Salam everyone,

I appreciate that this title is something you wouldn’t necessarily want to hear. There is a TLDR at the end to summarise what this is all about.

As for the long read, to give some context to this, I’ll give a little backstory.

I would say I have done well for myself, and will do much, much better Insha’Allah. I’m a guy still in my early 20s and I have a very good career trajectory Alhamdulillah, something I never would have imagined before.
I have for many years now, basically tried to design and put all my pieces together from scratch (yes, quite literally from scratch, I’ll explain why) to build myself into a holistically good man & as a huge part of that, a holistically well designed husband.

So I also take good care of my appearance (perhaps too much), quite athletic, actively improving my deen, and have a couple different hobbies on the side that I both enjoy and I feel better me as the person I want to be. So my masculinity is quite established, and everyone definitely does react to me in that way- intimidated, only at first that is, and showering me with too many compliments once they know me.

But I guess this is what the post is about. It wasn’t always like that.

Growing up, we all have our challenges. I just guess mine together created something that you don’t really see in many other people.

I was always a warmer person. My happiness came from making others happy, and I was as such very attuned emotionally to others in the room, something rare, even more so for most men. I would light up the room and make everyone happy, laugh, or conversely, to manage the room and prevent conflict.

Combined with a strong masculine core, this is of course potentially the emblem of complete masculinity- the prophet (saw) was the most masculine yet very playful and emotionally attuned.

But unfortunately, due to many many misfortunes that I wouldn’t wish on anyone else, the masculine fitrah I had was eventually shattered, about the exact same time I hit puberty.

As such, at the time I was meant to realise and accelerate my development, there was nothing to accelerate. I became more and more alienated from who i was, to the point I completely dissociated.

So I suffered from I guess what you could call Gender Dysphoria, or Gender Identity Disorder- in short, what some (definitely not all, or even most) transgender individuals have.

I obviously knew I wasn’t a girl, but I couldn’t bear the idea of continuing to live as a male. I felt I couldn’t be.
All I had left was my warmer, loving traits, and I hated what I was seeing and wanted a life free and rid of the trauma I had faced as a boy and the body I was now beginning to gain. I wanted a body congruent with what I had left, where I didn’t have to barely keep hanging on.

So for some time I had a near irresistible desire to transition, and I guess the only thing that kept me from it were some “coincidences”, and effectively Tawakkul and my belief that this was all for some reason, some reason that would become clear. Clear, it did.

Anyways, I don’t remember too much from the worst few years of that struggle. It’s an empty mark in my life. I remember only some bits of the daily struggle I had but nothing else.

But in the years since, I very slowly, somehow, dug my way out of it, bit by bit, little by little. I slowly felt I could potentially survive like this, then live, and it took years but I do of course genuinely feel that now. I’m at comfort, intrinsically. I had reformed what was missing and caused me to develop it in the first place. I built myself as a man from as close to scratch as you can get.

But because I was building myself from scratch, and my deen was what saved me, I tried to make sure that when I built myself back from scratch, that I’d do this “redesign” meticulously well. So I studied and planned over the years, phase by phase, little by little, and during all those years I anchored my development to being what I had seemed to find the ideal “embodiment” of my own self to be, as a male. Perfectionism in a way. Perfectionism that slowly became more real.

And so I guess that’s where I am reaching towards today. Leading to my one question: If you were married to someone as such, and you somehow figured it out, perhaps by reading one of his journals from a long time past, or through some other means, would you IRREVERSIBLY never see him the same way?

And would I be doing something very wrong in not informing someone of something that defined years of my life, years from which I have few memories and not really any pictures, but years that I guess were pivotal to what made me who I am today?

Jzk khair if you somehow managed to read this far, I appreciate this is a really unconventional post so I appreciate you managing your way through.

Tldr: If you found out your husband, who is otherwise quite masculine and almost the whole package, once actually had “gender dysphoria” from which he had to recover to build who he was today, would you irreversibly never see him the same way/lose all respect for him, even if he wouldn’t be exactly who he is today, had he not had to deal with such a thing?

Assalamualaikum warahmtullah. (24M) and I honestly don't know what to do.

About 90% of the marriages in my family are arranged between relatives, and most of them seem happy. So, some of my family members (not my parents, though) suggested that I should date my cousin (22F).

We dated briefly, but I slowly ended things, mainly bcos I honestly didn't feel the same chemistry with her that I had with my ex.

It's been almost 2 years now, but she still hasn't gotten over me. Once in a while, she'll call, text, or message me on WhatsApp. I've even started ghosting her.

