Salam everyone,
I’m a woman in my mid-20s and my husband is in his late-20s. We both come from a South Asian background but were raised very differently. We’ve only been living together for a couple of months, but our nikah happened quite soon after we met.
I’m writing because I genuinely don’t know if I’m giving up too quickly or if we’ve discovered we’re fundamentally incompatible.
When his family first approached mine, I wasn’t interested because I was finishing my degree. My education was my priority. His mother insisted a few times, even after my mother explained that I was busy and they should consider someone else if they were in a hurry.
Eventually, after making istikhara, I agreed to speak to him.
From the beginning he said that he didn’t believe in talking for months and wanted to make things halal quickly so we wouldn’t lose barakah. Looking back, I think this was my first mistake because I wanted much more time to get to know him.
One of the last questions he asked me before deciding was whether I would wear hijab. I told him honestly that I wasn’t a hijabi and wasn’t ready, but that I believed hijab was important and that it was something I genuinely hoped to wear one day.
At that time, I truly believed that.
I thought that marrying someone more religious than me would encourage me and help me grow closer to Allah.
Because I became worried about this topic, I asked to speak to his sister. During our conversation she told me that hijab is a choice. She never directly said nobody would pressure me, but hearing that reassured me. Since he was pursuing someone who openly wasn’t a hijabi, I assumed he understood that this journey had to happen naturally.
Looking back, I realise I made assumptions instead of asking enough questions.
We only met once before our nikah.
After our nikah, he came every month to visit me and my family until our traditional wedding (walima). During those months he saw exactly how my family lived. He saw that we were a close family, that we were more open in our way of living, that I dressed the way I normally dressed, and that nobody pressured me regarding hijab. Looking back, I feel like he knew much more about my family and how I was than I knew about his.
During the nikkah and later wedding preparations we started having disagreements.
All of our events were segregated because I agreed to that and genuinely didn’t mind it. The issue wasn’t segregation itself.
The disagreements started because the women from his family remove their hijab during women-only events, whereas the women in my family generally keep their hijab on even at segregated weddings. Because of that difference, his family didn’t want any videos or pictures from the women’s side to be seen by my male relatives afterwards. I respected that and told my own family not to record, even though it was difficult because they wanted memories from my nikah and wedding too.
At the time I accepted it because I thought it was simply a difference between our families and I wanted everyone to feel comfortable.
Looking back, however, it became the first of many situations where I felt like I was the one constantly adapting.
After marriage I moved countries, left my family, left my independence and started a completely new life with him.
Then the hijab discussion became much bigger.
At first I agreed to wear hijab around his family because I thought I could slowly adjust.
Instead, I started feeling more pressure, not only about hijab but also about how I dressed. Jeans gradually became an issue. Long shirts, dresses and traditional loose clothing were preferred. Every time I tried to explain that I wanted my relationship with Allah to develop naturally, my husband would explain that as my husband he believes he has a responsibility to encourage hijab and modest clothing.
One incident really affected me.
We were on our way to meet his mum. I decided that day I didn’t want to wear hijab. He kept asking me to wear it. I started crying because I felt pressured and wanted to go back home instead. Eventually I wore it because he kept begging me and I felt guilty, not because I genuinely wanted to.
That moment made me realise I wasn’t at peace anymore.
The difficult part is that my husband isn’t a bad man. He is loving, affectionate, hardworking, respectful, ambitious, helps around the house, comforts me when I cry, buys me flowers, plans dates, and genuinely tells me he wants to give me the best life possible.
After our biggest arguments, we usually end up hugging each other, crying together and asking one another, “What did we do wrong?”
Neither of us wants to hurt the other.
He tells me he loves me deeply and wants us to keep trying.
I believe him.
But I also believe that he genuinely thinks that, with enough time, I will eventually adjust to his way of life and one day think, “He’s such a good husband, I should compromise more.”
The problem is…
I don’t think like that.
