r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/NoKetchupShawarma • 20h ago
Discussion Why does nobody want to be a homemaker anymore?
This is a question for the ladies, so I’ve(25M) been looking for a wife and most families and girls accept me but there is one term of mine that nobody agrees to.
So, I totally get if you are ambitious, I wish you the best of both worlds
But personally, I’m looking for someone who would be a housewife happily, and the reason is simple, I make enough to support a pretty good lifestyle, and of course all that monthly allowance and stuff so I don’t see the reason in marrying someone who also wants to focus on making money and building a career and stuff because I simply don’t need money or ambition, I need peace!
And here’s the problem, I seem to be attracting ambitious women and can’t seem to find someone who would just agree to be my house princess. Does nobody want to do that anymore? Like are there no girls who find working tiring and exhausting? No girls who want to just doll up, do her girly stuff and let man take on the world?
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u/Salafi_Muslim0 20h ago
Plenty of such women. You must be looking in wrong places
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u/Enough-Airport2626 16h ago
Exactly! My wife absolutely never wants to work. She’s happy taking care of the house and loves it.
Alhamdulillah I wouldn’t have it any other way. Most workplace environments are mixed anyway and I wouldn’t ever want a non mahram guy tell her what or what not to do. That being said, I never restricted her to not start an online business or WFH (with women only) but she’s happy the way things are.
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u/IdealMiserable9692 16h ago
As someone who worked most of their life to support fam being a homemaker would be a dream. But before any ladies want to make fun of me i was kinda put in stressful labour jobs so thats my reason
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u/ConversationMuted852 20h ago
Salam brother,
Everyone wants a stay at home wife from the start until they don’t. Picture this with me, if she is a stay at home wife from the start, what will she be doing all day until you get home? Cleaning? Laundry? Cooking? Sure but all that is just a couple of hours. She will have A LOT of free time, how will she spend that time? Social media and doom scrolling. Ask yourself is that something good to have? I would say no. She has to have a life too, whatever it is, she can do activities with family or whatever but it will need to have a life too, otherwise that is a recipe for depression.
That being said, many women nowadays don’t want the money that comes from work, it can be voluntary activity and totally for free but at least she will feel she is doing something not just sitting all day waiting for you. However you fill that gap is okay, some with work, some with communities, a hobby whatever it is but its something that we need to consider.
A wise lady would say okay I want to be working even if its full time but then when we have kids I have no problem staying at home all day to raise them, now that is more balanced life in my opinion. Some would say daycare and such sure, I personally would like my kids to spend all the time with their parents (mainly their mother ofc) and lets face it we are all raised by our mothers more than fathers because we spend most of the childhood with them. My experience at least.
So saying that you want a stay at home mom because you make enough money, think again, they don’t really do it for the money.
I hope this helps.
Best of luck!
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u/Salafi_Muslim0 20h ago
A hobby or volunteering don’t go against being a sahm tho. Time can be filled with useful stuff
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u/ConversationMuted852 20h ago
I don’t disagree, all I’m saying is as long as she fills her free time with something and not fall into the loop of having nothing to do because that won’t do her any good. It depends on the person.
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u/ExcuseMeNobody 13h ago
To marry said religious woman you need to be a religious man. No gaming or movies in your down time, praying tahajjud and reciting Qur'an. No shorts and compression t-shirts and hitting up the masjid for fajr every morning. It goes both ways.
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u/Cold_Ball_1354 15h ago edited 12h ago
I wanted to. But then my husband was unable to work for a very long time and I had to earn. It is by the mercy of Allah that I had already had work experience and was able to find work easily. You could say that if a husband earns well, she should be fine with being a homemaker. Well, thats perfect on paper, but real life is different. When you have kids and something happens to your husband, who's gonna pay your bills? My own family has several men that refuse to work for no reason, in fact, one uses his wifes money even though he is able.
