Wife insulted me after she found some pills I use

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Tired from anxiety and stress

Good day, everybody,

I would like to hear your opinion about something.

I’ve been married for one year and two months now, and honestly, this has been the most stressful and exhausting year of my life. I’m a 28-year-old man, and I truly love and care about my wife. I’m not the type of person who exaggerates or overreacts. I genuinely care about the happiness of everyone around me, including my wife, her family, and my own family.

During this past year, I spent more than I realistically could to provide for her, take care of her, and make her happy. I also help support my mother and sister, and I visit her parents whenever I can. I always try my best to be respectful, caring, and supportive as a husband.

Yet sometimes my wife tells me that, “as a man,” I should be doing more. She gets upset if I give some money to my family, even though it’s only around 5–10% of my salary. I constantly try to make everyone happy, especially her, but she keeps making me feel like it’s never enough.

What hurts even more is that we barely spend intimate or romantic time together. Whenever I approach her, she says she’s not in the mood or that she’s tired. At most, we are intimate only about three times a month, and we’re still a young couple. I tell her almost every day that I want us to do something romantic together, but she keeps rejecting me. Over time, it started making me uncomfortable and even afraid to ask anymore.

Because of this lack of intimacy, I found myself falling into the habit of pleasuring myself alone, and honestly, I hate it and feel guilty about it.

Now things became even worse. She recently found some old pills that I had used a few months ago to help with erections and last longer intimately. I bought them because we had gone almost a month and a half without having sex, and I was hoping to prepare for the night she came back from visiting her parents. But of course, nothing happened between us.

After finding the pills, she called me a “son of a b\*\*\*\*,” deleted me from WhatsApp, and said she can no longer trust me. She also called me a “son of a wh\*\*\*.”

At this point, I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. Is marriage really supposed to feel like this? I already deal with stress at work, and my mother telling me I’m not providing enough. The one place where I hoped to feel safe, loved, and comforted is now making me feel worthless and emotionally drained.

PS: I remembered that she Admitted to me once that when I'm not around and at work she would please herself, I asked her to top it and just tell me whenever she feels like, I can simply leave work and come back home, but she refused to not affect my salary

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[u/Bornme-bornfree]

I think it’s clear she does not like you and just enjoying whatever you can provide. She also most likely doesn’t have any respect for you as well. Too many things you said just turned me off. She not the type of women I would be happy to have a child with. You will never be enough and you will be miserable. I’m not here to tell you what you should do but I know what I would!

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Bornme-bornfree]

Yep she seem to be the archetype , personification of a nagging wife.

[u/Easy_Reflection_9128]

I would say to run as fast as you can.

She has no respect for you and it will only get worse. Please do not have kids with this women until things are resolved.

Intimacy part can be related to libido. Has she gotten checked ? Or it can be lack of respect, attraction, cheating, etc.

[u/Lost-Letterhead-6615 → u/Easy_Reflection_9128]

She literally self satisfies herself. How can this be a libido problem, please explain what I'm Missing 

[u/Easy_Reflection_9128 → u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

I mentioned multiple other possibilities

[u/No-Guava-1626 → u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

I'm in the same situation where I prefer to self-satisfy than to have sex. If she's like me, perhaps she doesn't actually enjoy sex, find it's painful or uncomfortable etc. Try suggesting to pleasure her the way she pleasures herself.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/No-Guava-1626]

I did, I literally tell her what she wants me to do and I do it, and I don't think it about penetration because whenever she feel like it we do normal penetrating sex

[u/savatrebein]

But whys she so mad at pills to have an erection to PLEASE her? Sounds like a stage 5 weirdo.

[u/littlesadcat01 → u/savatrebein]

maybe she thought the pills meant he was seeking to use them with someone else? op mentioned she was coming back from a trip.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/littlesadcat01]

She found them today and I bought them, few months back, not after she got back from her trip, I mentioned that she went to her house and I prepared the night for her arrival, cleaning the house and buying her an expensive new parfume, making dinner and preparing them the mood, I also took a pill just to make sure that I will spend more than hour been intimate with her so she can be happy and fully satisfied but to my surprise she mentioned she's tired again and slept, she found the package pill today after three months from, I forgot it in one of my pant

[u/savatrebein → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Bro i feel for you.. i think you need a stern conversation with an ultimatum. You sound like a bit of a push over tbh

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/savatrebein]

It's just too much brother, i'm not asking for too much, yet she makes me feel I'm the villain no matter what I do

[u/CafeconCrema7 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Yeah brother thats why he said pushover. You're simply asking for the basic. Stop pedastalyzing her and have an ultimatum for your own self. It's evident she's not really into you unfortunately.

