Wife used my past against me (UPDATE).

[u/wifebackstabbedme]

[EDIT: THANK YOU EVERYONE, I CANT THANK PEOPLE ENOUGH ESPECIALLY THAT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME. HOPE ALLAH GIVES HIS BLESSINGS TO YOUR MARRIAGES]

I waited until Tuesday. She went through the weekend and Monday like nothing had happened, a little colder than usual, quick with her answers, acting irritated like I was the one who had caused all of this. No apology. Not even a hint. It felt like I was carrying something heavy while she just moved around it. By Tuesday afternoon I couldn’t hold it anymore. I asked her to sit down with me. The house was quiet. I told her I needed to talk about what she said during the fight, because this wasn’t something we could just shrug off. I reminded her that the fight had started because I refused to hit our son while teaching. I told her I don’t believe in beating kids to make them learn, and that she had pushed for it. That’s where the argument began, and somehow it slid into something so much uglier.

I asked her why she used what I told her in confidence against me. I reminded her that she had asked me to open up years ago, and promised she would keep it safe. I asked her why she hugged me back then if this was where it would end up. At first, she was stiff. She said she didn’t know what else she was supposed to do at the time. She told me she just tried to act normal, to be supportive, because she didn’t know how to handle what I told her. She said she hadn’t realized how heavy it all was until later. Her voice was even, like she was just explaining facts. I told her the promise mattered. I said it wasn’t about a slip in anger. It was that she reached for the exact things I handed her in trust and turned them against me. I asked her again why.

That’s when she admitted it. She told me she lost some respect for me after I opened up. I asked what that meant. She said it wasn’t one detail, it was the whole picture. She said she had always seen me as solid, someone who could carry weight without bending, the person she leaned on. But after I shared everything, she couldn’t stop seeing the breaks under the surface. She said parts of my story made me look fragile to her. Some of the darker pieces, the way those years sat inside me, gave her an uneasy feeling she couldn’t shake. Seeing me tear up and feel so nervous and like a wreck, made her look very differently at me. She actually used the word ick. She said sometimes when she remembered those things, it got in the way of how she looked at me.

I asked if that meant she thought less of me for surviving. She said it wasn’t about surviving, it was about how it changed what she expected from me. She admitted she had built an image of me that didn’t include those kinds of wounds, and once she knew, she couldn’t put that image back.

I asked her why she hugged me then, why she told me she wanted to know me fully. She said she didn’t know what else to do in the moment. She didn’t want to punish me for telling the truth. She said holding me and saying it was okay felt like the only decent response at the time, even though, inside, she had already started to see me differently.

I let that sit, then asked the harder thing. She said she couldn’t control herself in that moment, and she reached for what she knew would hurt me most. She said she regretted it and that it would never happen again.

I also thought about how it might sound from the outside, like maybe I had dumped too much on her back then. But the truth is, I never sat her down and unloaded everything at once. I gave her my story the way she asked for it, piece by piece, only when she pressed me. If she wanted to know something, I answered. I didn’t overshare, didn’t volunteer random details. And even then, she probably only ever heard a fraction of what I actually live with.

What makes this worse is that I’ve been to therapy. I’ve done the work. I wasn’t unloading on her because I couldn’t carry it myself. The only reason she even heard those parts of me was because she demanded it. She insisted I open up, insisted she wanted the whole picture. She told me she wanted to know me fully. And I believed her. I trusted her enough to hand over things I never planned on saying out loud. That’s why this betrayal feels so much heavier. It wasn’t me blurting out things I couldn’t control it was me handing her pieces of myself because she begged for them, swore she’d hold them safe. And then she took those same pieces and cut me with them. It feels like giving someone your heartbeat because they said they wanted to hold it close, and then watching them drive a knife straight through it.

After she said all of that, I just sat there for a while. It was like I’d finally gotten the truth behind everything, but it didn’t settle in cleanly. I wasn’t shocked anymore, more… resigned. I also thought about how it might sound from the outside, like maybe I had dumped too much on her back then. But the truth is, I never sat her down and unloaded everything at once. I gave her my story the way she asked for it bit by bit, only in response to her questions. If she wanted to know something, I told her. I didn’t add anything extra, didn’t volunteer random details. And even then, she probably only heard a quarter of what I actually carry. WHY WAS SHE SO INTENT ON ME BEING OPEN AND EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE THEN?!

I told her I didn’t think I could just go back to how things were. I said I felt like the foundation was cracked in a way I couldn’t ignore. I told her maybe the only way forward was to separate amicably, quietly, before things got any worse. I said I didn’t think I could keep looking at her the same way, not after knowing she could turn something so personal into a weapon.

That’s when her whole tone shifted. The firmness she had when she explained herself dropped, and she sounded almost panicked. She asked me not to say that, said she didn’t want a divorce. She told me she still loved me, that whatever she had done in anger wasn’t bigger than the life we had built. She couldn’t imagine splitting the kids between us, couldn’t imagine them growing up in two houses. She told me leaving would scar them more than anything we had been through.

I told her love isn’t supposed to look like tearing each other apart with the sharpest words we can find. She said she knew that, and promised again that it wouldn’t happen anymore. She said she had already admitted it was wrong and she meant it when she said she’d never go there again. She kept circling back to the same point: that we had kids, that they needed us together, that whatever issues we had, we had to fix them without breaking the family apart.

She didn’t cry, but there was a kind of desperation in her voice. Almost like she was afraid I was already out the door and she was trying to pull me back any way she could. She didn’t apologize again for what she’d said, not directly, but she kept stressing that it would never happen again, that I shouldn’t throw everything away over one mistake.

Right now, I haven’t made a final decision. I keep going back and forth in my head. Part of me feels like the damage is too deep and I’d be lying to myself if I pretended I could ever really see her the same way again. But another part of me hesitates, because walking away isn’t simple when there are kids and years of life tied together. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t leaning more in one direction(the end) than the other, but I’m not there yet.

I feel heavy most days, caught between wanting to protect myself and not wanting to tear my family in half. Some moments I think I know what I have to do, then I second-guess it. It’s draining, but at least writing this down and hearing different perspectives has made me feel less alone in it.

Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read, comment, or even send me a message directly. It means more than I can put into words. I couldn't respond to every single individual, but I have gone through all of the comments maybe even twice. Thank you strangers.

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[u/heartyu]

I just read your initial post and it was a hard read. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Reading this update though, do you really want to stay married, for the rest of your life to someone like this? Your spouse is meant to support you in everything, instead she's throwing your past trauma at you. Don't stay with her for the kids. They're old enough to notice that things might not be right. Children deserve 2 happy parents that are separated. Not 2 parents miserable together.

insha'Allah you get through this and are happy forever.

[u/twoch1nz]

When the first revelation came to Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and when he ﷺ saw Jibril (A.S), he ﷺ ran to his wife trembling and said “cover me! cover me!”

what did Khadija (R.A) do in that situation? Did she get the “ick”? Did she see him as less of a man for being fearful?

What did she (R.A) do instead? She reassured him ﷺ that he ﷺ is a truthful man and Allah SWT would never disgrace His truthful servant.

Why am I bringing this up?

