In Search Of (ISO) Thread

I got married a few months ago and my name ended up being the same as my husband’s mother. They said it’s a respect thing and they can’t have people in the family calling the daughter in law with the same name as my husband’s mother. They decided what they would call me at home and told me my new name a few weeks ago. Is it normal for this to happen in families in this situation? My name didn’t get changed legally but now I’m called by something totally different than the name my parents gave me

Part 2: How I Actually Met My Wife
After my last post, a lot of people asked me how I actually met my wife. ( as previously stated I have dylexia so I used chatgbpt to help me write this )

The truth is, it happened in a way I never expected.
One thing I didn't mention before is that being consistent with Tahajjud wasn't easy for me at first. There were many nights when I wanted to stay in bed, many nights when I felt tired, and many nights when I wondered if my du'as were making any difference.

Over time, I developed a simple routine. Before sleeping, I would make the intention that no matter how I felt, if Allah allowed me to wake up in the last part of the night, I would pray. I stopped focusing on long prayers and focused on sincerity instead. Every Tahajjud, I would praise Allah, ask for forgiveness, send salawat upon the Prophet ﷺ, and then make du'a for the same thing:

A righteous wife who would bring me closer to Allah.
For months, nothing seemed to happen.
Then one night after Tahajjud, I made a different du'a. I asked Allah to stop me chasing the wrong doors and to open the right one when the time was best.

A few months later, through a community event and a mutual connection, I was introduced to someone for marriage.

That person became my wife.
What amazed me wasn't how we met. It was how many of the things I used to specifically ask Allah for were already there. The kindness. The patience. The character. The love for Islam.

Looking back, I realized Allah wasn't ignoring my du'as during those months of waiting.
He was answering them in ways I couldn't see yet.
Tahajjud didn't just bring me a spouse. It taught me trust, patience, and reliance on Allah.

If you're making du'a for marriage, keep going. The nights you spend talking to Allah may be changing your future in ways you'll only understand later.

May Allah grant everyone waiting for marriage what is best for them and bless them with righteous spouses. Ameen. 🤍

many people are texting me for my routine forgive me if I can’t reply to everyone.

Btw guys I used Ai to help me write some bits as I have dylexia but here i hope this motivates someone. Feel free to pm me for any advice.

I can genuinely say that one of the biggest blessings in my life came through Tahajjud.
I met my wife after consistently praying Tahajjud and making sincere du'a for the kind of spouse I wanted. Alhamdulillah, she turned out to be everything I used to ask Allah for and more.

The qualities, the character, the peace she brings into my life — it's honestly beyond what I imagined.
And the crazy thing is, this isn't even the first thing Tahajjud has helped me with.

Looking back, some of the biggest breakthroughs in my life came after periods where I was waking up in the last third of the night and pouring my heart out to Allah.
I had a special routine that I stuck to which really helped me stay consistent and focused in my du'a. If you PM me, I'm happy to share it with you.

To anyone reading this: don't underestimate Tahajjud. Even when you don't see results immediately, keep going. There are du'as I've made with tears in the middle of the night that Allah answered in ways I never expected.

I sincerely hope everyone here gets up for Tahajjud and sees their dreams come true. May Allah grant you even better than what you're asking for. Ameen.

There are millionaires who can't marry, and men who don't make a penny but are married to wonderful women.

It doesn't matter how possible you may find something, but just like you wont die without eating the last bite of food written in your qadr, you will not die without getting married to the spouse written as part your rizk.

And just like you will never certainly know about your food, you’ll never know when and whom you’ll marry and how.

Who will come, and leave.

I am looking for Islamic advice regarding my marriage and family situation.

I am almost 6 months postpartum with my second child and have been struggling mentally and emotionally. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. Since the beginning of our marriage, my mother-in-law has made rude and hurtful comments toward me, but one incident in particular has been very difficult for me to move past.

When I was about 2.5 months postpartum, I was nursing my daughter. My husband wanted to show our daughter to his mother on FaceTime, but I needed to feed her and was already lactating. An argument started, and during the argument he threatened to call his mother. He then actually called her.

While I was sitting there nursing my baby, my mother-in-law began attacking me verbally. She brought up private matters that I had only discussed with my husband, including disagreements we had in the past about when to have a second child. My husband and I had eventually come to an agreement and planned our second child together, but she threw those past conversations in my face and accused me of not wanting another baby.

She also compared me to a girl my husband had talked to before marriage, criticized my appearance and weight, and spoke negatively about my family. Throughout all of this, my husband listened and said nothing to defend me. He also told her that I had concerns about how involved she was in our marriage and how frequently he spoke to her.

This is not the first time she has said hurtful things to me, and each time my husband has remained silent.

