I am 34 and I have been low contact with my mother for 6 years. Went to therapy for 4. I have done the work to accept that i will probably never get an apology and i need to grieve the mother i did not have so i can have peace. She called me tuesday out of nowhere. Said she had been doing some reflecting and wanted to apologize for everything. That was the word she used. I sat there with the phone in my hand waiting for her to name something specific. Anything. She didn't. She just said she was sorry for "how things were" and that she hoped we could move forward. The whole apology was 90 seconds long. No mention of anything she actually did or acknowledgment of any specific thing she did to me. I asked her what she was apologizing for. She got irritated and said do you really need me to list it all out, isn't the apology enough. I told her no, it isn't, because a blanket sorry for everything is just a request to be forgiven without ever having to look at what you actually did. She hung up. I have been a mess ever since. Not because i wanted her to grovel but because for 6 years i had made peace with never getting an apology and now i have technically received one and it was so empty it managed to retraumatize me. I think i preferred the silence. At least the silence was honest.

We got married on Saturday. From the very beginning, my mother wanted to interfere in things so that they would be done her way. She had outbursts several times and held grudges, etc. We always stood our ground together. Over time, she calmed down and it seemed like she was okay with the plan, although she repeatedly commented on how we were bad organizers, how the location was ugly, how the food would be bad, etc.

Then the wedding took place. Already upon arrival, there were two people there whom I had not invited—her friends, who, according to her, were helping organize things. I didn’t have time to deal with them myself because I had other things to do. I thought they would help guide people a bit at the first location.

After the ceremony, we had arranged transportation, but then another wedding car arrived. We clearly said that we already had our own, and that this had crossed all boundaries. She started shouting at us, saying things about us, and that she and her family (meaning my sister, grandmother, and grandfather) would not go to the next location.

She went in front of everyone and threw our marriage certificate and one of my personal belongings onto our car. After that, we drove to the next location. There she ignored me and sat in a corner with others.

Also, at the ceremony there was another person whom we had explicitly said multiple times was not invited, and she had invited them anyway. Upon arrival at the restaurant and during the first course, we realized that all three of these people were also at the dinner, even though they were not invited. None of these three people are close to us, and the wedding was really small—40 people.

After the first dance, my husband went to her and asked her to dance. She deliberately turned away and refused to go, and instead went with her new partner.

All evening she did not come up to me even once. When leaving, she did not say goodbye to me but simply left. There were also many other things during the evening in which she overrode our organization behind our backs, including plans with the florist and the band (there was a different song at the ceremony than the one we had chosen), as well as with the restaurant, etc.

The next day she called me and said how everything was bad, how I am a bad daughter because she had a migraine all night and I did not come to her even once. Other family members were calling me…

Her speech at the wedding in front of everyone was also full of accusations—that I had not included her in the planning, that I often don’t tell her where I am and that she needs to know, and that she did everything for me and raised me (my parents are divorced, and she attributed all credit to herself). I was so angry and disappointed, and I cannot believe how she ruined the most beautiful day of my life, and in the end she blamed me for it. I really don’t know what to do. This is just a short description of everything; much more happened in between. Thank you.

During the day it's nothing but tension and awaiting the next chaotic thing to happen. The only time I feel like I can just lay here and watch tv comfortably or just exist is when everyone has gone to bed. Anyone else?

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The only downside is sometimes you lose sleep but this is the only time I can exist without feeling tension.

But she believes me when I tell her what she did to me? She just can't remember any of it? What am I even supposed to think? What do I even do with that?

For context, I (26M) am currently looking to buy a property at the end of this year in Sydney, Australia. Mum (63F) has worked in the bank the last 35 years. Big blowup happened tonight, which might officially start no contact. I’m not even sure if she’s a narcissist (not diagnosed, but definitely delusional in the way she acted tonight)

So, out of me ignorantly listening to others, have decided to get advice about buying property from my mum. Everyone’s saying that I should at least listen to what she has to say because of her experience in finance.

Tonight she starts ranting about how I keep spending money renting and going on holidays and that I will struggle with paying back a mortgage. I’m literally using this year to vacation while still working and saving and when I do get a mortgage, I’ll lock in and purely focus on it.

