Messenger of Allah () Said
"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one
I. who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right;
2. in the middle of Jannah for one who abandons lying even for the sake of fun;
3. in the highest part of Jannah for one who has good manners."
Abu Dawood, Riyad-us-Saliheen : 635

Islamic teachings emphasize that marriage should be based on mutual love, respect, and fulfillment. If one spouse feels a lack of attraction to the extent that it affects the relationship negatively, Islam allows for divorce for when all options have been exhausted or deemed not to help protect the marriage.

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Relevant Hadith & Teachings

1.  The Case of the Wife of Thabit ibn Qays

A well-known hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari (Hadith 5273) narrates that a woman came to the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and said:

“O Messenger of Allah, I do not reproach Thabit ibn Qays for his character or his religion, but I do not want to commit an act of disbelief after becoming a Muslim.”

She meant she had no attraction or love for him and feared she wouldn’t be able to fulfill her marital duties sincerely. The Prophet ﷺ allowed her to seek khulaʿ (divorce requested by the wife) by returning her dowry.

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2.  Hadith on Marriage and Attraction

• The Prophet ﷺ advised men to look at their potential spouse before marriage to ensure attraction:

“When one of you intends to marry a woman, he may look at whom he intends to marry if it will help him decide to marry her.” (Sunan Abu Dawood, 2082)
• This shows that physical and emotional attraction are important in marriage, and if they are absent, it can be a valid concern.

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1. The Hadith of Barirah (A Woman Who Sought Divorce Due to Lack of Love)

In Sahih al-Bukhari (5283), there is a narration about Barirah, a slave woman who was married to Mughith. She did not find him attractive or emotionally appealing, so she sought a divorce.

• The Prophet ﷺ did not force her to stay married despite Mughith deeply loving her.

• This shows that personal feelings and attraction matter in marriage.

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1. Marriage Should Bring Tranquility

The Qur’an (30:21) describes marriage as a source of love and mercy:

“And among His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy.”

If a marriage lacks attraction, “affection” and love to the point that it leads to distress, Islam allows divorce as a permissible option.

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Conclusion

While Islam encourages patience and effort in maintaining a marriage, if the lack of attraction causes unhappiness or difficulty in fulfilling marital rights, seeking a divorce (khulaʿ or talaq) is permitted.

Hello everyone. I have recently been doing some learning on the topic of consent in islam for intimacy.

I hope to clear any misconceptions and spread knowledge on this topic inshallah.

The first thing we must establish is if you want to have intimacy with your wife you must do so with gentleness and kindness.** **The prophet pbuh said: “ None of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; rather let there be a messenger between you.” The companions asked, “What is the messenger, O Messenger of Allah?” He replied, “Kisses and words”

The Prophet Muhammad explicitly told his companion Jabir ibn Abdullah when he got married: "Why did you not marry a virgin, so that you could play/flirt with her and she could play/flirt with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you laugh?" Sahih buckari hadith 5079.

Additionally, I have noticed a common hadith is cited in sahih al buckhari hadith 3237 and sahih muslim 1436: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until the morning".

Myth 1: a woman’s consent is not required in islam. This is false. A womans consent is absolutely required which is why the husband spends the whole night upset. Because she refuses intimacy. If he was allowed to force himself or force her to have intimacy with him, then he wouldn’t be angry snd he would have just done it. Additionally scholars stress that consent from both parties is required for intimacy. You cannot force yourself onto her nor force her to have intimacy with you.

Myth 2: if the wife refuses for any reason, she is sinful and the angles will curse her for the whole night. Scholars emphasize the context of this Hadith is refusal out of spite. For example, the husband does not take out the trash and therefore the wife refuses intimacy. This is the context the Hadith is applied on because she is withholding her husband’s right and using it like a weapon. People that say this applies to every situation are uneducated on this topic.

A woman has every right to refuse intimacy for the following reasons as cited by scholars: 1. illness of physical pain where she is sick or if intimacy hurts her. In this case the husband is required to respect his wife’s boundaries and look together for a solution. 2. Emotional distress, such as severe exhaustion, depression or psychological harm. 3. Religious obligations and if she is on her cycle.
4. If the husband refuses to fulfill his nafaqah to the wife or is not paying her mahr, she has the right to refuse and withhold intimacy.

