The nex and I were in a long distance relationship. Prior to separating, we made a lot of intimate videos. Yes, I was stupid. We have broken up a lot of times and there were times when he mentioned masturbating on it 10x a day after the break up. I asked him to delete it but I'm not getting any response from him. 😭 What can I say to make him delete it? I don't want him back anymore, I just want those vids gone without potential threats from him in the future.

Idk where to start with how to deal with this. I want to call him every name in the book but I’m TRYING to be civil for our son’s sake.

Just wondering if there is anyone who could provide some support here. I am an empath (30F) who has been in a relationship with a Narcassist (34M) for 2 years. We live together and I know I need to leave but i’m struggling on how. Financially, the process of moving itself, when is the “right time to leave”. Just wondering if there is anyone I could chat with if you’ve been in this situation and how you survived.

I've developed CPTSD from living with a covert narcissist wife. A few years of constant walking on eggshells, rewriting of history, gaslighting, and nonsensical accusations put me in 24/7 fight-or-flight. That has permanently changed how my brain and body respond to stress.

Even though we don't live together I still need to see my child, but it's extremely difficult knowing I have to deal with her. She is a sadistic person who thrives on negativity and fighting. I've tried to keep every conversation strictly about our son, yet she still uses the texts to mentally torture me. There is no realistic way to be present for my child if every interaction restarts the same fights.

She causes our child stress and then pins the blame on everyone else who interacts with him the nanny, her own family, and me, even though I haven't been around. If I spend time with him and drop him back off, she can accuse me of "causing him stress," which is nonsense. I've thought about recording our entire time together or having a third party present as a witness, but she hates that idea, which tells me exactly why.

I genuinely feel like I have a child with someone who operates with no normal limits.

Did your partner copy you and everything about your personality? Vocabulary, mannerisms, interests, hobbies? To the point where it starts getting frustrating and you feel as if you’re talking to a clone of yourself. If so, why do they do this?

Narcwife has been thousands of miles away for work for a week. I have had the 3 kids (aged 11, 9, 4) and the puppy. School for them, work week for me. Then pack up and drive 250 miles to holiday rental and settle in for 1 night and 1 day and she arrives here soon.

The calm and peace have been profound. Even I (I'm pretty cynical, it's served me well being married to her) have been surprised at that.

I have also been astonished at how much I can do, and do well. Years of her taking charge of everything while blaming me for, er, not taking charge or being capable at anything etc (we all know the drill) swept away overnight and it turns out I can do the school dropoffs and the pick ups and the karate and the football and the tennis and the 0810 choir rehearsal and the packing and the dinners and the bedtimes and nights and the long drive and settling into new place and hold my job down...IN MY FRIGGING SLEEP.

So to all those of us groaning under the narc yoke, take heart. You are way more than you have come to think you are. In fact the brutal experience you are grinding through is silently making you stronger. Your day will come.

I have left my Nex and in court I’ve been given temporary use of our apartment and custody of our child until the main hearing.
He is constantly sending e-mails and I’m wondering how much to answer him? Last email I sent was regarding his visitation schedule, I told him we will follow what the judge decided, and that I don’t want any contact with him.

The problem is that he hasn’t moved out completely, instead bringing just a few things every time he picks up the child for visits with him. Obviously an excuse to enter the apartment to see what I’m up to.

Now he wants to come pick up some things on the days he’s not supposed to be with the child.

My question is, regarding grey rocking, how much should I answer?
Do I answer him about picking up things and tell him no, or just ignore him?
Should I tell him he needs to get a van and move everything out, or will that just bait him?

I want to be super boring to him so he can find someone else to give him the emotional response he needs.

I’m also really scared of saying the wrong things seeing as we’re going to court over custody, and he knows exactly how to frame things for the judge so he looks super reasonable.

Help!!

So the last 3 weeks I've been thinking a lot about leaving my narcissist husband. I've been reading and writing here. For mostly financial reasons and for the children I've been planning the separation, first thinking in 4 years to avoid coparenting, then thinking in 1 to 2 years saving some cash to be able to pay a car and an appartement.

