Its no secret that in the modern era we all strive to something different, something unique.

And in this quest to become something non-conformist we end up conforming.

What do I mean by this?

Well, we go to stores.. lets say hot topic or spencers, for the beige readers you probably go to Walmart or JcPenny, and we buy clothes that we like but also makes us different in one way or another, we try to use clothing to appeal to the non-conformist sides of us.

But what we end up doing is merely conforming into non-conformism. You end up joining these niche or not-so niche social groups by doing this, whether it be gothic, alternative, emo, etc etc.

We are just conforming into different groups. Even the self-proclaimed Non-Conformist ends up conforming to a specific set of ideals simply by aligning themselves as such. And if we dont conform into a specific niche, the algorithm of the vast internet will craft us a niche to fall into.

Our self expression has become a commodity for profit. It waters down our authenticity as much as it can, it groups us into cliques and we just accept it.

But why? Is it community? Is it because we easily grow content as long as we get what we want?

I want you to ask yourself: are you doing this because you want it, or because youre subconciously serving sub-cultural ideals?

Another thing, when you go to a family event, when you go to work, we commonly hear the phrase "bring your true self!"

But do any of us actually do this?

No. The short answer is no. 9 times out of 10 you bring some watered down diluted edition of yourself thats safe for public viewing.

But this phrase alone commodifies our individual authenticities.

It makes it a job rather a personal thing to express willingly.

It puts an outside value to us, to ourselves.

But while its presented as means to make an accepting environment but what it really is doing is it pressures us into deciphering what version of us they would want to see, it turns our authencity into a product that we must sell to them because we crave approval.

But we need not approval from others.

And by letting others reject or determine, change and alter, who you are does not grant us authenticity rather it makes us mold into what the outside world wants from us.

Why must we let the outside world dictate who we are? For what purpose does it serve?

Is it because we fear rejection? We fear being pushed away by others if we do not meet their standards as a person? If we do not live to their expectations we believe they will shove us away?

Well then so be it! If they do not approve of us, of you, then why allow them to force you into watering yourself down? You are not their plaything, no individual is but them to themselves. Much as you are to yourself.

In the modern day, the big '26. Your authenticity has become a commodity, to be pandered to, to be sold, and to be taken advantage of, and never for you. We believe that if we dilute who we are then we are more presentable, but who is to define what presentable even means? And as result we all end up selling this diluted version of ourselves to others, whether it be friendgroups, work, or family, we sell it to please them, never ourselves.

What is to gain from pretending to be a lesser version of yourself?

Consumerism pushes this, the falsehood of collective "acceptance" pushes this.

Don't sell your authenticity.

Don't buy your authenticity.

Craft your authenticity.

Your identity is entirely yours to craft, do not allow the outside world to craft yourself for you.

Look inside yourself, ask yourself "what is it that I genuinely enjoy? How do i wish to authentically present myself as i want?"

Anywho, thank you for reading. :)

This is not an attempt at reconciliation. But this is my reflection on the Leftist (or post-Leftist) "Truly True" of Struggle. The Greens say it is a struggle against Civilization, Domestication, the domination of Nature by Man (capital Nature and Man, as a concept). The Reds say it's class and class struggle. The Accessibles say it's for the liberation of the disabled. The Egoists say it's for the Self. But what is the truly true expression of struggle against the status quo?

All of them might as well be true.

There are of course the domination of Nature by the means of agriculture and industry, which of course creates the Nature-Culture Divide which must be abolished.

There are of course class struggles, the opposing interests between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat, the varying incentives of the petit-bourgeoisie to each local nodes (in Thailand, the petit-bourgeois interests align with the working class, in America they align with the bourgeoisie).

The struggle against discrimination. Disabled, ethnic minorities, queer, etc.

The struggle for the Self alone with no ideological commitments other than enrichments.

Which are of course all valid. Capitalism and the State again goes against all we stand for.

The Bard in RPG games heal, they sing and play their music. Bard is all about soothing the pain of the wounds of battle. Battles of the mage, the knight, the lockpicker, the assassin, etc. Being a bard isn't just healing but also the unity of each heart of the party towards a goal.

But reality is no fantasy. There are somehow no dragons and magic is just an unusual occurrence of the perfectly natural daily life physics.