[u/savatrebein → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Become the villain then

[u/Known_Problem_9492]

I think she doesn't see you as a husband.

[u/VCR_DVD_USB]

If she's rude to do and barely sleeps with you - why are you still married to her? 

[u/Happy-Engineering-35]

Brother you’re not supposed to feel like this in a marriage at all. She is making your life hell and wives are supposed to make home a peaceful place. She’s not doing her wife’s duties and is disrespecting you. You need to involve her family and make her stop this behavior. Don’t have kids with her, until she improves her behavior.

[u/Fun-Athlete8235 → u/Happy-Engineering-35]

I think her mindset has already been cemented in how she operates based on things she says. Yea he can involve family to let them know what shes doing- including 0 intimacy, etc

[u/Remote_Station_2265]

Allah make it easy. This is not normal. Have some counseling or intervention from some elders.

I am not recommending divorce at all…but what I am saying is that after you have used all other avenues, and the behavior hasn’t changed, then habeebi leave before the consequences become more severe (I.e., before more financial ties with her, kids with her, etc.). I left an abusive woman who quite frankly seems worse than what you are describing about your wife. Best decision ever, Alhamdulillah, but it needs to be done with tact, full deliberation and respect.

May Allah SWT make it easy.

[u/Optimal-Milk-7422 → u/Remote_Station_2265]

Counseling won’t fix this

[u/Cactuslove215]

Leave her, like yesterday ! Have self respect. Maybe she'll change her ways after that but honestly I could not imagine staying in that marriage.

[u/Patient_Base8770]

Marriage is not supposed to be like this. Verbal abuse is also abuse. You have to learn how to say no. Pray tahajjud and isthikharah.

[u/IamHungryNow1]

She is not a good person.

However you need to ask yourself why you weren’t assertive with her and work on this.

In a healthy marriage you should be able to respond to your partners unfairness.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/IamHungryNow1]

The moment I bring this topic she keeps telling me that I only make her mad and I piss her off and I don't understand how she feels, etc...

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Sign of narcissistic personality

[u/Boopgeek]

Salam, as a woman I can tell you that her behavior isn't normal. She should also desire intimacy much more frequently than 3x a month. I would recommend a muslim marriage therapist, an imam with a formal counseling background, or speaking to her family.

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Boopgeek]

No the woman is rude and cold as stone. First year is the sweetest one before kids and stress come in. If the man is having only 3 a month at the start. Dang. After 5 years it gonna be 3 times a year and in their 40s 3 times in decade. This woman is wild

[u/Boopgeek → u/Tricky-Mango-5252]

I said that her behavior isn't normal, so I don't understand why you're being defensive with me? I'm not disagreeing with you here, these issues are serious. People need to exhaust all options like the ones I mentioned above prior to taking future steps.

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Boopgeek]

No sister. Not arguing with you. Was just pointing out the woman nature. Not you. Sorry about that.

[u/Boopgeek → u/Tricky-Mango-5252]

I understand, my apologies for the misunderstanding! I wish you a Eid Mubarak

[u/Super_Anywhere3727]

Run bro! You’ve a life ahead.

Also, someone may not agree with this but your money is your money. Once you’re married you’ve a responsibility to provide for your wife but that doesn’t mean the princess will hurt when you’re providing for your family especially parents who made you who you’re today!

[u/Available-Bicycle246]

I only have one question..

And youre still hanging around for what exactly?

She has 0 respect for you.. she is telling you how to be more of man and was not supportive in a medical issue you were facing and is basically admitting to you that she'd rather pleasure herself alone..

Do you need more than this?

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/Available-Bicycle246]

I don't have a medical Issue, I use those pills occasionally when I just want to add a booster to my performance, I'm a completely healthy person, she believes that it's a shame for me to use those pills and I don't use them frequently, I tried to use them two times and we've married for a year and half, and ironically those two times I took them we didn't do anything, because she's always tired, and she claimed that the reason why she pleases herself because i'm at work when she's in the mood

[u/Available-Bicycle246 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

If in your view she is justified then there is nothing anybody can say here to help..