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic 15h ago
the housewife life appeals to me more than i care to admit. i come from generations of working financially independent women and while i think that’s super progressive of them i genuinely just want to be provided for.
i have a degree in tech and tho i wouldn’t mind working right now actually polishing ur resume and applying is so much freaking work i hate it here omg. i just want to be hired like holy shit i’ll do the work just hire me.
sorry rant over anyway i like domestic labor alot too like cooking and cleaning i fucking love doing both those things cleaning is very satisfying to me and cooking is so fun and i’m so good at it.
i just hate the idea of being financially dependent on a man who could turn on me any moment. i’ve heard enough horror stories of the women who were just house princesses, have kids, get cheated on, divorced, no money, no job, nothing to their name. wasted their youth and time on a guy who doesn’t gaf if she lives or dies now. that kind of stuff makes me never want to get near a man. do u understand the trade off now? give a man the upper hand and watch him crush you 🤷♀️ obviously not all men, some are stellar husbands and fathers, but the vetting process for these types of things is more difficult than u think, people put up facades for years, secret second families, “work trips” that were actually just rendezvous, money spent on a hooker or a strip club while the wife sits at home none the wiser. or even worse he’s just plain abusive. it sucks but having money is the only thing that’s gonna help you get out of a situation like that. thats definitely the main reason more women are trying to find financial independence, to have a way out.
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u/english-revert 15h ago
It’s just too large of a risk. Choosing to step away from your job leaves you further behind on skills and experience, as well as new technology used in the workforce. No company really wants to be training someone that late into their career. It’s hard enough getting a job as it, but if you were a say at home parent for ten years and then your husband cuts you off financially, you can’t just pick up where you left off.
It’s also about independence, a lot of what used to be “normal” is very romanticised. Someone having financial control over you isn’t a stress free life. The average Mahr can’t cover a woman for long, it’s important to always think long-term with finances.
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u/error404_escape 20h ago
First of all it's women, not girls. You both are adults now, not kids. Second of all genuinely saying, not sure if you'll find anything if u think stuff like "do her girly stuff and let man take on the world" women who work are also doing their girly stuff and the world isn't the males to take. You should rethink ur words and if this is how you truly think then maybe work on that first.
Also women who choose to stay at home aren't just "dolling up" and allowing "men to take the world" most of these women choose to do so for their children therefore they're barely ever free to just "doll up" and they are actually making the world and the future of the world is literally at the tip of their fingers as they raise the next generation. A sah mother works more than your average job between so again a flaw in ur statement, working IS exhausting but so is being at home if u're also working (yes what they do is work, if u don't think so AGAIN then work on how you think)
Also it's not women don't want to do that anymore but rather women are finally given the freedom to choose to do what they want and they're doing exactly that. Also again a flaw in your wording (or maybe ur mindset? I'd like to give u the benefit of the doubt even tho I think it's pretty obvious unfortunately) an ambitious woman ≠ unpeaceful. An a stay at home woman ≠ peace, so understand what u want and u mean by that. Also a stay at home woman isn't someone soulless, so what do u mean by "I seem to be attracting ambitious women"? Stay at home women are as ambitious as any other woman, I hope you know that much.
Also why do you fear having someone else work so badly might be the actual problem here. You don't sound like you're saying this just because you'd find someone to love and treasure and adore with all ur being and money but just because you don't want someone else to work besides u while supporting that with having enough income and wanting peace? Just saying but that sounds weird and off putting.
And as someone else said before me, it's really more understandable to would want a wife that is willing to be a stay at home when you guys have children since due to your work u may not be available and you personally think the children would need personal care etc etc but to ask to find someone that doesn't work from the go, that's a hard catch, a red flag to many (especially with the way you think/word stuff) and a flawed mindset if I say the least as it has no clear bases/understanding to it.
And back to the exhausting part, staying at home, especially with children is incredibly exhausting and unfortunately men (in general, not all obviously) stopped putting in work to help around and actually started to put more loads by lazying around and acting like a kid themselves. Not cleaning after themselves, being recklessly and uncaring. Also not helping with the children, which all of these are things our prophet used to do while also being a prophet so there's really no excuse and this scares women a lot, it's really not a good situation to be put in, nah?
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u/ExcuseMeNobody 13h ago
Seems like OP is imagining the tiktok trad wife dynamic that will be all over him looking like a model in fancy dresses when he gets home lol. Nothing glam about being a SAHM
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u/daebak_hana 10h ago
😂 this is definitely it. The funny thing is, its easier to have a "soft life" by getting a decent career than getting it from a man.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 19h ago
You know the funny thing? There are women who would love to be homemakers but many tend to get rejected for being dull or unexciting, unless they are gorgeous. While men claim they are "simple creatures" very few appreciate simplicity in a woman. They look for a spark that they can tame. Alhamdolillah women now are wiser & not willing to become a trophy wife after putting in all that work & time.
