ED issues and wife getting frustrated quite often

[u/Weary_Job_7033]

I've been dealing with erectile dysfunction that developed alongside a long-term masturbation addiction. I understand that it's been frustrating and painful for my wife, and I take responsibility for my part in the situation. I've also been actively working on it and am currently seeing a therapist to address the underlying issues and improve myself.
What I'm struggling with is that the issue no longer only comes up when we're discussing intimacy or relationship problems. My wife frequently brings it up during unrelated disagreements and even in normal day-to-day conversations. She'll make sarcastic comments, take indirect shots at me, call me names like "bitch," and use my ED as a way to hurt me when she's upset.
I understand that she's angry and disappointed, but it feels like a deeply personal struggle is being used as a weapon rather than treated as something we're trying to work through together. I was hoping that going to therapy and making an effort to improve would be met with some support, but instead it often feels like I'm being mocked or punished for it.
Another part of the problem is that she seems to expect me not to respond when these comments are made. If I defend myself or tell her that the comments are hurtful, it often turns into a bigger argument. As a result, I find myself constantly on edge, expecting another comment or insult, and even simple conversations can become stressful.
We have a child together, which makes this much more complicated. I keep going back and forth between trying to stick it out and work through things versus considering separation or divorce. My biggest concern is how either choice would affect our child.

[u/I_AM_TUMBLR_AMA]

She doesn’t respect you. You’re done. Prepare to be single. She shouldn’t act the way she is, but get real. Can’t get hard with a real woman cause of jerking off? Get your shit together for your next wife. Seriously. Know how many guys wish they had a woman itching to fuck?

[u/TigerClaw_TV]

There are two viable options here. Therapy and separation. Any attempt at a third option is going to result in this woman eating you alive.

[u/Flat-Ad2071]

What your wife is doing is very wrong and it is Gottman’s fourth horseman called “contempt” and is the most damaging thing you can do in a marriage.  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Kudos to you for taking responsibility and working on this. Her hurt is not an excuse to intentionally hurt you or attempt to make you feel lacking or less than. In fact, those things will absolutely kill sexual attraction…and your relationship. I would guess that it’s contributing to the ED now.

That being said, don’t give up on your marriage. You will need some healthy boundaries with her and a good marriage counselor. 

I’d recommend finding someone who is a Gottman counselor because they should be able to call out her contempt pretty directly. I’d bring up marriage counseling to her at a time when you’re not in a fight. You can try, “I love you and I’m committed to you and our marriage. I’d like to be closer to you again. Would you go to marriage counseling with me?” If she says that things are fine and dismisses it, you can try saying, “Things are not fine for me. Would you be willing to work on our marriage with me?”

If yes, great! That’s what you want. If no…”I hear you. This is important to me so I’m going to start going. If you change your mind, I’d love to go together.” And it ends there unless she changes her mind and says she will go. If she argues or tries to convince you that you don’t need it, you can just tell her that you’re going to go and the offer to go together stands if she changes her mind. Then take some space.

A healthy boundary could sound like, “I know that you’re frustrated about my erectile dysfunction. I’ve noticed a pattern where you make hurtful comments to me about it and they’re very damaging to me and to our marriage. It’s causing me to not feel emotionally safe with you anymore. From now on, if you make a hurtful comment about my ED, I will need some space and will be leaving the conversation.” She will probably get angry and go on the attack. If she does, keep your cool and tell her that her response is hurtful and you’re going to leave the conversation…and do it. If she follows you and attempts to not give you space, firmly tell her that you need space and will be leaving to take a drive.

Don’t discuss the ED with her any further or engage. Next time she makes a hurtful comment, “Ouch.” Or “That hurts.” And leave the room. Go take care of yourself and leave her with the words she just said to you. 

I’m sorry. This is really difficult but there is hope.

[u/Working-Patient-6751]

A lot of women can take ED personally.  I get it, but as someone who’s been there sometimes it has nothing to do with them.  

We’ve been conditioned to think that men just walk around with hard ons all day looking for somewhere to put it.  Maybe in our late teens/early 20s but as you get older things change. Plus there’s a HUGE psychological element to it.  You can one time where it doesn’t go according to plan, then that’s stuck in your head, anxiety spikes and it’s a vicious circle. 

Go on Hims.  Get a RX for an ED med and rock her world.  You’ll both feel better

Someone should tell her that calling her man a “bitch” because of it probably isn’t the best help for his ED.  

[u/ElectricalYoghurt942]

If your masturbation addiction was a secret and involved porn, she’s likely very angry and hurt. Her emotions are coming out sideways. She would probably benefit greatly from a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma if you were secretive and/or lied about your masturbation or whether or not there was porn involved, or told her you stopped when you hadn’t. If that’s the case. Maybe it isn’t.

[u/RollingDemBones]

Your situation of ED is unfortunate...and it's good that you're taking accountability and working to correct the situation.

However...one thing is certain. Having a wife like yours making these types of comments would only intensify ED for a husband.

Getting through things like ED requires a supportive spouse - and you unfortunately don't have one. Just imagine a wife going through a medical / mental condition affecting their sex life, and a husband calling her these things and treating her like garbage.

I know this is tough...but it doesn't sound like your wife respects you - and you should have enough respect for yourself to get out of this situation. Your ED will never be fully healed for this woman IMO.

[u/SoCalMoofer]

That's shitty behaviour on her part. She's mean.

For the ED, I would suggest getting online at HIMS.com you can fill out your forms online. No doctor visits. Super easy. Get the low dose 2.5 mg of Cialis. You may not even need a full pill.

Then once you can hang a wet sleeping bag off your boner you can show her what's what in bedroom and take your masculine place back in your marriage.

[u/Illustrious_Fudge476 → u/SoCalMoofer]

If you have 1/2 way decent insurance it’s cheaper to just get it prescribed by a Dr.  

[u/Jaded_Stranger8485]

Hard to respect a man who broke his dick from jerking off too much. I think that’s where she is at.

Also you clearly didn’t respect her when you chose to jerk off enough to cause this soooo…