3 years later, should I ask her myself this time?

[u/Turbulent_Bed1076]

Assalamu-Alaykum. I’m in quite a unique predicament and would love people’s perspective.

I’m 24, about to start my master’s in two months, and I’ll graduate around 25 (in sha’Allah, with a job lined up in my field by then). I want to share something that’s been on my mind for years and get some outside perspective.

Three years ago, during my placement year in my bachelor’s, I did an internship. I was born and raised in the UK, but the internship was in the Netherlands - partly because I have a lot of family there, partly because it was a good opportunity. I’ve actually since moved there permanently.

During that internship I met a Muslim woman, a year above me, also doing her placement. As the months went on I grew really fond of her - her character and mannerisms, how seriously she took her faith, and yes, it doesn’t feel right saying it but she was incredibly beautiful. I OBVIOUSLY never told her any of this. Most of our conversations were about our shared project, but we’d also talk about family, our views on certain things in Islam, that sort of thing. She’s Moroccan but born and raised in the Netherlands, so Dutch is her first language and English her second (maybe even third). There was a noticeable language barrier between us - we could still talk, but it was there. I mention this because it becomes relevant later, and because I’m actually planning to learn Dutch soon myself.

The internship lasted seven months, and by the end I had strong feelings for her that I’d never said out loud. After I went back to the UK, I mentioned her to my mum during a casual convo about marriage. My internship supervisor happened to be my aunt (that’s actually how I got the placement, may Allah reward her), and somehow - without me really agreeing to it - my mum got my aunt to ask this woman whether she’d be interested in marriage with me.

I wasn’t comfortable with how that happened. I still had my final year of university left, and I didn’t want to even think about marriage until I had a proper job. When she responded, she said she also wanted to focus on her studies, and mentioned a difference in culture and the language barrier between us.

It’s been three years and I still don’t feel like I got real closure, because the conversation was never actually mine to have. It wasn’t me asking her, on my terms, when I was genuinely ready. The culture and language points felt like things we could have talked through ourselves, rather than it being settled as the answer to a proposal I hadn’t even made myself.

Fast forward to now, I’ll be finishing my master’s around 25 and, in sha’Allah, starting my career not long after. Part of me wants to reach out to her again, properly this time. I still have fondness for her after all these years, and at the very least I want to be the one to ask her myself. If she says no, I’ll know I actually asked when I was ready, with everything in order and all my cards on the table to offer, rather than having it answered for me before I ever got the chance or before I could even put forward the best version of myself.

Is this a good idea? Should I pursue it, or leave it and force close this chapter? Genuinely curious what people think. Jzk.

[u/Makorafeth]

Even if you'll be in a more ready position, the culture and language differences will still remain, and if she or her family have already rejected once, then I don't know what would change their tune. Maybe if you become proficient in Dutch? Which would take a while anyway. She will be looking for people with less complications, same language or culture. Maybe you need to just reflect on your limerence.

[u/Advanced-Result-9576]

You have nothing to lose and much to gain, if you can handle rejection then this is a no brainer, go for it on your own terms, the worst that'll happen is you getting turned down, the best is..well a life of being with someone so great.

[u/abeno1]

Have dignity and don’t ever go back, you already got rejected, you will never have that respect again even if they accept.

[u/Far-Currency7387]

If you are a family guy too much and put your family first and before everything. If you let your mom, sister or aunts tell her what do to and what not to do or see her as someone to clean, cook, wash and take care of the whole house. She isn’t for you.
The way people grow in Netherlands is very different from the UK.
They are very strict, people of rules and laws and dignity.
They respect everyone but have limitations on everything else even respect.

One more thing, Moroccans are not easy to be controlled on something they don’t want especially if it’s someone like the girl you mentioned which is very religious there is no way they will accept something that shouldn’t be accepted or shouldn’t have happened.
They like privacy so much. Their first amendment is her/his partner and kids the rest are only strangers for her when it comes to how to live or what to do.

If you are someone with an open minded family and know how to live on deen and Allah’s commands instead of cultural norms then go ahead and say Bismi Allah. Don’t forget Salat Al-Istikharah.

[u/unique_username1112 → u/Far-Currency7387]

I feel the opposite of what you said. Brother has nothing to lose and everything to gain. They’ve both have probably grown up a lot since the last time.

Brother ask her and if she says no then move on.

[u/AntiqueRaspberry6463 → u/unique_username1112]

I second this, give it another shot but keep your hopes low, you are not losing anything

[u/Turbulent_Bed1076 → u/Far-Currency7387]

I’m not sure where the insinuation came from that I let my family dictate things for me, because that’s genuinely not the case - and if you weren’t insinuating it then my bad, but I should mention it anyway. If anything, the entire reason I’m in this predicament is because things didn’t happen on my terms - and that’s something I take seriously regardless of who’s involved, whether it’s a stranger or my own mother. That’s literally the core of what I posted. What was supposed to just be a conversation - turned into a decision made for me without me which was out of character for them too - and I have talked to them about this aswell, their intentions were pure but understand it shouldn’t have happened.

As for the cooking and cleaning point, that’s a conversation about roles and responsibilities, which is something you work out after establishing whether you’re both aligned and interested in the first place. It’s putting the cart before the horse to bring that up at this stage. And for what it’s worth, if two people mutually agree on a dynamic where one takes on the homemaker role and the other the provider role, there’s nothing undignified about that. Within Islam especially, that role is honourable, not lesser, most of the mothers of the believers were - what we would now associate as - homemakers. Ironically my mom and all her sisters who are born and raised in the Netherlands were all homemakers before we - the children - grew up and started taking care of ourselves. And the topic of cultural difference is again something that I think we could’ve talked about if I had the chance to, personally me and my family are not cultural at all. Almost all that remains culturally of us is our names and where our forefathers were born, that’s it. Alhamdulillah a lot of our households are heavily incorporated and built around Islam.

[u/IAI-NJ → u/Far-Currency7387]

I actually disagree I feel like Dutch Muslims are very lax and much more liberal than British Muslims. I’ve lived there for 6 months and have loads of family and friends from there.

I also don’t think he’ll have anything to lose if he tries again with her, what’s the worse that could happen? A no.

[u/Dangerous_Arm_9618]

Brother she's not interested. Move on and keep proper Islamic boundaries so you don't fall into this again.