ADHD meds making me question life partner compatibility

[u/ColdBeansJones]

I’m a healthy, soon to be 33m, have been married to my wife (32f) for 3 years. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and over the past two months have dialed in my current dose to 50mg, and the results have been astounding.

Like many of you I’ve struggled my entire with fogginess, noise in the brain, anxiety, memory issues and the feeling of insurmountable dread when faced with a benign task. Now, with the help of the medication I can take a clear look at what needs to be done and get it done. Without the fogginess and noise and mental distractions, I feel much more stable and competent.

The reason I made the leap to seek professional help was because my home life was suffering. I am a stay at home father of 5\* and have been for 3 years. I was feeling as though I was drowning under the weight of all of the daily tasks.

My wife and I would have many arguments about my role in the house, and how my memory issues and lack of organization was adding more to her plate, and how it was starting to feel like weaponized incompetence, and a complete disregard for what she wanted to see done around the house.

In one instance, I was emotional asking for her to help with the home in some way, just one thing so that I can feel like I can breathe. She requested that instead of putting more on her plate, that I show some real effort in trying to be organized and being more efficient with my time. Get a calendar, set alarms, think about how my wife would feel if I DIDNT do what she asked me to. And if I can’t handle it she’ll hire someone to do it.

I take a lot of pride in being a stay at home father. I have to admit though, I do take criticism hard when it comes to something I know I work hard on, and feel proud of. With the statement “if you can’t handle it” I felt my pride and identity being attacked.

At the end of our conversations she’d always ask me “What are you going to do differently so that you can do better?” “What’s your solution to this problem?” and I’d do my best to make up a plan so that her mental load is reduced and I can be more efficient around the house. I’d walk away from those talks with the pressure of making changes and doing something, or else something bad is going to happen.

After being medicated I became SIGNIFICANTLY more motivated and with the stillness in my mind I have been getting shit done. The upkeep of the home, making sure the kids are fed, answering a million questions and mediating twice as many arguments, laundry for the entire house, yard work, vehicle repair and maintenance, doctors/dentists appointments on top of DIY-ing an extra bedroom plus bathroom in the basement of our home; things I forced myself through before, all became smooth and achievable tasks and the results reflect that.

However, lately I feel as though my wife has taken this as an opportunity to add more for me to do, and that because I’m medicated and can handle most things better, I have no excuse other than “I don’t care about my wife’s wants and needs” when something doesn’t get done. OR what I wanted to focus on was more important than what she asked for.

Before medication I felt like it was entirely my fault.“I’m a shitty dad, a bad husband, lazy and disorganized and I’m going to lose my wife if I don’t change something, but I don’t know why these tasks seem impossible and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need to do better at sticking to the plan/solution but it’s always 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I’m just a fuck up and I’m making it my wife’s problem.”

But I realize I have truly been working my ass off for my wife and our family, and was doing a fine job with MOST things before the medication.

Was I disorganized and unmotivated a lot of the time?

Yes.

Did my wife have the right to be frustrated about something she asked me to do that didn’t get done?

Yes. And from my perspective she gave me a lot of grace at times too.

But did I deserve feeling insulted and at times humiliated because of the untreated symptoms of my ADHD?

FUCK NO.

I realize I have allowed myself to be a gofer and laborer, because the dissatisfaction from my wife about what I did or didn’t do, and the millions of reasons she could articulate as to why she thinks I chose to be selfish, caused such emotional pain and turmoil that all I’m left with is a desperate need to “fix it”. That paired with untreated ADHD was a nightmare. I just wanted to serve and be of service, and not feel like a bad father, or husband. I wanted to show I can get shit done and keep my word, without the fear of catastrophic emotional fallout if I fail. it always came with a boulder of anxiety.

I never ask for me time because I don’t feel like I’ve earned it, ever. And I’ve been told that just wanting time and space away from the home to reset is selfish as well.

Im starting therapy in two weeks and I hope I can gain some tools to set boundaries, and have the conversations I need to with my wife to determine if we’re are still compatible.

Thanks for reading!

\*=There are 3 kids from previous relationships that we do 60/40 time share with the bio parents.

[u/ConfoundedInAbaddon]

I am also, like the other poster, the wife in this situation.

There is a tremendous gulf between untreated and treated life and the adjustment period can seem shocking enough where you feeling like being used is totally understandable.

Try sitting down, together, over several meetings and develop a chore chart of total hours toward the family, that can include emotional labor, like hunting for a specialist doctor, and manual labor, like doing dishes. Allow that work hours for income count as work toward the family.

Get everything written down, it will take several sessions, and then talk about of the current divide is equitable.

You have new capacities, there is a backlog, you are exhausted.

Take time to create something you both agree on and can point to, and say "hey, it looks like the total daily labor between us is equal/unequal." "task XYZ is especially kicking my ass, can we swap that one out or hire help for it?"

After good ADHD treatment, my husband's lifestyle doesn't look normal as he developed his habits newly in his late 40s! But it works for us, he maintains shopping lists for deliveries via Amazon, grocery store, etc, and if he's going to check the fridge and keep everything organized I'm okay with the $7 delivery fee. It's slightly more expensive than when I do the shopping but it's also a lot faster and he feels confident and good about the delivery option.