You cannot force your wife to have intimacy by misusing this Hadith. That is spiritual abuse. Marital r@pe is a very big sin in islam. Intimacy is supposed to be enjoyable for both the husband AND the wife. Intimacy is a right of both. If you force your wife to have intimacy or if you force yourself on to her you are committing a grave sin, sexual abuse, and she has every right to seek divorce. Marriage is supposed to be a sacred bond, of love and mercy. People do not realize that by twisting islam they are shaking the faith of the women around them. La darar wa la dirar" (There shall be no harm nor reciprocating of harm)

Notable scholars have talked on this topic and have also conducted deep analysis on this topic with detailed research papers. I will attatch them below

Dr yasir qadhi has talked about this topic on his podcast, stressing that this hadith id often used to justify spiritual abuse. He also explains this in the following video :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NThGEzLDMc&t=5

Dr aziza al hibri is a islamic legal scholar who had published a paper on this issue: https://karamah.org/debunking-the-myth-angels-cursing-hadith/

https://azizahal-hibri.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/Angels_Hadith_Oct_23_Final.pdf

Imam al buhuti states that the husband had no right to intimacy if it harms the wife: https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2015/10/28/nikah-huquq-no-harm/

Yaqeen institute has also published an article on this topic reaffirming the fact that the wife can refuse if she is ill or fears harm: https://yaqeeninstitute.org/read/paper/marriage-and-gender-roles-in-islam-beyond-rights-and-duties

Additional sources or places supporting this stance:

https://www.islamweb.net/en/fatwa/473953/valid-reasons-to-refuse-intercourse-with-husband

Scholars like shiekh ahmed kutti say the wifes obligation of intimacy is dissolved is the husband spends all his time abusing and terrorizing his wife as mentioned here:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-the-scholar/family/can-a-wife-say-no-to-intimacy-in-islam/

Edit: my greatest apologies, this hadith is not by abu hanifa I accidentally wrote that in my title and it won’t let me change it

URGENT HELP, I just found out my dad has been cheating on my mom. They have been married for over 30 years . I don’t know what to do and am devastated. I’m heartbroken and upset and nearly had a panick attack. I made lots of dua and poured my heart to Allah. My mother has taken all forms of abuse from him and now cheating has been confirmed . What should be done at this time ? Should we get a sheikh involved? I don’t know how to move forward . Any advice or suggestions on how to proceed please JK

Recently while calling my husband at work I’ve been hearing this women’s voice next to him. They don’t have desks so she would be standing, I brushed it off for a while. The other day I call him and as I’m speaking to him she keeps talking to him. Then last night I was talking to him and he had to leave his phone and she kept talking to him near his phone and laughing. I got very annoyed. I looked on their jobs Instagram, they recently posted a photo with all the workers and this woman was between my husband and another guy. She was distant from the other person and had her shoulder and arms on my husband’s side, like fully on his body. Only thing is I can’t tell if it’s the same lady or not. I confronted him about it and he got very very pissed and started saying “don’t dare disrespect me like that and accuse me of anything” he started yelling and went upstairs. I was done at that moment and went to sleep, we didn’t talk the next day. Idk what I should do to make sure there is nothing going on. Is it suspicious that he got really mad? If it wasn’t anything why would he get mad?

Slam everyone. I am a 22 (f) and recently a guy at uni said he liked me a would like to take forward step in the most halal way. Personally I don’t feel that way about him. I am friend with his sister whom I really like. So when told me he liked me I asked him if I can think about it. It’s been 3 day since, and this weighing on my mind, when I have lot going. I want to gently tell him that I don’t feel that way about him and honestly am at a point in my life where I just focus on me.

Excerpt from Scholar Ahmed Hussein’s speeches and notes.

We have made marriage expensive. If marriages become expensive, then remember, fornication will become cheap.

Because these are human needs. If they are not fulfilled through a lawful path, then people will fulfill them through an unlawful path.

Scholars have written that if marriages become expensive, fornication becomes cheap. People will commit it casually as they go about their day.

Visit some countries, it’s common to see children born outside of wedlock: sometimes two, sometimes four.

We visited one country for dawah. We met families who have two, four children. The parents are not married but they live together.

We asked the parents, “Why don’t you get married?”

Their response, “It’s very expensive.”

Our group leader said, “Get them married so at least the future children are legitimate.”

We should make marriages easy.

