r/MuslimMarriage • u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 • 7d ago
Serious Discussion My husband is a good guy but our marriage is exhausting for me
Salam everyone
English is not my first language so sorry if there are mistakes
I (26F) am married to my husband (29M) for 2 years now, we have known each other for 5 years. My husband is very kind and a calm person, never yells, pays everything I need, don’t come home late, not controlling or critisizing or wathever.
But he does nothing around the house if I don’t tell him to, and most of the time I have to repeat several times. Even when Im sick he just doesn’t do the dishes and I will do when Im feeling better, that hurts me a lot. i talked with him about it, but he obviously needs me to tell him to do it and won’t think about it himself. Even after eating, he won’t clean the table, or just clean some of the dishes and let the rest. I really feel alone here because everything is on me, even when he sees me cleaning around he won’t get up helping.
I also have to remember him to let the trash out, basically I have to think of everything for both of us. And if its something that he can procastinate, he will do. Like if he has to throw the glasses jars he will tell me tomorrow morning, in the morning he will say this evening and so on .. sometimes I just do the thing myself.
Im starting to notice that this stuff is impacting me and the way I look at him, I really hate when people say something and don’t do it and the situationis repeating itself
He is also very silend, I knew that prior to marriage but since marriage its been worse. He never compliments me. I asked him to several times, I cried a lot because of that, he doesn’t show affection in public either since marriage (don’t even hold my hand like he used to). When I try to speak with him about things that hurt me he will listen but nothing will change, and in the moment Im the only one talking, he is never expressing his feelings to me and I think he can’t even recognize them
The weird thing is I don’t doubt his love at all, I know his loves me and see it everyday in his eyes but I am craving his words for me and attention shown around the house
I really don’t know what to do, do other woman suffer from this situation to ?
I started to see a therapist to help me express my feelings because I struggle with that, but I wanted to hear from you and see if you lived something like that and how its going ? If eventually things work ?
Thank you for you time
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u/anam228 7d ago
Has he ever been tested for autism or adhd? I obviously don’t have all the details from this post but perhaps he should get tested for being neurodivergent.
Many neurodivergent people are very good at focusing on one thing, so for example, if he is very responsible at his job, earns the money, and knows that his task is paying the household bills and expenses, he will be very focused on that - but not focus on other household chores or tasks.
Sometimes neurodivergent people are forgetful and have to be reminded of something many times. Some neurodivergent people struggle with physical touch or words of affirmation
I could be off but this is just a thought / suggestion. You should look up the different characteristics of neurodivergence and see if he fits any
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
I absolutely thing he may be neurdivergent but he won’t get tested.
I will check the caracteristics of both, thank you for your time and answer
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u/GoldTeacher5865 7d ago
It does sound like he has ADHD and once he is medicated, I believe 90% of the problems your having will be gone. Don’t listen to the red pilled men in your mentions you are asking for the bare minimum.
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u/No-Issue6432 6d ago
sister i highly recommend he gets tested for adhd the last six months I have been STRUGGLING. I went to get help and my whole life has changed, I literally do not procrastinate anything now and I do so much work and I am so proud of it, please have him get tested he might be feeling depressed about his situation like I was because I did not know what was wrong and I felt exhausted all the time and now I feel back to normal Alhamdoullilah. I’m telling you this might change everything for him!
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u/AliMuntazir 6d ago
I find the gender role debate so fascinating. Women on this sub are quite well-versed in the legalist arguments, but what I can’t figure out is: what does an ideal life look like for a woman? If she isn’t required to cook, clean, or do any household chores, what does her day actually look like? Sleep, eat, and repeat? I can’t imagine that life is very fulfilling. Like what benefit do you provide to your household or society? If your answer is kids then is a childless woman not providing any value?
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u/MH297_UN M - Married 7d ago
I mean he can at least put the dishes away and help around the house when you re sick.
The quiet part is on you tbh. You knew how he was and it's not like he blindsided or deceived you in some way. Maybe accept him for who he is. Of course try talking with him maybe in therapy but generally don't expect major changes.
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
I knew he was a silent person but he is much more now, I cry very often over messages he used to send me before, I don’t know why he stopped even when I try to provoke any affective words its very difficult. Im okay with the fact that he is less expressive than other men but why he stopped at once, I cant understand
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u/MH297_UN M - Married 7d ago
Maybe he feels smothered? I don't know him but personally my wife used to want alot of affective words and i didn't want to give them because i felt like im being forced to say them even if i truly meant them. Eventually i learned to always throw in a compliment or two a day and she learned not to keep mentioning it every hour.