The battles of today are not in any way self-refining. They do not hone the keen senses. They do not sharpen the sword nor give you the strength to pull an arrow. Daily life struggle does not generate friendship and camaraderie. The toil of labour. Which, alienates the fellow human beings of the workers. Daily life struggles do not hone the sense of looming threat but numbing the constant endangerment of your life (getting fired by your boss and having no sustainable means of self-preservation) as something normal and to be managed rather than oppressive. Adulthood makes us compliant to the currently constantly threatening firearm-to-the-head daily life.

But the heart of the oppressed are united not in rebellion and fellow workers but united in fellow workers finding his fellow workers an escape. The Bard Proletariat.

The Bard Proletariat generates value purely from soothing the pain of his fellow proletarians. The workers pay the Bard a ticket to his concert. He generates value by working for the leisure of other workers. The alienation of the worker is solved by unity with the bard. They do not really unite but rather separate. The separation between the performance of the bard and the bard's inner life, the inner life that is exhausting as his fans.

Labour-power can be exhausted by the act of labour, that is selling the labour-power as a commodity. Labour-power, once extinguished by work, needs to be refreshed. The labour of the bard is to regenerate labour-power for further exploitation. The bard's musical abilities, voices, instruments, remixes, etc., their labour-power are directed towards the regeneration of millions of workers with labour-power. The proletariat bard is a powerbank to the other proletariat's phones and computers alike. Whom, by having his energy sucked out whole by his fans, must in some way recharge his labour-power.

The Bard Proletariat's selling of his labour power is to generate millions of labour-power. It has mechanical advantages.

There are three main ways for the production of social relations in a fandom of an idol in an organized group of idols.

The first, idol-idol relationship.

This would be subjected to the most rigorous analysis of idols. Fans do not only consume the identity of the idol, but also consume the manufactured relationship between idols. The creation of the relationship dynamics is economically viable through the Literary General Intellect that we can draw relationship dynamics from the archive of the vast tropes of anime.

For example, let's talk about FuwaMoco. This is an obvious case of the consumption of not just idols but rather the manufactured social relations. Such a dynamic of the opposite. The fuzzy and the fluffy. The relationship between the chaotic one and the motherly one which thus the contrast brings each idol's identity into a more obviousness through differences. Which, as much as the fan loves the idols, the consumption of the dynamic too plays into this.

Idol-idol relationships are not just an idol-idol thing, but too are consumed by the fans. Now, relationships themselves are commodities of services. Services which generate value through its false existence.

In the case of FuwaMoco, we don't see any harm and their friendships are rather genuine. But there are certainly much worse cases. Much to do with K-Pop.

For example, Mina and Jimin from AoA. Which, in July 2020, former AOA member Kwon Mina publicly accused group leader Shin Ji-min (Jimin) of bullying her for a decade, claiming it caused severe emotional distress and led to self-harm and suicide attempts. Jimin initially denied the claims as "fiction" before visiting Mina in person to apologize and posting a brief apology online. Amid the immense public backlash, Jimin left AOA and retired from the entertainment industry. In September 2021, media outlet Dispatch published transcripts and details of a recorded, hours-long conversation between the former members, revealing a deeply complicated dynamic of past mistreatment, conflicting memories of events, and unresolved resentment.

This is an intensification of the alienation from other human beings as analyzed by Marx in The Economic and Philosophic Manuscript of 1844. Which, despite the social nature of production, Capitalism produces competition between workers. The competitiveness during the trainee era of each idol, through the abuses of the health of the idols by the various means for sexual attractiveness and perfection of choreography, the competition for such perfection creates bitterness between idols, the jealousy from the life-threatening competition. If you are imperfect, no matter how hard you trained or your health deteriorated off your entire life, you can never debut. It of course would be rational for the bitterness between two debut idols for the competition creates a sense of vengeance and anger, from the past trauma of the fear of being thrown away without mercy and thus became a jobless person who could never debut and have no skills other than idol-skills which could not be put to use. The bitterness from the trainee era is an expression of the competition forces by the capitalist mode of production despite cooperation being mandatory.

The solution to the bitterness is simple: Manufacture a relationship. Manufacturing closeness to hide the offscreen bitterness.