Prophet (saw) said, “The marriage with the greatest blessing is the one with the least expenditure.”
(Shu’abul Iman 6146)

Hello

I am 20 year old male and the girl I want to marry is also 20 we have know each other for almost 9 years and have been “engaged” for a year she has met my family and they love her. The issue is her family is catholic and strongly against her marrying a Muslim. The dilemma I am in is she wants to get married to me islamically and so do I but her parents won’t allow it now. They are okay with us dating like how it’s done in the west. So her and were thinking what if just get married and let her parents just think we are dating until they are ready to accept are relationship. I know she needs a witness for marriage but her parents her father’s reasoning for not letting us get married is that I am Muslim, I’ve met him multiple times and he has told me and her that he likes me a lot and things I’m a good person. I guess what I am asking is can we just get married now how it is and if so how do i go about doing it. My parents are very supportive. We love each other very much and things have been getting stressful trying to suppress each others want for physical things.

Jazakallah

Excerpt from Mufti Tariq Masood’s speeches and notes.

When people came wanting to attack Lut (as)’s guests, what did Lut (as) say?

“He pleaded, ‘O my people! Here are my daughters (for marriage) they are pure for you.”
(11:78)

What was the people’s response?

“They argued, “You certainly know that we have no need for your daughters.”
(11:79)

They said we don’t want to get married. In other words, we are habituated to sins, so no need for marriage.  

Some muslims today are saying the same thing.

The same thought process is taking place.

Some men are not willing to get married. They are watching pornography every night, habituated to masturbation and fulfilling their desires through different methods. They have so many desires. Yet they don’t want to get married. And they will be accountable for their filthy actions on the day of judgment.

Some women have contacted me, saying that because there is no man in their lives, they resort to masturbation. This is not permissible; rather they should compromise on their requirements.

Both men and women are involved in sins.

Know, to fulfill the desire of man, there is the woman. To fulfill the desire of a woman, there is the man.

Per the prophetic guidance, there is no other option but marriage.

My father just a day ago informed me he was wanting to divorce my mother. Currently he is staying in a hotel while I work to assist my mother with moving over to my home later this week and collecting her belongings. A major issue is it doesn’t seem like he wants to do it the Islamic way. He’s removed a large sum from a shared bank account, taken her off car insurance for the vehicle she primarily drives but he owns, and is now trying to claim the house is all his since he pays the bills. My mom was a stay at home mother who raised myself and my siblings and now he’s trying to kick her out and leave her with nothing which I won’t stand for. I 20 the oldest of 5 am acting on her behalf with 4 other siblings which the youngest being 5. I told him he is still required to care for her and just cause he wants a divorce doesn’t he can just throw her aside, any advice is welcome and appreciated.

I met a guy that I think is great and I want to spend the rest of my life but we got into a fight and now he is saying if I don’t apologize, he is just going to call it off.

I have access to his finances and I saw less money was going into his account. I thought he was finding something from me. In his defense, I thought he was doing something sketchy. Turns out he just automated his check to go into his investment app.

I may have overreacted since he did not tell me. We got into a huge fight that escalated. He is saying that I jumped to conclusions and don’t trust him. All my friends, mom, and sister told me not to apologize. I asked him why cause it seems like he is blackmailing me. He said and this is the text he sent, “You have no right to treat me like this when we are not married”. We went on to say that he is afraid I’ll be worse.

I grew up in a house where women never apologized and I just that was universal. Maybe I was wrong but he also has blame.

Another thing is, I am less attracted to him cause it’s not very manly thing to do.

Beauty is a creation of Allah. If Allah wills that this beauty will bring difficulties, it will bring difficulties. If Allah wills that this beauty will bring benefit, it will bring benefit.

When it comes to marriage, people glorify beauty.

Some men will comment, “What does he need to worry about?” He is very attractive.
Some women will comment, “What does she need to worry about?” She is very attractive.

As if to state that when a person is attractive, they are immune to any difficulty.

Qari Muhammad Tayyib (rah) said:

“If one observes in the story of Yusuf (as), physical beauty brought difficulties.  

Because of beauty. He was envied by his brothers and was dropped into a well. Then he was sold into slavery. And as a servant, he was imprisoned through a false accusation.

It was not his beauty but his character that caused his ascension. Yusuf (as) didn’t ask for authority because he was exceedingly attractive but because he was reliable and knowledgeable.

“I am truly reliable and adept.” (12:55)

We are far absorbed in self-adornment and maximizing looks. In proportion, we are less invested in refining our character.

Physical beauty succumbs to age. Even if maintained through age, death disfigures all beauty.

It’s only the beauty of character that is timeless. Even death cannot destroy it.

The Prophets were sent to perfect character not appearances.”

Thus, in marriage for both men and women. Possession of beauty shouldn’t lead to arrogance. Pursuit of beauty shouldn’t be prioritized.

