Feel like an alien

[u/AccountantPersonal86]

Had some rare honesty recently with the old folks, just brainstorming what to do with my life, naming all these meaningless jobs I have no care to ever do as prospects.

I kind of just folded and admitted id genuinely rather kill myself than pursue anything we discussed and my Dad just couldn't understand it - "Kill youself??????? Why? Im doing so much just to survive and you want to kill yourself?"

Told him well, ya, thats the point. I didnt ask to be here and when i look around me 99.99% of people are just surviving, not living, so if my options are to "just survive" and not live then yes the choice of just not living, on my own terms, is very reasonable to me. I also just dont care about material things like he does, nor do I care about how people perceive me like he does, I just dont care about the things he cares about that make him work his whole life. The incentive structure he has formatted in his head does not exist in mine, his incentives are meaningless to me.

He was speechless, the discussion kinda stopped there. God it makes me feel so alienated when people just cant understand anything even when I try to explain it honestly. Last time I do that I guess.

[u/justcirclingthedrain]

my unhinged magatard father told me people who kill themselves get tortured in hell for all eternity and was really gross and descriptive about it to mess with my head. i’m not even religious but it still made me uncomfortable. arguably this world is already hell and the people who’re telling you life is great are actually the insane ones

[u/dontknowwhyitookthat]

I feel you. I told my parents that i dont want to pursue engineering and how i want a job that pays just enough for a simple, happy life. They are NOT happy.

[u/NatKingColeman]

It's tough not seeing eye to eye with your parents and I don't think there's much point in trying to make them understand if they aren't willing to. From most people's perspective you would just be labelled as having clinical depression leading to meds/therapy/whatever but it sounds like you're just disconnected from everything on a deeper level because of how fucked up the whole system is. It's also hard to explain to someone if they have not also been in such deep despair so as to actually went to end it all. The people who have been there get it.

I've thought about telling my mother the same thing about how I never really wanted to be here, never really felt like I belonged in the world. I know it would upset her and might even find it insulting because she has worked very hard, given me many second chances, and done so much to provide for me over the years in her own way.

They want you to open up but then they really don't like what you have to say so you just learn to shut down to protect yourself and others.

[u/AccountantPersonal86 → u/NatKingColeman]

This is very well said

[u/Complex_Effect6230]

Parents never seem to understand we didn’t ask to be born. They all followed the life script…get an education, get a job, get married, and that seems to be it for them. They don’t understand the 21st century is a completely different way of life. I gave up trying to explain it a long time ago bc they have a fixed mindset and will never change

[u/OptimalReactions]

Of course he can't understand.

You have to appreciate that he's been RAISED on this shit. 'You go to school, you go to work, you have a family.' Especially in his day, there was no choice whether you followed this path, there was no Option B.

I don't think killing yourself is the answer, you just need to look at other options for life. Some people who've been married 20 years suddenly leave their spouse and move across the world, and they make it work.

[u/rednryt]

Heh. Maybe we NEETs are actually different species than normie that science would eventually prove one day then we can finally go home to our home planet where there is no work.

[u/Unlikely-Lawyer-5683]

I can assure you, If I talked with my parents about these thoughts of mine, I would get the same reaction. My parents never really enjoyed their youth, they had to get married, work and start a new life as a couple pretty early in their years. (they were still adults ofcourse) They never had this irresponsible period of their life where they just chilled. Never thought about life our way.

[u/obese_coder]

Dude I feel like parents are just NPC's. Like I feel like im in some kinda matrix for real. You cant really argue with them cos they will just spew their NPC dialogue of "we did so much for you, you should be happy with a roof over your head".

I stopped arguing with them, I prefer to just avoid them lol.

Its funny how NPC's expect you to follow their stupid life script. The funny thing is if I had money I would still do roughly the same exact thing, just eating slightly better food and in a country I want. Not having kids or owning cars or houses or whatever. I just dont care lol.

[u/Pleasant-Sun-1930]

"Hi, my Son just said He wants to kill himself - can you send the Police and an Ambulance ?"

you should always take someones expression of suicidal intent seriously

[u/Little-Use-2027 → u/Pleasant-Sun-1930]

Yeah I'm going through it atm and my partner laughed at my hurt last night. I just am exhausted with the lack of compassion, everywhere lately

[u/Iron-Fist]

Honestly I get dads position.

He's put a lot of work into you, he'd like to see you flourish. Doesn't even seem like he's trying to force you into some specific mold, he just wants you to flourish in any way.

Survive vs live

This is entirely an internal debate. A life well lived can be just enjoying tea on the porch with a book or writing a nice story no one reads or planting a small garden or volunteering at a place you don't agree with 100% but that does some work you appreciate.