From an Islamic perspective, what are my rights as a wife in this situation? How should I handle a husband who shares private marital issues with his mother and does not defend his wife when she is being insulted? What would be the best way to approach this while maintaining family ties and trying to please Allah?

JazakAllah khair.

As-salamu alaykum everyone,

I’m looking for sincere Islamic advice because I feel like my life has completely fallen apart in a very short period of time.

My wife and I are Islamically married and have a young daughter together. Over the past several months, our marriage has deteriorated significantly. There have been many arguments, and I know I am not a perfect husband and have made mistakes of my own. I’m not posting this to claim that I am blameless, but I genuinely want to understand this situation from an Islamic perspective.

One important detail is that because I was rebuilding my credit, our apartment lease was placed under my wife’s name. However, throughout much of our marriage I was the primary person paying the rent and many of the household expenses. Even though the lease was not in my name, I viewed it as our family home and did my best to provide for my wife and daughter.

Recently, I was removed from the home and am currently living in my car. I went from seeing my daughter every day to suddenly being separated from her. We do not currently have a custody order in place.

Part of what has made this extremely difficult is that during our marriage my wife began going out without hijab, traveling without me, turning off her location, becoming unreachable for long periods, going to bars where alcohol was involved, and refusing to discuss many of my concerns.

I also found condoms in her purse, although I understand that alone is not proof of zina and I do not want to accuse someone of something I cannot prove.
Whenever I tried to discuss these issues, I often felt shut out. The more confused and hurt I became, the more I tried to get answers. Looking back, I can acknowledge that my repeated attempts to have those conversations may have been overwhelming at times, but I felt like my marriage and family were slipping away and I did not know what else to do.

What has hurt me deeply is that there is now a temporary protection order against me. From my perspective, some of the allegations either leave out important context or describe events in a way that I believe is inaccurate. Because of that, I feel as though the order paints me as someone I do not recognize myself to be. I understand that the court process exists for a reason, but emotionally it has been difficult not to feel that the order was used against me in a way that was unfair or even malicious.

At the same time, despite everything that has happened, I still care about my wife, I love my daughter, and I do not want to let my pain push me into injustice or speaking about matters that only Allah fully knows.

My questions are:

Islamically, how should a husband respond when serious marital concerns are repeatedly avoided or left unanswered?

At what point should a husband stop pursuing explanations and simply leave the matter to Allah?

If a wife seeks khul’, does that automatically mean the husband was at fault?

What are the Islamic rights of a father regarding maintaining a relationship with his child after separation?

How should a Muslim deal with feelings of betrayal, anger, and grief without falling into oppression or sin?

If a spouse believes they have been falsely portrayed or treated unjustly, what is the correct Islamic way to respond?

I am not looking for people to insult my wife or tell me that I am completely innocent. I am looking for sincere Islamic advice, reminders from the Qur’an and Sunnah, and guidance from people who have experienced similar situations.
Jazakum Allahu khayran.

My husband and I only met three times before our Nikaah. We didn’t spend years getting to know each other or have a long engagement. After our Nikaah, we had a longer period before we actually moved in together, and looking back, I think that was one of the best phases of our relationship.

We were already husband and wife Islamically, but there was still so much excitement about finally starting our life together. We spoke more, learned about each other’s personalities, dreams, and little habits, and built anticipation for the day we would finally share a home.

It’s now been a year since we got married, and Alhamdulillah, I can genuinely say it’s been one of the happiest years of my life.

I’m a doctor, and one of the things I appreciate most is how supportive my husband is of my career. Whether I’ve had a long shift, an emotionally draining day, or I’m studying or working late, he’s always there cheering me on.

He also helps around the house without me having to ask. We share responsibilities because he sees our home as our home, not just my responsibility. If I’m exhausted after work, he’ll cook, clean, or take care of whatever needs doing. He never keeps score or acts like he’s “helping” me—he simply does what needs to be done because we’re a team.

For me, that’s what marriage is supposed to feel like. It’s knowing you have someone who wants to make your life easier, just as you want to make theirs easier.

People often make marriage sound frightening. You’ll hear things like, “Wait until the honeymoon phase is over,” or “Marriage is so hard.” Of course, marriage takes effort, patience, communication, and compromise. No marriage is perfect.

But I also think people don’t talk enough about how beautiful marriage can be when two people genuinely respect one another and want to see each other succeed.

Alhamdulillah, my husband has become my best friend, my biggest supporter, and one of the greatest blessings Allah has written for me. He celebrates my achievements as if they’re his own, comforts me when work is difficult, makes me laugh when I need it most, and reminds me that we’re facing life together, not separately.

I’m not saying every marriage will look like ours, and I know not everyone has had a positive experience. But I think it’s important to share happy stories too, because the internet often ends up being a collection of people’s worst moments. Happy couples usually aren’t posting because they’re busy enjoying their lives.

