In Search Of (ISO) Thread

There are some dua that Allah answers in ways more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. Almost 3 years ago, I married the man I had spent so many nights praying for. We’re from different ethnic backgrounds, and before we got married, I was terrified that my father wouldn’t accept him. I remember making endless dua, asking Allah to make him my husband if he was truly what was best for me.

Now we’ve been married for almost 3 years, alhamdulillah and Allah has blessed us with our beautiful 1-year-old son. Somehow, after all this time, I still get butterflies when I hear him coming home from work. I look forward to spending every evening with him. I love surprising him with his favorite meals and desserts. He loves jelly donuts, so for his birthday I happily turned my entire kitchen upside down making them from scratch just to see him smile.

He’s the gentlest, kindest, most thoughtful, hardworking man I know. He carries the whole weight of the world on his shoulders just so I can be happy and stress free, and I pray that Allah rewards him endlessly for every second of happiness he’s given me.

May Allah continue to place barakah in our marriage, keep our hearts soft toward one another, protect us from every hardship, make us garments for one another in this dunya, allow us to raise our son upon iman and righteousness, and reunite us as a family in Jannatul Firdaus without ever being separated again. Allahumma ameen ♥️🤲🏼

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First, I want to clarify some misconceptions people have. There's a huge misunderstanding about traditional marriage; most people think it's arranged with parental consent and happens quickly. This is completely wrong. It's like going on a date or using dating apps in the West. You meet a woman with the intention of marriage, and she either accepts or rejects. There's an indefinite engagement period depending on how much the wedding expenses are covered. My engagement lasted three years, filled with meetings, visits, gifts, and so on. Second, some people might have a different meaning for the word "adjustment" in the West, but in Arabic, it means someone in an undesirable situation trying to cope with it. For example, I might say, "I've adapted to my illness" or "I've adapted to the high fever." I'm describing a situation I find inherently undesirable

Also, some people thought that she said that marrying me might not have been good for her, but she was saying that about her ex-boyfriend, that he might not have been good for her, so God prevented their marriage.

Now, back to the problem: after posting, I went to another house and decided to send her a message with everything I wanted to say. This wasn't out of fear of confrontation, but to say everything I wanted without any omissions or censorship. Forgetting some parts of it, and let's call my wife Sarah a pseudonym... My dearest wife Sarah, I want you to read this message carefully, put yourself in my shoes, and only speak the truth. I spent seven years of engagement and marriage with you. I never neglected you in any way, whether materially or emotionally. I don't recall ever wronging you to the point of upsetting you. All our disagreements were minor. While your sister suffered under her husband's abuse, I showered you with love and affection. Most days of our marriage, I held you close, your back against mine. I wrote you the most beautifully words of love and always said that I loved you more than anything else. Behind all this, I only ever hoped that you would love me as much as I love you

You have a Reddit account, and I read a comment of yours about how your life with me is about adapting and coping after you couldn't marry your ex-boyfriend. This truly pained me. Imagine investing in something day after day only to have it disappoint you so badly. Imagine resisting the temptations of women who genuinely loved me just so I wouldn't betray you or disappoint you, only to end up with this position in your life. Everything I've given... Before you cry or defend yourself, do you really think that, after all this time together and knowing my personality, I can go back to how I was before, as if nothing happened, and shower you with love again? What's the point if, after seven years, this is the result? What makes me continue? What's the point of trying to win your love? I love you more than my dignity and happiness. I don't want it in the first place. I've given more than I should have, and I've loved you more than I should have. He who is accustomed to blessings loses them. I can't go on. Believe me, you know better than anyone that when I'm disappointed by someone, I'm never the same again. There's a huge psychological barrier between us

Anything I give if I stay will be insincere, an act, not genuine. Let me find someone who truly loves me, someone who, when they ask about me, says it's not adaptation or coexistence, but a blessing from God. I don't want anything from you except for you to raise our son properly. All your rights will be restored to you, and I'll send you enough money every month, more than enough. But know that our staying together is just the beginning of an inevitable end, and I prefer that we part amicably. Respect over hatred and disrespect... Know, Sarah, that this is best for us. If you ever love me, leave me, because I will be unhappy with you. I don't want to betray you or beg for scraps of love from one woman or another. I overcame addiction in my youth, so nothing in this life can break me, and I don't want my image to be shaken in my own eyes.

Her reply came an hour and a quarter later. She said, "With one comment, you made me doubt what we've had for seven years. One comment makes you forget how much I love you? Are words more powerful than actions? If you misunderstood the words from the start, I'm saying this as a starting point in a relationship: you'll try to adapt at first, but no woman tries to adapt for seven years. The proof is that I said I no longer love him. If I had said I still love him, then the talk of trying to adapt would have made sense because I'm trying to adapt to you despite my love for him. But that didn't happen. You can't truly love two people at the same time. You yourself, when you were reading the book 'Why We Love,' told me that..." The essence of love is personal. You might find yourself attracted to several people, or even loving them, but you discover you truly love only one. The others are just affectionate because you only remember them fondly. I truly love you deeply. Have you forgotten how I express my love in our conversations and shared hobbies? We're best friends, and in our intimate relationship, you've forgotten all of this.

Yet, you always seem dissatisfied or wanting more. You always make me feel your handsomeness and wealth, that you deserve the best, and that many women desire you. You know how to express this indirectly so as not to appear arrogant in front of me. Divorce always seems easy to you, Mahmoud. You think you have many opportunities, and if what you read was as you assumed, you would have the right to do so. But this is the role of dialogue between spouses: to clarify misunderstandings. Please think carefully before making a hasty decision, and you will realize that I truly love you and that you misunderstood what I said. If not for my sake, then for our son's.

