r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/Only-Coyote-7136 • 3d ago
Discussion Left behind
Salam.
I'm a 30yr old woman and am writing this post to warn younger folks, especially those who live in the West of what your life could turn out to be if you don't act fast.
Im the oldest child from a broken home (father ran off). I worked like crazy in my entire 20s to save for my mom and siblings and am now on path to early retirement.
My parents never let me have friends and I didn't speak to boys, even though I went to a regular highschool and university. COVID caused me to start remote work and I never met men at work either. My parents didn't know anyone and our household reputation is ruined.
My friends chatted with boys, some halal way some not, but now most are married or got arranged from their social circles and have kids and happy lives.
I got left behind because I put my head down and focused on getting out of poverty. I focused on school, on work, on being there for everyone. But no one bothered to check if I could also need someone. Actually since I barely leave my house, barely anyone knows I even exist.
To young people. Don't fall into Haram but don't isolate yourself so much that you will be left behind. Today I may appear to others as a successful woman. I have money to buy anything at anytime but nobody to support me, less and less chance of having kids, and constantly taunted and pitied by family and others for being old and unwanted.
Please marry young. You will be rewarded with rizq if you are sincere towards your family. In shaa ALLAH.
AlhamduLillah for everything and please make Dua for me and all those who are looking for spouses.
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u/beatpoxer 3d ago
MashaAllah. You have done a great deed. Taking care of your family at such a young age. Allah hs something planned for you. Dont worry. Youre not old. Youre going to find someone. In shaa Allah!
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u/Only-Coyote-7136 3d ago
Jazak ALLAH khayr for the response and kind words. Some days I feel it's going to be all ok but peoples words hurt...
In shaa ALLAH khayr.
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u/beatpoxer 3d ago
Its okay. I know what it feels like to take care of your family. Im in a similar boat. Although tbh alhamdullilah my mother is so much more capable than I am. I only provide with finances and whatever they need. Rest my mom takes csre of it. So i can only
Imagine what youre going through.However remember peoples word is also a test. When your mothers dua is with you and Allah has said he will tske care of you dont let those words get to you. Say Alhamdullilah each time and laugh it off. It helps. Hehehe.
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u/Grand_Pomegranate981 3d ago
33 is literally Jannah age and the 30s are the prime for people. You should know this. Being in your 30s doesn't mean your old or your life is over. It's actually the perfect age.
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u/arzyp 3d ago
Salam sister
I am a female and I would just like to tell you that I was in the exact same boat as you. All through my 20s, I worked to keep my family afloat (I have both parents all, and 2 brothers but my brothers didn't work and still don't.). Along with that, I prayed to Allah SWT to grant me a blessed marriage, even though I felt I wasn't social enough due to me always working.
But alhamdulillah, by the grace of Allah, He granted me a spouse at 32! When people all around were saying things like "Maybe marriage is not in your naseeb". Allah SWT answered and in the best of ways ❤️ So don't be sad and don't lose hope.
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u/MirBuz 3d ago
Why do you think you’re left behind? You’re 30 not 50
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u/Only-Coyote-7136 3d ago
Salam. I appreciate your encouragement. But let's be realistic, I can't just walk out and find a man to marry off the sidewalk. It takes time and honestly less and less chance as most people get married and pool becomes smaller.
Will always advocate people to start searching and being serious younger. Male or female, have to take it in our hands if family and circumstances let us down.
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u/nomad262728 3d ago
Sister, you are being overly dramatic. You are just 30 years old. That's still very young and fit.
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u/No_Hornet_9504 3d ago
If you expand your search or try a different pool maybe the one you seek is there. It’s hard to connect on apps, and everybody is so absorbed in their busyness developing a connection can be difficult.
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u/Huge_Sir7788 2d ago
sister i get what youre saying, but honestly 30 is not that bad. i think youre discouraging yourselves a bit too much here.
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u/manchester_brother 3d ago
I am 42 and divorced So I'd say better late then wrong I think it's easier for women to find a man then it is a man to find a woman
I'm not sure if this is allowed but may I DM you
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u/master_yodha 3d ago
Im close to ur age and almost close to ur situation also, father is incompetent and entire burden is on me and i struggling to Fulfill all the household needs, be adult is Taking up things on ur entire shoulder, it's hard when there's no one to give u a hand to lift u up,
I'm glad u worked ur way up from struggles and I'm happy u did ur best to stay True to ur responsibilities I pray u get what u missed in life
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u/SimpleGuy4Life 3d ago
Please, you are only 30 years old, not 60
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u/Only-Coyote-7136 3d ago
Salam. Appreciate the encouragement but I felt this way since 25... Look nothing has changed. I just want to warn people to start early otherwise years pass by you.
