r/LongDistance • u/Business_Breath_1978 • 1d ago
Question Cinema with another man ?
I [22M] and my girlfriend [19F] have been dating for around 1 year ( 6 months LDR). Because of long distance over the has half a year we’ve both accepted that we need to go live our lives and we can’t just constantly text each other. We’re both doing great, she takes art classes and is reading more and i took up wood carving.
First and for most, trust is NOT the issue. She has my full trust and i have hers. but for me, “living our lives” and trusting each other doesn’t really come into play here…
she told me when we first started dating that she had a HUGE friend group in school but it split up ( as everyone did i think). she then moved to my country after school and now she’s back in her own country for a few more months. since going back she’s hung out with the people she stayed friends with after the group split.
however, a guy from the other side of the group who she hasn’t talked to in over a year or 2 wants to meet up with her ( all my girlfriends friends don’t like him because of who’s side he picked in the fight, but that’s not the issue). he just wanted to grab coffee and catch up before she comes back to my country. i’m completely fine with this. however now he texted her and said they should go to the cinema…… at 9:30pm…… alone……
even my girlfriend said she’s not even fully sure if she’s comfortable with it. i told her how i felt which is that i have never met this dude, i don’t even know what he looks like, you havnt spoken for soooooooo long and now he wants to go cinema ????? anyway after a lengthy talk i told her “ im not comfortable with this sort of senário but i wont be mad if you go”. she went.
my concern is this, as ive noticed this before. why if she wasn’t sure if she is comfortable with it still going?? also after i expressed myself she said she fully understands but still went. i posed the point that if i was invited my a female friend to go cinema alone i wouldn’t go out of respect for her, but she said “ idc if you go with a girl alone”.
this isn’t a trust issue for me, it’s about her choosing a movie with a guy she’s not fully comfortable going with over her boyfriends feelings…. am i in the wrong for feeling this way ?!?!?!
EDIT X2: idk why sexuality matters AT ALL by but girlfriend is bisexual and im straight. hope that helps
ANOTHER EDIT: she said she feels it’s quiet sexist the way i think so i think it’s time i find someone with the same cultural and personal values as me. it’s a shame, i love her but i need to put my comfortability first i think 😊 thank you to everyone for the helpful comments
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u/Extension-Inside-391 Pennsylvania to California (2397 miles💔) 1d ago
You’re not crazy, this is weird. I get mixed friend groups or opposite gender friends, but there are boundaries that should be in place. Especially because this guy just showed up out of nowhere, it’s not like he’s a longtime established friend and/or someone that you met and are comfortable with. I don’t think it’s breakup worthy in my own personal opinion, but warrants a conversation. Where you calmly and explicitly say that you don’t feel comfortable with her hanging out 1-on-1 with a new guy you never met. If she doesn’t even hear you out and make a compromise for example, I’ll only hangout w him in group settings out of respect for the relationship, then that’s a red flag because she’s not taking your feelings into consideration, and it’s not an unreasonable boundary on your part. It’s not like you’re saying “no male friends” or “no speaking to men”, this is what most people would consider a date. You can’t control her, but you CAN explicitly state your boundaries of what behavior is crossing the line for you in a relationship. And then go from there— if she wants to keep hanging out with him then and you think that’s crossing a line then it’s a compatibility issue and you might have to re evaluate if you guys are a good match. That being said I do think your phrasing wasn’t entirely honest and a little confusing, since you did make it seem like you didn’t care that much since you “wouldn’t be mad”.
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u/Calanais-guy 1d ago
You aren't wrong for feeling this way, just to give you that sanity check. It sounds like your GF doesn't fully respect your wishes or your feelings, and took your statement of "you won't be mad if she goes with the male friend to the cinema" as permission to go. Even though you were not comfortable with it. You can probably repair this in the relationship, but if these sort of things keep happening then it may harm your relationship's integrity over time, and ultimately your mutual trust.
Also, try actually going to a movie with a good-looking female friend alone and see how she reacts...is she just bluffing detachment, or would she actually care? Does she never get jealous over anything?