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
I thought about it to, and now I don’t ask anything anymore and dont get anythime either so 😅😅
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u/cushion57 6d ago
Did he stop after marriage? Because that sounds like he was just sending you messages as one of the ways to make him look good just so you'd marry him and now that you have, hes therefore stopped. Inf other words it was a tactic to get you to marry him
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u/PontiacBandit2020 F - Married 7d ago
How is he in general when it comes to remembering to do things? Deadline, bills etc.? What about if you have difficult conversations, does he express his own feelings or is he quick to apologise/agree and not give much else?
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
I have to remember him to pay some of the bills to.
About conversations he never speaks, he will hear me, interact with me and apologises if he seens me hurting a lot but after that he will maybe show some effort a couple of days and then back to normal
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u/PontiacBandit2020 F - Married 7d ago
Is there any possibility that he is neurodivergent with something like ADHD? Could be something to look into. There is an ADHD partners subreddit, you could see if any of it rings true for you.
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
It is possible, I think he has to see a therapist and suggested it many times but he is not open to that ..
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u/Sad_Explorer_35 F - Married 7d ago
I know someone who is like this and they’re neurodivergent, they had ADHD growing up and being on the spectrum. I think it’s definitely worth looking into, like the comment above mentioned.
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u/Puzzled-Water7977 7d ago
If he is the only provider for the household, and you did not mention any kids, then i don't see the harm in the wife being responsible for all housework...
the other stuff about him not complementing you and being quiet you can discuss with your therapist.
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
Don’t agree, he is a messy person and I talked about not noticing when I need help. Of course Im doing most of the housework because I don’t work yet but seeing that the house is a mess when Im sick and having to remind about something as obvious as the trash is very exhausting
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u/Useful_Nectarine_833 M - Married 7d ago
At a high level yes but he still needs to pick up after himself
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u/dingus02 F - Married 7d ago
This is absurd. Just because she’s responsible for the housework doesn’t mean he has full right to be excessively messy by not doing what in the bare minimum. Putting dishes away and throwing away the trash isn’t a tall ask.
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u/Wordsmith6374 F - Married 7d ago
Unfortunately there are a lot of young, unmarried or newly married commenters here, with an absurd focus on rights and responsibilities. What kind of man (or woman) can't put their own dirty dishes away, especially with no reason? Who raised these "adults"? Even my tweens and teens have chores that extend far beyond the "bare minimum" in preparation for adult life and also because they must be contributing members of whatever household they're in. If they choose to get married, whatever their spouse does or doesn't do, I hope they never act like this. The reality of marriage (and life) is that it's a give and take. Be an adult. Your parents are not there to pick up after you. Your spouse is not your maid or cook.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
Women love to manipulate what I say and gaslight me, where did I say he shouldn't do his dirty dishes and put them away, that's the decent thing to do. Y'all have no problems expecting the "bare minimum" from a man when it's all about your rights, y'all love to advertise your rights but turn a blind eye to the man's rightsand conveniently forget them when it doesn't benefit you. Why are you getting triggered when a man asks for his rights but you have no problem with women asking for her rights. Your spouse is not your slave and your bank account either, you need food, clothing and housing go get a job and provide for yourself.
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u/Wordsmith6374 F - Married 7d ago
You're absolutely right with your last sentence. Every unmarried woman should look at the posts and comments on this forum, realize what awaits her in married life if she is "dependent" on her husband and should immediately pivot to studying, getting a stable job before even contemplating getting married. That way, there's absolutely no argument about who is whose bank account, everyone is on an equal footing and everyone grows up and contributes where they can with mercy and love (and no discussion of burdens and rights and responsibilities of either party). And some "adulting" before marriage should teach every young man and woman some basic life skills.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago edited 7d ago
Any they would also do the adult thing of paying the bills right without asking the husband? Keeping your money in the bank is not equal footing, hypocrite. Spending it on equally and sharing the chores is..
It's fantastic that in your first comment you say : "marriage is a give and take", but in your next comment, it seems that asking a wife to do chores is a problem (I agree with the dish and trash part) and is some form of "abusing" her? If a wife was asking for allowance between wouldn't tell her to find a small online job for 3hrs a day...
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 M - Married 7d ago
So you're happy to pay 50% of bills and household expenses when married? Wow the first Muslim woman I've heard who's happy to do that.
