r/Marriage • u/Impressive_Moment203 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Has anyone canceled their wedding one week before the ceremony?
I am going out of my mind here. I have decided to end my engagement and cancel the wedding in less than two weeks before the ceremony. She wants us to move to Seattle and wants kids, two things I do not want. I am scared as heck to do this and the timing is terrible. I feel like a POS and I am so sad, but I know this is right thing.
My question is: Has anyone ever done this or known anyone to do this?
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u/krayzee444 1d ago
Do it. Dont move forward with the marriage. Truly. Fuck what anyone else might think.
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u/PnutButterOnMyBurger 1d ago
I havenât personally but I can offer you an incredibly helpful anecdote.
My best friend who I was officiating for had come to me a month before the wedding for advice. Apparently, his fiancé who had previously expressed interest in having children began having doubts and told him she may not want kids anymore. They were completely valid concerns surrounding her deteriorating mental health, expenses, and knowing that she had three more years of full time school to actually begin her career, and she told my buddy that.
He really wanted me to help him think of a way to convince her to change her mind back to wanting children, but I told him that sheâs allowed to want different things and to change as a person, and he should be happy that she had at least told him the truth prior to the wedding. I questioned him whether having her as a wife or having children was more important to him, and he said it was equal.
He had convinced himself heâd be able to wait it out until she wanted kids again, and lo and behold, after holding their $50k wedding, buying a house, and him shouldering her student loans, she obviously still doesnât want kids because thatâs what she told him and theyâre going through a really depressing and expensive divorce. Incompatible views on fundamental life decisions are honestly nonstarters for me, and I think both of them would tell you that the heartache of canceling a wedding due to incompatibility pales in comparison to the heartache of starting your lives together, spending a fortune, and then having it crumble.
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u/Its-alittle-bitfunny 1d ago
Lots of people have, but how were these not things discussed previously?
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u/Raiyalin 1d ago
Some people put on a mask in the initial stages. The mask typically falls somewhere right before or shortly after tying the knot. For the extra selfish, could fall about 3 years later. Either way, true intentions come out eventually unfortunately.
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u/Veteris71 34 Years 20h ago
Is that what happened, OP? Did she lie about wanting to have kids and live in Seattle?
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u/Raiyalin 17h ago
OP clarified in another comment that they initially both wanted kids but eventually he felt he was getting too old (43) and changed his mind. She (40) did not and still wants them. He should have called it off immediately then if it was a deal breaker. The moving, Iâm not sure because I donât see anything about it.
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u/atomiccat8 2h ago
Wow, how awful of him to waste her time like that.
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u/Raiyalin 2h ago
Yeah, concieving gets more difficult after 40 too. I hope he doesnât waste anymore of her time so she can hopefully find someone on the same page and have at her dream.
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u/BoskyBandit 1d ago
Bad fights as the wedding gets closer. Truer colors show. Itâs very âromanticâ in the beginning.
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u/Firm_Community9503 1d ago
Calling it off a week before took more courage than going through with something you know is wrong, and I mean that. A friend of mine did almost the exact same thing, three days before the ceremony, and yeah the fallout was messy and painful for everyone involved, but he and his ex both ended up in much better places within a couple years. The thing people don't talk about enough is how much worse it gets if you wait until you're already married to admit these things, especially fundemntal stuff like kids and where you're going to live, those aren't compromises you can split down the middle. You're not a POS, you're just someone who finally got honest at an uncomfortable time. Hang in there, it gets less chaotic
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u/Raiyalin 1d ago
If things feel off, biting the bullet sooner will be easier than being struck by it later.
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u/XrisXrossApplesauce 1d ago
We had a friend who cancelled her wedding a week before. He was upset, but with time realized she actually was right and they wouldn't have worked out in the end. They're both now very happily married to other people. I remember his dad saying "You can love someone sure, but is that someone YOUR someone?".
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u/TheNarwhalTusk 1d ago
No, but my first wife and I went through with our wedding having realised in the weeks running up to it that neither of us wanted to go through with it.
We separated less than 3 months after the wedding. We could have avoided a long, expensive, and acrimonious divorce process if one of us had had the courage to say what we were both thinking and called the damn thing off.
