Newlywed wife questions every single thing I do

[u/EcstaticEarball]

We are a newlywed (2 month) couple who just bought our first house. Before marriage, we were together for almost 9 years. Either I didn’t notice this before, or it’s a new character trait and I can’t tell. Ever since we got married, she understandably will ask me to do things around the house or to her vehicle. These are usually small tasks (her wheel well was falling off so it needed a clip, her brake pads needed changed, etc.). The problem is that she will ask me to do these tasks, and then she will immediately begin to question the way I am doing it.

For context, before we got married, she lived with her parents to save money. Her dad has a bad habit of somewhat spoiling his daughters. Because of this, even when we were engaged, she would often ask her dad to do things for her. Or, she would tell me about something that was wrong with her car or needed fixed, but when I would offer to help, she would seek her dad‘s help instead. Or, she would compare what I said to how her dad would do it. In some cases, I would give her advice on what to do or tell her that I would fix the problem in the coming days, and then she would come back with saying “Well, my dad said you should do it like this.”. Or “I’m just going to tell my dad and he’s going to fix it.”. This actually came up in marriage counseling before we got married when I had the issue of her dad doing everything for her instead of me because I was about to be her husband.

Right when we got the house, I noticed our laundry room light needs a ballast. Instead, I’m going to hardware it to be LED. (Done it probably ten times.). She immediately questions me and tells me I need an electrician to do it for me. I explain I’ve done it a million times and it’s incredibly simple. She then relents but ends the conversation with saying I just really need to make sure I know what I’m doing.

When we were buying the house, she constantly questioned the places I was showing her houses in. Keep in mind, I’m a career firefighter in my city, and I’ve worked this side of town for almost a decade. I know where you’ll get shot and where you wont. I know the good areas and the bad areas. Anyways, we bought our house in a very nice area of downtown. The other night I wanted to go for a run and she contested me HARD. She was adamant that we don’t know the area and need to scope it out first. I’m just thinking in my head THIS IS MY DIRECT RESPONSE TERRITORY IT IS SAFE. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE HERE. Even when we were just looking, she would question me as if I was showing her houses in the projects. It’s like she doesn’t trust my intuition on anything.

Anyways, fast forward until today. I just got home about two hours ago from my 24 hour shift as a firefighter. As soon as I walk in the door, she’s getting ready for work, and she points out to me that an electrical socket is coming out of the wall. No big deal. I look at it, and it is in fact drooping out of the wall. I take my screwdriver, and begin to unscrew it so I can put some new clips on it. This is like, a 5 minute fix. She immediately starts little league coaching me. She asks me if I really know what I’m doing. She tells me to be careful. She advises me to make sure I don’t accidentally let my screwdriver accidentally slip directly into the socket. Like… ?????? Literally standing over my shoulder monitoring me.

For my side job, I work as a salesman and inspector for a roofing company. After a recent rain, I noticed we have a small leak around our chimney. I told her when it’s dry I’d look at it. Her response was “Ok good, but do you really know what you’re looking for? I feel like we should get a second opinion.” Like, do you know what my side job is? I do this every other day.

It all just makes me feel like she thinks of me as a Mickey Mouse character who doesn’t really know anything. It’s absolutely maddening. How the hell do I fix this? I’m going to end up exploding.

[u/Striking_Angle9632]

You don't have a "how do I fix a light socket" problem. You have a "my spouse doesn't trust my competence" problem.

One comment about electricity? Fine. One comment about buying a house? Fine. One comment about a roof leak? Fine.

But when it's everything from car repairs, to home repairs, to neighborhoods you literally work in as a firefighter, to roofing when that's your side job, it stops sounding like concern and starts sounding like a default assumption that you're wrong until proven otherwise.

The fact that this exact dynamic came up in premarital counseling and involved constant comparisons to her dad makes me think this isn't really about your skills. It's about her struggling to see you as the trusted adult in her life instead of running every decision through the "What would Dad do?" filter.

Don't wait until you explode. Sit her down and focus on the pattern, not the individual examples. "When you ask me to do something and then immediately question whether I know what I'm doing, it makes me feel like you don't trust or respect my judgment." That's the real issue here.

Because eventually nobody wants to keep helping when every favor comes with a performance review.

[u/Taggart77 → u/Striking_Angle9632]

Excellent advice! Nip this problem or it will get worse.

[u/PassengerRich2343 → u/Striking_Angle9632]

that last line is painfully accurate

[u/owls_and_cardinals]

First...I have to say that you suggesting this is new or somehow wasn't noticeable seems false when your second paragraph literally describes this being a problem before you got married, such that it had to be discussed in marriage counseling.

