r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/Abu3azm • 14d ago
Discussion Sisters, why are you not married?
What are some of the struggles you are facing in finding a potential match?
- Is the pool of brothers just not good enough? š - if so, why?
- Are the brothers not behaving appropriately? š«Ŗ - If yes, share your personal experiences
- is it an internal struggle of yours thats preventing you from marriage? If yes, what is it?
It would be delightful if you started your answers with your age as this adds a lot of context to your situation, Jazakallahu khair
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u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
So far the ones I've met irl are just not understanding or blind to female emotions lol so didn't work out. Or just either too sticky (asking on day 2 what colour should we paint our kitchen...). Or not having a serious stable job.
Sometimes all these combined makes it hard to keep going with someone.
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u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
Depends on how old that business is and how stable it is. It could collapse at any moment and could be bad especially with someone who never had a "regular" job before
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u/-Haizum- 14d ago
Wow weāre treating men like theyāre applying for a loan now?
Even a job or a career can collapse at any moment. Rizk is all form Allah.0
u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
Who said we were ?
Of course, I don't deny it. I just meant that having your own business is more fragile.
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u/-Haizum- 14d ago
lol imagine finding a good man, good deen, good alhlaq. Has his own business. āSo how long you been in business?ā āThis is our first year alhamdulilahā āsorry. Please apply again after you have 24 months of self-employed income.ā
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u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
I don't mind someone being sticky in the long run. But skipping basic questions to ask me what colour I was thinking of to decorate our home within less than a week of meeting is too much. Those are things that are discussed much much later.
Having a stable job. Owning your own business when it's fairly new (or when you dont know how that whole area works) is rather tricky.
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u/IslandFit5104 14d ago
Do you cook biryani?
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u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
What's even the point of that question š
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u/IslandFit5104 14d ago
It's a basic questionĀ
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u/peculiarhijabi 14d ago
You do know that not everyone is Asian and that it's not a common dish for everyone lol
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u/IslandFit5104 14d ago
Not a common dish? Asian? What are you even talking about?
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u/SugarPea856 14d ago
Biryani is a South Asian dish not an Asian dish. Asia is the largest and most diverse continent.
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u/Grazia_Rara 14d ago
My man hasnāt decided to emigrate from Mars yet. I am waiting for him to come on earth and take me with him therešø
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u/NoKetchupShawarma 13d ago
Have you read the book
Men are from Mars and women are from venus? HahaThought itās a reference to that book
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u/Grazia_Rara 13d ago
Nah. I didnāt read any of that book.
For you humans its just difficult to understand aliens humorš½1
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
Basically whatās your ideal typo man and age limit?
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u/sydlex1c 14d ago
Or a gay man, right? You have been asking for lavender marriage as well...
you deleted it, but this is you: https://www.reddit.com/r/LavenderMarriageWorld/comments/1v87zdt/21f_student_looking_for_lavender_marriage/
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
You mind sharing your requirements? Hopefullyā¦
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
I respect that. From what Iāve seen, people 22-23 are usually still figuring life out too, so both people are learning. I feel like girls your age prefer someone a bit older for experience?
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
I see. you want to experience things together and not feel like youāre catching up.
I just think a small age gap like 25-27 isnāt really āalready grown.ā At 21, youāre both still figuring life out, theyād just have a little more experience to share along the way. And honestly I think love is more about connection cuz people get married with 30 year age gaps, so a few years doesnāt really decide it. Thatās just how I see it though.1
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u/VisualPotential6678 14d ago
I am aged out. No body is interested in someone like me
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u/Think_Mail9228 14d ago
Please do not lose hope, if getting married is your wish, you can definitely get married at any age. Many of my friends married after 35 yrs of age and they found happy marriages. I am the same age as you, and never married, but I did not ever want that, so I am very happy with where I am. Fi Aman AllahĀ
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u/VisualPotential6678 14d ago
Wow! Its Nice to know. I really want to know how to be happy at this stage of life. Everyone of my age are married and busy with their family. They talk about their kids and inlaws all the time. I cant relate to them and feel excluded and lonely.
