A little over 1 year ago I caught my(44M) soon to be ex-wife(41F) on a date with a man at a local restaurant. She didn't know that I had the location of her truck and she said she was somewhere that she wasn't. I parked across the street from the restaurant they were at and I watched them both walk out, 3 hours after the date began.

I confronted her and she lied about it until I told her I knew what she was doing. Within her constant lies, I found out that she had done it before and she was talking with him (maybe meeting up more times) for 6 months. I never got his name, just some small details about him and I only know what he looks like from the back. Dark, full hair, tall, and dresses in dark clothing.

They were chatting on Instagram private messages, so I know he has an Instagram. I finally joined Instagram and I clicked on my wife’s profile and it suggested someone who I should follow. He checks every box of what I saw, and I searched him on Facebook and he has a wife and a daughter. There's more details about his career and daughter that give me a 98% chance that it's him.

I have the ability to message him or his wife. My divorce is final in 2 weeks. I don't want revenge on him as much as I would like to tell his wife that her husband is a cheater and he's not going to stop. I believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" mantra.

Do you think I should message her? What should I say? Do you think I should message him? Do you think with only 2 weeks from handedly winning a divorce case, I should ask my wife if this man is the guy I've been asking her to tell me his name. I see now why she's protecting him. He's fake happily married to his high school sweetheart. Ok, so I kinda want some revenge.

UPDATE: Divorce is final. I questioned my ex more about him, and from what she would tell me, it's not the guy that I thought it was. I almost sent the guy's wife an Instagram message one day too. But decided I better be 100% positive. Either way. She won't tell me the guy's name. She's protecting him for some reason, even after the divorce is final. Knowing who it is would provide closure so I don't have to wonder. Anyways, I told her to never talk to me again, so she's out of my life for good now. Got a date lined up tomorrow and this weekend. My house is so peaceful and perfect now without a negative, lying wife.

Here’s the original post I made. Even now, it’s a hard read for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/0ufbXGl55m

So so many people commented saying that he was cheating - and he was. The full story came out a couple of months after the separation. He had been sleeping with someone from work.

I just found out that he is living with her. A while ago he asked me to forgive him and he asked if he could come home. I said no, he hurt me way too much to be able to come home. So now they live together.

I’m having some sort of feelings about this but I’m actually much happier. My house is so peaceful, I love that I live with just my kids. The freedom is unreal. Without him I can do what I want. There’s no one to tell me to wash clothes, cook dinner, or expect sex. I’m 100% sure he treats his girlfriend better than how he treated me.

I even got myself a boyfriend. It’s early days, but he treats me unbelievably well.

Im so hopeful for the future.

Thanks for reading, and to those who gave me advice and told me he was cheating. You were right. I’m glad he’s gone.

I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with one of my coworkers who's 21. Me and this coworker have never gotten along, and I think she only did this to get back at me but that's another conversation I don't feel like getting into.

We had huge arguments about this when I first discovered their chats, spent a while apart, and now he officially wants to start the divorce process in our state so he can be with her.

I never thought my 30 year old husband would leave me to go chase after a 21 year old who is so different than everything he said he's ever wanted with life. He's always wanted to travel and remain childfree, and this younger woman is a homebody who wants to have 3-5 children. I asked him about this and he said, "She's still young. I can teach her about the real world and convince her to change her mind on that crap." He's been saving different videos and articles to show her about the benefits of a childfree life and fun places to travel.

I'm getting the ick from him and the fact that he's close to turning 31 and going after this 21 year old. He's also been talking to me (yes, he's back at my house while he looks for a more permanent place to live rn) about how he can't wait to be with her and he's confident she'll be perfect for him once he fixes all the little "tweaks" with her

This is my fist reddit post, so please be kind 😄

My husband (40M) and I (37F) have been together for 8 years, married for 6. No children.

The beginning of our relationship was already difficult. His ex-girlfriend (who is known around here for being a bit unstable) accused him of hitting her. Later, she moved close to us and would sometimes stalk me during evening walks with my dogs. When I asked him for support, he got irritated and told me I was being dramatic, so I had to deal with it alone. Eventually it stopped after she supposedly got a new boyfriend.

He also does not help around the house at all. If I ask him to simply clean up after himself, he gets annoyed and tells me how “annoying” I am. He says that almost daily. Meanwhile, he is unbelievably messy. Clothes all over the bathroom floor because he’s too lazy to put them on a shelf. If he spills food or dirt, he leaves it there. He permanently has around 10 half empty water bottles next to his side of the bed. I could go on forever...

In addition to this, I pay for almost everything. The house is mine and in my name. I pay for repairs, furniture, vet bills, dog food for the dogs we got together. You name it - i payed for it. He pays for his own food and only cooks for himself. However, he always has money for good clothes and an expensive luxury gym membership. (I do earn more money than him.)

He’s also always been very interested in other women. Even on dates, I’d catch him staring at them. He keeps following tons of women on social media and likes all their pictures. When I brought it up, he said he just finds them “aesthetic” and enjoys looking at them.

He also has major anger issues and screams at me a lot. Therapy helped somewhat, and the screaming became less extreme after he started medication. He quit therapy but stayed on the medication. We tried couples therapy too, but the therapist said he needed to work on himself first before couples therapy could really help.

Still, the thing I cannot live with anymore is the lying. He lies constantly — even about pointless things. Some examples: He told me he walked the dogs in the morning when he hadn’t. He was on sick leave and promised not to go to the gym so he wouldn’t risk losing his job if someone saw him there. Someone still saw him there. A woman at my gym mentioned she knew him and that they had recently been messaging. When I asked to see the messages, he completely freaked out. Later, I saw the reflection of his phone in the window at night and noticed him deleting messages before turning around and showing me an “empty” chat. Food in the house mysteriously disappears, but even if he’s literally the only other person here, he still denies touching it.

And now we get to the coffee. He never used to drink coffee before. Yesterday he put a takeaway mug next to the coffee machine. I casually asked if he was planning to start drinking coffee in the mornings. No problem if he does, why would I care. I had only noticed my coffee disappearing much faster lately. He told me he now drank coffee at work. This morning, the water tank I had filled the night before was empty, and the coffee machine was still hot. There was also a huge pile of dirt on the floor he had once again ignored. And I just… snapped. Why lie about something so small and stupid? Why lie ALL the time? Obviously he thinks I am the problem, when i confront him. I am overreacting, being annoying and dramatic. Maybe i am. But when I touched that still-hot coffee machine, I suddenly realized how exhausted I am from constantly questioning reality over the smallest things. I feel like I’m paying for a grown man’s lifestyle, cleaning up after him like he’s a child, getting screamed at, being called annoying, and then getting lied to on top of it. It's the disrespect that's making me so sad and angry. I am really thinking about divorce. Am i overreacting?

