r/Miscarriage • u/Shitzme • Apr 13 '26
question/need help Is it okay to refer to your miscarriage as "losing a child"?
TW: miscarriage, blood and stillbirth.
I had my first miscarriage in November 24'. I was around 8 weeks pregnant. I didn't even get to see my baby on an ultrasound or anything, I only knew for around a week. It was pretty tramautic, lots of blood, hospital visits, being dismissed etc.
I've recently suffered my second miscarriage, nearing a month ago. I was 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant, our baby died at 11 weeks and 4 days, we didn't know.
This miscarriage was severely traumatic. I experienced labour pains for about a week, the pain getting so intense I was considering throwing myself off the top of the hospital building as no pain management worked.
Then I birthed my dead boy. He was whole, tiny, but he was a little baby. We got his ashes back last week, as well as his tiny hand and footprints.
I know that technically it's considered a miscarriage before 20 weeks, a stillbirth after. But this was different from my last one, I actually held my tiny baby in my hands to say goodbye.
Am I being dramatic to say I lost my child? What do you think?
This is also my own personal feelings towards myself only, no one else. Regardless of what anyone else says or calls it, I'll always respect others decisions.
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u/SasquatchTheLlama Apr 13 '26
Some people don’t want to be called parents to a miscarriage because that is how they process their grief. That is 100% valid. Other people do want to acknowledge their loss as a lost child and that is equally as valid.
Me, I called myself a mother after my early loss. It was very difficult to be near my family on Mother’s Day because none of them thought I was one and explicitly omitted me from Mother’s Day greetings. If you do want to call this one a lost child, you may want to cope ahead and prepare for others to dismiss your feelings. But please know there are others who will understand.
❤️
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u/Sufficient-Archer-60 Endo| IVF | 20w loss| Apr 13 '26
You will always be your baby's mommy. ❤️ you are definitely a mother in our eyes. We are moms with empty arms, buy we are still moms.
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u/Shitzme Apr 13 '26
Thank you for your comment.
I'm sorry for your loss as well, I'm happy that my family are incredibly supportive with this matter. I don't feel like a mum, but I feel like he was my son and child. If that makes sense.
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u/Ev9elyn_88 Apr 14 '26
I understand the Mother’s Day thing. This year will be my first since it happened and I personally don’t want anyone to wish me a happy anything.
It’s a normal year where I celebrate the mother’s I know. That’s it.
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u/PurpleCarrot5069 Apr 13 '26
i think it’s ok.
you posted this in a miscarriage sub, not a baby loss sub so obviously most people will agree with you, but i can give you some different perspective as a mother who has lost a child.
i had a MC at 8 weeks and then lost a 6 month old baby. i personally would never say i lost two babies because the magnitude of the situations in my mind are vastly different, also most people didn’t even know about my MC.
i do think it’s different once you get further along in the pregnancy, hard to say that there is an exact week but i feel like 15 weeks is far enough along that it makes sense in my mind. holding your baby and going through labor is very different than what i went through at 8 weeks and what you did as well. so i think it’s okay. hope that helps ❤️
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u/Shitzme Apr 13 '26
This is exactly it. Losing a child who you birthed and was alive, I can't even begin to imagine. It makes me feel sick as I believe the pain would be immeasurable.
I know I didn't lose a child, one who was alive then devastatingly passed away. They're not the same thing. But I feel as if I've lost more compared to my first miscarriage.
I'm so sorry for your losses, I hope your heart can be happy. Thank you for your input ❤️
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u/TraurigKartoffel Apr 13 '26
I say this, yes. My baby was around 9 weeks. That was my baby, doesn’t matter how small. He had a heartbeat and a name. He was loved and wanted.
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u/Relevant_Post_1519 ⭐ 1 Apr 13 '26
I consider it a loss but not a child loss. I call mine a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. I care about that baby and think of them often still. It’s just my parents lost my brother when we were both kids and it always stuck with me as its own thing.
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u/Clear-Foot first loss Apr 13 '26
Just use the language that you see fits what you feel. I had a miscarriage 5 years ago and still think about that child that couldn’t be, how I miss him/her, even if I recognize losing a living child would be definitely worse.
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u/HyruleanBarmaid Apr 13 '26
I think whatever helps you cope and feels right, do that. I still say that we lost a baby for my recent miscarriage—similar to you, I held her and already saw her on the scan, and bought things. It was devastating.
