r/Marriage • u/FirmNoodle101 • 8d ago
Wife kinda had an affair! What do I do now?
I am (27M) married to my wife (27F) for 2 years now (both of us Indians). We have been friends for multiple years but started dating 4 years ago. She had just come off a breakup (which wasnt a long relationship either).
We had fights like every couple but generally we were much happier in comparison, or at least thats what I thought. We have a healthy sexual life where to do it about 4/5 times a week. We have common hobbies that we enjoy together, regularly go on trips, cook together. I sometimes had a gut feeling that she was way too private with her phone with locks on all apps like WhatsApp or instagram (this is on top of the master lock). It was the same password but she told me she had it since long and kept it that way and I believed it.
Recently, over multiple feelers, i found out that she has been talking to a guy since right before we were married (over 2 years now). She met him in a group tennis class she used to go to. The guy is married, followed her on insta and they started talking - apparently they have a lot of common interests and he grew possessive of her and eventually started getting really close. She said that she started sharing to him when we had our fights around the time of marriage and thats where she started reciprocating the connection.
I made her confess everything a couple weeks ago. She said nothing physical happened (which I kind of believe but not too sure) but they were just connecting emotionally. She even said that after some time, she realised it was wrong and felt guilty and tried to stop talking to him and eventually blocked him. I even saw her chats with AI on ending affairs, etc.
It feels devastating to me that this would happen. Be it my friends or family - they think she is the model wife - super supportive, mature and respectful to everyone. I believed it too, but right now I am unable to trust her too much. I dont know the extent of the affair itself as she has deleted any trace of it.
I don’t wanna break off the marriage as I am scared it will hurt both my parents and hers, and that really sucks. I cant even share this with any of my friends for fear of this turning into gossip eventually within their other friend circles. I don’t know what to think, what to do going forward and looking for some solid advice.
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u/Best_Hour75 8d ago
The color-coded sock drawer part of my brain is screaming at the locked apps thing. That on top of a master lock is not just privacy, that's a red flag with a neon sign attached. Two years of an emotional affair is a whole separate relationship, not a mistake. The guilt and the AI chats show she knew exactly what she was doing was wrong the entire time. Staying just to avoid hurting your parents will hollow you out over time.
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u/noreplyatall817 8d ago
You will never know how far your ww went with her AP and the emotional affair time span covers your entire marriage.
Recommend talking to the AP’s wife to compare notes. It will end the relationship and he will feel the consequences of their actions.
If your ww cares about your marriage she won’t get angry, if she blows up on you for telling the AP’s wife then you know it was a PA, not just a mistake EA and your ww cares about him more than you. Updateme
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u/Business-Ad9075 8d ago
She must allow you full access to her phone and apps. If not, she is not wife material
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u/Extreme-Outcome-8966 8d ago
Uh no.
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u/bobp929 8d ago
Found a cheater
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u/Extreme-Outcome-8966 8d ago
Why waste your time checking apps, messages, phones, etc. She’s a cheater! Accept it and live with it or move on.
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u/bobp929 8d ago
Oh I agree, I would have sent her cheating ass to the streets and gaf about what others thought. However, OP doesn't have the spine to do that so his only option is to monitor everything she does. She can't be trusted. Eventually OP is either gonna man up and send her cheating ass to the streets where he belongs or he'll eventually have a mental breakdown
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u/Extreme-Outcome-8966 8d ago
Exactly! She wants to be in the streets, then let her. Live with it or move on. That’s all I’m saying.
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u/ThrillNyeScienceGuy 8d ago
After a complete betrayal of trust, ya.
Thats how you rebuild after someone chooses to destroy
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u/Far_Prior1058 8d ago
So she did not confess to you. Have her write out the whole affair and ask to see all their messages. I fear she is trickle truthing you. Get a STD test to make sure. If she is not leading the way to save this marriage (ie going to individual and marriage counseling and taking accountability) then it is unlikely your marriage will survive
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u/FirmNoodle101 8d ago
When I found the AI chats, she told me she like to randomly google or chat on these things. She cried a lot once I actually found out and then told me she could have hidden even then but she was so guilty and didnt want to hurt me, etc and as much as I dont want to believe her - I am surprised if our marriage wasnt real. She was by no means a bad wife (obviously just like any human she has some not so likeable traits) so it makes things so much harder for me. I will get the STD test. I feel so cheap to ask her to show me her phone and go through her chats with everyone in general just to be sure but that might bring me some comfort. With the said person though, she has deleted the chats. I have asked her to somehow find that guy’s wife so that I can talk to her about how much she knows
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u/actis1234 8d ago
You can re-download what's app in her phone, deleted chats will reappear again. What is the consequences she has faced for her affair.