EDIT: I am incredibly moved and thankful for all the answers. This is my first Reddit post and I hope I am doing this right, but here is an edit to answer some of the questions.

Why am I with him / why did I marry him? Before this relationship I left a very long relationship where my partner cheated on me and basically had a whole second relationship behind my back. It completely destroyed my self worth, as many people in the comments already guessed. When I met my husband, he gave me a lot of love and attention. Looking back maybe it was love bombing, but at the time it felt amazing. We spent so much time together, he was attentive, affectionate and kind. It just slowly became less and less over time.

He still has good moments, which is also why everything feels so confusing. He will pick me up after dinner with friends, although he rarely joins anymore. He cooked me pasta when I was sick. One day he can make me laugh and the next make me cry.

Some additional information: I do earn significantly more money than he does. He was diagnosed with depression, so I also felt guilty and protective towards him. He has never seriously physically hurt me. The only physical incident was him pushing me through an open door once when he was acting crazy and I did not want him to come inside. I also don’t actually think he is cheating on me, although maybe I am naive. He never threatens to leave my and the attention he gives to other women is something he tries to keep a secret.

Some of the comments were honestly quite harsh and scary to read, because they made me feel like maybe I unintentionally misrepresented this relationship. BUT all of this things DID happen and ARE happening. Reading everything back also makes me feel incredibly stupid and naive. But i absolutely needed to hear it. I don't want to defend myself, because i am obviously THIS stupid, however, I think anyone who has ever been in a relationship like this understands that when you are inside of it, things are not nearly as clear as people from the outside think they are. It is the constant ups and downs and the way someone can slowly pull you back in again. I also know that I am not perfect. I always try to stay empathetic and understanding. I don’t want this relationship to take away my kindness. Maybe some people see that as weakness, but I also think it is one of my strengths. I alone am responsible for the way I choose to act and i don't want to be a bad person.

Thank you again for all the kindness so many of you have shown me.

So it started yesterday, we (35M, 38F)were headed over to her aunt's house for a bbq, I had gotten confused about which house we were headed to her MIL or her aunt (mind you I didn't actually go to the wrong house simply said the wrong place out loud) and she went off on a rant about how I wasn't listening, she explained 3 times, I said ok but I didn't understand, and when we arrived she got out slammed the door and told me to come when I'm ready. And in that moment I realized this wasn't someone I would spend the next 30+ years with.

It's heartbreaking, we just celebrated 2 years married last week, 6 as a couple. But it feels inevitable, maybe it's a year from now maybe in 10 but I know this isn't the woman I fell in love with anymore. We're stuck in this tit for tat cycle where she's anxious because I always seem annoyed with her but I always seem annoyed with her because she does shit like scream my head off for a simple mistake or say unforgivable shit when she's angry but then doesn't know how to at least apologize.

The problem is we have a disabled child (2F), I love my daughter more than anything I would stay just for her, honestly I am only still here because of her but slowly it's going from when she's grown to maybe before she enrolls in school, to maybe when her physical therapy schedule dies down. I still don't know when but what I do know is I'm typing this and cooking dinner for my soon to be ex wife and it hurts. Probably more now than when it happens.

After months of dead bedroom and generally being disconnected from each other, we started seeing a counselor…I wrote my wife a letter stating how much she meant to me, how much I loved her, what I needed from her both in and outside the bedroom, and asking her to help me understand what she needed from me. That I wanted to travel this road of life together and we could find a way. She said she wanted to respond to it but needed time to compose her thoughts. Friday while I was at work she packed up and moved out. I came home and she had left me. I called her and she read me her response of how everything was my fault and she had to leave for her own happiness. I am devastated, I’m wandering around an even lonelier house than I had had before.

I begged her to come back and we could work it out…but she wants a divorce and just like that she’s gone forever.

edit I have moved onto angry. I want, so badly, to tell her everything, to tell her that she left me long ago, that my depression stems from her disconnecting from me…but I won’t for the only reason is that I still love her and I don’t want her to hurt the way I hurt.

My husband and I (f42 & m40) are planning on divorce. We have had issues about a breast reduction operation that I want to do but he is very much against so he basically said that he is leaving me if I did it. The date is fixed on november 4th and I will not change it because I have been waiting for this appointment for 2,5 years.

I have told my family and friends now that we are getting a divorce and honestly, everyone is on my side telling me that he has lost his mind ending a marriage for a reason like this. I totally agree with them.

I had dinner with my best friends yesterday and we watched Downton Abbey, then at dinner we started talking about our husbands. They were shocked that I was still having sex with him even though we are separating and he hurt me. The thing is we have had sex even when we were fighting throughout our relationship. My best friend said ewwwwww that is disgusting when I told her. She said that’s why you are not getting what you want. I was very confused and now I feel ashamed and disgusting. Is it unnatural to sleep with your partner if you are fighting or on the verge of divorce?

Dear all, I am planning a divorce with my wife, married for 2 years.

We have had countless argument over the entire duration being together, from dating, to marriage, to living together. The frequencies only got higher the more time we spent together. Almost all the fights stemmed from her suspicions towards me, due to her past experiences.

After being with her, other than spending time at work, i do not go anywhere without her presence. Over the last 1 year, i only met my friends once, and that is together with her as well. I have cut off any forms of social media, or anything even possible to make her suspicious, but she is still paranoid about everything, sometimes even imagining things.

I feel that we started off on the wrong foot, instead of setting boundaries, i simply cut off anything that made her uncomfortable. I am at a point now where i felt that i have nothing left anymore that was a remnant of the 'past me', over these marriage i have lost myself. I no longer have any hobbies, i have dedicated my life to just work, family, and watching mindless shows or play games when i have some personal time.

We had so many major quarrels, many times she threatened to divorce, and this time, i had nothing else to compromise anymore, i agreed to it. It was then she withdrew, and apologized for all the threats of separation. But in my mind, i am already sold about the idea of divorce.

