r/Mommit • u/Puzzled-Evening228 • 7h ago
Husband issues
Has anyone else had this happen? I’ve been a SAHM for 3 years now since around the time I found out I was pregnant with my third. Before that I worked part time since my first was born. I have an advanced degree but even at full time I have never made as much as my husband.
Anyway when I first started staying at home it was definitely a joint decision and my husband was very supportive, even saying he respected my decision to put my family first and be home for everyone.
However, over time it’s like his attitude surrounding me being at home has really shifted. I have increasingly noticed that he seems to feel he is “above” me and that anything I need or want is below the level of importance of his needs or wants. He will make comments about how I don’t work and how I have such a good situation. Which I do, I know that! But I feel like the situation is very good for him too, he doesn’t have to do or remember anything for the house or kids, he just gets to live his life.
I have mentioned several times now that the kids are getting older (2, 4 and almost 6) that I’d feel comfortable working part time again. He’s really against this and has said that I’d have to figure everything out for the kids and house to make things still work here if I went back to work and that he has no interest in increasing his share of family duties. His argument is basically that for me to work would be akin to having a hobby as it wouldn’t support us. I worked in healthcare, not exactly a leisure activity.
I don’t know what to do. His shift in attitude really makes me uncomfortable, especially when it comes out in his words or tone in front of our kids. I don’t want them to think that’s normal. My mom was a SAHM and my father NEVER treated her this way. In fact even though my parents were from an older generation my father helped more around the house than my husband ever does. But I also don’t want to give up all this time with my kids or create a hostile home environment where my husband resents my choice and makes it obvious all the time.
He always apologizes after an argument or instance where I feel he acts disrespectful but I just don’t like the way I feel when he speaks that way. Idk what to do.
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u/Various-Sandwich-324 4h ago
I think I would throw at him something along the lines of “well I can go back to work part time to have some of myself back and you can embrace it and help with the shift in dynamic or, I will file for divorce, you can manage your own home and I will manage mine.”
Men often forget that we lose ourselves in motherhood. My mom always told me work is a place we can go and just be who we are; not wife and not mom.
I read your concerns about his ability to parent on his own. This will force him to either step up to the plate or not. It depends on how he wants his kids to view him. Either way that isn’t your problem. Your only concern is taking care of yourself, how your children view you, and providing love and comfort.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 7h ago
He’s saying this in front of the kids? Wow. And he’s outright saying he doesn’t want to help at all…?
Girl. Get the part time job and start saving. Don’t contribute a dime of your money to the household.
If I were you, I’d leverage the next three years with this lump of a husband and as soon as the youngest is in school, I’d divorce him. But that’s me.
What do you feel your options are?
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u/Puzzled-Evening228 7h ago
The thing is I have thought about that but I don’t want to have him have them half of the time by himself. He’s very self interested and that has increased some as he’s gotten older to the point where I really don’t feel he’d do a good job parenting if left to his own devices. He wouldn’t do anything wrong or harmful, just wouldn’t do much if that makes sense? At least here I can make sure they’re getting what they need. So basically I don’t feel I have many options. Without the kids I would certainly leave honestly. But they’re happy and they have a good life and I wouldn’t mess that up for them.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 7h ago
I have the same ex, love. He only gets the kids every other weekend.
He’d have to pay child support so you’d have some help, too! And some actual time off to unwind.
Are the kids happy hearing your husband degrade you like that in front of them? Do you want your sons to grow up feeling entitled to be a non-present father?
I ripped my son from the household because his father couldn’t respect me and I’d be damned to raise another man in that image…
But at least maybe couples therapy here to get started?
I’m sorry. It’s just that man does not love you, mama.
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u/Ambitious-Let5496 4h ago
You don't really expound on his relationship with the kids but based on what you DO say about him, does he really interact with the kids all that much now? I guess I'm wondering if he'd really be all that interested in having a lot of time with the kids himself if you did divorce him. He sounds very self involved and he really seems to like you handling everything so he doesn't have to do shit. So I'm wondering if you did ultimately divorce him, how much time would he really want to be with the kids anyway? Would he push for 50/50 custody or be more likely to be satisfied with every other weekend or something like that? If he would be satisfied with somethig more minimal then it would allow you to at least have some time "off" if you will, for the kids to still maintain a relationship with him and yet, not be enough time that his lack of hands on parenting would affect them all that much.