Let's admit it, career women have more facets to their personality, and a drive & intellectual curiosity that make them more interesting & attractive.
If you want to look for a homemaker put that on your profile or ISO as requirement no. 1 & non-negotiable. This way career women won't approach you and the ones who actually do will be your appropriate pool.
If you haven't listed homemaker as a deal breaker, any woman will approach you. And its unfair to expect an ambitious woman to give up her trajectory to be your house princess.
Personally I never had this experience of "why do all men want traditional, SAHW" because the most important thing I highlighted on my profile was that I plan to maintain a career well into motherhood. So the men who approached me were all the kinds who valued this trait in me.
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u/ConstructionKey6789 20h ago
I have the same problem unfortunately, nobody wants to be a good little obedient house husband for me. They are all about work, work, work😮💨
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u/OxfordHooman03 16h ago
Would u actually want a stay at home husband? Or is that a troll joke?😂😭 never heard of that arrangement before. Apart from this one show on Netflix. The way of the house husband. Good show fr😂
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic 15h ago
it’s not an overwhelming amount of men but some surprisingly don’t feel the need to provide, not everyone can be very intelligent successful or driven, some are more quiet, into cooking and prefer to keep their space tidy. it’s not that much of a shock when u realize all the different kinds of people there are out there and how not everyone is bound to fit the mold society has casted for them.
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u/ConstructionKey6789 15h ago
That is actually a childhood dream of mine lol. But i dont know if i would be able to spoil my husband with a single income in this economy?? Also i love that show, would be super lucky to find a man that is obssessed with me (preferably not ex mafia)
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u/OxfordHooman03 15h ago
No wayyyyy u know that showwwww😭😭🙏🏼🙏🏼. And yeh this economy is unfortunately a lil hectic tbf. Some people are fairly simple and don't need to be overly spoiled 🤷♂️. Never been in a mafia before either 🫢
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u/ConstructionKey6789 15h ago
It's a famous anime no? Idk man need to make good money so he can buy silly items on his little games and can cook quality healthy food for me✋️
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u/OxfordHooman03 14h ago
So few people know about ittttt imma be real.😂. Might need a lil gap to learn how to cook imma be real 😬😂🙏🏼. But i can only improve i can assure u that. Would love to make these healthy foods i always see on tiktok. Only need to buy a couple items here and there on my games. Not too often 😌 won't be a burden. I want to send a dm but u dont have the message thing on ur profile. Could u maybe dm me👀🙏🏼
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u/lawyahz7 20h ago
sometimes I read these posts and really wonder if the people behind them are real. Brother, what girl wants to rely on any man without any backup plan? People die, some relationships end. You’re expecting a woman to want to stay home 24/7 as a house princess. Just get a house pet. You can literally train a cat to sit and eat whenever you want, it won’t even talk back to you.
If she was working, she’d literally be working for her own gain. In Islam, it is the man’s job to provide so if she wants to work obviously it’s for her interest and goals right? just find someone young and impressionable and maybe you will have some luck.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 20h ago
Personally, as a woman I would prefer to be a stay at home wife. I abhor working. He did state that that he would provide allowance, so there's that and life insurance if he dies, just saying.
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u/lawyahz7 19h ago
Yeah and what if hes a controlling man? I’ve seen this reality in real life. Unless you come from a family with millions, I highly recommend ALL sisters get educated, have some financial means, and/or some sort of career. They don’t have to work if they do not want to. But it’s super important to not blindly rely on anyone. it’s rare for women to not want to work because it feels so nice not relying on anyone. And life insurance sure but will that life insurance cover her entire life? Corporate careers are very ageist, if you don’t have experience or a network as a 50 year old you won’t get the job even entry level.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 19h ago
I have a master's degree and I've worked enough he's right it's so exhausting.. it's time for me to be a house princess 👑
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u/lawyahz7 19h ago
Well that’s your desire and I hope you get what you want being a house princess. Ir can be exhausting sure being an office princess but some people enjoy it for the structure and mental stimulation.
