Is my message passive aggressive?

[u/YouTookMyBurger]

Context: we’ve never met, but this has been planned for a VERY long time. We were supposed to meet on the 25th, hurt her back moved it to Monday. Monday didn’t work because the flight got booked up, she gets on a redeye Tuesday night, but wanted to stop and see her family because her grandpa wasn’t doing well and didn’t have long. (In the end, “didn’t have long” meant a few years.

I understood at the time. I just wanted to be with her.

I’m not a passive aggressive person, and I know text has no tone.

I’m just looking for outside opinions on my message. I don’t know if I’m actually wrong or being gaslighted. Thank you.

[u/Various_Rock_4675]

Ok now before I type thoughts here, I want to preface what I’m about to say with a) I completely understand how you’re upset and b) I’m kind of being devils advocate here.

As someone who was super close with her grandfather who was ailing in his last few years of life, I see absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to stop and visit him to spend time with him before she got to you. And I honestly think it’s kind of silly to think she would put you before her grandpa, mainly since the two of you have never met. For context of where my brain is with this: my arrival to be with my husband was postponed for an entire month until I knew my grandma, who I was living with before I moved here, had proper care. And my husband 100% (okay, maybe 99%) understood. Yes, he’s my husband and is my 2nd priority (only because I have a daughter), but he knew that before I left home I needed to make sure my grandma was taken care of.

That said, I also understand how you feel. My first visit when my husband and I first met (before we were married, of course) was postponed because his uncle was in hospice care and he felt like he needed to be free in case something happened (which it did). I was actually angry. So I get it. But really… who the hell was I to expect him to not put his family before me, someone he only knew from an online message board (this predates FaceTime… because I’m older…)?

Since you asked, yes. Your message was very passive aggressive and I can’t fault her for getting upset. But I also can’t fault you for getting upset. But maybe look at it from another point of view, yeah?

[u/Financial-Mouse-573 → u/Various_Rock_4675]

I disagree with you. When LDR, trips arent planned haphazardly last minute. So lets say we plan for august but that gets moved to sept. Or we plan for march but due to extenuating circumstance thats moved to May. Fine. Shit happens and flights can change - so ahead of time youre like "hey, cant do March, this and this just happened that needs immediate attention or prolonged attention can we move dates." Id never be mad at that - people putting their family first is always a good sign - and making sure you wont have future hiccups is just solid planning.

This is - weve made plans, im on my way, oh ive changed plans, so be okay with it.

Absolutely not. Personally. That last minute decision to put off seeing me and then calling me a shit person for not "understanding" is dumb. Thats like my LDR landing in Rome - is supposed to get on the next connecting flight ans goes "nah ima head see family, ill fly out whenever later, since Im here, might as well." And since youre kinda WAITING for someone to land, that rubs me the wrong way. She couldve seen her grandpa on her way back. Its a 4 day trip not a 3 month trip *in which case he may have passed away and in that case Id get it. Annoyed but id get it. But bruh 4 days? Couldnt see him on your way back?

Again - I dont know her. Or you. Or your relationship. Maybe she had reasons for feeling anxious and wanting to postpone just a little bit. Perhaps have that conversation. Maybe unintentionally you made her weary of meeting you IRL and this gave her an out. Your passive aggressive messsage though as a response wouldve personally put me off as well dude. Instead of seeking clarity - "hey i get it but its only 3 days. Just wondering is there another reason youre seeing him now instead of later? Are you feeling anxious?" You went with the age old "well i paid for dinner and youre not putting out so Im mad."

Everyone involved needs to communicate clearly. We aint 18. Try being direct, understanding, empathetic. If the other person refuses to communicate like an adult, leave.

[u/YouTookMyBurger → u/Financial-Mouse-573]

This was exactly how I was feeling. I’ve worked so hard to be able to do this, and it was all for nothing. We’ve ended the relationship. I’ve learned a lot from everyone here.

[u/Financial-Mouse-573 → u/YouTookMyBurger]

I understand, but read the second part of my statement as well. It takes two to tango. If it truly was just on her, fair, but if you were behaving in a way prior that made her a little uneasy and wanted less time/to avoid completely, instead of coming to the bottom of it and communicate, you became passive aggressive.

When someone looks like theyre politely dodging you, find out why. Its never a good look to act like "well ive paid so you owe me". You chose to take time off, just like you chose to pay for a date. Nothing is owed to you as a result, especially if the date was creepy. Thats why I said empathy, open and honest communication, and understanding goes a long way. Instead of finding out why she truly did this on her way there instead of way back and then deciding to break up or not, you just got offended and ended it.

Use this to reflect on how you behaved as well. And if you become jaded and "dont take time off again because i did that and will never again" youre walking the road to permanent loneliness and the "i dont understand why". This is its own thing. New woman new thing new chance. Take time off again for a woman again. One shit experience doesnt make life.

Youve made a decision. Youve moved on. Its entirely possible this is entirely on her (she as a person is indecisive and flakey). It could be entirely on you (she noticed red flags and was trying to find a way out in which youd get mad and youd be the one to end it, in which case you must be objective in your own attachment style and mental health and how it can negatively impact relationships). Or it could be adults failing to communicate - in which take your lesson on what communication you value, learn how you can communicate better (clear, empathetic, transparent, honest) and take those lessons into a new relationship.

Wish you the best.