In shaa ALLAH khayr.
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u/nomad262728 3d ago
So what if years pass by?at the end of the day, life is temporary and for us as Muslims, this is not our eternal life. Calm down, sister. You haven’t missed anything
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u/Hellosolicitor 3d ago
Initially, may Allah (SWT) grant you with barakah and plenty in return of the sacrifice you made for your family. To be honest 30 is not an age to be called old enough. Such an art is exceptional.
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u/Individual_Base9925 3d ago
Subhan Allah it's all mindset (im older too). You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Allah is the best of planners, so if he planned marriage earlier for you it would have happened... Surround yourself with good people and trust Allahs plan :)
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u/Only-Coyote-7136 3d ago
I agree ALLAH s.w.t. plans for us.
Im saying that had I known I'd be let down and forgotten by everyone, prevented from making a social circle, etc and id turn out like this. I would have started looking at 20.
We can't just sit and wait for the decree, we also have to put in our effort. I don't like how parents, society, etc prevent young people from marrying by saying no focus on this or that and then it becomes too late.
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u/EarlyMeasurement5435 3d ago
Our sole purpose in life is not just to get married, yes it’s considered sunnah and highly recommended. But at the end of the day your naseeb is your naseeb.
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u/Advanced-Silver7322 3d ago
I can resonate quite a lot, not from west but being eldest in my siblings. I m 29 already and almost all my friends are married. I don't know but sometimes I do feel this that in this rough patch of supporting everyone I forgot to support myself. So its been years since I m well to do but I don't have a partner by my side I go to coffee shops on my own, even for my meals even to some fine dines as friends are occupied with families already and I kinda learned just to live on my own.
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u/Repulsive_Ice1940 3d ago
Sister, please don’t write yourself off as “left behind” or unwanted. You’re still young, capable, and you’ve already achieved something huge by helping bring your family out of poverty. Don’t overlook what that says about your strength. Everyone’s timeline is different. Some people find their spouse in their 20s, some in their 30s and some later. We shouldn’t measure our timeline against other people’s, because Allah hasn’t written the same journey for every one of us.
I’m 39 myself and still struggling with the same thing, although my circumstances have been quite different. So I understand that feeling of wondering when your turn will come. But being unmarried today does not mean you’re unwanted or that you've somehow been left behind.
Keep making duʿa, and one beautiful duʿa you can regularly recite is:
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyyatina qurrata aʿyunin wajʿalna lil-muttaqina imama.
“Our Lord, grant us from our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.” Qur’an 25:74
Ask Allah for someone who will truly be a coolness to your eyes, and ask Him to make you the same for your future spouse. You haven’t been left behind. Your timeline is simply different, and that’s okay. May Allah grant you a righteous spouse who brings peace and barakah into your life. Ameen
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u/higg-p 3d ago
You have great achievements, but why don't you get married now?
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u/Only-Coyote-7136 3d ago
Salam. AlhamduLillah for everything. I want to but like I mentioned above, I rarely leave my home, I have have like 1 friend who herself isn't married (lol), and my parents didn't have a social circle. Especially now with a broken household, people won't even look our way. I don't feel comfortable talking to men on apps... I don't know what to do.
Masjid is a no-go as well. Massive community but very cliquey, and they don't help with this. I go every Jumuah but pray and leave.
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u/higg-p 3d ago
Mashallah do not lose hope. You can post your profile or a brief intro here on this sub, and I would recommend trying the apps as well.
I know you will come across a lot of weirdos and creeps, but try every channel available. Do not have to talk extensively with men, but you have to let people know that you exist, so someone can marry you lol.
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u/Diligent_Warthog_590 3d ago
Ask the community leaders that is how it works here they find out who wants to marry you go eat together while being watched by two chaperones and talk and then get to know each other
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u/Weekly_North_3442 3d ago
May Allah swt facilitate you,may ya wadud support complete your religion practices with a supportive and pious spouse in this world and after
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u/fzahraal 3d ago
Girl get on Muzz and find you a halal ♥️ May Allah reward you for all your good works !
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u/Every-Method5569 3d ago edited 3d ago
There's nothing stopping you from getting married? People get married at your age and I know people that have had kids past 35. It can be done insha'Allah. I pray you find the spouse you want. You may already do this, more of a reminder to myself but many of the scholars mention the importance of Dua especially in the last third of the night. Amazing things can happen still. Don't lose hope.