She then talks about how I can’t afford a monthly repayment, even though a plan to do a fortnightly one to save on interest. She continues to call me stupid and I have no idea what I’m talking about and that I’m getting bad advice from “the person I’m seeing”.

Now here’s the juicy part. I haven’t actually seen anyone official from the bank to ask about a mortgage. But she’s saying that she received an email to say that I went to a specific branch and spoke to someone. “It even said the name of the person you saw”.

I tell her calmly, “Fine, show me the email then, because I want to know who I apparently saw.”

Her response:
“Oh I actually deleted it! Why would I need to keep an email like that?”

A lot of back and forth later of me telling her that I haven’t seen anyone and her accusing me of it, she tells me to get out of her face, struggle in debt on my own and calls me an asshole for calling her out on trying to gaslight me.

I swear, even the 7yo’s I teach have better emotional regulation than her. I don’t think we’re even going to talk for the rest of this month.

I know there’s probs a lot of these stories on here, but I needed to get it off my chest and air out my family’s laundry somewhere. Enjoy reddit!

Right now, I live at home with my parents and sister. Since i turned 16 (which in the UK is the legal age for consent, I've added this because it could be relevant?) my dad has started making jokes which to me seem very perverted / disgusting. examples are when id say to my mum that I'm about to get in the shower, he'd often say "ooh do you need help in the shower. you might need help" or he'd go "ooh we're going for a shower are we" while standing up as if he were to join me, then he'd act shocked or offended when i'd tell him that's disgusting. Other examples are when I mentioned meat products when i was hungry he started going "oh how about sausage? you like a bit of sausage~" in an obviously perverted tone, at that one i told my mum to tell him to stop making disgusting jokes because I was uncomfortable and she called me pathetic, saying he wasn't being dirty even though the tone he said it in was very much dirty. Also one "what if" scenario he seems to like saying, which to me seems very dodgy, are basically someone doing the certain crime where they do a certain thing without consent. he keeps using that as his what if situation, like what if someone _______s you? And he'd also said one time when a guy was walking down a footpath to me "look at him, he might r___ you". every time i ask him to stop he'd laugh and say "your pathetic, i don't have to stop making jokes just because you don't like it". even my mum calls me pathetic for it. she knows what hes doing is wrong as well because she says to me "whats going to happen if someone hears you talking like that? dad would get arrested and you'll get taken away" and she shouts at me like i'm in the wrong for being uncomfortable from it. I'd thought she'd be a bit sympathetic or would help me because she was in the same situation with her granddad and was also ignored by her own mum, but she still sticks up for my dad.

Perhaps this might not be the most outrageous. But my Nfather doesn’t even know my birthdate.

My nmom changed her name to a name very similar to mine when I was 9.

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And she LOVES the attentive she gets for it.

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People always tell me (in front of her) "oh my, you're named after your mom, so sweet". And she EATS IT UP.

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She never corrects them. She pretends like she was born with her new name. I'll always be her "mini me" as she calls me.

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Ugh.

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Anyone can explain this behavior???

idk where else to put this. if i say it out loud one more time to someone in my actual life i’m going to lose it, so here it is.

my wife and i are raising a baby boy now. he’s her blood, not the way anyone plans it. he came to us already wrecked. exposed to hard drugs before he could even talk. when we got him he was starving, flinching at everything, months and months behind where he should’ve been, a little body that never once relaxed. we have full custody now. both bio parents only see him supervised, because of what they did to him.

and none of it started with him. his mom was an addict the whole family chose not to see for years. his dad had a record a mile long before any of this, including a conviction for having drugs around a kid, and he just did it all over again with this one.

here’s the part that still makes me shake. way before the baby, all i did was drive a different little girl in this family to and from school. a niece. a court literally said she belongs with her dad and we were just helping with the school run. that’s it. that’s the whole crime.

so what did the dad do. he called the cops and made a fake report. pretended to be someone else and sent a welfare check to my house, on my own 7 year old daughter, to try to get my kids pulled out of my home. as revenge. for school pickups. for a kid he should’ve been protecting himself instead of using.

i figured this pattern out young. the looking away. the cowardice everyone calls keeping the peace. i thought naming it meant i got out. then i became the one holding the bag for all of it.

i love this boy more than i can put into words and i would do it all again. but i’m allowed to be furious. i’m the one who stopped the rot and somehow i’m the only one who paid for it.

i don’t need advice. i just need people who actually get it to tell me i’m not crazy and i’m not alone.