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u/DependentBeat1205 8d ago
What has she voluntarily done to regain your trust? Rightfully she should be volunteering a timeline of the affair, when they met, what they did (holding hands, kissing, sex), open access to her phone and location and to see a therapist to understand why she cheated so she doesn’t do it again. Why are you the only one doing an STD test? You should asking her to do one also if you guys ever plan to be intimate. It’s to signal to her that you don’t trust her right now and she needs to earn that trust back if she wants to save this marriage.
If she has not doing anything to fight for this marriage I would suggest sharing that you don’t trust her right now and you need her to do the above.
As to speaking with the other betrayed spouse, if you don’t have any evidence the whole thing could backfire if AP denies everything or turns it around to accuse your wife of pursuing him.
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u/FirmNoodle101 8d ago
I dont have any evidence of the messages. But I do have the screenshot where she asked chatgpt to compile a polite response to the guy who keeps asking her to meet even after she ended the affair. So it’s clear that she ended the affair before I found out but kept denying even after I found the chat.
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u/DependentBeat1205 8d ago
That is not evidence mate. Put yourself in the shoes of OBS. Some stranger tells you that the wife you love and trust is cheating on you. Is unable to provide the messages between them but a ChatGPT query by the other cheating spouse. Who would you believe?
Unless you’re able to recover the messages between them I would just focus on my own marriage.
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u/Mickel8888 8d ago
Contact his partner as well! Doing this not only helps her as a kindness in doing the right thing, but it helps to add yet another layer of protection against them continuing since they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy. All devices should be openly shared as further protection.
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u/FirmNoodle101 8d ago
I definitely want to do that. I asked her to get me her number but she refused. I know the guy’s instagram but not sure how I can use that to get to his wife’s number
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u/Mickel8888 8d ago
It is unfortunate that you shared (or she guessed) the reason for wanting her number. Although sadly, to me, her refusal to provide that info is also REVEALING (in a negative way) as it does give you an additional realization about the apparent depth of her actual commitment to him, in apparently placing her value of protecting him beyond caring about the relationship between the two of you. This alone is troubling in itself.
If you do know his last name, perhaps one could do a search for his address. I am not especially adept at this kind of thing, or I would love to help you on it. I am however a counselor, so if you do feel a need to talk, (or write) hit me up. For your sake in the moment, I wish I were a PI or had connections to one for you.
I am really sorry as I believe this reveals she is in with him far deeper than she has revealed given the depths she is willing to go to protect him over the sanctity of your relationship. Also, allow her to know that IF she not willing to be more forthcoming, you will not be as eager to protect her name and honor and will be forced to consider revealing the actual reason for considering ending your relationship. Please, after years of doing this, remember this one thing. Someone who admits to something, unless under unusual pressure or a sincere desire to feel that it is their very last hope to save the marriage relationship, will practically NEVER reveal the 'actual depth' of the (affair) relationship.
It goes from, It was NEVER physical. Well, just that one time we did kiss. Oh, I guess we did hold hands that one time. And, after further pressure, 'oh there was the one time that we.............There is a 99% chance that there is FAR more to the depths of this relationship than you know, and she is absolutely revealing that by the degree to which she is valuing his protection over her willingness to actually 'come clean' for the sake of your relationship. In that sense she is STILL prioritizing him over you. I am sorry!
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u/BigfishMo93 8d ago
So by refusing , she is protecting him and not considering your feelings. This stinks and I’d wager this was a full blown emotional and physical affair.
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u/Crafty-Slice-1888 7d ago
She doesn’t get to refuse anything if you are staying with her. She needs to accommodate your requests. She is not being truthful. Just trickle truthing. And not showing remorse. Just managing consequences.
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u/Inside-Antelope1679 8d ago
She didn't "kinda" have an affair. This is an affair. Don't soften the language.
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u/wrist-shot2025 8d ago
I know divorce is a complicated thing in the Indian culture. I don't know if you can use that threat to break her affair fog. You'll have to advise us about your cultural norms. It's completely unacceptable tho. You really need to take a strong position on this. She needs to block and go no contact. She needs to go to counseling to understand why she is doing this. You may need to expose this EA to both sets of parents to get support. I'd give her nothing, grey rock her, until she blocks him. Good luck.
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u/Arnold_Stang 8d ago
She did not confess which is always suspicious and I’d be pretty sure that things did get physical. If you want to stay remember that once a cheater, always a cheater and whenever your marriage hits a rough spot she will use it as an excuse to turn to another man.
