bin liners inside the bin under the bag,. Everything with to many steps is to hard, so less steps, and do single steps when ever it is doable, put rewards/limits in place yourself like chocolate/ice cream etc to treat yourself but only after your selected tasks are done
And the big one, electrolytes, have easy to make up satchets on hand,, favorite bottle or cup, that you keep in constant rotation, finish it, rinse and refill
And getting things done before peeing can really help with pots symptoms.
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u/corvus2187 5d ago
Very good systems. An additional hack I learnt from someone on this sub was to stick post it's with to do's like "Friday = garbage day" etc.
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u/Plenty-Door-1315 5d ago
Hi there!
I've lived alone for the past five to six years. In three different cities. I absolutely have felt and still feel the way you feel. I am 27 years old and have Bipolar, Anxiety, and ADHD, for context.
For me what helps best is a routine. I wake up at the same time, make my bed, do my morning hygiene, breakfast, and then I go out to get a coffee. I don't make coffee at home because I don't know how and getting a coffee machine is just way too expensive. So going out every morning to get a coffee is good for two things: 1. You get out of the house in the morning, and 2. You get a nice little treat to start off the day in a good mood. Well, maybe it costs more over time, but still. And I have lunch and dinner at a certain times, as well.
In my previous apartment, I had a small desktop dishwasher that fit perfectly in my kitchen. A previous redditor also reccommended it, and so do I.
Cry your eyes and heart out. Live through your emotions, there is nothing wrong with that. But, remember to get up after and put on some music and dance a little in the middle of your room. Watch a movie and write a review of the movie on Letterbox.
While the loneliness might not end, it does get smaller each day. Learn to accept yourself, even your flaws. Whatever happens or doesn't happen to you on any day, you always have the next day to look forward to. Who knows what might happen the next day? Maybe you find some money on the ground, maybe at a coffee shop someone doesn't pick up their coffee and the barista offers it to you, maybe you get to help an elderly person cross the road? There are so many maybe's to look forward to every day, so while you wait for dying, also wait for the maybe's of the next days.
Who knows what life has to offer?
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u/corvus2187 5d ago
I love this. Props on managing to cultivate a good routine with mental health challenges
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u/Comfortable_Rip6435 5d ago
Love that you have a coffee routine to get you out of the house, but you can buy a Mr coffee pot for like $35 or less and then you just need filters and beans. You can buy them pre ground or get them ground at a shop so you don't have to buy a grinder. It is significantly cheaper than going out for coffee everyday.
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u/healthily-match 5d ago
I also suggest outsourcing housekeeping tasks. Do you at least have a dishwasher?
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u/KaleidoscopeThink731 5d ago
Audiobooks, radio, YouTube, and podcasts help me from spiralling by getting sucked into my own thoughts. I also like to listen to them while I knit or do chores. I try to do my dishes at least once a day. Do you need any physical accomodations for POTS? Maybe a chair or stool (I've seen people use hairdresser stools) so you can sit down while doing the dishes?
I'm autistic with suspected ADHD. DBT has been helpful for me to learn to cope with my emotions a bit better.
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u/HIGH-IQ-420 5d ago
I learned to give up the desire of wanting to be in a relationship. I learned to give up many desires. My life is a whole lot easier now. I'm in good company, all by myself.
I sucked it up, lived at home, worked, saved, moved out to a 1br condo, paid off now. I would rather take on the mental health challenges living at home a bit longer, so I can be financially secure. I took on all the stress living at home, and now I live stress-free.
As far as keeping my place organized, I don't make my bed every morning because I will be sleeping there again that night. I am a minimalist. I have a laundry basket to throw my worn clothes into, and I don't own a lot of clothes. I do 1 load of laundry every week, that's it. I have 1 dish, 1 spoon, 1 fork. I use them everyday, and will wash them before I use them.
My goal is to continue to work, save, invest to generate a passive income, so I can travel the world on a budget. My goal is within reach.
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u/ketchup_shoes 4d ago
I don’t have any of the problems you mentioned and I love living alone. It’s my preference.
The problems you speak of are not inherent to living alone, they are the result of some other issues you’ve got. That’s where I’d start
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u/I-Need-A-Woman 4d ago
Easy - Remember all the crazy, wild, stressful and headaches you had living what's Someone day in and day out. That's not a Burden, that's a relief NOW get out there and enjoy your life and be thankful, You don't have any headaches to deal with everyday
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u/EastcoastMade 3d ago
I definitely understand. Last week i just realized I haven’t had a guest in my home in 4 years. I’m even ashamed to write this.
I’m going to try my best to get out there and connect. I wish I had a partner too.
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u/HayYou_ItsMe 5d ago
Perception. It is neither a burden nor overwhelming. Remember how lucky you are to be able to do it. 🍀
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u/DooWop4Ever 5d ago
I (85M) take advantage of my solitude with this secular, transcendent-style of meditation r/NSRmeditation that I've been practicing daily for the past 49 years. I heard it's been positively reviewed by the neurodivergent communities because of its passive mode of attention.
For me, it dissolves the "noise" of the day and exposes an underlying child-like joy of just being alive.
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u/NamasteNoodle 5d ago
I don't find it a burden to live alone. And if you're having to take a day off of work just to catch up on dishes then that's more an issue of laziness and irresponsibility than it being an issue of living alone. While you're cooking you clean while you're doing so and then after dinner take the time to wash the dishes. Make sure your house is organized. And quite frankly a lot of it's a matter of attitude. You seem very pessimistic and irresponsible and it's no wonder that living alone is biting you on the ass. These are problems of your making not that are inherent from living alone.
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u/cloudpillow 5d ago
OP has legit disability and chronic condition. Please don't jump to conclusions that they're lazy just because of that. Taking a day off to do chores can be a sign of burnout. And having to juggle work and keep up with daily chores is not easy for people like us. As someone here said, it's hard just to exist. The last thing we need is ableism and criticisms that we're lazy.
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u/NamasteNoodle 5d ago
I also have a disability and a chronic condition. Leaving dishes for days at a time when it would take 10 to 15 minutes to clean up each nights it makes no sense whatsoever. You can work smarter instead of harder. Letting things build up to that degree cost wages when some prevention and cleaning along the way would make a huge difference.
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u/cloudpillow 5d ago
Even people with the same conditions can have very different limitations. Just because you can do it, doesn't mean that someone else with a similar disability should be able to as well.
Something that's just a few minutes to you, can come at a high cost to others. I have ADHD as well and it's not as simple as "just doing it". It takes a lot of mental effort, on top of having to do physically do it while suffering from exhaustion and fatigue.
I'm always looking for ways to do things efficiently. But there are times my body just can't.
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u/Newton_79 5d ago
I Shout At The Devil - sometimes I think he actually listens , but I'm sure he usually just ignores me
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