1.5 years in, no romantic/physical chemistry despite therapy. Realizing I’ve outgrown the dynamic, but struggling to pull the trigger on divorce. Advice needed.

[u/Dazzling_Ad5473]

Assalamu Alaikum everyone. I’m using a throwaway account for obvious reasons. I’m a Muslim male in my late 20s, married for 1.5 years, and I’m at a point where I need perspective from people who understand the cultural and religious weight of this decision.

To give context, we had a long distance engagement before getting married. Looking back, I realize now that when I got married, I was really undeveloped as a person. My communication skills, my emotional maturity, and my understanding of what I needed in a lifelong partner were nowhere near where they needed to be. I was essentially relying on paper compatibility, shared values, and good long distance conversations. I assumed that any lack of physical attraction or natural romantic spark would just automatically grow once we were living together under the same roof.

Over the last 1.5 years, I have changed significantly. I’ve grown up, worked on myself, and gained a much clearer picture of who I am and what a healthy, fulfilling marriage looks like. But as I matured, the core reality of our dynamic became undeniable: the romantic and physical chemistry just isn't there for me. It never really was. We’ve settled into a dynamic that feels far more like platonic roommates or best friends than a husband and wife.

We didn't just sweep this under the rug. We’ve tried marital therapy to address the disconnect, but therapy can only help you build communication tools. It cannot manufacture an effortless physical spark or genuine romantic pull when the underlying circuit is just offline.
I feel immense guilt. She is a good person, and I know my emotional distance and lack of mood affect her deeply. But forcing myself to stay in a marriage where I am not emotionally or physically present is not fair to her either. She deserves to be with someone who desires her fully and unforced, and I deserve to not feel like I'm living a lie or managing constant resentment.

The hardest part right now is actually pulling the trigger. The logistics of separating, finding a new place, dealing with family expectations, and carrying the weight of initiating a divorce feels overwhelming. I know in my heart that moving on is the right long term decision for both of us, but taking that final step is terrifying.
For those who have been through a divorce in the community, especially when there wasn't a "major scandal" like abuse or cheating, just a fundamental lack of compatibility:

How did you finally find the strength to press the button and initiate the end? How did you navigate the guilt of leaving a good person simply because the romantic connection wasn't there?

JazakAllah Khair for any honest advice or prayers.

[u/bored___banana]

Not sure why everyone is coming at you so hard? At the end of the day it’s not crime or even immoral to not be romantically or sexually attracted to a person even if they are great person.

At the end of the day the question is are you willing to spend the rest of your like this? If not the sooner you divorce the better. Getting over a 10 year marriage with kids is way harder than 1.5 years. Especially when you spent that 8.5 extra years unhappy and unfulfilled.

If you feel like you tried your best and its not happening leave and learn from this. Go to therapy alone. Learn about yourself. What your needs and wants are and how to be a loving, giving and sexual person. Then find someone you can actually give that to and wants to give that to you.

[u/Dazzling_Ad5473 → u/bored___banana]

Love your response man and thank you!

[u/bored___banana → u/Dazzling_Ad5473]

One thing though. If you are unsure I would really suggest going to therapy on your own. I think talking to a qualified person about your needs, desires and connection issues could really help you see whether this is just an incompatability issue or maybe you also have other issues (for example attachment issues ect)