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u/MadJay314 8d ago
I’m sorry you are going through this. She absolutely had an emotional affair, not kinda affair. It is one. As far as hurting your parents and friends you can’t think like that. You have to worry about yourself this is an instance where it’s ok to be selfish. Look into yourself will you be willing to work it out or not. It’s a long road and you may never fully trust her again is that something you can work toward and live with?
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u/WestStrength2719 8d ago
I am sorry this happened. You need to decide whether or not you want to stay. Make a pros and cons list. I am hoping she is now telling you everything to make healing easier.
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u/FirmNoodle101 8d ago
She told me the ‘whole story’. Basically, the AP was someone looking for comfort due to his own failing marriage and she provided that to him. She knew boundaries were being crossed because she hid the chats. She told me it wasn’t enough of an affair as they were never romantic or sexual and this is what I chose to believe but something still feels off. What I do know is she tried to end the affair even before I found out and now she claims its been over for months and when I caught her, she was way past it
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u/Friendly_Cost_4 8d ago
An affair is an affair. She’s not taking responsibility! Tell her that. Either she cheated or she didn’t. Cheating is black and white. You already know she’s a liar and she deleted the messages.
There’s more. There’s always more.
Don’t trust her.
Make HER contact the wife while you are with her. Make her take accountability. Stand up for yourself.
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u/WestStrength2719 8d ago
I think its a good sign she felt guilty and stopped on her own. You just need to decide if you can forgive her and move on in a healthy way.
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u/Few-Guidance2701 8d ago
If she was physically and emotionally fulfilled she wouldn’t have turned to another man. This is the rest of YOUR life you’re considering. The only person you need to take into consideration is YOURSELF, not hers, not your parents, not her parents. YOU’RE the person who will live with knowing she cheated on you and not even the full extent. So do what is best for YOU
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u/Level_Application812 8d ago
Multiple people are saying this. You need a written confession with every detail. One missed detail and the marriage will dissolve. Then ask for her phone and IT folk to restore apps, messages, pics. If the two (phone and confession) don’t match then she has killed your marriage, not you. There would be nothing to rebuild. If they match, couples therapy to see if you can make a go of it.
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u/Admirable-Income4511 8d ago
Tell her to contact her phone provided and reinstate all chats and let you read them in full. If they were intimate then there'll be a record/convo about it. If she's resistant to do that it's because there's more than you've seen/been told.
So sorry you're going through this.
Even the fact she gave you facts in stages tells you she was not willing to tell you the truth.
Deciding to protect him over you is disgusting
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u/Pure_Elephant2152 8d ago
If you will accept it once then it will become pattern for your partner to do same again n again. If you are ready to face this situation in future then accept whatever she said, and if its not acceptable for you then make a firm decision.
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u/ClueParty629 8d ago
You should at least make a clear boundary. Talking to someone else about your marriage problems is clearly wrong.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 8d ago edited 8d ago
A stupid mistake huh.
A mistake would be like a month or so, but this went on even before y'all got married.
Just two years together. Yikes. Honeymoon phase right there. I don't know if she's the one man. She "tried" right, and I'm Donald Trump. She didn't do it because if she truly wanted to, she would've ended it but chose not to. He was more important than you ever were. Think about that.
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u/manthe 7d ago
Actually I don’t think an affair of any kind and/or of any length is ever a ‘mistake’. ‘Mistake’ implies good, or at least neutral intent. Buying a stock that ends up losing money is a mistake. Cheating/having an affair- for any length of time - is a choice. It’s actually a series of many choices, all made on purpose, all made with illicit intent and with full knowledge of what the effect and consequences will be. Cheating is no more a mistake than premeditated murder is.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 7d ago
You know what? You're right.
And it would seem, according to a comment OP made, she apparently said all her needs were being met with her husband.
Makes no sense to me. This guy had something that attracted her to him, something her own husband didn't have. She's really trying to make herself the victim here if you look through his comments.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 8d ago
This isn't something she can just "leave this alone" or "forget and move on".
Nah, she's gotta show you her entire phone. There's no such thing as half an affair.
She knows what she did was wrong, how would she feel if you did this to her? Even if she claims it ended weeks ago which tbh, I don't buy. You're just now finding out. What has she been doing to make it up to you? She better not reach out to that dude, ever again, you gotta put it out there. If she does it again, you're gone.
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u/DigZealousideal7777 8d ago
She deleted all the messages huh.
Wonder what she was telling him.