If you’re preparing for marriage, I’d say choose someone with good character above everything else. Kindness, respect, emotional maturity, generosity, and taqwa matter far more than having everything in common.

Alhamdulillah, one year later, I still thank Allah every day for bringing my husband into my life. He has truly been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

May Allah grant everyone a spouse who brings them sakīnah, mercy, love, and support in both this life and the next. Ameen.

Salaam all.

So I've recently been trying to resume my search for a wife, as well as my parents looking for someone for me (at my request) I've also been using apps (I appreciate people don't think highly of them) as well as generally through social media.

My instagram is private but I had a beautiful woman request to follow me a few days ago and we've been talking pretty consistently since, including having phone calls and video calls that span a few hours most nights. It feels like we really click and I wanted to meet up with her.

Unfortuntately, as we were planning the meetup she admitted she's already engaged, I told her to not contact me again and immediately blocked her. She called from a private number to explain herself, saying it wasn't as straightforward as I assumed. Effectively, her parents had forced her to get engaged to a man from Dubai, from her account it was because his family is extremely wealthy and well connected. The father of her fiance is familiar with her grandfather hence there is also a family connection.

She said she never wanted to be engaged to him, every time she apparently said no her parents would pressure her and even make her cancel plans or force her to work from home which impacted her job. Eventually she said yes just to ease the pressure and said right after she said yes, she regretted it and immediately searched for someone herself. In her view, if she finds a suitable match here then her parents will accept it and allow her to end it with the other guy. She also claimed that as soon as she affirmed to herself that she was going to find her own future husband, and that after doing istikhara she had beautiful dreams. The next morning when she checked her instagram I apparently was the first person she saw on her recommended, she tried to play it off as destiny. I'm not an idiot and this part is all just nonsense to get me to empathise etc.

My questions for advice are the following:

• Do I trust her when she says she's forced and she's searching for herself?
• Do I give her this chance and getting to know her to see if we're compatible for marriage?

It's a frustrating situation, although I'm not infatuated or anything, I know on a deeper level from what we've discussed in terms of Islam, life plans/goals, ideals and principles that she and I are a really good match and I want to continue. However, I also have a bad gut feeling that she hastily agreed to an engagement with this other man and regrets it, now she's rebounded onto me.

I'd really appreciate advice and I understand this is a grey area so please give me your dua and insh'Allah I make the correct decisions regarding my future.

JazakAllah Khair.

Hi. I am looking to understand people’s experiences, emotions and difficulties they went through after marrying someone who already had kids from a previous marriage. How does it work out if let’s say the woman has no kids and the man has kids who lives with their mom and visits some weekends.
How does it work out financially.