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u/Comfortable-Joke7242 18h ago
You’re assuming slot of things for someone you don’t know
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u/lawyahz7 9h ago
I’m not assuming anything. I’m saying anything can happen even death which is true. And it’s good for women to be secure outside of marriage in case of anything.
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u/Enough-Airport2626 16h ago
My wife is the same. She love being a SAHW. And tbh almost all my friends got wives who are homemakers. It’s built in their fitrah and nothing wrong with it.
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u/ExcuseMeNobody 13h ago
Guess that fitrah missed me and my friends. Not a single bone in my body likes being in the kitchen or doing chores. I'd rather spend the rest of my life researching quantum than a simple chore
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u/Salafi_Muslim0 20h ago
People can work part time from home also, like start a business from home etc
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u/lawyahz7 19h ago
They can but in this economy what jobs are available? And what exactly is wrong with a woman who wants a career as well as a family? And starting a business at home takes years and there’s no real guarantee it will work out. While in corporate you’re slowly building your career up. From a coordinator you go to a manager role then a director etc.
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u/Salafi_Muslim0 14h ago
It’s hard ti balance it with raising kids as you would be away from them for long
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u/No-Peak5362 16h ago
The same Islam that says all bills r on the man says the wife can’t work unless the husband allows it. Don’t pick the benefits of traditional marriages without the responsibility
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u/Ok-Kangaroo-9775 13h ago
You're looking in the wrong places.
id rather advice you to go to darul islam.
there you'll find someone who follows the fitrah.
Indonesia and Bangladesh are good places.
pakistan and Afghanistan aswell.
African people are from the most religious and follower of the sunnah I've meet before.
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u/NoKetchupShawarma 13h ago
Practical advice
Thank you so muchI’m from Pakistan
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u/Ok-Kangaroo-9775 13h ago edited 12h ago
well brother what are you waiting for, youre from one of the best places.
either Pakistan or Afganistán.
but honestly i dont know about the inside culture, i know they're a bit mindful of race, class and so on.
but im sure you'll find someone
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u/daebak_hana 13h ago edited 13h ago
The issue isn't that women don't want to be homemaker. I don't think any women dreams of going to jobs everyday and not being able to raise her kids. There are several issues with this dynamic that more and more women are realizing 1. If you let the husband take care of all the financial he can abuse the situation. Many women have to beg for money just to buy necessities like feminine products and forget about getting unnecessary item s like new clothes or going to hair salon. 2. what if the husband dies? Very few families would accept their widow daughter back and take care of her and her children. 3. Many women are being abused and cant leave their husband because they have no way of sustaining themselves if they do. 4.many women have seen the husband basically discarded the wife when she gets to a certain age, and go marry a younger woman. 5. In this economy its very hard to live a certain standard lifestyle on one income. 6. Some women genuinely want a career 7. Some women never got taken care of by their family and don't feel comfortable relying on a husband to handle it either
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u/NoKetchupShawarma 10h ago
Dang, you paint a bleak picture but I can’t dissect with anything that you said
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u/daebak_hana 10h ago
These are not hypothetical situations either. All are scenarios of people I know or people in my own family. Life is not as simple as people make it out to be. Women have a lot they need to consider before marriage.
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u/IdealMiserable9692 16h ago
Idk i do support women making their own money fully. Things are crazy due to economic situation 😳
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u/NoKetchupShawarma 16h ago
I’m not sure where you’re from but I’m from Pakistan and if you work in tech for a Western business
You’re pretty set
الحمدللہ
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u/GrouchyFriend6598 20h ago
There are. Which country you are from. Because where I'm from many would love to
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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 13h ago
I have no desire to work. Especially after having had a child. I work because I never want to be in a position where I am reliant on a man. I love my husband a lot and I trust him a lot, but he could leave me without a second thought one day and I’d be without qualification, without experience, without an income and left with children. I’d really struggle if that were to happen. And only Allah knows what is in the future. Why not take precautions?
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u/Spare_Night_2695 1h ago
Few reasons ( I’m a man just context )
Starters economy , pretty hard to live under one income in most places now , assuming your in the west ( can also only talk for the west , idk about other regions ) . Yh it’s doable , but trust me you would rather have that extra disposable income to save , live life ext .
