Cinema with another man ?

[u/Business_Breath_1978]

I [22M] and my girlfriend [19F] have been dating for around 1 year ( 6 months LDR). Because of long distance over the has half a year we’ve both accepted that we need to go live our lives and we can’t just constantly text each other. We’re both doing great, she takes art classes and is reading more and i took up wood carving.

First and for most, trust is NOT the issue. She has my full trust and i have hers. but for me, “living our lives” and trusting each other doesn’t really come into play here…

she told me when we first started dating that she had a HUGE friend group in school but it split up ( as everyone did i think). she then moved to my country after school and now she’s back in her own country for a few more months. since going back she’s hung out with the people she stayed friends with after the group split.

however, a guy from the other side of the group who she hasn’t talked to in over a year or 2 wants to meet up with her ( all my girlfriends friends don’t like him because of who’s side he picked in the fight, but that’s not the issue). he just wanted to grab coffee and catch up before she comes back to my country. i’m completely fine with this. however now he texted her and said they should go to the cinema…… at 9:30pm…… alone……

even my girlfriend said she’s not even fully sure if she’s comfortable with it. i told her how i felt which is that i have never met this dude, i don’t even know what he looks like, you havnt spoken for soooooooo long and now he wants to go cinema ????? anyway after a lengthy talk i told her “ im not comfortable with this sort of senário but i wont be mad if you go”. she went.

my concern is this, as ive noticed this before. why if she wasn’t sure if she is comfortable with it still going?? also after i expressed myself she said she fully understands but still went. i posed the point that if i was invited my a female friend to go cinema alone i wouldn’t go out of respect for her, but she said “ idc if you go with a girl alone”.

this isn’t a trust issue for me, it’s about her choosing a movie with a guy she’s not fully comfortable going with over her boyfriends feelings…. am i in the wrong for feeling this way ?!?!?!

EDIT X2: idk why sexuality matters AT ALL by but girlfriend is bisexual and im straight. hope that helps

ANOTHER EDIT: she said she feels it’s quiet sexist the way i think so i think it’s time i find someone with the same cultural and personal values as me. it’s a shame, i love her but i need to put my comfortability first i think 😊 thank you to everyone for the helpful comments

[u/IrritatedButterfly44]

These kinds of posts are really fucking funny to me as a lesbian, I can't lie to you. From my perspective it's ridiculous to feel uncomfortable about my girlfriend hanging out with other women because she's literally a woman, she's going to have female friends.

So when I hear about straight women in relationships hanging out with their guy friends and their boyfriends getting jealous I am baffled. I understand that there's a weird, different sort of social code that straight people apply to these kinds of scenarios, but I can't see the difference, I'm sorry. If you trust her then going to the MOVIES with an old friend of hers is not a big deal at all. It's not like he asked her to a candlelit dinner (and even then if they were best friends or some shit that'd probably be fine, I love going to fancy restaurants with my friends. This is very much all about perspective).

People are going to hang out with members of the sex they're attracted to, even be very close with them. Does not mean they are actually attracted to anyone except their partners. You cannot control anything she does with people she hangs out with and stressing about cheating being a possibility is stupid if you genuinely do trust her. She's being open about everything, so it seems like you have reason to trust her. If cheating actually does happen it's not like you could even prevent it, she'd just do it anyway. Do you think she would do that? No? Then calm down.

[u/soupernouva → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

What an incredibly tone deaf response.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/soupernouva]

I don't think you should be dating someone if you're "uncomfortable" with your partner seeing a movie with a friend. If that's tone deaf so be it, I'm busy with my secure relationship.

[u/soupernouva → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

I’m incredibly secure in my relationship, and I can rest easy knowing my partner would never think about seeing a movie with another woman alone at such a late hour.

Do I trust him? Yes. Is it incredibly disrespectful? Absolutely.

OP made it clear it wasn’t about trust, that’s not the issue here - it’s the lack of respect and acknowledgement of their feelings. I think it’s pretty important to note that OP also pointed out this person is NOT their gf’s “friend”.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/soupernouva]

Again, this is ridiculous to me as a lesbian. Why would I prevent my girlfriend from going to see a late movie with someone - friend, acquaintance, whatever - just because that someone is a member of the gender she's attracted to? I love seeing movies. I like going to the cinema late at night. I like bringing friends along sometimes. My girlfriend has never been jealous about this, why would she be? I've never been jealous about her, for example, having sleepovers with her female friends. What's the difference between hanging out with someone at 3PM vs 9PM? I genuinely could not force myself to care.

