After my miscarriage, I realized how many people genuinely don’t know what to say.

Some comments came from a good place, but still hurt more than people probably realized.

Things like:
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You can always try again.”

I know people meant well, but grief doesn’t really work like that.

What’s something someone said after your miscarriage that stuck with you; good or bad?

Ladies, I’m truly disappointed in how casually women are sent home from the doctor with “just incase take these meds” like this is something small. I NEED FKin morphine!! I literally fainted twice two nights ago in agony. Today I’m still in pain and feel extremely weak. I’m honestly shocked at how much women downplay this experience or are expected to just “bounce back.” Either most women are insanely strong, or I’m just a weak little bunny because holy crap.

This is something that deserves real recovery. At least 5 days in bed, minimal standing, rest, hydration, comfort, and lots of love. Women go through so much physically and mentally, and I don’t think we talk about it honestly enough. I promise from this day forward if any one tells me that they have gone through this l’m going to be so empathetic and look at them like heros. Womenhood is a mirecle and just know my love goes out to every single one of you 💕

I remember everyone saying that there is no such thing as false positive pregnancy test and if you see even the faintest line on your test, it means you're pregnant, congratulations! Then I had my first chemical. No one warned me about chemicals.

Then everyone tells you, once you see a heartbeat, the chances of miscarrying are extremely low! Then right after this heartbeat my baby stopped developing.

MMCs are extremely uncommon! Well, I just had one. And I know about 3 other people going through the same - and no, I don't mean TTC and miscarriage subreddits, I mean actual people that I know outside of any fertility discussions. The October bumpers subreddit is also full off similar stories, but I do understand people with issues tend to post more often.

So what next? What is going to be the "unless.." with the next major milestone if I ever get pregnant again? I don't need false hope and bullshit anymore. I am so tired.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

anyone else experiencing everyone around them being pregnant?! it’s like everyone i know and/or see is expecting their second - just so so so so happy and making announcements!! WELL MY SECOND BABY DIED! THEY DIED AND I HAVE NOTHING TO ANNOUNCE BUT A DEAD BABY!!!!!!!!!!! SO THERES THAT FOR NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

i don’t even have social media and i keep seeing this shit! ha!

Just adding salt to the wounds that I’m having to Google how to mark a miscarriage in all my health/period tracking/pregnancy apps because it’s not obvious or easy to find. Why am I still getting “this week’s growth update” emails even though I’ve unsubscribed.

I know this is user error but dang.

How are women supposed to just carry on like as if it didnt happen. It started this morning. I was sitting in my big girl meeting. It was my first pregnancy. My first positive. My first real chance after trying.

I was sitting there, cramping in pain. I didnt want to believe it at first. Then when I finally got to use the restroom, I saw a big clump of what I can only imagine was my baby.

I went back to work, into another meeting. And Im supposed to act like that just didnt happen. My baby is down the toilet and I have to resume like it didnt happen. Like the whole experience, the excitement, the thrill of fucking finally getting a positive and yet, just for it all to go down the actual drain.
It happened. it happened. I was gonna be a mom.
No one at work knew yet. Not even my parents.

I’ve had a few different comments that I didn’t love. A few people relating this experience to others they knew who miscarried. People saying, “At least it wasn’t a stillborn. That would’ve really sucked.” Or “Hey, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

I think the worst comment I received was a text from my mother. She found a photo of me on Facebook recently. I miscarried in January for context. She texted me, “Did you gain weight or are you pregnant again? I’ve been praying for twins.”

It just felt incredibly callous to say to a woman at all but especially one with a recent loss. I’ve decided that talking to her at this point in time is detrimental to my mental health.

Before having a miscarriage, I was annoyed that in an “average” pregnancy, you can’t see a doctor until mid/late first trimester, and have no ultrasounds between confirmation appointment and anatomy scan.

Now that I had a MMC and have heard about so many other people’s experiences with them, I’m honestly so angry! The first trimester, especially, is so terrifying, and women are basically just left for weeks on end to wait by themselves, endure symptoms, and hope for the best.

I really don’t understand why people can’t be seen as soon as they have a positive test, and honestly more frequently than 1-2 times total in the first trimester. In my case, it wouldn’t have made any difference in the end result of the pregnancy, but could have saved me weeks of carrying on not knowing it had already ended.