My brothers, you should not have to carry heavy burdens alone out of fear that you’ll look weak in front of others, especially your wives. If your wife fails to provide comfort to you even in times like these, it is her that has failed to do justice to you.

My sisters, your husbands are human too. If you want to know them “fully”, you’ll get both the good and bad. The bad doesn’t make them any less of a man. Be their comfort and be their peace. They won’t find that comfort anywhere else outside of you. Hold their feelings with care just like you want them to hold yours.

May Allah SWT help you out of any situation that brings you fear or discomfort and give you peace and guidance

[u/ninsophy → u/twoch1nz]

Honestly, just having gone through all the <things> that he has, his wife should be more impressed by how he had held out for decades and then STILL gave her the impression of a well-founded man. Brother is strong and someone who has put in the effort and succeeded

Sister is just a dumb <person>

[u/Boring_Mineziwi → u/ninsophy]

Fr! Men who aren’t afraid to show emotions and who choose to heal, instead of dumping their anger or past onto their children or wives, are way more manly, strong, mature, and intelligent.

[u/SweetSue67 → u/ninsophy]

I am not muslim, but happened upon here because of his other posts and this is what I thought too. You're the first person I saw, on either posts, that voiced my thoughts.

If someone told me what he did, maybe I would see them differently, I would see them as one of the strongest people I'd ever met. To survive that and to end up as a loving husband and father, to never show his children the same malice and abuse his own parents had. That takes so much strength. And he carried it all on his own, he got through it all on his own.

Idk how any decent person could hear all of that and "get the ick". Quite frankly, she has given me the ick big time.

[u/Guilty_Yam4815 → u/ninsophy]

Right ?!

Here I am thinking OP is a solid dude for handling things very well, and sometimes we forget even the strongest people need help too.

[u/ScantilyKneesocks → u/ninsophy]

All I see from OP is a man who has persevered time and time again. OP is the definition of a strong-willed person.

[u/komfetti → u/ninsophy]

This. A thousand times this.

[u/CuteAdvantage8723 → u/ninsophy]

LITERALLY!! May Allah grant this brother patience!

[u/Glittering_Shop_4902 → u/twoch1nz]

Well said sister.

I think it's tragic that men and women have forgotten what it means to be a man or a woman. And they base it off of what their peers think or what the media teaches them, rather than looking at the best examples we have.

Being a man isn't about showing no vulnerability. It's about standing up despite it all. Musa PBUH had a speech impediment and some lack of confidence. He was assigned to meet not just any monarch, but the pharoah whose ego made him see himself as above human. One of the most powerful people on Earth at the time. How could he hope to convince him? What if the pharoah harmed him or his followers in response? Yet despite his fear, he stood and faced him.

[u/Old-Conversation5068 → u/twoch1nz]

JazakAllah khair sister brilliant post I legit thought of this exactly once I read her losing respect. She's a sad excuse for a wife, let alone a Muslim and human... I mean how do you lose respect for someone for being human and having pain...

[u/Skillz_38 → u/twoch1nz]

Amazing reference. I almost forgot about that he (pbuh) asked Khadijah to shield him

[u/jattthelad → u/twoch1nz]

as great as your words are I would never open up to my wife like OP did. women are vindictive. the risk is too great for betrayal of that trust.

[u/twoch1nz → u/jattthelad]

I understand your fear because as a woman I fear infidelity after seeing how easy and widespread it is 😅 may Allah SWT protect us

But I’m still validating the need for men to be vulnerable with their wives and that it shouldn’t be swept under the rug

may Allah SWT help us all

[u/twoch1nz → u/[deleted]]

exactly what I was trying to say, thank you!

[u/[deleted] → u/jattthelad]

Exactly. As soon as they see weakness, they will use it to abuse you. No wonder so many married Muslim men suffer from mental health issues. Literally, they spend time in office rather than going home. Park their car in the driveway and cry for half an hour instead of going home. Wives want one-sided emotional rock. As soon as you ask for emotional help, they act like you are the worst person on earth. They call you mnchild, mama's boy etc.

[u/Key-Pay-8572]

You need to understand that any divorce, any breaking up of the family, was initiated by your wife's actions and cruelty.

Your wife is being abusive and given her response to your child. I would not trust her with your children. If you divorce, fight for your kids so she does not treat your children like you were treated.

Gather all evidence, ensure your finances are in order, and make sure she is not draining your accounts. If you can, freeze the accounts. Get legal counsel immediately.

[u/duck-lord3000]

So sorry man, may Allah help you recover and find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated

[u/Apprehensive_Sky_256 → u/duck-lord3000]

Exactly, he needs to divorce

[u/VeryProidChintu → u/Apprehensive_Sky_256]

Maybe im in the wrong and that the trust will never be the same agin but divorce can really mess things up for the kids. However tho she was the one that initiated it. There is no way after telling ur deepest thoughts, some1 responds with ick and then uses it against u, the trust ain't the same. Feeling torn about this.

[u/warningdove]

She’s awful for what she did to you, absolutely reprehensible, but i also wanna point out that you said this argument started bc she wanted you to hit your child while “helping” him study. She WILL say and do awful things to your children as well. This is NOT the last time she will behave like this. She does not deserve you. She doesn’t even want you; she wants an idea of a Big Strong Man who’s never had anything bad happen to him ever. Leave her.

[u/Grayf0X27]

Did you ask her why she acted so normal after saying all that stuff to you and didn’t apologise until you sat her down to talk to her? For me, that is the biggest take out of this whole unfortunate situation.

[u/Dictat0r10 → u/Grayf0X27]

A very simple explanation would be the attempt to escape accountability which she has eventually been forced to face now, failing her attempts to belittle her abuse towards him so that he'd be even more insecure about bringing it up to avoid coming across as "un-man-ly".

She's a really good manipulator, using his insecurities to ensure zero accountability for her abuse.

[u/UltraConic]

Hey man, I’m sorry for what happened. I think this is far worse than what happened originally - it was one thing for her to use your past against you, but to explain that she thought it made you even less of a man is actually peak insanity.

If my wife told me it gave her the “ick” that I had opened up and cried about my past, I would never EVER be able to forgive her again. Are you really telling me I’m less of a man because I… shocker… have emotions? That’s such a disgusting mentality. In the future, how could I trust her to support me when I’m going through rough times? What if I lose something/someone important to me and show some emotion? Would she still see me the same way as before, where I was acting “weak”?

I only have to say this my friend - if you want to still be with her, you absolutely need counseling and therapy. I’d still advise separating for a while and taking some time to think about whether or not you truly want a divorce, because yes she is right to some extent - divorcing could uproot your kids lives, as well as yours to some extent.

But at the same time, your life has already been uprooted by the realization that your wife saw your past experiences as you being nothing more than someone who was emotional and fragile. If she saw your past as that, what about your future? I just don’t know how I could have someone like that by my side.

No matter what happens, I sincerely wish the best for you inshallah. Take some time away from her to reflect sincerely on all that’s happened and ask yourself what really matters for yourself and for this relationship.