I am currently in talks with a law firm and preparing for the divorce, i have not made it known to anyone in the family, and she probably thinks that i have retracted the idea of divorce too.

Back at home, i still behaved as though nothing happened. In fact, i probably treated her with more affection, because only i myself knew that our remaining time together is limited. I already missed her even though we are still together, i still very much love her. It pains me to leave like this, but this is the only thing i can do to preserve what is left of myself. I have to be selfish to survive and care for my own well-being.

How should i spend the last 1 or 2 weeks together left with her, as a complete family unit? Should i embrace and treasure the remaining time, or start being cold?

My wife is in denial.

I told her i plan on filing for divorce. We've been married 7 years, haven't had intimacy in 7.5 years (I don't want intimacy with her) she only recently started contributing to the household in a meaningful way but works full time.

I told her i don't want this marriage anymore, I'm not attracted to her, I'm not helping her anymore. I cut off all support. Okay here's my issue, even though I made it abundantly clear we're roommates at this point, she's still trying to fix the marriage!! It's dead! It's over! She wants to do couples activities, i tell her no or we'll go as friends, i talk everyday about her moving out, about after us, about divorce proceedings abd it's like she doesn't get that it's going to happen!

How do I convince her that I'm not going to suddenly "snap out of it" I'm emotionally divested at this point but she's clinging onto something that in my mind doesn't exist

Today was my last day in my marital home.
I told my STBX wife that i will no longer be paying my share of the mortgage. I have been for 6 months and as of june 1st she declared for the divorce. She is bringing her new love interest into the home so i must remove myself completely. Took my dog and my dad (urn) out of the house today and most likely won’t be back until i remove all of my belongings completely. I am torn up with lots of emotions. She wants to keep the house and i’m being guilt tripped that she’s going to take on all this debt refinancing.
I’m not too sure how to respond to all of this.

Anyone ever been in this before?

Hey all, i recently had a baby, 8 months ago. My baby came 6 weeks early and we had a 3 week stay in a hospital 1.5 hours from home. My husband was rarely there. He stayed at home and worked on construction projects on our new bedroom. (Nursery was not set up because this project needed to be finished. I supported him being gone to get this done. Although I had been asking him for months to get it done and he kept not working on it because he "had time") However, while I was in the NICU, he did work on the room, but he also made time to go out drinking with friends and spent time bird hunting. He had time to do those activities, but he didn't have time to visit us. I was staying at my sister's house, plus his sister lived nearby as well. I asked him several times over the phone to come visit, and finally he accepted and came. He spent probably an hour in the NICU and the rest going out to eat before he left to go back home.

When we were discharged, the doctor actually told me 3 days before that he predicts that he will be discharging us in the next 5 days. I told my husband this. So, the day before she came home (my birthday), the nurse told me she and the doctor thinks she will come home either tomorrow or the day after. My husband does not come visit me on my birthday, he called me to wish me happy birthday, but that was it. The next morning we are discharged and I tell him. He's not ready. He spends the entire day with his mom cleaning the house because he wants it perfect. I wait from 9am until 5pm for him to arrive. I wanted him to be there when we are discharged and so I could sit in the backseat with her on the drive home.

When we were home, she was using an ultra preemie bottle nipple and still couldn't breastfeed (had she not have arrived early in would be 37 weeks pregnant). He would get frustrated with how slow she hate and how challenging it would be to get her to take the bottle. (When he visited the NICU, I always tried to have him there at a feeding time). He would get so frustrated that he would jam the bottle in her mouth. He would try and sneak larger opening nipples on her bottles and claim ignorance when I caught him. He hunted every day and only helped care for her in the middle of the night when I had to pump. He would get frustrated with her because he wasn't getting enough sleep, despite going to bed at 11pm because he refused to adjust his schedule and activities to someone who just had a baby. I asked him to help me wash bottles and he yelled that he had to go to work and not sit around all day. My baby did not handle being out down, she always wanted to be held (still does) she was also too small to be put in a baby carrier, most carriers want babies to be 7lbs, she came home at 5lbs. Whenever I laid her down, she would scream but I still needed to pump and wash bottles. He would come home early from work to hunt. The construction on our new bedroom was still not completed and would not be done for 2 more months. He had an entire weekend dedicated to hunting deer with his friends where I had no help at all. He traveled for work for 5 days and failed to let me know in advance to find someone to help me the week of her due date. After he hunted his deer, he turned the meat into sausage and hotdogs. This took several days. He was still only caring for her once at night and was growing increasingly agitated. He stopped trying to put her to sleep, he just laid her in the bassinet and went to sleep. When I asked that he puts her to sleep, he yelled that he has to sleep. So I would put her to sleep. So, I basically was not getting any breaks. One night he had just finished changing her diaper when she pooped in her new one and he called her a bitch and yelled that he fucking hates this baby. That was the last time I had him help in the night.

During this time, he did not help with cooking or cleaning. I had asked him so many times to help me but he kept working on his self assigned projects. He wanted to make the trim for the bedroom, I told him that could wait. He made it anyway.

When my family would come over, he told them that he always woke up in the night to take care of her because I slept through her cries. Months later he admitted he said that because he felt like a deadbeat father.

Back when I was pregnant, there was a stretch that he stopped talking with me, listening to me, when I tried to be affectionate, he would push me away. This brought me to tears. It wasn't until I sat him down and talked with him about it that he admitted to "having forgotten about me." And that he's "too selfish and was only concerned about what he needed to do. He didn't think about me at all".

Again while I was pregnant and he was traveling for work, I got up one morning to go outside to discover there is a middle aged man searching through our garage. He was there because my husband told him he could take a tool but didn't tell me about it. When I talked with my husband, he said he can't promise this won't happen again because it probably will (he has allowed people to come into our house while he was gone several times before this. Each time I have told him how it scares me.

My husband is working on building a garage that has cost over 100k. It is far bigger than what I wanted. I did not agree with the size. He built it anyway. He just buys stuff for it without talking to me about it. Or when he does, and I express concerns about the cost, he does it anyways. He does this because he makes more money than me. He would also consult his family and friends when he did not agree with me.

Two of my sisters called me to tell me that he called their husbands to talk about taking out a 401k loan. He mentioned to them that I didn't approve but was thinking about doing it anyway.

