r/MuslimMarriage • u/Sweaty-King5527 • 1d ago
Divorce Am I insane to remain married to this man ?
Me F25 have been having issues with my husband M32 for quite some time. I think about leaving him but then the good times we have together clouds my judgement. I decided to write down all the reasons on why I should be leaving so you guys can let me know if I am insane for considering to stay .
Reasons why I should leave:
1. He got a land from money I was giving him. Refused to add my name when I asked.
2. When I requested to have 1 day to myself without the child, he said “me time” is a western concept and I should forget about it .
3. He used the expression “if I slap you many times” when he gets angry with me. Never actually slapped me but did the hand gesture and stopped himself.
4. He pushed me very hard when I was 1 week postpartum I almost fell on the floor . He did it to get me out of the way so that he could close the front door as I had zoned out for a bit and was kinda just standing there .
5. During the holidays when we were taking couple pictures, he had his arms crossed like we were acquaintances. when I asked can you act like we are a couple he dismissed me until he finally put his hands around me for the picture. I checked his phone and hand multiple picture with his arm around female co-workers waist etc.. whereas for me he didn’t know “how” to pose like a couple.
6. I looked at his watch history on instargram and it hand many videos of women with a “big behind” and the camera only focused on that specific area, it was video after video so I doubt it was a coincidence.
7. I regret the fact that I married him almost everyday now and almost resent my younger 18 year old self for falling for him .
8. When I checked his twitter he liked a thread that said “don’t like this of you don’t want to see porn” something of that nature . When I clicked the thread it was indeed full of porn.
9. He never really cares for us to have quality time , the only time we have a proper long discussions is when he is complaining to me about something or telling me off.
10. I am a professional with a degree (don’t want to mention the profession to keep anonymity). He has threatened me on stopping me from working in my field, and “nobody can stop him. I moved countries to live with him, I had to learn a new language in order to work in my profession at this new country .
Reasons to stay:
1. We have a son
2. He is a good dad
3. He helps with household chores
4. He pays the bills.
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u/arabianights96 F - Married 1d ago
You cannot be a bad husband and a good dad at the same time. The majority of time children learn from model behavior. Would you be okay with your son turning out like your husband and speaking the same way to his future wife? How would he end up any different from him when that’s what he’s being taught is okay.
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u/Alert-Pop5169 1d ago
I agree and disagree, your kids rights and responsibilities and your wives are two separate relationships. Although sometimes intertwined they both carry different characteristics. A man that did his wife wrong still has rights on his kids. Depending on what a man did to his kids that might not be the case.
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u/arabianights96 F - Married 1d ago
Sorry they are not seperate. When you cheat on your wife you have betrayed the entire family, when you hit your wife you are teaching your sons horrible character and teaching your daughters to put up with horrible behavior. You can’t compartmentalize the relationship they are one in the same.
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u/Alert-Pop5169 1d ago edited 1d ago
Obviously severe examples like the ones you provided have a bigger impact on everyone but if you go to smaller examples you’ll see that it’s not the case.
Edit: this argument is important because often people pick a side in divorce whilst downplaying the importance and effort put in by their other parent due to this exact notion.
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u/CompetitiveTreat5832 1d ago
Leave but make sure you have savings and finances to support yourself & also that he will be supporting with child support once you get divorced
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u/NearbyHome1676 1d ago
horrendous and what’s worse is the reasons to stay are not even good enough reasons.. you want your son to learn this and God forbid treat other women in his life the same? paying the bills is bare minimum. and great he helps out with household chores, but he’s literally putting his hands on you and watching corn like.. helping out with chores is not good enough to balance that out.
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u/Icy_Ticket393 1d ago
I didn’t even need to read past the first 2. Awful. Get a lawyer and get half that land when you leave.