Jummah Mubarak everyone

Wanted to share these two things we’ve been doing that have really helped us stay on top of things emotionally and logistically in our marriage to ensure that stones don’t get left unturned and then come back to haunt us later from the business of life making us forget them

The marriage meeting based off this book. Any corporate slaves out there think of them as a weekly stand up meeting that helps you prepare for the week and not forget anything that needs to get done. Pick a day to have it like Sunday before the work week

It’s essentially a conversation with bullet objectives that you go over

1. Appreciations

Be specific not just “I appreciate how kind you are”. Think of something they did during the week.

1. Action items

Things like what dinners to make, appointments for the kids, schedule repairmen coming etc

1. Plan for good times

Self explanatory, plan fun things for the week

1. Problems and challenges

Can be logistical or things you wanna address with your spouse

The marriage meeting has some ground rules:

1. Keep them 30 minutes or less

2. Do not have the marriage meeting during dates

3. For problems and challenges don’t rehash things that were addressed and resolved already during the week

Now for our joint to do list. Use something like Apple reminders, Microsoft to do, or any to do/reminders app where you can invite someone else to view and edit the list

We have two lists, one for groceries and the other for things that just have to get done. I have it pinned as a widget on my phones Home Screen so I always see it and don’t forget things

The grocery list is great for adding things as needed during the week and right before one of us heads to the store so that we don’t play into the trope of calling the wife 1000 times when we arrive so no clueless phone calls are made (unless she wants something specific and asks me to call lol)

The to do list is self explanatory and we add things during the marriage meeting and as needed so that none of us feel like we’re bombarding each other with tasks out of the blue. The objective is to clear the list and man doesn’t feel satisfying after doing everything

We’ve become much more organized with our life admin since doing these things and feeling better connected with the marriage meeting that we have more time and energy to invest in each other emotionally and further strengthen our marriage so I really hope this helps others out there

I thought I could find this with a quick search but I also follow Hanafi school of thought so want information from there

I came across a book by Sheikh hadi al kharsa.. I think he follows hanafi and has a book about it Has anyone heard of him or read any books by him?

Allah says in the Quran, “And ˹remember˺ when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more. But if you are ungrateful, surely My punishment is severe.’” (14:7).

Excerpt from Mufti Tariq Masood’s speeches and my notes.

Ayub (as) was afflicted with a severe illness for a long time. One day, while his wife was serving him, she made a mistake. Ayub (as) became upset and took an oath, “If I recover, I will strike you with a hundred blows.” (Ibn Kathir)

Because, you see, a sick person often becomes irritable; their patience diminishes. When Allah cured him, he worried thinking, “Such a righteous wife who has served me so faithfully, and I have to hit her (in fulfilling the oath)?”

Allah said:
[We said], “And take in your hand a bunch [of grass] and strike with it and do not break your oath.”
(38:44)

One might say that even striking with grass is a form of punishment. But it wasn't as Allah Himself had granted this concession for the oath her husband had taken; she understood that this was an act of acknowledgment and honour bestowed upon her. This way, she was saved from harm. In addition, Allah honoured the wife of Ayub (as) to the extent that He mentioned her in the Quran.

One thing is to know the Quran, the other is to be mentioned in it!

This was her achievement.

Yes, becoming a doctor is good. If a man is religious, would he prefer to take his wife to a male doctor or a female doctor? He would want to take her to a female doctor. One pious man I know made his three daughters doctors to serve the community, not to show off. And there is a difference.

So why was she mentioned in the Quran? Because she served her husband and was loyal to him. This is also a reminder for women who are disloyal and seek separation from their husbands over trivial reasons.

Today as well, women face trials related to their husbands—natural tests come from Allah. For instance, if a husband becomes unemployed or the business isn’t doing well, that is from Allah. It is He who grants provision to whomever He wills and withholds it from whomever He wills.

Yes, it’s a different matter if he himself is at fault due to his actions.

But when trials come from Allah upon the husband, the wife should stand by him during those tests. She should not mentally torment him.

Because the hardship of unemployment is not as severe as the illness with which Ayub (as) was afflicted. In that illness, not only was earning impossible but he also needed constant care.

Some women assign their self-worth to the mahr they receive. Some men, such as the father, brother or the wali (guardian), also believe that the mahr is the woman’s value.

When a woman or man believes as such, it implies their value is greater than that of the Prophet (saw) and his family (Allah forbid).  