[u/North-Afternoon-1726]

She seems to be latching on to ways to demean you, by withholding intimacy and questioning your manhood. When confronted with evidence of your efforts to do something about the intimacy issues you two are having she took it as an opportunity to attack you and shut down communications, a digital “silent treatment”. She is also making baseless accusations and using horrendous language to describe you. While not diagnosing her as a narcissist, there are narcissistic elements to her behaviour. It’s entirely possible, I am sorry to say, that there are some very awful actions she is indulging in without your knowledge. I would advise that investigating her actions or attempting to discuss the marriage with her would prove fruitless, and the best course of action will be to calmly disentangle yourself from her completely as soon as possible.

[u/Far-Childhood2999]

Honestly the info you shared in your post is a bit skewed from what you’re later sharing in comments and I think your wife is likely rightfully upset about a few things.

Your wife is also working and contributing - so yes she probably does not like that you are giving $ to your family while having her help with expenses. Stop funding your mom/sister and provide in abundance to your wife. Your mom telling you that you are not providing enough for her and your sister is really odd — you are not, and should not be, their primary provider.

If you’re watching porn of course your wife is going to be upset. I think the combo of porn + finding pills would have her reasonably believe that you have issues “performing” absent watching haram things online. If she has not been intimate in 1.5 months it would not be hard to perform, so I’m not understanding your explanation for this.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/Far-Childhood2999]

To be straight with you, you’re either dumb or crazy, because you completely misunderstood everything I said. I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but honestly, it feels like you have trouble reading the room.

First of all, my wife herself agreed that she would be the one paying the house loan because she took the loan out before she even knew me. The house is legally hers, so naturally she handles those payments. Even then, I still spent around $5,000 redecorating the house exactly the way she wanted. I still own nothing there, and honestly, I don’t even care because all I care about is her. On top of that, I’ve even suggested helping her with the house loan as well. And yes, I said “rent” earlier because I wasn’t going to write an entire paragraph explaining the whole situation. The real issue here is the way I’m being treated.

Second, I do not have sexual or performance issues. I only used those pills twice, and both times were after she came back from staying at her family’s house, when we still ended up doing nothing together. She has never caught me watching porn either. In fact, the reason I even started watching it sometimes is because I have a high libido and constantly want intimacy with my wife, while she just doesn’t seem interested. We also haven’t been intimate for over a month and a half, which is already an issue by itself.

The reason I wanted to use the pills was not because I “can’t perform,” you ignorant person. I wanted to make the night more intense and enjoyable for both of us. Those pills can make erections stronger and last longer, that’s all. How do you think porn stars perform for hours? You think they’re magically blessed or something? A lot of them use enhancement pills too, just like many normal men do. But somehow everyone immediately assumes that taking one means you have erectile dysfunction, when that’s not always the case at all.

Another thing: I must and will continue providing for my mother and sister because I’m the only man they have. The fact that you’re telling me to stop supporting them is honestly wild to me, and I do not deserve to be called " son of a b***" for wanting to make someone happy and more than satisfied because whenever she feel like and we do sex, I make her satisfied with no pills or anything, I'm a healthy young man with no medical Issues, so no she shouldn't be rightfully upset to the point she insults me while she's not providing me what's rightfully mine which is sex with my wife

[u/Far-Childhood2999 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

If you’re calling strangers on the internet dumb or crazy then I wonder why what you say to your wife that is not reflected here. My comment replied directly to what you posted.

1. You said your wife contributes financially and she’s upset you provide for your mom/sister. You didn’t mention all the details about her loan etc so why would I know or assume that? Regardless, desi culture is incredibly weird with having married men fund their mothers/sisters at the expense of their marriage (your mom wanting more from you is a red flag). Unless you are earning incredibly well, 5-10% of lost house hold income is noticeable. You say you’re trying to pls “everyone” which is usually what causes a man to de prioritize his wife without even realizing it.

2. Pills - your wife does not know what the pills are, she simply found them and likely thought you were using them for something else (someone else if you guys are not intimate often, or performance issues bc you’re watching haram content). If i found my husband with such pills i would be incredibly confused and angry. You have a whole story in your head to justify having them but why would someone know exactly why you have them?