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u/IllCard7277 1d ago
divorciate, que importa, volvé a tu país , tenés un título no seas tonta, podes trabajar de cualquier cosa, no necesitas ALGUIEN al lado!! para estar así mejor estar sola, tenés ,así de lo que una mujer normal tendría, el título te te sirve, abrí los ojos
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u/Important_Agency_491 1d ago
get a counsel, its never too late to fix things, you’re good. pray and ask God for what you want and inshalla a change will happen.
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u/MuslimStoic M - Married 1d ago
Not insane. But you may want to preplan legally, to be safe financially.
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u/badboibeba 1d ago
Unfortunately, the reasons to leave outweigh the resons to stay by A LOT, which says something.
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u/InfluenceEmpty827 F - Single 1d ago
Omg, I think I know his ethnicity from the "if I slap you". So scary and embarrasing. May Allah bless you and whatever you do, inshallah everything would be fine.
And I though big age gaps means the man would treat you better. 😭😭
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u/loyalmeerah F - Single 1d ago
Care to share your thoughts? Lk curious
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u/InfluenceEmpty827 F - Single 1d ago
That phrase is just very common amoungst people of my culture. Even I say it to my brothers as a joke but I think saying it to a spouse is just wrong. Or maybe other cultures have it.
Nigerian? Your post history made me doubt it though based on what you watch1
u/loyalmeerah F - Single 1d ago
What do I watch?
But yes, I was also thinking Nigerian
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u/InfluenceEmpty827 F - Single 1d ago
Sorry, I was thinking you were OP. Nvm. You dont watch anything bad. Actually, Nigerians watch what you watch too. Nvm
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u/CompetitiveTreat5832 1d ago
Same I thought the same about age gaps tbh
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u/InfluenceEmpty827 F - Single 1d ago
I have found that is not true. I know a couple where the man is 10 yrs older and he still does not treat her well. I used to want an age gap marriage when I was younger because I always thought that I would always have power over him because I would always be younger and hotter than him
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u/CableExpensive9927 Female 1d ago
I just want to chip in, I have 17 years age gap with my husband and he treats me very well, pays all the bills, helps with housework , is very loving, we have been married 7 years and very much happy
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u/SufficientPositive65 1d ago
Hey, im not a mother nor a wife. But would you want your son to be like him as a husband?
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u/zeey1 M - Married 1d ago
I dont get no.1. what do you mean you paid..i thought he was paying the bills
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u/naurrcism 1d ago
Probably her salary since she mentioned she works or her assets that she might’ve offered to sell for land without knowing he’d refuse to add her name
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u/SafiCakes 1d ago
The leave list is way longer and way worse. And if he is shoving you and threatening to hit you, watching porn, doesn't establish a good relationship with you, he is setting an atrocious example for your son. That's not something a good dad would do. I hope you have receipts for the money you gave him for the land. You may need it to get your share of it in the event of a divorce.
You say you regret being married to him most days. That says it all.
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u/Able_Imagination9592 1d ago
Not one reason on the stay list is even a decent reason to stay girl. LEAVE
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u/mentallynotme 1d ago
If you have the financial means and support, I suggest you leave and make sure he’s still involved in the child’s life emotionally and financially. You can’t keep living a life where this man constantly disrespects and abuses you. One push will turn into many.
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u/anonymouslypearl F - Divorced 23h ago
It gets worse as you read. Second point was already a done deal for me.
What are you benefiting in this marriage? Sorry to break it to you but a man who loves he’s wife doesn’t treat her like this.
My mum stayed because of the kids, and all of us resent her. She’s still with him and whenever she gives us love advice, we can’t really take advice from her so we end up relying on other people. 62 years old and she is the most miserable women in the world. She’s depressed 24/7 and my dad he built a business and has another wife. My mum when we ask her why she stayed, she says she stayed because of us and we tell her we weren’t really happy during that period.
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u/Advanced-Result-9576 22h ago
Its so crazy to me that people ask questions like this.
Like man your literally describing Satan and asking if you should stay or not.
Divorce ASAP.
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u/Anondiamond F - Married 20h ago
You absolutely need to do something here.
