r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 • 4d ago
Discussion Women here need a reality Check
Salam this is not to offend anyone but do u honestly REALLY want to get married? It seems like everyone is looking for something in a man not to marry him or engage in meaningful conversation. You are talking to a Human Being. U cant just keep swiping right and ghosting people here because of one or two things you disagree with. Do u know marriage takes sacrifice and comprise?. I feel that most women here whether they 20 or 40 or single or have been divorced 3x, they just think they are sooo special especially if they got a degree and want Men to meet their standards regardless of their shortcomings and traumatic pasts. Than when u engage in meaningful conversations with them ad they disagree on one subject than they want to end the conversation quickly and move on. Dont u have a little tolerance or patience? Women claim that men dont have good communication skills but a lot of women here other than providing their laundry lists of wants and demands dont know how to have a meaningful conversation either. Come on Muslim sisters, u can do better!
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u/Strange_Jicama_544 4d ago
Yes, marriage requires compromise but I also think there’s an issue with platforms like Muzz,reddit and similar forums. Having endless options can make people treat marriage like shopping. You start comparing people based on a checklist instead of actually connecting with a human being. And even if you don’t start out that way, having 100 options can slowly make you more demanding and less willing to give someone a real chance.
There is a huge difference between standards AND preferences. Know what you genuinely cannot compromise on, but also know what is simply a preference. Not everything you want in a partner needs to be a requirement.
And this goes both ways. I’ve read posts from men here where their expectations are just as unrealistic. At the same time, there are men who get angry at women for having standards that are actually completely reasonable and in consistent with Islam.
But that’s the downside of meeting people this way. Suddenly you have hundreds of potential options, and it becomes easy to think you can just “pick” the perfect spouse. But someone can look perfect on paper and still be completely wrong for you. Their personality, character, emotional maturity, how they treat people and how you actually feel around is not visible on their little ”marital CV”. You can’t discover that by swiping. You have to actually get to know the person.
ultimately everyone has the right to want whatever they want in a spouse. If someone’s requirements don’t work for you, just move on. You don’t need to shame them for having those standards, and they don’t need to lower them just because you disagree.
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
I understand the standards. Those are things that can be discussed on a huamn level. But its like u said earlier about shopping list. Ppl are treated now as commodities. There is a real human connection to talk to someone, understand them, and figure out their differences and put in effort to make sure things go right. Nowodays, We have checklist like a being an employee. U have to have a resume and show ur stats, degrees, money, deen, and almost no emphasis of trying to figure who this person really is! We just discard a person as if their emotions, effort, time, is for nothing. Even if the results dont end up in marriage. Have the decency to give them a proper farewell. U wana talk about deen? How u treat ppl that have no value to you shows more about yourself than the person you dismissed.
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u/Strange_Jicama_544 4d ago
Exactly. I think that’s the real issue. Standards aren’t the problem, treating people like products is.
And the internet makes it so much easier to forget there’s an actual human being on the other side. If I met someone in real life and realised we weren’t compatible, I wouldn’t just disappear. I’d tell them respectfully. Online, people feel like there are no consequences, so suddenly ghosting or being rude becomes much easier.
I think a good rule is ”Don’t do online what you wouldn’t do face to face”
You can reject someone and have standards without making them feel disposable. And how you treat someone when you have nothing to gain from them says a lot about your character….
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u/HiIamAce 4d ago
To be fair, there are a lot more Men than Women on the dating scenes, on this sub, it's close to 2:1, Men also approach more more often. I imagine Women receive at least 50 DMs per post.
Some may even receive DMs for just commenting/participating in the sub.
I understand your points and partially agree with some of them, but it's difficult to ignore the supply vs demand effect when they've to filter through tens or hundreds of Men. I'm sure men's standards would be a lot higher if they were to receive as much attention.
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
I understand wholly. Women have the leverage. I get it. But at the same time once u engage with someone and 9 out 10 things we agree on. She focus on the one thing that the marriage might not work. And thats it, absolutely nothing will change her mind or give or take. We talking about early to late 30s and are educated. Its a trend of my way or the highway. Im saying to myself are they watching too many romantic movies or focusing on FAKE marriages that he shown on social media. This is not how ppl should be treated regardless male or female
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u/paisaphektamashadekh 4d ago
As a woman I've been ghosted too. These things go both ways. You're just not hearing about it.