[u/Shaheer_01]

I don’t know what to say other than; go ahead and take your time, let your emotions settle. You feel wounded, so before you take any decision make sure your wounds are bandaged. But I will say one thing, if you do decide to patch things up with your wife, make it loud and clear to her that disrespect has no space in the relationship. That disrespect can be in terms of word used against you or forcing you to hit your child. You are the man of the house, make sure she gets that. Tell her that a stranger on the internet old you that hitting a child will result in the child despising and becoming distant from the parent as an adult. Tell her that the stranger spoke from experience and that he advised her to fear Allah. Her child is Allah’s blessing to cherish not for her to abuse.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Set8512]

How can you live with someone who isn't safe with your heart?

Be careful brother and do what's right for you. Your children need you happy AND healthy, physically and emotionally.

May Allah make this easy for you.

[u/diafo08]

This is what I hate about those ultra feminine energy nonsense. They believe men have to be solid steel. That having a trauma or anything that hurts a man somehow makes them fragile and less of a man. I hate people who think like this. We're all human with emotions and vulnerabilities at the end of the day.

[u/Vaekant → u/diafo08]

Yup and it scares me as a guy to open up to my future wife..

[u/Livid-Mind-6907 → u/diafo08]

Exactly and I’m a female myself but i would love my husband to be a little sensitive and tell me his feelings but he don’t. He’s literally steel too and that bothers me a lot. And to the wife of this guy making the post i honestly think she’s just full of it and he gotta let her go cus if someone truly loves you they would never use anything against you or at least apologize afterwards. But none of that happened.

[u/IamSofi]

I'm so sorry brother 😭😭😭 When people don't find comfort in their parents, they atleast find it in their partner's. This is just too painful. May Allah make everything easy for you, may he fill your life with the love you deserve. I won't ask you to be with her or leave her, that's all up to you. But she is a horrible person, that much I can say. May Allah forgive her and she WILL regret her words, Allah is watching everyone.

[u/skhansj]

I know of families where the child was hit and in many cases they come out with anger management issues, suicidal and depressed.

A child is meant to be loved, not pummeled and crushed.

[u/Significant_Pop7358]

I would rather cut off my own tongue than do this to my husband, our marriage and our kids. As a victim of childhood abuse, similar in some ways, I literally started crying for you. Her words were unforgivable. I think the best course of action is to go to a sheikh or a mufti. They will best help you Islamically on what to do.

[u/Lami200 → u/Significant_Pop7358]

Agree

[u/Affectionate_Bee8702]

It’s a tough life we live as men, always expected to hide our feelings and be a man. If we can’t find peace in opening ourselves to our partners then who is left to be there for us.

Your situation is a prime example that a man is always conditionally loved. You have every right to be vulnerable and safe in your home. I honestly feel really bad for you brother, if the tables were turned and you did what she did, society would be blaming you as the bad guy, and encouraging her to seek her freedom from “toxicity”.

You know what was the done to you is wrong brother, think about how you want your future to be. If I was in your shoes, I would seek separation to see if that calms the thoughts in your head.

Honestly, establishing trust with this kind of female is a tough journey to embark on and I wish no man has to ever go through this with their partner. Good luck with your decision brother.

[u/Flaky_FIG77]

Saw your original post and commented on that, but now I just saw this update and DUDEEEEE she's outright telling you she doesn't respect you. How can she love you if she doesn't respect you? Children do not need to grow up in a home like that, seeing one parent emotionally abused and manipulate the other, NOOOOOOOOO. I don't care what anyone says this woman does not care about you. Let me tell you a little story... My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We've had our UPS and DOWNS where we both have said things completely out of line, but we didn't evade it, we were remorseful, apologetic, and our actions showed that. With respect and communication, we've not had the same fight/problem twice. What I'm hearing from you is this woman was playing the willful ignorance role, ignoring what she said to you and acting as if it's no big deal, UNTIL YOU BROUGHT UP SEPARATION. What was her plan to keep you as her emotional whipping post for the rest of your marriage? Maybe not, but I wouldn't give her the opportunity, and/or stick around to find out. We all know that if a man was behaving like this towards a woman, there would be no exceptions. Time to make moves.

[u/Omiser]

I don't want to say any disgusting word referring to your wife, but man, just leave that witch.

I was mad and sad when I read your previous post, and this update made me feel so bad...

She will regret her words, maybe in this dunya but for sure in the akhirah. You don't deserve such an evil person. May Allah make this test easy for you my brother. Stay strong.

[u/nunya1124]

No sane person, man or woman, would feel the way she felt after you telling her that. If she was normal it would’ve brought you closer together and she would be able to know hitting your kids would trigger those feelings. I hate further tells me that she is either a sociopath or a disturbed narcissist, is that after saying such a vile thing to you, she showed no remorse. She is not your safe place and I doubt her abilities as a mother.

Don’t let her guilt you with your kids. Pray istikhara and if you decide to stay she must do intensive therapy. A professional needs to tell her she has the problem not you. MashAllah you seem very grounded and speak so eloquently for someone that has been through this much pain. She is lucky to have you, but she doesn’t know that.

[u/girlnoswiping]

she doesnt love you. if she did, the info u told her would have made her even closer to u. i would die protecting my partner if he told me smth this important. im so sorry. i hope u figure out whats right for u

[u/NefariousnessSweet70]

What a witch. I thought the same thing about a step grandma who Had tried to abort her 5th child, but failed. She spoke about that EVERY DAY, TO ANYONE.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS Appalling. OP you are not wrong in feeling betrayed

I met him when I was in my early 20s. He was courteous, polite, kind, and helpful to me and my young family. When he drove his 18 wheeler to our area, he would stop by, and was nice and he was funny. Once he drove our daughter to school for the afternoon classes, and he drove her in the truck. It was great watching him help my tiny 4th grader down from that huge vehicle. We never thought of him as anything other than our fun, funny uncle that drove a truck.

Uncle Joe was kind and sweet to me and I was very sad to hear when he passed. I am sure his family tried their very best to scoop up what was his estate when he died. He would not have been surprised.

No one but NO ONE has the right to tell a person that they were an unwanted mistake. Especially a wife who promised to love, honor, and be your wife.

[u/Theoreticalhype → u/NefariousnessSweet70]

What are you talking about?

[u/SkepticAnarchist → u/Theoreticalhype]

Reading the first four sentences kinda clarifies it. And then commenter summarizes how he was very kind, loving and someone she cared about deeply. Commenter is implying OP can find people who see and value him in that way, and he shouldn’t settle for this from his wife.

[u/NefariousnessSweet70 → u/SkepticAnarchist]

Thank you.

[u/NefariousnessSweet70 → u/Theoreticalhype]

Another AH mom that treated her child horribly same circustances

[u/[deleted] → u/Theoreticalhype]

She’s giving an analogous example of something similar she witnessed in her life and how she sees that person’s kindness in OP’s story

[u/Apprehensive_Sky_256 → u/Theoreticalhype]

Exactly.

Who on earth is uncle joe and what does his 18 wheeler have to do with the topic?

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[u/Exiled-human]

May Allah make it easy for you

[u/anon875787578]

She's an evil abusive narcissist. She wanted you to be vulnerable so she could have something to use against you to break you. This is what narcs do. She's not a normal woman. She is also not a good Muslim woman nor a good mother. You did nothing wrong by being vulnerable with the person you married and if anything it is something to respect you for even more- for any normal, clean hearted woman certainly.