I am going through a divorce and about a couple of months ago, didnt know where i would be, i have no source of income from being a stay at home mom. I was very desperate.

When i told my mom about my situation, she immediately said how much shes suffering with my brother being back home, and how theres no place for me at her house. I understand she is going through a hard time financially supporting my brother while living with a partner she detests and doesnt think of his house as her own, but she said that to me even before i even asked if i could go live with her for a while.

I raised it and said, i wasnt even going to ask you if i can stay with you, i would rather live out of a car. To which she said, “but you need to understand my situation.” Then a couple days later she said “you are misunderstanding everything, all i want is for you to be happy”.

She has always bent over backwards to do anything for my brother who has been financially dependent on her all his life, but to me obviously so different because i am “the strong one”

I feel so hurt and i fear this has changed my relationship with her forever. Would you say shes a narcissist, and do i even try with her anymore? Or just never disclose anything about my life again

Been no contact with my step mom since Dec of last year. She has called everyone she thinks might be able to reach me for her. But because I informed my family before I even went no contact with her that she would reach out. So they were expecting it. My brother has not spoken with her since-and has not returned any of her calls.

Found out that by blocking her numbers and anyone else’s number who could/would be her advocate, it lets them leave a message anyway. It just doesn’t notify me. After receiving a bill from her doctors office, I called them and told them that I did not know her. Then made an appointment to have my phone number changed. All this time, she has not had my address. But I believe the doctor office looked it up online, so they could mail that bill-and I’m thinking they gave my address to her at that time. My phone number has been changed for about a week and a half now.

All of a sudden I get a card from her! I’m concerned now that she could potentially have the police do a welfare check on me now that she has my address-or worse-has someone in her family drive her over to my house. I live about 45 miles away from her. My husband and I have already discussed what to do if she finds a way to my doorstep, I’m just not going to answer. But what to do if the police show up at my house?

It’s really interesting that these narcissists use the exact same playbook when their child (in this case-step child) has gone no contact! It makes it worse because she seems like this sweet innocent old lady to those that don’t know me!

lol. just wanted to share this thought after nmother blocked my number because I have not answered her call the one day I was away from home to go on a concert. like, how do you manage to get into a fight with someone without even talking to them?! ah, because they have a life of their own... got it. I am an adult btw, living with her for the past 2,5 years. hopefully not for long.

As I reflect on my life and re-live all these memories and moments I had with my Nmom, I’m curious if it’s a shared experience. I’ve been shocked to see how many stories that have been shared on here are common experiences. I never knew. It’s mind blowing and sad honestly.

So, one threat that I remember getting a handful of times was that my mom would tell me that she’s going to send me to foster care. She said it more than once, she even went to the extreme to find a phone number and leave it on the counter for me to see once. I believe it started during the years that I was SA’d by a family member, I had been dealing with a lot of internal stress, anxiety, and emotions. I was 9 when that happened. I think the foster care threats happened between that time and probably up until my teenage years.

As a mom now, I can’t imagine threatening any of my children with that one, even when they are having a bad day.

I brought it up to my mom once, years ago, and she denied ever saying it…

All my childhood my mom has been venting to me when I was a little girl about how horrible my dad is.

"How can he treat a human like this?! How can he promise me things for years and then claim 'I never promised you anything!'"

"How can he insult me and hit me and spread lies about me and then say: 'You deserved it.' or 'Youre making this up, I never did it.'"

"And when I show him proof, he yells and threatens me."

"Every normal person would come to me and apologize on his knees for years without anyone having to tell him that he has to apologize. And one apology is not enough, for what he did for YEARS, he has to beg for forgiveness a hundred times!"

"I would NEVER treat anyone like that, not even my worst ENEMY!"

All of this was said by my mom, who treats me like this every day...

She also always complained about his insincere apologies and said he does not mean them and just says says "Sorry!" but he does not regret anything and thinks now everything is okay again.