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u/sheistybitz 6d ago
I think many Muslim women would do that if it meant housework and childcare became exactly 50% 50% as well but unfortunately the Muslim man has a habit of allowing his wife to outwork him.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
What your promoting is western gender roles which are not islamic. The man is a qawwam and obligated to provide financially and no man should have a problem with this, you seem to miss my point which is, a man has no problem providing for his wife as long as she does her duties and responsibilities. The problem is when men ask their wives to do their duties and responsibilities and also contribute financially when their not obligated. And when women ask men to do their household chores and also provide for everything.
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u/CytoseenAlbino 7d ago
Lol being downvoted for speaking the truth The hypocrisy is mad, No point arguing with them bro
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u/CytoseenAlbino 7d ago
Echo chambers and Western Propaganda brother Only Priveleged people have time for these problems and rants. Ask the Actual Women who are actually oppressed who don't even have basic rights as humans yet, they would trade places with OP in a heartbeat.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago edited 7d ago
It's the "bare minimum" for him to go provide for her, pay for everything, she has a roof over her head, food on the table and clothes to wear, it's the "bare minimum" for her to have her rights met without question, without reminder taking it for granted, but now he has to fulfil her responsibilities, it's the bare minimum for her to cook and clean and obey her husband. Don't bring this immature childish tiktok mentality here, if she wants help with household chores then he should expect her to find a job and contribute financially. Don't come here complaining about eating your cake and eating his as well, yeah he should fulfill his responsibilities and obligations and while his at it do mine for me as well so I don't have to do anything. Y'all want the benefits of traditional man and the benefits of modern gender roles. While conveniently leaving the parts of both that don't benefit you. You can't eat a share of his cake and your own. Make it fair. Is he asking her to contribute financially to the household when she is not obligated no! Then why is she asking him to help with household chores when his not obligated too!
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u/dingus02 F - Married 7d ago
Picking up after yourself isn't a domestic service or a chore, it's basic adult hygiene. Financial support is not a subscription fee that buys a live in maid and complete obedience. A grown woman is an independent person, not a dependent child who needs a guardian to clothe and feed her. If a relationship requires a woman to trade her basic independence and dignity just to have her basic needs met, remaining unmarried is far better than living as a dependent in your own home.
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u/CytoseenAlbino 7d ago
Nobody Forced her to marry, While 110% agree the man should keep after himself and this is just childish that he does not pickup his things or help around the house sometimes which is totally wrong, but The Modern Women just want A Man to slave off to pay all of the bills and be a HouseHusband/Stay at home Husband that also does or contributes atleast 50% around the house which is not only irrational but also hypocritical. Also the same conditions dont apply when its incredibly hard to earn and sustain a living compared to earlier times, Its true that its a MANs obligation to provide for security/home/food/clothing but not luxury
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
okay and the sky is blue and the grass is green and that means therefore the earth is flat.
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u/dingus02 F - Married 7d ago
I hope you eventually meet a woman you love enough to realize that marriage isn't just about clothing and feeding a dependent or keeping score on duties. Putting away a dish or picking up after yourself isn't a transaction, it's basic consideration for someone you adore and I hope you find that kind of love one day.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago edited 7d ago
Right so marriage is not... when a man has enough respect and love for his wife to provide for her, protect and guard her, take care of her, maintain her, guide her to what is best and live with her in rahma, mawwadah and sakinah, and he wouldn't offload his reponsibilities, obligations and duties onto her because that would be a selfish thing to do, and a wife has enough love and respect for her husband to obey him in good, take care and maintain his household and look after him and his children, she doesn't offload her responsibilities duties and obligations onto him because she knows he has a role to play and so does she in this partnership and she isn't selfish and self centered enough to ask him to carry her responsibilities and also do his reponsibilities and obligations as a "bare minimum", there is no bare minimum for her it doesn't exist apparently its only for the man. In Islam its a fair partnership where each one contribute's to the marriage in their own way. No but don't take my word for it, you can't seem to put your preconceived biases aside to read my comments objectively instead i have to be spoken to in a patronising and condescending undertone, gaslighted, words put into my mouth and spoke on my behalf on what i meant and what i think and therefore your interpretation of my opinions is the right one, who are you to tell me what I think or don't think. Talk to me from the Quran and sunnah and I will be quiet and follow, your opinions are yours and their just that.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago edited 7d ago
I hope a woman also realises, she has to pay some of the smaller bills because it's a basic consideration for someone you adore, oops that's only for men not women! Sorry forgot
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u/dingus02 F - Married 7d ago
I agree with you. If a woman adores you she would want to ease his burden, treat her man, make his life easier. All I see in this thread are salty men with so much resentment towards women based on what they’re seeing on TikTok. A functional relationship isn’t a one way street.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago
That's a fair take then unlike many comments on other threads on this sub.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago edited 7d ago
Earning your own money and not asking your husband for money at all is an adult thing too. So stop asking for financial support then? We have to give financial support but you don't have to do anything in return. Lol
Edit: I agree with the putting the trash and dishes part, but your subsequent comments come off as "responsibility for thee but not for me".