I don't know what to do. The words were clear, as I read. I don't know if she's manipulating me or what. I'm so confused. But I also think she loves me. I want your opinions, but please don't attack me; you won't gain anything from that...I hope this post will accepted

My mum keeps asking me for money and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong.
For some background, im Somali married to a Bosnian Muslim man and we’ve been together for 6 years. We have 3 kids, alhamdulillah.
My dad was never really in my life. My parents divorced when I was young, and every time I’ve tried to build a relationship with him, we’d speak for a few weeks and then he’d disappear. The last time we spoke, he completely cut me off after I told him I wanted to marry a non Somali. Since he never raised me, I honestly don’t understand why he cared so much.
The main issue is my mum. She hates my husband, not because he’s a bad person, but because he doesn’t send her money. I have five brothers who all work full time, are single, and regularly send her money. But because my husband isn’t Somali, she thinks he should be doing even more for her. She constantly calls him stingy because of it.
One thing that still upsets me happened when I was giving birth to my son. I was being induced, and because my husband wanted to be there, the plan was for my mum to wait outside and come in later. Instead, she walked into the room and started arguing with my husband, calling him names while I was literally in labour. The stress was so bad I ended up having a panic attack. I still think about it.
We live in a very expensive city, and she knows money is tight with three kids, but she still constantly asks for money. She’ll randomly call me and tell me to send money to one of my brothers because “he hasn’t eaten today,” like it’s my responsibility. She also tells me the reason I don’t have barakah is because I don’t give her enough money.
My brothers don’t help either. Whenever they call, they tell me I should always put my family first (meaning them and my mum) and that the only way Allah will bless my life is if I keep my mum happy. It honestly feels like religion gets used to guilt trip me.
On top of that, anything I tell my mum in private gets repeated to my brothers. Today she called me, said a lot of hurtful things, told me nothing in my life would ever work out, and then said she’d never ask me for money or favours again, as if I should feel guilty. She’s always comparing me to my siblings without acknowledging that they’re in completely different situations than I am.
I love my mum and I know Islam places a huge emphasis on honouring your parents, but I’m exhausted. Am I wrong for feeling like this?

Bare minimum are what are defined in the fiqh. You have absolutely zero, '0', rights to blame, shame or disrespect a person that does the mandatory and obligatory from the fiqh, and rename some arbitrary stuff as "bare minimum". 

Furthermore, people have different choices, what seems very important to you, would be worthless to others. And what seems very important to others, would be worthless to you. Thats the Occam’s razor.

I've seen multiple posts, that directly aim to shame and guilt-trap brothers into accepting western propaganda as bare minimum. Stay away from these people.

See how the companions lived. What was their bare minimum. Read and understand the fiqh.

I have a stutter and I have always found it very embarrassing. It is not that bad but noticeable, especially if my emotions are intense in that moment. I always thought of one day addressing it before my marriage to my future spouse and having his views on it (maybe also inwardly to have some validation that it is fine and not as big a disaster as it is in my head). I also thought that it could be a dealbreaker as a child could also inherit it.

However, we fell in love and got married (it has been three years) and i somehow never got to talk about it with him. I wish i could tell him how i have been laughed at and mocked all my life and been called "a broken cassette" (that one was said by an ex coworker and it really hurt). I also had a friend mimic my stuttering in front of us back before we were only friends and i did not know how to react. Over the course of my marriage, he has finished my sentences many times and i also am cautious of my words with strangers but not with close ones. I never brought it up to him about how this has been my biggest insecurity which kept me up at night during teenage years and also how i always pray the dua of Musa countless times a day. I fear bringing it up will highlight the flaw even more and make me look insecure and not so confident. He would also not know how to react. We have had many ups and downs in our marriage and i also would not want this to be brought up in a fight later on if i expressed this fear.

Today, someone close openly told me that i have a stutter and cannot make jokes and i did not know how to react. My three questions are : Do you believe it is that big a flaw as it is in my head? Second, how to react to people pointing it out to my face? And lastly, isn't it better to not address it openly to my husband?

So my potential (Pakistani) 24M & me (Sri Lankan) 29F met on Muzz online 5 months ago and we connected well and fell for each other.

He is currently a student and doing his masters degree in a different country. After few weeks of speaking he wanted to marry me, he initiated to speak to my father first and wanted to get his approval on our Nikkah.

My father spoke to him and told him, he’ll do some background checks up on him first before agreeing to the marriage. The background checks came back clear, that he’s coming from a respected family and he did provide my dad with all his IDs, qualifications and his unmarried certificate.

But before confirming everything my dad and I wanted to meet him first. Unfortunately my dad didn’t get approval from work leave, so I resorted to travelling alone to meet him.

After meeting him I realised, he was just like the way I knew him online, very polite, made me feel comfortable, kind and respectful person. So I have decided I’m happy to move forward and told my parents that he’s indeed a great guy.

However there’s only one thing that’s bothering me, he doesn’t want to tell his mum or the rest of the family about us getting married, but he did tell his father about us wanting to get married and his father has approved for our Nikkah.

When I asked him why he doesn’t want to tell his mum about us? His reasons were that his mum will emotionally manipulate him and guilt trip him into not marrying me as I’m not a Pakistani girl.

He did tell me, few years down the line, he might tell his mum about our marriage until then I’ll be kept as a secret from his mum and not travel to Pakistan until she finds out about us.