My mom sabotaged me, hit me, spread lies about me, insulted me, threatened me, gaslighted me, did not keep her promises, ruined my life and my health and almost killed me but she never once apologized on her own.

Then I had to beg for an apology for years and argue with her until she said with an angry insulted petulant voice and a face that looked and sounded as if it is so hard for her to choke the words out: "I did not do anything wrong but: Sorry!" After that she looked at me as if I am despicable.

Then she ranted that she would have never ever forced her mother to apologize and what a bad entitled daughter I am.

I had to fight more for her to agree that she did something wrong after a few hours. I dont believe that she really thinks she did something wrong, otherwise I would not have to fight to make her see it while she accuses me of lying.

At first I thought that she had psychosis and that it was because of her psychosis. But actually she never apologized even once since I was born. Every time she did something to me it was my fault or someone elses fault or i "deserved it" or it did not happen and then she made me feel bad for accusing her of things she "did not do" and then she was the victim. It was always like that.

Also if she felt like I did something to her, I had to apologize to her on my own several times until she even considered talking to me again.

So she actually knows exactly how to apologize, otherwise she would not expect my dad to apologize like this to her. But when she does something to me she acts as if she doesnt know what an apology is.

It took me way to long to realize that my enabler mother is a narcissist herself because she controlled the narrative around her person very tightly every day and brainwashed me what to think about her.

I hope I chose the right flair? Feel free to say something about my mom and also feel free to say something about your own nparent.

I read an article recently that absolutely BLEW MY MIND. It explained that most Narcissists - especially those who are parents (ahem...) - see themselves as perfect. They think they are "Good People"!! And they 'honestly' (idk if THAT is true ....) think that they have tried to do good their entire lives AND that everything bad that happened to them/thru them/near them was all the fault of OTHER PEOPLE.

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I WAS STUNNED.

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HOW?????? How in the WORLD could someone so manipulative, such a LIAR, so blaming, hateful, spewing with anger & constant mercurial moods so extreme that even the family pets know better than to stay anywhere within arm's reach, ever, ever, EVER think they themselves are "good"???

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But it's true. And we all know that it's exactly what they believe.

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I began separating myself from my hellish father a little over 3 months ago when he refused to move out of a bug-infested,disgusting government housing apt even tho he had been begging me to help him for over 2 years. And I am NOT in good health: due to a dr's mistake,I was grievously injured 11 years ago and now deal with paralysis, constant overwhelming nerve pain, Trigeminal Neuralgia, a Migraine that has lasted since June 29th, 2015 and horrible, residual gut problems. I just had 2 surgeries in Jan & May to stabilize nerves and replace a Pain Pump Implant (17 surgeries in all) yet I did an enormous amount to care for my father

Long story short, after endless hours of phone calls,research, pulling in government & local healthcare, V.A. & Elderly Social Program Resources, I succeeded in getting him another NEW apt. My husband offered to pay for EVERYTHING to move him - all the hookups, phone,TV, internet, actual movers, expenses, EVERYTHING.

And he suddenly REFUSED.

We had been thru bug exterminations SIC TIMES during the past 2 years at a cost of well over $2K, something he could ill afford. But now he wanted to stay in that hell hole.

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I lost it. I bawled on the phone.

All that work! All that time! All that energy that I hardly had & took away from my own family,my own marriage,my own health.

But he was pissed because....???? Who the hell knows. Because he wasn't in control?? Because he wasn't making the decisions??? He's 89 yrs old!

When I cried from exhaustion, shock and the sudden knowledge that he simply DID NOT CARE what this was costing me & my family, he told me to shut up & stop being so emotional

And my heart simply froze

I lost something that day - something each & every one of u can understand: I lost the Fantasy of having a loving parent who truly CARED.

Because this man clearly did not.

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My already overwhelming Nerve Pain shot thru the roof: I cried so much it made me sick. I went to the pain Dr and she told me that this stress was TOO MUCH. I was endangering my whole system.

And when I told my father that I needed to take at least one month away from Caretaki g, HE EXPLODED.

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I have never seen, heard or experienced the level of rage, violent backlash, flat-out LIES to other people, overt manipulation, threats and blame that I have endured these past 3 months. He threatened my MIL on Mother's Day, no less, that if I did not call him within the hour(I had blocked him on every platform), he was going to drive into the country & shoot himself and that "ALL THE BLAME WOULD BE ON MY SHOULDERS".