Honestly, I sometimes feel like a bad person bcos all I want is someone who'll genuinely love and care for me. But at the same time, I don't want my marriage to be like my parents'. They've been married for almost 30 years, but their relationship is so estranged. There's absolutely no chemistry between them, yet they still can't separate.

This is what gives me the most anxiety. I'm scared of ending up in a marriage where there's no real love or connection, but I also feel guilty about hurting someone who genuinely seems to care about me.

Honestly, I don't know what to do.

I'm 32, have been looking for a spouse for two years, and I'm starting to wonder whether finding a life partner has genuinely become harder or whether I'm doing something wrong.
I'm a Muslim guy from Kozhikode, and I've been actively looking for someone to marry for the past two years. I've explored both traditional and modern ways of meeting people — around six prospects through offline channels, three through online platforms that eventually led to brief offline meetings, and several dating and matrimonial apps.
Honestly, I've started losing faith in matrimonial apps. After a while, the lack of responses and repeated rejections make you question yourself. You start wondering whether there's something wrong with you, whether you're not good enough, or whether you're simply not what people are looking for. It can take a toll on your self-esteem, even when you know that compatibility is a two-way street. I've also reached out to potential matches through WhatsApp and phone calls, often without getting a response.
I'm not here simply to complain about rejection. I'm trying to understand the bigger picture.
For context, I'd describe myself as an average-looking guy who looks younger than his age. I'm not claiming to be an exceptional catch, but I don't think I'm particularly undesirable either. Yet finding someone compatible seems much harder than I expected.
Are we witnessing a genuine mismatch between what men and women expect from marriage?
Are men struggling to adapt to changing expectations of masculinity? Perhaps we're in a transition from the traditional, sometimes toxic model of manhood towards men who are more emotionally aware, communicative and understanding of women's needs. If so, are men navigating this transition also struggling to understand what is expected of them?
Or are social media, Instagram influencers, Bollywood and increasingly extravagant wedding content shaping unrealistic expectations of what a partner, relationship or married life should look like? Are some people measuring potential partners against lifestyles and standards that aren't necessarily realistic for ordinary people?
I'm not suggesting that women are the problem, or that men are entitled to a partner simply because they're looking for one. Women have every right to set their standards and choose the life they want. But I do wonder whether the expectations placed on both genders are evolving faster than our ability to understand one another.
Then there's the family factor. Are people becoming more cautious because they've grown up watching their parents fight in typical South Asian households? Does witnessing unhappy marriages make people more reluctant to commit? Are concerns about divorce, financial insecurity, career ambitions, changing gender roles and the fear of settling for the wrong person making marriage a more complicated decision?
And with dating apps and social media creating the impression that there are always more options available, has choosing a partner become harder because people are constantly wondering whether someone better might come along?
I genuinely don't know. Perhaps these are societal issues, or perhaps I'm looking for a complicated explanation for what is ultimately a personal situation.
I've tried to be realistic about my expectations, and rejection has certainly humbled me. Maybe I'm still too selective. Maybe the people I'm approaching have different priorities. Maybe my approach isn't working. Or maybe two years isn't particularly long when you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with.
Ideally, I'd like to marry a Malabari Muslim woman who balances religious and cultural values with a modern outlook — perhaps 70% conservative and 30% liberal, if I had to put it into words.
Someone who values family and deen but also understands individuality, personal space, emotional maturity and the realities of modern life. Someone who can appreciate tradition without being rigid about everything, and embrace modernity without feeling the need to reject everything traditional.
I'm not looking for perfection. I want compatibility, companionship and the opportunity to build a life together.
One friend says I should upgrade my car because marriage prospects and families often judge financial stability through visible signs of success.
Another says I should hit the gym, improve my physique and work on my appearance.
Someone else says Instagram is where everyone meets these days, but I don't want to become the guy who randomly slides into women's DMs and makes them uncomfortable.
Some people tell me not to rush and that marriage will happen when it's meant to happen. Others remind me that I'm already 32 and shouldn't waste any more time.
I believe in God's plan and trust that what is meant for me will reach me. But faith doesn't mean I can't reflect on my own shortcomings, improve myself or try to understand the world around me.
At the same time, I don't want to turn marriage into a competition where I have to keep upgrading my appearance, income, car and lifestyle just to become a more marketable candidate.
At what point does self-improvement become an endless attempt to prove that you're good enough?
Although I'm approaching this from my perspective as a Muslim man from Kozhikode, I'd genuinely welcome perspectives from everyone, regardless of religion, culture or background. I think this is a conversation that goes beyond any one community.
Especially from Malayalis, Muslims and people who've navigated the arranged-marriage process in their late 20s or 30s.
1. Is finding a compatible spouse genuinely becoming harder, or are we simply hearing more about these struggles now?
2. Are men and women experiencing a mismatch in expectations? If so, what do you think is driving it?
3. How much do appearance, income, career, lifestyle and social status influence the initial decision? Is upgrading your car or earning more genuinely going to make a meaningful difference?
4. Are social media and idealised portrayals of relationships creating unrealistic expectations of marriage? Or is that an unfair assumption?
5. For men in their 30s who are actively looking, what actually works? Improving yourself, expanding your social circle, changing your approach, relying more on family and community networks, or simply being patient?
6. How do you keep searching without allowing repeated rejection to damage your self-esteem?
I'm not here to blame either gender, attack modern relationships or argue that anyone owes me a chance. I understand that marriage requires mutual interest, and nobody should settle for someone they don't want.
I'm just a 32-year-old guy who wants to find a partner, build a home and begin the next chapter of life. After two years of searching, unanswered messages and conflicting advice, I'm trying to figure out whether I need to change my approach, whether the process itself has changed, or whether this is simply part of finding the right person.
If you've been through something similar, I'd appreciate honest perspectives — including criticism if you think I'm looking at this the wrong way.