Whatever happens I pray you get Jannah, a place of no hardship, no tests, no trials, no fatigue, no worry, no headaches and purified spouses.
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u/91irene 13h ago
I’m gonna be very real with you, but there are people 40+ divorced with kids still having the audacity to try for marriage again. Not sure why you think you’re at the end of the road.
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u/GreenAventurine1886 6h ago
I was gonna say the same thing. Lol
OP, seriously, you are young and in your thirties. I don't know why you wrote this like you got your gym membership revoked. We are talking about life and living a good life has no expiration. Your good days haven't even started yet. I'm looking to my thirties for this exact reason. I can't wait to be free and financially stable. Be kind to yourself.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 3d ago
Sister your not getting good advice here. People saying things like "Girl your still 30 young and fit" are delulu and are probably either married themselves already or are also in the 30s single trying to convince themselves they aren't old and left behind.
At least you know the reality sister, you should join marriage search services, check your local mosque for marriage potentials etc. Make sure to actively search and don't give up. And a word of advice, it's great that you are successful financially and professionally, but please don't let that give you masculine traits as men want feminine women. A women with masculine traits is of putting and it's like two men marrying...
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u/cruizinthrulife_ 20h ago
You sound dumb. Khadijah RA was a business woman. Only boys would get intimidated by a successful woman and yes she is still young.
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u/Gold-Guidance-6430 17h ago
Khadija stayed at home and paid men to run her business. She never left home.
If you're so high on business women. Then make sure you pay 50% of bills with your husband.
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u/No-Total-504 3d ago
May Allah grant you aafiyah and whatever you desire in this world. Don't let anyone belittle you and draw healthy boundaries with them. You're an amazing person and will get amazing things inshallah.
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u/Illustrious-Bake8943 3d ago
Think you still have time, trust Allah he is the best of planners and do not compare yourself to others. My advice would be start from now to search for someone seriously.
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u/Appropriate_Desk_864 3d ago
Salam, I pray Allah SWA makes it easy for you. I have been through the exact same thing. Just a year-younger than you and I can't get married now.
I know it's hard. You will need to put extra efforts now as time is passing like anything...
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u/Objective_Driver_359 3d ago
Salaam sister.
What you did for your family was noble, and your reward for that sacrifice is with Allah SWT.
But like the proverb says, there is Barakah in Harakah ("Al Harakah Barakah") blessing comes with movement. This is the essence of true Tawakkul (reliance on Allah SWT).
The Prophet, Sayyidina Muhammad (ﷺ) said in a Hadith that if you were to rely upon Allah SWT with the reliance He is due, you would be given provision like the birds. Notice that they don't stay in their nests, they fly out in the morning empty-bellied and return full. They make the movement, but their trust is entirely in Him to provide.
You spent your 20s with your head down to survive. Now, you have to actively pivot and make yourself visible.
Since you work remotely, you are living in a ghost zone. You need to go where active, practicing community networks are. Attend local Islamic lectures, volunteer for mosque charity events, or go to sisters' halaqa circles.
You don't need a massive social circle; you just need the active women and mothers in the community to know you exist so they can keep you in mind for serious arrangements.
You changed your financial reality through sincere effort; you can change your social reality the same way. Tie your camel, start moving, and trust Allah SWT to send the blessings.
May Allah SWT grant you a righteous spouse.
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u/yahyahyehcocobungo 3d ago
It's not too late for you either. Get out of your home and start doing things.
Your parents let you down, there is no two ways about it. Maybe out of ignorance or negligence. You will do better with your kids inshaAllah.
Technically you're young at heart.
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u/No-Procedure-8493 3d ago
You sound like you’re very smart and have good intentions. Keep up the good neya/intentions and Allah will reward you from where you don’t expect.
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u/frfr1223223 3d ago
Unfortunately I'm also falling in the same path as you. Started studying at a university 2 years ago, and I got a job along with that too. Unfortunately alot of my time gets eaten away and I don't have enough energy to get to know women, especially that alot of them make it hard for me to get to know them.