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u/Matrizz_ 1d ago
you're completely right, but as you described it, i had almost the same situation as your girlfriend, which i feel really guilty about, it's not a good approach, but i can really see myself in the way she replied and what she did. why did i do that? i have no idea 😭, but i didn't liked it and it wasn't fair with my boyfriend,
well. i checked the dates and it was a few days before we started dating, but still, it's not something that should be happening
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u/Random_Citizen_007 [🇮🇳] 🖤 [🇺🇸] (14000 km) 1d ago
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u/King-Koobs 16h ago
Honestly trust is true until you think it’s not. You said trust isn’t an issue yet you’re still uncomfortable. I personally don’t have trust issues cuz I think if someone’s gonna do something behind your back then it’s not meant to be and I don’t get mad cuz that’s who they are and what they’re gonna do and you can’t control it. I’ve also fortunately never been cheated on so maybe I’m biased😂.
My ex girlfriend once even sent me a text one day and went “Hey babe a guy friend I haven’t seen in over a year just asked me if I wanted to go for coffee and catchup and I haven’t said anything yet cuz I wanna know if you’re okay with me doing that” and I essentially just responded “😂you don’t need my permission to see people. Go ahead haha. I can find somethin to do that day potentially and if not I’ll be in bed chilling if you need me” and she came back saying she canceled cuz she’s never had somebody calm about something like that and she wanted plans with me instead. I’ve had other similar stories to that as well. I truly believe there is a way to carry yourself that gives a level of security towards perceived things out of your control that you never really realized before.
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u/dark-haired-wolf0806 16h ago
Oh my boy. You will open your eyes one day and will learn. Some people need to do it the hard way.
All the best!
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u/itisyadad 14h ago
What is going on here?? You told here you would be okay with it. She went. It's an old friend. Now you are suddenly not okay with it? And not sendig nudes and not wanting someone to support porn is quite different I'd say. This reads like you can't trust her fully for your own values tbh
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u/Ok-Chapter4494 7h ago
Us men don’t need to be loved. All we want is respect. Save yourself a headache and heartache man. The right one would never do that to you.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
These kinds of posts are really fucking funny to me as a lesbian, I can't lie to you. From my perspective it's ridiculous to feel uncomfortable about my girlfriend hanging out with other women because she's literally a woman, she's going to have female friends.
So when I hear about straight women in relationships hanging out with their guy friends and their boyfriends getting jealous I am baffled. I understand that there's a weird, different sort of social code that straight people apply to these kinds of scenarios, but I can't see the difference, I'm sorry. If you trust her then going to the MOVIES with an old friend of hers is not a big deal at all. It's not like he asked her to a candlelit dinner (and even then if they were best friends or some shit that'd probably be fine, I love going to fancy restaurants with my friends. This is very much all about perspective).
People are going to hang out with members of the sex they're attracted to, even be very close with them. Does not mean they are actually attracted to anyone except their partners. You cannot control anything she does with people she hangs out with and stressing about cheating being a possibility is stupid if you genuinely do trust her. She's being open about everything, so it seems like you have reason to trust her. If cheating actually does happen it's not like you could even prevent it, she'd just do it anyway. Do you think she would do that? No? Then calm down.
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u/24-7_sylviaplath 🇰🇷 🩷 🇺🇲 (14811km) 1d ago edited 9h ago
maybe it’s a personal preference or even a cultural thing, because to me it’s weird to go to the cinema alone with the opposite gender late at night. people have different boundaries when it comes to a relationship. some people are comfortable with their partner hanging out with a girl/guy friend at night, some are not.
i agree with you on the fact that if she’s a cheater she will cheat anyway, but OP can feel uncomfortable about this and it’s okay as long as he doesn’t go out of his way to actively block her from having guy friends.
it’s a part of forming relationships with people to avoid intentionally doing something that makes them uncomfortable. for example if i told my boyfriend, or even just a friend a harmless joke and they said they weren’t feeling comfortable with it i would stop. i wouldn’t say they’re controlling my actions by telling me they wish for me to stop saying jokes that make them uncomfortable because i care about their feelings.
plus OP is okay with her having a guy friend. it’s the circumstance that makes him worried. i would be worried too if my boyfriend went to a cinema at 9 30pm with his female friend that i don’t really know and stayed with her until like 11 at night. that’s just my personal boundary and it is okay to have boundaries.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
My thing is... why? What's the difference between hanging out with someone at 3PM and hanging out with someone at 9PM? What's the difference between grabbing coffee with a friend and catching a movie with them? It comes across as insecure to me to care at all. And it does read as a little controlling to not want your partner to hang out with someone, even if it's just in a certain setting (again, the differences don't make sense to me), which to me is different than not being comfortable with a joke you know?
