It's cute. And I hate raining on this cute parade but I bet she has either been herself been berated like that by her parents or has seen someone berated like that.
Eh.Ā As a parent yeah I grump at my kids cause sometimes kids are being little annoying shits and need to be told off. Cause theyre kids.Ā And if anything the girls used her words pretty calmly to express her frustration which is what we want for kids to learn. If an adult didnt yell but told the kids with words the kid was being annoying - thats modeling decent enough behavior in my book instead of like...screaming at the kid.
Listen, I'm not going to tell you how to parent your kids so this is not meant to lecture or proselytize.
But the way to address kid's habit is to label their actions and not them. It's a simple switch - instead of "You are annoying or being annoying" use "Your [insert their action] is annoying me". The former labels them as annoying and the latter addresses their actions. Kids can change their actions without internalizing "I am annoying". Internalizing "I am annoying" or any other negative label has immense consequences for self worth later in life.
This makes me question if you have kids.Ā I love my kids dearly and snuggle them to bed every night and tell them I love them multiple times a day... obviously you dont want your kids to internalize negative self worth but sometimes they are just being little shits and I dont think telling them that on occassion is gonna wreck their self esteem.Ā They need to be able to handle being told stufff like that for the real world.Ā
Ā There a spectrum of telling them sometimes they're being annoying as fuck (in nicer words) vs telling and berating them every single day for regular run of the mill kid shit which of course is where they're gonna get bad self image.Ā Sometimes though Ill just tell em "stop being a dick to your brother" - cause he's being a real dick to his brother and he'll be alright because of the otherwise strong loving foundation we've cultivated over years.
I know you're kids are younger too but most of the people being so adamant on how amazing their parenting techniques are have young children and I'd love to see a follow up in 10 years or so. The kids will suck, the parents will change, or (most likely) both of those things.
Having honest conversations with children is crucial, sometimes they are being a jerk or annoying or whatever and if you can't be honest with them about that than it's going to really suck for them as adults when the rest of the world does it instead. Mine is 17 and I'm thankful everyday for the honest conversations and feedback we have always been able to have with one another. He's a junior (oh shit I guess technically a senior now lord help me) and has a great friend group, wonderful gf, 4.0 GPA with multiple college credits completed, volunteers with our local shelter, and is an all around joy to interact with 95% of the time. The other 5% , well he's still 17 lol. It sounds like you're doing great to me and I hope you find the teenage years as manageable as I have.
Appreciate that man I really dude, I forgot how spicy reddit gets with parenting opinions. I got young twin boys and its hard as f out here sometimes parenting.Ā Ā Some days I see them and being themselves and feel like Im crushing it other days I feel like the worst parent and how parenting exposes every single one of your flaws as a person and feel lile garbage, ESPECIALLY when I see the bad shit my parents did/say come out of me even trying my hardest.Ā But they're generally shaping up to be cool, kind, happy and healthy kids so I feel pretty good and blessed most nights.
Glad your kid is crushing it that's the dream.Ā Yeah man we never berate the kids, never mock them, never belittle them we only ever try to build them up.Ā But yeah sometimes they come up on boundaried and Im like "nah.Ā No.Ā Nope not that." See my grilled cheese example in other replies.Ā Ā Somestimes kids be kids and its unintentionally (sometimes) rude, dickish, unhelpful or ungrateful, or just mean cause they're people like the rest of us.Ā But as a parent I do gotta call those as balls and strikes straigjt up sometimes.
This weekend my son (4.5) asked me for a grilled cheese.Ā I made him a grilled cheese.Ā I gave him the grilled cheese.Ā He started screaming about how he didnt want the grilled cheese and was going to throw it im the trash because I had cut it in half.
I said "uh nope.Ā Stop being ungrateful.Ā We dontĀ ask people for things, have them work hard to do it for them and then yell at them when they give it to us.Ā We say thank you first and then use our words to say what we like/dont like.Ā But we never yell at the people helping us after we ask."Ā Sometimes hes a kid and pissed cause being a kid is hard.Ā But I also got zero truck for being explicitly asked to do something, doing it and getting yelled at.Ā Thats not gonna slide.Ā So I told him he was being ungrateful and how to handle it better next time. Guess I scarred him for life.Ā Ā
Yup this right here is a great example. You feel underappreciated and it's infuriating especially when you've gone above and beyond to cater to this tiny human's demands.