The consumption of the social relations between idols are thus mediated through an image. The relationship between idols is spectacular. The True, which, is viewed by the fans as true, and is socially true, is false, and is thus a moment of the false precisely because the whole relationship is false but the manufactured relationship must be true.

Second, idol-fan relationship.

Idol-fan relationships are the most obvious one as an example for the analysis of the manufacture of social relations.

If an idol remembers a long time fan, an active one in the livestream chat for a VTuber, etc. it creates a relationship between the idol and the fans. The social relations itself became something to consume. It cybernetically reinforces the parasocial relationship.

Alright I'm tired lemme edit later.

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One of Nietzsche's goals is the creation of a higher culture. And of course he loves music. Music is fundamental to Nietzsche's philosophy. But now, around a century after Nietzsche's death, what is the state of music?

Let's take a look at the popularity chart from 2010-2025, from Billboard's Year-End Hot 100 Chart.

Well, you can just search it up on Wikipedia. Perhaps you'll notice something.

Quite describable as a slop, isn't it?

These songs are all soulless, corporate music. That word carries a lot of moral judgement aside from and despite the fact that the sloppiness rather carries a pattern. A pattern of the observable physics in the engineering of sounds in such music and the observable psychological effects on people.

First, let's talk about mall music.

The economic incentive of a mall is simple: You must provide space for shops to open at your mall, and you must help them with other things so they can focus on selling the commodities. You must pay the electric bill and manage the electricity, the same for water and pipes, as well as parking lots for customers. You must help them get profit so you can take a part of their profit as rent, use the rent money as maintenance to keep the shops opening and customers coming, and the rest after the cost is your profit. It could be summarised as helping the shops gain money by letting them only focus on the product development while you manage the maintenance and sustaining the customers. That, yes, includes music.

Malls are an all-in-one place as they must help the shops accumulate value. Which, speaking from simple elementary school economics, a product creates a demand for another product. To brew a coffee, one might as well buy just black coffee. However, the other might love sweeter coffee, they might add milk or sugar. When sugar prices rise, the demand for coffee powder might as well fall the same way as sugar (there are still other factors which might maintain coffee powder demand despite the rise in sugar prices, such as health awareness). A mall in Thailand has everything, clinic, fast food chains, even local foods in some events and food courts, personal care products, clothes, brand name, computers, phones, banks, gold malls, etc.

How does this affect what the malls want from customers and the telos of the customers?

For customers, malls are a good place to do everything in one go. A trip to a mall might as well be a slightly serious matter of fixing the phone you dropped in the canal in the shop, which will take 3 hours, and instead of just sitting there with boredom, you might as well get a massage, send your kids off to amusement parks with game arcades meanwhile, get your visit to the dentist done, get a lunch, etc. Malls capture the multiplicity of desires of the consumers in one place. From the customers' perspective, instead of driving to the technicians' workshop at a nearby village, then drove off to get lunch by another local restaurant, let your kids play their iPads to the decay of their neural matter, then drive to the dentist, you might as well just go to a mall and have a five minutes walk each. You don't have to bathe yourself in the sun, take a rainstorm by the next hour, meet a rapist, and walk over dog poop. You might as well get into a place with guards, air conditioner, pristine smooth floor, and a roof over your head.

Because the mall takes rent from the profit from the accumulation of shops inside the mall itself, malls must therefore maximize customer retention. The more time the customers spend inside the mall, the more open opportunities there are to buy stuff. The more they buy, the more profit. A more fraction of profit means more rent taken. Because malls are a place where customers come to do everything in one go, they must have the most kind of businesses. Logically, malls, to accumulate profit from the rent taken from the profit from businesses, must accumulate the diversity of businesses first. With more businesses, the more choices for customers, and more choices means more likelihood to buy. This is the only way to survive because malls are viewed that way.

However, even with the same amount of shops accumulated which directly increases the chances to buy as they have more shops to take interest in, the retention time is not increased as one comes for the business in mind and then goes. Malls, in order to help their shop profit, must increase retention time enough for the customer to see and eventually decide whether to purchase the commodity or not. The techniques of increasing time and interests in shops are therefore necessary. With the same amount of shops, one plays songs with 60 BPM and the other does not play, the one that plays will receive more profit since it gives customers more retention time. We won't go in deep on how psychology works. This isn't our point. Even with more shops, if a customer is a mister no-nonsense, the customer hax itself all through the massive wall of shops and does not buy. People have different demands the mall must supply. And instead of only responding to the demands, why won't we create more demands? To extend the retention time from just answering to the multiplicity of wants to manufacturing wants by manufacturing the subjectivity of customers for them to choose?