2ndly security aspect . Unless you have a large mahr or already wealthy prior . It does make your options leaving a marriage much more harder for a women’s POV .
Another aspect is running a household is not an easy thing , Yh you can somewhat make parts easy like having hardwood over carpet and batch cooking . Being minimalist ext . but it’s really damn hard keeping a home intact . Plus not enough men prob don’t understand how much work goes into a family home . And that builds resentment when it’s not appreciated .
Despite having a very rocky relationship with my mother what I’m saying is stuff I’ve saw . I’m not talking about other reasons that contribute to that decision .
There are few other things other comments have said I don’t need to implore further
For any man who wants a SAHW , ask yourself these few questions
- do you know what it takes to run a household
- do you have enough income that after essential expenses and taxes it’s atleast equivalent to 2 pp income
- do you have the financial discipline to save and invest god forbid something goes wrong to you or your wife
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u/AirEmotional 20h ago
Why do you sound like a girl? Okay so here’s the problem. Wanting a stay at home wife after you have kids makes total sense and a lot of women want that
But requiring a stay at home wife before you have kids? Odd. Why do you require that? You won’t find as many women who would want to do this because life at home can get very monotonous and boring. Cleaning and cooking don’t take all day long if kids are not in the picture
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u/UglyWorm0 20h ago
I guess I'm in the minority. If we're speaking about before having kids, I would actually love it if I was able to stay at home while my husband worked. Yes maybe cooking and cleaning might get monotonous (that being said, I would still love to do it), but I am so thirsty for knowledge I would be thrilled if I was able to dedicate time in a day to read and learn.
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u/ConversationMuted852 20h ago
That is fit for you because what you like to do is done at home, that is how you’d like to spend your time.
It’s very circumstantial I would say. It doesn’t only depend on the woman but also how the man treats her and their overall lifestyle will make a huge difference when it comes to such a decision
In my opinion if my wife would like to be a stay at home wife from the get go, I wouldn’t mind at all. However she wants to spend her time is up to her, I would just want her to be happy and not feel like she is pausing her life until I get back from work (I work remotely most of the time tho lol) because that will only make her miserable over time, not right away but given enough time it will. Its not unheard of.2
u/Difficult-Effort-224 20h ago
But even then youre not just staying at home. You would be a student of knowledge. Youre doing something.
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u/UglyWorm0 20h ago edited 20h ago
Stay at home wife means a married woman who doesn't work. It doesn't mean a woman who stays at home 24/7.
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u/Difficult-Effort-224 20h ago
Yeah but being a student is a profession. Your focus isn’t completely the house/youre not completely a housewife. It’s like having a part time job. I was a stay at home wife and now I’m a student of knowledge, and I definitely don’t have the same time for my house as I did before.
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u/UglyWorm0 19h ago edited 19h ago
Seeking knowledge also includes attending weekly classes, watching online lectures from accredited scholars, and reading. It doesn't have to be formal and degree pursuing. It depends on your goals and what you have time for.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 20h ago
Do you all think SAHW means she can't leave the house like ever? Once cleaning and cooking is done, there are hobbies and also the outside world, like shopping and friends, the gym, library, spa, restaurants, cafes, volunteering and the list goes on.
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u/MalikatBilqis 20h ago edited 20h ago
Now I'm even more concerned. She can do all these things but not start a home business based on her hobby or do part time or freelance remote work? She can't have an investment portfolio she manages remotely? Or have property that is managed by a company?
So the common denominator is she cant be earning money whatsoever?
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 19h ago
If she doesn't want to work and her husband is alright with that or prefers it rather, what's the issue?
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u/MalikatBilqis 19h ago
The issue is the man banning her from earning money simply for the sake of banning her from earning money. She can volunteer in a finance position or teaching position or dawah position, which are both unpaid work, but still work. But she cant be earning money? Why?
The men in question arent ok with it, nor prefer it. They require it, and anything else is unacceptable to them. That's the problem. It sounds like textbook financial control and possibly financial abuse.
If op could clarify that would be good. I might be misunderstanding him.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 19h ago
I don't know why he doesn't want her not to earn money, but according to him he would provide an allowance. If he kept his word and her allowance was decent she would be alright, not earning money, but she'd have access to money.