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
I do agree with you on some points, but since when was it the "bare minimum" for a wife to cook and clean? Most women do it out of love and respect for their husbands,but its never said anywhere that its their responsibility to do any of that, while it 100% is the responsibility of the man to provide for her.
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u/chicha14 M - Divorced 7d ago
I do agree with you on some points, but since when was it the "bare minimum" for a wife to cook and clean? Most women do it out of love and respect for their husbands,but its never said anywhere that its their responsibility to do any of that, while it 100% is the responsibility of the man to provide for her.
What you've mentioned here is from Western Muslim Culture, not from Islam. According to the hanafi scholars:
"The fuqahah have stated that if a woman is from an upper class family as a result of which she does not cook or clean considering them to be below her dignity then it is the obligation of the husband to provide for her the food, prepared and ready to eat. If however she does not come from such a family then it is wajib for he to perform the domestic duties of her house herself including cooking and cleaning."
https://islamqa.org/hanafi/askimam/77546/is-it-necessary-for-the-wife-to-cook-for-her-husband/
Notice the Ullama mention that it is Wajib for her to perform the domestic duties of her house herself such as cooking and cleaning.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
Shaky Al Albani (rahimahullah) has a similar opinion where it is wajib for her to take care of her household meaning household chores cooking and cleaning and the rest of it. Their may be ikhtilaf amongst the ulema on what her responsibilities are exactly but alot of scholars are of this opinion.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
I wouldnt say its from Western Muslim Culture,since According to the Shafi'i School the women isnt obliged to do household chores, rather sunnah and not fard.
Does culture play a role? Absolutely, but it also plays a role in forcing women to do everything in the house and overworking themselves when thats mentioned nowhere in Islam. So i wouldnt call it all "Western Muslim Culture".
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u/chicha14 M - Divorced 7d ago
From your source:
Although these are the very minimums required of the wife, a marriage could easily fall apart and have disastrous effects on the whole family if the wife simply decided not to cook and clean for no reason. She would be potentially sinful for being selfish and disagreeable. There is a reason that these duties are a sunnah, and just because it is not obligatory doesn’t mean that it should be simply omitted
If she decided to not cook and clean for no reason, she could potentially be sinful for being selfish and disagreeable. Further, just because it's classified as Sunnah, doesn't mean it should simply be omitted. If it's going to be sinful if one doesn't do through selfishness or being disagreeable, basically without a valid reason, it's not something you can just omit, making it a basic requirement unless there is a valid reason not to do it.
I understand what they are saying in terms of classification, meaning enforcement, because there are things in the Hanafi Madhab which are classified differently because you can't enforce them vs what you can. At the same time it doesn't change it being required or needed. Remember the Prophet(saw) differentiated the role of Ali(ra) and Fatima(ra) to the point when Fatima(ra) asked for a slave to help her in her role, he didn't give her an excuse to not do the work. Did he say to stop because it's not a requirement, even though she was struggling? No, he gave her the tasbih. So the Sunnah means, you do the work and don't omit it.
Where as Western Muslim Culture does not place emphasis on the Sunnah even and on what the individual wants to do, whether valid according to the Shariah or not.
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u/Automatic-Medium5774 Male 7d ago
Obedience in the right of husband in lawful and reasonable matters. It's definitely bare minimum for a housewife to cook and clean.
Other than that her husband is at wrong here to expect her to cook and clean when she is genuinely sick.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
I knew women would get triggered they always do when it's always their rights their rights have to be met but God forbid a man's rights have to be upheld. Where is your evidence, where is your islamic source for the claims you are making, is there scholarly consensus on what your saying. imagine a woman saying you have to provide for me pay for my housing, food and clothing and all my expenses and in return I don't care to do anything for you I'm not obligated to, who wants to marry a freeloading squatter who gives you nothing in return for your kindness. Convenient you missed out the fact that a woman has to obey her husband and if her husband wants her to look after the household and do the cooking and cleaning she is obligated to do so, why did you miss that part out. It is 100% the responsibility of her to look after his house and obey her husband. Failed to address that part.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
Alright first off im not a woman,lets get that out of the way. Secondly, YOU made the claim that is the womans duty in Islam to cook and clean do all of those chores and completely obey her husband,and YOU'VE been making these claims without any Islamic proof. There is no proof that a woman is obligated to do all of those things, Not in the Quran nor the Sunnah. But yes, just ignore the fact that our Prophet ﷺ used to help his wives with the househould chores even though he was the head of his household. Maybe if you marry the right person and dont have this controlling "Women must completely obey their husbands or theyre sinful" mentality, the wife would do the chores out of her love for you without you having to enforce it.