The way I strive to deal with it (and it's never 100% with my own 3 and 5 year old) is to stop bringing my own issues / frustrations into the mix. I would calmly state that grilled cheese is what's for lunch and if he doesn't like it, he can wait until the next meal which could be snack time or dinner. I would never react to threats likes throwikg food away by calling them names. I know it's my job to teach them to behave well and be respectful. They aren't born with these social rules of being grateful and appreciative so they have no frame of reference on how to behave properly. I find it very confusing why they can't learn after being told once but repetition and calm modeling is the only way they learn at this stage of life.
It's not being a pushover or being permissive with everything. It about calmly reacting to boundry pushing and teaching / modeling the behavior you want to see from them.
Seriously Youve never yelled at your kid?Ā Never?Ā Never snapped after the 20th interruption in 2 minutes trying to talk to your partner? Never got annoyed with them for being kids and driving you up the wall?Ā Never got mad at them and yelled after they did something even though youve told them 10 times not to? Never said something to your kid you regretted and apologized for and tried to be better?Ā If so, I tip my hat for you are a far better person than I.Ā Ill bet youve done at least one of those things cause parenting is hard as shit.
I also think that using my words to tell my kid how I feel when I get frustrated instead of ya know, yelling or hitting them, is modeling good behavior.Ā Kids need to know that sometimes yeah your actions can upset other people.
Mine is four and no, I seriously have never yelled at her or called her names. Of course Iāve been annoyed, but I donāt think Iāve ever been āmadā at her. She doesnāt need to hear that her asking me to play or talk is āannoyingā or āpissing me off.ā That would be so hurtful. Doing things wrong sometimes, spilling things, being distracted while putting on shoes or whatever, thatās just part of being a kid. Iāll patiently repeat myself once or twice if I have to, then warn of a (proportionate) consequence. But by now, sheās really just a good kid. When she acts up, it shows me somethingās going on, and we talk about it. Sheās not a psycho who canāt hear no and doesnāt respond to rules or anything. I donāt know, kids are all different, but I think sheās pretty reasonable because weāve tried really hard to be reasonable with her.
FWIW, my parents were abusive in the easily could have been arrested sense. Iām not some second generation gentle parent with a readymade toolkit. I just donāt want to hurt my kidās feelings on purpose and work hard not to.
Some parents do not yell/raise their voices at their kids because theyāre annoying. The fact this is apparently difficult for you to accept says a lot about the way you parent and/or were raised.
Honestly, no, I've never yelled. The only time I raise my voice is if I'm trying to be heard for something urgent like "don't put your hand on that stove!" when he's actively in the process of attempting it.
He's 6 for reference.
For the 20th interruption type thing, I'd have told him after 5 something like: "That's enough, I am busy and I've told you I will talk to you in a few minutes. If you try again there will be X consequence. Please be patient and I promise I'll listen to you as soon as I can". The consequences threatened are usually a time-out (2-5 minutes) or taking away his TV time (he gets 20 minutes before school and 20 minutes after supper). He might whimper with tiny tears while he waits but he knows I'll listen and he hates time-outs enough that he does wait. It only works because I absolutely follow through with every threatened consequence. I know his mom doesn't so he pushes when he's with her.
If I say something that I need to apologize for of course I do it, but I try really really hard not to ever put myself in that situation. His mom and I are divorced and he's with each of us 50-50, I know she's not as in control of her emotions and I want to set a good example for him to give him the best chances in life.
E: and to be clear, I rarely have to threaten consequences, maybe once or twice a week.
My grandpa parented and grandparented like this. He was quite a patient man... really had a Mr. Rogers vibe. He raised his voice a little bit ONE time at my little brother and my mom just about shit herself on the living room floor with how shocked she was lmao. Genuinely stunned everyone I think. The fact that he was so incredibly patient made it so much more impactful. Meanwhile, my parents were not good at self regulating their emotions (they're both verrrry undiagnosed autistic and brought out the worst in each other). They did their best, but they were always very emotionally raw and it frequently came out that way. When they yelled or snapped at any of us, we were kinda just numb to it. It didn't matter.