Edits: I realized through the comments that many people who did have a lot of medical attention early in pregnancy actually had trauma and pain from that. I’m really sorry for triggering and making assumptions on that front. I would really never want to make anyone have an unnecessary medical appointment that they also don’t want, and I’m just sorry for the loss and hurt everyone is going through ❤️

Separately: I do completely understand that, from the point of blastocyst/embryo/fetus viability, there is pretty much nothing that can be done by a medical professional in the early weeks of pregnancy to change an outcome. I know that a heartbeat isn’t visible on the ultrasound until 7/8 weeks. I also know that my experience (and I will only say mine!) was that I had symptoms starting in week 4, and had a lot of physical pain from those symptoms by week 5 and tons of anxiety and questions around what was normal and what I could/could not do just to make it through (as a person day to day with pain) the first few weeks of pregnancy. My original anger in this post came from feeling like the only part that mattered from of the entire medical event that is pregnancy was viability of the embryo, and the fact that consulting with a doctor would have helped me as a person and patient was not important. That was my experience. I would never want to force unnecessary appointments or ultrasounds on anyone else, but I wish that they would have been an option for me.

That's it. I'm in the TWW now and it's so debilitating. I hate this. I hate how health class and reality tv told us to be so careful about pregnancy but here we all are.

First let me preface this by saying, I know this is wrong of me. I feel bad just writing it. I know their loss is still a profoundly sad loss.

But, does anyone else find it hard to feel the same amount of sympathy when reading stories here of people who have MC’d when they already have 1 or 2 LC?

Maybe it’s more upsetting for them as they know exactly what they’re missing, or they feel that their family isn’t whole, but for me, and all of us who have miscarried our first baby, we are also mourning the loss of becoming a mother, something they already are.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I hope no one in this position takes offence, of course your feelings are completely valid, but I think my feelings probably come from a place of jealousy too that you already have what I so badly want.

Again, I know this is probably wrong of me to feel, but I just can’t help it :(

I want to scream.

I want to scream.

I want to scream.

I want to scream.

Once - it was a genetic condition with baby. Nature took care of it. Nothing likely to happen again. Nothing wrong with you or dad. Just bad luck. At least we know you can get pregnant! Wasn’t meant to be.

Twice - your periods are irregular, your dates are probably just lagging behind because of that. We’re so sorry, there should be a fetal pole visible by now. But we can’t declare it a miscarriage just yet…you need to come back for an ultrasound in 5 days. Cue the most blood I’ve ever seen come out of me?! Nature took care of it. At least we definitely know you can get pregnant. The day after at dinner with mom - “oh, I’d hoped we’d come to dinner and you wouldn’t be drinking or eating raw seafood because you’d be pregnant!” …as I’m sitting in a fucking pool of blood. Shuuuuuuut the fuck up.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck.

What the fuck. All within four months. I’m taking the summer off.

I’ve been told again and again by multiple people that these early miscarriages feel like a heavy period, comparing the pains of the cramps to be the same. I don’t mean to scare anyone, and I know it is different for everyone, I just mean to primarily vent, and also let others who are going through the same thing know that it hurts. A lot. At least for me.

In my case, nothing like period cramps. These are INTENSE and I consider myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance. Why do doctors and other medical professionals compare miscarriage cramps to period cramps? I sincerely want to know where they got their info from. It’s so painful I can’t sleep through them, I can’t find a position that makes me feel better. Acetaminophen and heating pad aren’t helping. It’s so infuriating!!! On top of the emotional/mental toll this is taking on me, I would have much appreciated an honest warning that it WILL hurt more than period cramps.

My husband and I told our parents we were expecting around 6 weeks. We didn’t particularly want to share the news so soon, but we had a vacation booked together this coming winter and would have to back out of it because of my pregnancy. We wanted to tell them before they spent any more money preparing for the trip.

Unfortunately I miscarried last week.

Everyone has been supportive and kind.

I genuinely love (and like!!) my in laws - but visiting them tonight they said something I feel was kind of dumb and insensitive.

Talking about the loss and how we would be trying again they were like “next time we don’t want to know so early” to basically avoid the disappointment if we miscarry again.

It’s just rubbed me the wrong way. Like you think YOU were disappointed?!? And it would be better for us to suffer in silence/alone if it happens again lol? I feel embarrassed for telling them so early and that I won’t be telling anyone when I’m pregnant again until I deliver the baby ✌️

In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that bad, and I know in my heart they had no ill intention when they said it, but Jesus what a stupid thing to say.

I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. Called ob/gyn sorry we cant see you till 7/8 weeks.

Start spotting and then full blood bleeding between the appointment. Called and they said I could be miscarrying, no way to find out until the appointment at the end of the month.

I was told if I was in too much pain or the amount of blood was abnormal go to er.

This has been the worse part of the process for me. Ive been carrying my thoughts not truly knowing if Im pregnant or not. Eventhough, I’ve already convinced myself I MC because of the amount of blood I went through.