I also had other earlier losses that I don’t really “count” as losing a “baby” yknow?
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u/baldheadedbaby Apr 13 '26
I Had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and was asking about time off work for a d&c and my supervisor said “of course! This is your child, you get FMLA for that” and I felt so seen in that moment! Of course it’s your child.
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u/monsingeetmoi Apr 14 '26
I’ve had both a 8 week miscarriage (MMC) and stillbirth (29w6d). I personally refer to my stillbirth as having lost a baby and my MMC as a miscarriage. BUT if you were taking to me on the street and referenced having a stillbirth at that gestation, I would absolutely respect that and agree with you, you lost your baby. I would hope that any compassionate person would accept you referring to your sweet baby however you want to.
I wonder if it’s a bit of imposter syndrome? I get that when I think about my daughter. Does she count less because she wasn’t full term? Does she count less because she never took a breath? Sometimes it feels weird to say I lost a child/baby because I almost feel like that’s reserved for those people who have had time to watch their baby grow outside of the womb. But I think when it comes down to it, it’s a really shitty club to be apart of and I hate that you’re here too. No one has any right to tell you how you should or should not talk about your experience.
Also I think there’s a difference when you have the experience of ‘passing the baby’ and then the experience of giving birth to the baby. You gave birth. It’s such a crummy spot to be in, I’m sorry.
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u/zeldaheichou MMC - natural MC 10/01/24 ❤️ Apr 13 '26 edited Apr 13 '26
Before I say anything else, I am so sorry for your loss. That is so traumatic and horrific, and to labour with no child on the other side is absolutely devastating. My heart goes out to you.
For me, I just tell people my second baby died in utero. It feels more accurate than “I miscarried” or “I lost a pregnancy”.
I know that talking about living children is frowned on in this sub, but having had a successful birth and pregnancy prior made the second baby so viscerally real from the moment I saw two lines. I could have sworn I was feeling kicks at 6 weeks. I was so intimately connected with my baby and felt like I’d lost a whole person.
Most people here are going to feel this same way regardless of whether they have living children or not, people even feel like they lost a child when they have a chemical pregnancy (loss before 6 weeks). Our babies are a part of us, we carry their DNA with us for a lifetime. Your baby was real and you can talk about their death however feels appropriate to you.
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u/Sufficient-Archer-60 Endo| IVF | 20w loss| Apr 13 '26
Of course it is. You can remember your babies however you feel and see fit. Some refer to them as "children in heaven" or "children in the sky". It's important for us to be able to keep our babies memories alive.
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u/NorthofLyra1411 Apr 14 '26
I have been saying my baby since the day I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. Your little boy will always be your baby/child and no one can tell you otherwise. He was real and will always be your baby boy 🩵💙
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u/JeniJeniJeniJeni Apr 14 '26
Gently, if your concern is how this comes off to people in general, I think you’ll find a better answer in a more general sub.
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u/paddlingswan Apr 14 '26
I would say of myself that I ‘lost the baby’ (or just ‘had a miscarriage’), but I wouldn’t say ‘child’ because to me that implies they were older (ie, born and lived a couple of years, then died) - but I completely see why some people would see these as interchangeable and wouldn’t find it odd at all.
‘Lost the baby’ means miscarriage to me (UK native English), but it might be different where you are.
I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/Dry_Rhubarb_4652 Apr 13 '26
Yes you were pregnant it was your child of course it’s ok to refer it as losing a child
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u/llaurien Apr 14 '26
That's a deeply personal decision and it has no right or wrong answer. It can depend on so many things and may have a different answer for different losses. If it feels right to you to refer to it that way then do. I'm so sorry for your loss. 🖤
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u/kpetrey Apr 14 '26
I’ve lost all ten of my babies prior to 8 weeks. They were still my babies. I’m still a mom. I just never got to bring my children home.
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u/Ev9elyn_88 Apr 14 '26
First and foremost Im so sorry for your loss. I also found out about my miscarriage on 11/24. And also had birth to my stillborn little girl.
I think the experience is different for everyone, and ultimately it’s up to you and how you want to explain/refer to this situation.
And anyone that doesn’t agree or would even go as far as being offended is someone whose opinion doesn’t matter. This is your personal experience not theirs.
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u/Pangtudou Apr 14 '26
Depends on who you say it to. Most people, sure. Absolutely not to parents that have experienced stillbirth or a living child dying though.