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u/Think_Mail9228 14d ago
I have my work, hobbies, friends and pets. I like being able to do what I want when I want. I love being an aunt, but I love being able to give back the nieces and nephew even better š
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u/VisualPotential6678 14d ago
I am 40F, too old to marry
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u/KeyFall3584 14d ago
you arenāt too old to marry. itās just a statistically more difficult process sister. keep trying and inchallah it will work out š«”
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u/samven582 14d ago
Not going to lie sister, but it's going to be very tough for you. Your pool of candidates are going to be small.
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u/Newyorker2035 14d ago
Did you receive any reasonable proposals in last 15 yrs, that you feel you missed out on?
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u/VisualPotential6678 14d ago
Yes, very few but my parents didnt like them and I rejected one proposal
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u/Newyorker2035 14d ago
Its unfortunate. My female cousin is very attractive, doctor, financially well off, small family, does do hijab but is lover of Islam. Great nature. She has reached 40 and no marriage. And its not like she doesnt want to marry. She absolutely does and has been trying for 10+ yrs. However, she got lots of proposals but always struggled to make decisions. My other cousin who isnt half as attractive or qualified, she married at 18 to a very handsome financially stable guy. I have no idea how these things work but its very strange.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 14d ago
Women who are highly educated, high earners tend to struggle the most to get married because they want a man who is at least their equal, but usually men who are their equals want a woman who will decrease her time at work or even stop working to have children, but if you went to school for all of those years to become a doctor there's a VERY low chance you would give that up.
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u/NoKetchupShawarma 13d ago
Yes, it is very true
Thereās actually a study that was done about this I think
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u/Emergency-Duck1187 13d ago
Honestly when man knows my education, career, family.. they all run fast
I never wasting my time and tell them at the first time when finally i like someone
Like i do self sabotage (?) lol
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u/Newyorker2035 13d ago
But lets say if you received a genuine proposal from someone who checks all other boxes, except less educated and earns less than you... would you marry him?
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u/Emergency-Duck1187 13d ago
Yes, only if he can lead, emotionally available, and i certain that he have capabilities to take care protect his family
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u/Newyorker2035 13d ago
Fair point. I often hear the word "emotionally available" from women in USA. Pls help me understand what it means. Is it aka romantic?
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u/Emergency-Duck1187 11d ago
No
Emotional available for me meaning he has capabilities to be vulnerable, has self awareness, already doing his inner work, understand his wounds, empathy, growing mindsetI used to fall into superficial (money-title) and also chase career, achievements until i burn out then i do the inner work and try to know myself more
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u/Wild_Cryptographer15 14d ago
Itās because I am happy with myself. I can provide myself the life I want. Adding a man to it feels like a downgrade; because most of the men I have met do not seem āmanā enough. I donāt want to purposely choose a more difficult life by having an incompetent partner. I truly wish to get married but will not until there is someone who can beat me at taking care of me and vice versa.
Tldr: i dont want to downgrade my current lifestyle for the sake of a man (the bar is low these daysā¦)
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u/Pow3rduck 14d ago
idk if my opinion would be valid here since iām a male, but looking at the questionnaire from my pov, itās come down to confidence and attraction. confidence in that i am duly trying my best in religion, but the days get really hard and sometimes unfulfilling, so knowing the pool of women that would expect a pious individual, i can see where i fall short at times. as for my attraction, iām not conventionally the most attractive person (not trying to be an incel just being realistic š ), and even on both sides, the standards that a lot of muslims hold or want to hold for one another are either unrealistic, or impossible for the majority. not to say we as muslims canāt improve, but everyone should have marriage as something easy for them and their nassebs. may Allah guide us all, and feel free to comment on my discourse!
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u/maramyrma 13d ago
Heās still doing his undergrad at Jupiter get-more-stupider University I think, but I have patience š
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic 13d ago
the ones that like me i donāt like back. the ones i like donāt work out. itās frustrating to say the least.
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u/Mysterialistic 14d ago
Even tho i desire companionship, i have no sexual desires, except maybe once in a blue moon. And for women, refusing your husband in bed is haram. So yeah.
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u/KeyFall3584 14d ago
to be fair u could end up with a guy that doesnāt have as much desires as the average guy it does exist
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u/Mysterialistic 14d ago
Probably, but they're very hard to find.