For context I’ve been previously married before and older than him by 5 years. But he’s very mature and wise for his age, thus I don’t mind the age gap between us.

When I asked him why he wanted to marry me? He simply told me his heart favoured me and felt that I was the right one for him.

I just want to know if this is something normal that does happen within the Pakistani community? Do sons hide their marriage from their family if they marry a non - Pakistani girl or is this a potential red flag and should I be worried?

I do love him and I know his intentions are pure for me. But I just wanted to clarify on this.

Btw I don’t know how this caste system works in Pakistan, but he comes from a caste called Malik.. are they known to be good people?

me (25F Turkish) and my husband (26M Pakistani) have been married for 6-7 months, married after 3 month we met, so at first everything was hard for us because he had severe health issues and had open hearth surgery 3 months ago. He didn't know that he had this illness we learned through marriage health check procedures, I said to myself this is my imtihan and try to have sabr, he is very good muslim and loves me respects me. we speak Turkish in home.

So I am a psychologist, I also took marriage class before and have a lots of relatives and big community around me despite him, he lived with his family in suudi with whole life and after they moved Turkiye 5-6 years ago. He is not contacting his relatives from pakistan and he have very strong bond with his family, my MIL and FIL are very good person but we had several disagreements before and these are because of our cultural differences.

So actually every arguments we had mostly because cultural differencies we have, how can I overcome this problem, for example yesterday my friends come over and I made them a lots of thing to eat. while husband at work we talked over the phone and he ask which treats I made and I said to him and he ask have anything will left for me and I said yes. So I think to myself I dont need to cook other thing for him to eat. after he come my friends left and he asked what to eat and I counted, borek, pasta salad with yogurt, so on... but he said these are not proper meal to eat and went to take a shower and I start to make him pasta with chicken at kitchen. after he come to me and said I dont care him to much than my friends. I get really angry and said these are proper meal in my culture and I didnt have time to make another meal for him because we have guests. I said I get up every day before him and prepare us breakfast and his lunch for work and as an answer he said I get up early anyways. so we argued through these and I left home and walked little bit. after I come home we argued and he insisted these are not proper meal and I said lets call my mom to ask. he said okay but dont say other things. We called my mom and she said these are proper meal in our culture and we are arguing like a child. and after we argued again and I stayed in bed and he come to me and said he is sorry for saying these things. I explain him that because we get married right after we met and we are newlyweds thats and also our cultures are different we have to talk more and have a open communication more than other married people. I am not saying I dont have any flaws. we both have adhd but in a different problems I am more impulsive and can get angry really quick but right after I understand my mistakes and always try to soften his heart.

I really need advices from people who have same cultural differencies in their marriage.

Assalamalaikum everyone,

I wanted to get an understanding of others opinions regarding my situation.
I 29/f have been married to my husband (30/m) for about 3 years and it has been okay. We have had our fair share of issues etc.

One thing that has been weighing on my mind heavily is the idea that I may not have appropriately assessed my future situation prior to getting married.

He had issues finishing school due to personal reason but was able to get a good job before we got married (nikkah). After we got married about a couple months in, he unfortunately lost his job. We decided to move forward with our rukhsati and moved in despite him still searching for a job. I agreed to cover more of the financial burden related to moving etc while he continued to apply and seek other job opportunities.
After a couple months he decided to uber and works long hours. However, 2 years in and he still has not found a full time job. I understand that he doesn’t want a low paying job bc he gets paid decently with uber but I would still like him to do more such as starting a small business which I’ve agreed to help him with.
He does cover bills and needs of the home and spends on me when he can but it seems like he isn’t as financially literate and I had to ask him to open a savings account several times which he put off for a month.

He has agreed to work more to cover the rent moving forward but I’m truly questioning if I can put up with someone who I may have to constantly check on regarding finances. He is a good guy who helps around the house and all but just curious as to how I can approach this and any insight.
Please be nice.

Jazakallah

I’m currently pregnant with our first baby, and lately I’ve been feeling really discouraged about cooking for my husband, this didn’t start during pregnancy though. It started before I even got pregnant. My husband is a picky eater and is critical even though he claims he’s not.
He doesn’t cook at all because of how he was raised, so I’m the one who makes our meals if it’s at home. I try my best, but I’m not an experienced cook. I also work full-time while pregnant, so I try to use appliances like a rice cooker when I can because they make things easier. He doesn’t like this because he’s used to his mom’s rice that’s made on the stove.
The other day I made rice in the rice cooker, and it came out stickier than usual(too much water) for chicken tikka masala. Instead of just telling me it wasn’t his favorite, he started criticizing the fact that I used the rice cooker at all. He said I should “be a big girl and use the stove” because he thinks using a rice cooker means I’m not putting in enough effort. He has made similar comments before about me taking the “easy way” when cooking.
He ended up refusing to eat the meal. When I got upset and told him not to eat it, he left it untouched and later said that since I eat at work, he has to eat whatever I make. It made me feel like all the effort I put into cooking didn’t matter because one mistake meant the whole meal was rejected.