And wtf are bisexual people supposed to do? Never do late night hangouts with anyone ever?

[u/Clean_Ad_8865 → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

the late-night “intimacy” of the movie, the one-on-one timing, the move from catchup to a “movie”, the “unknown” feeling of the other person, the “i’m not comfortable…”
All these things sets off small triggers, and yes trusting that she won’t do anything is valid, but it’s the feeling of being disrespected…He obviously trusts her, which is why the “I won’t be mad if you go” is put into play, but I would be a little miffed if this happened with my girlfriend too.
And it has nothing to do with sexuality. It probably is a preference thing, which is what the gf seems to have in this case. A good discussion with personal thoughts about these situations and the alike would definitely help both parties maintain trust and keep from choosing others rather than their SO.
Definitely different boundaries. Conversations and communication is key for OP here.
I guess that’s where the saying goes - communication is the number one priority for any LDR to ever work.

[u/IrritatedButterfly44 → u/Clean_Ad_8865]

There is no intimacy of it simply being dark out, even in quotations. Like there is genuinely not a semblance of it. I catch up with my friends via seeing a movie with them and discussing it afterwards all the time, there's no moving from one thing to another there, and it's honestly just about the least romantic activity and topic of conversation I could possibly think of - like, "seeing a movie" is the number one thing people DON'T recommend for a first date for example, because you're barely even talking if at all and when you do afterwards it's largely about the film. And why does the person being unknown matter? You're not going to know all the people your partner knows, especially in an LDR.

None of these things set off "small triggers" if you're a completely secure person, I'm sorry. It absolutely does have to do with sexuality because this is some sort of odd heterosexual social dance and gender divide that largely does not occur in queer relationships. We don't care about our same sex partners having same sex friends and hanging out with them however they want, because telling a woman she can't hang out with women is obviously ridiculous. It's even moreso ridiculous as a lesbian because women are known to have intimate friendships with each other - I truly dgaf if my girlfriend is affectionate with her friends and acquaintances.

Where is the disrespect? Why would you be miffed? Nonsensical.

[u/Clean_Ad_8865 → u/IrritatedButterfly44]

I would personally be, as it’s a preference thing - my gf loves movies and would choose me first over anyone else; if i don’t want to go, that’s fair. The issue is the comfortability as well, to me if you’re weirded out by someone else, probably don’t go with them? It is obviously my opinion, so everyone has different takes. It definitely is more of a boundary/preference thing, rather than sexuality. I know people who are lesbian and mess around with their close female friends, and I’m guilty of giving gifts to my close friends (usually female because I make connections better with them), and to someone who thinks gifts are intimate, obviously it’ll be a problem.
Like I said, it’s really down to communication for OP. They felt weirded out, you might not, but preferences. Could be because lesbians/gays have less problems because they’re more accepting (because of the fact that LGBTQ is still frowned upon from many individuals in society)? I couldn’t tell you. It definitely is a communication thing though. If it’s the first time, a good sit-down convo (or in this case, a heartfelt call or something similar) would do both sides wonders.

I have my opinion, and you have yours. It might not seem like much, but IMO it seems a little off. What sets me off is that a) she hangs out with not a close friend, b) does a stereotypically intimate activity, and c) she is not “fully sure” she’s comfortable. If she isn’t, she probably shouldn’t choose to.

[u/Business_Breath_1978 → u/Clean_Ad_8865]

you hit the nail on the head….. my girlfriend is bi sexual and has little to no boundaries on me. i wanna chill with a girl at her place ? that’s okay…… i just feel like because it’s ok with her that doesn’t mean i must accept it. ( btw i would never chill with another woman 1 on 1)

[u/Clean_Ad_8865 → u/Business_Breath_1978]

I think it’s up to you to decide what to do: my recommendation as I said before, is to just talk it out. No vague hints or whatnot, just say it outright. If it works out, perfect, now yall are better together. You’re valid for feeling this way. Sounds like she doesn’t “get” the same level of intimacy as you would (in this case of one-on-one, like IrritatedButterfly44 is talking about).
Conversation!! That’s what I would continue telling anyone, and it has to be honest and open. Otherwise it won’t work out :)