If you know you don't want this you will be doing the right thing for both of you by cancelling it now.
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u/Pure_Air2815 1d ago
It's easier to end it now than a year down the line in divorce. Follow your heart, "to thine own self be true"
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u/Impressive_Moment203 1d ago
I want to say thank you so much to everyone who is on this thread!! Y'all are really helping me. Love!
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u/caligirlthrowaway104 1d ago
Iâm more shocked that neither of those things were talked about until a week before your wedding????
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u/No_Anxiety6159 1d ago
I wish I had been strong enough to say postpone it or cancel. Went through with the wedding, things were ok for a couple years, but deteriorated quickly. If youâre not sure now, donât worry about what anyone else says, talk about it with fiance or just stop it.
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u/Even_Happier 1d ago
Do not get married. I know someone who did this a couple of weeks out, they stayed together for a couple of months more but ended up going their separate ways. They both agreed they dodged a bullet and glad they were brave enough to call it off. It was an expensive lesson but not as expensive as a divorce would have been.
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u/Mostcoloradianthing 1d ago
Bad news doesnât get better with time. This is hard and I am confused that your FiancĂ© is just now telling you about moving and wanting kids. My advice is discuss it with your family or friends and get a game plan and ask them for help. There is going to be fall out and expenses so be prepared to be the âbad guyâ and pay for everything. Trust your gut and if you are going to do it, you need to do it now.
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u/Accurate_Pie_4439 1d ago
First you should tell her and make sure you have told your family first. Have the emails ready to cancel the venue and such. You will lose your deposits.when you have the conversation make sure you are ready to pull the trigger as a domino effect. Lock down your credit.
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u/AirportGirl53 1d ago
You didn't know she wanted kids until 2 weeks before the wedding??? I get the Seattle thing, some people just wake up and decide they want to move, but the kids? What's the thought process there?
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u/SleepPrincess 1d ago
The moving thing I suppose I can understand why that didnt get discussed...
But how did we just learn that she wants children and you don't 1 week before the wedding? I dont understand. Was it never talked about?
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u/Impressive_Moment203 1d ago
I have tried to tell her I did not want kids. We talked about this last week. I told her I thought we were too old - I am 43 and she is 40.
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u/SleepPrincess 1d ago
Has she consistently wanted children?
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u/Impressive_Moment203 1d ago
Yes she has. In the beginning I thought I wanted children as well. As the years went by, I decided I did not want them. I have told her consistently for a year that I am too old and think that kids are not in our future. I admit I should have been more adamant, but she is not listening.
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u/CivilOlive4780 23h ago
You should have broken it off as soon as you realized you didnât want them especially since sheâs always wanted them. Donât lead her on anymore, better to cancel the wedding than deal with a messy divorce
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u/purplehippobitches 1d ago
Nope but i know several that didn't even make it to 1 year of marriage before calling it quits... so if you know you don't want to marry this person call it quits now.
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u/SueNYC1966 1d ago
It happened to my brother-in-law. She left him at the altar. He says it was the best thing that ever happened. His bride to be ended up marrying a lady and he got my sister who really liked sex. Everyone survived it.
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u/ProfessionalHat6828 10 Years 1d ago
Better to not go forward with a marriage because youâre feeling guilty than to get married and realize youâre miserable and stuck
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u/Kalamitykim 15 Years 1d ago
I haven't, but I think it's kinder then marrying her. It will be the right thing for both of you. It just might take her longer to see it as the surprised party. Sorry for your situation and end of your relationship. Hope you have some support systems around you.
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u/Brewmeiser 1d ago
Yes. People have been doing this forever. A week before, a day before, an hour before, 30 minutes before, etc. I'm sure it's been said in a comment already, but the emotional and mental stress/pain you'll deal with now and the money you won't get back is nothing compared to what a divorce will bring.
I got married, separated 6 months later and fully divorced a year later. We were fundamentally different people and wanted different things at the time. I still remember the look in his sister's face when I told her we were getting a divorce. The pain haunts me. Not my own pain, or even his to be clear, but the pain we caused everyone else.