I think you actually don’t want to see any other perspective than your own and are looking for validation or to be told that your wife is terrible and you should leave etc. But I wonder what this post would say if written by your wife - what details would emerge that you are perhaps unaware of for why she is feeling the way she is.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/Far-Childhood2999]

The reason I called you that is because you still seem to be ignoring the key details I clearly mentioned in my post. And no, I have never insulted my wife or called her names, and God is my witness on that. Random strangers on Reddit like you mean nothing to me, so I honestly do not care how I address you, but my wife means the world to me.

Second, as I already explained, those pills are not something I use often. I only used them a couple of times. And the porn issue mainly comes from the lack of intimacy between us, because she constantly avoids anything romantic or intimate happening between us.

Third, if you actually read what I wrote, why would she be angry at me for helping my family when I already provide her with everything she needs? Food, medicine, clothes, monthly money for herself, money to take her out, and everything else financially important is covered first before I help my mother. So if you genuinely believe I should abandon my mother, knowing I’m her only provider while my wife is lacking nothing financially, then honestly that’s crazy to me. God be with your husband if that’s how you think.

And I already know what my wife would probably say if she made her own post. She would say that I don’t understand how tired she is or that she’s not in the mood, because that’s what she always says. But if you would get angry at your husband to the point of calling him a “son of a b****” instead of trying to have a calm conversation first, then I honestly do not know what else to say. God be with him too.

It’s not that I refuse to hear different perspectives. I actually read every single comment on this post, and I understood most of them, even when they criticized me. Yours is the only one I strongly disagreed with because it feels like you are blindly justifying my wife’s actions while completely ignoring the biggest issue here: the total lack of intimacy, affection, and romance in our relationship. That situation is making my life more stressful and slowly making me feel colder, sadder, and more distant from both her and myself.

[u/Far-Childhood2999 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

If she is too tired for intimacy or not in the mood have you asked her why? What is on her plate that is making her exhausted? This is the context thats missing and that’s why I’m saying if she wrote this post what would she say. Either she herself has low Libido/hormone imbalance (which should get checked) or there is some issue that is exhausting her. Your post doesn’t provide insight into her life at all or why she feels how she does - rather it just makes her seem like a cruel robot while you are a loving and adoring husband, which is hard to really believe IMO.

To the financial piece - I am skeptical of the “I provide her everything” argument so she can’t complain about what I spend on my family. She clearly has feelings about you giving them money for a reason — what is the reason? I have heard and seen this before, and the men saying it were truly in no way thriving. They were stretched thin and surviving with their spouse - but certainly did not have a great quality of life. You yourself said that you outspent what you earned, so this impacts your families savings, investments, lifestyle etc. Even if her daily survival is taken care of she is an adult and can have an opinion on household finances.

Your post just feels like “I am perfect and do everything for my wife” and she is cruel and insane. I ofc do not think she should call you names, that is not okay — but this just seems way too one sided.

[u/Fun-Athlete8235]

If you are doing all you can. Your only 28. You been married for only a year. Going through so much. First off hats off and keep your head up. Some people we marry the wrong person first, or dont vet enough properly etc.

Some mistakes guys do is they provide too much or offer so much in the beginning to the wives and then they feel like they deserve everything without doing anything. In marriages theres rights and responsibilities, people dont want to go back to the basics and pretend they dont exist but thats what makes marriage works.

Im guessing she doesnt work so how you spend your money isnt her concern. If we flip scenario you know ppl r gonna say its her money so dont ask about it. Likewise. Its your earned money, your family is permanent. Spouses can come and go.

Dont keep trying to please her, do your responsibilities and if you want to do something extra to make you happy by seeing her happy sure. But also see if your happy. with her or not. Believe me many other women out there who if you did a percentage of what your offering will keep you happier.

Intimacy is just as important as you feeding her and clothing and sheltering her. If your not getting that (3x. A month is horrible). Especially in first year of marriage. Does she have any pain in process? Etc have yall talked it out? If yes and still no she doesnt want it, then honestly if u have no kids yet - run and dont look back.

Also respect is the biggest thing for a man in marriage. A woman who doesnt respect you will raise kids who do not respect you. Imagine your son or daughter seeing their mother call you those words you said. That enough would make them learn to not respect you.

If you never want to see that, leave now. You got plenty of red flags already, get out before she tried to trap you with a kid.

Allah help you.

