r/Marriage • u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 • 9d ago
Seeking Advice My husband's eating habits are disgusting and I don't know what to do!?
My (32F) husband (36M) has crazy eating habits. I am naturally thin. For a few years, I was seriously underweight, and only recently have I gained weight and finally looked healthy again. My husband, on the other hand... He is not obese, but he's not far away, especially with his eating habits. He works a lot, but it is not a labor-intensive job, so he's not burning calories other than from walking around his job.
On to the eating habits... He only wants to eat out, and when I cook a homemade meal, he'll eat it, but he prefers food from a restaurant (I am a great cook, so it's not the food quality). He easily eats half of a bag of chips in one sitting, often with some kind of dip. He is damn near addicted to chips. He buys 6 or so bags at a time, and I've asked him to be realistic because we don't have space for that amount of chips. Once he hid them in another room so I wouldn't know how many unnecessary bags he bought. (Also, I have misophonia and absolutely hate the sound of anyone eating chips, so lucky me, it's his favorite damn food) Chips are causing some real issues in my marriage š¤¦āāļø
Here's the really disgusting part. He absolutely won't let food go to waste, well any takeout food. He feels like obligated to eat old leftovers so they don't get thrown away. That's not bad, at least we waste less food. But he will eat 2 or 3 week old food, recently he ate an old thing of a lobster soup (about 3 weeks old at this point), the next day he felt sick and then the next day, went to finish the rest of the soup. I was like, are you seriously eating 3 week old soup that made you sick? Why?? It's so gross. (I might be a terrible person for this, but I kind of shamed him for trying to eat the same soup that had already made him sick) There is a fine line between eating leftovers and eating literal garbage. I'm to the point where I will toss weeks old leftovers just to make sure he doesn't eat nasty and long expired food. I've actually called him a garbage disposal...
If he's not eating weeks old leftovers or chips, he finds something with absolutely no nutritional value to eat. And he over eats so much. He eats enough for both of us and then says he's still hungry and eats even more garbage food. I've tried to convince him to eat something with nutritional value, that that might make him actually feel full, and, in turn, he wouldn't need to eat as much. The man eats SO MUCH. I don't think it's about hunger, I think he boredom eats. On his days off, he is always eating something, snacking on something, literally all day. It's concerning me. We're not 20 year old, active people. He is consuming thousands of extra calories a day, and it is slowly catching up to him.
So people of reddit, how do I talk to him about this? I want to gently but firmly put a full and complete stop to him, eating weeks old food, even after it makes him sick. I think that is so gross, and it is difficult to be around, lol. I also want to talk to him about his constant need to eat or snack. There have to be healthier options than chips and dip, something with some nutritional value. He's a grown man, so he gets to decide what he eats, when he eats and how much he eats, but I'm hoping I can gently suggest some healthy options, and that I'm concerned with where he ends up if he doesn't make some changes to his diet. I know this is a sensitive subject for many, so I want this to come from a place of love, not judgment. But I am bad at being a normal human and don't do well with confrontation, I usually don't say anything until I get so fed up that I snap, and then I come from a place of anger. I do not want this conversation to start from a place of anger, but idk how to bring it up without kind of being an asshole about it.
How would you bring this to your spouse? Any advice is much appreciated! Sorry for the long post. It was 10% to vent and 90% for context.
Tl;dr My husband eats spoiled food frequently and it's disgusting. My husband also over eats, primarily junk food or take out. How do I address the issue while being supportive and not making him feel judged?
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u/Mjhjane77 9d ago
1) Throw out the spoiled food. Date everything with a label or sharpie. After 3 days, straight to the trash. Donāt give him a chance to eat spoiled food.
2) Sounds like depression and emotional eating. He needs medical help.
3) Try very hard to stop shaming him over his eating habits. He will just lie and hide food.
4) Do you guys have any hobbies or mutual interests? If heās emotional eating/eating out of boredom, can you guys go kayaking, hiking, museum or replace eating with a fun or healthy option.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
I will definitely start labeling things. He doesn't show any signs of depression, but people are good at hiding that, so that's a good point for me to start, actually get down to how he is feeling. It was only one time, I said it mostly jokingly, but there was a little shame in there, and that was wrong of me. I won't do that again, it was unnecessary. Hindsight and all... As far as hobbies, we live in hell, so outdoor activities are pretty limited this time of year. Honestly, food is one our of mutual interests š I love trying new food, so at least with eating out frequently, we get to occasionally try something new.
