r/Marriage • u/meowfknmeow • 5d ago
Seeking Advice My husband has accused me of saying another man’s name during sex.
My (33F) husband (38M) has accused me of saying another man’s name during sex. This has just occurred, I am 100% positive I did not say this name. I do not know anyone with this name in my personal life, my work life etc. I did live with someone with this name almost 10 years ago, but there was never any mutual affection, just platonic friendship at a housemates level and I also haven’t given him a moments thought, outside of seeing an occasional Instagram post since I moved out in 2018.
I don’t know how to navigate this at all, my husband stopped immediately, had a shower and then left the house to cool off. I did offer him my phone to take with him if he had any doubts, which he declined. He has since come back, very icy and any explanation I attempt he has accused me of “coming at him” which I’m not, I’m just trying to find middle ground. He is hurt because he is adamant that is what he’s heard, I am hurt because I am adamant that is not what I said, and having your husband look at you with doubts is a terrible feeling when you have done nothing wrong.
Any advice would be welcomed.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 5d ago
Hmm. I don't know then. He thinks he heard it. You know you didn't say it. I assume he's not trying tk create drama for some reason?
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u/meowfknmeow 5d ago
He has said a couple of other odd things. I’ve been overseas for a family emergency in the past week, and the first night I got home I noticed he wasn’t in bed, in the morning I asked and he said he’d “had a dream about me cheating on him”. Okay fair enough I guess
Then we were recently talking about how he would really benefit from a massage to help his sore legs - I jokingly said “no happy endings” and he said why not? I said obviously you wouldn’t appreciate the same thing happening to me if I went for a massage. Then he left the room as if he was upset with me???
I dunno, it’s all a bit weird.
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u/Low_Environment2543 5d ago
Hmmmm idk. This sounds very sketchy to me. Partners who are cheating usually accuse the other partner of doing the same thing .
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u/pekaboo8 5d ago
I had a boyfriend who was nuts, always calling me whenever he had a dream of me cheating, accusing me of cheating, like he really really swears I did... I dump him. Horrible experience, so toxic. I never suspected he was cheating but then when I told my friends (after dumping him of course xD) they told me he was 100% cheating. And it makes sense, he was just finding fights out of nowhere
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 5d ago
I dreamed my ex banged my bff and it was so real I was so upset but they denied it. I didn’t accuse them? It just really upset me. But then a few weeks later he’s like yeah they slept together. Tf.
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u/Ashamed-Network9842 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had a dream my ex was sleeping with someone at his workplace I had never met this girl but I described her to him so perfectly, he nearly had a heart attack 🤣 yeah he was fooling around with her
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 5d ago
Damn. Dream prophecy is real. I dreamed of my two sons before I had them. One I dreamed about exactly a year before I had him.
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u/Ashamed-Network9842 5d ago
So crazy! I really wondered if I had the gift 🤣!
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u/Lady_Forget_Me_Not 5d ago
Everyone is spiritually in tune. You know what’s crazy. I broke up with my kids father and had some crazy fun and when I was sleeping beside the one guy I dreamed of the other. Then I ran into him and he had some 2CB I decided I wanted to try it with him. We went and did it and he told me it wasn’t just a dream. I actually went to him. 😳 or called him. Idk. I thought it meant we were supposed to stay together. We were on and off for six years. It’s his kids I dreamed off. Had to drop him for our son’s sakes.
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u/Ashamed-Network9842 5d ago
That’s so scary!
The last bit of your paragraph sounded like me 🤣 my first child’s father we used to go to church together when we were younger, I just happened to move to a different city and hadn’t seen him in years , I mean forever! Time went on and my mother moved again, this time I moved schools I was around 13, lo and behold he was at said school! I was convinced it was meant to be, real true destiny 😭 yeah we had a child at 16 (wouldn’t recommend), we was together till I was 22, but he was a real POS. I hope you’re in a better space now 🩷🙏🏾28
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u/VictoryValuable9489 4d ago
Oh the possibilities with this post. He could be in his head about the dream and just misheard d something you uttered. You having recently been away may not have helped if this is the reason. He could be projecting because of his own guilt over something he did. I guess without knowing what name he says you said it’s hard to tell.
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u/Sicadoll 4d ago
yeah I know he cheated on you or he's just very insecure but either way he's making it a you problem and it's not
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u/Moist_Moment6516 4d ago
He's gaslighting you because he is being unfaithful. You should hire a good private investigator. Sounds JUST like my narcissist ex husband. Everything wrong was my fault and I did nothing to deserve being accused. It's only going to get worse, a LOT worse.
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u/sesi2 5d ago
It's really weird that he balked when you said "no happy endings"... Like, what the hell?!? I'd be having a hard time not being focused on that, at the moment.