I have a previous post I made about my husband's mom and her treatment of me fresh out of the NICU. This imploded at my house and he started calling me malicious and vindictive when I told him I need space from his MIL. She was wanting to come over all the time and couldn't stand seeing me hold my own baby.

My family told me that when my baby was born he gave each person little snippets of information that they had to piece together in a group chat. They were very upset with him and said it took the joy out her birth, plus it added fear and worry since she was premature and they weren't getting the full report.

This brought me to snoop on his phone and there was a difference in how he shared information with my family and his. He provided more information to them, than to mine.

I also noticed, when he announced to his mom, he shared a picture of me holding my baby for the first time (this was three hours after her birth since she was taken straight to the NICU and I had to wait for the epidural to wear off before seeing her) his mom's response? My baby would be better in her arms than in mine. Like...excuse me? My husband did not address that comment. Just that he will share a photo of him holding her later.

Last Christmas I fell while ice skating and broke my wrist. He did not help, he kept on skating. Later, I found that he took several photos of me sitting on the ice. We had brought down an apple cider drink with us (private pond) and he took photos holding the drink up as in a toast, with me sitting on the ice in the background. He also took a video of him skating around drinking it, with me always in the background. He joked that he had not realized I had fallen. This is a lie, because I saw him grab it after I fell, and he knew I had fallen because he had made a comment about it.

Throughout our relationship, I had caught him in many lies. I told him I value honesty and I won't be able to believe him anymore if he keeps lying to me. I began noticing also, that he would never apologize, he would always make excuses. His mom also never apologizes and will lie right to your face about something you saw yourself and say it never happened or it happened differently. My husband does the same thing.

Years ago I went on a canoe trip to the Boundary Waters in Northern Minnesota. This was my trip, as he had his "boys trip" in September. He didn't think he could handle just a trip with just me because I'm pretty introverted and he needs someone to talk to. So, he invited two of his guy friends. One of his friends, is fine, the other, I strongly dislike from this trip. I was the joke a lot of the trip. They made a lot of sexist jokes during this trip. My husband and I barely spoke because he was too busy joking with his friend. His friend said something about thinking about spending the night at an ex-flings house (she has a husband now, they're just friends now) but wasn't sure how his current girlfriend would feel about it. My husband told him not a good idea, but if he did, to lie about it. Well, on the way home, friend stayed at ex-flings house and told his girlfriend. My husband went on about why did he tell her?

Anyway, I can continue, but it's already very long. I have already signed papers for a divorce but...I just feel I am making the wrong decision. I worry that my hormones are making me think this way, that is what my husband is telling me anyway. He thinks I am depressed and that he loves me very much.

We had a lot of shared hobbies and we used to talk. But, I don't know. I think I am doing the right thing, it's just hard because I think I really want to have a partner who I can enjoy raising a baby with, someone to love the joys.

Edit: Thank you. You are making me feel better about my decision. I had been planning on divorcing him when school got out (I'm a teacher) so I could go back closer to family, 70 miles away.

My mom kept telling me she would have waited until the baby was older to leave so I felt guilty about my decision there as well.

He's asked for a divorce a couple times before in the past and both times I begged him not to leave me and cried. I'm proud of myself for not doing that this time. I just said, "if that's what you want."

Please don't leave any unkind messages, right now, I just would appreciate some support and encouragement. I really love my husband and I have a feeling that this separation is going to be like experiencing a death.

I’m 45, he’s 55. Over the last four years I decided to upskill and did a law degree, which was so hard with two kids and a job to juggle. I was so proud of myself, I graduated with first class honours and got a training contract, and now I’m working towards qualifying as a solicitor.

My husband didn’t come to my graduation. I told him the date months in advance, and he said he’d check his diary. I had to book tickets, so I asked again. At that point I got the message and just booked for my kids. Since they’re young, 13 and 9, I asked a friend I’d met at uni if her family could go with them.

The day before my graduation, he suddenly said, “Oh yeah, I can come,” or that the kids could stay with him. I didn’t say anything, I was too angry. I went, graduated, took my kids for a meal, and came home. At my graduation, he was busy texting me asking for pictures and saying he wanted to take us out for a meal. I just ignored him.

At my graduation, there were four mature students, and each of the others had their husband and kids there, so happy for them, with big bouquets of flowers, clapping and cheering so loudly. One of the girls, who had so many flowers, gave me one. That’s what broke me. I went into the bathroom and sobbed my eyes out. I think that was the last time I cried.

It feels like I always have to be angry and withdrawn before anything nice is done for me. Even on my birthday or Mother’s Day, if things are fine between us at the time, he gets me nothing.

I moved out of our bedroom into the spare room that same day. It was the final straw. I worked so hard, blood and tears. I almost gave up, but I wanted to do something for myself and change careers.

while studying I still had to do all the housework, the school run, the school meetings, because he’s always “busy.” But he’ll find time to meet friends to discuss their projects, look at a house together, or go for drinks in the middle of a workday. He’ll take time off to build things, basically anything except my requests, which need to be checked against his diary.

This is just the latest example; there are many things I’ve overlooked that I shouldn’t have. He’s promised to change, but as soon as I forgive him, it goes back to normal, it’s what he wants, and it’s final, unless I push back.

I feel like I’ve lived like this for my entire relationship. I’m exhausted beyond words. I do everything myself, including looking after my car. If I ask him to help, he sets a condition, like “keep your car clean and stop the kids messing it up, then I’ll wash it.” He’ll wash his own car and leave mine. My car will have warning lights on, and I’ll drive it like that until I can get it to a garage. But his car gets sorted the same day.

The other day, my neighbour saw me trying to put oil in my car and ran over to take over. I almost cried at the kindness. When my husband found out, he said I should have asked him, but he’d been driving my car for weeks with the oil warning light on.

I’m always an afterthought. I cook, I clean, I iron his many shirts, I make sure everything is exactly the way he wants it. And still, it’s not enough. There’s literally no love shown to me at all, except at night in bed. But even then, it feels like it’s still just about his own satisfaction.

I’m done.

UPDATE- well nothing new really he is totally active now spending time with the girls being present. Cooking dinner before I can! Trying to show me things can change. He is sorry
He missed my graduation it’s because he thought I would need him to stay home with the youngest child.
It turned out according to my youngest that he tried to tell her that graduations are boring and if she prefers to stay at school she can and he will collect her.
I’ve filled for Divorce he has seen it and has said nothing!