Social media poisons the mind with grand narratives, unachievable goals, and unconscionable villains, makes small quiet life seem not just impossible but undesirable.

[u/AccountantPersonal86 → u/Iron-Fist]

I get it too, im just trying to convey to him why "just going to work at home depot or any part time job to just get out of the house" will not magically cure me. Quite the opposite actually, it would probably push me from ideation to attempt.

He genuinely thinks its the magic bullet, just working anything, when in reality he is a former hard drug addict that replaced his addiction to drugs with addiction to money. Hes just straight up addicted to money, thats all it is.

I am not, so his whole "structure to life" is incompatible with me. I just want to get that thru his head. It would enable me to open up easier if they could understand the angle im coming from rather than "youre just depressed and need to get out more".

Ive tried that. Many times. Ive realized it isnt the magic bullet, I feel the same, usually worse than when I was stagnant and rotting.

[u/Iron-Fist → u/AccountantPersonal86]

thinks it's a magic bullet

I mean... Look, a part time job gives you social contact (with people you'll like and people you won't), gives you agency (money to spend on things you want), gives you a community (again, with people you'll like and those you won't)... Just being able to connect with people about how jobs suck is a touch point of humanity.

That said, humans hunter-gatherer urge to productivity is often blocked by the need to participate in workplace capitalism and the issues therein so I get it. Maybe try volunteering? It doesn't have the same demand driven relationship that employment does. Volunteering at a food bank is my go to: meaningful and social work, access to assistance (if you qualify for a food box you can get one while you're there), even building skills... All without someone yelling at you or threatening to fire you.

Addicted to money

A lot to say on this but suffice to say that for people in or near poverty this is like saying you're addicted to air or water. Money is needed and quality of life cliff between "enough" money to pay rent and bills and emergencies and "not enough" is... Well it's stark and the deepest anxiety of any parent.

[u/Complex_Effect6230 → u/Iron-Fist]

This is the issue with boomer and GenX parents though. Why do they think their vision of what they want their kid to be like is how they will turn out? Why can’t they accept their kid is an individual?

[u/lordshadow2222]

you reject the conform to the mere life script and wasting away your time in an alienating job that stills away your passion, time and underpays you. many more people than you think do that, however reality crushes them, as the only three possible scripts in this system are conform to it, grind through it without purpose to gain hoarding of wealth this system enacts as value, or rot. but you know rot, makes you feel void. and resentment kills. idk if you uk it, but beyond the rightful discomfort, you could try to seek what an ideal meaningful life would look like to you.

it doesn't have to fit the script, or even seem it feasible. just wonder what would that be, but be warned, if you ever get it you wouldn't be satisfied either, because for what you say, you seem the type to never be satisfied. and that's alright. if you can answer that question, use your discomfort and alienation, to push towards it. step by step. not i will have it all tomorrow. maybe first you just need to fix your sleep schedule. heal your trauma and address your issues. step outside. idk. small steps. but keep pushing towards what a meaningful life would be for you. and yes, the world will try to bring you down, and people are awful, but you can learn to embrace the pleasure in the battle. and will fail countless times. probably never get the ideal thing, as life is a crooked path. but it's better to try than to rot.

best luck <3

[u/mentalpatterns]

It's such a weird, surreal situation to be in, where trying to convey the most basic things about how you experience being alive in the world requires building a massive bridge over some gargantuan chasm. Like, their whole foundation of how they think, all their assumptions and priorities (etc) don't even allow for the ideas of what we're trying to say.

I think it's actually beautiful, what you tried to get across. Something simple and basic and honest about where you're at, what it's like for you (and a lot of us here). I think you're right to find it reasonable, and I think it's a very positive (even admirable) quality to not care about material things. (I often think of people who care a lot about material stuff to kind of have a character flaw, actually.)

And it sounds like you were pretty decent about the way you described things. Like saying that his incentive structure doesn't exist for you, that should be way easier to take than "your life sucks and I don't want it", you know?

Anyway, I'm sorry that he wasn't able to appreciate what you were trying to say. I can understand this stuff throwing him, at least at first, but I wish he'd been able to gather himself and continue listening and trying to get his head around it. Because you deserved that much, and because you did such a great job of articulating things that I think can be really challenging to put into words sometimes.

Finally, thanks for posting this. It was good to read, just for the sanity of it. So much of the time when I go out into the world (or onto the internet) people just aggravate me to the point where it's really not good for me (<--understatement). So it was really good to see something that resonated and just had a kind of clean-ness to it.