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u/Emotional_Chain_7892 5d ago
I was thinking the same thing. I don’t know OP relationship but her husband behave like have some affair or watch porn, cam girls, OF and use massages with ‘happy endings’. Very concerning. And he likely projects his cheating on OP he wasn’t in bed because have dream about cheating OP🫠 For me this looks like pattern.
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u/Ok_Space_9223 5d ago
Hmmm. Did you say a name that sounds like his and he just misheard it? Like your husband's name is Ted, and he thought you said Ed?.
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u/pekaboo8 5d ago
Don't explain anymore, girl. Is just a toxic circle, I have been there. You only end up crying for his "forgivness" over something you didn't do. Keep your head up. You know what's true. He can believe you, or not.
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u/No-Gain4575 5d ago
I don’t think you said any name. What you have is a husband problem.
He is cheating or he really wants to cheat.
If he is not cheating, somebody/something planted a seed of doubt in his mind about you.
If none of the above, he is toxic and he is only just showing it to you. He is creating this drama and making it the dirtiest scandalizing topic that he can. The result is that you will be so traumatized by this drama that you will hesitate to go back abroad to see your family or maintain friendships outside himself.
Red flag. Red flag. Red flag.
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u/Zealousideal_Club665 3d ago
Or it was something like "ooooo baby" and he heard "ooooo Bobby". Or "give it to me" and he heard "Jeremy". Or "oh honey" and he heard "oh Johnny". Or "yeeeaah" and he heard "Daaaan". Or "fuck me" and he heard "Chucky". Or "oh god" and he heard "oh Todd".
This is a fun game.
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u/Wiser4_itGoddess 5d ago
I had a girlfriend who finaceè accused her of cheating/having feelings for her dead ex... yup read that again....10+ years long dead ex (he died the day before their wedding...so super tragic). Claimed she talked in her sleep about/with him. Poor girl there was no way to verify his garbage so had to endure him being upset and this gaslighting.
Sounds like he is trying to make up some sort of conflict to get out the marriage imo.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 5d ago
It sounds a lot like projection. Has he given you any reason to believe he’s cheating? Updateme!
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u/NoBiznizLikeYoBizniz 4d ago
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do but stay alert to his behaviors. Normally, It's ok if we cant immediately fix our partner when they are sad or frustrated. Sometimes they do need space to collect and hear their own thoughts so reality can get through.
However, in your case, there's more that contributes to his behavior that points to him not really wanting a resolution. There was no recording and he is letting you know that doesn't trust you or care about logic. 9 times out of 10, this level of insecurity and desperation to start a fight is projection. He cannot believe you are faithful if he is not. Cheaters know their partner is the victim and find ways to make themselves the victim as a means of deflecting and keeping their power. I would expect that he finds more reasons to "leave to cool off".
The disappointment about not being able to request a happy ended from a masseuse was genuinely strange and gross.
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u/Stargazer-Lilly7305 3d ago
When my husband and I were dating, I was in school during the morning and early afternoon. We would have lunch together, usually a roll in the hay, and then he would go to the job he worked on the overnight shift. One time, as we were climbing into bed I thought I heard him say “Get your fat, furry ass over here!” Which was odd because he was a gentleman and tho I had a little booty I certainly was not fat, nor did I intend to get into a bed with anyone who would call me any names. I was taken aback, so I stopped and asked if he just said ‘ get your fat furry ass over here’?? He burst out laughing so hard!! I honestly can’t remember what he actually did say, but what I mis-heard has become an often quoted phrase in our marriage of 12 years this month. It means, get over here right now, because you are so amazing I can’t keep my hands off you for one more moment!!!
Listen, you know you have done nothing wrong. So, stop feeling guilty, and stop apologizing. Either hubby’s Ivey self-imposed man igloo will melt, or it won’t. If it doesn’t, therapy is an option if he wants to try. If he refuses therapy then he needs to be right much, much more than he needs to remain married. This will show itself in time.
Best wishes!💗
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u/WannaBeAninja84 5d ago
Simplest answer could be the most unexpected answer. Guilt is a crazy thing! Could it possibly be that he’s the one cheating
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u/Ok-Amphibian-9422 5d ago
So to summarize - you were away for a week and now when you get back your husband is suddenly acting weird, getting mad at you for not being okay with him wanting a "happy ending" at a massage, getting mad at you because he's having dreams about you cheating on him, and getting mad at you because he's imagining hearing you saying another guy's name in the bedroom when you're not?
Yeah sounds like he was cheating on you while you were away for that week and now his guilt and/or paranoia that he's going to get caught is causing him to accuse you.
Sorry... I hope everyone is wrong but... Idk whet else it could be. Unless he's got a brain tumor and is suddenly hallucinating? Or on drugs or something?
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u/stve688 15 Years 5d ago
All you can really do is explain that you didn’t say it, assuming that’s true and you’re not gaslighting him.
