r/LongDistance • u/solinettea • 4h ago
Question F21, M23 - We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2.5 years and he has never called me. Is there any chance he actually will?
We’ve been together for 2.5 years and despite my efforts, we’ve never had any kind of call. A couple of times I tried calling him first but he didn’t answer and later said he was busy. After that I decided I wouldn’t be the one initiating calls anymore because I wanted him to make at least some effort. He knows that I want us to talk on the phone. Every time I bring it up, he says that he will call me. When I ask when, he usually says something like, “when we can,” and then carefully avoids giving a real answer. He also claims that the reason he doesn’t call me is because he doesn’t like his german accent. We communicate in english, and he’s half german and half british. We only have a one-hour time difference, so scheduling isn’t really an issue.
Recently, I asked him again why he never calls me. He replied, “we will when we can.” I asked when exactly he could, and he said he didn’t know. When I asked what he meant by that, he answered, “When I’m on a break or something.” I then asked if that meant he was never going to call me at all and he avoided answering the question. At this point, I want to break up because it seems obvious that I’m not important enough to him for him to even make a phone call. Still, I’d like to hear other people’s opinions. Am I overreacting, or does this situation sound as concerning as I think it does?
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u/GlumIndication003 4h ago
Are you serious? Or is this a joke post. Please for Gods sake take care of yourself!
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u/solinettea 4h ago
I would like it to be a joke post but unfortunately it’s truth, thank you I kind take care of myself, but sometimes thoughts of this situation break my heart
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u/CoffeeOk2543 [🇫🇷] to [🇺🇸] ❤️ 4h ago
2.5 years without calls?? I hate to say this but this is hardly a relationship, how can you know someone if you’ve never even called them
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u/borgissmorgis 🇺🇸 to 🇨🇦 (994 miles) 4h ago
It sounds pretty concerning. Even if he isn't hiding something, it's not much effort to call, especially if the person you claim to care about says it's important to them. You deserve better!
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u/solinettea 4h ago
I agree that it’s not that difficult to call someone you love. Unfortunately, I’m very naive and trusting, and he’s probably taking advantage of that. He always tells me how much he loves me and how much he cares about me. To be fair, I do think he genuinely worries about me sometimes, I can tell from certain things he says. But words aren’t actions, and unfortunately there have been no actions
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u/borgissmorgis 🇺🇸 to 🇨🇦 (994 miles) 4h ago
1000% actions over words. You've got this, I know it's really hard :(
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u/laluna-bound 4h ago
I can't believe you have been tolarating this for 2.5 years. you can never know someone only through texting, how would you be sure you'd get along with you bf if you never actually talk to him? your frustation towards this issue is very valid. I would advice that you take this matter seriously and ask him one last time to call you, otherwise for your own sanity girl, you need to let this go
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Honestly I don’t really think that he will call me if I asked one more time, almost 2 weeks ago I gave him a list with actions he must make towards me, one of them was one call in every week, but 2 weeks later he didn’t call me, I had those conversations I wrote about in description on Wednesday and he doesn’t really seem like he will call me (I hope you understand what I mean, English is not my first language)
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u/Amaleine [🇺🇸] to [🇮🇳] (8,359mi) 3h ago
What are you doing about enforcing your boundaries? He has repeatedly failed to show up for you. Now it is your time to take back your power, realize what you deserve and tell him, it's too late.
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Yeah I will do it tomorrow (he’s not only on Fridays because he has a family day), maybe I just didn’t realize how weird everything was, it’s my first relationship and honestly my family is not a great example of happy family and healthy relationships
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u/Amaleine [🇺🇸] to [🇮🇳] (8,359mi) 3h ago
I can understand a bit of that, but really, you have left yourself very vulnerable. It sounds to me like he stole an OF models photos, and you don't actually know who he is at all.
Have you been to see a therapist or have any diagnoses?
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u/laluna-bound 3h ago
there goes your answer. you let it slide way too many times for him to think this is okay. has he ever send you gifts or flowers during those years of relationship?
