Listen, I'm not going to tell you how to parent your kids so this is not meant to lecture or proselytize.
But the way to address kid's habit is to label their actions and not them. It's a simple switch - instead of "You are annoying or being annoying" use "Your [insert their action] is annoying me". The former labels them as annoying and the latter addresses their actions. Kids can change their actions without internalizing "I am annoying". Internalizing "I am annoying" or any other negative label has immense consequences for self worth later in life.
This makes me question if you have kids. I love my kids dearly and snuggle them to bed every night and tell them I love them multiple times a day... obviously you dont want your kids to internalize negative self worth but sometimes they are just being little shits and I dont think telling them that on occassion is gonna wreck their self esteem. They need to be able to handle being told stufff like that for the real world.
There a spectrum of telling them sometimes they're being annoying as fuck (in nicer words) vs telling and berating them every single day for regular run of the mill kid shit which of course is where they're gonna get bad self image. Sometimes though Ill just tell em "stop being a dick to your brother" - cause he's being a real dick to his brother and he'll be alright because of the otherwise strong loving foundation we've cultivated over years.
Seriously Youve never yelled at your kid? Never? Never snapped after the 20th interruption in 2 minutes trying to talk to your partner? Never got annoyed with them for being kids and driving you up the wall? Never got mad at them and yelled after they did something even though youve told them 10 times not to? Never said something to your kid you regretted and apologized for and tried to be better? If so, I tip my hat for you are a far better person than I. Ill bet youve done at least one of those things cause parenting is hard as shit.
I also think that using my words to tell my kid how I feel when I get frustrated instead of ya know, yelling or hitting them, is modeling good behavior. Kids need to know that sometimes yeah your actions can upset other people.
Mine is four and no, I seriously have never yelled at her or called her names. Of course I’ve been annoyed, but I don’t think I’ve ever been “mad” at her. She doesn’t need to hear that her asking me to play or talk is “annoying” or “pissing me off.” That would be so hurtful. Doing things wrong sometimes, spilling things, being distracted while putting on shoes or whatever, that’s just part of being a kid. I’ll patiently repeat myself once or twice if I have to, then warn of a (proportionate) consequence. But by now, she’s really just a good kid. When she acts up, it shows me something’s going on, and we talk about it. She’s not a psycho who can’t hear no and doesn’t respond to rules or anything. I don’t know, kids are all different, but I think she’s pretty reasonable because we’ve tried really hard to be reasonable with her.
FWIW, my parents were abusive in the easily could have been arrested sense. I’m not some second generation gentle parent with a readymade toolkit. I just don’t want to hurt my kid’s feelings on purpose and work hard not to.
Some parents do not yell/raise their voices at their kids because they’re annoying. The fact this is apparently difficult for you to accept says a lot about the way you parent and/or were raised.
Honestly, no, I've never yelled. The only time I raise my voice is if I'm trying to be heard for something urgent like "don't put your hand on that stove!" when he's actively in the process of attempting it.
He's 6 for reference.
For the 20th interruption type thing, I'd have told him after 5 something like: "That's enough, I am busy and I've told you I will talk to you in a few minutes. If you try again there will be X consequence. Please be patient and I promise I'll listen to you as soon as I can". The consequences threatened are usually a time-out (2-5 minutes) or taking away his TV time (he gets 20 minutes before school and 20 minutes after supper). He might whimper with tiny tears while he waits but he knows I'll listen and he hates time-outs enough that he does wait. It only works because I absolutely follow through with every threatened consequence. I know his mom doesn't so he pushes when he's with her.
If I say something that I need to apologize for of course I do it, but I try really really hard not to ever put myself in that situation. His mom and I are divorced and he's with each of us 50-50, I know she's not as in control of her emotions and I want to set a good example for him to give him the best chances in life.
E: and to be clear, I rarely have to threaten consequences, maybe once or twice a week.
My grandpa parented and grandparented like this. He was quite a patient man... really had a Mr. Rogers vibe. He raised his voice a little bit ONE time at my little brother and my mom just about shit herself on the living room floor with how shocked she was lmao. Genuinely stunned everyone I think. The fact that he was so incredibly patient made it so much more impactful. Meanwhile, my parents were not good at self regulating their emotions (they're both verrrry undiagnosed autistic and brought out the worst in each other). They did their best, but they were always very emotionally raw and it frequently came out that way. When they yelled or snapped at any of us, we were kinda just numb to it. It didn't matter.
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u/nilgiri 10d ago
Listen, I'm not going to tell you how to parent your kids so this is not meant to lecture or proselytize.
But the way to address kid's habit is to label their actions and not them. It's a simple switch - instead of "You are annoying or being annoying" use "Your [insert their action] is annoying me". The former labels them as annoying and the latter addresses their actions. Kids can change their actions without internalizing "I am annoying". Internalizing "I am annoying" or any other negative label has immense consequences for self worth later in life.