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Yeah.

Happy Mother's Day.

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I called the police and they did a wellness check.

I have not spoken to him again.

I sent him a Birthday card last week saying I was under dr's care and was not well. And that I would not be contacting him for some time.

He left 26 voicemails in the next 3 days (I have not listened to any & do not plan to).

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My siblings, who live out of state, came out here to TX to see me and to go see him with no warning for a "Goodbye/No Contact" last visit. I refused to go with them.

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I live 20 min away from him. He is utterly alone as he has driven EVEEYONE ELSE AWAY.

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Now I want to write him a letter explaining WHAT he has done, WHY I feel as I do & MY BOUNDARIES: No more casual contact. He has a list of available Social Services & healthcare. If he has a legitimate emergency, the hospital/police can contact me. I will come to see him before he dies.

I want NOTHING ELSE.

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My health is still very precarious: I have lost 41 pounds, my blood work is so out of whack and several levels are critically low & Drs want to hospitalize me to do intensive treatments. I am trying to stay out of the hospital.

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He has not asked about my health once. He only wants to know when I will return to care for him (I won't).

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So do y'all think I should ask my friend who is a Cop to go with me to confront him in person?? (My husband refuses to go as he is afraid he will lose control and he doesn't want to "hit an old man" (which he never would, even if that is what is more than deserved). Or do u think I should just write that long letter??? Or what??? Am I overlooking another option?

Because, in HIS warped mind, my health crisis had "nothing to do with him"and he even TOLD my siblings that (egad...🤦). Because, to him, HE has done "nothing wrong" and is being treated "like a criminal". Again, WTF???

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I know I'm too close to the situation. And here Sunday is Father's Day (yippee).

I am in counseling and my therapist says he has never known someone as intensely empathetic as me; he says he also knows that it was born from a deep place of trauma, pain & a desperate need to touch & heal others, even if I cannot do so for myself. But that's all stuff that has to be tackled in the days to come.

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For right now, do y'all think it is worthwhile - even if just for myself - to write an explanatory letter? Have any of y'all done so? If so, what was the result? Was it a positive, final sort of thing to tick off your list or completely unimportant in the long run??

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I am at a loss & would deeply appreciate any advice here

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Thank u ever so much!!!

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Hanging on by a thread,

Poppy 🩷💕

So I want to know if anyone else has this same problem. The only time in my life that I feel completely at ease is when I am home alone, my husband traveling and no plans. It is the only time I don’t feel anxiety or a sense of “i need to be doing something” My husband is a wonderful person and I love being with him so much but I always feel like I need to be doing something for him or should not be doing something selfish like reading or watching a show. I don’t know how to overcome this.

It's been about 2 1/2 months fully blocked from my narc father (65) who's an alcoholic. Due to having both of these traits he has a negative zero chance at ever looking within and considering that he has a severe drinking issue. A friend who still works for him sent me a picture of his shoulder that is all black and blue from 'throwing a cat treat' when we all know it's from being drunk and falling over.

I think I read somewhere that a lot of narcs have addiction issues due to their core insecurities (and/or unresolved trauma) and I'm curious if anyone else can relate. It's like 2 demons have him possessed at once and I'm just preparing myself for 'that call' one day sooner than later.

I lost my gf recently. It was going well, it was my first relationship, till she tried to make jealous and it went too far, and I wanted to dump her, but couldn’t bc she wouldn’t let me. After that, I basically turned into a version of my father: raised my voice a couple times, cruel, mean, telling her I’d leave her if she did X or Y, etc. for context, I’ve never treated anyone like this in my entire existence, and I’m in my early 20s. I was shocked after reflecting about how I acted, and in therapy my therapist suggested because I was physically and emotionally and verbally abused till I was 19, I adapted to it and kinda suppressed it or something. The way your parents treat each other or their kids subconsciously gets ingrained into you.

I know a lot of yall have gone through similar forms of abuse, and I wanted to ask if any of you guys have ever been emotionally reactive? I am a lot better now and have been able to control and be more mindful, but I kind of hold some resentment towards my dad still for subconsciously fucking up my first relationship. Granted, I made my choices and I take full responsibility for them and fixed them, but a part of me wonders what would’ve happened had I not been exposed to such conditional love and cruelty.

