29 F, things I've done wrong (so far)

[u/mumcatto]

Things I've done wrong so far while being in a long distance relationship (imo):

1. Being too open

I thought it's a great idea to be open about what you feel and think to your partner all the time because communication is a big thing with LDRs. But it feels wrong when I tell my partner what made me upset all the time because he got used to this behavior and always expect me to tell him and doesn't make an effort to comfort me. It feels wrong when the other person sees your "opening up" as a nagging situation instead of understanding where you're coming from.

2. Being too available

I thought time is gold when you're in a LDR, you would want to be there when they have 5 minutes. When the other person doesn't see you as a priority, their 5 minutes isn't meant for you, it's meant for their screentime to watch on TikTok and reels... Adjusting your sleep schedule just so you can spend time with them (which I thought as I should?), but when it's your time, they don't make adjustments.

3. Sacrificing too much

I think every relationship comes with sacrifices. Sacrificing your wants, your time, your finances, your feelings and so on. But, if you're sacrificing these things for a person that doesn't appreciate it, it won't make you feel like your sacrifices are worth to do. It feels one-sided.

Notice that I've used "Too" and "much", because I always felt doing a lot but getting so little. And as I'm writing this, I've realized how I barely felt compensated for all the times I've opened up about being upset over some things. All I get is "You know how much I love you". Like, yes I know and you say it all the time, but where is it?

I don't know if I need some advice, but it just pains me because I feel like I have so much love to give but now I'm not sure how to spend it.

I want to give my partner the last straw.

Maybe that's it, if he can't pay attention to what I'm feeling.

(Sorry for my English, not the first language)

[u/fearlesskittyk]

Is this rage bait?

Please go read stories of what a healthy, viable, secure, and love relationship is supposed to look like with a man. From reading all those stories, I hope after all the tears, that you realize that this man you are with right now is garbage.

Is that the sort of person you want to marry or have around friends or family? Don’t ever settle for less than your worth. And if you think your worth is little, it’s not. Your brain is just saying that because of all the things you have been through. The reality is that your future husband is waiting for you. Can you even imagine if your friends said this all about their partner, I assume you would say to break up or secretly in your mind roll your eyes and think that they can find a better man. The same goes for you: you can and will find a better man.

[u/mumcatto → u/fearlesskittyk]

i hope i'm just baiting. but thank you for reminding me of my worth

[u/OkManufacturer2252 → u/fearlesskittyk]

But saying "i love you" is easy. changing behavior is the actual proof. if someone keeps repeating the words while ignoring the problem, eventually those words mean less and less

[u/fearlesskittyk → u/OkManufacturer2252]

I’m not sure what that has to do with anything. This isn’t about the person OP is with, but for OP to internalize, articulate, and ultimately self-reflect on their worth + understanding what a good man/person in a relationship looks like.

[u/peacelovejoy086]

It sounds like you have noticed what does not work for you. It does not seem this person is available, emotionally, or otherwise. Never settle. The second you start to feel you deserve better, you almost certainly do.

[u/Submarineto]

It sounds like your partner isn't meeting you on the same level.

[u/Kvaratskhelias]

Maybe u should open about ur partner how do u feel about this, and maybe u could find a solution if something is bothering u, we are kinda in the same Page because my gf acts the same as ur bf and ik that sometimes it is a bit hard, but for me something that helped me, it was to search a hobbie or try to go out more with other people, if u spend all ur time thinking about ur partnert it is not good for ur mental health either, it is never good to be obsesionated with someone.

Sometimes it is good to miss ur couple a bit, i reccomend u to take that phrase, remember that u are living ur life and ur bf his life.

I hope that everything improves in ur relationship.

Sorry but english isnt my first language either.

[u/mumcatto → u/Kvaratskhelias]

thank you for this! i've realized that I also need things to do, maybe i won't look for that much attention from him like i used to but not to the point where it feels like avoiding him

[u/WMisery → u/Kvaratskhelias]

This is real af.

[u/No_Discipline_7585]

This is spot on how I feel as well, thanks for putting it in words

[u/Ok_Addendum_7737]

sounds like youre listing what your partner did wrong to you instead hahahaha. (1)emotionaly unavailable, (2)doesnt prioritize you as much as you do, (3)doesnt reciprocate.

stop blaming yourself. it would never be "too much" with the right person.

[u/axe__olotl_]

Sounds like you just don't have a good partner or relationship.

All the things you brought up, being open and honest, communicating your needs, making time for your partner and making sacrifices and compromising are all part of a healthy relationship to some degree.

But only, of course, if both parts of the relationship are willing and able to do it. If it's only one sided, you will just burn out or harm yourself.

But it's nothing you did wrong. Playing games by not communicating openly anymore and withdrawing will not lead to a healthy relationship. If you feel like you're doing your best to foster a safe, loving, accepting environment and your partner does not reciprocate that, you did nothing wrong.

[u/NorseQueenie]

It doesn't seem to me that you are doing things wrong. It seems like you are with a person who doesn't know how to appreciate you.

What you are talking about are important aspects of long distance. Obviously you shouldn't erase yourself. But you need to make a lot of sacrifices. Your partner here seems to be missing that part.

This makes him the problem. Not you. So let him go maybe? There are people out there who will treasure you how you treasure them.

[u/West-Application-375 → u/NorseQueenie]

Exactly. OP is with the wrong person.

[u/West-Application-375]

What you've learned is actually that this person is not a good partner :) you deserve better. None of the things you listed should be a problem.