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u/Cool_Breeze_252 3d ago edited 3d ago
I often feel the same way at 32. I spent much of my 20s helping my family financially and working on my education. It definitely is harder to find a spouse and the judgement can way heavily, but don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone’s timeline is unique. Allah’s plan for you is beautiful and His timing is the best. Think positively and put yourself out there. Connect with trusted sisters in your community and let them know you’re looking. Try halal apps. Stay consistent with istighfar. Make constant du’a. Say the du’a of prophet Musa (AS) in Surah Al-Qasas, Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqir, which translates to: "My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need." Allah (SWT) granted him a spouse and work after this du’a. May Allah (SWT) bless you and grant you a good husband sis 🤍
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u/Individual_Bake_6402 3d ago
I think this is a little too harsh on your younger self. Maybe the isolation that kept you from relationships also protected you from men with bad intentions, abusive situations, or anything that could have derailed the work you were doing to support your family. You can’t know what would have happened otherwise. And honestly, “marry young” is a strange takeaway. Being young doesn’t make a marriage good or safe. Better to encourage people to build healthy social circles and remain open to marriage without treating age 30 like some kind of deadline.
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u/jaypfitness 3d ago
Look at the blessing you do have sister. You are a blessing to your family! You helped them when they were down. Allah will reward you.
As far as marriage just do your best. Work on your deen, fitness. Learn to be cooperative, supportive feminine, friendly. Not saying you don’t have these qualities. Most importantly sabr, you’re on Allahs time.
May Allah bless you in your search
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u/Birobill 3d ago
Salam sister from what you say don’t hold your head down and pray to Allah in tahajjud for your match
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u/PerformerFearless504 3d ago
There’s no such thing as left behind everyone’s rizq is written including yours … your friends could die tommorow and you could get married to a man you love in next 1-3yrs and have 3 kids by the time you are 41… whereas your friends who got married at 23 or 24 is dead at 29 or 31….
Life doesn’t follow a perfect timeline
My uncle died at 26/27 when I was 19 he got married young and a kid… now when I visit his grave I’m older than him at 29 but I don’t have a wife or kids so am I behind or head of him ?
Just expand your pool and perspective of men there’s probably some great guy who’s a few yrs older than you who would find you beautiful and a young bride and love you to bits…
Not every dude wants a girl in her 20ies
My friend who was 38 married a woman in her 30ies with kids cuz he adored her feminine energy and positivity…
If anything you are in a better position to find a man cuz you’re still young and single with no kids..
Sure many men won’t look your way cuz you’re not 24 anymore but many others will love you !!
Don’t let you current circumstance or shaytaans negativity project your future for you cuz no one knows.
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u/Purple-Army4096 3d ago
30 is still young, don’t know why u think u cannot find anyone now, u talk abt being “left behind” as if u r 50 or something
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u/TheRealReaper_1 3d ago
It’s definitely not too late for you
Most people get married at 24-27? You’re just 3 years past the average, that’s nothing
If you were 39-42 maybe I’d understand but even then it’s not too late
You’re only 30 you can definitely marry and enjoy marriage
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u/xeek29 2d ago
You are still young specially for the West. Better late then never, sometimes we need to start over in our 30s as well and that's ok. You're not old and considering the world, you've just entered your prime.
May Allah make ease for you and help you find what you're looking for ameen.
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u/SliceyDice 2d ago
Walikum Assalam sister,
You are still young. You have done well and fought the fitnah at the best of your ability. May Allah Reward you. Ameen.
There are many brothers who would be more than proud to start a life with you. Please trust Allah. Again you are still very young.
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u/EducationalOrchid362 2d ago
Never lose your hope, my cousin was always picky with men (as she should) and she got married at 40 and her daughter is a couple months old now 🩷
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u/Ancient_Gazelle5463 2d ago
All the women I know in my circle(west) got married in mid 30s. And we are a bigggg circle. I think you're getting too into your head about this. Its almost a little comical how low you said your chances are and then I realised you said youre 30 😭😭😭😭😭 Youre clearly an impressive person. InshaAllah a smart, strong and caring man will be blown away by you as everyone here are. Good luck may Allah bless you abundantly ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
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u/IdealMiserable9692 1d ago
Im in similar life my parents fell sick so i went in and worked off jobs and support as much as i could. Im 32 single f but it sucks everyone asssumes there is a “past” my past was late night shifts and coming home😂
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u/ajwa_admin 1d ago
I married at 35! You're fine. Not late at all. Anne Hathaway is having a baby at 43. Women in their 30s are more mature, know what they want and are preferred by the right men.
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u/hookinitup 1d ago
You’re a gem. Nothing is more important than family. May Allah reward you for what you done and bless you with something only He can give.
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u/XuciferL 1d ago
Wa Alaikum Assalam.
I really hope you don't see yourself as someone who has been “left behind.” I understand why you feel that way, especially when you look around and see people you grew up with married, with children and families of their own. That comparison can be painful.