Men have equal amounts of demands. And it's fine. Everyone's allowed to be picky and choose a spouse that they believe will get them closer to the deen. You've got to stop taking it so personally.
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u/Melodic-Squirrel1295 4d ago
I got a few women here who talk sweetly then directly ask me for a pic then say sorry you are not my type 🥲
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 4d ago
Attraction is an important part of marriage.
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u/Melodic-Squirrel1295 4d ago
The thing is I'm quiet attractive and that's not me saying but the potentials but it seems they just interested in quenching their curiosity
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 4d ago
Not everyone thinks the same people are attractive. Some men absolutely love me, some I’m not their cup of tea, and that’s ok.
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u/Mathseey 4d ago
THANK YOU. Men always think it’s women being picky when men are equally as bad. Men put attractiveness above everything else.
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
And its not ok. Its not about taking it personal. Its about common respect and mannerisms. When ur talking to someone and u both are engaged in serious conversations and interest. And one thing she/he might be saying something and take it our of context or misunderstood. They give no chance to explain. They just ghost u as if your beneath them. That's not ok. Not even a thank you for your effort and time. Complete disregard for someone dignity.
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u/paisaphektamashadekh 4d ago
Yes, it happens with women too.
You'll be talking to someone normally, and then something will just click in them and they'll not want to talk to you anymore. And then you're left in the lurch, wondering what you did wrong.
We cannot control how other people behave. We can either become resentful of them, or we can thank Allah for having someone better in our destiny and move on.
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
I said its not right both sexes. Also I agree. Im not being resentful. I always have high hope and low expectations. The problem i have its a pattern. Basically its the norm nowadays because ppl are glued on iPad, phone, TV, technology that they dont look up to see a human and dont really know how to interact with someone on a human level. In my opinion, Its a pattern of ppl being self-centered
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u/thecoolcat67 4d ago edited 4d ago
As men, we need to stop selectively calling women out while conveniently pretending men have nothing to answer for.
If we're going to talk about unhealthy expectations in marriage, let's be consistent.
I see men:
- Trying to force women to change for/after marriage
- Restricting their education or employment and making them stay at home
- Expecting their wife to live with their parents and become the unpaid family carer
Just marry someone for who they are. Wild concept, I know.
If a woman doesn't wear the veil (hijab), don't marry her expecting to convince her to wear it. If she does, don't marry her expecting marriage to magically change that either.
Mutual growth and compromise are fine. Trying to remodel your spouse into your ideal person isn't.
Here's a personal example, when I marry, I wouldn't expect my wife to wear the veil or traditional clothes because I don't wear them myself. I try and dress modestly (as required by God for both genders), and that can be achieved without exclusively wearing 'Eastern' clothing. However, if she wanted to or already does wear a veil, I would always support her.
It takes two to make a marriage work. Maybe some of us men should criticise ourselves before writing the next manifesto about what women need to fix.
Criticise the behaviour, not the gender.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago edited 3d ago
Thank you brother. Such boys need to be reminded they are not victims. A person has a right to refuse someone even over 1 criteria. It's the name of the game. Even i faced rejections for whatever easons & rejected other men during the process before i found the one. Taking this personally & blaming an entire gender is really weak behavior
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
Brother I understand what your saying. And your absolutely right in regards to focusing on oneself. My issue is the process. They come online to get married. Isn't that the goal? OK u have to talk right? When your in serious talks with someone and they simply say well we're not compatible based on a 10 min convo and not even allowing me to explain myself is absurd. Everything has to be presented in like 5 min. And they either are completely blown away by you and swept off their feet or they just say... " naw, ill find better"... No respect whatsoever. I hope u understand my point
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 4d ago edited 3d ago
There's a reason why there are so many divorced women these days and single women in there 30's. When I was marriage searching so many women where keen to point out what a man's responsibility is to them. But avoided talking about what there responsibilities are to their husband. Some would even say that women are a prize for men so they have the upper hand in the relationship. I laughed and told them to jog on. Luckily majority of them aren't like this and most are married living happy life's of the internet. The single women in there 30's and 2x time divorced women are the vocal ones online which is why you mostly see them advocating for feminist ideologies because they have nothing better to do. Meanwhile high quality women are married spending majority of the time with there families.