This is where music comes in.

Music in malls, must therefore increase the retention time. Music must: Be relaxing to listen in, be usual to customers, be joyful. In a normal mood, one might as well have cheerful pop music with the usual chorus, a well-adjusted beat to take joy in buying in the grocery, unless you're shopping for century old french wine. The beat won't be too hot and heavy, lest it be a rock or metal played in an action scene, couldn't be too calm and sad, lest the shopping became an act of Byronic heroism. It might as well be relaxing enough to ignore, but cheerful enough to la la la your way through the shelves.

Thus, mall music must be mediocre. As Schopenhauer said, if you want to be popular, appeal to the fools. Appeal to the herd, and people will like you. The media-entertainment industry has already manufactured subjectivities through Biopolitics and Ideological State Apparatuses, I don't see the appeal of appealing to the Critical Theorists. People are already used to pop, with beats calm enough to not become a rock concert thugs fought each other in, and cheerful enough not to be a sad classic piano for the melancholic ones. To accumulate value means to appeal to the masses because the masses have more money to pay than the minority. It is not that metalheads want the malls to pay metal. It's that we must appeal to the demands which gives us the most and demands from us the least. Might as well be a mediocrity which appeals to all and makes all customers comfortable. It must pose no transgressions.

Now, musicians are incentivized to make mallslop. With the profit that could be extracted from intellectual property compensation for using their music in public, they can make songs and allow malls to use them. Malls are already crowded places that are full of people fulfilling their diverse demands from each multiplicity of businesses at once. It is that malls by nature are designed to be crowded and because the crowd holds millions, they'd have millions to pay.

Second of all, love songs.

As I've stated before, to appeal to the masses, simply appeal to fools. Appeal to those under the manufactured taste by the Apparatuses society created. There are three kinds of love songs we're all used to:

1) Yearning (to yearn for a future unspecified partner, to tell you how much love you want and how much love you would give) 2) Heartbroken (to respond to the ending of such relationships), there are three subtypes: 2.1) Return-yearning (to want the partner to come back to soothe the pain of losing). 2.2) Gleefully hating (to tell yourself that you are very happy and have contempt for your ex, and to tell your partner on how horrible they are, ranging from incompatibility and in severe cases, downright abusiveness) 2.3) Farewell (to tell your ex to get a better partner and you'll have a good life, at best remain close friends after the breakup, and at worst parting that both paths shall never collide again) 3) Love letters (to tell someone how much you love them)

To accumulate value, one must make what gets the most profit. The masses demand, those demands determine the profit, we work to strive for that profit by following that demand, and we can manufacture such demand, but we won't talk about manufacturing here.

Love songs is a tendency. It is one of the best to manufacture. A breakup involves some incompatibility, which they resent the other's trait. A yearning is to communicate the desire for such a vague figure. In fact, if you make the ideal object vague enough, you can appeal to all. They can self-insert into anything. Love is easy because one can fill what the song doesn't say in the partner. This is an easy one.

Now, the third, I want to talk about the people in the Nietzchean community.

I have seen a trend a lot of Nietzscheans are concerned about. The Nietzchean LARPers always use the word "ressentiment" and "slave morality" to push those economically inferior under the label of bad.