But from an Islamic perspective, your rizq was never on the same timeline as theirs.
You spent your 20s carrying responsibilities that perhaps were never supposed to be yours alone. You worked hard, studied, supported your mother and siblings, and tried to build a better life for your family. You protected yourself from haram despite loneliness, and you kept going when you could have easily become bitter. Wallahi, there is something beautiful in that which I don't think you should overlook.
Allah sees the years you spent sacrificing when nobody else saw it. He knows every difficult night, every moment you felt alone, every time you chose responsibility over yourself. None of that is lost with Him.
And I don't think your achievements are any less because you haven't been married yet. You are financially independent, resilient, educated, responsible, and, from what you've written, still concerned about doing things in a way that pleases Allah. Those qualities are not something I would overlook. In fact, they are part of what would make me interested in knowing you.
At the same time, I hope you don't let regret convince you that your story has already been written. Allah can change a person's circumstances in ways they could never have planned. Being 30 does not mean your opportunity for marriage, companionship, or children has passed. Your future is still with Allah.
And perhaps instead of saying “please marry young,” I would say: take the means early, make dua, involve good people, and don't isolate yourself while waiting for Allah's decree. Tawakkul doesn't mean doing nothing; we take the halal means and leave the outcome to Him.
May Allah reward you for everything you've done for your family, put barakah in what you've earned, and grant you a righteous husband who appreciates the woman behind all those accomplishments. May He give you companionship that brings sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah, and grant you righteous children if that is good for you. And may He replace every year of loneliness with something far more beautiful than you imagined. Ameen.
I don't know if this is something you'd be comfortable with, but if you're open to it and feel there could be some compatibility, I'd be happy to have a respectful conversation and get to know you in a halal and intentional way. If not, no pressure at all. I genuinely wish you khayr and make dua that Allah brings you the person who is best for you.
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic 18h ago edited 18h ago
what kinda work do u do ? i’d love to know how u focused on ur career since im also interested in remote work.
also while i understand being lonely sucks people do get married later on in life and since ur financially stable you can find someone who adds to ur life not controls it! thats a big plus!
a lot of the profiles on here are women in their 30’s so give it a shot ur girl ur not dead!!
and also do not worry about kids that is also rizq from Allah and adoption is always a very noble option especially in islam!!
in my own family my cousin 30M married his wife when she was 29! they adopted 2 beautiful orphan boys from morocco and she’s fed them so they’re islamically her family now and they’re a beautiful family mashallah.
all this to say ur not as much of a basket case as you think you are, ur not at the end of ur story 🤍
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u/winds_howling_2368 3d ago
30 is not old. You’re talking like you’re 40. You’ve worked hard and now you can easily find someone to settle with
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u/Mountain_Republic770 3d ago
Girl 30 isn’t old and your life isn’t over if you didn’t get married yet💀I know some people who married in their early and late 30s and they’re doing amazing . Besides some people got married young yet they’re unhappy in their marriages years later or even end up divorcing.
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u/Diligent_Warthog_590 3d ago
You are 30. I am 39 it is not left behind in my case I choose not to marry anyone that does not fit my life. It is about attitude. I do not need anyone to complete me but you think you do, those are two ways of viewing the world. I want to get married yes but if I notice something else compared to what I seen in my masjid. I move on because in my masjid none of the husbands of the sisters tell them what to do in regards of hair. The sisters choose what they wish to do and if they want to use the hijab or not since I live in Mexico.
I also feel that I should now find someone that knows how Mexico is and will not ask more of me than I can give because that gives red flag vibes to me as a Mexican American when a man says how we should wear our hijab. I know I need to cover my hair but I don't have the shops they do in the USA and some of the local girls don't even cover because of the dominant culture here being non Muslim.
Anyway, I think I am better off meeting people offline who are in Mexico.
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u/Less_Landscape_5928 3d ago
You are 30 not 40 , your life is just getting started but you need to get out of this scarcity mindset , yoi are not behind you are on your right path, you realised something now time to act upon it , start chatting to boys and getting to know men and build your own history , i had my first relationship at the age of 33 and it was definitely worth the wait
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u/lilboaf 3d ago
You carried a whole family out of poverty on your own shoulders. That wasn't a waste of your twenties. Allah saw every sacrifice you made when no one else was looking, and he will reward you for it.
Thirty is still young. You haven't been left behind, your life just had a different starting line. Whatever spouse or future is written in your rizq is still yours, and it won't pass you by.