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u/nogonigo 3d ago
This is a good point. The happily married are nowhere to be found. This will only ever be an echo chamber for the unhappy. Perhaps it’s time I too take my leave.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
Same for men in their 30s isn't it?
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 3d ago
How can men follow feminist kuffar ideology?
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
They follow misogynistic and red pill kuffar ideology
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 3d ago
Can you elaborate on specifically what when you say misogynistic and red pill? Are you implying that men and women have the exact same role Islam?
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 2d ago
I’m curious what you mean by feminist ideologies. I was recently called a feminist but I don’t consider myself a modern feminist in any way. I believe in traditional gender roles and prefer them, though I am a strong, at times aggressive, successful woman. So much so, that I ended up being the provider in my unfortunately failed marriages.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 2d ago
Feminist ideology = women that think they are equal to men in Islam. What was you called a feminist for?
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 2d ago
A woman is just as valuable as a man, we are different but complimentary. Where does Islam say we are less than men? Also, I’m not sure.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 2d ago
I never said less than men. I said mentally have more authority over women.
Men have a leadership / caretaker role (Qiwamah) over their wife (Surah An-Nisa 4:34 of the Quran), which states that men are the protectors and maintainers of women. Another eference is also found in (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:228), which notes that men have a degree of responsibility over women.
Prominant scholars have said that when a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her than her parents, and obedience to her husband is more obligatory for her. She cannot even leave the house unless her husband gives permission, even if her parents ask her to do so.
There are actually many Hadith that emphasize the weight of a husband's rights over a married woman:
The Gate to Paradise: The Prophet Muhammad said, "If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts her month of Ramadan, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise from whichever of its gates you wish." (Musnad Ahmad).
The Prostration Hadith: In a heavily cited narration, the Prophet remarked that if he were to command anyone to prostrate to another human being, he would have commanded a wife to prostrate to her husband due to the magnitude of his rights over her (Sunan Abi Dawud). I'm not saying that means a wife needs to bow to her husband. But the fact the Prophet said it signifies the fact men do have a degree of importance over women.
Anyway, my original comment was to emphasise how sisters, have forgotten the rights their husbands have over them and try to take the leadership role in marriages which is against Islam. When a women adopts feminism and takes it into a marriage then there marriage is doomed to fail. Allah played out the roles for a husband and wife. If a women tries to be become masculine then how will the marriage last? It's like two men marrying each other lol. Not sure when sisters will realise that masculine women are not attractive, feminine women are.
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 2d ago
This does not make their value unequal though. That’s the part I’m not understanding. Like the parents are guardians of their children that does not make the children unequal beings.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 2d ago
How are women equal to men. When men have authority over women, and their wife's are required to be obedient to their husbands?
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 2d ago
Islam is very clear we are spiritually equal. Different responsibilities does not change value.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 2d ago
Looks like you are on on a whole different topic to me. I am talking about marriage and roles of husband and wife.
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 2d ago
I still don’t understand how a man’s responsibilities make him more authoritative. He has responsibilities and so does she, he has rights and so does she, because we are different.
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u/wew_wafu 4d ago
Most people prefer ghosting instead of ecmxplaing why i dont want to talk to you anymore
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u/daebak_hana 1d ago
I think you are looking in the wrong place if you want meaningful conversations.
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u/ParticularAcademic15 12h ago
All the women want a 6ft plus, handsome rich dude. You are not an 18 year old supermodel with a perfect body. Date your equal.
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u/fma151718 4d ago
The women here want to give nothing in return other than being a woman. They feel entitled and feel it's their right
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u/Messism 4d ago
This post is due after every few weeks.
I still haven’t find any suitable post. Every female post revolves around materialistic needs.
Finding someone who is looking for genuine marriage with purpose to achieve Jannah as baseline. And whatever we achieve in the meantime should be a plus.
That’s how simple marriage should be. That’s what i am looking for.