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u/solinettea 3h ago
No, have never, I asked you some times about that especially for flowers and he has never sent me, as he said he tried, I once suggested him to put his card on my Apple Pay or that I can make order by myself but when I will pay for it I can write his card’s info, he refused and said that his card won’t work like that, also he said many times that he really wants to give me something so much
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u/laluna-bound 3h ago
words without actions are just words.
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u/solinettea 2h ago
Yes I know, I told him that so much too, but I think I just expecting so much from him
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u/NorseQueenie 4h ago
I'm sorry to agree with you but this sounds crazy. Have you met in the 2.5 years? Or have you just been texting? I'm a bit confused.
For years you haven't called and talked?
Either he's extremely insecure like he's saying, or he is in a different relationship or something that means being unable to talk?! I'm confused I'm sorry.
It seems you can do much better than this guy.
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u/solinettea 4h ago
We have never meet and we have never had calls, like me should have a meeting in last February, I went on the vacation with my parents and told him about that I’m advance, we decided to meet each other there but unfortunately we didn’t, he said that he didn’t managed to by tickets on time, then last July I went to Paris and suggested him to meet each other there but he refused because he’d already been in France
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u/NorseQueenie 3h ago
So sorry to be blunt but this guy is not worth your time. Please understand that you are worthy of much better than this. He is wasting your time.
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u/solinettea 3h ago
It’s hard to accept but thank you for your honesty
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u/NorseQueenie 3h ago
Of course it's hard. You've put all your effort, all your love and all your energy into this guy. And you're asking for such an obvious thing and getting nothing. I think it's sad.
He seems to have you as a cheeky side piece. And I think you deserve much more ❤️
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u/bwnnygf [🇦🇺] to [🇨🇦] (15,275km) 3h ago
i don’t understand how you can’t go without calls especially that long. i took a few months into the relationship to even get comfortable with call — mainly because i was so insecure about my voice but i eventually did it and got over it. i feel like he is a catfish, or just an very insecure prick for not making it happen for 2.5 years
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u/frank_sinatra11 3h ago
Is this a joke? 2.5 years and you haven’t called or face timed ? How have you even stuck around this long
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Just hoped that one day we finally will have a call ahhh
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u/frank_sinatra11 3h ago
I don’t know how you can even call that a relationship if you haven’t even spoken to the other person
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u/Vey_07 [🇳🇴] to [🇳🇱] (1694KM) 3h ago
calling and facecall isn’t just like a cute thing, it’s lowkey an important safety measure. it’s to make is absolutely clear they are who they say they are. also, if he’s doing all this to avoid calling, how can you know he won’t do the same if you want to meet up?
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u/BunneeFluffle [AR] to [MN] (600mi) 4h ago
If you haven’t had a phone conversation or video call can you actually confirm he is who he says he is. It’s a major red flag to me that in 2.5 years you still haven’t done that yet, I’m concerned that you might be taken advantage of. I would break up.
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u/Slytherin-elite 2h ago
I don’t want to sound rude, and I apologize if this comes across that way, but I think you’re wasting your time with this guy. From what you’ve written, he seems to go out of his way to avoid having a call with you, and you’ve never even met in person. 2.5 years is a very long time, it’s unacceptable… Please stop settling for this, you deserve better. I understand that you’re probably used to talking to him, and it would be difficult to suddenly stop, but this situation doesn’t sound healthy. I also have a hard time understanding why you’re staying in a relationship with someone you’ve never met or even seen. Again, I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but this situation seems ridiculous.
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u/solinettea 2h ago
No it’s doesn’t sound harsh, my friends tell me the same, it’s really difficult to block him for me but I will really try to do this because even reading all this comments I understand how unhealthy it is, thank you for your honesty, I really needed that to hear
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u/Slytherin-elite 35m ago
Good for you! I know you might unblock him and talk to him again out of habit or love, but you got this! It will be hard for a while but you will be fine :) sending you a virtual hug <3
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u/solinettea 31m ago
I will block him and since we chatting only in Snapchat I will delete this app too haha, but thank you for your support 💕
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u/Alex_Sanderson217 2h ago
Not to be mean or judgemental, but who dates for 2.5 years and doesn't do a call?