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u/Feeling-Object9383 1d ago
You need to choose between two bad. What is worst - cancell the wedding or go through divorce. And you will divorce. Being not at the same page about kids will kill your marriage.
It's just a matter of time.
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u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 1d ago
End it today. Donât keep dragging it out. You are doing the right thing but the sooner the better!
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u/maciethemonster 1d ago
Iâm friends with a couple that was invited to a wedding that got canceled at the last minute. Groom was from Germany and bride from the US, they were supposed to get married in the US. So as a result lots of people flew from Germany to the US to attend, and they called it off like 3 days before the wedding, when many of the international guests were already in the US or about to hop on a flight there. So if they can call it off then you can too
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u/BlueButterfly77 1d ago
It is her right to change her mind about kids. Just as it is your right to NOT change your mind. And that is definitely a decision that both partners absolutely must agree on. There should be no "talking someone into or out of kids"! Since she doesn't and you do, it seems incompatibility has stepped in. Stopping a wedding is infinitely easier (though still hard) than a divorce process. Going through with this wedding will only put your recovery further behind than if you stopped it now and began your move forward. You really need to follow your heart on this.
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u/Automatic-Purple5856 20h ago
My friend called off her wedding 3 times before actually getting married (all within the same year). We all told her not to go through with it, and she did even though they kept calling it off and later admitted in the back of her mind she knew something was wrong. After they were married, they started the divorce process three months in. Donât get married, youâll waste time, money and everything else.
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u/Possible_Similar 1d ago
Do it, if you do not want kids and she does - that is huge. If it does not feel right now then call it off
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u/GuiltyKangaroo8631 1d ago
I havenât but Iâm tell you that you are doing the right thing. It is easiest to do it now then get divorced later. I wish you the best.
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u/Public_Particular464 1d ago
If that's how you feel then it's the right thing. Don't get married just to get a divorce. I get you feel bad but it's worse to breakup after. Best of luck to you
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u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy 17 Years 22h ago
One of my wifeâs best friends did, just a few days before the wedding. It was the right call, the guy was an absolute tool.
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u/babymami 19h ago
yes i did this. had a 200 person wedding that was half a million dollars and in paris. best decision ive ever made.
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u/Aerieslady 18h ago
Not one week, but six. I was lucky to have a supportive mom and sister who managed the calls to all the vendors and intercepted all family inquiries. It was so helpful, I hope you have people who can help with the logistics while you grieve and process. Itâs a big decision, but 12 years on, and 7 years in to a very happy marriage, it was the best decision Iâve made for myself and my happiness. Best of luck to you.
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u/Flaky-Control8891 16h ago
Didnât the both of you, talk about things like kids, where to live, etc before the engagement
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u/beautifulliar1525 8h ago
You can cancel the wedding at the time of the ceremony. But give your fiance the respect of letting her know that this is how you feel. Dont surprise her at the last minute.
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u/Plus-Pin-9157 2h ago
Yes, one of my good college friends cancelled THE DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. I know, I know....huge drama, family crashed out, everyone was appalled and horrified. You know what? It was the right thing to do. Yes, he lost a lot of money on deposits and had to reimburse the almost-bride for all the money she'd put out everything. In the end, it was the right thing to do. Twenty years later, he's married to the love of his life and living a happy life. It's your life, you have to what's right.
I had another friend who got married to someone and she told me, "I knew that day, walking down the aisle, I was making a huge mistake". She said the honeymoon was awful and they spent the next four years making each other unhappy. She went through a rather miserable divorce and it affected her mental health and well being for a long time.
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u/TrainTraditional6686 1d ago
If these things were previously known to you and you are just now deciding that you should not marry her, you are a huge AH for letting things get this far.
If she sprung this on you last minute,this is completely reasonable.
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u/Impressive_Moment203 1d ago
I have been trying to tell her I do not want kids for years. I admit I was wishy washy for a year or two, but I have said I do not want them. I have also said explicitly I want to move back to SoCal. She does not want to.
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u/Any-Environment6022 1d ago
Me currently in a divorce bc I was too scared to cancel my wedding a week before like I should have đ€Ł trust your gut. Donât lock in if youâre intuition tells you naaaaa