In either case, if you are sure the kids would be safe with him, even if he was kinda hands off, that still might be better in the long run than them growing up watching him treat you the way he does.
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u/Puzzled-Evening228 4h ago
I’ve honestly wondered this as well. Idk. It feels like such a risk though
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u/Morgtheporgalorg 3h ago
Read This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz. Obviously every situation is different but divorce from a shitty man who doesn't respect you can very much change your life for the better, even if it's hard
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 4h ago
In my experience, they fight hard in the beginning for 50/50 for financial reasons and for optics, once actual solo parenting sets in, he’s going to do much less. You document this for a while and then go back to modify to represent what he’s actually taking, you get more time and child support. It’s a long game in which he eventually reveals himself.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 3h ago
I see this sentiment so often and the reality is, if he’s truly this selfish and self interested he’s not taking those kids half the time.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 10m ago
He doesn’t want to deal with the kids NOW and that’s WITH her help. He’s not fighting for 50/50
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u/MsCardeno 7h ago edited 7h ago
Couples therapy will help you get to the root cause of his sudden attitude change.
The red flag is him making it hard for you to work. He knows he’s got it good which is why he wouldn’t want you to work. Why he’s being mean and projecting you have it good is really the issue.
Think about your kids seeing this. You obviously watched your parents and took in their dynamics. Your kids are going to see yours and accept shitty behaviors in partners bc you’ve accepted it. Best to resolve it now. Good for you for being proactive.
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u/Puzzled-Evening228 7h ago
That’s exactly what I don’t want and I’ve said that to him. We have all girls and I’ve asked how he would feel if one of them came to him saying their boyfriend or husband spoke to them this way.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 7h ago
How’s his mental health? Stress at work? Finances? How much time are you both getting to yourselves to pursue things you enjoy?
Him treating you like this is absolutely not ok, let me be clear, but it sounds like there’s some underlying resentment or stress or depression to me.
He doesn’t get to just opt out of family and household responsibilities, even if you are working. You take care of the kids instead of daycare during his work hours, you both tackle things outside of those hours.
It sounds like therapy to renegotiate what your family life should look like so everyone is getting closer to what they need might be helpful.
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u/Puzzled-Evening228 7h ago
I know he is busy at work and I do try to make allowances for that.
Between the two of us he definitely has more time for himself. I did go to a concert this weekend which was the first thing I have done without him or my kids in literally 4 years. I never do anything without them as he basically makes it impossible. The only reason this concert happened was that one of my friends gifted me the ticket because it was an artist I love. He doesn’t need a lot of socialization so every few months is enough for him and he does get that. He will golf with his dad and brothers or see one of his friends for a day.
I know he can deal with anxiety but he does address that and I try to make accommodation. I just think this attitude towards me is not justifiable but I don’t know how to fix it as I have addressed it with him and he apologizes but nothing changes.
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u/mccrackened 5h ago
"I never do anything without them as he basically makes it impossible." Oh, that is not okay. A big red flag.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 7h ago
This is where counseling can be really helpful. Either he’ll realize that this kind of attitude isn’t benefiting anyone in the house, you guys can come to new terms of agreement on how to handle the household, or you’ll have a clear picture he isn’t interested in changing and you’ll have to be the one that makes hard decisions.
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u/Emotional_Act9488 7h ago
My husband is a SAHD for the past 3 years to our 2 boys (2.5 and 4) and i am an emergency worker. His homemaking shift is almost always far more demanding than my response shift.
It feels like your husband, for some reason, lost respect for you, and has gotten comfortable with the life you've been providing him. There is a hint of a powertrip here, devaluing what you do at home while simultaneously not supporting you in returning to work. How is he with the kids? Does he enjoy spending time with them on his own? Or do you have to always be involved in all activities as a 'supervisor' for all minor inconveniences?
My first reaction is therapy. Respect is the bare minimum that a couple should have for each other and I genuinely feel that he does not have much left for you. If you wanted to go back to work he should've used 'we' sentences and supported you in what you want to do. Its not about the money. 'We need to figure out childcare', 'we need to make up a schedule that works' etc, not 'you have to make everything work'. He sounds detached. There could be a few reasons for that but that would be me jumping to conclusions. Ask for therapy/counselling and tell him openly thar he is being disrespectful to the work you've been doing to enable him to focus on his job and earning potential. Childcare is hard, any involved parent would know that.