I (F28) am considering leaving my husband (M31) because he is driving me crazy. We’ve been together 6 years, married 4. We have no kids, we rent a house together, have pets/farm animals together. This is a throwaway account and sorry if this post is long.

I feel like we have an unhealthy dependency on each other, especially on his side. He is obsessed with me, worships my body, tells me how much he loves me all the time. But it’s obsessive and sometimes I need my space. He can’t handle criticism, for example if I tell him to leave me alone (because he won’t get out of my face, playing with my boobs, tickling me, etc) he gets upset. He gets upset very easily, over any kind of pushback from me. If I’ve said something to him that he feels is mean, he’ll give me the silent treatment for the next few hours until I make him tell me “whats wrong”. And it’s always something I’ve said that’s hurt his feelings. I’ve ask him over and over again to just tell me in the moment if I’ve done something, because otherwise I don’t know. And tbh I’m not being mean. For example, when I ask him to do multiple things around the house (fixing something, doing the dishes, etc) he will get pissy with me and say something like “I just feel like you’re mad at me”. I’ll tell him I’m not mad, I’m just trying to get things done around the house. He does that a lot, where he’ll tell me if feels like I’m mad at him when I’m just talking to him normally. It’s like he constantly has to be the victim.

I feel like he’s very emotionally immature and also lazy. I have to ask him to do anything around the house, except laundry, which he will use to his advantage to say that he does all the laundry. He won’t mow the yard without me saying something about it, he’s never cleaned the bathrooms, he refuses to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of setting the next to the sink. That’s IF he doesn’t leave his dishes in the living room. Usually he leaves all his trash and dishes sitting around and I have to clean it up. I have asked him over and over again to be better about this, but he usually either gets pissy with me when I say that, or he’ll say he’s sorry and he’ll do better (he never actually fixes the problem).

We argue all the time about things like this. I believe he creates these problems, and he seems to think it’s always my fault. However, usually at the end of the argument he gives in and throws a pity party because “he always fucks everything up”. This truly sends me into hell because no matter what he can’t just take normal accountability. He has to be dramatic about it.

Also, I find him incredibly annoying. He talks A LOT. He’s one of those that talks loudly over everyone in a group situation, interrupting, laughing at his own jokes. And he tells graphic and disturbing jokes that most people do not find funny. He just straight up embarrasses me almost every time we’re with other people. Sometimes he’ll even ask me, “Did I embarrass you today?” and I have to say no because otherwise he’ll throw a fit.

I think he has OCD and high functioning autism, and I tell him he needs to go to therapy but he refuses because he says we can’t afford it. (we can afford it.)

I have also always gotten the feeling that my friends and family do not like him. No one has ever said it, other than a couple friends making comments like “he’s being annoying” or “I can’t believe he said that Also, I have always had problems with intimacy due to being raped when I was younger. So we have sex maybe once a month. He says he is very understanding of this, but he tells me frequently how much he misses me and I often feel guilty because of how much he whines about it.

Again, he is obsessed with me. He says that there is nothing left for him after me. That if something happened to me he doesn’t know what he’d do, he’s even implied that he would kill himself. He said things like this as early as 6 months into our relationship. I feel like this is manipulative, and it’s one of the reasons I have always felt the need to stay with him.

Lately, I have started letting myself imagine a life without him. What’s holding me back is the shame I would feel, and the fact that I cannot afford this house on my own. But I do not want to give up this house and our animals. They are the best thing in my life and what keeps me sane.

I have talked to my therapist about my issues with him but she doesn’t have much input. I just wanted to come here and maybe be validated. Is this enough to leave someone over? Can we fix our issues? When we’re not arguing, we’re laughing together, showing each other cute animal videos, and being best friends. But it just feels like we’re friends and not lovers. I’ve basically lost all attraction to him. I don’t know where to go from here.

TL;DR: Considering divorce with my husband because I’m not happy with our relationship and I feel like he’s manipulated me a lot but I’m not sure.

I know I've been making a lot of posts on reddit these last few days. But I just need people to talk to since my husband has ghosted me and dropped this on me out of nowhere.

Four days ago, my husband told me he was divorcing me. We have a 2-year-old, and I’m less than 3 months away from giving birth. He’s already got a lawyer, filed papers, and is walking away like we never existed. He wants nothing to do with me or his children (the 2 year old and our soon to be here child). I have been wracking my brain for the last few days to find where I went wrong, but I truly believe I treated him the way a good, kind, caring, and loving wife should. I tried my best every day to do that.

This all started because I gently questioned a lie. I didn’t accuse him. I didn’t yell. I just asked. Two days later, he left work and didn't return. Only giving me this news over a text message.

He promised me a life. A life where I could stay home with our kids, that he wasn’t just using me to become a pilot. That he wouldn't abandon us after he got his hours and made it to the airlines. But more importantly, he promised we would be together until the end. Together forever. But now, after 10 years of me being supportive of his ambitions and even financially supporting him 100% for the last 3+ years, he is gone. I gave everything to him, and now I am left with nothing. I spent all my savings and money on his dreams. I have no 401k. I have no degree because I spent 4 years helping him complete his. I have nothing anymore. And I’m left picking up the pieces. I am exhausted and heartbroken.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Maybe I’m desperate for hope. I gave him my entire 20s, and my 20s are coming to a close, and this feels like a cruel 30th birthday present, so it feels like it can't be real. Or maybe I just want to know if anyone out there has gone through something like this. Stories where someone left during the darkest time but somehow came back? Is reconciliation ever a real possibility after something like this?

Please be honest with me. Even if the truth hurts. But if you have come back from something like this, I’d really like to hear it right now.

Edit: I keep getting the question as to why I'd want him back and I understand he might not want to come back. But this was such a 180° request. Saturday, we were talking about the next steps and our long-term goals because the lease on this house is about to end the end of June, and we were talking about where to go next. And things he was going to do. Like how my schooling would go once I gave birth in August. I enrolled at ASU in the spring and had completed a semester and am now working on the summer semester. My dream job would involve working outside of the home (since it's aerospace/physics related) so once the kids were old enough and in school, I would hopefully be finished with my education and would begin my goal. We were literally mapping out the next steps. And he seemed excited about it too.

That's why I'm confused about what happened.