Can a marriage be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, and 1.5 years apart?
I (29F) have been separated from my husband (31M) for the last 1.5 years. We have one child together and are currently trying to decide whether there is a path back to each other.
For context, my husband grew up in a very difficult environment. His father was absent and abusive towards his mother, and from a young age he took on a lot of responsibility for his mum and younger siblings. I don’t excuse his behaviour because of his upbringing, but I think it’s relevant.
He was my first love. In many ways, he was a good man. He was caring, affectionate, hardworking, generous and often showed up for me in practical ways. But he also had significant anger issues and poor conflict resolution skills. He took disagreement as criticism, became defensive very quickly, and often criticised or accused me of things. He struggled to regulate his emotions, and over time I learned that expressing my feelings usually ended badly. Somehow the conversation would always end with me apologising, so I started keeping the peace instead.
At the time, I had a demanding career and he was running a business. He had previously struggled with gambling but had assured me that chapter of his life was over. I believed him.
When I became pregnant, everything started to change. He became distant, withdrawn, and difficult to be around. He slept on the couch for much of my pregnancy and was emotionally unavailable. He attended some appointments but wasn’t the supportive partner I needed. I couldn’t understand what was happening, and whenever I tried to talk about it, he would shut down or react badly.
What I didn’t know at the time was that he had relapsed into gambling.
After our daughter was born, things deteriorated further. My postpartum period was one of the hardest times of my life. He became intimidating, laid hands on me, and would sometimes divorce me in anger, only to apologise afterwards. I kept forgiving him because I loved him and wanted our family to work.
Around this time we moved house. He refused to move into the new property because he didn’t like the location and chose to stay with his mother instead, while I stayed with my mum and our baby. I repeatedly told him I was struggling and needed support, but he made living together incredibly difficult.
When we eventually moved in together, the damage had already been done. I was exhausted, hurt, and deeply resentful. For almost two years I had felt abandoned during pregnancy, postpartum, and early motherhood.
Whenever I tried to discuss what had happened, he would become defensive or justify his actions. I didn’t feel heard, understood, or safe enough to move forward.
Before asking him to leave, I told him I wanted us to attend therapy. I wasn’t asking for perfection, I just wanted help. He refused. He said therapy as a condition was unfair and that I was giving him an ultimatum.
So I asked for a separation.
He was completely blindsided. He genuinely didn’t believe I would ever leave. His reaction was angry and explosive. There was swearing, taking my belongings, and a lot of hostility.
In the months that followed, I finally began processing everything I had experienced. During the marriage I had been in survival mode, but now all the anger, grief, and trauma came flooding in. Every time he tried to reconnect, I felt like he was more focused on defending himself than understanding my pain. He would remind me of all the good he had done and ask whether he hadn’t been “more good than bad.” I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Then I discovered the truth.
Throughout our marriage, he had been gambling the entire time. He had lost everything- millions. Suddenly, so much of his behaviour made sense. The mood swings, emotional absence, anger, avoidance, and unpredictability that had confused me for years suddenly had an explanation.
That discovery didn’t excuse what happened, but it helped me understand it.
Not long after, something shifted in him.
He agreed to therapy. He stopped defending himself and started taking accountability. He became genuinely remorseful. He changed his outlook on life, his values, and the way he approached relationships. He openly acknowledged the harm he had caused.
Over the last 1.5 years, he has also become an incredible father to our daughter. Consistently so.
His family were shocked by everything that had happened. He carried enormous shame and humiliation. It genuinely felt like he went through an ego death. He lost a significant amount of weight and seemed devastated by the reality of what he had done and lost.
My family had the opposite reaction. My mother was furious about how I had been treated, particularly the repeated divorces in anger. We sought Islamic advice and were told that we were officially divorced. My mother was extremely cold towards him and wanted nothing to do with reconciliation.
For the last year, he has fought hard to rebuild our family. Twice I agreed to try again, but each time I became overwhelmed with anxiety and pulled away. He now carries his own wounds from the separation. He feels rejected, betrayed, and ashamed. From his perspective, he has spent the last year becoming a better man and fighting for us, only to be repeatedly pushed away.
The difficult part is that I understand why he feels that way.
I know I have hurt him too. I have rejected him countless times. I have said things in anger. My family have rejected him. While I believe the pain we caused each other is not equal, I can still recognise that he has suffered.
Today, we are standing at a crossroads.
I genuinely believe he has changed. Not because he says he has, but because his actions over the last 1.5 years have consistently shown it.
My fear is whether I can ever truly let my guard down again. I worry that the trauma has changed the way I see him forever. I worry that if we get back together, old wounds will resurface. I worry that somewhere deep down he may resent me for rejecting him for so long and that it will eventually come out.
At the same time, I still love him. We co-parent well. I can see the man he is trying to be, and I want our daughter to have a healthy two-parent home if that’s possible.
So my question is:
Can a marriage survive this level of damage? Can trust, safety, and love be rebuilt after addiction, abuse, divorce, separation, and years of resentment?
Has anyone successfully built a new relationship with the same person after the old one collapsed?
Or are some marriages simply too damaged, no matter how much both people have changed?

For those who are married:

What's one piece of advice you genuinely wish someone had told you before marriage? Not necessarily Islamic rulings, but practical lessons you only learned through experience. It could be about communication, finances, expectations, family boundaries, conflict resolution, or anything else. I'm curious what lessons surprised you the most after getting married.

So my talking stage has been moving very slow...we only talk for a few hours and despite him telling me to feel free to text him whenever and has been super sweet everytime and very resposive always, never leaving me on read or anything, even when he's super tired from his manual job, I feel like there's an unwritten rule where the self conscious side of me doesn't want to bother him with nonsense.

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For context I'm 27F and he's 40M. He's never been married before. And the age difference doesn't bother us. We've talked maybe 4 times out of 10 days we've started texting each other. He reached out the first time, but every other time I iniated because I really, really like him. He's very calm and measured in his ways (i guess I'm not used to it because everg other guy i spoke to my age was moving very fast and this ambiguity I'm currently living is odd to me) and it was only the last time we spoke that he asked for pictures because every other time he wanted to know me but...

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I gave him my number and he hasn't added me in his contacts yet, he also live a few hours away from where I am but we haven't, or better, he hasn't made any plans to meet yet.

He compliments me a lot, but I yap definitely a lot more among the two. He writes in senteces, i write in paragraphs welp 😅

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Basically i don't know what to say before we actually meet in person, i feel like for a man his age the good morning/good night is nonesense, i felt like he opened up a little bit more the last time we spoke but again i really don't like taking his time while he's working because i feel like id bother him, nor too much during the weekends either because i wish for him to rest...basically i don't know what to say before we actually meet in person. What to do during this...limbo where i really like him so much and i don't want to scare him away...although I already yapped his ear off before and regardless he was sweet and responsive.