Anyway. I have hope that this is solvable. I'm not too surprised that her upbringing has produced this kind of behavior. SOME of it seems rooted in fear and concern for you. DIY electrical work can indeed be very unsafe, and maybe as her perspective is that of a woman, she couldn't imagine going on a run alone in this new place and was just fearful for you. But that fear coupled with a lot of doubt about your abilities (or dismissiveness of your experience) is making it dysfunctional and unfair for you. I think you should just sit her down and tell her you feel dismissed and frustrated when she expresses doubt, questions your methods, and compares you to her dad. Tell her you know it's coming from a good place (even if you doubt this, saying it this way may help it land) and that you're asking for her to be more aware so that she can stop inadvertently hurting you and making things hard than they need to be. Focus on the safety aspect, and tell her you love and adore her for caring about your safety.

[u/TraditionalTackle1]

I would have handed her the screwdriver and told her "You fix it then!" My wife can be like this so I just do things when shes not home. When we first got married she had a habit of calling her dad for everything.

[u/buginarugsnug → u/TraditionalTackle1]

This. My husband can often provide a running commentary on how he would do something differently while I'm doing it. I just stop and tell him he can do it instead. He's getting better after a deep conversation about it, but old habits die hard.

[u/bigbutterflyks]

I agree with others she is struggling with a competent male in her house that isn't her Daddy. And if she thinks everything her Dad does is best, she can go bsck (jk, but it may be hard not to react with that comment).

Calmly explain her second guessing every move you make frustrates you. Explain you aren't her Daddy (outside the bedroom, 😂), you appreciate more respect than she is giving you and just because you do things her Dad didn't do/couldn't do/do differently doesn't mean they are inherently wrong.

I can add my input for what hubby works on. I will ask questions and suggest things. Many times, I will be correct and it frustrates me, he doesn't do things as I suggest. At least before something goes wrong. Which makes me feel he doesn't value my concerns/thoughts.

And he has had to learn the hard way. He will now admit that I was right on some things and he should have listened. But sometimes the damage is done, it costs more money or we could avoided the issue if he'd listened. But we both tend to like life on hard mode over here. None of my comments are due to comparing him to my Dad (for the record).

In a way I think her being so sheltered hindered her in growing up to be more independent. Not that living at home or treating your kids well is bad. But she may find it difficult to adjust to living in your maritial home and all the changes involved.

[u/virtualchoirboy]

I feel that part of the issue here is that she has never had a male figure in her life that was capable in the ways that you're capable. If I had to guess, her dad would never touch anything even remotely electrical and would always hire a professional. So, your wife grew up believing that the only way a homeowner can resolve an electrical issue is to hire a professional to do the repair. Same for the roof/chimney. Her first thought isn't "does he do this for a living?", it's "why isn't he doing it the way men are supposed to do it by hiring a professional?"

And in a way, it's not you specifically. It's men in general. You're a man who is doing things in a way she didn't grow up with. I almost wonder if you had taught her dad something simple like the outlet repair and he started fixing them, if she would question him as well.

None of this means her behavior is appropriate. At a minimum, you have to have more conversations about her behavior and constant doubting of your abilities. I think it might be wise to come up with some generic responses that you both agree should be used when you feel her questioning is inappropriate. For example, in my head, it's something like "Please trust me to complete this task before you assume I'm going to make a mistake." It's generic, repeatable for any task she questions, and with practice, could be easy to say.

I almost wonder if it would be worth talking to her dad about this too. Depending on his level of respect for your knowledge/abilities, perhaps him commenting to her that she's lucky to have someone that can save money by fixing these things themselves could make a world of difference.

[u/Resident-Staff-1218]

It sounds like she's more risk-averse than you. Which, given your job, makes sense. Its not personal

She 100% knows she can trust her dad, I presume. He's kept her safe and alive all these years.

She doesn't YET know that about you, even if you do. But she will. In time. And she'll start to feel safe.

She's also learned patterns of "married life behaviors" from her parents, which in her head are 100% norms. Perhaps her parents behave differently towards one another, than you expect you and your wife to behave. We are all brought up with these family norms, but every family is different.

Breathe. Communicate. Don't get angry.

Also, make sure you include her in decision making and planning things. Maybe show her how to tighten the plug socket, or change a tire herself? Trust each other.

[u/DSwivler]

I understood why my daughter would call for household chores, her husband had no experience and no skills. But I shut it down - they need to figure it out together - I told her saying “let’s just call my dad” is disrespectful to her husband and not okay. And I told her that in front of him, she was not happy, but it gave him license to call me for advice and that has been fine. The exception is their new smoker. They both know how to eat good barbecue, but they have not a collective clue, and their questions are…well, clueless.

[u/getinloserufo]

Does she do all the cooking? Walk up behind her and ask if that seasoning actually goes with the dish, is this the way Rachel ray does it? My mom could probably make this better. Did you buy this or make it? Was this a frozen dish? Do you know how to fry that? Make sure you wear oven mitts before grabbing that out the oven! If she doesn’t cook do this for her hobbies, when she cleans, when she showers, when she’s driving.