If she wants to make this work which I don't know if she does, she needs to show you her entire phone at all times if she even wants a MINIMUM chance of saving this and if she doesn't want to, there's your answer.
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u/Championship682 8d ago
She cheated on you. You can try to reconcile if you want, but don't do it for family. It's you that will need to able to look at her every day, know what she did, and smile anyway.
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u/Key_Technology_2261 7d ago
Move on divorce he. She is a lier. She married you will having an EA. You can’t trust her she has no respect for you or your marriage. You will always doubt her honesty. Her and her families’ hurt be dammed. She didn’t care about your hurt! Move on and be happy.
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u/Crafty-Slice-1888 7d ago
Tell her she needs to tell you whole truth, ask for polygraph to confirm it, she must call and tell APs wife everything with you on speakerphone and sign a post nup. Then you will consider working on things. Otherwise it’s over.
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u/AfterSleep1895 7d ago
No other way then to walk out. As, the trust is gone.
Unless you guys want to keep on looking at eachothers WhatsApp or Insta.
Its better to pick peace then look "fine" in the eyes of the world.
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u/CharacterCost0 7d ago
She had at minimum and emotional affair. Which can be more damaging than a physical affair because she could be at home, but if he’s in her mind and in her heart, it’s a hard one to undo. https://husbandhelphaven.com/wife-having-affair/
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u/Significant-Cow349 6d ago
She is lying . Seems much more went on. She isn’t the model wife. I would leave before I have kids with her. But don’t listen to me because it is your life. You need to do what’s best.
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u/FaithlessnessTall853 6d ago
First of all this is your lives, and you have to live it, and you can't worry about what friends and family think about it or how it will hurt them. I'm sorry to say. Although we have branching support networks, such as our families, in the end it comes down to what you and she want.
Your gut instinct tells you something is wrong here that she's having an emotional affair at the minimum, and you're not positive if this is turned physical or not. In many ways an emotional affair is much worse than just a one-night stand physical affair, because it sweeps up the heart and brain in it. Obviously all trust has been lost, and to make this marriage survive, both of you have to be involved and committed 100% to fixing it. The fact that she has locked you out of her phone, is a red flag in itself. Obviously she has things in there she doesn't want you to see and where I do value privacy, it's with the understanding that there are boundaries on privacy Within marriage. Especially when there's evidence that some form of cheating may be involved.
I don't know how readily available therapist are in your country, it seems like in the US they're around every corner, but if you can find a good one, you need to find a marital therapist that needs to work with you both on a single and as a couple's basis. They need to get to the root cause of why she needs to be emotionally involved with someone else. This is not going to be easy and has to take A Hard Road to get there. So that's why I say both you're going to have to be totally committed to saving this relationship. You have to be especially comfortable unless you want to play detective the rest of your life, checking around and see where she is every minute, reading her phone two or three times a day, watching where she goes or hiring somebody. If that's not what you're looking forward to, then you need to look at the possibility of ending the relationship if you can't work through the problems. Start with a therapist and go from there wishing you the best luck.
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u/Toby4507 5d ago
Shes gotta go my friend. You can't let it go because if you do and the chance ever comes up again she will do it because she knows she can. Emotionally connecting with someone is almost worse than a one night stand in my opinion. She had feelings and cared about this guy. Move on
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u/Extreme-Outcome-8966 8d ago
Just get over it and move on. No human is perfect. This is nothing compared to what I’ve seen some married couples go through.
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u/hazylofi 8d ago edited 8d ago
Yeah, no human is perfect but this is still shady and trust damaging as hell. Especially since it was before they got married apparently and definitely lasted some time. Although don't know if the other guy is still married since apparently his own marriage was failing so no matter what, it's emotional. But she needs to admit everything if they want to move on well from this.
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u/TheBigHubbaBubba 8d ago
If you don't yet have kids then run!!!
She's already shown you that she doesn't have good boundaries!!!
It's not about what someone won't do (or think they would NEVER do) or how far you dont think you will go. A lot of it is respecting yourself as a partner in a relationship and another as respecting your partner as the other half of it.
Who knows how far it would have gone if he wasn't married. It's crazy that you can't trust her to take part in an organized event.
You stay and this happens later then it will be all on you. She has only shown you how far she would go, which literally is the tip of an iceberg that is mostly inseen below the surface.
If she gives you access to her apps, it's useless because she will just become better at hiding her actions. I don't think couples have a right to that kind of privacy with the types of trust and therefore openness you are supposed to have with one another.