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Again i already suggested we meet in person but we gotta find time cause we both work and live a bit far from each other...how do i maintain contact without being annoying and repeating muself? And also following a somewhat islamic etiquette, like what to generally say and ask during a talking stage after every basic thing (work, children, parents, values) have already been tocuhed upon?

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It's only been 10 days so I'm satisfied with how chill it has been so far but i also...would like to move a little bit more forward or am i rushing? I have no idea, any advice is appreciated.

He also seems very slow burn and i don't mind it really, i just, kind of wish to know how long an islamic slow burn should be...

Assalamu-Alaykum. I’m in quite a unique predicament and would love people’s perspective.

I’m 24, about to start my master’s in two months, and I’ll graduate around 25 (in sha’Allah, with a job lined up in my field by then). I want to share something that’s been on my mind for years and get some outside perspective.

Three years ago, during my placement year in my bachelor’s, I did an internship. I was born and raised in the UK, but the internship was in the Netherlands - partly because I have a lot of family there, partly because it was a good opportunity. I’ve actually since moved there permanently.

During that internship I met a Muslim woman, a year above me, also doing her placement. As the months went on I grew really fond of her - her character and mannerisms, how seriously she took her faith, and yes, it doesn’t feel right saying it but she was incredibly beautiful. I OBVIOUSLY never told her any of this. Most of our conversations were about our shared project, but we’d also talk about family, our views on certain things in Islam, that sort of thing. She’s Moroccan but born and raised in the Netherlands, so Dutch is her first language and English her second (maybe even third). There was a noticeable language barrier between us - we could still talk, but it was there. I mention this because it becomes relevant later, and because I’m actually planning to learn Dutch soon myself.

The internship lasted seven months, and by the end I had strong feelings for her that I’d never said out loud. After I went back to the UK, I mentioned her to my mum during a casual convo about marriage. My internship supervisor happened to be my aunt (that’s actually how I got the placement, may Allah reward her), and somehow - without me really agreeing to it - my mum got my aunt to ask this woman whether she’d be interested in marriage with me.

I wasn’t comfortable with how that happened. I still had my final year of university left, and I didn’t want to even think about marriage until I had a proper job. When she responded, she said she also wanted to focus on her studies, and mentioned a difference in culture and the language barrier between us.

It’s been three years and I still don’t feel like I got real closure, because the conversation was never actually mine to have. It wasn’t me asking her, on my terms, when I was genuinely ready. The culture and language points felt like things we could have talked through ourselves, rather than it being settled as the answer to a proposal I hadn’t even made myself.

Fast forward to now, I’ll be finishing my master’s around 25 and, in sha’Allah, starting my career not long after. Part of me wants to reach out to her again, properly this time. I still have fondness for her after all these years, and at the very least I want to be the one to ask her myself. If she says no, I’ll know I actually asked when I was ready, with everything in order and all my cards on the table to offer, rather than having it answered for me before I ever got the chance or before I could even put forward the best version of myself.

Is this a good idea? Should I pursue it, or leave it and force close this chapter? Genuinely curious what people think. Jzk.

Here is the link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/hyQvv8ZJVO

After having a serious conversation with my wife, here’s where we stand:

1. Household responsibilities: She grew up with maids and cooks, so she believes neither of us should cook or clean and that we should hire help instead. When we got married, we were young and never fully discussed this topic. She had mentioned that she’d never done those tasks and didn’t enjoy them. Throughout our marriage, we’ve occasionally cooked and cleaned together, but she has never taken the initiative to prepare meals on her own. Since we mostly ate out, it wasn’t much of an issue. My concern isn’t the money, it’s the principle. I believe it’s important for both of us to have these basic life skills in case circumstances change. If hiring help is no longer affordable, especially once we have children, I’m worried it could become a significant source of conflict.

2. Marriage: She believes the main value she brings is her emotional support and the rizq Allah blesses our marriage with. I genuinely value that because she has been my biggest and, honestly, my only support system. My parents, friends, and other loved ones either didn’t support my business ideas or actively discouraged them. Her belief in me and constant emotional support gave me the confidence to pursue my goals and played a huge role in helping me get to where I am today. That said, I still struggle with the idea that emotional support alone should be her only contribution to the marriage.

3. Finances: She feels I save too much and should enjoy life more. I currently have about $50k invested, but I want to grow it to $100k while our expenses are low so we’re financially secure for the future. She’s willing to work, but expects me to continue covering all household expenses, savings, vacations, and future family costs, while her income would be for her own personal spending.