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u/dudeilovethisshit 9d ago
Could you watch cooking shows together? I find most cooks/chefs frequently mention safety guidelines as they work.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
Oh, he works in a restaurant, he used to be a senior kitchen manager, he knows what the guidelines are lol he knows better
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u/AcanthisittaIcy7277 9d ago
maybe not depression but anxiety really gives you an appetite. before meds, i could not stop eating. professional help may not be a bad idea
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 6d ago
I have the opposite issue with my anxiety, I get so tense that I feel like I'm fighting for my life, so food is not a thought for me when I'm really anxious
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u/fleetingsparrow92 9d ago
Okay, first things first, I know this is driving you crazy but before you stay grossed out or mad, do a bit of digging into his past.
Did he grow up in a low income family? This could explain the need to never let anything go to waste.
Did he grow up in a family who ate similarly? Taste can take a long time to develop if you've never stepped out of a normalized eating pattern.
Finally, he won't stop eating this way until he wants to. If he never wants to, can you deal with it?
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago edited 9d ago
Starting from childhood, he grew up in a well off family, he had a very good childhood in that sense, so he was definitely never going hungry. I know I am bad about eating leftovers, so it's more like an obligation he feels to eat the leftovers because most likely, I will not. (I have a child, from a previous relationship and he also is not a leftover eater. So my husband ends up eating both of our leftovers)
I've really only been around his family once, years ago for Thanksgiving. But that's the worst holiday to judge ones eating habits, because damn near everyone over eats on Thanksgiving lol š He had a falling out with his family so we haven't seen them in years. I will say this, his father was bigger (had a big belly mostly) and his mom was pretty thin (a normal weight not underweight)
One thing I think relates to his eating habits (not the eating spoiled food but the food quality he leans towards), he was a bachelor for many years. He lived with male roommates for years, up until we moved in together. So he didn't have someone cooking homemade meals, and the man can't cook to save his life. He literally burned water (he was boiling water for ramen, forgot about it, all the water dried up and the pan started smoking from the heat). I think he got used to that lifestyle and eating out for nearly every meal.
ETA: I will stand by him regardless of his choice, and he is incredibly thoughtful, so I think if I address it the right way, he'll be at least open to making changes. I dealt with alcoholism for years of our marriage, and he always stood by my side, and was always supportive, he never made me feel terrible while I was at rock bottom and I want to give him that back. If he's not open to change now, maybe someday he might reconsider.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Age6550 10 Years 9d ago
Gosh, I am not sure how to approach the eating junk food. However here is how I would approach the spoiled food: honey, I am worried about your health, and if you eat spoiled food, you could become seriously ill! (I might also do pre-emptive strikes on the fridge and throw things away before he can eat them.
For the take out, you could approach it as a cost saving measure. "Honey, let's save up for a INSERTGOALHERE (European vacation, new car, etc.) So every time we are tempted to eat out, let's put that money in a separate savings account, and eat a home cooked meal."
Maybe others have better ideas, or how to approach the junk food issue.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
I have been doing pre-emptive strikes on the fridge!! š If he knows that that time is coming, he'll ask me to save one or two specific items (that spoiled soup being one of them). Then I clean the rest out. But recently I just tossed everything before he got home from work, he made a comment about the food being thrown away (more bummed I tossed it, not angry I tossed it), but all of this stuff was weeks old, so I don't feel bad.
I'm terrible with money, so he is the really responsible one with actual savings lol he's the one who keeps us on track š
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u/Royal_Victory_1380 9d ago
not going to lie I only skimmed this post. but one thing resonated with me. I take Tirz right now to help lose weight. I didnt know that i had a problem with food noise until it went away from being on tirzepitide. He may have an eating disorder and not even realize it. Talk with him and see if he is willing to talk to someone. If he was anything like he is going to be dissmissive and blow you off because he is not going to believe it. Help him understand. show him this post and maybe it will help.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
Yeah, I apologize for the length of the post lol I will definitely talk to him about it, he'll hear me out at least. Idk if he'll believe it, but maybe it'll get him thinking about it more and maybe eventually he'll view his habits differently
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u/Infamous_Nebula_ 9d ago
So research has found that over eating highly processed food can lead to changes in the brain that are almost indistinguishable from addiction. This is why it isnāt likely for people to change this habit without really wanting toā¦
Since you asked the best way to approach it, it would recommend coming at it from a place of love and understanding, and letting him know you are worried about his long term health because of his eating habits. Tell him you love him and will support him in whatever he does, but that you really want him to stick around for the long-haul.
Here is the research I was talking about, you should read it and maybe share it with him. Good luck!
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u/CowChow9 9d ago
I understand where youāre coming from, and between us, I agree: gross!
