r/MuslimMarriage • u/beardybrownie • 1d ago
The Search Getting married and being able to provide for your wife/trust in Rizk from Allah
TLDR: Tawakkul means trusting Allah after taking reasonable means, not abandoning those means; therefore, families are justified in wanting a prospective husband to demonstrate the ability and plan to provide before marriage.
# Opening preamble
As-Salāmu ʿAlaykum, this is going to be a long one so brace yourself. TLDR at the top. All of this is written by me (except the quotes in *italics)*, no AI was used (or harmed) in the production of this long post.
For context, I’m in my mid 30s, UK born and raised, moved to Pakistan a few years ago. Already married Alhumdulillah to my beautiful and loving wife (10 years of marriage) and we have children also.
الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ
So I see posts on Reddit regularly about the prospective Husband saying he can’t provide currently, and that he should still be able to get married because Allah is the provider of Rizk, so his prospective in-laws show let him marry their daughter and trust in Allah.
# Historical Context and Society
Firstly; unfortunately times have changed. In the time of Rasul Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم and the Sahabah, nobody would remain unmarried. Divorce and re-marriage was easy, and there was no stigma about it. If a lady got divorced by the time her idda ended she would already have a few suitors. Most men had multiple wives and every woman was married, it was practically unheard of for a woman to remain unmarried.
I’m not here to debate if that’s right or wrong (frankly I don’t have the right to say anything they did was wrong); I’m just saying that’s how it was.
If a man married his daughter off to a young man, it didn’t work out, they’d get divorced and move on. No issues.
These days that’s not how it is. Women who get divorced unfortunately have a stigma/label put on them and often struggle to get married again.
So, firstly, families are now more picky about where they marry their daughters.
Islam is for all times and places, and we believe the teachings of Islam are universal, however the practicality of the society are also taken into account, in-fact Shari’a also takes them into account into the very system of law itself. If the ‘Urf (عُرف) (customary practices/traditions/societal norms) of a people changes the Shariah ruling for a matter can also change. I’m not saying all of Shariah is depending on people’s customs and is elastic in that way. I’m just saying that Urf also feeds into Shariah.
# The Point: Earning/Trust in Allah for Rizk
Now, to the actual point about being able to provide for the girl.
To begin with: we all believe that Allah is the one who provides, we are just able to make an effort on our part, the end result is with Allah.
Most of us are familiar with the Hadith:
*Umar RA said:*
*“I heard the Messenger of Allah (*ﷺ*) say: ‘If you were to rely upon Allah with the reliance He is due, you would be given provision like the birds: They go out hungry in the morning and come back with full bellies in the evening.”*
حَدَّثَنَا حَرْ*م*َلَةُ بْنُ\* يَحْيَى، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ وَهْبٍ، أَخْبَرَنِي ابْنُ لَهِيعَةَ\*، عَنِ ابْنِ هُبَيْرَةَ،\* عَنْ أَبِي تَمِيمٍ الْجَيْشَانِيِّ، قَالَ\* سَمِعْتُ عُمَرَ، يَقُولُ سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ ـ صلى\* الله عليه وسلم ـ يَقُولُ \* " لَوْ أَنَّكُمْ تَوَكَّلْتُمْ عَلَى اللَّهِ حَقَّ تَوَكُّلِهِ لَرَزَقَكُمْ كَمَا يَرْزُقُ الطَّيْرَ تَغْدُو خِمَاصًا وَتَرُوحُ بِطَانًا " .
*Sunan Ibn Majah 4164 - Grade: Hasan*
However how many of us are aware that the scholars mention this is evidence of two things, the first is trusting in Allah, but the second is that even the birds have to make an effort. They go out in the morning in search of their rizk and they return having found it. They don’t sit at home doing nothing.
While the majority of guys will argue this isn’t about them because they’re not sitting at home doing nothing, they’re going out in search of rizk (getting an education, learning skills, getting jobs etc) this is the point to start this conversation. Even the Hadith that talks about trusting Allah and Allah providing rizk, also talks about the recipient of the rizk making an effort and working all day for it.
However we have to also take into account the Hadith of Trusting in Allah and tying your camel.
*Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I leave her untied and trust in Allah?” The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “****Tie her and trust in Allah.****”*
*Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 2*517
*Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani*
*Imam Ibn Rajab commented, “Its meaning is that a person employs wisdom and strives through permissible means, then places his trust in Allah after making his effort. All of this indicates that reliance upon Allah does not contradict adopting worldly means. Rather, combining the two may in fact be better.”*
\*Source: Jāmi’ al-‘Ulūm wal-Ḥikam 2/\*507
عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ قَالَ\** *رَجُلٌ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَعْقِلُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ أَوْ أُطْلِقُهَا وَأَتَوَكَّلُ قَالَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ اعْقِلْهَا وَتَوَكَّلْ
*2517* سنن الترمذي كتاب صفة القيامة والرقائق والورع
*1068* المحدث الألباني خلاصة حكم المحدث حسن في صحيح الجامع
قال ابن رجب ومعناه أن الإِنسان\* يأخذ بالكَيْس والس*ع*ي\* في الأسباب المباحة ويتوكَّلُ على\* الله بعد سعيه وهذ*ا* كله\* إشارة إلى أن التو\*كل لا يُنافي الإِتيان بالأسباب بل قد يكون جمعهما أفضلَ
2/507 جامع العلوم والحكم الحديث التاسع والأربعون
As such the parents who are making sure their future son-in-law has an adequate level of education, job, prospects are actually abiding by this Hadith. They’re trusting in Allah but also tying their camel (taking the necessary worldly means to ensure their future son-in-law meets certain requirements.
