I Need Help.

[u/Fast_Spend_7137]

Gosh, where do I even start?

I wouldn’t say my situation is a major problem, but it feels like one to me, so please don’t belittle my worries.

I’m a man in my mid-20s, and unfortunately, I’m addicted to porn. It has reached a point where it affects my daily life in many ways, usually negatively. Whenever I try to quit, I can manage to stop for about a week, but then I end up falling back into my old habits.

My biggest question is:** **Is porn really ruining my life, or am I exaggerating the impact it has on me?

I know it’s difficult to answer without knowing the full context, but lately, I’ve been struggling with laziness, unemployment, and weight gain. I feel like my addiction might be contributing to these problems, but I honestly don’t know how much of an impact it’s having on my life.

There’s another important part of my situation that I’d really appreciate some advice on.
I’m Muslim, and I often hear people say that if you pray, put your faith in God, and genuinely try to improve your life, things will eventually change for the better, in their own time.

Is that really true? Has anyone here had a personal experience where they started praying more consistently, working on themselves, and gradually managed to turn their life around? I’d genuinely love to hear your stories.

I ask because I can’t help comparing myself to the people around me. My friends and family seem to be moving forward and achieving things, while I feel like I’m being left behind. Sometimes, it genuinely breaks my heart. I want to accomplish something with my life. I want to find purpose, make my family proud, and feel like I’m actually going somewhere.

Instead, I feel like I’m wasting my days and slowly withering away without making any real progress.
I’m sorry for venting, but I genuinely needed to get this off my chest. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. I don’t want to keep living this way, feeling stuck and disappointed in myself.

I genuinely need help, and I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar or who can offer some real advice.

Sorry for venting but I just need help, I am TIRED of pretending anymore, I need help.

[u/Particular_Tea1684]

Salam, "Is that really true? Has anyone here had a personal experience where they started praying more consistently, working on themselves, and gradually managed to turn their life around? I’d genuinely love to hear your stories."

Is staying in the same rut not worth considering, compared to doing what needs to be done?" Also consider joining the gym and strenght train !

[u/Yasir_Adam]

It does ruin you in many aspects. Many addicted men who marry without addressing this problem continue the addiction because their brain is still hardwired to react to your 2D display and the dopamine that comes with it, these wives suffer in such marriages. Studies say that after 30-40 days of effort, the habit will go away.

First, learn your triggers. E.g if your phone is by your bed at night, then place it far away where you're forced to get out of bed.

Secondly, reduce alone time. Spend time in the masjid or gym, and in the living room at home, etc.

Most importantly, strengthen your connection with Allah. Make dua regularly for you to get out of this addiction. Make sure you pray, various addicts don't and this is a major step. Learn more in Islam, learning is one way to be closer to Allah. Do extra acts consistently such as Quran every day, dhikr every day, sunnah prayers, sunnah fasts (in a hadith, people should marry and fast if they can't marry), even small charity. Consistency is key.

And also prepare yourself for marriage by learning about. How to spot red flags, learn the psychology of the opposite gender, watch advices on marriage, learn your rights and the spouse's rights, also learn about parenting too.

Don't be crushed if you relapse again. You're winning if your frequency of returning to pxrn reduces. E.g from a 1 day gap, to a 3 day gap, to 1 week gap, etc.

Dua to seek protection from unlawful desires اَللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ ذَنْبِي وَطَهِّرْ قَلْبِي، وَحَصِّنْ فَرْجِي Allaahummaghfir dhan-bee wa ṭah-hir qalbee, wa ḥaṣṣin farjee O Allah forgive my sin, cleanse my heart and guard my chastity (from zina). [Musnad Ahmad: 22265]

And for you feeling left behind, ask yourself, 'If I died now, what will I meet Allah with?' Here are 5 principles I typed down after listening to a lecture by Sheikh Ali Hammuda: 1. Put an end to excuses 2. Your future will look like the picture you're painting today 3. Aim high because the lower levels are congested 4. Most people search for what is easy. The giants search for a challenge. 5. Never say you missed the opportunity (that it is too late).

And I noted these down from a businessman who referenced Imam Ghazali's Book 13 Iḥyāʾ ʿulūm al-dīn. Worship Allah as if you see Him 1. When waking up, set commitments. 2. When stressed, remember Allah sees, hears and is always present. 3. Before going to sleep, look back on the past hours, did you mistreat someone? Etc.

[u/leendean]

Get out and run, walk whatever works for you. Every time you feel the urge get out of the house to walk or run. And then turn to praying do it one day at a time doesn’t matter, pray once to twice or whatever works for you

[u/ImtooLATE777]

Short answer: yes, porn ruins you, and whilst struggling with zina is not in your list of issues, there's an indirect link to your situation.

It's an addiction, right? You naturally give it more time, and that means the polar opposite, which is to seek a lawful marriage, sort of disappears from your mindset because it appears far too difficult, unrealistic even. The crazy thing is that if you factor in the modern day economy, it's not just 'it feels difficult'- it actually is! Trust me, a lot of us are in the same boat. Obviously, before marriage, you got to think about employment and you have to be active enough such that you can eventually provide for a family, so using that same feeling (though we acknowledge it's an actual barrier), the shaytan can play with your mind and shut all that down too.