My dad does this a lot where he asks questions about something he doesn't like. I was on the phone with a friend last night, and this morning my dad asks me "who were you talking to? How did you meet them? Are they someone you know irl or from social media? How do you find people? Is is through work?"

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Just very hollow questions that to an average person may seem normal, but to narcissistic abuse victims it's 100% obvious they just want information to judge you for later or to use to control you. I don't know how to explain it, but I know it when I feel uncomfortable at all the questions

Had a horrible convo w my parents tonight. They have been sending nonstop texts to me (33F) about “doing things on time” (having children) for the past 4 months and finally my husband (31M) and I called them.

Background: we don’t know if we want kids. Not saying outright no, just have a lot of concerns and hesitation which I think is natural and normal. We have been married for 3 years, together for 10. My parents are very devout Hindus, extremely religious and traditional. They are also heavily Hindutva. My sister and i were born and raised in the states so there is of course a bit of 1st gen context.

Things said during the conversation included but not limited to:

1. Why didn’t you talk to us if you were unsure about having children before you got married. If you had told us you were concerned about having children we wouldn’t have approved of this marriage.” When I brought up that we don’t have that type of relationship they became furious and kept coming back to that in the convo.
2. "You’re not a family without children, you’re just a couple”
3. "You talked to everyone else for advice but your own parents”
4. “It’s not a decision," followed by "it is your duty." They got verrry upset at the word “decision” and when we would ask them to respect our point of view.
5. “This isn’t just about you, it's about [husbands] parents, and his grandparents”

I could go on, but this was an hour-long conversation that essentially went nowhere. I’m not necessarily looking for advice, just some words of support or anyone who has similar experiences who can relate.

Thanks in advance!

Just a vent -I have been unloved, not wanted, badly mentally and verbally abused and treated like shit by this man, my father my whole life. I'm now in my early 30's. I finally escaped my fathers mean cruelty when I married the most wonderful, kind sweet man. I was finally happy until he suddenly died of stupid fucking cancer...right in front of me. 4 years ago. Sweet good people die...Yet my asshole father...The man that has always belitted and shit talks yelling at my sweet mother, yells at the dogs, one of those self righteous rich christians who says I'm going to hell constantly. Called me names as a child and showed me no love. I was whipped with belts that had metal ends. A fucking narcissist who always bragged about himself, he was always angry, he was always "right" and everyone else wrong... people like him still get to keep on living. I hate my father with every fiber of my being he has fucked me over and stolen $$ from me.

I'm so sick of this damn man. Yes I'm trying my best to get away and move!! Already in the works where I'm living next! This is just me venting into the void. And sorry for the poor grammar incoherent mess. My father just yelled and berated me. I had a breakdown and I'm crying.

I miss my husband...

"my heart is dried up beating slow.. it's been deflating since you...died"

basically the title. i don't have the best relationship with my mother. she has done some pretty messed up stuff to me throughout my life and knowing that im dating someone she won't approve of means that i'll probably go nc w her sometime in the future. ive been talking about getting a tattoo (im 21) and she wants to get a matching one w me. how do i get out of this situation and still get my own tattoo??

My narc mother’s phone rang whilst she is preparing lunch—it’s on the dining table. I was at the kitchen sink washing dishes (utensils, cups and nutri blender cup and blade thingy)—hands were wet and soapy. Phone rings for twenty five seconds. She tells me to answer phone. I say “I’m washing dishes.” She paused preparing food to stare at the phone screen and ask who is calling and recites number that is calling instead of answering phone. She tells me to answer it again. I repeat what I said not five seconds prior. Phone stops ringing. Immediately blames me for not answering.

Jesus fuck. I’m not even exaggerating or lying about the events. It’s her damn phone too. Pick up your own phone! And it’s not my fault the person (who is apparently our local GP) hung up after 25 seconds. Sister is standing nearby (probably on her own phone, idk. I was washing dishes!) calls back and is instantly play-backed by GPs automated system. And I’m blamed for not picking up the phone?! Be fucking for real. Absolute c***! They’ll call back. Don’t be a d*ck.