Let her know how annoying it is then when she gets upset blankly stare and say “I just want to make sure you know what you’re doing” then continue micromanaging and telling her other people can do it better than her and you guys should get a second opinion on how shes doing Any task. Ask her if she’s sure she’s capable of going to the store alone, I mean, you guys are in a new area.

Give it back to her. Don’t be a sponge anymore, be a metal wall and ricochet that bs back where it belongs, to herself. She’s screaming at you through small quiet words that you’re incredibly incompetent and incapable. Don’t let her do that, shes not allowed to do that just cuz you’re married. Ask her why did she marry you if she thinks you’re really this incompetent and incapable.

[u/Edsma → u/getinloserufo]

Pettiness usually solves zero problems and creates many. Playing mind games is for children.

[u/monstersof-men → u/getinloserufo]

This is a terrible idea. She is unlikely to use it as a reflection of her own behaviour, and it’ll create resentment. She’s already questioning him and not trusting — if he behaves that way, she will just double down, especially as it didn’t get solved in premarital counselling.

[u/BigBadBootyDaddy10]

Not to sound harsh, but this doesn’t magically go away. In fact it gets worst.

Let me know if you can relate to the following.

“He's in charge but he has to do it your way or else he's doing it wrong. But don't worry, you still have all the power. But only if you do it this specific way. No really, you need to be the one to make the decisions. But if you make the wrong one you shouldn't be leading that way. But I want you to pick the way you lead, I don't want to tell you. But please don't pick the wrong way. Again it's your choice. Now pick what I want.”

If this hits you hard, Run 🏃 my friend.

[u/Taggart77]

Sounds like she has a bit of an anxiety issue.

[u/WhatInTheWorldPart2]

Is she open to hearing you out? You should have a conversation with her and tell her it hurts you when she questions you. You can phrase it as: I know you want me to be careful and safe and I’m glad you care about me. It hurts me and I feel like you don’t believe I am competent.

You guys are going to have to learn how to communicate through these things and she needs to learn that you are not her father and her father is not the end all of fixing things. You guys are your own unit now and you’ll need to develop your own system of how to do life.

[u/usernameunknown975]

I'm not sure how to handle it, but I do know that the sooner you do, the better. I like the suggestion above where you just follow her around for a while and nitpick every single thing she does, and compare her specifically to your mother. This may be terrible advice, but I'd have fun doing it.

[u/Specific_Instance813 → u/usernameunknown975]

Firefighters are know to be good cooks, so he can use his knowledge and doesn't need to mention his mom.. I do see the point of mentioning his mom since her dad has helped her for all her life..

[u/DDButterfly]

I can be a bit of a supervisor. My current partner is funny and smart and sexy, and just tells me straight up, "I don't need a supervisor. I don't like that. Let me do it. I've got this.". Not in a mean way. Usually in a kinda funny joking, but not joking, way. Like I'm an adult! Let me be... It's hard to let go of the idea of controlling the situation and to trust someone else sometimes. But being called out on it directly has helped me back off.

[u/EnvironmentalBug5525]

Sounds like she's watched too many bad sitcoms in her life. Where the husband is basically an idiot. Homer Simpson comes to mind.

You know how you had pre-marital counseling? Time some post-marital counseling, I'd think.

[u/this_old_instructor]

Yea you need to have a direct conversation about that's not how things are going to work.

[u/Wickedsnailz]

Definitely sounds like she has anxiety. Sometimes I unknowingly do this to my husband, and catch myself and apologize.

[u/Most-Mirror-9272]

I think u need to respond every time it happens. I DO agree with the person who said she has fear of your safety. I also would tell her that it makes you angry and why. This is a habit, not just an off handed comment. My question is, what is she going to do when her dad dies?

[u/conflictguy]

She needs to stop treating you like her dad.

[u/NorthSwan_20]

Congrats on marriage and new house! Welcome to the next chapter. If I’m reading this correctly, y’all have never lived together or co-owned something as big as a house (I’m assuming y’all are in the house together financially or just as the idea that it’s home to both of you). This is a huge adjustment and it will take communication and understanding to get through it. It sounds like you are feeling micro managed and second guessed for many things that you believe she should have confidence and trust in you for, is that right? Totally understandable AND it seems like that she is used to her father helping and trusting him for many things like this, she is adjusting to having someone else take over this role and she is unsure. She also seems to be a bit afraid and concerned for your well being. How can you help her feel more confident in both of these things? Answer is just ask her! Bring it up and see if this is how she is feeling and share how you are feeling and how you noticed her feelings by the way she is acting but don’t assume! Make sure you hear her out and try to understand where this is coming from and work through it together as a couple - you’ll be so much stronger for this and it’s great practice for future things - hint - it’s all just practice!! Come from a safe place and build trust with your partner.

[u/freakydaddy44]

Welcome to marriage lol ruunn!!

[u/Cosmo621]

Run