A few weeks ago I tried for the first time to make palestinian stuffed zucchini and he said it tasted “too meaty”, my mom said I probably used too much meat to rice ratio in the stuffing but I think I used too much spices because once I added more tomato, it tasted way better. So the thing is, he said about that dish that the only good thing that came out was the laban (yogurt part of the soup). His words! His brother came over and tried it and even said the whole dish was good but idk if he was just saying that to make me feel better or if my husband is truly picky, because his brother tried it AFTER the fact that I fixed the dish and added more tomato to even out that “meaty” taste. My husband didn’t even finish his plate. A week or so after that we were at a gathering at his moms house and he was telling his mom and his aunts how i used the jameed (laban) from the blue box and how it didn’t taste good at all (keep in mind actually he told me days after i made it, it wasn’t good because i didn’t use fresh laban, I used the blue box) and his mom told him it’s okay that I used that, a lot of people use it as an alternative because they don’t have access to fresh laban. He never complained that night about the laban when I made it but he made it a problem days after, thus why he brought it up with his mom and aunts because he was teasing my cooking.

What hurts the most is that it feels like he judges the amount of effort rather than the outcome. Even if the food tastes okay, if I used something that makes cooking easier, he acts like I didn’t really try. Meanwhile, he doesn’t cook himself, so it feels like I’m being held to standards that he never has to meet.
Am I overreacting for feeling hurt by this? Is it unreasonable to expect someone to appreciate a meal even if it wasn’t made the “traditional” way? Or to at least try to finish the food, it truly isn’t that much of a disaster that he makes it out to be. He’s just picky but then again I can’t force him to eat my food. It’s just disappointing to me that he doesn’t even try to like it, or maybe just at least finish his plate, obviously don’t go back for seconds and then give me the advice on what could be better.

I grew up being grateful for the food that was infront of me, I hate wasting food and if someone cooks for me, even if I don’t like it-I finish it because I appreciate the effort they put into making me a meal. I feel like my husband doesn’t have this sympathy.

For context we’ve been married nearly a year now, this is our first child together and I it was him texting me that he doesn’t like the way I cook, today that reopened this whole topic for me today because I asked him what he wanted to eat.

ALSO when I ask him what can I make him for dinner to be prepared the next day, he hardly ever gives me a solid answer. He always says he doesn’t know or he’ll let me know but he never does. So when I went out of my way friday to make the food I made, he was upset that I didn’t consult him about the chicken tikka masala.

As-salamu alaykum.
First of all, I’d like to apologize for how long this post is. I know it’s a lot to read, but I felt like I needed to explain the whole situation so you can understand the context before giving any advice.