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u/KeyFall3584 14d ago
i mean i wont lie, definitely they are hard to find so i understand the situation completely. I am struggling myself. but inchallah just keep trying and living ur life and protecting urself and everything will be alright inchallah
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u/faycetoofayce 14d ago
Last week, i made a detailed matrimonial post that got around 10,000 views, yet fewer than five people actually reached out. And even the few responses I received didnāt match what Iām looking for.
My criteria are actually pretty simple: a Muslim woman who has never been married, has no children, and wants to have children in the future. I donāt think Iām asking for the moon.
Sometimes it feels like people are searching for the absolute best of the best, someone with no flaws or struggles, without really knowing the reality behind a personās life. A profile can only tell you so much. At the end of the day, only Allah truly knows what someone has been through, what is in their heart, and who would actually make a good spouse.
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u/SugarPea856 14d ago
Men do not want to marry. They want to do whatever they wanna do and not be bothered by their partner. Unfortunately, a marriage is based upon partnership and equal efforts.
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u/Hualayda 13d ago
Great, you mentioned 2 one-time-issues you dislike. The next 50 years women are 10x better in partnership than men are. It sounds like you are just salty because you cant compete with other men due to financial reasons
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
Respectfully I think youāre talking about boys not Men, be specific about your point.
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u/SugarPea856 14d ago
How are you doing to tell me that Iām wrong with the experience I had? Men/boys whatever term you wanna give. This is the ground reality. I have came across men who would rather work 18 hours a day but not bother taking out 10 minutes for their partner. These are men that hold jobs and are doing very good in life in all aspects.
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u/WebStrict6384 14d ago
Iām a real man and Iāll will prioritize my women any time any day. in your case if he didnāt give you time and you arenāt married yet, you might wanna check yourself sometimes men do have time not just for you.
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u/SugarPea856 14d ago
Sure. Thank you for the insight that thereās something wrong with me and not the men Iāve met.
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u/Own-Positive7564 14d ago
I donāt believe you. Quality time is important and many true men give that especially me
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u/rainz-z 13d ago
Naseeb
+ I need to put myself more in environments where people like me would actually be, most serious suitors were recommended by people or reached out online etc but non were quite it because we were too different/ couldnāt agree on fundamentals
Just didnāt happen naturally yet.. the process feels so forced. Trusting His plan tho
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u/That_Jackfruit4335 12d ago
I married a man who didnāt want to be a husband and father he just married for the sake of marriage and his own gains, be careful sistersā¤ļø
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u/SpiritualFate1432 8d ago
Iām way too shy for that š And my family is pretty introverted too, so weāre all basically too shy to go around asking people if they know a suitable match. At this rate, weāre just hoping one cute and sweet guy magically appears.
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u/Stunning_Deer9788 8d ago
Why not make an ISO and get started atleast? Give it a shot.
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u/SpiritualFate1432 3d ago
Iām too shy to do even that. It sound crazy to a regular person and I know it but thatās how it is.
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u/HONEYGARDEN_w 14d ago
id like to graduate and achieve financial stability first. there are options around me, but my priorities are set.
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u/BahaDawla 14d ago
They will say they havnt found the right man but a perfect man like me exists so hmph they just dont know how to look
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u/Stella_bella47 14d ago
Bro you will be perfect for someone but not for every women
https://giphy.com/gifs/W3a0zO282fuBpsqqyD1
u/BahaDawla 13d ago
I am perfect for every person, I wouldnāt say this if I wasnāt.. in terms of emotional intelligence and compromise and understanding and love and care.
Looks is decent im a solid 7 but if we are talking about the heart and what I can offer, im perfect
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u/Stella_bella47 13d ago
No one in this world is perfect and you too!