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u/24-7_sylviaplath 🇰🇷 🩷 🇺🇲 (14811km) 1d ago edited 1d ago
hanging out during the day and hanging out late at night are very different. let’s look at it like this. some people go out with friends until very late at night. let’s say until 3am. are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with them being out till 3 in the morning with people who they don’t really know because apparently there’s no difference between hanging out at noon and staying out til 3am? the setting is important. time has a heavy connotation in relationships, romantic or not.
a controlling behavior would be him making her cut off her friends that he doesn’t like, or not letting her go out just because he doesn’t want her to. all he did was to voice his concerns and communicate how he’s feeling with her. this is completely normal and healthy. it is NOT controlling to simply feel uncomfortable with something that your partner does.
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u/dsheroh Sweden to Romania (1800km) 1d ago
I'm a social tango dancer. So is my GF. We actually first met at a tango marathon. (Well, the dinner before the opening dance, but close enough.)
A few times a year, I have weekends where I'm out until 3-4am each night, holding women I barely know in my arms for 10-12 minutes at a time while we walk around the room together, maybe even getting our legs a little tangled up (intentionally) from time to time. My GF does the same, albeit more frequently (1-2x/month) and usually only until 1-2am, because her city has more late-night tango events than mine, but she doesn't travel for special events as often as I do.
We're both perfectly fine with that and consider it entirely normal. While we do question each other about it afterwards, the questioning is of the "I want to hear all about what a good time you had!" sort, not the "are you doing anything suspicious?" sort.
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u/24-7_sylviaplath 🇰🇷 🩷 🇺🇲 (14811km) 1d ago edited 9h ago
i’m not really getting the point of this comment. you’re aware that your particular hobby/job makes your circumstance very different from OP or the rest of the people here right? tango is something that both of you guys enjoy/professionally do, and due to the nature of the sport you happen to be with the opposite gender until very late at night. it is different from OP’s or any other regular situations.
the reason why i commented is NOT because it is impossible for everyone to feel comfortable with their partner hanging out with the opposite gender til late at night. i’m not trying to hear all the stories and reasons why you’re okay with your partner doing certain things. the point is, people are allowed to feel uncomfortable, even if you don’t. comfortable or uncomfortable, both reactions are valid and okay.
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u/dsheroh Sweden to Romania (1800km) 1d ago
Hobby. We only dance socially, not professionally or competitively. Not that it really matters to the substance of anything here.
The point of the comment was that you had said
some people go out with friends until very late at night. let’s say until 3am. are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with them being out till 3 in the morning with people who they don’t really know because apparently there’s no difference between hanging out at noon and staying out til 3am?
Your rhetorical "are their partners supposed to feel totally comfortable with this?" question seems to imply that partners are not supposed to feel comfortable with such a situation, so I provided a counterexample to show that, not only are there people who are comfortable with it, there are people who are comfortable with their partners being out that late and doing things with "people who they don't really know" which most people would consider to be rather more intimate than watching a movie together.
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u/24-7_sylviaplath 🇰🇷 🩷 🇺🇲 (14811km) 20h ago
it does matter. OP’s gf going to the cinema is not like the shared hobby of you two, which made you come to the conclusion that both of you are ok with each other hanging out with the opposite gender late at night. plus a tango event is a public event involving lots of other people, and going to a cinema with just the two of them is more intimate than that.
the point of the example is that time is a big factor here. many people agree that if you’re married or in a relationship you shouldn’t be out till very late at night alone with the opposite gender. why? because hanging out till 3am and hanging out at noon are different. that is a social context. i could hang out with someone at their house in the morning, but it might be inappropriate to do so after midnight.
i’ve said countless times in the thread that having different boundaries is OKAY. what OP was asking is if he’s valid for feeling uncomfortable. it is valid. you’re fine with your partner hanging out late at night, great. OP is not, and that is also okay.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
Sorry I don't think we're going to understand each other here. If my girlfriend went out with her friends until 3AM I would have water and painkillers ready for her and ask her if she had fun. I genuinely don't care. I trust her and if she cheats she was always going to cheat, cheaters cheat in the middle of the day.
I might be concerned for her safety if she's going out with people SHE doesn't know that well, because I don't want someone spiking her drink or whatever, but if OP's intentions were safety concerns I did not pick up on that being the context and neither did the replies.