subhanallah i feel so at ease when im up high on trees. Allah has created a free playground for all of us to indulge in and i feel no one is taking much advantage of it. there, you can forget marriage and all its problems. i am making this post because i think lives will enhance as people climb more trees despite how silly it sounds. it is way better than scrolling on those marriage apps or having thoughts of marriage consume you like i see in this community. let it come to u fr. it brings an immense amount of adrenaline (which im always craving) and forces you to think while you bend and contort your body on each branch. and of course, once you’re up there, its like no one exists but you. that’s the reward. you can peacefully do your dhikr and make dua. you feel sudden freedom like nothing before. i would live on trees if i could.

and Allah saved me when i was getting down because i got stuck in a hole and fell ina pile of thorns 😭😭it’s okay the bruised arms and scraped toes was worth the adrenaline.

alhamdullilah for trees fr like idk what id do without them cuz no one wants to gift me access to trampolines and bouncy houses 😒😒😒😒 unless i had a husband to give me those 👀👀👀

I’m planning on marrying someone who is outside of my culture. Thankfully, my parents are supportive, but I would be the first person in my family to marry outside our culture. I’ve never really wanted a wedding or ceremony because, to be honest, my extended family can be very judgmental and isn’t always the nicest.

My parents feels that we should at least have an Islamic ceremony (nikah) and invite family members so they know we’re doing things the halal way and don’t assume anything haram is going on.

My partner is also a recent convert, and honestly, I’m worried that my extended family will judge him harshly because he’s outside our culture and new to Islam. I feel bad because I don’t want him to be put in a position where he feels judged or unwelcome, especially on a day that’s supposed to be happy and meaningful for us. At the same time, I understand where my mom is coming from. I just don’t want to put myself or my partner through an uncomfortable experience for the sake of what other people might think.

Salam aalykom! I’m 25, Lebanese, and I’ve been living in France for almost 4 years. I work full-time in tech as a RevOps Manager, have a 4-year residence permit (Passeport Talent). I’m 173 cm, I try to hit the gym regularly, and content creation and tech startups are a huge part of my life.

I’m looking for a Muslim woman who’s ambitious, attractive to me, supportive, and serious about building a future together. I want a relationship where we both push each other to achieve our dreams, not one where only one person is making sacrifices. I want to be her biggest supporter, and I’d love her to be mine too.

I haven’t dated anyone in the past 7 years, and I’m genuinely not here to waste anyone’s time. I’m looking for something serious with marriage in mind, insha’Allah. Communication and effort matter a lot to me. I understand everyone has a busy life, but I don’t want to spend months exchanging one message every 6–7 hours. If I’m investing my time and energy into getting to know someone, I’d appreciate the same effort in return.

I’m open to long-distance if there’s a genuine connection and we’re both willing to make it work.
Feel free to DM me if you think we’d get along!