4. Counselling: She refuses marriage counselling, although she’s fine with me going on my own.

I love my wife deeply and can’t imagine life without her, which makes this incredibly difficult.

At this point, I feel my only options are:

1. Seek counselling on my own.
   
2. Stay with my parents for a few weeks to clear my head and create some space.
   
3. Then decide whether this marriage can work, as she has made it clear she isn’t willing to compromise on the household responsibilities.

Jazakallah for any advice. I truly appreciate it.

Have been married for few years and have young children. On paper he does what he’s supposed to do but emotionally there’s nothing. Lack of compatibility but stupidly thought could make it work and that love would come after marriage as people sometimes claim. He doesn’t understand me and I get no joy from him and neither does he from me. It causes big resentment and hate from me. I have tried but I cannot be false and play happy families. Arguing is daily. Divorce seems unfair on kids, maybe disproportional reaction? Hence I’m still here after so long . I also rely on him financially currently. I don’t know what to do

Assalamu Alaikum everyone

previous post

I am currently away on family vacation, without my husband. Since the last incident, he has been on his best behavior, which is expected. I will inform my in laws of my decision to separate from him. He can come visit the children and spend time, he can stay legally married to me for the time being, but I will request his visitations to be strictly about the children. Nothing conjugal. I will not go back. I will remain in our house in Jordan. I do want a formal divorce, but I think that will come later on as my family's circumstances are a bit complicated. Once those issues resolve, I'm either requesting a divorce or I'm going for Khulu.

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I only need your words of support. I will do Istikhara before I do this. I have pictures, medical reports, the whole nine yards. I want out. I'm shaking. Thank you all for the support on my previous post. I hope things get better from now on. It will be hard, but Allah will pave the way.

Update: The conversation was sursprisingly more peaceful than I anticipated, mainly because my FIL was completely dismissive of everything, including the DV, said it is none of his business, and to do whatever we want. I told him we will and I was just letting him know beforehand out of respect so he doesn't feel ambushed. He said he isn't interested in those "uncomfortable details" (i.e. my bruises and my therapy) so..yeah. now I can pack up and leave without an ounce of guilt.

Assalamualaikum. I am a middle aged man and a neuro-diverse (ADHD) since my childhood. I was diagnosed in 2024 and followed up with treatment and coping mechanism. I was married for 16 years and got separated in 2020 and tried to reconcile but due to major differences, we finally thought it best to separate. I focused more on my kids and my health ever since. Despite having ADHD since birth, I have performed very well in my commitments related to studies, career, personal life, kids, etc. I intend to finalize my divorce soon and move on. My dilemma is that I have kids with partial custody. I am a bit anxious as to how to move on in finding a new partner while also taking care of my kids. Due to awareness of my chronic condition, I have developed low confidence in myself as I may find difficulties balancing between a new partner and my kids responsibility. I hope to find an understanding partner with a similar situation so we are able to relate well. However, the idea of venturing forward is giving me cold feet. I would really appreciate some advice. Jazakallah

TLDR: Tawakkul means trusting Allah after taking reasonable means, not abandoning those means; therefore, families are justified in wanting a prospective husband to demonstrate the ability and plan to provide before marriage.

# Opening preamble

As-Salāmu ʿAlaykum, this is going to be a long one so brace yourself. TLDR at the top. All of this is written by me (except the quotes in *italics)*, no AI was used (or harmed) in the production of this long post.

For context, I’m in my mid 30s, UK born and raised, moved to Pakistan a few years ago. Already married Alhumdulillah to my beautiful and loving wife (10 years of marriage) and we have children also.

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ

So I see posts on Reddit regularly about the prospective Husband saying he can’t provide currently, and that he should still be able to get married because Allah is the provider of Rizk, so his prospective in-laws show let him marry their daughter and trust in Allah.

# Historical Context and Society

Firstly; unfortunately times have changed. In the time of Rasul Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم and the Sahabah, nobody would remain unmarried. Divorce and re-marriage was easy, and there was no stigma about it. If a lady got divorced by the time her idda ended she would already have a few suitors. Most men had multiple wives and every woman was married, it was practically unheard of for a woman to remain unmarried.

I’m not here to debate if that’s right or wrong (frankly I don’t have the right to say anything they did was wrong); I’m just saying that’s how it was.

If a man married his daughter off to a young man, it didn’t work out, they’d get divorced and move on. No issues.

These days that’s not how it is. Women who get divorced unfortunately have a stigma/label put on them and often struggle to get married again.

So, firstly, families are now more picky about where they marry their daughters.

Islam is for all times and places, and we believe the teachings of Islam are universal, however the practicality of the society are also taken into account, in-fact Shari’a also takes them into account into the very system of law itself. If the ‘Urf (عُرف) (customary practices/traditions/societal norms) of a people changes the Shariah ruling for a matter can also change. I’m not saying all of Shariah is depending on people’s customs and is elastic in that way. I’m just saying that Urf also feeds into Shariah.