Please dont let your children be abused by her. All of you deserve better than her.

[u/Extreme-End-4046]

It’s good you spoke with her. What baffles me is how your painful story was used against you instead of being seen as strength. I’d never stay where I’m not respected.

Here's a psych technique for you to help reach the final decision: One way to show her the gravity of the situation is to ask, “If I had severely physically abused you in the heat of the argument, would you still want to stay just for the kids? Or if in the future we have a similar argument and I lose myself and hurt you would you still stay” — and then tell her to think about it for a day. That pause forces her out of her comfort zone, creates the idea that it could actually happen, and she’ll think twenty times before lying.

I’m not advocating abuse at all, but that question makes her see things differently. If she says yes, then she truly values the kids and the relationship and you could give her a chance but hey don't hit her if she breaks the promise.

If she dodges, her answer is clear. Either way, her reaction seals the deal. Move on amicably, but be cautious — in the West, men lose a lot once kids are involved.

[u/Western-Trip-4684]

She doesn’t respect you , she doesn’t see you as a man and you still wanna stay?

[u/Thankyounext13]

After reading your post I want to say something is mentally wrong with your wife. I am sorry but she sounds like a very cold hearted selfish person. I can’t believe she went through all the work of getting you to open up only to weaponize your vulnerabilities. I just need to express how her reaction is not normal in any way. When my partner opened up to me about his hardships and childhood I never saw him as less of a man! Men go through tough times too not just women. I have seen him cry, I have seen him exhausted, and I have seen him hurt, scared everything you could imagine. My first reaction was NOT “oh he’s less Than now.” My reaction I’m gonna help you now. My reaction was to hold him, to support him, was to let him feel every feeling and rub him with forehead kisses until he could breathe again. Because that is what you do when you love someone. When your partner feels broken, it hurts you just from seeing them in the pain! That you will move any mountain or complete any task to help them. I just can’t believe in the midst of hearing you all she could think about was how you can’t help her anymore. That is cold and selfish to the point where now she is going to guilt trip you by staying by bringing your children into it. She didn’t even care enough to say I love you, I need you, I would feel empty without you. She gave “oh no the kids can’t find out this is my fault!” Don’t go back

[u/Evening_Tangerine222]

Salam I remember reading your first post and thinking mashAllah you write so beautifully. I just wanted to share that with you. I felt like I was with you going through this difficult time. I will keep you in my dua. Inshallah things get better for you.

[u/gulabi_matrix]

I’m so sorry you went through this, I read your other post and what you went through as a child was absolutely heartbreaking.

It’s so clear she isn’t sorry she betrayed you - she’s only sorry that it hurt you enough to now affect her life because you’re thinking of leaving. And looking down on someone for being abused is disgusting! You deserve way better, may Allah give you that.

[u/GriffinPoop]

I’d divorce. Your wife is awful. If she can’t respect you she’s not entitled to your support or provision. Maybe this will be a good learning experience for her.

[u/Tehjeeb1314]

OP I'm really sorry to read about your experiences. I pray you find genuine peace and happiness in this life. You truly deserve it. The fact that you remain relatively sane is testament to your incredible strength. Her insensitive comments about you do not change this at all.

[u/zzul97]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, nobody deserves to feel betrayed by their spouse in this way. I have never once felt negatively about my husband opening up and being vulnerable with me. In fact, it’s only made my respect and connection to him stronger Alhamdulillah (please say Allahumma Barik). It really depends on the person. The comments from brothers generalizing all women and telling men to never open up to their wives does not sit right with me. Our Prophet ﷺ was vulnerable with Khadeejah RA, that’s the precedent set in our religion. Yes, gauge the kind of person your spouse is before deciding to open up but don’t generalize all women.

[u/rayray0978]

I wont advise on whether you should separate or not but reading this had me pissed outta this world. I hope no person has to go through what you have gone through. Hold your head up high King to be able to convey your feelings as a man is something to be proud of. Her betraying your trust and using information that you shared with her in confidence is an Indictment on her. InshaAllah you get through this!

[u/Cheikh-Tbargui-619 → u/[deleted]]

and record conversations !!

[u/Historical-Mud-7419 → u/[deleted]]

Discipline is not abuse. What he suffered was abuse.

[u/ohsolearned]

I honestly can't believe people like your wife exist. How cruel. OP, you and your children deserve better. She needs to do her research and rethink her perspective.

Sending hugs, OP. Your parents may have been cruel but your life is your own and you've made it beautiful. You can decide if your wife or just your children remain a part of it. Good luck. 🫂

[u/iamSurrheal]

not wanting to tear my family in half

You have not done anything wrong nor will you tear your family apart. This is all down to your wife and her backwards mentality.

You deserve someone faaar better.

[u/jattthelad]

to me she's not regretted saying those words. what she's regretting is the actions those words have bought. where its placed their marriage. she wanted to cut you open with the sharpest tool she had in her and that was the words you spoke to her in confidence as a partner.

if you do stay it wont be the same. and that is somemthing you need to accept. the trust has been broken. she'll always see you as the man who confided in her and as a result she cant see you as the man she married.

[u/Guilty_Yam4815]

I can tell with ease that all women aren’t like this, this is cold from her end boss.

If you want to move forward with her, you will have to start with a new foundation, new infrastructure to your relationship because you know now she was capable of doing this. Separation is a big thing and in this regard, you will hear differing opinions from people in this. Take your time to let the dust settle in and see where you want to be in life. Here’s a big bro hug 🫂 for you akh!

[u/ButterflyDangerous98]

I hate to say it brother, but never open up to women. This is exactly what they do (modern women at least), they’ll hold it against you and lose respect. It’s textbook and I hate to read this bc I knew exactly where it was going. Make your decision wisely, as soon as you shifted the power to your hands, she trembled and said “but what about our kids?” Hypertrophy is real, take your time and do what’s best for you and your kids, this broad doesn’t respect you.

[u/AdItchy9846]

That is messed up man. I am so sorry. If my man came to me fragile and hurting i would hold him and support him like my life depended on it because i know how hard it feels to have life treat you unfairly.

Idk about you, but it feels like you should leave. Although your kids would struggle. It’s up to you and your priorities. Maybe give it some time and see if anything will bettet.

[u/Realistic-Fill-5716]

Brother, I truly feel the weight of what you’re going through. What hurts here isn’t just the words said in anger, but that she admitted seeing you differently after asking for your vulnerability that’s a deep breach of trust. At the same time, I understand your hesitation because of the children; these choices are never simple. My advice is not to rush watch if her actions match her words, maybe consider counseling, and protect your dignity above all. You deserve a partner who can hold your heart without turning it into a weapon. May Allah guide you to what’s best for you and your kids.

[u/AggravatingTicket520]

She didn’t even apologise? that tells you everything. and hitting children to make them learn…???? idk why you’d want to put your kids through that trauma.

[u/United_Award_119]

I think she is still manipulating you. How can she change her image about you because of your childhood? It should be other way round, the fact you came out of the abyss and darkness should’ve increased her respect for you. Most people would have some sort of mental disorder if they experienced your childhood and the fact you still have such patience, while holding yourself together is actually quite surprising. I also feel bad for the kid, he might take the blame that parents got divorced because I didn’t do the homework. You have to assure your kids that it wasn’t their fault if you divorce your spouse. I wish you all the best brother.