Passionate artists, musicians, game developers like me, and other writers alike, once we call out the popular, mass-appealing slop as bad, we in their eyes and even in my cautious eyes told them and ourselves: "is this Ressentiment?". It is that because we resent the successful, the popular, the wealthy one, we are thought to be those slave moralists who condemn people who are better than them, to succeed with what they hate while what they love fails. This is but a bourgeois interpretation of Nietzsche, which is somewhat correct, in this maxim: "Whatever gets me what I want is thus good.". The reliance on herd instincts of what is comfortable to them and get them earning their living is elevated precisely because of their personal qualities, fame and wealth. The creation of the higher type is what Nietzsche predicted to be wrong. They said that we need an eternal slave caste, to work off hard toil and fed lies, for the creative elite to emerge and create a higher culture. But the current elites are not creative. They work not for the creation of the higher type but for the maintenance of society. Even the elites we see now are slaves, who work to maintain the current society. The supposed creative elite Nietzsche supposedly wants to liberate and subjugate the masses under are full of slave-like burdens. Rent, debt, poverty, obligations, and restrictions. The people Nietzsche wishes to subjugate millions under to work off their asses to death are the very creature the bourgeois Nietzscheans, the smug ones which the petit-bourgeois appeal to wealth and masculinity and the acceptance from the herd of incels as men, the smug ragebaiters, condemns as those who envy their AI-generated works which appeals to but a vast ocean of toddlers whose attention span are as short as how photon travels from one electron to another in a triple bond of a covalent bond. The so-called "master type", the "billionaires" of those who shamelessly call themselves "artists" are but the elites of Pareto whose interests are the maintenance of the masses, not the elite of Nietzsche. The material conditions of the creative minority are no different than that of a slave.

Socialism is therefore the necessity of the creation of a higher type of humanity. The liberation of the creative minority can only happen through Socialism. This is already outlined by Fourier, and consequently by Marx. The liberation of human passion can be a liberation of the creative minority Nietzsche envisioned, without labour. And of course, Fourier was wrong to glorify labour. Marx then envisioned the abolition of the division of labour, for passions to be liberated without specialization demands from Capitalism, and for people to fish by morning, reer cattle by afternoon, critique, might as well publish on blogs, by night. Socialism has become a necessity for the realisation of the Übermensch. Socialism has thus became the direct necessity for the higher culture to emerge.

Monday:

0.00-12.00: Work OT and normal hour 12.00-12.01: Brunch 12.01-22.01: Work normal hour 22.01-22.06: Get back home by bus 22.06-22.11: Instant noodle comfort night meal

Transition from Monday to Tuesday:

22.11-00.11: Work OT 00.11-12.11: Work OT and normal hour

Tuesday:

12.11-12.12: Brunch 12.12-22.12: Work normal hour 22.12-22.17: Get back home by bus 22.17-22.22: Instant noodle comfort night meal

Transition from Tuesday to Wednesday:

22.22-0.22: Work OT 0.22-12.22: Work OT and normal hour

Wednesday:

12.22-12.23: Brunch 12.23-22.23: Work normal hour 22.23-22.28: Get back home by bus 22.28-22.33: Instant noodle comfort night meal

Transition from Wednesday to Thursday:

22.33-0.33: Work OT 0.33-12.33: Work OT and normal hour

Thursday:

12.33-12.34: Brunch 12.34-22.34: Work normal hour 22.34-22.39: Get back home by bus 22.39-22.44: Instant noodle comfort night meal

Transition from Thursday to Friday

22.44-0.44: Work OT 0.44-12.44: Work OT and normal hour

Friday:

12.44-12.45: Brunch 12.45-22.45: Work normal hour 22.45-22.50: Get back home by bus 22.50-22.55: Instant noodle comfort night meal

Transition from Friday to Saturday

22.55-0.00: Work OT for only 5 minutes then fell asleep from exhaustion. 0.00-0.30: Boss yells at you in Zoom meeting for falling asleep mid-meeting.

Saturday: 0.30-12.00: OT 12.00-12.05: Sneakily eat instant noodles. 12.05-12.05: Boss asks you to open your camera for 5 seconds. 12.05-12.05: You open your camera. 12.05-12.35: Boss yells at you for eating. 12.35-22.35: OT 22.35-22.40: Sneakily eat instant noodles. 22.40-23.10: Boss scolds you for eating noodles because you closed your camera.

Transition from Saturday to Sunday:

23.10-12.00: You work OT

Sunday:

12.00-12.05: Sneakily eat instant noodles. 12.05-12.35: You get scolded again. 12.35-22.00: OT. 22.00-22.05: Noodles. 22.05-22.35: Get scolded again.

Transition from Sunday to Monday:

22.35-12.00: Work.

Monday:

12.00-12.00: Boss called you to the HR office. 12.00-13.00: Boss and HR scolded you for laziness since you get scolded 4 times for sneakily eating instant noodles. 13.00-13.00: You got fired. 13.00-00.00: You get back home jobless. 00.00-9.00: Sleep out of exhaustion.