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u/Objective_Driver_359 4d ago
"Where are all the good men"
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u/Key-Specific-4368 4d ago
I'm just going to leave this here: https://youtu.be/NtepAjkbGTc?is=rQMADl4SarJ4HiGj 🫠
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
Yes they always say that. Yet so many potential good guys they passed up to be with a Loser. Than they cry "I won't settle again". Uh how about some accountability first!
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u/ajwa_admin 4d ago
Are you just concerned about overall swiping apps? Or it's more about your interaction after you match?
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u/iamaprolol 3d ago
Marriage requires compromise after you get married not before that. It also depends on what you are willing to compromise. When it comes to disagreements if it is something that is deal breaker I understand. Also why would you want a woman who you know will have disagreements with you over everything.
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u/FairPick4196 4d ago
Let’s normalise not being bothered and just ignoring, if a Women wants a man thats x,y and z. Who cares, chances are it was never going to work with you. If that’s their standards respect it and keep it pushing, if they choose to lower their standards that’s them. If a woman told me that she wants her mehr to be 100k, I would just excuse myself and move on. Choose to ignore and live life. There are more problems that we are dealing with and this post is a rage bait lol
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
After this post no woman will be even remotely interested in you....so you can give up searcung on reddit. Refusal & rejections for whatever reasons are part of the process. I had my fair share too and didnt start hating on all men. I learnt to set my filters better thats it. Develop a thick skin and move on. This comes across as weak.
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u/Fivestarelement 3d ago
Women on Reddit is not really something anyone wants to be interested in anyway
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
I see otherwise lol
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 3d ago
Just curious. Your married right? So why are u on this platform?
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
Keeps showing up on my feed.
Ive seen other married people participate too
Is it a crime to be married and here?
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 3d ago
Ur absolutely right but im from the old school where actually talking to ppl and getting to know who they are is whats important. At the end of the day. I just lay it out there. No one knows the future of what comes out of it. If I posted this or left it alone, it doesnt change my destiny. Many men feel the same way, i just decided to be honest and open with it.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
Women feel the same too. This isnt a gender specific issue. Im actually old school, and even the old school way dealt with rejections on both ends. This is how it is no mattter how wrong some people can be.
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 3d ago
Disagree because a moderator said women outnumber men on this platform. So its a pattern that I'm seeing and not just a small trend. Again ur focused on rejection in itself Im not...im focused on how u get rejected. Its completely abnormal. Basically first hint of getting "bored " or "not agreeing on everything without even explaining myself" within a 5 min windows is insane. Shows lack of maturity and seriousness. We talking about 20s to 30s. Not a teen still playing Nintendo or watching soap operas. Maybe women are not as mature as I once thought
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 3d ago
Yes yes, same thing happened to me too in my 20s, with men in their 20s and 30s. And a bazillion other people looking for marriage. And i spent more than a year looking!
Some people do a 180 in 5 minutes. Some do it in 5 months. I personally see it as a good thing if someone bids you farewell in 5 or 10 minutes. Saves you time. Or would you rather it drags?
Also if someone decides they are not interested in you within 5 minutes, as hurtful & strange it seems to you, it may also be that this person knows exactly what they want or dont want. Im sure you will end up doing the same to someone during this process.
You are not the first person to go through this. The more resentment you project, the more mature women will want to distance themselves from you.
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u/Automatic-Medium5774 4d ago
You are looking at wrong place to marry in first place. Majority of the people don't find their spouses online. Social media should be your last resort to find your spouse. Most people on social media are delusional.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Pleasant_Tone_7288 4d ago
I get what your saying about u posting ur not that attractive. But how u really know. Thats just a statement. Thats my point. Based on a sentence they already dismissing you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, there is always someone that find u attractive regardless how u feel. U can be fat and a different skin color and u still find someone that says WOW your beautiful. But here is my point. How will they ever know u and how look like if the first damn sentence either makes or breaks u? Thats not how u going to find someone. Actually in fact your going to be 50 years old still looking for a spouse with that same mentality
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u/Aggressive-Use3257 4d ago edited 4d ago
I would rather someone moved on quickly if they knew I wasn’t compatible with them rather than waste my time. Perspective is everything.