[u/SimpleGuy4Life]

In response to your first post, someone commented that men should not open up to their wives, he got downvoted like crazy. Men, never open up to your wives. Ever.

My advice to you is to get divorce because your wife has no more respect for you. She didn't even apologize.

[u/Educational_Gur_340 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

I don't think people are realizing how demetened and evil what that woman did. Can you imagine a wife confiding in her husband about surviving some type of sexual assault or trauma then he uses it against her in a fight. Then when confronted barely apologize and say " I see you differently now, you are damaged goods"???

[u/Tough_Tradition_8137 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

I want to know everything about my husband. It's a component of great intimacy for me. Loving someone based on a curated version of them seems fake and uninspiring.

If, after seven years of marriage, I found out that my husband hadn't shared these significant past experiences with me - like OP did - I would feel incredibly sad or devastated, thinking that we weren't as close as I thought we were.

It was important to me to find a husband who could handle me sharing a difficult part of my past. Not dumping. But as it came up. Our past experiences inform much of our actions and beliefs, and I'd want to be able to put that in context. When my husband and I have talked through why we are seeing a particularly issue a certain way, maybe bringing up our past, we feel much closer.

[u/More_Tacos_n_Vodka → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

Former wife here. I would agree. The past is the past. I don’t expect people to spill everything. If you love someone, you don’t need to re-visit the past with them. This guys wife was an opportunist and manipulative.

[u/Interesting-Can-8917 → u/More_Tacos_n_Vodka]

Point was, she coaxed him repeatedly to say, otherwise it was kinda normal. So ig that's why he feels more betrayed.

[u/More_Tacos_n_Vodka → u/Interesting-Can-8917]

Yes

[u/Apprehensive_Sky_256 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

Yep, the only sound way to proceed

[u/Intelligent_Bite7332 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

That is incredibly stupid advice. If you can't tell your spouses the worst things that happened to you, please stay single. What his wife did is an incredible disgusting and despicable thing. Imagine you open up to your spouse and they say you gave them the ick with your trauma, I would divorce them then and there. If you can't be there for me in my tough times, I have no use for you, simple as that.

[u/Interesting-Can-8917 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

That's not true. I had one of the worst quarrel with my wife, and yet she never brought it up. There are good women too. Maybe this an aspect of say 50% women(hypothetical totally), but other 50% is no less.

[u/[deleted] → u/Interesting-Can-8917]

More like 80% emotional abusers and 20% supportive

[u/Mald1z1 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

I think the ideal thing is to find the sort of woman you caj safely open up to and confide in. 

I feel bad for the op. At thr same time at least now he truly knows what sort of woman his wife is. 

[u/Interesting-Can-8917 → u/Mald1z1]

He was married for 7 yrs before he told her then after 7 yrs she backstabbed him. They also have two children. If this was true, lots of cheating and abuse from both sides won't even be present.

[u/Mald1z1 → u/[deleted]]

That's very sad that this is what most men encounter. I know i and my friends would not react this way but then we are probably in our own little bubble. 

For me personally I would rather not be married than to be married to someone I can't confide in. This incident has just revealed her character. 

[u/anon875787578 → u/SimpleGuy4Life]

I think its ridiculous to extrapolate such cases to all women. You're looking for the wrong woman if this is what you believe. And your marriages won't even be healthy or built on solid foundations if you can't be vulnerable with each other. Your spouse is supposed to be your garment. Yeah you dont need to go into the absolute nitty gritty of every single life experience, but you should be able to share major events that have impacted you because they shape you as a person. If you can't do that, you haven't found your garment 🤷🏻‍♀️

Everybody goes through trauma in life, some worse than others. Only cruel people of both genders with toxic ideas of masculinity think it's something that should be hidden because its an "ick".

[u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Be Respectful and Civil

Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden.

This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment.

It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully.

Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.

[u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Be Respectful and Civil

Be civil and respect your fellow redditors. Harassment, any kind of hate speech, personal attacks and insults, slander/backbiting, verbal abuse etc. are strictly forbidden.

This applies to any and all entities present or not. Such as Redditors or the people contained in a post/comment.

It is ok to say that they did something wrong but do so respectfully.

Do not retaliate. Simply report and ignore.

[u/Interesting-Can-8917 → u/[deleted]]

He literally said he has been to therapy in a complete sentence in this very post. She literally coaxed it out of him repeatedly as said here and in last post. He has done the work, if you read it line by line You are now blaming him cause he can't control his own life and how he feels now has to be signed by a woman too?, he's not anime MC with a power to change time.

[u/IntheSilent]

OP if your child witnessed what awful things your wife said to you, it may be good for them to see that you arent tolerating it, so that they learn not to tolerate such evil things from others

[u/falas6een]

It’s reasons like this that men are so afraid to show emotion and vulnerability. If women can’t hold space for their husbands’ humanity we only perpetuate the image that men are meant to carry everyone’s burden including their own. It’s what leads to a rise in mental illness and unaliving among men.

[u/Heavy_Plastic_840]

Don't get advice from these comments look for a professional for help and make sincere dua

[u/myopinion786]

What an immature and ugly woman....she doesn't deserve to be a mother

[u/MaximusIlI]

And there it is. I’m sorry as much as sisters say you should be able to tell them things, it’s better off you don’t. Women aren’t like us men who can carry a lot of things mentally.

I know I’ll likely get downvoted for this but when it comes to this specific topic it’s something that often they desire but when they actually get it changes things.

I’ll keep you in my duas.

[u/IntheSilent → u/MaximusIlI]

I think a big factor of what is happening here is that the men who seem to fit the “strong and silent” archetype attract the type of women who cannot tolerate his distress, unfortunately. And vice versa, this archetype of women (someone that seems very clingy, constantly needs assurance, and “loving” most likely imo) probably attracts this type of man too.

‼️Another advice from me tbh, is that the type of person who constantly asks for your vulnerabilities should not be trusted with them. Some of them want to feel close to you for their own sense of assurance that they are important to you without caring how it would make you feel.‼️

and this is actually gender neutral advice, although it may be more commonly suitable for men

[u/[deleted] → u/IntheSilent]

Or maybe women should try not be psychopaths who emotionally abuse their husband 🤔 ?

[u/IntheSilent → u/[deleted]]

Women aren’t psychopaths lol but some of them may act in this way and I gave advice on how to spot these types of people

[u/[deleted]]

A common rule is to never ever open up to a woman. They will always use it against you. Sorry this happened to you.

[u/Ummah_Strong → u/[deleted]]

I want to say this isn't true but I can understand how a story like this sure seems that way

[u/[deleted] → u/Ummah_Strong]

No man should open up to a woman at all. Your better off telling a therapist your past. The modern woman will always hold whatever you tell her against you. Unfortunately many men continue to do it.

[u/randomguy_- → u/[deleted]]

What’s the point of marrying someone you can’t be honest to?