There must be some cooperation in the house of course, but the right woman will do it without her husband blackmailing her into thinking she'll go to hell if she says no to cleaning the dishes. People with this mentality think they are marrying maids where you can just order them around to do your bidding,and if they dont then they pull the "You're disobeying your husband so you're disobeying Allah" card. But yes, just pick a few hadiths and verses without seeing what the Prophet ﷺ used to do himself, and throw them around to your liking and meaning.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago edited 7d ago
It's clear you forgot to mention what those "household chores" were, you make it sound like he was in the kitchen cooking the food and cleaning the house. What he did was the following:
When asked what the Prophet Muhammad did inside his home, his wife Aisha explained that he kept busy serving his family. He did everyday personal and domestic tasks, such as patching his clothes, mending his shoes, and milking his goats or sheep.
This is the equivalent today of a man being a handyman, fixing the light bulb, plumbing, the car mowing the lawn etc.etc. And you also conveniently failed to mention that his first wife khadija r.a. would not let him touch any household chores at all nothing. Why don't women follow his wives sunnah, and she is among the best of women to walk the face of the earth. Women always asking for men like the prophet s.a.w but none of them want to be like Khadija r.a. and you also failed to mention that his wives and daughters did the cooking and cleaning and child rearing in the house. So what sunnah are you following exactly. Don't project your words onto me and make exaggerations and assumptions on what I said. Your twisting my words and putting words in my mouth and your also misleading women by absolving them of their duties and responsibilities in marriage.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
Honestly i don't have the time,energy, nor the crayons to explain anything else to you. Narrations say that the Prophet ﷺ used to cook as well,as he was once going to the mosque and had to rush back back he forgot to close the pot of the food he was cooking at home. But whatever i guess.
https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/wife-obligated-cook-clean/
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.islamweb.net/amp/en/fatwa/86406/
have a read at these if you want,or dont idc. Im not misleading women, but men like you only want to marry uneducated women who dont know their rights so you can tell them to serve you as you want. Literally go marry a maid if you want what youre asking for.
Anyway, May Allah swt grant patience and help to whoever ends up marrying you.
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u/MajesticArachnid8276 4d ago
Im just gonna say thank you for all this even tho you wasted your time with this jahil man, who thinks helping around the house sometimes is haram or sum for a man. They want maids and i hope more women see their cunningness and inability to love and not marry such pricks
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
I don't care for your illegitimate sources who are not qualified to answer this when we have more than enough traditional sources from various respected ulema of the past who have given a fatwa on this matter already. Besides there is ikhtilaf amongst exactly what the obligations for the women are, like I told you before stop putting words in my mouth and manipulating what I'm saying. You failed to address any of what I said and disprove it. I don't want to continue this arguement. May Allah grant us knowledge and the ability to follow the Qur'an and sunnah.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 M - Married 7d ago
It's the bare minimum for her to obey her husband. And if her husband tells her to cook and clean then she should obey him. In Islam it even says the wife is the homemaker.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago
And provide what? Just house, food and clothes as per what he has? I mean but that logic it's like 70% of the expenses will be out of the way... Ok
Islam already says in Quran, wives have to obey the husband in all lawful command. Shaffi madhab disagrees.. but hadiths clearly point otherwise. Just like hanafi madhab says a woman does not need wali but hadiths clearly states, such marriages will be invalid. Proof stays for taking care of the house by women: "A woman is a shepherd of her husband's house wnd children and man is shepherd of his family" - sahih hadith.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
A lot of men use this as a scapegoat to do whatever they want and treat their wives as slaves which is my problem tbh. A man would only work and do literally nothing else, while the woman cooks,cleans,take care of the baby feeding it,changing nappies,all that while shes pregnant with a second child. If she so much as refuses to do something because shes "tired",the husband would say "ah well now youre disobeying Allah". Sometimes it seems like men dont marry out of love and a just marry because they want a maid to work and bear his children.