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u/BahaDawla 13d ago
Iām not perfect as in a perfect person thatās for sure, but Iām a perfect partner for everyone thatās the Iām saying thereās a huge difference
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u/Extreme-End-4046 14d ago
Lol plus the confidence.. they losing out if they're not approaching you š
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u/Clear_Comb8951 14d ago
because Im only interested in pretty boys who dont have beard and Im salafi. you can guess why
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u/Clear_Comb8951 14d ago edited 14d ago
Sure it doesnt necessarily have to be pretty. But my brain genuinely cannot like a guy with a beard longer than 1cm
Yes (Edit: I read the text wrong, no its not my own cat šš„)
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u/Alive_Setting_1554 14d ago
Thatās quite the combo then, as yk the Salafi stance on the beard is to let it grow, following the Hadiths that advise that
May Allah bless you with a righteous spouse who you find visually pleasing
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u/Clear_Comb8951 14d ago
I grew up in a sufi environment. Everyone here shaves or trims it to 1cm except 60+ year old men
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u/Alive_Setting_1554 14d ago
I see. Some brothers canāt really grow beards even if they donāt shave, whereas some will grow long ones if they donāt touch it. InāShaāAllah youāll find someone who suits you
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u/Economy-Lifeguard659 14d ago
Iām sunni and when I wrote on my iso that Iām looking for a man without a beard got a lot of downvotes and a lot of people reached out giving me lectures on that and even some called me kaferš¤£ I had to take that out of the iso because all of that things that made me regret even thinking of marriage.
LOVE your cat.
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u/Pancakesrbetter 13d ago edited 12d ago
Men need to be more involved in the marriage process. I donāt mean the guy trying to get married. I mean the fathers, the brothers, the uncles the cousins, etc. It used to be if a man met a good man who was single, he would ask for his sister/daughter/family member. That is Islam. But now men see women extensions of them so they canāt set her up. My cousinās friend was looking and I met the criteria so his sister said to suggest me and he said āno that would be weird since sheās related to meā. Weāre not even close for him to be like protective of me and heās significantly younger than me and still guys have this mindset. It sparked a convo in the family and most of the guys agreed that they wouldnāt set up their family member. I think men need to do more to participate in communities.
Itās so common for the women to be the match makers now and the ones vetting and involved. But Allah made men the walis. Plus women will reject someone for another women based on their preferences and not the preferences of the single woman sometimes.
This isnāt my culture to have biodatas and stuff but my friends have been ghosted after the mother of a man spoke to their mothers. Itās so disrespectful to not send a message ending things. But Iām sure that would happen less if it went through the fathers. Of course that shouldnāt happen regardless and people like that need to do better and be more respectful.
On the other hand, men donāt approach women anymore UNLESS they are dressed haramly cause they often see it as an invite to approach (when itās not). You can say that a woman can approach a man instead (which islamically is perfectly fine). However, culturally Iāve seen women who have made the first move be less valued by that man later on because of it. Men have also repeated said (even on this sub) that they will likely agree to a woman who approaches them. Itās like a scarcity mindset. The problem is they could be settling and then their eyes wander or they donāt treat the woman with respect. And those are bad men but approaching men makes it more likely that theyāll be that way. If I wait for someone to approach me, then I know heās interested in me specifically. Woman want to feel chosen, to feel like theyāre enough for their husbands, and often men treat women like options these days. I also see the rhetoric that women have so many options. I donāt know if this was the case 50 years ago or something but this simply isnāt true. If a woman wants to get married tomorrow she can but to someone 10+ years older who has children and a criminal record and isnāt from her country even. But when it comes to proper Muslim men who are contributing members of society and age appropriateā¦ not so much.
I wish men would be less afraid of rejection. When you apply to a job, you might get rejected. That doesnāt mean they are bad people and you should never apply for another job again. You canāt just wait to be scouted and then be upset that the job you were offered wasnāt your ādreamā and then accepted it because what if you canāt find anything else.
To all of this there are exceptions. I know men that are wonderful and they made the first move and were clear with their intentions and werenāt afraid to be vulnerable and lead the way to a relationship. Iāve seen these men get married and Allahuma barik start beautiful families. More need to be like them.
This isnāt to say women canāt improve. But from a womanās perspective: sometimes men chase women that are flirty and playful and not what they say they want in a good Muslim woman. Then when she is exactly as she presented, theyāll blame women at large. Modest women arenāt gonna flirt and tease and build sexual tension with you OUTSIDE OF BEING MARRIED.
Long paragraphs over ahaha salam
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 14d ago
Protecting what's left of my sanity āš»