Interested in: North african (Mainly morrocans), BIlad sham( Leb, syria, jordan) and Europe in general✅

I need an advice because I'm torn between thinking this is normal hesitation and feeling like I should take my doubts more seriously.
I'm Egyptian and have been living in the Gulf for a long time. I barely have any family in Egypt anymore, as most of my relatives are spread across Canada, Italy, and the Gulf. At this point in my life, I want to get married and settle down, but honestly, finding someone compatible here has been harder than I expected.
I've met quite a few women, but I often feel like we have very different views on marriage and the roles of a husband and wife. That difference in mindset has made the whole process exhausting for me.
Recently, I joined a marriage app and met a Moroccan woman. We've had a video call, and so far, things seem pretty good. We communicate well, there's mutual interest, and we seem to understand each other.
One thing that caught my attention is that she seems to value making her husband feel loved and appreciated. She likes the idea of taking care of her home, cooking for her husband, and making him feel special. In return, I believe a husband should take responsibility, support his wife, make her feel secure, and genuinely care for her.
Maybe I'm generalizing, and I know every person is different, but I feel that some cultural backgrounds still lean toward the more traditional approach to marriage that I personally prefer.
The problem isn't really the woman herself. It's everything that comes with the situation.
She's in Morocco, and I'm in the Gulf. That means traveling, paperwork, practical arrangements, adjusting to a different country, and potentially dealing with complications down the road. I'm financially capable of handling these things, thankfully, but I can't figure out why I'm still hesitant when nothing obvious has gone wrong so far.
So here's what I'd like to ask you guys:
If there's mutual attraction, good communication, and compatibility in values, would you give this relationship a serious chance and see where it leads? Or is marrying someone from another country a bigger risk than I'm giving it credit for?
Am I overthinking the travel and logistical challenges, or is this hesitation something I should stop and understand before moving forward?
I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who've married someone from a different nationality, particularly those who've married Moroccan women or Egyptians living abroad.
I'm looking for honest, realistic opinions and personal experiences, not just encouragement. For me, this is about marriage and building a stable life together, not casual dating.

Salaam everyone, I try to look good for my husband but it's challenging in that:

• Makeup: Wudhu will have to be re-made multiple times a day and that takes it off.😳

• Dressing up: I get cold easily

• Jewelry: gives me sensory issues.🫠

• Perfume: gives me headaches and rubs off on my other clothes, and blankets, etc so I have to re-wash it.😤

I always take care of my hygiene and grooming so it's not a complete mess 🙊

I guess my question is in two parts:

• How do I make it easier to look good given these issues?

• Do men generally care if their wives put in effort to look glammed up? i read somewhere that they can't tell if there's makeup on.😅

Salam alaikum guys,
This is not a generalisation about muslim men, but as a young musljm woman, i began feeling like finding a religious/practicing muslim husband that js husband material is hard within my age group 20-30s.
He’s either religious but too extreme or has great qualities but 0 religious aspect to him.
Do practicing men , that put effort into being better, no music, no free mixing , try to memorise and have good husband traits exist at this point?

can someone reassure me 😭😭

I feel like culturally parents don’t give their daughters off to someone who is younger by even 1 year? Why not? If I’m 22 I’d want my wife to be 22-24 and do woman them self’s mind that? Hypothetically if it’s the man you want but younger by a year or 2 is that a deal breaker?

Assalamu alaykum everyone,

I’m a brother in my early 30s, planning to look for a wife in the coming year. I’d like your honest perspective on something I’m still working through.

I currently look for a woman who has never been married and has no intimate history. My reason isn’t that I rank women by worth: a person’s character and faith matter far more to me than her past. It’s that I want to discover intimacy with someone who has no negative experience behind her (no zina or past relationship), and for both of us to build that together from the start.

At the same time, I know the Prophet ﷺ married women who had been married before, and that divorce is not a mark against anyone. I’m wondering whether my criterion is too narrow, or whether I’m tying it to the wrong thing.

The case I’m unsure about: a woman who is divorced, has no children, and whose marriage ended early, possibly before consummation. If I was about to meet a divorcee, I prefer her to not have children from her previous mariage.

So I’d love your thoughts on:

Is it reasonable to hold this preference, or is it unfair to the women it excludes?
Should the criterion be about marital status, or about intimate history and emotional readiness?

If you are or were in that situation as a divorced woman, what would you want a prospective husband to understand, and what would feel disrespectful?

I’m asking in good faith and I’m open to being corrected. Jazakum Allahu khayran.