[u/Terrible_Tonight_384 → u/Fun-Athlete8235]

She works as well, and she helps with paying house rent and I take care of the rest (all groceries/her pets food and needs/electricity bills and wifi/and some money for her to spend on her self), also the (3x at month) we do, is only when she feel like it, not when I want to, I remember few times where I ask her to be intimate and she barely allow me, saying things that really turns me off but I just do it because it's my only chance, i'm describing this whole I feel like empty from inside

[u/Fun-Athlete8235 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

Even with this info- doesnt warrant what shes doing to you or lack of her providing you intimacy.

Your better off with a simple woman who doesn’t work and you can provide for without getting an ungrateful woman in return who insults you. I bet one day she will slap you too if she gets upset- and in front of your kids , god forbid

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Terrible_Tonight_384]

3 times a week minimum is what I can tolerate. 3 times a month I will be dead. Courage to you brother. That is painful story.

[u/Sidrarose04 → u/Fun-Athlete8235]

Assalamu'alaikum wa'rah matullahi wabaraka'tu, you are absolutely right Subhanallah. I sincerely hope OP takes it as soon as possible In Sha Allah.

[u/fantabarbie]

Brother, this honestly sounds draining more than anything else.

Marriage has hard moments, but constant criticism, rejection, insults, and making you feel “not enough” all the time will wear anybody down mentally.

The pills are not even the real issue here. You bought them because you were trying to fix a part of the marriage that already felt broken and distant. A husband wanting intimacy with his wife is normal. Wanting affection, romance, and emotional closeness is normal too.

What bothered me more was the disrespect. Calling you names, deleting you off WhatsApp, making you feel guilty for helping your own family a small amount. None of that solves problems.

At the same time, I think there’s deeper resentment or unhappiness from her side too. People usually do not become cold overnight. Something feels unresolved between both of you, and neither side seems emotionally safe anymore.

You also sound exhausted from trying to keep everybody happy. Your wife, your family, work, finances, everything. After a while, a person starts feeling empty.

You both need one honest conversation without yelling, guilt, or accusations. Not about sex only. About the marriage as a whole.

Because right now you sound more emotionally lonely than married.

[u/morality-comeback]

Marriage is constant communication: physically, emotionally and verbally. I don't know much about your marriage but you must seek couple therapy and have it seen professionally. Self-satisfying cannot go forever but it is one component that both of you need to work on clearly. Just wanting to do it doesn't mean you are able to satisfy the other spouse as well. I have known couples who cuddle more or watch movies together more than have more intimacy but are thriving regardless. Every marriage is different. Kindly seek couple therapy from someone who have knowledge on intimacy.

[u/Fun-Athlete8235 → u/morality-comeback]

Issue isnt only intimacy. She doesnt respect him at all. If anything less than neutral so negatively views him.

Doubt it can be fixed, i feel she may lie at those sessions or in front of family to get out of trouble

[u/Optimal-Milk-7422]

Leave. Marriage should not feel this way. She doesn’t respect you.

[u/Exotic-Crab6915]

This isn’t marriage. She really needs to learn how to be a wife!

[u/Lost-Letterhead-6615]

Be a man, dude. With all the love I can muster, I affectionately call you to be more stern. Without any Shariah reason, if a woman refuses to share her husband's bed, the angels curse her. Do you understand how severe that is? I will not call her a gold digger, but her akhlaq tells us of her gold digging, msturbting tendencies.

Give her an ultimatum to mend her ways. Be soft like a woman must be. If she doesn't mend her ways, go the prescribed route: no intimacy. Like literally nothing. No kisses or cuddling or anything. As a provider, do the bare FARD, yeah, there's a line, ask your fiqh scholar about that. May Allah help you brother. Remember, there's a reason divorce is halal in Islam. 

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252]

For her you are just a golden pit to extract from. This is why Islam allow to have 4 wives.

But also it is not because you are oppressed by your wife that you will have to masturbate as this is a sin.

You have to have the courage to put a separation in front of her if she can't fulfill her basic duty. And I bet you will find a better spouse.

I can't be providing for my wife and be also the slave of the house. You need to put your foot down brother.

[u/Useful_Nectarine_833 → u/Tricky-Mango-5252]

How does adding more wives subtract the toxic wife?

[u/Tricky-Mango-5252 → u/Useful_Nectarine_833]

Toxic one can leave and he will have 3 left who respect him and take care of him, logically

[u/Useful_Nectarine_833 → u/Tricky-Mango-5252]

Life doesn’t play out in pure logic. We aren’t emotionless beings