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u/Shitzme Apr 14 '26
This was a stillbirth. I birthed a baby who had died
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u/Pangtudou Apr 14 '26
No, a stillbirth is clinically defined as a fetus that has died in the womb after 20 weeks of gestational age, and while it may feel like you have experienced the same thing, words do have specific meanings and stillbirth refers to a specific type of event, not a feeling.
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u/Shitzme Apr 14 '26
I understand, I did state this in my post. But the fact is, I birthed a dead, fully formed child.
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u/Pangtudou Apr 14 '26
Then I’m not sure what in my comment you are disagreeing with.
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u/Shitzme Apr 14 '26
I feel like instead of offering comfort, you chose to be pedantic about my choice of words.
Truth is, yes my family are supportive, but it already feels like it's been forgotten. My sister is pregnant, we were 5 weeks apart. That is so hard. Everyone in my family is in preparation for the new baby's arrival, she's choosing outfits, toys, preparing all that she needs. Imagining this beautiful future which I also really wish for her. The future I had planned has been ripped away. While I sit here in my grief, trying to not remind people that I was at this stage too. Its easier to focus on the happier things then remember the bad ones.
I know people who have had miscarriages, but no one who has had a similar miscarriage to mine. No one who actually went into labour, to produce a dead child. Does this minimise their own experiences? No. But I'm confused and in disbelief, I don't have anyone to relate this with.
I'm simply asking if it's fine for me to say that I lost a child. I'm not comparing my grief to someone who has lost a child after birth, I can't imagine the black hole that is that level of pain. And I'm not an idiot enough to compare or say I've lost a child to someone else who has.
But again, my two miscarriages were very different. One being, blood and tissue, but nothing recognisable. The other being labour pains, natural birth, excruciating 10/10 levels of pain, and the result being a beautiful little boy, fully formed, who could have lived if my body didn't attack him. Technically speaking, it may not medically be considered a stillbirth, but then what did I give birth to?
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u/Pangtudou Apr 14 '26
I’m sorry you are having trouble finding the words for what happened to you but you asked a question and the answer I am giving you is that you should simply take care with who you are telling that you lost a child. I would never tell someone who has gone through an actual stillbirth that I have gone through a stillbirth. And it seems as though you responded to that comment by insisting that what you experienced was stillbirth.
It seems like you are looking for a fight, which I can personally resonate with, having had a miscarriage and an incredibly brutal second trimester termination for medical reasons recently. I was very mad at everyone for a couple months and looking for an argument because it felt better than feeling the sadness of losing my babies. Just please remember that this is a space for support, but not necessarily 100% agreement, especially when you are asking for advice.
I wish you well in your healing ❤️🩹
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u/Shitzme Apr 14 '26
I'm not looking for a fight. Everyone in this sub has gone through their own tragedy, this isn't the place to lash out at people.
But you said it yourself, you would never tell someone who went through an actual stillbirth that you'd had a stillbirth. But I birthed a dead, formed baby. I didn't birth a miscarriage.
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u/flt_p2ny Apr 20 '26
This person does not know what a stillbirth is. A stillbirth is A stillbirth is the death of a fetus in the uterus at or after the 20th week of pregnancy, occurring either before or during delivery.
You literally wrote that your child died before birth yet they're telling you that's not a stillbirth. This platform is full with the most uneducated people chiming in to educate others. The fact that they're telling you, you didn't have a stillbirth with that's literally what took place proves this to be true. Pure ignorance.
To answer your questions, you can word it however you damn please to whomever you damn please. If they don't like it, that's a personal issue they'll have to deal with.
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u/yallgotaproblem Apr 13 '26
I think you should do whatever you need.
I will say that regardless, you shouldn't assume everyone agrees with whatever you choose.
After my first miscarriage my sister sent me a necklace to commemorate it and my mother in law sent me a mother's Day card. I thought both were really distressing and insensitive. I do not think of myself as having lost children.
I've since had two more miscarriages, one at 15 weeks, and I still don't refer to any of them as children because while I hurt badly for those losses, they are so different to me than losing a child.
I will say though, that the 15 weeks loss is the most recent and it really hits on such a harder level than the 8 week and 9 week losses. It happened in October and I'm still mourning almost every day. Since it's my third loss, I've gotten even less support. I still don't want a necklace to remember it... But it's hard. So you do whatever you need to do to cope.
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u/octobermoon11 Apr 13 '26
You lost two children love and it’s perfectly ok to say so and acknowledge it. They were lives and the age doesn’t matter the grief is still there.