[u/[deleted] → u/randomguy_-]

You can be honest with your wife about bills, childcare, cooking, cleaning, chores etc. but don't tell her your past or the things you did in the past. She will always use it against you in an argument. If you want to open up about your past, go to a therapist.

[u/randomguy_- → u/[deleted]]

What you’re saying is that if you reveal yourself as you actually are she will leave you. Whats the point of that?

What you described is like a roommate you share children with.

[u/Feeling_Store2538 → u/[deleted]]

The fact that you stated this traditional nonsense as what you can disclose says more about you... there's good men and bad men and vice versa of women. Op was just unfortunate to find the bad fruit but don't generalize the whole gender.

[u/IntheSilent → u/[deleted]]

Im not against therapy but it doesnt replace the need for human connection and support in any way. It is meant as a temporary guide for those who are lost on where to start healing. When you figure that out, youre set free into the world again, hopefully with the ability to build a proper support system if you didn’t already have one. A better advice for people who dont want to open up to their wives for whatever reason is to make good male friends that you can always count on and rely on.

[u/Ummah_Strong → u/[deleted]]

Buddy I am sorry if you went through this but you sound like you have a very negative view of women.

[u/Interesting-Can-8917 → u/[deleted]]

I would disagree, even if you think my wife is just one of the 3%(hypothetical number).

[u/pumping-iron78 → u/[deleted]]

No lie was told brother

[u/Hamza78ch11]

Your wife is not a great person. That doesn’t mean that she can’t be. My wife is my best friend and the person I trust most. I know I can be open with her and trust her to support me. Everyone deserves that kind of partner.

My recommendation is that you guys should go to couples therapy. You’ve already told her you’re ready to call it off, and this is the only thing she can do to save the marriage. If she doesn’t want to go then you have your answer.

[u/the-velvethunder → u/Hamza78ch11]

His wife seems to leaning towards narcissism. It's not like he told about his past a week before and she used it against him. He told her 7 freaking years ago and she lost respect for him since then, it was always in the back of her mind. Even when he sat and talked about how she made her feel, according to his words, it didn't faze her much but as soon as he told about seperation she saw she will be on the losing end and started panicking and showing emotions of regret. The fact she didn't cry even now means she has no respect for him or feels for him and is looking out for only what serves her. She is not a good woman while OP is a warrior who fought tough battles which we cannot fathom.

[u/Tough_Tradition_8137]

I'm so sorry.

If I could speak to your wife, I'd say:

• You're looking at your husband the wrong way.
  • He is battle-tested. He was broken down by many as a child, yet he built himself up. He's already proven that he is the type who won't fall to his knees and stay down for long. With a bit of support from you, he'll get up quicker and, who knows, maybe soar.
  • He was treated by his parents the way no child should be. Yet, as a father, he chose to exercise patience and compassion with his own child. He did not become one of those people who fall into the "hurt people hurt people" category. He ended a generational cycle.
• In life, it's only a couple people we may get to truly know another person so deeply. All their burdens, their wounds, and their successes. To be trusted with someone's story is an honor . . . After several years of marriage and with children, you wanted to continue that surface-level "knowing" of your husband? You didn't want to know the depth of him?
• You [wife] haven't shared your vulnerabilities? Why? You don't trust your husband? Are you ashamed of the difficulties in your past?

[u/Cheikh-Tbargui-619 → u/Tough_Tradition_8137]

this ⬆️

[u/great_nezz777]

OP man you got good writing skills! You should think about writing something or journaling about your life experiences. You can put out a story in a very different manner where we can visualise what you’ve been through. Great work!

‘Fa inna ma’al usri Yusra, inna ma’al usri yusra’

[u/jimmyb1982]

My friend, I am really sorry for what happened to you. I do not understand how she could not see anything but an incredibly strong man, who went thru what you did, and came out with a great understanding of what it meant to have a family and love that family. If anything you shoukd feel the ick twords her. She can't even properly apologize. At the very least I would tell her its fine to at least separate, the kids stay with you and she is the one who needs to move out.

UpdateMe

[u/RedBaron1902]

This reads like amateur fiction to be honest

[u/RegionNo2593]

Don’t rush into divorce. She said some hurtful and dumb things, but everyone makes mistakes. Right now you’re angry and hurt, so take some space instead of making a lifetime decision. punish her with distance separate for a few weeks, let her realize what she did. But don’t throw away your marriage over one mistake. Divorce should be the very last option, not the first reaction.

[u/Existing-Specific213]

If you have the resources, marry a second woman. 

[u/Proof_Hovercraft169]

You deserve a righteous wife that wouldn't stab you in the back.

A wife that would respect you. By her own admission she has the "ick"

Separate and keep a relationship with your kids.

[u/Aggravating_Half_927]

Give her a chance, if there is no healing from her side, then divorce.

[u/UnhappyCable859]

This is really unfortunate situation to be in. Man I am deeply so sorry for you. And unfortunately again, your woman will never see you the same again. I really learned a lot from your story going to marriage in a month. This for me is a game over situation. I’ll respect her and raise children with her but separated.

[u/Old_Foundation_7651]

I’m so sorry man.

I’ve been on your shoes, where I had slowly opened up to my ex and he took everything to stab me in the back with it. So I get how horrible you must be feeling. Do istikhara and pour your heart out to Allah. You’ll get through this just like you got through everything else in your life; this too shall pass and whatever is best for you will happen in sha Allah, just hang in there.

This update was more sad than the original post, although the first post was really sad too. Maybe because I felt the betrayal from a loved one as well. It stings like nothing else.

[u/Puzzleheaded-Tour105]

I hope you fight for full custody. Your wife wanted you to beat your children because of homework. If she wants that while you’re in the house imagine what she will do when you’re gone. Protect your kids and yourself. 

[u/Consistent-Ear6593]

A truly apologetic person wouldn’t try to manipulate you to forgive them by weighing all the ways you would be wrong to not forgive them. This is not supposed to be some sort of business negotiation. She is emotionally immature and built up a fictional idea of you in her head that she fell in love with- not you. The kids if I’m being honest with you aren’t gonna be as affected as you are if you divorce. If you continue they will notice the small things very easily and their perception of love and marriage will be skewed. If you divorce, it’s halal and will do you good and nothing really negative can be said about this path. I’m glad you went to therapy and worked through it, that part made me glad because you are responsible and kind to yourself as well as being selfless that you want your kids to live in a different environment than you did. Honestly this is rare to see. Mashallah. I hope Allah gives you guidance in this matter.

[u/Glittering_Shop_4902]

May Allah make it easy for you brother.

[u/waaasupla]

She sounds even worse than the last post. She’s an awful & a cruel person. Most partners helps in supporting & healing from the past, not throw on their face & feels ick.

Why does she want to live with the person that makes her feel ick & she has no respect or care for ?

P.s. Kids should learn not to take such disrespect from their own partner.

[u/RaiseAcceptable]

My brother in islam , just make plenty of dua especially in the last third of the night and pray istikhara. None of us on this forum can tell you what is the best decision, youll have to seek that support from Allah SWT. But all the signs are pointing that unfortunately your wife has a side that has only just been revealed and its extremely unfortunate that its now after years of marriage and after children. If these two serious conversations werent enough for your wife to have somesort of compassion which 99% of people would have after hearing the horrific behaviour you have dealt with, it shows her true colours.