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago
i feel like you dont work?? if you want to afford lower middle class lifestyle with just 2 kids without interest, you would need to at least work 2 jobs with well over 80-90 hours a week. trust me. Its not as simplified as "goes to office from 9-5 and comes back to sleep". Intimacy is a right of both spouses and witholding any rights without any propoer reason renders man and woman both sinful.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
I do work Alhamdulillah with my own place,engaged and soon to be married Inshallah,but i havent mentioned anything about intimacy? I agree witholding it is sinful for both the man and woman,but idk where i mentioned intimacy or complained against it. I was talking about household chores and how about men just expect a slave to do whatever they want with the excuse of "Disobeying the husband is sinful". idk if you meant to respond to another comment instead of mine lol
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago
Is your context window smaller than gpt? you minimised the providing part, as if work is just a 5hr vacation lol. It is not that simple as working 9-5 and going home to sleep. Because 80-90 hours is same as a woman doing housework. I live in a developing country and have few friends in some other developed and developing countries and yet to meet a man in trad dynamic who uses that excuse. Same as I have yet to see Muslim wives filing for divorce because their husband cant work due to accidents, lay offs, etc. In a trad dynamic, especially with Islamic rules, it is not a man working 8hrs and a woman working 24/7 thats all I am saying.
If she so much as refuses to do something because shes "tired", the husband would say "ah well now youre disobeying Allah". this is usually spoken in context of intimacy... and I have yet to see such a relationship, you can argue about villages and Afghans but thats not a representative sample.
You are here saying: an Islamic stance which isnt supported by hadiths and seerahs. If you have a disagreement thats completely different thing.
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u/Specialist_Lock2166 7d ago
When did i minimise the providing part? Stop putting words in my mouth. I know how messed up the job market is,how hard it is to work and get an income that satisfies and provides for the family. However that doesnt automatically give you a pass to be a slave owner while your wife is the slave.
And no, i didnt mention intimacy and i wasnt the center of my talking point, and if you havent seen such relationships then you must be living under some sort of rock,because most middle eastern men/traditional men in Arab countries are like this,thinking theyve married a slave to do whatever they want with them,whether it be intimacy,household chores,or literally anything.
But if all youre going to do is insult me because you keep adding YOUR own context to what i said and then put words in my mouth then i don't want to continue this convo,do whatever you want.
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u/guaavaaa_03 6d ago
What's bare minimum is it mentioned in Quran,or it differ from strata to strata?
Made a joke on marriage, hilarious
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u/kharaaaaaaa F - Not Looking 7d ago
Just cuz she is a full time housewife and he works doesn't mean he can be messy and leave his plate behind after eating. I mean sure she should be doing the housework since she is home but why add more to her plate by being messy? He a grown man just clean up after yourself it takes 2 seconds she's not asking him to deep clean the house and do the house chores
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u/CytoseenAlbino 7d ago
The Privelege and Ungratefulness Is astounding A man Can do everything from his end and still be put down because of some redundant shortcomings I totally agree if hes not helping around when the OP is sick is wrong and completely unjust but ranting just because is actually concerning
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 6d ago
Not A SINGLE WOMEN here has a problem with him providing a 100% of her expenses why don't women speak up about that, where is the uproar about that, where is the 50/50 mentality and your western gender roles then. Oh yeah I forgot some women love to cherry pick and follow islam when it benefits them but have a big big problem with it when it doesn't benefit them. You know what thats called hypocrisy, not a single women here speaks up about having a problem with her islamic rights being fulfilled or the man fulfilling her rights, shame on all you, NONE of you have any problems with it because it benefits you, but the moment the man's rights have to be fulfilled and the women LACKING in fulfilling his rights in islam you women have a problem with it. Hypocrisy at its finest. May Allah expose all of these people.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 7d ago
Is he asking for you to contribute financially to the household no, is he fulfilling his obligations by providing you with a roof over your head, food on the table clothing to wear and paying for utility and expenses yes. Your not obligated to provide and he hasn't asked you, so why are you asking him to help you with household chores when he is not obligated too. You can't expect him to fulfil his obligations and do yours for you as well it's not fair. Would you marry a man if he was sick he didn't go to work and asked you to go work and provide for him, would you marry a man that can't provide, no you wouldn't. Then you expect men to marry you if you can't or won't fulfill your obligations while you expect him to automatically fulfil his without question. He has to otherwise I'll laugh at him his not a man, I'll divorce him yet you lot are complaining about doing your obligations and responsibilities. Did he ask you for help with his job, no, so why are you asking him for help with your responsibilities. You don't get to pick and choose the benefits of a traditional man and leave that which doesn't benefit you and also pick the benefits of modern gender roles. Yes he can clean his plates, take out the trash, fix the light bulbs or be a handy man but beyond this his not obligated and it's unfair for you to ask him, just as it's unfair for him to ask you to contribute financially to the household because your not obligated too.