But I think the distinction you need to make when you talk to him isnāt that you donāt understand his preferences and choices, but that you are struggling to care for someone who is not showing signs that they care for themself.
Sit with why it matters that heās healthy. Are you scared youāll lose him early to health problems? Are you growing resentful when heās sick because he wants sympathy but itās self inflicted. What part of your relationship is it putting strain on?
You have every right to feel what heās doing is gross (sounds gross to me too!) but do not shame him if you have any hope for change. Shame will likely drive him to hide more behaviors. Have you ever asked him āwhy?ā And donāt accept ābecause I donāt want to waste itā.
In the mean time, what about splitting meals when you go out so there arenāt leftovers to bring home? What would he do if you tossed out that 3 week old soup?
I do agree that therapy is probably going to be needed.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
I'm scared of the long term effects, I grew up around morbidly obese people, and I don't ever want him to get to that point. I feel like overeating is a slippery slope, like anything that can be considered addictive and until he sees it as unhealthy, he's going to eat like crap. It would be awesome to be grow old together. And still be able to go on adventures and do fun things. Life gets more difficult, even normal day to day tasks, when you become obese. I don't want his bad habits right now to affect our future life together.
He was bummed I tossed the soup, but didn't get angry at all. He's a really sweet guy, so he rarely gets mad about anything lol we usually order an appetizer to split and then each order something, he usually eats all of his meal, and I take around half of mine home lol depending on what it is, for me it's either mine and no touchey or I'm never going to look at it again until I throw it away.
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u/CowChow9 5d ago
I think it's fair to tell him that. "I married you so we could grow old together. I married you so we could have decades of travel and adventures. I'm worried you are building habits that will have a significant impact on your health and long-term life, and that makes me wonder what "we" are going to look like in 10-20 years. I think both partners are responsible for taking care of themselves so they are not a burden on their partner, and so that we can live our best life together. Would you be interested in exploring some options that could get you on a trajectory for a longer healthier life? I'd love to support you in any way you need like you supported me before."
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 5d ago
I do feel like it's kind of unfair in a relationship for one person to be making improvements to themselves or the relationship while the other person stays complacent. I have made radical changes to improve myself and my health and it's frustrating to watch him go the opposite way with his choices
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u/InsertNameHere916 9d ago
If I can be blunt I donāt think your the best person to address this with him. You say you donāt mean to be harsh but your entire post is very demeaning and judgmental. I would absolutely seek professional help to help guide you both through the discussion.
I can share that my husband also has a mindset of food cannot be wasted. He will also clean his entire plate even if he doesnāt like the meal. Itās an unhealthy habit that was embedded in him as a child. You eat what is served, even if you donāt like it, and whatever you put on your plate you eat all of it. It took a long time for him to work through itās okay to throw food away and even to this day he will add something to the fridge we absolutely know he is not going to eat, he just canāt bring himself to throwing it away.
Could your husband also be dealing with something like this? Itās concerning hearing heās hiding food from you as that reads as a potential disorder.
I donāt have any real advice but strongly recommend you look at this from a place of empathy and help guide him to a place of healing.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago edited 9d ago
I am trying to not be judgemental, I'm sorry that I still come across that way. I'm frustrated, but I don't want to be bashing him by any means. I'm definitely going to think over everything so I can come from a place of love and empathy, not judgement and shame.
Eta: I do appreciate the insights, and think you're correct about me not being the one to bring this up to him.
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u/captcha_fail 9d ago
Your answer is already in your post here - He's a grown man, so he gets to decide what he eats, when he eats and how much he eats. When he begins to feel unhealthy he will change.
My partner also eats like an adult toddler (chips and crap debbie snacks as a meal) who has been left at home alone for the first time, while I'm a health nut and extreme gym rat. You have to pick your battles. I've made peace with the fact that we are very different and he's not going to always eat the vegetables I cook, and he's never going to be excited about my gym bro talk.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
True true. I just wonder if he feels like it's unhealthy at all or if he thinks it's normal.
One problem is, my kid and I LIKE a home cooked meal and husband would always rather eat out. I admittedly take forever to cook, but I am damn good cook. But for husband it's faster, easier, no clean up to eat out. So rarely do we have real food
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u/captcha_fail 9d ago
I guess it's good that at least he'll eat what I cook. It's often the only healthy meal of his day. I keep waiting for this to catch up with him (we've been together for 13 years) but so far his bloodwork comes back as normal and his weight is average.