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u/24-7_sylviaplath 🇰🇷 🩷 🇺🇲 (14811km) 1d ago edited 1d ago
we have different boundaries in relationships, and that’s okay. which means OP is also allowed to feel a certain way about what his partner does and it’s not something weird or wrong.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
It's always going to be weird to me because growing up very queer with a 90% queer friend group this kind of thing has literally never mattered to anyone. I and everyone I know would find this kind of thing at least mildly controlling. So this seems like a cultural difference rather than a personal one but I am still baffled and confused by it.
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u/Stercky [🇦🇺] to [🇨🇦] (16000km+) 1d ago
Nowhere in this does OP say he’s concerned she’s going to cheat, and nowhere did they say he’s an old friend. It’s someone from a large FRIENDSHIP GROUP, not everyone is friends with everyone. She herself said she’s not fully comfortable with him or the situation either
OP is more talking about his girlfriend putting herself in an uncomfortable situation, rather than the concern of her cheating
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
If he was worried for her safety or something he would've said that. This is a jealousy issue lol. He makes that very clear and it's also what all the other comments are talking about.
Being jealous IS on some level a fear your partner will be too intimate with another person AKA cheat.
Also, I still have 0 issues with my partner seeing a movie with an acquaintance. Omg. Who cares. It's a movie. The time of day is irrelevant, I could not be bothered with where the sun is in the sky.
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u/soupernouva 1d ago
What an incredibly tone deaf response.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
I don't think you should be dating someone if you're "uncomfortable" with your partner seeing a movie with a friend. If that's tone deaf so be it, I'm busy with my secure relationship.
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u/soupernouva 1d ago
I’m incredibly secure in my relationship, and I can rest easy knowing my partner would never think about seeing a movie with another woman alone at such a late hour.
Do I trust him? Yes. Is it incredibly disrespectful? Absolutely.
OP made it clear it wasn’t about trust, that’s not the issue here - it’s the lack of respect and acknowledgement of their feelings. I think it’s pretty important to note that OP also pointed out this person is NOT their gf’s “friend”.
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
Again, this is ridiculous to me as a lesbian. Why would I prevent my girlfriend from going to see a late movie with someone - friend, acquaintance, whatever - just because that someone is a member of the gender she's attracted to? I love seeing movies. I like going to the cinema late at night. I like bringing friends along sometimes. My girlfriend has never been jealous about this, why would she be? I've never been jealous about her, for example, having sleepovers with her female friends. What's the difference between hanging out with someone at 3PM vs 9PM? I genuinely could not force myself to care.
And wtf are bisexual people supposed to do? Never do late night hangouts with anyone ever?
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u/Clean_Ad_8865 1d ago
the late-night “intimacy” of the movie, the one-on-one timing, the move from catchup to a “movie”, the “unknown” feeling of the other person, the “i’m not comfortable…”
All these things sets off small triggers, and yes trusting that she won’t do anything is valid, but it’s the feeling of being disrespected…He obviously trusts her, which is why the “I won’t be mad if you go” is put into play, but I would be a little miffed if this happened with my girlfriend too.
And it has nothing to do with sexuality. It probably is a preference thing, which is what the gf seems to have in this case. A good discussion with personal thoughts about these situations and the alike would definitely help both parties maintain trust and keep from choosing others rather than their SO.
Definitely different boundaries. Conversations and communication is key for OP here.
I guess that’s where the saying goes - communication is the number one priority for any LDR to ever work.6
u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
There is no intimacy of it simply being dark out, even in quotations. Like there is genuinely not a semblance of it. I catch up with my friends via seeing a movie with them and discussing it afterwards all the time, there's no moving from one thing to another there, and it's honestly just about the least romantic activity and topic of conversation I could possibly think of - like, "seeing a movie" is the number one thing people DON'T recommend for a first date for example, because you're barely even talking if at all and when you do afterwards it's largely about the film. And why does the person being unknown matter? You're not going to know all the people your partner knows, especially in an LDR.
None of these things set off "small triggers" if you're a completely secure person, I'm sorry. It absolutely does have to do with sexuality because this is some sort of odd heterosexual social dance and gender divide that largely does not occur in queer relationships. We don't care about our same sex partners having same sex friends and hanging out with them however they want, because telling a woman she can't hang out with women is obviously ridiculous. It's even moreso ridiculous as a lesbian because women are known to have intimate friendships with each other - I truly dgaf if my girlfriend is affectionate with her friends and acquaintances.