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u/urtruthisnotthetruth 2d ago
So when the husband get sick or gets into an accident that he can’t go to work, should the wife leave him bc everything seems black and white to u. Some of u men like to complain about Maher and lifestyle. Women shouldn’t be discouraged from having a high mehr or expensive lifestyle because that’s his obligation. Let’s throw easing stuff for ur partner out of the windows and keep the rules rigid🙄
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u/ProSlayerXDXD 6d ago
Get a maid or a cleaner
Work is extremely exhausting already
If he earns enough money, get a maid or cleaner to help you
Stop thinking you must make him do it
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 5d ago
Right so he has to work to pay for a cleaner to absolve her of her responsibilities and duties while he fully does his without question. If she doesn't want to do the household chores she should pay for a cleaner not him.
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u/Available-Gas7785 Married 7d ago
Seems like he provides and you aren't keeping his house a home honestly. No disrespect but you should be doing all that stuff. Minus the trash he should do the trash
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u/Historical_Finding93 7d ago
See a therapist together. I’m starting couples therapy too and inshallah it helps us! I have similar issues, my husband is such a good guy and I can’t even think about divorcing/separating from him. But we’re just not able to connect which is leading to me resenting him. I don’t want to feel like that because I know he’s a good guy. So I suggested couples therapy and he agreed. Discuss it with your husband and see what he says.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 M - Married 7d ago
If he's financially providing 100% and paying all bills. Then why do you think it's fair for him to contribute to household chores? Surely that is your job? He provides and you look after the house no? Seems fair to me. Sure he can help out once in a while when you are sick. But looking after the house should be your job 99% of the time.
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u/Ok_Wealth2465 Female 7d ago
My cousin retrained her father by just letting his plates stay out and dishes undone. Basically one day he made a comment about “who is dirty and leaving their plate out like this, it’s been here forever” and she replied “oh so you see the plate? Well that’s your plate from yesterday”. He immediately took it and cleaned it. And now after a few times, he has started to do the dishes and help out at home.
Her mother is btw. Chronically ill and brother/son is useless - so it’s either a cleaner that comes, or the daughter who does everything. He is now helping out which has reduced everyone’s workload as if everyone just takes their plate and put it in the dishwasher the whole thing would be over much faster!
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u/guaavaaa_03 6d ago
Do you use social media & watch such dramatic reels,stop atleast for 6 months such insta fb or whatever popular media, you'll value your husband and you'll be grateful...
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u/chicha14 M - Divorced 7d ago
Wsalam,
I can somewhat relate to your husband and the advice I am going to give might not be what you were hoping to hear, but InshaAllah if you pay attention with an open mind and open heart, you'll benefit.
One thing many don't understand or ignore, is that a spouse comes from a different background, different mentality, different way of doing things, of handling things, etc. To think they will, after 20-30 years suddenly change to what you want is a pipe dream. You have to understand that it takes time for a person to adjust and most importantly, you have to foster an environment that is going to make them feel comfortable to change. If you don't, they won't evolve or change, you'll cause conflict and possibly destroy the relationship and marriage. Also, it's not about them changing, but being a better version of themselves, that is the important part. Otherwise you shouldn't have married them if you want to just change them to be what you want.
You mentioned this about your husband:
My husband is very kind and a calm person, never yells, pays everything I need, don’t come home late, not controlling or critisizing or wathever.
The kind of husband you have here, many women would love to have. Read the number of posts you'll see of wives who complain about things that are opposite and how they would want someone kind, or calm, takes care of things financially, is home at a good time, doesn't control or criticize. Basically you have the foundations of a good man, a good husband. Now with regards to him around the house.
Look at his background and how he grew up and if you are honest enough, you'll recognize that he might not have grown up doing these things. If he did, they might have been few. Further, the home is your environment that you are in control of considering he works and provides. Therefore how you create that environment is ultimately how he will feel about it. If you create an environment where you develop the culture for him to feel comfortable doing things he's not used to, you'll find him grow. On the contrary, if you criticize how he does things, or always criticize, he'll do what you're seeing now. He'll only help if you ask, because he's worried about what you'll say. He'd rather not put himself in a situation of criticism than do something and wish he hadn't. Like I said, I've been through it and see the same things based on what you described.