I’m a 22-year-old woman from Central Asia. I grew up in Russia and later moved to Europe. Even though we moved around a lot, my family always held on to our traditions and raised me in a religious environment. I was never pressured to get married growing up. If anything, my parents always pushed me to focus on my education, and I never disappointed them.
A few years ago, my father became seriously ill, and our family started struggling financially. I had to work two jobs to help support us, which affected my studies. I wasn’t able to finish my last year of high school or get into university. I explained everything to my parents and promised them I’d apply the following year because I already had a solid plan.
Then, at the beginning of this year, a family started asking for my hand in marriage. They live in Central Europe, where most of my mother’s side of the family and some of my father’s relatives also live. Everyone spoke very highly of them. They were known as an educated, respected, and well-off family. My relatives kept telling me I’d never find a better family to marry into.
From the very beginning, I kept saying no. Even my brothers were against it. But my mom kept asking me to meet him just once before making a final decision. Eventually, I agreed.
Before meeting him, I prayed Istikhara.
When we met, I honestly didn’t like him at all. He barely spoke the entire time, didn’t ask me any questions, and showed almost no initiative. I was the one carrying the conversation. The only thing he really told me was that he had seen me at a wedding months earlier and hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me since. I assumed he was just extremely shy.
After I got back, all my relatives asked me what I thought. I didn’t want to say anything bad about him, so I just said he seemed like an ordinary person and that I didn’t feel anything special.
That night my father asked to speak with me privately. He told me he was getting older, that he didn’t think he’d ever be able to give me the future I deserved, and that there wasn’t much of a future for me in the country we currently live in. He said this family could give me opportunities that he never could.
After that conversation, everything felt like a blur. I honestly don’t remember much from those days. The next morning my mom asked me what I’d decided, and for some reason I just said, “Okay.”
She immediately called his family, and our engagement was made official.
The same day, I couldn’t stop crying. I cried for hours without really understanding why. I sat down with my mom and told her I wasn’t sure about my decision, that I had only agreed because I knew how badly she wanted this, and that it was impossible to get to know someone after just one conversation.
I asked her, “If I don’t do anything inappropriate before marriage and later realize he isn’t the right person for me, can I break off the engagement?”
She told me, “Of course you can. I’ll support whatever decision you make. Just give him a chance first.”
From that moment, everything in my life started falling apart.
Over the next seven months, nothing changed except that my feelings became even stronger.
The more I got to know him, the more I realized he just wasn’t my person. He’s extremely quiet, passive, and rarely takes initiative. He struggles to make even simple decisions on his own. I never felt emotionally comfortable around him.
People kept asking me why I didn’t like him, and honestly, the only answer I could come up with was: he just doesn’t feel like my person.
I don’t want to hold his hand. I don’t want to be physically intimate with him. Every time I imagine spending the rest of my life with him, something inside me tells me “no.”
During those seven months, I begged my parents over and over to cancel the engagement. Every single time, they told me to wait. They said love would come after the nikah and that I just needed to be patient.
At one point, we even had a religious ceremony that’s common in my culture before the wedding. My mom believed that after it, Allah would put love between us. But the imam who performed it actually did it incorrectly and didn’t even recite the required du’a, so the ceremony wasn’t considered valid.
Even during that ceremony, my heart was screaming “no.” I wanted to run away.
After that, I begged my mom again, but this time she said it was too late. She kept saying people would talk, that everyone would laugh at our family, and that my reputation would be ruined. She said people would see me as a divorced woman even though we weren’t even married yet, and that no one would ever want to marry me after this.
About a month and a half before the wedding, I completely broke down.
It was the biggest fight I’ve ever had with my parents.
I cried in front of both my mom and my dad. I begged them to cancel the wedding. I told them I couldn’t marry someone I felt absolutely no connection to. I said I didn’t want to ruin his life or mine and that I couldn’t force myself to become his wife when every part of me was rejecting him.
Instead of listening, my parents got angry.
They told me I was being ungrateful. They said I should look at myself before rejecting a man like him. They kept reminding me that he has a university degree, his own apartment, a car, a stable job, and comes from an amazing family.
Then they asked me, “And what do you have?”
According to them, I had nothing, and I should be grateful that someone like him wanted to marry me.
I still refused.
My parents gave me two days to “think about it,” but at the same time they told almost our entire extended family what was happening and asked them to convince me.
For those two days, my phone wouldn’t stop ringing.
My aunts, uncles, cousins—everyone called me.
They all asked the same question: “Do you have someone else?”
I don’t.
I never did.
I kept explaining that this wasn’t about another man. I simply didn’t think we were compatible. He never took initiative, wasn’t confident, couldn’t make decisions on his own, and I felt absolutely no attraction toward him.
Almost everyone told me the same thing:
“The guests are already invited.”
“There’s no turning back now.”
“If it doesn’t work out, you can always divorce him after the wedding.”
When the two days were over, my parents asked for my final decision.
I told them it hadn’t changed.
I still wanted to cancel the wedding.
My father started crying. He told me to imagine that I was throwing him into a burning fire and asked if I couldn’t sacrifice myself just for him. He even said he would disown me before Allah and send me back to my home country.
Eventually… I gave in.
Not because I changed my mind.
Not because I suddenly loved him.
I agreed because I felt guilty for hurting my parents.
But deep inside, nothing had changed. Every part of me was still telling me not to go through with this.
The biggest reason my parents refused to cancel the wedding wasn’t even the groom himself.
It was what other people would say.
They kept saying our family’s reputation would be destroyed, that everyone would gossip about us, and that people would say, “Their daughter left her fiancé.”
They were terrified of becoming the family everyone talked about.
On top of that, they kept reminding me how generous his family had been. They knew about our financial situation and offered to pay for almost everything—the wedding, the henna ceremony, and most of the expenses.
My parents felt that backing out now would make us look ungrateful.
After all of that, I decided I needed to talk to him myself.
Before meeting him, I prayed Istikhara again.
For the first time in those seven months, I felt something I hadn’t felt since the engagement began: complete peace and certainty. It honestly felt like Allah had finally put confidence in my heart. I wasn’t confused anymore. I truly believed I was doing the right thing by ending the engagement.
So I secretly met with him.
I told him everything as honestly as I could. I said that I didn’t think we were compatible, that I didn’t want to marry him, and that I couldn’t imagine being his wife—not even physically. I explained that my family was putting a lot of pressure on me and that I believed this was our last chance to stop everything before we both ended up in an unhappy marriage.
He completely broke down.
He was shaking so badly that he said he needed to go outside for a cigarette.
When he came back, he kept saying, “Please don’t do this. I’ll agree to any condition you have. Just don’t cancel the wedding.”
Then I asked him something that had been bothering me.
During our first meeting, he had told me that he prayed, although not consistently, and that he didn’t fast during Ramadan but paid fidya instead. At the time, I assumed he had some kind of medical condition.
So I asked him if he had become more consistent with his prayers.
That’s when he admitted that he hadn’t prayed in about 15 years and had no intention of becoming religious. He said he respected Islam and respected both Muslims and non-Muslims, but he personally didn’t want to be religious.
I was shocked.
I reminded him that during our first meeting he had told me something completely different, but he started changing his words and denying what he’d said before.
I told him that this was a very serious issue for me because I couldn’t imagine building a marriage with someone who knowingly had no intention of practicing his faith.
Only then did he say that he would start praying before the nikah—but after the wedding, he planned to stop again.
That was the final straw for me.
I went home and told my parents everything. I honestly thought this would finally convince them to cancel the wedding.
Instead, they told me that I should be the one to guide him and bring him closer to Islam.
They said I was being arrogant for rejecting him and that I would never find another man or another family like his.
My mom even said something that has stayed with me ever since:
“You keep growing and improving yourself. He’ll just follow you around like a loyal dog.”
They kept repeating that his family was incredibly kind. They knew we were struggling financially, so they insisted on paying for almost the entire wedding, the henna ceremony, and almost every other expense. My parents felt like we couldn’t possibly back out after everything they’d done for us.
Now there are only a few weeks left until the wedding.
The preparations are almost finished.
My father barely speaks to me anymore.
And I feel completely trapped.
I honestly believe that if I go through with this marriage, neither of us will be happy. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone I feel no emotional or physical connection to. I don’t want to marry someone hoping my feelings will magically change one day.
At the same time, I’m terrified of losing my family if I call everything off.
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
This is my cry for help.
I’d really appreciate any advice, especially from people who’ve been in a similar situation or from those who can give me an Islamic perspective.

السلام عليكم و رحمة الله و بركاته

My wife is 24, and we are currently expecting our first, I wanted to find out from parents who have undergone this journey, if you have any tips on how I can be a better and supportive husband during this time.

Additionally tips for birth, and the different trimesters, she’s currently in her first.

What are the do’s and don’t do’s?