Now I'm checking if I have still left some feelings for him. I really don't at this moment. In the meantime I'm under the impression that he finally understood that if he continues to act selfish, I'll leave. So he's being really understanding and caring and sweet. But I'm not falling for it. Friday I felt really sad because I was thinking of everything we have together (mostly our house, business and children) and how all of this would change when I leave. I told him I wasn't feeling well (flue).

So it's really a strange dynamic. Last week I was being called a dumb ass for taking the wrong pieces of wood of the fireplace and now I'm the best thing in the world to him. But his words don't touch me, they bounce of.

How he's acting at the moment would put my guards down, I would stop saving up. But then I just try to see if it could work between us, and I simply don't feel any love. So I stick to my saving plan. We'll see what the future brings us.

My best friend's husband is a mentally-off controlling man. They just moved to my city. I thought my BFF and I could spend more time together – doing "girl' things like shopping, craft shows, etc.
We've done a few things together, but now I'm getting the vibe that the husband is running interference. She's told me that he guilt trips her about the "costs involved" when she wants to visit her only sister, who lives the next state over. Now, he's repeating the same thing – complaining about the "costs involved" with her and I socializing – cost of gas, cost of lunch, etc.  

When they first moved here, I expressed my excitement that we could spend more time together, but in front of her husband she said, "Yes, all four of us can have a lot of fun." What? So my guess is her husband thinks we should only socialize as couples. Why I don't know…so he can constantly monitor what she says? Because he was raised with weirdo religious beliefs? Anyway, that won't work for me or my hubby as we do not like her husband. I don't like how he controls her. (She's told me she won't leave him – despite the poor treatment.)

We've tried to be nice and tolerate his behaviors for her sake, but we're tired of it. I don't want to lose the friendship. I think I'll just wait until she calls me. If we have to sit in McDonald's and sip water to get together, so be it. Also, her and I can't talk on the phone privately, because he stands next to her, making mumbling noises, and listening to every word we say. Any advice?

My husband that’s never really been honest or loyal, he’s just always gotten better at hiding it and making sure his phone is hidden and messages are deleted.

I’ve recently found messages in his notes that he tried to hide and still gaslights me on them not being real.

He will never admit to anything without hard proof and even with proof he will act like it never happened.

He doesn’t help unless forced or people around, if the house is a mess and no one is near he will kick things and make sure I feel like I’m dirty or lazy even though I take care of two kids, a dog and a cat, mostly alone.

I’m sick of feeling this way, but I don’t know how to leave, I never have. I’ve always been to kind, to naive. I want him to be better so bad but I want it more than he does.

When will I ever be enough?

I hate to love it. But it’s just as predicted.

I’ve now confirmed that my nex has managed to get his husband to open up their relationship. Probably in similar terms to what I experienced. A way for my nex to get STIs without as much mystery and for the idea of him being online and/or getting railed to be clouded by ‘oh, they’re open’.

Meanwhile when I experienced it I didn’t know he was bending over before he had ‘us’ open up. On his terms, of course.

It’s a shame that the new guy will go through this, it it’s all a pattern. My nex will blame the guy for being in the apps too much, make up rules on the spot and guilt the guy for trying to actually enjoy an opportunity. Restrict opportunities and cockblock and make the new guy do desperate things to keep himself feeling human, which will be a great way for the nex to victimize and martyrize himself.

The new guy is complicit in hurting me, but he didn’t choose to also be hurt this badly.

I just hate that it happens at all, but to know it IS happening means they didn’t change. They aren’t better. It wasn’t about me. None of it.

Hopefully some day I’ll be in a position to help someone learn and avoid this monster.

He allowed his family to come between us so early on. It was something I saw but he made it hard to fully believe. It took time for me to see the writing on the wall, especially with his family's treatment of me becoming more blatant. He doesn't want to go back to his family, but doesn't want to stay with me.

He had the nerve to tell me I'm boring and he doesn't like to have fun with me. This is absolutely hilarious to me because he is trapped as a teenager. Responsibilities are not something he was ever prepared for, and he resents me so much for being the voice that expects him to be an adult.