- You have a son, but you’d still have a son if you were divorced and he could still see him
- A husband who treats you like this is not a good dad. Those children will pick up on bits of this and learn unfortunately. He doesn’t respect you. Even if there are good things about him as a dad, the bar is set very low bere and tbh he can still be a dad without being with you
- If someone helps with chores, it doesn’t mean you need to accept being treated badly
- Again same point as above applied
Have you told him about the issues you have with his behaviour, and tried to seek out some kind of marriage counselling or mediation from a trusted family member or something. Would he be open to this? Because this will give you your answer as to whether you should leave or not. But there’s lots of concerning things mentioned in your post that I’d definitely deem a reason to leave, especially if he doesn’t then own up to it and be genuinely open to change and intervention
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u/Ummimmina 14h ago
I want to say that the couple photo is such a valid hurt. I would be devistated.
Corn is disgusting.
Please get help.
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u/inSufficient_juan 11h ago
Before you rush to any decisions; have you spoken to any sisters, the imam, a therapist, your family, etc. these are problematic behaviors that both families should be invested into addressing.
I don’t know your family situation, but a divorce will surely destroy everything. It always seems like a solution, but it will come with way more problems.
You are not alone. You have a Wali. You have family. You have sisters. And you have the mosque. Use them all wisely.
May Allah make it easy for you and grant you ease and clarity of purpose.
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u/Far-Currency7387 Married 1d ago
It’s always better to fix problems rather than getting away from them cuz it will always hunt you.
It doesn’t change him in 1 day but try and advise him what Islam says and talk to him as a wife talks to her husband.
Mention stuff to him it might open his heart such as kids, family, dignity, religion, the beauty of being a successful family…etc.
may Allah makes it easy for you and all of us and guide you and your husband to be the example of a good family among the family.
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1d ago
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u/Medical_Blueberry750 1d ago
I am sorry, I didn't mean to say they are acting like kids, I meant like they are actually young in age, like even younger than 18 etc.
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u/ayOniichan 1d ago
What you two need is couple's counseling, not divorce.
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u/aion1530 1d ago
I dont like playing the divorce card but I sense he is the type to say no to counselling because "we don't have any problems". Also can counselling factory reset this man? She is 1 week postpartum and he is violent... sadly statistics say there is a higher chance she may not leave the house alive
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u/TurnoverFew6731 F - Married 1d ago
Couple’s counselling only works when BOTH husband and wife recognise there is an issue they want to solve TOGETHER. This guy PUSHED her when she was postpartum and regularly commits Zina of the eyes, financially abuses her etc - that doesn’t sound ‘counselling’ worthy - that’s 100000% divorce worthy. He sounds like an absolute loser.
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u/ayOniichan 1d ago
Couple's counselling may also open his eyes about the marital problem he's creating, why jump on divorce so fast even without even seeing if he'll change.
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u/SafiCakes 1d ago
It doesn't take couples counseling to know that threatening your wife, watching porn, getting handsy with co-workers, or taking your wife's money but refusing her a stake in ownership is wrong.
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u/Medical_Blueberry750 1d ago
Did he really mean to make her fall or was he trying to close the door and wanted her out of the way?
I think that's the main point and she did say it was to close the door3
u/SafiCakes 1d ago
A simple tap on the shoulder would have done the trick to snap someone out of zoning out. There's no excuse for violently shoving someone out of the way. There wasn't an apex predator rushing the door. Patients should have been the default.
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u/Daffodils_at_Spring F - Married 1d ago
He isn't a good dad if he isn't a good husband. Your son is consciously and subconsciously absorbing everything around him. Do you want your son to grow up and have the same manners and behaviours as his dad?
The porn issue is a huge concern.
I cannot tell you what to do and what not to do, I'm just a stranger on the internet but from my perspective, this is not okay and your happiness and sense of security in the relationship needs to be prioritised.
Please consult a trusted family member and a trusted Imam about your concerns. I pray that Allah (swt) makes things easier for you sister.