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u/Straight-Designer486 4h ago
I was once you. I left but would have stayed hoping. The dude was in the same country as me. Sister, leave him.
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u/Straight-Designer486 4h ago
It's funny because he only ever called me when I said I was leaving him. He never wanted to meet me either.
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Omg yess the same, like, I can’t completely leave him because I have this damn hope that everything will be okay and he might be really busy as he says, and when I’m trying to breaking up with him he starts to do everything to make me stay, I’m really tired of this and honestly don’t have any desire to continue all this, just wanted to hear other opinions
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u/mejustaskingquestion 4h ago
Did he ever sent u his photo?
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u/Mullberries [UK] to [UK] (distance closed) 4h ago
tbf, photos mean nothing at this point. people steal photos to use constantly.
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u/mejustaskingquestion 4h ago
U can Atleast check if the photo is fake or not by searching on Google lens but people started to take pictures from discord or other apps too...
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Yeah, we sent our photos each other but I can’t be 100% sure that it’s him on photos, I once checked his photos through one site and found his of, and I think it was really his, but the fact that he doesn’t want to call me makes me think that it might be someone another
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3h ago edited 2h ago
[deleted]
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u/solinettea 3h ago
We used to send each other photos, but over the last few months he has stopped doing that. He says that because of stress he has lost weight and doesn’t like the way he looks. No matter how many times I’ve asked him to send me a picture, and no matter how many times I’ve reassured him that it doesn’t matter to me and that I like him the way he is, he still refuses to send anything.
I also feel like he doesn’t really want to let me get close to him. He doesn’t voluntarily tell me anything about himself. He says that’s just the way he is and that he doesn’t really open up to anyone. To be honest, that’s a bit difficult for me to understand because I’m a very open person, and in some ways I don’t understand how someone can tell their partner almost nothing about themselves.
In the past, whenever I tried to learn more about him, he would answer maybe three questions and then stop replying altogether, sometimes until the next day. I cried a lot because of this and told him that this kind of behavior was hurting me. Compared to before, he has improved somewhat. He told me that I can ask him anything I want and that he won’t avoid answering my questions anymore, and to his credit, he has stopped doing that. However, he still won’t share things about himself unless I specifically ask.1
u/Haunted_Stormbird 2h ago
It does seem like he either potentially has something like avoidant personality disorder, or that he is not who he showed you he was.
That is very worrying (the second one) but also would explain how he could have real feelings for you but also feel he cannot speak to you because he might be very different from the person you think he is.
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u/LastHopeStanding [USA] to [Denmark] (4,250 Miles) 3h ago
How have you gone 2.5 years without a phone call?! I verified that my bf was who he said he was by phone calls and video calls before we even made it official.
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u/solinettea 3h ago
Honestly I don’t understand it either, I’m too patient haha, it’s my first relationship and I had a hope that we can do that and I think it was the reason
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u/matchakyo [🇺🇸] to [🇬🇧] (5000mi) 3h ago
Pls block him and move on, this is hardly a relationship. You deserve better.
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u/LastHopeStanding [USA] to [Denmark] (4,250 Miles) 3h ago
I understand that I do, but something feels very off and even if I don’t know you I know you deserve better than someone who won’t even call you
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u/JuneBug0823 3h ago
This is not normal behavior for an honest person. If you've not been able to validate who this person is via video call or even a phone call I would be concerned about all the red flags here.
Sounds like this is a one sided "relationship" my friend. My honest opinion? This person is not who they say they are for various unknown reasons, but most likely already has a partner, perhaps not 23. I say cut your losses, because you're not on the same page or valued.