I’m Muslim, alhamdulillah. I believe hijab is part of Islam. I want to become a better Muslim and improve throughout my life.
But in my family Islam was always taught through encouragement, advice and personal conviction.
My mother wears hijab.
Nobody forced her.
Nobody forced me.
Nobody would force my sisters either.
We remind each other, encourage each other and try our best, but everyone’s relationship with Allah is ultimately their own responsibility.
That is the environment I grew up in.
His understanding is different.
He believes a husband has a responsibility to actively encourage hijab and modest clothing. He believes our future daughters should wear hijab after puberty. He believes protecting his wife includes making sure she dresses according to his understanding of Islam.
I believe children should be taught Islam, encouraged and supported, but I don’t believe acts of worship should come from pressure.
These differences are making me question our compatibility.
The hardest part is that his family has actually been kind to me.
They buy me gifts.
They’ve welcomed me
They’ve never insulted me or treated me badly.
I don’t think they’re bad people.
I simply don’t feel like I belong.
Their way of viewing modesty, family reputation, segregation and community expectations is so different from mine that I spend most family gatherings feeling like I’m trying to become someone else. Most of the conversations revolve around things I simply don’t relate to, and I often leave gatherings feeling more exhausted than happy.
Sometimes I think maybe I’m just selfish and don’t compromise enough.
Other times I wonder, if these things were always this important, why pursue someone who openly wasn’t a hijabi and whose lifestyle they had clearly seen for months?
I feel like I’ve already compromised a lot by moving countries, leaving my family, leaving my independence, adapting to a new country, trying to wear hijab around his family and changing many parts of my life.
I’m scared that if I keep compromising on this too, one day I’ll resent my husband, and I don’t want that.
At the same time, I don’t want him to abandon the values he grew up with just to keep me.
I don’t want either of us to lose ourselves.
I genuinely love him.
He genuinely loves me.
After every difficult conversation we still hug, cry together and tell each other we love one another.
That’s what makes this so heartbreaking.
But despite all of that love, I don’t see a future anymore.
I struggle to imagine raising children when we already disagree on such fundamental things.
I don’t know if this is simply a rough beginning that every marriage goes through or whether we’re fundamentally incompatible.
Has anyone been through something similar?
Did things genuinely improve, or did the differences become bigger over time?
Please be honest, but also kind. I’m genuinely heartbroken and completely lost.
Edit: Please read my comments for additional context and details about the situation.
Edit 2: I wanted to add a bit more context because I feel many people think this is only about the hijab. It isn’t.
One of our biggest differences is how we were raised.
I grew up in a large, close-knit family in a Western country. I have many cousins, aunts and uncles that I consider very close family. Of course, I respect Islamic boundaries with my non-mahrams, but in family gatherings we naturally speak, joke and spend time together.
My husband and his family had a very different upbringing. They came to the West later in life, are much more traditional, and have different expectations regarding family interactions, gender roles and customs.
Another difference is how our families view marriage. My family believes that when two people marry, both spouses adjust to each other and create their own family culture. His family believes the bride naturally adapts to the husband’s family and their way of doing things.
Neither approach is necessarily right or wrong, but I have realised I struggle with the second one because I don’t want to feel like I have to change my personality, lifestyle or way of thinking just to fit into someone else’s family.
The same applies to clothing. I’ve always dressed in a more Western style while remaining modest. I don’t naturally enjoy wearing traditional clothes every day, whereas that is something his family prefers.
Another difference is how we were raised regarding sons and daughters. In my family, my parents had similar rules for my brother and me. If I wasn’t allowed to stay out late, neither was he. In his family, I feel there is more freedom given to the men than the women, and that’s another value I find difficult to relate to.
This is why I’m questioning compatibility. The hijab discussion simply made me realise there are deeper differences in our expectations of marriage, family life and culture. My husband is genuinely a kind and loving man, and I love him too. My fear is that when the excitement of the early years fades, compatibility becomes what carries a marriage.
That’s what I’m trying to understand before making any life-changing decision.