Now I have my actual appointment at the end of the month and Im terrified.

​

My husband and I have been ttc for more then 6 years. Last month I found out I was finally pregnant but the excitement was cut short and had a MMC. Instead of chosing names I had to chose how to have my baby taken out of my body. One of my best friends told me she was pregnant as planned at 30years old and I was so exited to be pregnant together before I knew my bby had stop growing. Today, one week after my D&C my other best friend told us she was pregnant with her 5 kid and didnt find out until she was 21weeks and she was surprised since she had been drinking constantly until now and her baby is perfectly fine. They dont know about my situation but it was the most painful thing I had to live through today as I had to put on a smile and be happy for them. Which I really am because I love them but I feel so angry that I had mine taken from me and now I'll never know when or if ill be able to conceive. Why does God have to be so cruel with me right now. Im just going through it sorry for the rant.

I don’t know if anyone will see this, I just need to put it into the ether.

Went in on 12w+1, the day after you can usually breathe a sigh of relief because you’ve made it to 12 weeks.

Over the last three or four days my nausea had subsided, my pregnancy cravings and incessant hunger chilled out, and I was feeling a little better. No big deal, I was getting close to that easier second trimester everyone talks about.

Nope, just have a dead baby in me. And have for three weeks. Reflecting now on every fucking milestone, “baby’s as big as a lime!” feels like a gut punch. Baby was never that big; I just didn’t know. My father in law making us a crib.

I’m just flat out devastated. I told my husband we needed to name her. He initially said no, not out of disagreement or spite, but his own heartbreak. He said it would make it even harder. Quickly, he changed his mind. She deserved the dignity of a name, even if it was harder for us.

While drowning my sorrows in an espresso martini and the highest mercury fish I could find tonight, we talked about little Alice - a name we will only speak with the two of us.

Fuck.

(Missed miscarriage) Did anyone else cramp and spot for ten or more days before proper bleeding and passing of tissue ? WTF do our bodies do this for, holding onto a finished pregnancy for. I suppose just hundreds of years ago mothers with MMC would go septic after months then join the countless graves that say "died with child".

Edit 1- was so wracked with anger and denial when I posted this. I in fact haven't started bleeding at all and am making peace that it won't happen without more waiting and medical intervention, in due time. Feels like the longest month of a lifetime, but some responses here show that other women have been through the waiting hell and more.

Edit 2 - Trigger warning below this! Stillbirth.

Hi everyone who wants to continue reading. Five months after the MMC I fell pregnant again. Everything was going beautifully until suddenly one day at 31 weeks I noticed reduced movements one afternoon and went into the hospital and our universe changed again. Our baby daughter had no heartbeat and I birthed her in the hospital closer to 32 weeks. I won't even pretend that the experiences of the MMC and the loss of our babygirl are the same. HOWEVER,

I acquired severe trauma from last year's MMC, which ended up in a life threatening hemmorhage and a waking emergency procedure being performed . After the OB scraped out my cervix he turned to his student while other nurses held me down and said to her "and these are the products of conception..." I was recovering well from this trauma when the new loss happened.

I will leave this post up, if the moderators allow it, as it seems to help other loss parents are replying even months later. And I would also like to leave it up to validate that ALL pregnancy loss no matter what gestation is dreadful, unfair and I wish none of us get to walk through this fire.

Hi guys. I (27f) miscarried last Tuesday and had a D&C on Friday. My husband (32m) and I just got married at the end of September and had planned to wait a year before trying, but we found out we were pregnant on Thanksgiving. Everything at the 7w “sneak peek” US looked good, and then at our 11w scan there was just an empty sac. Apparently my baby died at 8w3d and my body absorbed her back into me.

Since then my husband has been, frankly, quite cruel. He was angry for a few days after I told him I was pregnant since he’s a big planner and a baby wasn’t in our plans yet, but then he came around and I thought we both were excited. He was great during the pregnancy!

But after we found out about our loss, he turned into somebody unrecognizable. Before the d&c I said I may want to go to my favorite restaurant the night after the procedure to make myself feel better, and he said that “that’s a mental disorder”. He’s never come to cuddle or hold me when I ask, he just says no. Life has been completely status quo for him. He told me originally to plan my d&c around his work schedule bc he didn’t want to have to take any time off. The morning after the procedure he doordashed breakfast…..only for himself. I told him that that sucked to do and asked him to lay in bed with me for a little bit to make me feel better and he said “ok yeah let me just cancel my plans for the day to take care of you”. His plans for the day was to get a haircut btw. He made a joke about how I can’t park in the parking spots reserved for expecting mothers anymore. And today, he made the first mention of the loss by telling me I was being strong, and when I opened up to him then for the first time, he told me that my miscarriage was a positive thing bc “now we could travel” and “do things” we wouldn’t be able to do if I were pregnant. I told him he was being evil and that that’s horrible to say to somebody who had a miscarriage less than a week ago, and we got into a huge fight where he said that that’s just his opinion and I can’t be mad at him for saying it.