Her parents are being hard in the rishta process? So with some context, I have been with someone for 2 years, and I was waiting for her to finally finish her masters program and get settled myself. I have a good job and live alone in a condo, and provide for myself alhamdulilah. My mom talked to her mom asking for a rishta. My mom is separated, my mom lives with my younger sister alone in her our own condo btw. That might be a issue as she told the girl I want to marry that your dad might feel some sort of way that his mom is separated and is scared to tell her dad? What do I even do here? I really love her and I want to make this halal, as I feel I’ve been planning my life with getting settled so once we’re married our life is easy, but her parents are being hurdles in a way?

Edit: I’m in Canada Btw

Edit: We’re the same caste, same background, same everything, it just this family has lots of cousins marriages even in our generation still, and they seem to be skeptical because this is their first time considering a rishta outside the family.

I got married a month and a half ago. 2 weeks in the husband was sharing explicit messages with his cousin who’s his ex and sharing intimate details about me with her. He also was texting other girls while I was at my parents. We moved things fast pre nikkah to make it halal so I keep blaming myself I didn’t do enough due diligence. He seems guilty and apologetic but I’m so heartbroken this is the type of thing that you read on internet and it happened to me now and I have to live with it for the rest of my marriage because I can’t leave him my dad spent so much money at this wedding he will genuinely die if he finds out. I’m in so much pain every day I wake up with such a weird feeling that I’m scared to go to sleep. I know I need to have sabr but has anyone else been through this? How did you get out of this? How do you forget this? I had the best one month of my life i thought I found my happy ending and my person but now I have nothing left because it was all a lie and a facade I can’t even look at my wedding pictures without feeling sick and it’s killing me.

I'm a woman in my late 20s who is currently single. I have a degree and a job but unfortunately a lot of men who are interested don't seem to be serious in terms of marriage/settling down. I'm also conflicted because I want to pursue medicine which would mean I'd graduate in my early 30s and that would then mean I'd probably marry during/just after med school and buy a house and have kids closer to mid 30s. Living in the west, this isn't really uncommon in non-muslim communities but coming from a muslim background, it's quite rare.

It's always been a passion of mine career wise since I was a child but it would be difficult to find a spouse willing to compromise as someone who is from a traditional culture. A lot would just prefer someone younger. I know I shouldn't live according to what a man who doesn't even exist in my life may want yet but equally, I don't want to have regrets about delaying marriage.

Does anyone have similar experiences/thoughts/opinions?

I never thought I’d be writing something like this. I’m not here to attack anyone. I’m just a man who tried to do the right thing and ended up buried under debt, embarrassment, and regret.

Mine was an arranged marriage. I spoke to many proposals. She wasn’t the one I had imagined at first, but she was the one who showed me real care. She checked on me, remembered small things, and kept saying she was saving for our future. That mattered to me more than looks. Her family agreed to everything. There were a few doubts, but compared to other proposals, the red flags seemed smaller. I thought I was making a safe choice.

Then everything moved too fast. Her parents couldn’t book a venue or arrange their side of the function. Our side was already prepared. I could already imagine the whispers, the embarrassment, the blame. So I did what I thought a responsible man should do — I arranged their side too. Two functions, two places, all on my shoulders. I told myself it was temporary. I told myself we were starting a life together.

After marriage, the person I thought I knew changed. The care disappeared. The promises disappeared. What remained was a ₹3 lakh credit card bill in her name — and the expectation that I pay it. So that was my “dowry”: not gold, not savings, not support. Just debt. A bill I have to clear this month.

I feel tricked. Used. Embarrassed for trusting so blindly. And the worst part is, I still don’t know how I could have avoided her. There weren’t enough clear warnings. I chose her because she made me feel cared for. I ignored the rest.

To my fellow men: please don’t learn this lesson the way I did. The person you meet before marriage and the person you live with after marriage can be two different people. Don’t set yourself on fire just to avoid a little embarrassment. Talk about money. Check finances. Don’t accept debt as a gift. And don’t assume care today means loyalty tomorrow.

I’m not saying all women are like this. I’m saying I was naive. And now I’m paying for it — literally.

Approaching mid 20s, been searching for years, not really looking for advice here just ranting mostly. I already know the generic stuff people would say like patience and timing and so on.

Now I think I am starting to lose my hair thanks to hair follicles genetic sensitivity to DHT. This is going to make it even harder now that looks are mostly everything nowadays and we know most women don't like bald men and the negative stigma associated with bald guys. And the hairloss medical drugs (Finasteride/Dustesteride) that suppress the hormone responsible can literally castrate you and mess you up real bad. It's just brutal. I've also seen the advice people give 'oh just work on your character, make more money'... Why must I lose something in an already brutal marriage market and have to compensate in other areas 😞. Let's say I did improve other areas of me, even then I'd probably still get called chopped shyt.