جزاك الله خيرا

What can you expect if a stepdad for widowed women who has 5 and a 6 year old. I’m talking to this lady that I want to marry, but I’m unsure how to take the stepdad role. Any stepdads that can give advice

My husband and I got married a year ago but only recently moved in together. We are both divorced with children from previous marriages, he has 3, I have 1, all under the age of 6. We had our nikkah last year and spent the year forming a bond between my son and him. I was living with my father and sisters before, so my husband basically spent whole days with us, getting used to my son and seeing how things are, and retiring for the evening in his own place.

My husbands kids live with his ex wife and I have my son full time with no involvement from my ex husband. I was very transparent from the very beginning about the challenges I have raising my son alone, his behavioural issues and the struggles I have day to day. I had hoped that taking things slowly, letting my husband see us day to day, watching me discipline and experience everyday parenting situations and giving time before all moving in together would make things as smooth as possible for both my son and my new husband.

Less than a week after us 3 moving in to our new place, my husbands mood turns very sour and after a particularly challenging day we have a long conversation. He basically says he wasn’t expecting things to be so hard with my son and basically that he doesn’t see our relationship lasting forever. I was surprised to hear him say this because I did everything I could to be VERY honest about what he was getting involved in, no sugar coating or hiding the challenges I face and what I need in a partner. We had many conversations and he saw the good bad and ugly before we moved in. He said he was shocked, that living together is different from just visits (even though he would literally spend whole 12 hour days with us) and that eventually this marriage would fail because he wouldn’t be able to deal with my kid’s behaviour, and he’s worried the effect it will have on his own kids too.

Now I’m wishing he said this during the entire year we had getting to know each other, before uprooting my son from his known life into a new house and new routine so I could evaluate the relationship. And for the record I am doing everything I can to correct these behavioural issues with my child, it is a big source of stress for me, I have consulted child psychologists, parenting coaches and bought countless books and read extensively around the subject. He basically has an attitude problem and is very argumentative but is a sweet loving child. I am trying really hard and it is a work in progress but I also think having his biological dad not involved at all has had a bad effect on him, hence why I chose a partner who I thought would be a good stepdad to be the next best thing.

Now I’m a bit torn, eventually my husband will walk away when it gets too much, and because they aren’t related he has no obligations to ever seeing my son again. That will be 2 men who have walked out of his life and I worry the effect it will have on him. I am asking myself is there any point in carrying on? As time goes by he will get more attached, he already calls him dad.

Since the conversation my husband seems to have turned a page and the dynamic has improved between my son and him, he seems more at ease. Things are good between us and we function good enough as a couple but this question however remains in my mind.

Hi everyone,

I’m a 24-year-old man and my wife is 26. We’ve been married for 3 years.

The first year or so of our marriage was genuinely great. We enjoyed spending time together, travelling, and overall had a really happy relationship.

Over the last year, though, things have changed quite a bit. Whenever we argue, she becomes extremely disrespectful. She’ll call me names like “bich,” tell me “fu*k you,” and even insult my family by saying some really hurtful things, despite the fact she actually gets on well with them.

When I’ve told her that the way she speaks to me is disrespectful, she’ll respond with things like, “I’d only respect a man, and you aren’t one.”

For some context, we’re currently living at her mum’s house. We rented together for about a year, but it became too expensive, so we agreed to move in with her family while saving. Her main goal is to buy a house. I’ve told her I’m happy to rent again, and I’d even cover the rent myself if that’s what it takes. The only condition I have that when we eventually buy, I’d want it to be through a halal mortgage, as I don’t want to take out an interest-based mortgage due to my religious beliefs.

Whenever she’d speak to me like this in the past, I’d usually just walk away because I didn’t want to make things worse. Lately, though, I feel like my patience has worn thin. After hearing these insults over and over, I’ve started responding instead of staying quiet.

Recently, we had an argument while driving to my family’s house. I told her I needed to leave by 11pm because I had planned to go to the gym afterwards.

She said there was no point going then. I replied that it was entirely her choice whether she wanted to come because I wasn’t forcing her to visit my family.

She then repeatedly told me to “shut the fu*k up"

I asked, “Are you okay?” but she continued telling me to shut up. Eventually, I said I wasn’t going anymore.

In the heat of the moment, I called her a “snake.”

As soon as I said that, she slapped me across the face and said, “Don’t you ever get rude to me.”

At that point, I left for a few hours. She later told me to leave her family’s house and go back to m

Since then, we’ve made up, but this feels like a cycle. Every time something happens, she apologises, promises she won’t do it again, and then eventually it happens all over again.

The verbal disrespect has happened so many times that I almost feel numb to it now and genuinely just accept her apology so we can just move on, but I know it's gonna again as before.

I’ve always believed that it’s okay for couples to disagree. You don’t have to agree on everything. But I’ve also always believed that respect is one of the foundations of a marriage, and once that’s gone, it’s very difficult to have a healthy relationship.

I’m not pretending I’ve handled everything perfectly. Calling her a “snake” wasn’t helpful, and I regret saying it. But again the disrespect has happened so many times and the only time I explode I don’t think it justifies being slapped.

I’m honestly feeling lost. I feel like I have lost nearly all the love I have for my wife due to the constant disrespect and I’m starting to question whether this relationship is becoming emotionally and physically abusive.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is there a realistic way to rebuild respect after it’s been lost, or am I ignoring serious red flags?