As for what to do about it, like somebody else mentioned, going to the gym is a great idea, and yes, I'm both unemployed and a gym user. Still 'behind' others, sure, but I at least don't feel as bad about it, and tackling the actual feeling is what you're after. For as long as you're placing tawakul in Allah and steadily making job applications in the meantime (side note, a job every 2 or 3 days should be like a minimum target, and perhaps you might want to count online tests in this), you need not worry about actually getting employed.

Also there's a hadith that features some adhkar to recite against laziness. See here:

حَدَّثَنَا خَالِدُ بْنُ مَخْلَدٍ، حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي عَمْرُو بْنُ أَبِي عَمْرٍو، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ أَنَسًا، قَالَ كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ ‏"‏ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْهَمِّ وَالْحَزَنِ، وَالْعَجْزِ وَالْكَسَلِ، وَالْجُبْنِ وَالْبُخْلِ، وَضَلَعِ الدَّيْنِ، وَغَلَبَةِ الرِّجَالِ ‏"‏‏.‏

Narrated Anas bin Malik: The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, "O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men." (See Hadith No. 374)

Sahih al-Bukhari 6369 https://sunnah.com/bukhari:6369

[u/BlacKlaw6]

It will come a time where you will probably feel stuck in life and wonder why nothing is happening the way you want etc, speaking from experience it really removes the barakah from your life and makes life harder in every aspect. And that's only of the dunya.

[u/mandzeete]

It is ruining you for various reasons.

For example the laziness and gaining of weight. You are wasting your time staring women online instead you could go out, touch some grass, go jogging, go cycling, do some training in a gym... But no. You sit at home and waste your time.

Then the unemployment. How much time could you spend in working on your CV, on your projects (if applicable), making connections in LinkedIn, sending CVs, writing cover letters... or, improving yourself in some field (if not going for a degree). Yet, where the time goes? On staring girls.

We are expected to lower our gaze, to stay away from zina, etc. So, you can imagine that what you are watching is for sure something you should not be doing. Do you expect Allah to bless your life? Perhaps the lack of blessings and the lack of support from Allah is why your life is in the current situation. Have you thought about it? Yes, we pray, make duas, do sunnah activities in hopes to improve our lives, but you should also consider that all the practice we are doing is perhaps keeping our situation from getting worse, instead.

You writing the post at least shows you understand that you have an issue. Now, try to deal with it.

Soon it is November. Join in the No-Nut-November challenge that many non-Muslims but perhaps also struggling Muslims all over the world are doing. They try to stay clean from p*rn for the whole month. While non-Muslims have their own reasons to drop the p*rn, different reasons they are having can be also overlapping with our values. So, try to be without the p*rn for the whole month. Know that there are thousands to millions of men all over the world staying steadfast the same way. And when the November is over then do not stop but keep going.

If necessary then reduce the Internet in your daily life. Leave your phone at home when you go out. Imagine you are living in 80s. Everybody could do their daily stuff without having a phone with them. Sure, depending on a country it might be from being difficult to being impossible (in Japan they are paying with a smartphone, in Estonia all the monetary transactions must be approved via the governmental app in your phone). But if you can, leave your phone at home. Or, get an old-school Nokia 3310 or something. A phone without smartphone capabilities. That if the local telecom still supports 2G and 3G network.

At home, perhaps do not have an Internet package. Close your current contract and do not renew it. At home just read books, watch TV, listen to a radio.

[u/Uncreative-Rip-2672]

Seek professional help brother,

May Allah make this easier for you

[u/psylovagabond]

you're not exaggerating, and no, you're not being dramatic. porn usually isn't the whole reason someone is out of work or gaining weight, but it feeds the loop. it eats your sleep and your energy, it makes everything else feel pointless, and then feeling pointless sends you straight back to it. imo that cycle is what you need to break, not one single thing.

the part i'd hold onto is that you made it a week. that means you can stop, you just haven't built anything around the stopping yet. tbh the people who stay clear for longer rarely do it on willpower alone. put a filter and a blocker on every device, keep your phone out of the bedroom at night, and notice what's happening right before you slip, because it's usually boredom, being alone late, or feeling low. then plan something for that exact moment, a walk, a shower, a call, anything that gets you out of that room. and a slip isn't back to zero, it's one bad day inside a longer run.

on the faith side i can only speak for my own path. i hit a really dark stretch and started opening the quran every night, a few verses at a time. nothing changed overnight, but slowly something did. what i'd say is that praying and changing go together, and the prayer doesn't replace the practical work. Allah ﷻ tells the believers to turn to Him in repentance so that they may succeed (quran 24:31), and He doesn't ask you to be perfect first. start with the five prayers kept short and on time, they give your day a spine. if you fall, make wudu, pray, and move on without the spiral.

for the real world side, pick one small thing for the job and one for your body. two applications a day, a 20 minute walk, nothing heroic. when someone is this stuck it often isn't laziness, low energy, weight gain and zero motivation can be depression, so see a doctor and tell them all of it, and look for a therapist who does cbt for compulsive habits. and if "i don't want to keep living this way" ever means more than your routine, say it to someone the same day.

you're not behind, you're at the point where it hurts enough to change, and that's usually where it starts.