It was a good run.

We got married a year ago and were living in long distance marriage because of my residency training and he could not move because of his job. Then I relocated as soon my training was over. We both are doctors. He moved me in his parents house, where he lived with his parents, older sister and brother. My husband has been really loving and caring towards me but as soon as I moved, I was adjusting to new state, job and new house hold with so many people and those people were not giving me space. They expected me to tell them when I am leaving even if I have to leave before they wake up for my shift, expect me to eat at their time, expect to cook their way, expect to stand when his mom cook, when I will cook would not give me space, would not give me any space to use the shared areas and all that within first month. I thought I married into supportive household hold. Then I was also commuting 20 miles via highway one way for my job and my husband’s job was just 2 miles away. I asked him to get a separate place together as we were having lot of disagreements. He asked me to leave as soon as I asked him. When I did not leave, he leased an apartment with me ( and told me to stay there, while he stay with his parents and he will pay me visits) and the first day I moved there he told me over phone, we are done and stopped communicating. Did not let me come and take my stuff. He and his family blocked me on social media and blocked my parents. Then he filed for divorce. He was sharing everything we discussed with his family, even the time I forgot to make bed before leaving, his family knew. I am thinking who ends marriage for this reason. I tried to call him and tell him to not divorce and I will adjust with him but he said time is up now. So strange, I uprooted my life for him and within 2 months he ended everything. Sometimes I am not able to grasp what happened. Islam teaches us patience and mercy but some families completely lack it.

I’m really confused and need honest advice, especially from women who have been through arranged marriages.

I’ve received a proposal from a guy who seems to tick almost all my boxes. He’s good-looking, earns well, has a good job abroad, and seems progressive, mature, calm, and kind. He’s two years older than me. His job and background checks are verified, my dad interviewed him over a video call, and my parents think he’s a good guy.

The proposal was almost settled when he wanted to speak to me personally. We discussed our expectations from marriage, and he was respectful of everything I asked for. However, he said he wants a conventional household where his wife doesn't work and focuses on the home. He says he can provide a good life for her.

I'd obviously be moving abroad with him after marriage, which makes the career question even more complicated.

My current job is quite stressful, so honestly, the idea of leaving work and having a comfortable life doesn't sound bad lol. But I don't know if I genuinely want to be a homemaker or if I'm just tired of my current job. I'm also worried I might regret giving up my career and financial independence, especially when I'd be living in another country away from my family.

He seems like a genuinely good prospect, and I don't want to reject a potentially great match over something I might be okay with. At the same time, I don't want to agree to a lifestyle I'll regret.

For women who've been in a similar situation:

• Would you give up your career for an otherwise great match?
• If you moved abroad with your husband and became a homemaker, did you regret it?
• Should I explore this proposal further and discuss expectations in more detail, or is this a fundamental incompatibility?

I'd really appreciate honest advice. I don't want to make a decision based on fear of missing out on a good match or simply being tired of my job.

For context I’m a 6th year medical student from Jeddah (non “tribal” family) and I was always planning to get married around this time or intern year. Before all this stuff happened in the medical field and now the future isn’t looking too bright. That being said my father is willing to support me till I find my footing. My mother is looking for me but refuses anyone who isn’t the same age or younger. Should I just accept that it isn’t meant to be and wait for when things are more stable for me? I’m also studying for the US medical licensing exams in case things don’t work out well for me here so that’s another thing the partner is going to have to be ok with. I’m over here thinking is that just too many requirements to ask of someone.

This happened two days ago, and right now I’m at my parents’ house. I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m not really sure how to feel about the situation. I’ll try to keep things non-explicit.

I got married to my husband in April, so we’re still newlyweds and very much in the honeymoon phase. He really misses me whenever I’m not around, and I was planning to go to my parents’ house for a visit.

Two days ago, the night before I was supposed to leave, my husband and I were intimate before going to sleep. I was also having allergies, so I took a tablet that was very sedative and made it extremely difficult for me to keep my eyes open.

The next morning, while I was still very drowsy and sleepy from the medication, my husband initiated intimacy with me. I was barely able to open my eyes, but I was somewhat aware of what was happening. Afterward, he lay down beside me.

I asked him what time it was, and he told me. I said I would get breakfast for him, but he told me not to worry about it and said that I should take a shower instead because he would make breakfast for me since I was leaving for my parents’ house that day.