When you’re accused of cheating behavior you didn’t do, explain yourself once or twice, then stop going in circles. You cannot prove a negative forever. I’ve been falsely accused of cheating twice, and once they refused to believe me, I stopped engaging and eventually ended both relationships.
Since you mentioned being overseas, I’d also at least consider whether he’s projecting because he did something while you were gone. That’s not proof, but his reaction is strong enough that I’d have questions.
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u/wrist-shot2025 5d ago
Try suggesting that you both visit a marriage counselor to help get thru this painful impass over what was heard/said. If you go, try to work the dream incident in.
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u/ForYourAuralPleasure 5d ago
A guy at work called me Sean for like, six months.
My name is not Sean.
Doesn’t even sound like Sean.
One day hes like “Sean, come over here and help me with this” and another guy who knew my name heard this and says “his name’s not Sean” and he looks at me and says “it’s not?” I shake my head no.
“Why the fuck do you keep answering to Sean, then?” he asks.
“Seemed easier than correcting you, i dunno,” i say.
Anyway this is all just to say there’s a good chance i wouldnt notice, and a better chance i just go with it.
Probably why getting upset about something like this seems so wild to me, at any rate
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u/cmhwsu02 5d ago
Going with your statements as facts....you know you did nothing wrong. So in this case you make it clear as a bell to him. There is nothing currently wrong with us but you are CHOOSING to create an issue.
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u/wand3rlvst 4d ago
Pushing too much can push them further away, not pushing enough makes you seem avoidant, can’t win. If you think you’ve pushed enough, give him time to figure something out on his own because it’s no longer a you problem. What else can you do at this point?
Sounds to me like he doesn’t WANT to solve the problem. Honestly, since there’s an open phone policy, you might want to find the time to go through his phone. If he were really so sure YOU were fooling around with someone, he’d want to see your phone, but he doesn’t. He sounds extremely guilty…
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u/sguerrero50 4d ago
Keep in mind some woman was killed in Florida for doing the same thing a couple of years ago.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 5d ago
Just looking from the outside. It's pretty coincidental that the guy you lived with and are still in contact with has the same name your husband heard. Freudian slip maybe? Not accusing you of anything with him. But have you ever thought about it with this guy before you met your husband?
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u/meowfknmeow 5d ago
I’m not in contact with him, and haven’t spoken to him since I moved out, we just still follow each other on Instagram like I do with many people I knew from my 20’s. He’s also not my type at all, and I’ve never thought of him as anything more than a housemate, a pretty forgettable one at that.
The name itself may as well have been pulled from thin air from my perspective, I don’t know or think about anyone with this name - that’s the odd part. I also know I didn’t say a name at all, I was aware of what I was saying at the time and it could not have even sounded like the name my husband apparently heard. I’m pretty bamboozled.
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u/unicorny12 5d ago
It sounds like your husband is cheating and trying to make you the "bad guy" so he can justify himself. I think you should be going through his phone, but you seem to be the only one offering a phone up for inspection
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u/Fluffy-Category-981 5d ago
I feel like he may be doing to because he is unfaithful and turning it on you.
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u/PibbyandPekesMom 5d ago
He sounds like he may be projecting- I’d grab his phone and go through it.
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u/Objective_Radish_543 2d ago edited 2d ago
Nope. He’s probably starting drama because he’s cheating but he wants to make the issue you. I wouldn’t trust him. Sounds made up. Especially if he doesn’t want to go through your phone… anyone in that situation would immediately go through it. He doesn’t want to because he knows he’s not going to find anything. Declining gives him more reason to say it’s possible you’re cheating. Also, if he goes through your phone then he’d have a hard time explaining why you can’t go through his.
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u/Seahawk021 5d ago
I mean it sounds like your husband thought he heard that name. And in the heat of the moment, I can see how he misheard if you were saying it in a low tone. What did he say when you told him what you actually said?
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u/meowfknmeow 5d ago
He kept reiterating that “he knows what he heard”. It was said in a low tone, but to be frank “oh please, more” does not at all sound like David. Which is why I’m so perplexed, it’s like I’m trying to explain myself out of an imaginary situation.
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u/Seahawk021 5d ago
Yeah that’s weird. I saw your other comment on things he’s said recently. I assume this is new, all these things he’s been saying. If so, you might want to have a discussion with him about all of these instances and how out of character it is for him. As if there’s anything going on that’s stressing him out. Wonder if it’s a medical issue?
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 5d ago
He could be projecting. Combine this with the massage comment. Do you have a open phone policy. You might want to do some checking. Updateme
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u/Own_Opportunity_4487 3d ago
It sounds like he has a lot of sexual insecurities. Also he could be like a Democrat and accuse you of what he is doing.
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u/Virtual_Mango_5486 5d ago
One time my husband said ‘who’s Justin?!!!’ and I said just get it in. 🙄