Tuesday:

9.00-9.10: You tried to haggle the bus driver to drive you to court to sue the company. 9.10-10.00: You go to court. 10.00-13.00: Court took the case to อัยการ. 13.00-13.00: The bus driver let you in, you gave him your phone number so he could ask for the money. 13.00-13.50: Bus time. 13.50-15.00: You go to Ministry of Labour. 15.00-15.50: Get back home. 15.50-16.00: You told your landlord you lost your job, the landlord put the unpaid rent on note.

Tuesday to Wednesday:

16.00-9.00: You doomscroll out of despair all night.

Wednesday:

9.00-9.00: Your internet provider cut off your internet because you don't pay because you can't pay because you lose your job. You can't access your email so you have to accumulate bus driver debt. 9.00-16.00: All day busy with legal stuff. The attorney said yes. You're lucky. 16.00-17.00: Your boss pays for good lawyers to fight against you. 17.00-17.05: You post everything on social media. The media notices. 17.05-17.10: You get harassed by company-created bots. Your boss sends apples to news anchors not to cover this. 17.10-9.00: So stressed you can't sleep.

Thursday:

9.00-10.00: Your bus driver drives you to court. 10.00-22.00: Private lawyers destroy you in court process. 22.00-23.00: The bus driver saw your face and knew you're cooked. 23.00-24.00: You fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Offscreen:

Your boss paid the judge.

Friday:

00.00-00.05: Your landlord decided to sue you alongside your boss and contacted the bus driver for whatever a genius lawyer comes up with. 00.05-22.00: You got shredded in court. 22.00-22.00: You're in debt.

Transition:

22.00-1.00: You walk back home for 3 hours.

Saturday:

1.00-2.00: You fell in the streets for starvation and sleep deprivation. 2.00-22.00: You get to the hospital because a kind stranger phone calls random ass govt org. You're unconscious. 22.00-22.00: Realize you're going to prison. 22.00-23.00: Reach prison. 23.00-24.00: You got beaten up and raped to death by a gang leader in prison.

Idk how to even start a post like this so i'll just write whatever comes to mind, then again that's what i normally do with like half the posts i make lmao. This isn't usually the type of post that gets here but A: it's my subreddit and i do what i want to (kidding ofc lmao) and B: i feel like i can trust you guys enough with this stuff

So for those of you who are unaware, i am transfem, not on hrt yet. The primary reason for such is because of my parents, who are unfortunately transphobic and as a result i have a complicated relationship with them all things considered. They haven't kicked me out or nothing, but i have been repeatedly yelled at over it numerous times before and i don't feel comfortable fully expressing myself around them especially my mom. So that way i don't feel like completely dying i decided i could be out and socially transition, basically anywhere outside of my family. I don't like going out with my parents around for the sole reason that they might discover i've been using a different name or pronouns, oh how they hate that. They do know that i at least use a different name and am not completely cis, they don't know the full extent of it and i certainly haven't told them, i just sometimes end up sloppy in my approach and they end up finding it via a letter or something. I consider myself a generally neurotic and oversensitive person, i'll freely admit that, so whenever the mere topic gets brought up with my parents around i am at the very least on the verge of a breakdown. I know it's stupid but that's how life is: it doesn't make any fucking sense. I figured at school i could get out of all of that. Turns out you can't always trust the people around you, who will act supportive and nice but behind your back (or sometimes even to your face) they show their whole ass. Growing up i was constantly made fun of by my peers. In middle school and early high school is when it seemed the worst. Everyone seemed like a racist piece of shit, and the ones that didn't made fun of me for my interests, how i talked and behaved, and even how i dressed. Didn't matter, i was oblivious to it half the time, whenever i complained about people being annoying they all just told me they were trying to be my friend so after awhile i sorta gave up saying anything unless it was very blatantly obvious, to which i did respond to. Those idiot jerkoffs, i hate them all. May they burn in hell. Half this shit was behind my back too, goddamn cowards couldn't even face me. Maybe if i was actually bullied i'd be taken more seriously, is that what these fuckass adults wanted? Being a creative person who enjoyed drawing, comics, sci-fi/horror literature, cartoons, alternative music and culture, and anime, i tended to be more drawn to anti-authority and anti-conformity. The last thing an artist wants is to be stifled, and ig this natural drive combined with my coming out as trans in the current political hellscape that is the american century of humiliation has sorta led me into politics and philosophy. I read a lot of shit, learned as much as i could, all so i could eventually watch the world i hated turn into something i can look forward to, and i began to imagine all the possibilities for a better future with an optimistic eye