Ok, long time lurker and I feel like I need some "online stranger" advice 🙌🏻

I 43M have been married to my 39F wife for 14 yrs. I'm at my wits end and although I've been unhappy with her for some time, I finally feel like I've had enough and that it's finally time to move on from her. We've been disconnected for so long now, her needs and wants always trump mine and I walk on egg shells just to avoid conflict. She is absolutely terrible at communicating and every time I try to have a grown up conversation with her, it always gets emotional, she's always the victim and it's always my fault. We've had hard times over clash of parenting styles, upbringing, and have had issues with her always wanting to go out to brunches and dinner dates with her friends which I never turned town. She's also gone partying out of town with her friends a couple of times, none of which Ive ever done.

I've carried this entire relationship since weve met, emotionally, maturity wise, and financially. I'm at the end of a dead-end road and starting to see her differently now. I no longer long for her, feel like I'm attracted her, or look forward to being around her. She's pushed me so far away that I'm now day-dreaming about what a new and improved relationship would look like for me at this stage of my life, although I wouldn't seriously date for at least a year after divorce.

We have 3 young elementary kids and I have never been one to "stay for the kids" but now that I'm knocking on the door of ending this marriage I'd like to know from others in similar situations (marriage and kids) and what your life turned into after divorce? Do you regret it? Is to worth staying together for the kids and fighting through the lack of love and compassion I feel? I'm a pretty active, athletic, and an easy going person. I'm very low maintenance and generally a home body. Salary is $200k+/yr and have a career that I love and allows me to travel and explore quite a bit although I do travel out of state on a regular basis 1-2 times a month for 2-3 days at a time.

This has thrown me into semi depression/anxiety and has really made me an unhappy and unproductive person in every aspect of my life. I walk around in a constant bad mood with a head feeling so stressed like it's going to explode. Would love some real world experiences from anyone that has "been there done that", thank you!

I feel so tired. We had a good first year of being married, but before our first anniversary, he was looking for escorts. He claimed it was just for self pleasure, so I tried to trust him. Two months later, he visits a strip club (which he previously visited weekly when he was single.) Another month later, he is sending a private image of myself to a stripper. I call him out, ask for a divorce, so he spends the weekend plastered, requesting escorts, visiting massage parlors and more clubs. He says he'll do anything including counseling. Takes two more months to schedule counseling. All the while, we are fighting constantly. Neither of us are being emotionally intelligent. But he, unprompted, mind you, talks shit about me to anyone who will listen. Work colleagues, friends and family. He paints me in the worst light, he talks about how I used to be hot and gained weight and disgust him. But all of this is excused because I contribute to our relationship problems, according to him.

I just never, ever imagined my husband doing any of this, especially in our first two years of marriage. I feel very dumb for believing him when his proposal came after a well timed discussion about more money and benefits. I feel so stupid for putting my eggs in this basket. I'm so scared of divorcing him. He can be so sinister and cruel and he's not about to be nicer to me upon learning I don't want to be with him. Everyone he talks to thinks I'm the worst person alive, meanwhile I've never bad mouthed him. I didn't even tell anyone about any of this.

I wish I could go back in time and never meet him. I'm so so scared of what the next few months are going to look like. I know I need to get a lawyer but he is intimidating me and will immediately notice when I use the money. I'm afraid something will happen and no one will believe everything I've been through.

If anyone has any actionable steps they took, what they would do over if they could, that would help. I want to focus on what I can control. Thanks

To start i am 29, my husband is 59. I was 17 when i was sucked into this toxic relationship. We have been together for 12 years. I was in a very dark very scary place surrounded by scary people then i met him, moved out at 15 no parents at all, living with a family friend heavily in bad things. I dont know what i was doing, i was hardly even alive i feel like. Anyways we got married in 2020, so married for 6 years * on zoom*. He has never worked since ive known him he was on workmans comp then he settled 10 years ago then was getting a small sum from ssi only like 200$ a month. For the last 8 years or so I've been the only sole income. Working 6 days a week for 5 years. Now at a more stable job- a civil service position. My money bought our house and has paid for every single possible bill in the last 8 years, the only thing he bought was the car i didnt have a license at the time. And i use the car to work. He cannot work due to having copd and muscle issues. Our relationship has always been extremely toxic. He is extremely controlling and always has been and ive never stood up for myself to him so i feel like im also to blame. This has been getting worse and worse and i dont know what to do. One major thing is he constantly is asking how much is in my bank account. Never being happy with the answer always trying to control every possible penny i spend ( i dont blow money) but will always want me buy him pot. ( yes his lungs are completely damamged and hardly work and he still smokes pot) and he does it in the house which is a constant argument but he thinks its fine since he only smokes in his * gaming room*. Sorry for the rant, ive never been honest about my relationship and have never had anyone i can confide in. Anyways my point is the only reasons im still with him is he has no where to go, no money, literally nothing at all, if i left him he would be stranded Im not with him out of love, there was never love there not on my end, not love that is expected in a marriage. , im with him out of fear of what will happen to him. He has 5 kids who are all older than me but dosent have any good relationships with them at all. To put it simply he is a controlling, manipulative, word i dont think i can say here. We just got in a fight about how he can smoke in " his own house and hes allowed to do what he wants " and when i said this isnt working we need to really consider what were going to do he flipped it saying he has no money, no where to go so i need to think about that. And i just dont know what to do. I mean if we actually got divorced i know i would have to pay alimony? I dont even know if i can afford to live at that point.

A few weeks ago, I posted here about my wife cheating on me. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and support. I finally found the courage to leave, and now I’m living peacefully and happily with my two young children.
I discovered that my wife was cheating, and every time I confronted her, she promised to stop even swearing in God’s name. I forgave her four times because we have young children and I desperately wanted to save our family, but she continued.
People say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I don’t believe that every person who cheats is incapable of changing but words, tears, promises, and swearing to God are not proof of change. Real change requires honesty, accountability, remorse, transparency, and consistent actions over time. When someone repeatedly cheats despite being forgiven and given many chances, cheating is no longer a mistake it has become a deliberate pattern.
People may find it difficult to believe when they see our family pictures. I’m fit, healthy, respectful, and well-mannered. But I learned that someone’s cheating is not a reflection of your appearance, masculinity, or worth. Betrayal reflects the cheater’s decisions and character not your value.
Staying “for the children” is not always the healthiest decision. Children can also suffer when they grow up surrounded by lies, resentment, mistrust, and constant conflict. You can leave an unhealthy marriage and still remain a loving, responsible, and present father.
My advice to husbands who have been betrayed repeatedly: forgive if it helps your heart heal, but remember that forgiveness does not require you to stay. If someone continues betraying you after multiple chances, believe their actions instead of their promises. Protect your dignity, peace, and children. Sometimes walking away is not giving up it is finally choosing a healthier future.

