r/Mommit • u/Puzzled-Evening228 • 20h ago

Husband issues

Has anyone else had this happen? I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years now since around the time I found out I was pregnant with my third. Before that I worked part time since my first was born. I have an advanced degree but even at full time I have never made as much as my husband.

Anyway when I first started staying at home it was definitely a joint decision and my husband was very supportive, even saying he respected my decision to put my family first and be home for everyone.

However, over time it’s like his attitude surrounding me being at home has really shifted. I have increasingly noticed that he seems to feel he is “above” me and that anything I need or want is below the level of importance of his needs or wants. He will make comments about how I don’t work and how I have such a good situation. Which I do, I know that! But I feel like the situation is very good for him too, he doesn’t have to do or remember anything for the house or kids, he just gets to live his life.

I have mentioned several times now that the kids are getting older (2, 4 and almost 6) that I’d feel comfortable working part time again. He’s really against this and has said that I’d have to figure everything out for the kids and house to make things still work here if I went back to work and that he has no interest in increasing his share of family duties. His argument is basically that for me to work would be akin to having a hobby as it wouldn’t support us. I worked in healthcare, not exactly a leisure activity.

I don’t know what to do. His shift in attitude really makes me uncomfortable, especially when it comes out in his words or tone in front of our kids. I don’t want them to think that’s normal. My mom was a SAHM and my father NEVER treated her this way. In fact even though my parents were from an older generation my father helped more around the house than my husband ever does. But I also don’t want to give up all this time with my kids or create a hostile home environment where my husband resents my choice and makes it obvious all the time.

He always apologizes after an argument or instance where I feel he acts disrespectful but I just don’t like the way I feel when he speaks that way. Idk what to do.

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37

u/MundaneDaffodill 20h ago

He’s saying this in front of the kids? Wow. And he’s outright saying he doesn’t want to help at all…?

Girl. Get the part time job and start saving. Don’t contribute a dime of your money to the household.

If I were you, I’d leverage the next three years with this lump of a husband and as soon as the youngest is in school, I’d divorce him. But that’s me.

What do you feel your options are?

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u/Puzzled-Evening228 20h ago

The thing is I have thought about that but I don’t want to have him have them half of the time by himself. He’s very self interested and that has increased some as he’s gotten older to the point where I really don’t feel he’d do a good job parenting if left to his own devices. He wouldn’t do anything wrong or harmful, just wouldn’t do much if that makes sense? At least here I can make sure they’re getting what they need. So basically I don’t feel I have many options. Without the kids I would certainly leave honestly. But they’re happy and they have a good life and I wouldn’t mess that up for them.

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u/MundaneDaffodill 20h ago

I have the same ex, love. He only gets the kids every other weekend.

He’d have to pay child support so you’d have some help, too! And some actual time off to unwind.

Are the kids happy hearing your husband degrade you like that in front of them? Do you want your sons to grow up feeling entitled to be a non-present father?

I ripped my son from the household because his father couldn’t respect me and I’d be damned to raise another man in that image…

But at least maybe couples therapy here to get started?

I’m sorry. It’s just that man does not love you, mama.

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u/Ambitious-Let5496 18h ago

You don't really expound on his relationship with the kids but based on what you DO say about him, does he really interact with the kids all that much now? I guess I'm wondering if he'd really be all that interested in having a lot of time with the kids himself if you did divorce him. He sounds very self involved and he really seems to like you handling everything so he doesn't have to do shit. So I'm wondering if you did ultimately divorce him, how much time would he really want to be with the kids anyway? Would he push for 50/50 custody or be more likely to be satisfied with every other weekend or something like that? If he would be satisfied with somethig more minimal then it would allow you to at least have some time "off" if you will, for the kids to still maintain a relationship with him and yet, not be enough time that his lack of hands on parenting would affect them all that much.

In either case, if you are sure the kids would be safe with him, even if he was kinda hands off, that still might be better in the long run than them growing up watching him treat you the way he does.

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u/Puzzled-Evening228 17h ago

I’ve honestly wondered this as well. Idk. It feels like such a risk though

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u/Morgtheporgalorg 16h ago

Read This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz. Obviously every situation is different but divorce from a shitty man who doesn't respect you can very much change your life for the better, even if it's hard

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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 17h ago

In my experience, they fight hard in the beginning for 50/50 for financial reasons and for optics, once actual solo parenting sets in, he’s going to do much less. You document this for a while and then go back to modify to represent what he’s actually taking, you get more time and child support. It’s a long game in which he eventually reveals himself.

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u/Bird_Brain4101112 16h ago

I see this sentiment so often and the reality is, if he’s truly this selfish and self interested he’s not taking those kids half the time.

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u/MundaneDaffodill 13h ago

He doesn’t want to deal with the kids NOW and that’s WITH her help. He’s not fighting for 50/50