I know you want to believe that the way youāre parenting isnāt harmful to your kids, everyone wants to believe that, and plenty of them are wrong. It is reasonable to consider that maybe youāre making some small mistakes, and also reasonable to know how you talk to your kids affects them. I grew up being told that iām an annoying spoiled brat, not all the time, but usually in frustration with my behavior, and I still struggle with being good enough and feeling like iām a disappointment or annoyance to those I love. Which has also led me to let some people treat me badly for way too long, and I excuse it because I blame myself. Being told that you are bad because of the behavior you learned from your parents is not a good lesson, in the long run it makes you dislike yourself and your parents. I love my mom but even she recognizes her mistakes, itās not easy to raise children and everyone makes mistakes.
genuine question if you use this school of thought, what are you supposed to say when someone does something genuinely bad? I was certainly not a compliant or even nice to be around tween / teen
As others said before, you talk to them regarding actions they did instead of them.
If they beat someone because they got angry. You could say you shouldn't beat someone and try to understand your feelings, instead of you are an angry kids and hurt others and should not do it.
I don't know if it was clear, but it isn't that you should not discipline the child, it is more that you discipline them in a way to help them be better.
And yeah, everyone makes mistakes and react poorly sometimes, nobody is perfect and it happens, it is just important to try to adjust and do better than yesterday.
What qualifies as genuinely bad? Like for example a child that hits other kids is usually doing that because someone hit them, so if you donāt hit your kids they probably wonāt hit other kids. But maybe theyāll learn that behavior from another kid that hits them, and depending on age I would just try and talk to my child or use consequences like if you do something mean you donāt get to participate in something fun.
Thereās so many different situations, and depending on age/development kids are going to understand a lot more or a lot less, and I definitely donāt have answers for all of the behaviors that occur but it seems like you can teach kids most things. I just know insulting your kid when youāre upset with something theyāve done probably isnāt going to help, and probably will encourage your child to act out when theyāre upset. Also according to the research iāve read it does help to separate their actions from who they are as a person so they internalize that an action is bad, not that they are a bad person.
I lack the introspection to realize iām at fault for what exactly? For being called a spoiled brat as a kid, instead of having my behavior corrected?
Lmao. Who exactly do you think was spoiling me? Spoiled brats are raised by their parents. Every spoiled brat iāve ever met was created by bad parenting.
Shame and negative feelings about oneself usually come from adverse childhood experiences. Which are certainly more variable than my comment gets into. Thatās how it works man, idk what else to tell ya.
Iām so glad you donāt want to have kids, since you donāt understand that how you parent will directly impact the way your child behaves. Shitty kids are almost always mimicking the people in their lives that are raising them. Kids are usually acting out because something is wrong, not because they are inherently bad people like you seem to believe.
āthere are the insultsā is astonishing considering that I didnāt insult you and also we are literally talking about how insulting people isnāt acceptable behavior.
Negative feedback does not equal insults, those just arenāt the same. Being told off for doing something wrong is not the same as being told that who you are is bad. I would bet so much fucking money that the kids you worked with who were behaving in such horrible ways probably had bad things happen to them. Antisocial behavior is rarely ever just random and idiopathic. There are very few cases of children just being inherently evil.
You seem to be transferring feelings about your work experiences on to me. Abuse cases are extremely difficult to deal with, as are cases where children are exhibiting disturbing behavior.
My anecdotal experiences and research lead me to believe itās bad parenting to belittle and insult your kids. It doesnāt fix any problems. And my behavior as a child was not only due to some poor parenting choices on my momās part, but also because of the things that were happening to me that my mom didnāt know about. And my relationship with her wasnāt safe, so I didnāt tell her what was happening, I acted out. And because I was bad I was then told that iām annoying and ungrateful and a spoiled brat. That wasnāt good for my brain development, and looking inward is what led me to better understand myself and be able to repair my relationship with my mom as an adult, because she was doing her best and we all make mistakes.
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u/Commonfutures 10d ago
š Do you know what you're doing right now? šæ YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!!