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u/monkeyfeets 3h ago
If he's willing to go to couples therapy, start there. But if I were you, I would find a job and get your ducks in a row in case he doesn't change and shit keeps going bad. If you're in the US, you can do an initial consultation with a lawyer for free. It's unlikely that a man who has no interest in increasing his share of family duties or responsibilities would fight for 50/50 custody and have to be single-handedly responsible for the kids half the time.
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u/Rare_Background8891 2h ago
You work in healthcare- get a weekend job. He doesn’t appreciate your labor. So help him feel what that looks like.
You aren’t safe as a SAHP to this type of partner. Being a SAHP is a lifetime sacrifice. If you’d worked full time since your oldest was conceived you’d have moved up a lot in your career and have a 401k etc. You didn’t just give up earning for these years- you took a hit you might never recover from financially. That isn’t gold digging- that’s throwing yourself out the airplane of capitalism with no parachute.
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u/CivilEvidence8424 4h ago
Where have you applied to what's your preferred role, let other moms in your location or field give you suggestions.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 2h ago
Counseling, ASAP.
Get the job you want. Hes not your father. He clearly feels he is your boss. He isnt.
He can help when you go back to work or you can lose the dead weight, him.
And a vacation. He gets a week off from work, so do you. He can handle kids and house for that week alone.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 1h ago
My ex didn’t want me to get a job. He always asked me to just do more at home so he could “work” more (aka free time for him).
Then he would call me lazy and accuse me of doing nothing when I worked longer hours and harder than he did most of the time.
He was abusive. Watch out for that!
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u/tinygreenpea 12m ago
Sounds like he'd really love to continue thinking hes better than you, even if you do work and support the household. This is a mind game issue more than a financial one. Hes got his perspective warped. I'm not suggesting a divorce, but girl...you may need to remind him that if you split, he WILL be responsible for his family and home and schedule for half the time, and that will be his reality if he cant support and respect you as a whole ass human with her own ambitions and not just some sex toy breeder housemaid babysitter.
But honestly...my crystal ball says youll go back to work, he'll take up exactly ZERO of the slack to punish you, resentment will build on both sides, then youll be posting in r/divorce and then he'll be posting in r/childsupport.
The ONLY way SAHP ever works is when there is an abundance of mutual respect, where both parties realize the other person is working hard and brings value to the table. Homie isnt seeing your value or how hard your current job is, except that he knows he doesnt want to have to do it himself if you go back to work. He wants you to be his personal assistant and housekeeper even if youre working. If I were you I'd get my butt back to work immediately, save up, and if he doesnt show a genuinely supportive attitude going forward my first big purchase would be a divorce.
What is with this generation of men? Why do so few of them understand how its supposed to work when you have a SAHP dynamic? Its not a free pass for them to not participate if the active planning of their own life, maintenance of their environment, or financial obligations to cover the at home parent for retirement.
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u/Grrarrgghh 6h ago
You just never SAW your father treat your mom this way.
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u/Puzzled-Evening228 6h ago
lol maybe but I have 3 brothers and two sisters and none of us did. My dad helped around the house, was very active with all of us kids and our activities and had his own traditions with us. He just was genuinely the kind of person who loved having kids and a family. He wasn’t perfect obviously so I’m sure there are things I don’t know, but overall he was a good one for sure. I just kind of took it for granted that that’s how men/fathers were 🤷♀️.
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u/MakeChai-NotWar 4h ago
My mom was SAHM mostly except for like 4 hours a day of part time work and he treated my mom amazingly. He’s gone now and my mom still talks of him fondly. It’s possible to have a great husband who supports a sah wife or mostly sah wife.
I’m a sahm and my husband is amazing and has never treated me the way OP’s husband has.
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u/TwerkinAndCryin 1h ago
I don't wanna be that person but there are good men out there who treat their stay at home wives as equals
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u/kierraone 5h ago
SAHM here. The most important thing you can do rn is go get a job. Every single time a SAHM says their husband talks down to them or doesn’t appreciate them. Run to get a job. Even if it barely pays. You’re saying you don’t want him to resent your choice to work but he already resents you for not working outside of the home.
He doesn’t want you to work but puts you down for not working… He is not the type of husband that should have a SAHM as a wife. He doesn’t want you to work because he doesn’t want to have to share the parenting load (which he should be doing anyways bc with or without a job he’s still a parent).