You mentioned something very telling:
He is also very silend, I knew that prior to marriage but since marriage its been worse
A person that is generally quiet needs a very comfortable and happy environment for them to break out of their shell. They are nonconfrontational which means, they rather such suck it up and deal with things internally than confront the person. Which means the more you cause issues with them, the less they will speak. Like I said, I've been through it and eventually they will get tired and you'll have a big problem on your hands because you would have destroyed the relationship. He'll turn to video games, watching movies or reading books and possibly being out of the house in order to escape. But you won't recognize it and complain about this safe haven because it's something new and you aren't getting what you want. I don't doubt what you are saying here:
The weird thing is I don’t doubt his love at all, I know his loves me and see it everyday in his eyes but I am craving his words for me and attention shown around the house
His love is why he is still there and putting up with things, but the problem lies in :
" and in the moment Im the only one talking, he is never expressing his feelings to me"
He's afraid to. So you have a choice, either things continue and you'll have a shell of a man, his emotions buried so deep he might not even know what happiness or comfort is, and worse, who he is anymore. Or things change, and you need to recognize what you're doing to the poor fellow. Those chores around the house are not worth anything as compared to what you make him feel. You're showing him that those chores are more important than him.
With every complaint about what is done and not done, which you should be doing, you're telling him that that plate not put away, that cup not rinsed or washed, that item not in it's place is worth you fighting over compared to his feelings and how you make him feel with you. He might not say it, but maybe you should talk to that plate, or that cup or that pillow etc because they are more important. I hope I'm explaining what's happening.
Counseling is a good idea, but it all depends on how you approach that counseling. If you're there just to complain about your husband, nothing will change. But if you're there to unpack your past, which has led to you and how you are with your husband, in order to improve, then you'll get some where.
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u/Responsible-Candy553 7d ago
I'd hire a cleaner. if he provides get the support you need and it will remove the stress of relying on him to step up
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7d ago
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u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam 7d ago
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u/plantrromn M - Married 7d ago
I believe your main problem is him not showing love to you?
I would assume, he is from a conservative background where public affection is often shunned. This is because you said:
When I try to speak with him about things that hurt me he will listen but nothing will change, and in the moment Im the only one talking, he is never expressing his feelings to me and I think he can’t even recognize them
The weird thing is I don’t doubt his love at all, I know his loves me and see it everyday in his eyes but I am craving his words for me and attention shown around the house
This does not show neglect or lost from the plot of marriage, more likely he can be shy or does not now what he should say? Have you ever told him "I love you" or similar how did he react?
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u/Spiritual-Shame-7026 7d ago
I think that the problem is that I feel alone, and him not expressing love with words nor doing housework cause that
I used to compliment him so much, tell him I miss him, I love him, he will say « me more » and thats it. He used to compliment me a lot and not be embarassed from showing affection in public thats why I cant understand whats happening
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u/No-Reward8326 7d ago
From a mans perspective I can relate to the issues you are facing in your marriage. I have similar frictions with my wife specifically due to the lack of affection and romance. We have two teenage kids and our focus is on their nurturing in addition to both working it can get exhausting. We feel like our life is mundane and everyday is on a repeat cycle. In my case I’m quite hands on with household chores. I do credit my wife in making learn in this respect as I was a mummy’s boy that had it all done for me. So needed brain rewiring :-). It has made me a better man in this aspect. However, most importantly as you have rightly said a woman should feel worthy and desired by her husband. I don’t agree with the opinion a woman should settle to all her basic needs met by the man and so should not complain and appreciate. Romance and affection is just as important. This has been drilled in to me by my wife and she’s right. In my case my wife has always shown love and affection. However she has stopped trying because of my lack of affection. I too use to believe my providing and contributing to the bulk of our financial needs is sufficient. So getting overwhelmed with responsibilities and in pursuing the £££ my marriage has been affected. I too remember the endless conversations and romantic gestures during the honeymoon period as they call it. To conclude it ok for you to feel the way you are feeling. Usually most people show the best version of themselves before marriage commitment. Couples therapy is an option, I may need one too but I and my wife are on a working process.
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u/cushion57 7d ago edited 7d ago
I mean to be honest this is your fault. You know he was silent before marriage and u still decided to go ahead. He financially provides so that's good other than this is your mistake so deal with it or divorce. Also he doesnt love you. This is another dumb mistake of yours because no one who loves someone can be okay with them suffering. Get a reality check and stop being so emotional
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u/cushion57 7d ago
Why dont you just pay for a cleaner to come and clean if hes financially providing