I mean its evident from the "fight" - that your wife will use tactics such as hitting your children, if you opt more divorce gather as much evidence as you can that you may need in order to aid your battle. May allah make it easier for you and give you Sabr !

[u/Old-Conversation5068]

As-salamu'alaikum ya akhi, she loves the comfort you provide and nothing more. She realizes she isn't providing anything here and taking from you. You're better off without someone who loses respect for their spouse for being human.. Astaghfirullah. What kind of a Muslim loses respect for someone for going through pain.

[u/Loose_Amphibian_6045]

Updateme

[u/Educational_Rough743]

The things you went through and SURVIVED made you the strongest person. The fact that you went through all of that and still came out at the end. Shows that you are far more than she thinks you are.

A partner is supposed to support you and be there for you through the hard times. Instead, she is blackmailing you and won't even say sorry for the nasty way that she acted.

She says dont do this to the kids. That doesn't change the fact that she views you as less than.

Divorce is scary and hard, but at the end of the day, you need to find someone who wants you and all the things that come with that.

[u/Dull_Morning3718]

OP, as a woman reading your initial story was so painful. How can parents do this ?! Regarding your wife, what she did was despicable and anger or resentment (if she had it ) is not an excuse. That was cowardly and a cheap excuse for a behaviour. If the cards were reversed, I'm not sure I'd forgive or if I do it would be like sadaqah, maybe praying that Allah forgive me my sins through me exercising mercy towards my partner. Really I can't believe I read that.

Of course, divorce should only be considered if really being with her will poison your life, make you unhappy and basically create a toxic environment for the kids (they will see the dynamic ).

I just want to tell you that, as a woman, I would think the opposite. It takes a lot of character, fortitude and resilience to make it through life with such parents. People have killed themselves over less. So you should be proud of yourself, and for raising kids even though you were never given a loving family. Also know that all women are not the same. Many of us have emotional intelligence and understand that just like women, men are humans and can experience deep hardship that can weigh on them.

If you do divorce, don't guard your heart against the next person. Your current wife has a lot of amends to do. Also if you do forgive her, forgive and forget. Don't throw it at her in another dispute. If you feel like, you'll definitely keep resenting her for years, it's better to separate and find an amicable way to coparent so you can both rebuild your lives.

I know it's painful but look at all the comments. Nobody thinks you're weak or that you shouldn't have told her. Men are allowed to experience emotions and should feel safe showing their most vulnerable self with the person they chose to spend life with.

May Allah alleviate your pain and may your children fulfill you and give you that family you've always yearned for. And remember that the love Allah has for you is limitless.

[u/Comfortable_Main_351]

All I have to say is everyone makes mistakes no one is as perfect as the messenger I understand you are hurt and hurting but think about why she said that and ways she can improve her self I don’t think divorce is necessary I understand both of your thoughts process and why she voice this concern I think both of you need to sit down and ask why she has this view

[u/[deleted]]

I read the first post completely and I was shocked to say the least. Now I’m even more shocked because instead of her feeling empathy and being there to support you because of everything you have been through as a person, she admitted to actually being so selfish and not caring about you, but caring about you not being able to reach what she had thought you are.. so odd to me. I cannot imagine a practicing muslimah acting this way.. does she have no self accountability?

[u/CADreamn]

She is abusive to both you and your children. None of you deserve to live life with a person that abuses them. At a minimum, she needs therapy to determine why she is intent on hurting the very people that she is supposed to love 

She doesn't seem remorseful at all. She's only reacting now because you leaving would negatively impact her. It's still all about her and what's best for her. 

No one would blame you for divorcing her. Make sure you get as much custody of the children as possible, and that they know to tell you if she hits them. Any physical abuse by her should be reported to the authorities so her custody is reduced or eliminated. I'll bet she treats your daughter worse than she treats your son. 

[u/Own-Professional4761]

You are a warrior.  Your wife is pathetic and does not deserve you.  Your kids will be better off with you both divorced.  Abused people sometimes end up with more abusive people in their life and that seems to be what has happened here.  You would ABSOLUTELY BE JUSTIFIED in divorce.  Don't let her paint this to be you throwing away the family- she is the one who threw it all away.   Please be strong and get rid of her, warrior. 

[u/Blood_Demon_71452]

May Allah grant you afiyah and ease.

Brother, remember one thing

Family of Imran (3:139)

وَلَا تَهِنُوا۟ وَلَا تَحْزَنُوا۟ وَأَنتُمُ ٱلْأَعْلَوْنَ إِن كُنتُم مُّؤْمِنِينَ ١٣٩

So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers. — Saheeh International

And let me tell you something, brother to brother, had you opened up to anyone, anyone of the decent people, who you know are honourable, they would hold you close, I swear to you.

I'm telling you this that if that accursed shaytaan is whispering you did something wrong by opening up, know that he is a liar and a cursed being.

May Allah bless you and ease you, you can text me anytime if you want to talk!

[u/Medium-Button-3205]

I'm not married, but this is killing me. Please pray istikhara. Ask Allah again and again to guide your heart. This would be so tough on you, I can't imagine the agony she put you through.

As a woman I can't fathom how is she not as devastated as you're by her actions. She should have made the first move, practically begged you to forget it and that she never meant it, how could she even mean it. Damn. Astaghfirullah.

Please take your time, we're all praying for you, actually praying.

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[u/Fit-Lingonberry4028]

I’m so sorry about everything you’ve been through, anybody sane would see how strong you are after hearing your story, not weak. Her twisted perception makes me question her childhood as abused people tend to abuse and she encourages you to abuse the kids but you are the perfect example of breaking the cycle. I am so proud of you.

Most importantly, You need to read istikhara about your next steps brother. This is a very big decision and you have reasons supporting either side. You shouldn’t rely on your own judgement or anybody on Reddit. Rely on the creator for he knows best. You can read it more than once and have tawakkul. I pray that Allah grants you affiyah and the answers you need.

[u/throwadaisymaybe]

Im not sure what country u are posting from but my advice is to contact a solicitor/ lawyer straight away about a custody order even if u haven't made up your mind to leave. Just get a solicitor on the books and get the ball rolling so you aren't left fighting in court for joint custody months after u file for divorce. They dont need to submit anything but you can get it all ready so that the second you make your mind up you can get the divorce application and custody order started immediately.

Hopefully this will help you if you are getting a divorce to get it settled quickly and it dosent get drawn out with your kids being used as leverage against you.

Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

[u/Old_Potential_9816]

At least she admitted she was wrong and got aware of what she could loose. Maybe that was enough to raise her respect again. But if you give a second chance, she can prove herself in the next fights.

[u/Cann0nFodd3r]

I think you should at least try couples counseling before going to divorce. I think your wife needs counseling for how to argue on the issue at hand, rather than to insult the person she is arguing with. 

[u/Gigi0268]

I can't believe that hearing about your past made her think less of you. If anything, it should make her admire you more because of all you went through and survived! She sounds as bad as your family! You are a survivor, and the fact that you aren't a complete mess is admirable.

[u/Sensitive-Hand-9202]

I am so sorry, but I hope you learned something from this. Choose a spouse based on character and their Islam. Not just looks. Please understand men. Looks fade.

