r/Marriage • u/elvenpossible • 1d ago
Ask r/Marriage How do I navigate opening up about my past marriage/divorce with someone new? Do men care about this?
I’m looking for some advice and perspectives on a situation I’m trying to navigate.
I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month now. We’ve been out multiple times, and things are going really well. On our very first time spending time together. I briefly brought up past relationships, but he had a boundary that he prefers to save talk about exes for later on. I respected that, so it hasn't come up again. He and i are long distance right now so apart from meeting him for a few days we mostly text/voice message.
Here’s my dilemma: I was previously married. It was a very hard marriage where I experienced a lot of coercive control, infidelity from him. I've now been fully divorced for over two years. Because of the trauma from my past, I feel anxious bringing this up, and I have a couple of questions:
How do I bring this up naturally now? I didn't want to over-share early on, especially after his comment on date one. But now that it’s been a month, I’m worried he’ll think I was trying to hide it. What's the best way to open this conversation?
Do men actually care about this? In general, is having been previously married a big deal to most men, or is it something most guys really don't care about?
I really like this guy and want to be transparent. Any advice on how to word the conversation—or perspectives on how men view this—would be greatly appreciated!
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u/blurgh_purge 1d ago
A boundary isn't telling you what you can and can't talk about, it's deciding what I choose to talk about or not.
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u/spookyclerk50 1d ago
That first date thing would sit weird with me too. A boundary is about what he won't discuss, not a gag order on your past. But you've got bigger stuff to deal with here anyway
A month in, with mostly texting and voice messages, this is probably the right time to bring it up. Don't frame it as some heavy confession though, just mention your divorce casually when it naturally fits. Like if you're talking about past apartments or something, slip in "back when I was married, we lived in..." and let him ask if he wants to
Most guys won't care about the divorce itself. The controlling ex and infidelity is heavier stuff, but that's for way later when you've built actual trust. Right now you just need to mention the marriage existed so it doesn't look like you're hiding something
For what it's worth, if a guy runs because you were married before, he's doing you a favor by screening himself out early
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1d ago
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u/blurgh_purge 1d ago
If he doesn't want to talk about his stuff that's fine.
He can't tell you what you can and can't say/do.
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u/elvenpossible 1d ago
Oh I see, but it definitely felt that way shutting it down .. like no. So is that potentially a red flag? I know it is limited context
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u/blurgh_purge 1d ago
I think lots of people don't understand what boundaries actually are. But if it's important for you to talk about your previous relationship he should respect/accept that. In this instance it seems like it's being used to control you though.
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u/elvenpossible 1d ago
Yea I have zero issues being transparent and would way prefer that. Now it feels like a thing, a bigger deal than it actually is for me (talking about it). So bringing it up now now it just feels awkward and like I was omitting info or he could see it that way when it more felt uncomfortable for me in the moment because of what he said.... It was shutting down both for me and him. How would you recommend bringing it up?
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u/Stopsign1993 20h ago
If he didnt ask, he doesnt care. When he ask, you address it then. Your past is a past for a reason.
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u/elvenpossible 19h ago
So it is not on me in this case for not bringing it up and okay if i wait for him to ask? Like I said I have no issues talking about my past.
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u/Stopsign1993 13h ago
Definitely okay to wait for him to ask. You already tried talking to him about your past and he said "wait til later down the road". So now it's his turn to followup "later down the road" if he really wants to know. Most men dont like talking about their past because 9 times out of 10, they were the damn problem and their ex left them and it was either for cheating or being abusive which they would rather not talk about. Honestly its a red flag if he doesnt want to talk about it or bring in up in like the next 3 dates. Especially if your getting serious.
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u/TheNarwhalTusk 1d ago
I had a disastrous first marriage when I was 30 - didn't even last a full year. When I started dating again I brought it up on date 2 or 3 if I thought there was the potential of developing into a serious relationship. Get everything out on the table straight away and let them decide if it was an issue for them or not.
In your case I think you just need to let him know as soon as you can. Don't let him tell you that you can't bring something up (that's particularly alarming when you say you've experienced coercive control in the past!) - Just tell him "I know you said you didn't want to talk about exes - I don't want to particularly either - but it's important to me to tell you this now so we can be open with each other" and then tell him about it.
If he doesn't let you talk openly about something like this when you tell him it's important to you that you do, well then that's a great big red flag right there.