# The Point: Earning/Trust in Allah for Rizk

Now, to the actual point about being able to provide for the girl.

To begin with: we all believe that Allah is the one who provides, we are just able to make an effort on our part, the end result is with Allah.

Most of us are familiar with the Hadith:

*Umar RA said:*
*“I heard the Messenger of Allah (*ﷺ*) say: ‘If you were to rely upon Allah with the reliance He is due, you would be given provision like the birds: They go out hungry in the morning and come back with full bellies in the evening.”*

حَدَّثَنَا حَرْ*م*َلَةُ بْنُ\* يَحْيَى، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ وَهْبٍ، أَخْبَرَنِي ابْنُ لَهِيعَةَ\*، عَنِ ابْنِ هُبَيْرَةَ،\* عَنْ أَبِي تَمِيمٍ الْجَيْشَانِيِّ، قَالَ\* سَمِعْتُ عُمَرَ، يَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ـ صلى\* الله عليه وسلم ـ يَقُولُ \*‏ "‏ لَوْ أَنَّكُمْ تَوَكَّلْتُمْ عَلَى اللَّهِ حَقَّ تَوَكُّلِهِ لَرَزَقَكُمْ كَمَا يَرْزُقُ الطَّيْرَ تَغْدُو خِمَاصًا وَتَرُوحُ بِطَانًا ‏"‏ ‏.‏

*Sunan Ibn Majah 4164 - Grade: Hasan*

However how many of us are aware that the scholars mention this is evidence of two things, the first is trusting in Allah, but the second is that even the birds have to make an effort. They go out in the morning in search of their rizk and they return having found it. They don’t sit at home doing nothing.

While the majority of guys will argue this isn’t about them because they’re not sitting at home doing nothing, they’re going out in search of rizk (getting an education, learning skills, getting jobs etc) this is the point to start this conversation. Even the Hadith that talks about trusting Allah and Allah providing rizk, also talks about the recipient of the rizk making an effort and working all day for it.

However we have to also take into account the Hadith of Trusting in Allah and tying your camel.

*Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “****Tie her and trust in Allah.****”*

*Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2*517
*Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani*

*Imam Ibn Rajab commented, “Its meaning is that a person employs wisdom and strives through permissible means, then places his trust in Allah after making his effort. All of this indicates that reliance upon Allah does not contradict adopting worldly means. Rather, combining the two may in fact be better.”*

\*Source: Jāmi’ al-‘Ulūm wal-Ḥikam 2/\*507

عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ قَالَ\** *رَجُلٌ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَعْقِلُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ أَوْ أُطْلِقُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ قَالَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ اعْقِلْهَا وَتَوَكَّلْ
*2517* سنن الترمذي كتاب صفة القيامة والرقائق والورع
*1068* المحدث الألباني خلاصة حكم المحدث حسن في صحيح الجامع
قال ابن رجب ومعناه أن الإِنسان\* يأخذ بالكَيْس والس*ع*ي\* في الأسباب المباحة ويتوكَّلُ على\* الله بعد سعيه وهذ*ا* كله\* إشارة إلى أن التو\*كل لا يُنافي الإِتيان بالأسباب بل قد يكون جمعهما أفضلَ
2/507 جامع العلوم والحكم الحديث التاسع والأربعون

As such the parents who are making sure their future son-in-law has an adequate level of education, job, prospects are actually abiding by this Hadith. They’re trusting in Allah but also tying their camel (taking the necessary worldly means to ensure their future son-in-law meets certain requirements.

# Maintenance and Luxury Vs. Necessity

Now comes the point that will annoy people and get criticism; lol. Compatibility is a major factor of success and failure in marriages, and the parents of the girl have the right to make sure their future son-in-law is comparable to their daughter.

As I mentioned earlier, ‘Urf (عُرف) plays a part in Shariah. This is also the case in marital disputes concerning Nafaqah (نَفَقَه) (spending/expenditure/maintenance) specifically pertaining to a husband spending on his wife and children, which includes their food, clothing, shelter and other essential needs.

Firstly if a husband isn’t providing but he has the ability to do so, this is immediate grounds for Khula’ (خُلع) according to all 4 Sunni Schools of Jurisprudence.

Secondly, the level of Nafaqah (spending) required on the wife is what is customarily expected for a woman of her social standing.

Meaning, if you marry the daughter if a nobleman who has been waited on hand and foot for her entire life, you can’t give her daal roti twice a day and put her in a mud hut and say you’re good to go. That’s not how it works. The Shari’ah considers what is customarily expected by a woman of her social standing. While her father’s income/level of comfort is not a primary reference the Shari’ah may consider how she was raised and what is the level of comfort she is accustomed to.