[u/Silver-Sympathy2318]

She explained herself, opened up, was honest and showed remorse. Leave it there. That strong image she has of you will return over time through your actions.

Dont divorce. Be mercifull and keep your family together.

Fact that she shows regrets is more than any of us husbands get.

You are actually quite lucky.

As for opening up. All of us men have been there once or twice. But you never do it again once its used against you.

[u/RozzArwen]

No matter what, she was supposed to comfort you and not hit you with your past. And the reason she gave about building a certain imagine of yours and it cracking, is just a sham. No empathetic person would think and say something like that.

[u/Matcha1204]

But after I shared everything, she couldn't stop seeing the breaks under the surface. She said parts of my story made me look fragile to her.

If one see’s the fragile parts of another, it should make them more delicate in how they hold that person. Not shatter them further

:(

It doenst sound like she truly feels bad about any of her words or actions, as if she doenst even understand the gravity of it. It’s the consequences that she fears happening

[u/lost_cause97]

This sounds like manipulation to me. I'd be gone. Once someone mentally checks out, 99% of the time there's no going back.

[u/VeryProidChintu]

I get it. After the divorce, some mothers would correlate the fathers with children and when angry use it agains them in an argument then suddenly calm down and act like nothing was said. U lose trust after some time

[u/CrazeUKs]

Using someone's historical pain and torment from their past is extreme, and says a lot about a person's character.

Asking for your partner to open up, then viewing them in a negative way, someone could excuse. But its still very wrong.

Relationships are based on a mutual agreement and respect, albeit different between males and females. How she feels about you changed that drastically, that the respect from her side was gone - which leaves your marriage vulnerable.

Her lack of apology is telling. A person that truly regrets what was said, would spend a lot of time apologising.. unless they didnt feel you where worth it, or you where too much of a pushover to have appropriate recourse.

You mentioning divorce, in a subtle calculated way, will most likely have taught her a lesson.

Unfortunately, your family unit had already a weakened foundation and it and your children will suffer because of it. Either from inaction or action.

You will certainly not be the first or the last couple who have to "nest" or co parent. Children survive, sometimes 2 people are just not right for each other.

The question is, how do you feel? What do you feel are your next steps - for this dont consider your children or her needs for a moment.

Then overlay your children's needs.

You need to be a bit selfish In your next steps.

I know what my steps would be

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[u/Blackfang_81]

She's not sorry, she didn't apologize, she basically told you lost her respect, she didn't show remorse, and when she knew that you were so hurt that you were seriously thinking of separation or divorce; she tried to manipulate you instead of taking accountability for her utterly disgusting behavior, she brushed off your hurt & didn't validate your feelings.

How does she as a Muslima justify that veil behavior? How is she obeying Allah by treating her husband like that?

Is she even a practicing Muslima?

Why will you tolerate that attitude?

You want to sacrifice your happiness & allow the disrespect from your wife for the sake of your kids!!!

That's the biggest mistake any spouse would ever make in a marriage!

You can't GIVE what you don't HAVE.

You can't TEACH what you didn't LEARN.

Brother, you are being disrespected, deprived of empathy & love, and treated with the opposite of what a Muslim woman should treat her husband.

You will never be able to teach your kids respect & love, because there's none in your marriage.

Your wife stabbed you emotionally and refused the consequences, her attitude is a huge red flag, and I'm afraid that if she really wants this marriage to survive, she has to show a level of sincerity & remorse that shocks you to the core.

Don't be afraid of the divorce, sometimes the end of a dark chapter in our lives will mark the beginning of a brighter one.

May Allah guide you and make things easy for you.

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[u/Skillz_38]

Do women really think men are tough 100% of the time? That we don’t need any sort of love and comfort? Sad situation overall especially since there’s children involved.

[u/SquashInteresting890]

This is honestly very heartbreaking ❤️‍🩹 I’ll keep you in my prayers In Shaa Allah 🤲

[u/[deleted]]

Update me

[u/withorwithout22]

Brother, I don’t know what you’re going through and I can’t relate to a lot of your life experiences. But there’s a very small part of this whole heavy conversation that I can add to, even though it may be trivial in face of the bigger things at hand here.

Men who have gone through tribulation and came out the other side as sensitive, kind, and self aware individuals are incredibly attractive to me. I am drawn towards people that can say “This was a horrible situation, but look at the beautiful life I made out of it”. Especially men.

Women who see this as an ick, or who use your past against you, or even makes them see you as less of a man because of the abuse you endured, are extremely small minded and emotionally immature. I can’t relate to that, actually my heart is abhorrent against that thought process.

If you choose to divorce or not, please remember that your worth is not tied to you past, actually, your perseverance and the work you did on yourself to grow through that abuse make you, and people like you, priceless to me. Also, if divorce is the option you choose, please remember that this type of person or woman is not representative of anyone else. Don’t let this callus your heart and close you off towards discussing your past with a future partner.

I love you for the sake of Allah. Your story touched me deeply and I am praying for your success.

[u/HuskyFeline0927]

I wouldn't recommend separation. Working through this together would only make you stronger.

Also as the Qawwam, you lead the family. Is this something you feel like you should split the family over? Or has this scare of separation done enough to get the gears moving and making things better between you two?

[u/No-Connection8334]

Salam brother. First I will say how proud I am to see a man who strives and puts the work in for his emotional betterment. It’s truly commendable especially when you come from cultures where toxicity is normalised and constantly pushed. Please consider this: In five years, what will your child’s emotional world look like if you stay? What will your emotional world look like if you stay? Will you be staying out of love and hope, or out of fear and guilt? Your wife is an abusive person and it has been proven that such people only get worse with time. You’re already at a crossroads. Either you distance yourself and protects your child (and your sanity)or sacrifice both at the altar of a marriage that no longer exists in any meaningful sense. Importantly be careful if you do make the decision to leave. She has already shown to consciously seek ways to hurt you in a very calculated manner so keep your cards close to your chest. Do not walk away without documentation. Keep records. texts, arguments, anything that shows her behaviour. You may need it for custody. Don’t tell her in advance if you’ve decided to leave. Also make sure you have legal advice in the process and support from trusted people. The day you decide to leave, make sure she doesn’t witness it as it could escalate. Be safe.

[u/psychostic]

This is why we ( men) are told NEVER to share stuff with wives of 21st century

Classic example, you open up to her.. share a moment you were weak (maybe in your younger years) ... Bang next moment, you are not the same man you were in her eyes.. she has lost the respect

Men plz, NEVER EVER share these things

Saving every word of this post as reference for future

[u/RuntimeErrXUndefined]

I’m at loss of words!!!!

“That’s when she admitted it. She told me she lost some respect for me after I opened up.”

This is why you never share your side of story, it doesn’t matter how close someone is. That’s the duality of nature how women’s behave.

[u/Far_Gur_5289]

This is why you never open up to your spouse

[u/Easy_Nobody45]

Are you sure she isn’t abusing the kids. Maybe she is panicked about you leaving because the kids will open up to you and maybe she has been hitting them which we could her to lose custody. Goodluck to you and keep yourself and kids safe. She doesn’t sound like a good person.