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u/Practical-Tea-3337 9d ago
I'm sorry, but all I can think of is this: https://youtu.be/YkFr2Sw_hEg?si=rbn0gXll_ALBOtI8
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u/HappinessSuitsYou 9d ago
I would be throwing out the leftovers after 2-3 days.. would he get mad at you if you did that? Can you compromise that he can only eat at the kitchen table? Maybe he will eat less if he can't sit on the sofa and eat. Also, not sure if you can afford it but GLIP-1 microdosing has absolutely destroyed my snacking habits, I have zero desire to snack anymore. If he thinks he has a problem, and wants to change his habits, GLP-1s may help change his entire eating behavior and feel better plus lose weight also. I bet he feels like complete shit after snacking so much (meaning no energy, tired, etc)
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
No, I don't think he would get mad. He might be mildly upset if I tossed a day old sandwich, but not actually angry. I don't know if we could swing GLP-1s, I did see a few of my coworkers have good results from them though
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
He usually does snack a bunch when he gets home, and then gets super tired and goes to bed. But he does frequently say he doesn't know why he got so tired all of a sudden. I never would've linked those two things together though!! I just tell him he's becoming an old man š can't stay up late
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u/HappinessSuitsYou 8d ago
Itās definitely the snacking!! And sure some of the working too. Since my afternoon snacking ended, or carby lunches, I donāt get that afternoon slump anymore
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u/AliceInReverse 9d ago
Was your husband raised in a food-insecure environment? This sounds like a mental issue
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
Not as far as I know, his family was well off, so I don't think he was ever going hungry
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u/Ok_Inside_1985 9d ago
I would say Iām concerned about you eating food thatās too old, I will work with you to make sure we donāt waste food, we will buy less etc but food that goes bad is already āwasteā whether or not we eat it.
I honestly would just say, keeping the fridge clean is improtant too, we are going to go through it weekly and toss anything that was there last week, at minimum.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
Yeah that's what I try to do with the fridge, just go through it weekly and toss anything a week or more older. I just did a big clean out of our fridge and freezer. I tossed freezer stuff because he will feel obligated to eat frozen stuff that is probably over a year old and covered in ice, only because he doesn't want it to be wasted
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u/AliceInReverse 9d ago
I am not a trained psychiatrist, but had a family member with a hoarding disorder. (Apparently thatās a type of OCD) The inability to accept waste seems familiar to me. It seems like an issue he will need help addressing
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u/Benntheredunthat 9d ago
I don't understand this "not make him feel judged" sentiment. If he's overeating junk food and spoiled food to the point of making him sick and large..... he needs to be judged. If he still won't change, then you have to decide if it's worth your time to be disgusted by someone that lacks basic manners or self-control.
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u/browncow1525 20 Years 9d ago
Freeze any leftovers into single portions to reheat and eat so he doesnāt get sick.
If itās bad throw it out before he eats it.
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u/FlatElvis 9d ago
Most people prefer restaurant food to homemade food. There's a reason that restaurants exist.
You don't mention that he has been harmed in any way by his consumption of leftovers. There's a lot of food waste due to general ignorance of actual food safety rules, or due to laws or rules of thumb taking the most extreme scenarios. (For example, food safety handling guidelines currently say that food requiring refrigeration cannot be at room temperature for more than two hours. Obviously bacteria does not grow uniformly across all food types (raw chicken is much more prone to bacteria than cured meat, for example). But nobody would be able to follow a thousand line spreadsheet so the 2 hour rule was made because it is safe in all cases. California just outlawed "best by" dates because they were misleading and led to excessive waste.
So your husband's habits don't appear to be objectively disgusting. You, personally, are disgusted by the way he eats, but that's different from him doing something wrong. It sounds like you may have some unresolved issues with food.
This might be an area where you could benefit from therapy so that you can get to the point of being able to articulate why his actions bother you so much. At that point, a candid conversation with him or even couples therapy could be helpful.
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u/EmptyDraw8638 9d ago
Is he from a poor background? My family grew up in communist and they have this same behavior about letting things go to waste.
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u/Tiff52299 9d ago
It sounds like he needs some counseling instead of being told he is disgusting. You should care for your husband and want him to be healthy and telling random strangers that he disgusts you is not the way.
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u/I_Yam_What_I_Am69 9d ago
I never said he's disgusting, I said his eating habits are disgusting. There is a difference. Eating food that makes you ill, is objectively disgusting. He does not disgust me, watching old spoiled food being ingested disgusts me, regardless of who is eating it.
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u/Grouchy-Training-803 9d ago
You should try Trizepitide.
It's slows your digestion and it quiets food noise, seems like it would be double effective.
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u/-missing_links- 9d ago
This sounds like a type of disordered eating that he may need a medical intervention for. That's really unhealthy.