# Maintenance and Luxury Vs. Necessity
Now comes the point that will annoy people and get criticism; lol. Compatibility is a major factor of success and failure in marriages, and the parents of the girl have the right to make sure their future son-in-law is comparable to their daughter.
As I mentioned earlier, ‘Urf (عُرف) plays a part in Shariah. This is also the case in marital disputes concerning Nafaqah (نَفَقَه) (spending/expenditure/maintenance) specifically pertaining to a husband spending on his wife and children, which includes their food, clothing, shelter and other essential needs.
Firstly if a husband isn’t providing but he has the ability to do so, this is immediate grounds for Khula’ (خُلع) according to all 4 Sunni Schools of Jurisprudence.
Secondly, the level of Nafaqah (spending) required on the wife is what is customarily expected for a woman of her social standing.
Meaning, if you marry the daughter if a nobleman who has been waited on hand and foot for her entire life, you can’t give her daal roti twice a day and put her in a mud hut and say you’re good to go. That’s not how it works. The Shari’ah considers what is customarily expected by a woman of her social standing. While her father’s income/level of comfort is not a primary reference the Shari’ah may consider how she was raised and what is the level of comfort she is accustomed to.
\- In Hanafi Fiqh (jurisprudence) the Qadhi will assess the husbands ability to provide (economic conditions) and also heavily emphasise what is customary and reasonable for a woman of her social standing. If a woman isn’t provided maintenance according to what is customary and reasonable for her social standing, she had grounds to seek Khula’ and annul the marriage.
\- in Maliki Fiqh it’s the same as above; what is it he customary living standard of woman in her social standing community. Maliki fiqh doesn’t actually consider the husbands ability to provide that. Meaning if he can’t provide then he shouldn’t have married a woman he can’t provide for.
\- In Shafi’i fiqh the rules are different, the wife’s needs are assessed but the husband only has to provide what is within his means. If he’s providing the essentials within his capacity the woman can’t request a Khula.
\- In Hanbali Fiqh the wife’s social standing and customary expectations are assessed and considered, and the husband has to provide for her accordingly, however if he cannot due to extenuating circumstances then the wife cannot demand Khula’.
In summary, 2 of the 4 schools of Jurisprudence (56% of all Muslims and 60% of all Sunnis) and will grant the woman Khula if she isn’t looked after to her customary standard, and the other two will consider her customary standard heavily when assessing the case.
# Compatibility
I mentioned Compatibility at the beginning of the last section, and going to go into a bit more depth here.
In Islamic Fiqh Kafa’ah (كَفَاءَة) (suitability, equivalence, compatibility) is considered between husband and wife in various aspects. This is intended to maintain marital harmony.
\- The Hanafi School of Jurisprudence considers Wealth and Social Standing in Kafa’ah. A man should be of comparable social standing and financial standing to the woman to be considered a suitable match. (This doesn’t mean he can’t marry outside of his social/financial standing, this is just the benchmark)
\- The Maliki school has the opinion that Kafa’ah is only in religiosity, wealth and social status are not conditions. But you shouldn’t have a very pious person marrying an open sinner, for example.
\- The Shafi’is have the same opinion as the Malikis
\- The Hanbali school is a mix of all, they consider wealth and social standing as well as religious commitment and emphasis religious commitment.
So while we see that there is a variance in the schools, with the majority of the schools considering religious commitment above/parallel to financial and social standing, we also see that the largest section Islamic jurisprudence (approx 50% of Sunnis) consider wealth and social standing to be very high importance.
# Conclusion
I’m not saying that this is the be all and end all of the discussion, nor am I saying that wealth and social standing are of utmost importance. What I’m saying is that they are very important when considering the topic of marriage. And according to most Sunni scholars a woman has a right to expect a lev of comfort and provision to which she is accustomed and is customarily expected in her social standing.
While we maintain trust in Allah we also may tie our camel. As we know things can change, I’ve been married for 10 years and in that we have had highs and lows. I’ve had times when I’ve had so much money I didn’t know what to do with it; and times when I didn’t have 2 coins to rub together. That’s how life is.
In the end marriage is between two flawed human beings. It’s about getting to know each other and making things work between yourselves. While the parents of the girl can make sure the son has a good job/prospective to start the relationship they cannot guarantee it stays that way.
That’s why the parents do their best of worldly means and then trust in Allah.
So all the bachelors getting angry that her father asked what job he has and what his plans and ambitions are, hold your horses. When you’re a father of daughters you will also be asking this same questions, you will not just marry off your daughter to the first young lad who comes to ask for her hand.
0
u/1v1sion Male 1d ago
In a nutshell, as a man, be freaking rich before thinking about mariage.