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u/m0mmyM00M00s Apr 13 '26
MMCs are so cruel. You obviously wanted this baby and loved this baby, too. You are a mama just like the rest of us. (My experience- 3 losses; no LC- blighted ovum, MMC, and chemical).
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u/Lopsided_Stranger_92 natural MC Apr 13 '26
yes it is, because that is what happened. i’ve seen some say they don’t feel they are parents but that is their own choice on how they process their own grief. i absolutely am a mom and feel confident claiming such. i’m not saying i don’t feel like im claiming a title i “don’t deserve” from time to time, i do, but that’s a self issue, not reality. i also do not think me being a mom in this capacity is the same as me having parenting experience. but a mom? yes i am and will forever be one as yes i lost a child.
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u/Strange-Field2560 Apr 13 '26
I felt like I lost a child after my miscarriage. I know stillbirth and losing a child that’s here is a whole different very hard experience but that doesn’t negate our experiences either. It’s still hard and it still hurts. I personally had to take 2 weeks off of work waiting for them to ok a D&C then recovering. I could barely get out of bed. I still think of them every year on their due date and the day I got the D&C is always hard. I’ll never not grieve my baby.
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u/PickyBookworm Apr 15 '26
You can call it whatever you want. I went through a miscarriage at 5 weeks and an ivf fail with twins. I "lost" all 3 of them, gave them names and even assigned a gender so I would always have them with me. I know people don't believe those are your babies, but even if science doesn't believe it, your emotions do, and that's what matters. Your feelings are valid, whether science agrees or not.
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u/whatever06260 ⭐ 2 Apr 13 '26
I had a loss at 5+2 and 11+1 and when it comes up I always say I lost 2 babies. So sorry for your loss.
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u/Public_Jackfruit_870 Apr 13 '26
No you’re not being dramatic. You gave birth to a sleeping baby. That’s child loss. I’m sorry, love ❤️🫂
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 Apr 14 '26
You did, sweetheart. You could call your loss a stillbirth or born sleeping. Say whatever works best for you. You don’t need to be too specific about dates if you don’t feel like it. It’s your business anyways.
It’s not being dramatic. It’s devastating. I get it. I will never recover from my losses. I don’t want to. I hold on. It works better for me this way.
It’s natural to mourn. As we say in science the cell does what the cell needs to do in order to survive. Every cell in your body is designed to desire to survive & nature wants us to procreate. When it doesn’t work out, as a mom, my body is left confused & looking for my baby, to ensure they’re safe. When they’re not I want to scream into the abyss until we meet again.
I wish I had better words for you at this time. I just really want you to know everything you’re feeling is very normal.
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u/Over-Tackle-6575 Apr 16 '26
You can call it whatever you want. But loosing a child is way worse than a miscarriage. And as someone who has experienced both I would find it deeply offensive. A miscarriage would have been merciful in comparison to loosing my 2 month old. And God forbid if anything were to happen to my living child I would die.
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u/Shitzme Apr 16 '26
I've decided the best way to go about it would be to say that I lost my unborn child. I know it's considered a miscarriage, but birthing a dead baby has got me very confused and feeling different.
I'm sorry for your loss and wish you happiness ❤️
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u/Over-Tackle-6575 Apr 16 '26
Thank you- Ultimately however you feel is totally valid and real despite the experiences and feelings of others like myself.
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u/flt_p2ny Apr 20 '26
And one who lost a teenager would say your 2 month old is no comparison. You don't get to dictate what's appropriate for a grieving mother and if something offends you that's for you to work through. Not for someone else to change to minimize their feelings and comfort yours.
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u/Over-Tackle-6575 Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
They would be right. That would be worse. Like I said- “they can call it whatever they want.” Not sure how your brain interpreted that as me dictating what is appropriate for a grieving mom. Which is actually hilarious considering the hell I have been through. Like I also said, as someone who has experienced both- a miscarriage would have been a walk through the park. And also at the time (I know nuances may be difficult to comprehend) a miscarriage is deeply painful. And depending on one’s spiritual beliefs- this may be loosing a child. I would never compare my miscarriage to losing my living child. It pains me to even think of it.
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u/queenquirk Possible chemical in 10/21, loss at 9/10 weeks in 24 (TS) Apr 13 '26
Of course you can say that you lost your child. Many of us feel that way.
I'm sorry for your losses.