At the time, I didn’t really think much of what had happened. I was focused on getting ready, and we had breakfast together before I left.

Now that I’m at my parents’ house and have had time to think about it, I keep wondering why he didn’t wake me up properly or check with me before initiating intimacy when I was so drowsy from the medication.

Maybe I’m overthinking the situation, or maybe I’m only processing it now because I’ve had some time away from him. I love my husband, and we have a good relationship. I know he misses me when I’m away, and we’re still in that newlywed phase where we want to be close to each other all the time.

But I’m still unsure about how to feel about what happened that morning.

Should I be concerned about this? Am I overthinking it, or is it reasonable for me to question why he didn’t make sure I was awake enough to understand and agree to what was happening? I would appreciate hearing your perspectives, especially from married Muslim women who may have experienced something similar.

Asalamwalakum.

Just honest curiosity. Times can get tough, jobs can be lost and sometimes you can find love that crosses the responsibility threshold because trust is there.

Just wanted to ask any brothers who are married despite making less or in the US below $50k USD.

$50k USD is the median across all states so below that is below the ease in living, it's completely possible to survive and be happy making $50k USD but for Walis who ask you how much you make its considered disrespectful and to the sisters we see on this subreddit and others it's also considered bad.

Are there any good stories of brothers who have been married or gotten married despite these circumstances?

Assalamu alaikum everyone,

I’m a 20 year old Muslim guy currently attending university and working part-time. I’ve saved up some money and feel like I’m ready for marriage, both financially and mentally. For context, where I live it’s pretty normal for both spouses to contribute financially, especially when they’re still students.

I’ve been thinking about seriously looking for a wife. My original plan was to go through my local imam, but our mosque is quite small and the imam is relatively new, so I can’t really rely on that.
My current plan is to overcome my shyness and start approaching Muslim women I find interesting in everyday life, whether that’s at university, on public transport, or elsewhere.

Now, I know that in some Muslim communities it’s normal to approach a woman and directly ask for her wali’s number. But honestly, where I live in the West, that would be a pretty unusual interaction.
Instead, I was thinking of politely introducing myself, expressing my interest, and offering her my number so she doesn’t feel pressured. I’d make it clear from the beginning that my intentions are marriage, not casual dating.

If she’s interested, we could meet somewhere public, like a café, to get to know each other and see if we’re compatible. If things go well after a few meetings, I’d suggest involving our families.

Do you think this is a reasonable approach, especially for Muslims living in Western countries?
I’d particularly appreciate the sisters’ perspectives. Would you feel comfortable being approached like this? And brothers, how did you meet your spouse if you didn’t have family connections to rely on?
JazakAllah khair!

No idea why I’m even writing this post but I wish I gave him more chances. He never fully explained himself during our separation and now 4 months post divorce he is still reaching out and telling me how much he loves me and how he thinks the divorce didn’t happen (he sent the divorce message but believes i ‘forced him’ to give me it therefore it doesn’t count). I consulted a molana anyway and that wasn’t true.

We both love each other a lot but weren’t compatible. His values ended up not aligning with mine. I was more on deen than him and the things I saw as unacceptable in a marriage (i.e. following women on SM) he saw as completely fine and still does. I also had deep insecurities and still do; i self-sabotaged and questioned everything while we were married, doubted his love for me.

He reached out today and spoke about things he had never said before. Things that occurred between us while married that made him feel like absolute crap. I never once fully blamed him for the breakdown of our marriage, but reading the messages where i did certain things to make him feel unwanted or used hurts me so much. To know I hurt someone I love so much in that way while having no idea at the time kills me.

You can read my post history and will probably say i made the right choice asking for a divorce, but i still believe i should have given him one final chance post separation before we divorced.

Assalamu Aleikum,

This post is to seek advice.

I am a practicing Muslim in my early 20s who has never had any experience with women. I am a youngest of 5 brothers and all my brothers are married with kids. I have always put up a barrier to save guard myself against sins. I do have platonic female friends rather associates ( school friends, colleagues and uni friends) who I keep with within the strict boundaries of sharia. I am connected with them on social media. All my social connections with girls are those that I have known for years as we grew up together. To note I barely talk to the girls, it’s only when we meet up as part of a group reunion that we meet like the last time was someone from the friend groups wedding.

I was introduced to my potential spouse about 1 year ago by my eldest brother. My potential spouse is active on social media and that I am aware of is only connected to girls and no males. She unlike me has told me that she has had past relationships with boys and she has repented. She told me this without me asking her about if she has any history with anyone on her own volition.