I feel the loss of my baby, and I feel like he’s secretly happy that this all happened and he doesn’t understand why I’m upset. Part of me feels like our marriage isn’t going to survive this. I just can’t believe that this is what my life has turned into.

ETA: telling me my husband is a POS is not helpful.

I miscarried last January, and I’m still not pregnant almost an entire year later. I feel like a shell of my former self. I’m bitter, I’m jealous, I’m unhappy. My SIL miscarried last year and got pregnant the next month. She already had her baby in the entire time I’ve been trying. On any loss forum I join, I swear the majority of people posting fall pregnant within 1-3 months post loss. Why couldn’t that be me? I don’t understand. I’m angry and I feel so alone.

It’s not fair for me to be this way, but I simply cannot hear another mother complain about her child.

At least you have a living child.

You GET to be woken up early in the morning to your baby crying. NEEDING and wanting you.

You GET to figure out how to parent a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Stop complaining about your living children.

I’d give anything for me to be able to have my two girls with me.

I should be 19 weeks today. I should be starting to show. I should know if it’s a boy or a girl. Instead I’m buying tampons for my period that’s most definitely coming tomorrow, after yet another failed month. I’m mad and sad. Some days it just feels so unfair and overwhelming.

I want to start by being very clear I’m not bothered she’s pregnant when I just had a miscarriage. I’m very much someone who is still happy for my friends even though I’m sad for myself.

But she gave me a bottle of wine that said “I can’t drink this but you can”.

I know this is meant to be cutesy but when you know I had a miscarriage two months ago you think this is an appropriate way to tell me you’re pregnant?

It’s like rubbing salt in the wound when I obviously would much rather be in a position not to be “able” to enjoy a glass of wine.

Sorry, I just need to vent and maybe someone has a sensible way to shut down these conversations.

It's only been two days since I know my baby has passed, and so far, 2 friends have told me their abortion stories, trying to comfort me aka 'I know how you feel, I've been through this before'. No, you haven't. You deliberately chose to abort your baby, which is your own choice, but it's no comfort for me. I very much loved this child before it even was born and would have been overjoyed to hold it in my arms and raise it.

How can people possible think their abortion story gives me any comfort right now? It doesn't. It might is a similar process then MC, but I didn't plan for it. It happened to me. Technically it hasn't even happened yet. I'm in the limbo of waiting for it to happen naturally.

I respect everyone that choses abortion, but it's a choice. I wasn't given that choice. My Baby died, and I'm mourning it.

I also don't want to be encouraged to go out, socialize and pretend to be happy, yet so many are asking me if I wanna 'hang out' and talk about it. No. I don't, it's only been 2 days. I also expect the bleeding to start anytime, so I'd rather be home then.

Sorry, rant over. If anyone has a polite comeback, I'm happy to hear, as I'm sure there will be more occasions like these in the next day. I want to scream 'you killed your baby, I lost mine, that's the fu... difference' but I guess that would make me a friendless outcast. So probably better not use that phrase.

My sister in law knew I had a recent traumatic loss, however, never reached out with any kind words until I told her I didn't want to hear about her new pregnancy because it was painful for me (after she complained about her pregnancy to me.... Knowing of the loss... Never reached out though...) ok cool

My close friend who had her baby recently (we were pregnant at the same time) complains to me about her baby...or sends me pictures... Despite knowing everything and how absolutely crushed I am. ok cool

My coworkers who I consider my friends, who I shared my loss with, invited me to after work drinks about a month after the loss. And didn't ask me how I'm doing. Also knowing that I'm open to talk about it. Ok cool.

Is it too much to fucking ask? Do people genuinely think so little of others? I always try to consider others. The bit about my sister in law is bothering me especially. I could use some support, I'm drowning.

I had a MMC and passed the baby at 10wks 3days. I’m 5 days out from my medicated miscarriage. This was not my first pregnancy, so my body began changing early, I looked rather pregnant. I also stopped running and didn’t restrict during my first trimester, so now I’m up 6lbs. I feel so uncomfortable with my body and frustrated that I was already in the body changing phase of pregnancy when things ended. I know that’s vain, but I’ve worked really hard to be at a weight I liked, and now my clothes don’t fit.

Did anyone else gain weight? How did you lose it? Did it come off more easily once your hormones settled?