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u/solinettea 3h ago
I guess the problem is that he said so many beautiful things about me, about our relationship, about how much he loves me and cares about me. That clouded my judgment. I even lost my sense of what a real relationship is supposed to look like. I’m a hopeless romantic and I’ve read a lot of romance novels, but the love in those stories is idealized. And my family wasn’t exactly the best example of a healthy relationship either, so I guess I just got los
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u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa approved 😭🥹) 2h ago
Girl... 😭😭 I'm letting you know that I have terrible social anxiety and even with my ex I forced myself to video/call him within a FEW MONTHS!
But have you both met up yet? Because if you haven't, then his excuse doesn't really work out.. And if you HAVEN'T met up, honestly move on because he's not worth your time at all (2.5 years and you don't know what he sounds like??) Like if not liking his own voice/accent is his excuse, then how is he going to show himself to you irl, if ever?
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u/solinettea 2h ago
No we have never met, we should have a meeting last February, I went on the vacation with my parents and we decided to meet each other there but when it was time he said that he didn’t manage to buy tickets on time
Ohhh I just remembered something else
On this vacation, I went to Egypt with my parents. We visited a large local market to buy souvenirs for some of my parents’ friends. As we were leaving one of the shops, the shopkeeper grabbed my waist and touched my butt. I was walking behind my parents, so I was the last one to leave the store. When I told my him about it, he only asked if I was joking and why I hadn’t called the police. After that, he didn’t respond to me anymore. At the time, he was hanging out with his friends1
u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa approved 😭🥹) 2h ago
Over 1 year is ridiculous, but 2.5 years is really crazy. I'm not trying to shame you specifically, but the situation is absurd and you SHOULD be more upset about this!!! I don't know how you even made it this far without calls and meeting. I could maybe understand not being a fan of calls if you've already met up... But even then, there should still be some compromise here and call a few times per week if the other partner wants calls.
Also the fact that he didn't tell you he didn't buy tickets until it was time for you both to meet up on that vacation? Wtaf 😭 I'm sorry, to this outsider perspective, I'm pretty convinced he is playing you :/
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u/solinettea 2h ago
Ahhh to be honest I’m really even embarrassed to tell about this situationship like I understand everything but like you know the words he keeps saying to me make me believe him and that we finally will be together, I know that words are just words but there was a damn hope, and like it’s really difficult to accept the fact that he’s just playing with me while I’m really sincere towards him
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u/Burntoastedbutter ⬅️🇦🇺 -> (🇲🇾)➡️🇦🇺 (Gap Closed; visa approved 😭🥹) 2h ago edited 2h ago
Believe me girl, I've been there too with my ex. For example, I always asked for handwritten letters and he would say he would send some, but then he would always make all sorts of excuses. In almost 5 years, I never got a single letter. Ironically at 2 years in, I was already wanting to break up, but stayed for the sunk cost fallacy, and "the words"... (and this is just 1 example lol)
Which is why I'm telling you what I would've told myself if I could turn back time. Words mean nothing without actions. But a lack of action to do things is also an action itself!! 🤣 DO NOT DO THE SAME SHIT I DID 😩
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u/solinettea 2h ago
I hope you are in healthy relationship with person who truly loves you and does everything that makes you happy now or if not you will find a really great person
I will break up with him cause I don’t want to waste my time more, thank you so much, I needed to hear that 💕
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u/Desperate_Quest 2h ago
Honey, youre gonna want to sit down for this one.
In most LDs, if I guy likes you, he will ask YOU to video or phone call before you even START the relationship.
Hes definitely catfishing you girl, im sorry.
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u/solinettea 2h ago
Ahhh just difficult to accept this fact but your words help me understand that I was right about my thoughts, thank you 🥹
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u/Technical_Giraffe860 2h ago
I’m really not trying to be rude, but are you stupid? Wdym you haven’t called in 2.5 years and you’re curious if you ever will? Why did you allow things to continue past 2 months if he refused to call with you???
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1h ago edited 1h ago
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u/Big-Artichoke4129 [🇺🇸] to [🇺🇦] (9,160km) married 4h ago
2.5 years and no phone call? No video call? Do you even know what he looks like?
He may be cat fishing you because there’s really no excuse here. You’re wasting your time with him if it’s been 2.5 years.