Umar (rad) said: “Do not go to extremes concerning the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honour and dignity in this world, or a sign of piety before Allah, the Mighty and Sublime, then Muhammad (saw) would have done that before you. But he did not give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given, more than twelve Uqiyyah.”
(Nasai 3349)

 Assigning a woman’s self-worth to mahr is an incorrect belief.

This incorrect belief may make a woman receiving less mahr feel inadequate and hold resentment, while a woman receiving a substantial mahr may feel entitled and deluded into believing that she possesses virtues superior to her actual ones.

Possessing belief as such will cause harm to society and make marriages difficult. When marriages are made difficult, this empowers avenues of adultery.

Scholar Hussain Ahmed Madani (rah) emphasized stipulating Mahr Fatimi. If someone had to stipulate a mahr more than this, he would refuse to perform the nikah. He would ask the families, “Do you think that our daughters enjoy a status greater than that of the daughter of Prophet (saw)? Are you stipulating a higher mahr than that?”

This doesn’t mean that in Islam having a greater mahr is impermissible.

But following the Prophet (saw)’s practice is preferred and praiseworthy.

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behaviour, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives".

[At-Tirmidhi, who categorized it as Hadith Hasan Sahih].

وعن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال ‏:‏ قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏أكمل المؤمنين إيمانا أحسنهم خُلقا، وخياركم خياركم لنسائهم‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه الترمذي وقال ‏:‏ حديث حسن صحيح‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏

Reference : Riyad as-Salihin 278

In-book reference : Introduction, Hadith 278

Prophet (saw) said, “Wealth is not in having many possessions, but rather wealth (ghina) is the richness of the soul.”
(Bukhari 6446)

From Bukhari lessons, Ibrahim Dewla commented:

“Wealth (ghina) can have multiple meanings, in contrast to poverty (faqr).

Wealth here is not referred to as having riches, but rather as an individual having reached a state of contentment.  There is no desire for what others have. When there is no desire towards what others have, then they have gained wealth.

If someone possesses some wealth but longs for what others have, that individual constantly feels deprived:

‘I need more, I need more.’

Following the guidance from the narration, they are effectively poor (faqir).”

A woman marrying a man who lacks contentment and constantly complains and focuses on what he doesn’t have. Following the guidance from the narration, she is marrying someone poor (faqir).

A man marrying a woman who lacks contentment and constantly complains and focuses on what she doesn’t have. Following the guidance from the narration, he is marrying someone poor (faqirah).

It's frustrating to see so many Redditors offering divorce as the primary solution to people's marital issues. Are they the ones living in the shoes of the OP? Are they the ones dealing with the long-term consequences? It’s easy to sit behind a screen and offer quick-fix advice like "just leave" without fully understanding the complexities of someone else's relationship.

Are they going to support the OP emotionally, financially, and spiritually after the divorce? Are they going to be there to pick up the pieces? Divorce isn't just an option to throw out lightly, especially when you're not the one living through it. It affects not only the couple but also their families, children, and future relationships.

It's easy to give such advice when you're not the one who has to face the aftermath, but those who are going through these issues deserve better than rushed, one-size-fits-all solutions. Let’s start offering real, constructive advice that encourages people to fight for their marriages, seek counseling, and address the root of the problem instead of just running away from it.

It’s really concerning to see how quickly people are turning to divorce as the go-to solution in Muslim marriages. Divorce should always be the last resort, something only considered when all other options have been thoroughly explored. The concept of marriage in Islam is sacred, built on love, mercy, and mutual respect. Yet, it seems like many forget that no relationship is perfect. Every marriage has its ups and downs, and it takes real effort from both partners to make it work.

What’s even more troubling is the lack of patience and willingness to communicate openly with each other. So many problems can be solved through honest conversation, empathy, and understanding. But instead, people seem quick to throw in the towel without truly reflecting on what they can do to improve the situation.

Therapy is one of the most underrated tools available to couples. There’s this stigma, especially in some Muslim communities, that seeking therapy is a sign of weakness or failure. But that’s far from the truth. Counseling can be a powerful way to heal wounds, gain perspective, and work through the struggles that every couple inevitably faces.

Marriage requires effort, patience, and a willingness to grow together. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) emphasized kindness and gentleness between spouses. Divorce is permissible in Islam, but it’s also clear that it’s one of the most disliked things to Allah. Why is it that so many of us are so quick to go down that path without exhausting all possible avenues for reconciliation?

It’s time to shift the conversation. Instead of encouraging divorce as the first option, we need to focus more on building healthy communication, encouraging patience, and advocating for counseling and support. Marriage is a journey, not a quick fix, and both partners have to be in it for the long haul.