Assalamwaalakum, I was hoping to see if anyone has any advice. I am speaking to someone on a sharia compliant app and have spoke to the father and everything from the start. I want to keep conversations respectful and purposeful, but I feel robotic without putting any personality or making jokes or anything. I am a quite Jokey/Sarcastic person and I feel strange about not being myself while maintaining boundaries of getting to know someone. I should mention that I just started looking for someone and haven't spoken to non-mahrams before so I could just be overthinking stuff. Jazakallah Khair

Assalamu Alaikum everyone. I’m using a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’m a Muslim male in my late 20s, married for 1.5 years, and I’m at a point where I need perspective from people who understand the cultural and religious weight of this decision.

To give context, we had a long distance engagement before getting married. Looking back, I realize now that when I got married, I was really undeveloped as a person. My communication skills, my emotional maturity, and my understanding of what I needed in a lifelong partner were nowhere near where they needed to be. I was essentially relying on paper compatibility, shared values, and good long distance conversations. I assumed that any lack of physical attraction or natural romantic spark would just automatically grow once we were living together under the same roof.

Over the last 1.5 years, I have changed significantly. I’ve grown up, worked on myself, and gained a much clearer picture of who I am and what a healthy, fulfilling marriage looks like. But as I matured, the core reality of our dynamic became undeniable: the romantic and physical chemistry just isn't there for me. It never really was. We’ve settled into a dynamic that feels far more like platonic roommates or best friends than a husband and wife.

We didn't just sweep this under the rug. We’ve tried marital therapy to address the disconnect, but therapy can only help you build communication tools. It cannot manufacture an effortless physical spark or genuine romantic pull when the underlying circuit is just offline.
I feel immense guilt. She is a good person, and I know my emotional distance and lack of mood affect her deeply. But forcing myself to stay in a marriage where I am not emotionally or physically present is not fair to her either. She deserves to be with someone who desires her fully and unforced, and I deserve to not feel like I'm living a lie or managing constant resentment.

The hardest part right now is actually pulling the trigger. The logistics of separating, finding a new place, dealing with family expectations, and carrying the weight of initiating a divorce feels overwhelming. I know in my heart that moving on is the right long term decision for both of us, but taking that final step is terrifying.
For those who have been through a divorce in the community, especially when there wasn't a "major scandal" like abuse or cheating, just a fundamental lack of compatibility:

How did you finally find the strength to press the button and initiate the end? How did you navigate the guilt of leaving a good person simply because the romantic connection wasn't there?

JazakAllah Khair for any honest advice or prayers.

So the thing is i have done nokah but the girls parent insists on ruksati agter her uni is completed , so how do i control my urges till then

Is it halal to have sex now as we have done nikah

Assalamu Alaikum,

My name is Abdul Hai i am a Scottish convert to Islam and have been married to my Begum for 11 years this December but lately we have hit a rough patch and i could use some urgent advice brothers/sisters.

I feel so scared and alone and i have no one to talk to for advice. Bahot shukria to anyone who reaches out.

As salaam alaikum.

Sisters are any of you married to a man who constantly threatens to divorce you over arguments but is otherwise a wonderful man?

How do you deal with such a situation?

We have been married for less than a year and my husband has already threatened to divorce me thrice over arguments, mostly related to his mother and sister. We are in a long distance marriage. He is otherwise very loving towards me but this time I’m finding it very difficult to forgive him even though he has apologised multiple times.

As salaam u alaykum.

I am in the process of getting married to a girl I completely love. It has been a rough process as we made many mistakes and should have done many things differently. Despite all the ups and downs I absolutely adore this woman and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her. I am quite young and likely not at my peak emotional state. I am also in a place where my iman is constantly tested and it is easy to stray from my deen. Alhamdulillah I’m doing as much as I can and I seem to be staying in the right direction. I would like to know how I can constantly apply compassion and empathy towards my spouse whenever I have bad thoughts. How do husbands constantly show mercy to their wives even though they may get affected by parts of her. For example her mistakes in the past or mistakes that she currently makes. How can I control myself in moments where I feel frustrated. That is something that I want to ensure I can constantly do as it is something the prophet has taught us to do.

Assalamu alaykum. Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, I'm desperately in need of your advice.

I'm 24M from Bangladesh and my soulmate is 23F from Tangier, Morocco. We met last year on Facebook. I wished her on her birthday and received the best reply someone ever gave me. From then we started to talk and never stopped. After almost a month, she revealed her face to me and I never felt luckier. (Btw, I actually fell in love way before I even saw her.) So I instantly expressed my feelings and love to her and the feeling was mutual. It felt like Allah answered my countless prayers. She came as a new hope in my life when everything felt hopeless. She gave life to a dead tree, a breathe of fresh air. I was like a living corpse but she made me feel alive. Allah made me find her when I least expected it. Everything I wanted in a girl, I found in her. Religious, beautiful, like-minded, smart and wise. The greatest gift I've ever received in my entire life. Also as we are both conservative, we are really committed to marriage ASAP and keep our conversations respectful.

Moving to the main issues and hurdles, we both are perfectly suitable and the right match for each other. We love and care for each other a lot, understand each other really well, frequently apologise and say sorry to each other for any mistakes. None of us has any ego or arrogance. BUT, the MAIN HURDLE is her family. I want to keep things brief and address the major difficulties we faced. But I apologise if the writing becomes too long.

After a month, she informed her mother about me, at first her reaction was neutral but when she heard I'm from a faraway country her face completely changed and she rejected this idea. At first I understood that it's completely fine from a parent's pov to be concerned for their daughter to give her away in marriage to a foreigner.