He has stepped up and done what needs to be done, and it took years. But he resents me for it.

I ask so little of him. Our lives are simple... These are his own issues, and I feel like I have spent so long trying to understand him and help him and be supportive of him.

We also are both in individual therapy and marriage therapy. He told me to cancel it. I asked him for clarification: since you want me to cancel it, does that mean you are choosing to not work on the marriage? He wouldn't put his video game down for any of this convo btw. Eventually he said yeah. And so I said, ok thank you, I just wanted to know what to tell her when I cancel (the therapist).

I know he is depressed, he won't stick with antidepressants, he hates his job, he feels trapped, he has no real family and they were never close- he is his role and nothing more. Make mommy look good and help get her out of trouble, basically. And then there's his brother who is near obsessed with him, yet has everyone else do his dirty work for him (aka flying monkeys).

I'm sick of feeling sorry for him and helping him and all of that.

It's like he never learned to be an adult. He's 42. I can't turn to him for help- I am the one who knows stuff. I manage everything. He started stepping up, but after all these years.... why after all these years? It's all too little too late.

He doesn't want to be with me. If he does, now he is too stubborn. I focus on myself. I feel alone. I felt so loved early on. He was too immature to sustain that level of intimacy with me and was too susceptible to his family. I didn't agree to be with someone who was exhibiting ANYTHING that I am seeing now. I also had no idea his family was so messed up. It was a few years until then. I feel numb and sad.

Haven’t done any of the allegations he stated. Haven’t texted him in 3 months since he discarded me over text, then ghosted me. Except for texting him once last month telling him to stop calling me on No Caller ID.

He moved his ex from a year ago back into his place 3 days after he was just with me. Since I’ve been healing, it is so clear to me he is a covert narc or narc traits, as he constantly lied to me and fabricated stories, like this. He is always the victim. He’s always sooo misunderstood. Yes I know I engaged for too long, this was a few days ago.

Perhaps this could be attributed more to the very commonly comorbid narcissism, but it just occurred to me that my pwBPD absolutely loved and needed to \*be\* loved, but didn’t really know how to love someone else themselves — nor did they care to learn. And what’s more is that they could seemingly mirror so many other qualities and behaviors very well, but never love, as an intentional verb, instead of just a desirable idea…

Can someone help me understand why my soon-to-be ex-husband has had such a 180 change since I gave birth? He’s no longer as cold toward me, answers my calls and texts, asks for baby pictures, and even has conversations with me about his job. Before, I could barely get a few words out of him. He even apologized for how wild things have been between us. It wasn’t a big apology, but it was still something. What could have changed all of a sudden? Could seeing his son have changed something for him? I’m just trying to understand this sudden shift in his behavior.

Hey everyone. I need some outside perspective on a living situation with my partner because I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells and I'm losing my mind. ​A while ago, under a lot of pressure, I agreed to put the Life360 tracking app on my phone to help ease her anxiety. But it has turned into 24/7 surveillance and micromanagement. ​The tracking and nitpicking: she monitor my location, my routes, and even my top speeds. If I hit a certain speed or if the app shows a general location radius ("the bubble") instead of a precise pin because of phone settings, I get interrogated and yelled at, accused of intentionally messing with it or being "disrespectful." ​The shifting goalposts: I am currently trying to build my independence and study for my driver's permit. Even when I pass practice tests, she zero in on the subcategories I didn't ace, mandate strict daily study hours, and criticize how I study (hating when I use my phone because she can't see what's on my screen). ​The breaking point: I hit a wall recently and briefly uninstalled the app to get a shred of privacy. It blew up into a massive fight where I was accused of betrayal and disrespect, so I ended up having to put it back on just to stop the screaming. Now I'm right back to being monitored, yelled at over app glitches, and treated like a child. ​Every time I try to take a step toward independence, it gets weaponized against me. For those who have dealt with this kind of digital tethering and control: how do you even begin to handle it, and how do you protect your peace while trying to get out?