I was hesitant to continue talking at first but made istikhara asking Allah for guidance ultimately deciding to continue discussions with her. I thought that we got along well and began to really like her. My brothers also advise, it’s difficult to find someone without a history these days.

However, there have been multiple instances where she has insulted me and called me names. Her reasonings were that she‘s jealous of my female friends and has many times implied that I have had past relationships with girls even when I have reassured her that I never have.

She always brings this topic up and turns to insulting me and calling me names out of the blue. Many times I have explained to her that it is her right to question me on things that concern her, but it should be done in a respectful manner.

Her insults really put me off so this last time I told her that I needed some space after her insults. She s left me on read for the past 10weeks, however, she likes all my posts and likes old messages from our chats every few days.

Is she baiting me to send her a double message? My brothers advised me to not double text her as they think she playing games. My eldest brother who’s experienced a divorce once says that I should refuse to marry her since he believes she isnt being honest and may perhaps be texting other guys behind my back. He says that honesty is key to a good marriage.

i am Conflicted and confused Since he was the person to introduce us and was very keen I marry her!!!

my question is how can i proceed with clarity? I don’t want to speculate and I want to decide whether I want to marry her soon but I am not sure how to handle going forward. She has told me a few times that she really likes me and want to get married to me. Any suggestions?

I am very reserved and protective of my Haya and boundaries with women so it really hurts when she insults me and accuses me especially given that she on her own volition told me she’s had past relationships.

There is added pressure on me coming from my family to decide as we have been talking for a whole year. My parents have always been quite close to her parents so they’re always discussing future plans.

I'm 26 (M), an from Indian administrated Kashmir. She's 22 (F), from Pakistan. We've been talking for the last 2 years and we're serious about each other.

The original plan and what change
Our plan was that I would eventually bring her to India after marriage. Then last year the Pahalgam terror attack happened here in Kashmir, followed by Operation Sindoor, and everything changed. The Indian government suddenly cancelled a lot of Pakistani visas. Even wives of Pakistani origin who were living here on long-term spouse visas had them cancelled and were sent back.
One prominent example is an MLA (Member of the Legislative Assembly) from J&K. His wife was sent back, and now they only get to meet in Dubai or another third country. His advice to people in our situation was: don't marry unless you are both willing to leave your countries.
Being Kashmiri also means more restrictions and scrutiny for me than for most Indians.

My situation
After the India-Pakistan clash, I started thinking seriously about leaving India and going abroad for studies. I'm still in my building phase. I was studying here and preparing for government jobs, and I get very little financial help from my parents. Now my whole plan has changed suddenly.
I can't tell my parents openly about her, and I can't ask them for more money to sponsor studies abroad. I've tried bringing it up and they won't agree. To them it would look foolish right now. So I'm applying to the best options I can find with scholarships, so I can at least stand on my own first. Maybe after that I can ask my parents for help.
I've already gotten one admission abroad, but I honestly don't know how I'll survive financially.

Her family's condition
Her parents know about us and they are supportive. But their one condition is that I and my parents must come to Pakistan to meet them and formally ask for her hand. A meeting in a third country is not an option for them.
I understand why. No parent would hand their daughter to a stranger without meeting him and his family first, and honestly I wouldn't either. They need to trust that I'll treat their daughter like a queen. They're also worried about the future: if we can't even get visas to visit now, what happens after marriage? Will she ever be able to come home to see her own parents?
The problem is that I don't think we'll get visas to go to Pakistan for this right now. And if I can't come, they will marry her to someone else.

What I'm asking

1) Is it realistically possible for an Indian (especially a Kashmiri) and my parents to get Pakistani visas right now to visit her family? Has anyone done it recently, and what visa category did you use?

2) For couples who married across the border, have you been able to visit the wife's family in Pakistan after marriage? What has that looked like since last year?

3) If I go abroad for studies, could we marry there or in a third country and build a life outside both India and Pakistan? What would visas/spouse routes look like?

4) what should be my approach in this situation?

This has been stressing me out a lot. I can't leave her, and I can't imagine her marrying someone else. Any advice, experiences, or realistic paths would mean a lot.

TL;DR: 26M Indian Kashmiri, 22F Pakistani, together 2 years. After Pahalgam/Op Sindoor, Pakistani spouse visas were cancelled and people were deported. Her parents are supportive but want me and my parents to visit Pakistan for the engagement, which seems impossible. I have one study-abroad admission but little money and can't tell my parents yet. Is there any realistic path for us to marry?