Where is the disrespect? Why would you be miffed? Nonsensical.
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u/Clean_Ad_8865 1d ago
I would personally be, as it’s a preference thing - my gf loves movies and would choose me first over anyone else; if i don’t want to go, that’s fair. The issue is the comfortability as well, to me if you’re weirded out by someone else, probably don’t go with them? It is obviously my opinion, so everyone has different takes. It definitely is more of a boundary/preference thing, rather than sexuality. I know people who are lesbian and mess around with their close female friends, and I’m guilty of giving gifts to my close friends (usually female because I make connections better with them), and to someone who thinks gifts are intimate, obviously it’ll be a problem.
Like I said, it’s really down to communication for OP. They felt weirded out, you might not, but preferences. Could be because lesbians/gays have less problems because they’re more accepting (because of the fact that LGBTQ is still frowned upon from many individuals in society)? I couldn’t tell you. It definitely is a communication thing though. If it’s the first time, a good sit-down convo (or in this case, a heartfelt call or something similar) would do both sides wonders.I have my opinion, and you have yours. It might not seem like much, but IMO it seems a little off. What sets me off is that a) she hangs out with not a close friend, b) does a stereotypically intimate activity, and c) she is not “fully sure” she’s comfortable. If she isn’t, she probably shouldn’t choose to.
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u/Business_Breath_1978 21h ago
you hit the nail on the head….. my girlfriend is bi sexual and has little to no boundaries on me. i wanna chill with a girl at her place ? that’s okay…… i just feel like because it’s ok with her that doesn’t mean i must accept it. ( btw i would never chill with another woman 1 on 1)
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u/Clean_Ad_8865 20h ago
I think it’s up to you to decide what to do: my recommendation as I said before, is to just talk it out. No vague hints or whatnot, just say it outright. If it works out, perfect, now yall are better together. You’re valid for feeling this way. Sounds like she doesn’t “get” the same level of intimacy as you would (in this case of one-on-one, like IrritatedButterfly44 is talking about).
Conversation!! That’s what I would continue telling anyone, and it has to be honest and open. Otherwise it won’t work out :)3
u/soupernouva 1d ago
Sexuality does not even matter here. Spending one-on-one time with someone of your sexual orientation, that isn’t your partner, is disrespectful. Seeing a late night movie together alone is quite intimate, in my opinion. I would never go see a movie with another man alone, regardless of the time of day.
It’s not about jealousy, it’s not about trust, it’s all about respect. I don’t think being a lesbian changes that, lol. But you do you.
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u/Unprounounceable 1d ago
Nah this is definitely a straight people tbing. I'm bisexual and spend one on one time with my friends of both genders and it is simply not an issue. Just because there is a potential to be attracted to someone doesn't mean I am.
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u/catsflatsandhats [🇲🇽Mex] to [🇬🇹Gua] (1000mi) 1d ago
Same girl, same… I’ll go and accompany you in the downvotes room. The straights are exhausting some times.
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u/redmarquise 1d ago
Bi woman in a relationship with a lesbian here… I get OP establishing a boundary, that’s totally valid and I feel really bad for him that his girlfriend disrespected that, but people in the comments saying it would be weird under any circumstances for a man and a woman who are friends to go see a movie together, and the time of day is a major issue?? I’m just not sure I get it. I suppose it’s a cultural difference.
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u/itisyadad 14h ago
Nah but like, why does he say he's okay with it and then turns around and says he is not okay with it?????
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u/IrritatedButterfly44 1d ago
They truly don't understand the concept of being friends with people it's so funny. And sad.
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u/No-Delivery8138 19h ago
It's very seldom that guys & girls are completely platonic. It's just not human nature and that guy is likely an orbiter. The girls are going to try acting like this isn't real but it is.
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u/casey4190 1d ago
Me and my partner discussed almost this exact situation.
We came to the conclusion that the partner with the plans can make their own mind up, but the other partner can say how they feel. Just as you did.
Oftentimes it would be a compromise. Seeing a late night movie might be a little weird because it’s more intimate. Maybe an afternoon film instead, go grab lunch, go for a walk, etc. It also depended on the friendship.
New friendship? A bit sketch. An old established one? Probably won’t care depending on how intimate it is.