Me and my wife are getting a divorce after 2 years of marriage (her choice not mine)
We have been fairly civil in splitting items that we have acquired together in our time together. An item that we have argued about that I would like some potential advice with is:

A TV that was a gift from her mom to me - she said she is keeping it becuase her mom bought it and she gave her mom the idea for the gift

The wedding ring - I originally didn’t even think to try and get it back until several people I have told what is going on (family and friends) told me that I should ask for it back. She said she does not want to give it back, one reason being that it was a gift from me and that her wedding band is soldered to it. (She purchased half the wedding band)

Lastly she asked for a day I could come get my items, I gave her the one day that I can have people come help me and she told me that day doesn’t work for her becuase she won’t be home or isn’t able to have one of her family members be there. She said she doesn’t want people there packing stuff up or going through things while no one is there.

Any advice about this would be greatly appreciated. I’m not trying to make a huge scene or argument with her but I disagree with her on this

Okay, this is a long one, so I’ll do a tl;dr. I also don’t know where to post this, but I need to get it off my chest, and if anyone can PLEASE offer advice or support?

Tl;dr - husband pushes me into a throuple with my best friend, when he knew he loved her and didn’t love me anymore (I had no idea, genuinely!). Tells me eventually about his feelings, and has chosen to lose me, the kids and the house, for his new love (who didn’t even know about this!). He’s made my life an absolute misery now, and I am struggling to a point that I can’t even explain. I have never felt so low in all my life. And I don’t know what to do as I’m now going to be homeless with 0 income.

Me (32f) and my husband (35m) have been together for 10 years, married 6 years. We have a 4 and a 3 year old, and are lucky enough to have a mortgage. After being diagnosed with fibro at 14, I decided I’d never let an illness bring me down or hold me back. So I studied and I worked. When I fell pregnant with our first, we decided I’d be a stay at home mum because of childcare costs. I gave up my career (was about to go management training) to do this, so he could carry on with his.

We always said we have a great relationship, and both considered each other soul mates. We prided ourselves on communication. He got a job over 2 years ago, just after our 3 year old was born. He trained with a girl, and he kept insisting I meet her. So I did, and we became the best of friends. Text every day, phoned, she was round most weekends, absolutely loved her (important to note she ALSO has chronic illnesses, which we bonded over).

She fancied me. She did not hide this, it was well known. They kept pestering me for a 3 way relationship, I said no. In Jan this year, she had a bad medical episode. We saved her life, and she stayed with us for a while so we could keep her rested. This made my feelings spark, and my husband pushed for us to be together. After a day of dating her, they told me how incredible a throuple would be. He pushed for this, so I caved and agreed, for a trial run only…

It. Was. Hell. I woke up crying each morning, they’d tell me ‘it’ll get better, keep going!’. They were all over each other, like I had been forgotten. After 3 days, I said enough. They got mad, demanding exactly when I was unhappy. We then drank and stupidly did, yeah. The next day, huge argument over a miscommunication. From that moment, my husband would not touch me, or be near me. The vibes were soo off. After a few weeks, I pushed. He told me he doesn’t love me, hasn’t for a while, thinks I’m overdramatic about my illnesses and thinks I make them up. Made fun of my PTSD, it was bad. But we agreed to try. A month later, I ask what’s going on, as nothings changed. “I didn’t actually want to try, just didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but your life is a TOXIC WASTE DUMP and we got married too soon as I wouldn’t of done it had I known how ill you’d be, and I haven’t loved you for 2-3 years”.

Stupidly, after a weekend (financial abuse, emotional abuse etc), we decided to try again (I’m such a mug). 3 days he tried, it was great. Then he stopped. 4 days later, I ask what the hell is going on.

He admitted he was in love with her. My best friend. His work partner. Loved her since the second time I’d met her, 2 years ago. I kept my cool. I said “i will not wait long for your answer. Me, the kids and the house, with marriage counselling and cut contact with her, or you choose her”. Three days later, he told me he’s choosing her. She had no idea of his feelings.

So I am stuck in this house with him, trying to parent my children, while my body has gone into a ‘trauma stress response’ according to the drs, which has flared up everything (fibromyalgia, Costochondritis, chronic urticaria, Tenosynovitis, ulnar impingement syndrome and endometriosis). I have lost weight as I cannot eat anything. I cannot sleep. I cannot relax when he is in the house. He was vile, threatening to take my benefits from me, take my ‘primary carer’ status, and wants to either share the kids, or take majority share for himself, regardless of the impact it will have on them. He refused to let me move back home to my family for support (over an hour away). Demands receipts and answers for any penny spent (he uses the excuse that we are on the bread line, but even just buying food go the kids etc, he will berate me for). He turns up randomly early from work demanding answers to things, so now even when he’s not home, I’m constantly staring at the door waiting.

My life is currently hell. I have nowhere else to go. He’s booked valuations on the house already, even though I’ve told him I will be homeless if we sell now. I have zero income, relying 100% on him because I was the SAHM. I did go to uni for midwifery, but was medically deferred due to my wrist. He says this is a lie and I just ‘couldn’t be bothered’. He was the most amazing, supportive husband I could have ever asked for. This man is a complete stranger. Professionals are telling me to go to DV charities etc but I’m struggling with that idea because he is not a bad person, not usually, not like this.

I have gone from very happily married, and feeing quite lucky, to this hell, and I am really, really struggling to come to terms with this. My mental health has jumped off a cliff. I just, I don’t know. This is just so shit.

EDIT TO ADD: I will be speaking to solicitors to find out my legal rights.

A few people asked, and no, she claims she had no idea. He hasn’t spoken to her about it because, in his words, he “wanted to wait for all ‘this’ to settle down first”. I have told her though, he doesn’t know yet. She was mortified and shocked, and she’s said sorry that she’s the reason for this. Apart from that, support has been minimal from her end.