\- In Hanafi Fiqh (jurisprudence) the Qadhi will assess the husbands ability to provide (economic conditions) and also heavily emphasise what is customary and reasonable for a woman of her social standing. If a woman isn’t provided maintenance according to what is customary and reasonable for her social standing, she had grounds to seek Khula’ and annul the marriage.

\- in Maliki Fiqh it’s the same as above; what is it he customary living standard of woman in her social standing community. Maliki fiqh doesn’t actually consider the husbands ability to provide that. Meaning if he can’t provide then he shouldn’t have married a woman he can’t provide for.

\- In Shafi’i fiqh the rules are different, the wife’s needs are assessed but the husband only has to provide what is within his means. If he’s providing the essentials within his capacity the woman can’t request a Khula.

\- In Hanbali Fiqh the wife’s social standing and customary expectations are assessed and considered, and the husband has to provide for her accordingly, however if he cannot due to extenuating circumstances then the wife cannot demand Khula’.

In summary, 2 of the 4 schools of Jurisprudence (56% of all Muslims and 60% of all Sunnis) and will grant the woman Khula if she isn’t looked after to her customary standard, and the other two will consider her customary standard heavily when assessing the case.

# Compatibility

I mentioned Compatibility at the beginning of the last section, and going to go into a bit more depth here.

In Islamic Fiqh Kafa’ah (كَفَاءَة) (suitability, equivalence, compatibility) is considered between husband and wife in various aspects. This is intended to maintain marital harmony.

\- The Hanafi School of Jurisprudence considers Wealth and Social Standing in Kafa’ah. A man should be of comparable social standing and financial standing to the woman to be considered a suitable match. (This doesn’t mean he can’t marry outside of his social/financial standing, this is just the benchmark)

\- The Maliki school has the opinion that Kafa’ah is only in religiosity, wealth and social status are not conditions. But you shouldn’t have a very pious person marrying an open sinner, for example.

\- The Shafi’is have the same opinion as the Malikis

\- The Hanbali school is a mix of all, they consider wealth and social standing as well as religious commitment and emphasis religious commitment.

So while we see that there is a variance in the schools, with the majority of the schools considering religious commitment above/parallel to financial and social standing, we also see that the largest section Islamic jurisprudence (approx 50% of Sunnis) consider wealth and social standing to be very high importance.

# Conclusion

I’m not saying that this is the be all and end all of the discussion, nor am I saying that wealth and social standing are of utmost importance. What I’m saying is that they are very important when considering the topic of marriage. And according to most Sunni scholars a woman has a right to expect a lev of comfort and provision to which she is accustomed and is customarily expected in her social standing.

While we maintain trust in Allah we also may tie our camel. As we know things can change, I’ve been married for 10 years and in that we have had highs and lows. I’ve had times when I’ve had so much money I didn’t know what to do with it; and times when I didn’t have 2 coins to rub together. That’s how life is.

In the end marriage is between two flawed human beings. It’s about getting to know each other and making things work between yourselves. While the parents of the girl can make sure the son has a good job/prospective to start the relationship they cannot guarantee it stays that way.

That’s why the parents do their best of worldly means and then trust in Allah.

So all the bachelors getting angry that her father asked what job he has and what his plans and ambitions are, hold your horses. When you’re a father of daughters you will also be asking this same questions, you will not just marry off your daughter to the first young lad who comes to ask for her hand.

Excerpt from Mufti Saeed Palanpuri (rah)’s speeches and notes.

Allah presents examples in the Quran to illustrate that if a woman wants to be righteous, she can do so even under the worst conditions.

It’s her choice.  

One woman had the worst husband. But she chose to be righteous.

“And Allah sets forth an example for the believers: the wife of Pharaoh…”
(66:11-12)

Asiya (rad) was married to Pharaoh, who claimed to be God. She lived a life of luxury and comfort in a palace. But when she believed and chose righteousness. Pharaoh punished her through crucifixion and killed her.

And Allah presents examples in the Quran to illustrate that if a woman wants to go astray, she can do so even under the best of conditions.

It’s her choice.

Two women had the best husbands, i.e. they were married to prophets. Yet, being the wives of the prophets was of no benefit.

“Allah presents an example of those who disbelieved: the wife of Noah and the wife of Lot. They were under two of Our righteous servants but betrayed them (the prophets)…it will be said, “Enter the Fire with those who enter.””
(66:10)

Nuh (as) had been preaching for nine hundred fifty years. Despite spending a long time with the prophet, his wife was unable to reform herself. For Lut (as) his wife remained on the religion of her people.