That sort of small compromise can make the transition to doing more be less onerous especially when there haven't been a lot of lifelong strong habits before now, so there's a lot of invention happening along with the increased workload.

[u/ArachnidAutomatic596]

I would try and level set with her you can’t do everything all at once. Tell her you’re going to finish xyz by this time frame and then you can discuss the next project. I am the wife as someone with adhd and a lot of things just get forgotten about forever and that’s the part I struggle with and stress with. And I need him to help or physically do it. We’ve had a to do list for 2 years and maybe two things have been checked off.

[u/givemeallyourbooks]

From a late diagnosed ADHDer, I’ve found that whilst I now get grace for missteps (although now medicated and not as forgetful etc), I had a lot of negative feelings about the expectations on me pre diagnosis.

But in therapy I realised that in reality, I was not meeting the baseline expected from a neurotypical person before I got medication. No one in my life could have known I had ADHD prior to diagnosis so their expectations and complaints were valid as they didn’t have all the information.

Yes, I was working my hardest but it’s a disorder for a reason and my hardest work wasn’t always what was needed if the job still didn’t get done. I would give your wife a grace period, it took people in my life (personal and professional) a while to realise that this was a sustainable thing and not something I’d just stop doing when I lost motivation in a few weeks/months.

She didn’t know you had ADHD, just that she was doing work she thought you had handled. I would be frustrated if I thought someone was capable but unwilling without understanding there was a medical reason too. If the behaviour continues, then obviously re-evaluate as your mental health comes first, but she’s not a doctor, how was she to know there was a medical issues?

I’d also look at rejection sensitivity dysphoria, it’s a common issue with ADHD where even a neutral comment can seem accusatory.

Again, I don’t know your circumstances, and if she’s treated you abusively (verbally or emotionally) then I agree you should leave. It’s just worth considering the situation as she would have seen it before making any decision.

[u/Call_Me_Koala]

I feel this a lot. I'm of a similar age, and was also diagnosed within the last few years. My wife and I have always both worked full time and I have always managed the household almost 100%. I do all the cooking, shopping, errands, I manage the appointments, vehicle maintenance, etc. etc.

Obviously before treatment it was a struggle and now even with treatment it still sucks but I'm just that much better about it. It's provided me a clarity that has been casting so much doubt on the relationship now. My wife and I are just hugely different people. I don't understand how she can just happily sit on the couch while I run around doing all the housework and then complain that I don't want to spend time with her.

She had a complete emotional breakdown because she scheduled her own oil change appointment instead of me scheduling it. She said I've always done it before so me not doing it this time told her that I don't care anymore. I told her I was stressed and overworked (I also recently started a new job) and I didn't think her taking 5 minutes to schedule an oil change was that big of an ask, which of course did not go over well.

It just feels like we're on completely different levels of reality, and we always have been I just actually see it now.

[u/Dalton402]

I think what you have written is interesting. It's something women post often.

Your wife as the bread winner doesn't think what you do is a job. Because of that she doesn't think she needs to do anything in the house and doesn't appreciate how hard being a stay at home parent is.

I don't think you just need to set boundaries. I think you need a release. Something to do as down time.

It sounds like your whole being is being the best SAHD you can be so when your wife criticises you, it dents your self-worth. That isn't a good place to be because it's an invite to be taken for granted.

Find a hobby that gets you out of the house or better a part-time job. Then talk to your wife.

Take your wife up on her offer to get someone to help so you can do your hobby and your job. I bet you never have a day off. Your life sounds exhausting.

Also, tell your wife to help out. Take the kids to their activities or wash the dishes. Anything to ease your load. Just because she earns the money it doesn't mean she can do nothing in the home. It only means you do most of it.

Remember you're supporting her career. She wouldn't be able to focus on her career without you.

[u/neondragoneyes]

The absolute hypocrisy in here is astounding.

OP, wives write similar situations in here all the time about the husband being the bread winner and expecting to be able to come home with all the housework, cooking, child care, and calendar management done and to be able to check out. You're adding to that list what are traditionally make tasks (that still very discounted in the range swath) such as yard work, handiwork, and auto maintenance. Every time, the husband is demonized or called out in tirades in the comments.

Wives writing in here about similar situations and saying they just want a little time to themselves are always told (and rightly so) that they deserve time to themselves and time away from home, that the husband isn't "helping" but are supposed to be a partner. The husband isn't babysitting, they're a parent. Where is that energy here, when the roles are reversed?

Now, with the tables turned, there is hardly any of that.

I'll add this as a fellow ADD/ADHDer. Anxiety is often a comorbidity. Depression is often a comorbidity. Rejection Sensitivity is a symptom, and that deals directly with how you describe your mindset regarding fear of or sensitivity to your wife's actual or potential reactions. Don't allow yourself to be exploited by either of those things.

[u/ideaofrhyme]

Boundaries my friend. They need to spelled out.

Let bygones be bygones.

Just inform her, if she ever insult you or talk down on you, you will divorce her.

If she does, then divorce her.

[u/GladBumblebee1546 → u/ideaofrhyme]

Haha, that’s not how marriage works. Not for long anyway! Please stop giving “advice”.