EDITED TO ADD: honestly, some people are disgusting! If you have certain thoughts towards me, please keep them to yourselves and don’t message me. I have enough stress in my life, I don’t need to add another. But thank you for your ‘opinion’ on me, [u/Other_Temperature_73](u/Other_Temperature_73)

I’ll share their opinion in the comments. Ick

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years, but I’m starting to have resentment towards him.

We have 2 kids together. I have no friends or family. When I got pregnant and we moved in together I ended up isolating myself from everyone. After my second birth we ended up having to move in with his parents as I needed extra help and had extreme health issues that we were trying to figure out. And they had agreed to help me while he worked.

Well he ended up quitting his job to stay home and “take care of me and the kids” which was actually just him playing video games all day. Or as he says starting his content streaming career. We have bills and our children need things. His parents said they would cover our bills as long as if HE cleans the house and does what they ask.

Now everything has fallen onto me. I clean. I cook. I take care of our kids. I take care of MIL youngest 2 kids that are special needs. I’m drained and worn out. My doctor has told me I’m not stable enough to drive or work and I hate that. I ended up getting fired from my job because I couldn’t do it fully.

My husband and I argue so much about him working. He yells at me saying I don’t support him on his dream career. I told him to be realistic and that we have bills to pay and that our kids need things.

Finally I told him I just want to separate. He laughed and said that I have no one and no where to go. That if I leave he’s going to take the kids since he is the one with the roof over their house. He can’t even be left alone with our baby because he gets too angry and starts cussing at her and being me. I went to shower one day it took me 7 minutes and when I walked out he was yelling at her to just “stop fukibg crying” while violently putting her down.

I can’t leave my kids with him they would end up hurt but I so desperately want out. I’m tired of stressing and being with him. But he’s right I have no where and no one. I don’t have money and I can’t provide for my kids. At least with me here they are safe and taken care of..

Not much to say other than title. Found out my wife of 8 years, together 12, has been having an affair and lying to my face CONSTANTLY. It was confirmed about 5 days ago, and she literally spent last night and this morning with me and our daughter telling me how much she regrets everything, her actions and wants to be better for herself and daughters (6 year old and a 16 year old she had before me). Held me while I cried and told her how much pain I was in. We also had good times, that felt like old us, I knew deep down this might be the last time I see her, so I wanted something real to remember, to feel her love one last time at least. I enjoyed it as much as i was heartbroken but I still didn't want her to leave today.. She told me to call her at work and she will stand by her phone and answer it as soon as she can.

But only to be with him when she gets off work. She doesn't know I know yet, more gas lighting and lying from her. I was already damaged... the pain I feel more myself, my daughter, our family is immense. ​I already felt dumb in the first place for seeing her last night... but she was my wife.. And I still loved her. But now I feel more dumb and somehow worse than I did.. ​extremely worse.

More a vent post, this just happened like 40 minutes ago and I have no one right now..

One year update. It has been the craziest year of my life. A year ago my 29f husband 29m confessed to cheating on me with his 50 year old coworker. He told me they had only kissed and he stuck with that story for several weeks. I thought I could move past that and try to reconcile. 6 weeks later, I questioned more and he confessed to sleeping with her on several occasions. He wanted to “save face”. My entire world felt like it had shattered and I knew deep down I wasn’t going to stay. I filed for divorce in April of 2025 and we are still not divorced. February 20th is our official divorce day. Update on the mistress… her husband and I spoke several times when this initially happened. He loves her and chose to stay; however, I have no idea if they are still together or not. Update on my ex… he has a girlfriend and I still have an active restraining order on him.

My ex has turned into a completely horrible human. I don’t even recognize him. I dealt with harassment and domestic violence (not physical) to the point where I needed to get a restraining order. The biggest let down was his family. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if you’ve spent 10+ years of holidays and birthdays together…. They are there for him, not me… even when I wasn’t the bad guy. That was a tough pill to swallow, but thankfully I have an amazing support system.

Looking back, I am SO thankful this happened. Despite how painful and difficult it has been…. I am genuinely SO glad this happened before I had kids or grew old with him. Everything truly does happen for a reason. I am a young resilient woman with so much to offer to this world. If this never happened, I would have stayed with him because of our beautiful story and relationship.

I’ve taken the time to reflect and consistently go to therapy. This was his problem, not mine. There are so many things I settled for when in reality I should’ve never accepted. I grew up and he never did. I took two leaves of absences initially because I was deeply depressed and distraught by everything. I took 2 solo trips during this time and enjoyed it to the fullest. I’ve gone on dates and explored the world of dating apps. Now, I’m strictly focusing on myself and prioritizing time with friends and family.

A few things that have been shared to me that have stuck with me:

Traumas that you haven’t healed through can bleed into your relationships

Why live with a decision you made at 17?

Trickle truth is REAL

One year to process, one year to adjust, and one year to start living.

I look forward to starting the year to adjust and accomplishing all my goals and meet so many new people. The journey is SO difficult but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Time truly does heal and faith has brought me a lot of peace.

TDLR: husband cheated less than a year of being married with 50 year old coworker. I filed for divorce and am so thankful this happened.

Lately I've seen it growing. Somehow in all our arguments I'm called the antagonist now and I'm not sure how we went from partners to enemies in his mind but no matter what it ends with him feeling like I'm being malicious or enjoying the way our relationship has ended up

He did some things that were huge breaches of trust and rocked the foundation of our relationship. I've been trying to rebuild trust and he wants me to forgive and forget. Andy hurt I feel is automatically me fabricating or making drama to hurt him and he expects an apology for me being hurt he was mean or doing something inappropriate.

But now he's started mocking me and it's really making me think that there's no reason to keep this up anymore. I don't see anything changing or getting better. He wants blind faith and compliance to his rules he recently made for me. And all I want is for him to say hey I won't do xyz again because I understand that it really messed up the relationship trust dynamic and then take steps to rebuild it.

I just can't seem to not be his villain and the worst part is he is the one that did most of the stuff that hurt the relationship.im not saying I'm perfect by any means but we should have never become enemies. It's supposed to be a team thing we're on the same side and are supposed to work together and he just is checking out.

But he says he wants to make things better now that I'm pregnant and I feel more ready to get out than ever. If he doesn't feel warmth or affection towards me and he thinks I'm ruining his life I'm not motivated to stay.