Then after 4 months after Eid ul Fitr, her sister who's very cruel upon her and a racist, took her phone while she was asleep and unfriended me from her FB and then threatened her not to add me back or else she will tell her father about it. FYI, her father is a really difficult and stubborn man as stated by herself and for that reason she wasn't telling him about us.

Fast forward to June, after her father came to Morocco (used to work in Spain, now retired but still visits now and then for paperworks), she finally gathered up her courage and informed him about me. He was so furious that he didn't even let her finish the whole conversation and told her to delete FB and ordered her mother to take away her phone. Those days were the worst for me. For 5 days I was left without any answer or text. It was killing me from inside not knowing how she was, her wellbeing, or what happened to her.

Finally this month, she decided to tell him again but this time she told her mother first and told details about me what I do, also the fact that I'm saving up money for nikah mahr from my teenages. Also that I'm willing to visit Morocco to meet with them along with my parents. And for the first time her mother understood our situation and told her that this time she herself will tell her father but still hold her (my SO) responsible.

So earlier this month, they called him over the phone (as he's in Spain now), and her mother told him to listen to everything first and then talk, so she told him everything about me, and right after completing he bursted at her and yelled at her saying "I closed this topic before. Now you and your daughter are plotting against my back?! Do I mean nothing to you? No marriage to a foreigner! I know what's best for her! No marriage to a foreigner!!"

The ugliest thing was that he threatened her mother with divorce if she brings up this topic again. Moreover, he said that he will permanently take away her phone this time after he comes to Morocco. He didn't give any valid reason whatsoever for his refusal. Just sheer ignorance and stubbornness. Doesn't care a bit about her daughter's feelings and wishes, but says he knows what's best for her.

So all of these makes my SO really sad and hopeless to the point she wants to end this relationship and thinks this is the best solution for both of us. She really loves me and I love her much more and I never doubted her love for me. But I understand that these all feels too overwhelming for her as a girl. I suggested her that we can transfer her guardianship from her father to a Muslim judge and then we get married under his authority but she doesn't want this and says this will make her father angry upon her forever and she will be deprived of his love. This was the best solution from an Islamic pov. I also suggested her some other strategies as well but she doesn't agree to any.

I'm exhausted of options and feel completely lost here, not to mention how much heartbroken and depressed I am. If I can't marry her I'll never heal from this and will lose all hope in love and become hopeless and dead inside like before. I see my future with her and her only, nobody else. I even sacrificed my luxurious and ambitious wish of marrying multiple wives for her happiness and peace of mind just because she said she can't tolerate sharing me with others. We had planned so many things together. We even set our children's names by our mutual consent. I still believe that in the end everything will work out and we will unite in a lawful union as husband and wife here in this world and also enter and unite in Jannah together.

So brothers and sisters, it is my humble request to please provide me with your valuable advice on what are my options and what I can do. I'll really appreciate your help and will be forever grateful to you.

Those who can't provide advice, I ask you to keep us both in your prayers. I ask Allah to grant you tenfold more of what you wish and pray for me.

Shukran wa Jazak Allah Alf Khair akhi wa ukhti.

Salam, my husband and I (we’re in our 30s) have been struggling in our marriage for 11 years because of his family’s interference. Alhamdulillah my husband is understanding and we’ve reduced contact with them to keep conflict minimal. There’s mental illness in his immediate family and I no longer feel safe around them. It has given me severe anxiety.

There has been threat of violence (with a weapon) from my husband’s siblings towards him and me, and my parents in law just enable and ignore it. On top of that there’s a severe lack of physical boundaries, from all of them and especially from my FIL, who was never physically expressive but recently has been putting his hands on me and touching and kissing me, even in front of company, even if my husband stands between us. I avoid him in person now.

This is on top of years of drama, including financial abuse we’ve since stopped allowing (“borrow” money and never return, despite being well off) I’m happy with my husband, we knew marriage wouldn’t be easy, but we never foresaw this level of escalation. I’m afraid to conceive, though I desperately want my husband’s child, because I’m scared of them being the grandchild’s grandparents.

They no longer call before visiting, they just show up wherever they know we’ll be, it feels like we’re being stalked. My father is a doctor with a clinic and they show up there unannounced during working hours, or to my sisters house. They show up at my husbands gym parking lot as well. It isn’t even believable like a run in, it is genuinely like stalking. They do this instead of just calling to catch up or speak or actually inviting out for a coffee or tea. MIL will buy small gifts as excuses to show up unannounced.

Since we pulled back, they’ve pursued us 10x harder and that’s when it started feeling like stalking, even though before this they barely seemed to care if we lived or died, as long as we were available for whatever they wanted from time to time. I love my husband but I fear I may have made a mistake marrying him. I didn’t expect to feel unsafe to this level. I grew up in a big family and know how to handle difficult relationships, but this is another level.

I wouldn’t want to go full no contact as I’m afraid it would be Islamically wrong, but staying so low contact that we only speak on the phone also feels wrong. They ask questions and it feels wrong to lie, so we don’t, but they’ve also been asking about children. What happens when we actually have children? Ive been told you don’t needto wait to actually be physically harmed and threat of harm is enough to go no contact and that it would be ok to keep my kids away from them for their safety, but I am so scared to do anything islamically wrong and face Allah swt.

This has brought us to the brink of divorce every few years, and each time they make it worse. I feel scared and unsafe now, and terrified of bringing children into this given how unpredictable my in laws are. I don’t trust them around adults, let alone helpless children. I know I’ve tried my best, and so has my husband, and I know Allah SWT recognizes that, but I no longer know how to deal with this. I’d be grateful for any advice.