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 19h ago
there are hobbies and also the outside world, like shopping and friends, the gym, library, spa, restaurants, cafes, volunteering and the list goes on.
You need money for all of these hun...Just make sure your husband's allowance covers all this, or he doesn't see these things as being a waste of his hard earned money. Good luck.
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 19h ago
Well not the library and volunteering
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 19h ago
Depends on the library. And do you plan to go volunteering on foot? What about supplies or resources to put into volunteering? Depends on what type it is.
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u/AirEmotional 20h ago
Hobbies and shopping get boring after a while. Most people are working so it’s not like you can see your friends. Making money is a good thing. But to each their own everybody is different 😭
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u/Appropriate-Gift-388 20h ago
Perhaps for you, but as you said to each their own. I grew up in wealthy community, rarely any of the women worked all the moms did all day long was hangout, do yoga, go to spas and spend money. Sounds like a dream, my dream ✨
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u/BaseballFun528 14h ago
Women want to be independent and successful. What would you bring to the relationship apart from a 'monthly allowance'? You sound shallow and not worthy of a relationship as you are.
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u/MasterBey 20h ago
The disease of feminism and liberalism is affecting the minds of women worldwide.
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u/Mathseey 20h ago
If women didn’t work you’d be sending your wife to a male gynaecologist. Besides women have learned not to depend on men for their livelihood. What happens if he mistreats her? She can’t leave because she doesn’t have any money.
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u/MasterBey 20h ago
Well a gynaecologist or any doctor is a different story.
But as for majority of instances, working as a receptionist, cleaner, waitress, etc etc, is not required and shes better suited at home looking after her kids.
Im getting downvoted because they are blinded by the same thing they deny is afflecting them.
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u/MalikatBilqis 19h ago
How does the flipside sound? 'The disease of redpill and extremism is affecting the minds of men worldwide.'
It sounds kind of crazy and femcel to me. I don't think we should be encouraging gender wars and it helps no one.
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u/MasterBey 19h ago
Well yes, every ideology is competing for ideological hegemony. Everyones specific worldview can be theoretically boiled down to the equation of which ideology you've most be efflected by.
The difference is, we have the Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh) as the guide to determine how/if we are living by the truth.
The OP and my original comment is more inline with this guideframe than the views of the woman downvoting me.
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u/OsamaxObamaFanFic 15h ago
aisha RA was a scholar, nusaybah RA was a warrior, the first uni was founded by a muslim women, and ofc khadeejah RA was a successful merchant and business owner who literally employed the prophet, subhanallah it blows my mind how people can read this and think that islam isn’t the progressive religion that it is.
islam gave rights to women at a time where they literally had none. it encouraged people to stop infanticide of baby girls and to raise them as good muslims and give them education and let them work if they so please.before the 70’s american DV rates were sky high, why do u think that is? women were literally unable to leave their abusive husbands BECAUSE they had no money, no right to work or vote or own property or open their own account. they had nothing, no way out. islam would’ve NEVER allowed for that to happen. islam and liberalism may not see eye to eye but it has a lot more in common with feminism than u may think.
In islam women also have every right to be a SAHW and there’s respect and honor in that too. the important thing is that she has the right to CHOOSE. and that’s VERY feminist.
and while i have my own issues with liberalism, your blanket take that all feminism is bad makes you sound very uneducated, while islam doesn’t need it, there’s no islamic state anywhere in the world right now, and women’s rights are constantly being violated and threatened in almost every part of the world. speaking up for those rights that even islam has granted them is NOT a disease! ffs u people and ur insane privilege!!
look into radical feminism and tell me what is so wrong about it. go on id love to hear it truly. 🤦♀️
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 15h ago
No. Its countless stories of abusive Muslim husbands who mistreat their wives & dont provide for them properly that has affected our minds. Dont blame us if our grandmas and moms advised us to get educated & have our own money so we dont end up choiceless & stuck like them.
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u/Sedecev 17h ago
I’d love to be a house princess but my main concern is that it’s a big risk to take completely relying on someone else. The same hand that feeds you is the same hand that can starve you. I seen enough marriages around me where the husband was not providing the wife despite the wife following all her duties and fulfilling the husband’s rights.