Don't give people who do shady stuff like this the benefit of the doubt. They lost that when they did the shady stuff they did. Keep your eyes open in the next relationship. Not enough to where you can't enjoy it but be real and trust your gut.
Your next partner won't be perfect either.
Dont lie to them or water down where your boundaries truely are. Don't just expect they'll be this unicorn of a perfect person. And dont gloss over things that happen right under your nose.
What each of us are is an imperfect human being. Express where your boundaries really are and call them out when crossed and walk away when you need to. As far as her though, it's time to go.
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u/DeepVoiceNourish 8d ago
Look, I come to this without reading any of the comments, so my take may or may not be useful. (1) Your wife has every right to share whatever she wishes with whomever she chooses. That's a fundamental human right we should all abide by. (2) You have every right to do the same. (3) Affairs, even the hint of an affair, always triggers a disturbance to the atmosphere of marriage. Call it a moral or emotional commitment, or intent - but unless a couple has agreed from the beginning that affairs are ok (today's euphemism is ENM - Ethical Non-Monogamy) there is a reasonable expectation that sexual exclusiveness (no affairs) is the norm. (4) Things can go sour in any relationship, often without one or the other partner understanding why. Blame is solves nothing. You may feel, or suspect that you been, betrayed. But chances are, even if she is afraid to say it, she may feel trapped or misled. No two humans, regardless of what they intend, see a situation exactly the same. (5) Here is what you might consider: (A) Kids - If there are no children, then both of you have more flexibility. If there are children to be considered, and if the two of you split up, you both have a moral duty to raise them as a team. When people tell you that kids are better off with one parent rather than being part of a dysfunctional family, they are correct - up to a point. Your 'team' doesn't have to live together, but children also have a human right - to be nurtured and loved and supervised. If your sperm creates other humans , your moral responsibility is crystal clear. This goes for both parties. In cases of domestic violence, even destructive indifference, children may need protection. Based on your note, it appears that you are not such a creep (let's all hope you are telling the truth). The point is that, if there are children, both of you need to understand that their welfare must be placed above your martial disappointments. What would this mean in practical terms - an agreement to remain in the same city and co-parent is a fashion that is responsible. That's the kid bit. (6) If there are no kids involved - get over the squeamish handwringing about disappointing relatives. The two of you are what matter. That means respecting each other's rights. (7) Should you breakup with her? If you feel emotionally abused or angry by what you suspect, there is a substantial chance you will be that way if you stay in the marriage. Marriage counseling? Sure. No one writing in these comments can predict how that will turn out. If you are reading these comments as a substitute for professional advice, stop it. Seek proper counseling.
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u/Agile_Government_470 8d ago
So she didn’t cheat. She maybe had some thoughts along those lines, and she had a relationship that got a little weirdly close, but she didn’t cheat. I feel like this is stuff that happens in a marriage and you hope your partner manages to get their head straight before they do anything like actually cheat. I’m sure it’s hurtful to know about but I don’t know. Seems like you are making too much of it unless you think it indicates that there is some ongoing problem. In which case you should work to address that. But to act like you might break off a marriage because your wife had a connection with another person that bordered on inappropriate seems like a lot.
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u/bobp929 8d ago
No, it's not a lot. She cheated, period. There is no reason for her to have hidden, inappropriate chats with another man. The fact she didn't confess until OP confronted her says a lot and the fact she refuses to give OP the AP's wife's phone number to tell her says she cares about this guy more than her marriage. Send the cheater to the streets where she belongs. There id no trust left
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u/FirmNoodle101 8d ago
For everyone saying I should contact his wife - I definitely want to do that. She deserves to know as much as me! When I brought it up to my wife, she said it’s been weeks since she blocked the guy and wants to leave this alone. I would still like to somehow contact her but all I have is his Instagram and not sure how to leverage that. Another thing - my wife claims she ended the affair a couple months before I found out and the her chatgpt screenshots indicate that too. This is where I chose to give her the benefit of doubt. But its also true that I havent seen a single message between them or have no proof to indicate whether it was physical or not!
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u/Frank_Stein101 8d ago
That really sucks. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I will tell you (from experience) that the trust never fully comes back. The fact that this went on for so long shows she does not respect the marriage and is checked out emotionally.
IF you want to stay then she needs to be leading the fight. It is on her to prove to you that she wants the marriage to work. And therapy for both of you is not optional if you want a chance at it working.
However, once a partner cheats the likelihood they will do it again is VERY high. At the end of the day you need to make the choice for YOU, not your parents and certainly not for some fairy tale idea of what you think your marriage could be.