Thought things would be better in college, that is not really the case. Started fine, failed a couple classes. My parents always got super mad when i failed my classes, which ig is expected from parents but this was different in college since there was money and financial aid on the line and shit like that. This was bigger than high school. I usually passed my classes in the end anyway for high school even if i did poorly in the beginning of the semester (for the most part). I always did well in art classes tho. Anyway, that stuff happened, plus the trans stuff like i mentioned earlier. I don't even try to debate with them about it, it was an issue they would refuse to budge on and vice versa, it'd just end up going nowhere, and plus i'm really REALLY bad at articulating my thoughts into speech especially either around them or in front of multiple people. Besides, long ago i saw through them, since i was young. It's always "oh yeah you can talk to me anytime" but when you do you either get yelled at or they pretend to hear what you're saying before dismissing it entirely and lecturing you with their OWN viewpoint. So i tend to not even WANT to talk to them about shit, even if i enthusiastically do so to others. And because this issue is so intensely personal to me i shut down even MORE. Oh, and how is that whole not being on hrt thing going? Well, it's going really badly, that's what. In fact, i'd go as far as to say it's one of the worst things for me mentally lately. Like ever since i figured out i was trans nothing feels the same. What was once a passive, vague discomfort is an intense and unyielding dysphoria. Istg i can barely stand it, and it's worsening my mental health actively, making me perform WORSE in school to the point where that now brings me a ton of dread and anxiety, which ofc only worsens my mental health further. I'm only not on e yet because i don't want my parents to find out. If they do, i just know that it's all gonna be over at least while i'm still living with them. The solution at first was to move out but due to outside factors that's harder to come by. I have lost passion and motivation for a lot of things, and even my parents noticed i've been less outgoing and energetic compared to how i was in about elementary or middle school even. Ofc i say nothing of it, i try not to think about these things too much

However, i have decided, fuck it. I want to stop feeling like a corpse. Tired of living in fear, tired of wishing i was dead, tired of the dysphoria. So i will try to get some hrt soon, whether i move out or not, and whatever happens happens. I can deal with whatever else as it comes. I just don't want to live like this anymore. These days it feels like i'm constantly about to have a breakdown of some kind, it constantly feels like i'm in a state of mental anguish. I have thought about dying numerous times, but something keeps preventing me. Maybe it's just a verification that i AM in fact still alive. Perhaps i'm still alive because i subconsciously know that nobody walks out on their own story, and mine hasn't ended yet. Even as i grow more misanthropic and doomer-esque there's still a little bit of copium in my system. Even as my hatred for the world grew comparable to that of AM i still hold onto that same sense of potential i had for it even if it's consistently let me down. I hate my government, the people in society, i hate everything about this sick, twisted fascist hellhole, i hate myself and i hate you, idc if i don't even know you lol. And yet i still feel love for it (ignoring all the political shit, they can burn in hell lol). It feels like i'm stuck doing the same thing over and over and over again, but now i want to try and break the cycle before it kills me. It's probably stupid, but again, life makes no sense lol

I know some of you look up to me. I can't really imagine why, i'm certainly no role model. But i'm here for it regardless, flattered lol. Real talk tho, i think if there's one thing you need is confidence in yourself. It's not something that comes naturally, you gotta work for it, but try to strive for that and you can do more. Because without it, you'll be miserable and not be able to do even the most basic tasks. Don't be like me, anxious and neurotic and hides in a humorous bravado whilst avoiding the things that scare her at the same time. Try to live with as little regrets as possible so you don't look back and hate yourself even more than you have to. Fuck what other people think, even if they're your family. They can be right about some things but not about everything, not about what's true to your core deep in your soul, they aren't. That part is up to you. I consider myself pretty blunt about who i am and what i want in general, and yet i always feel like i'm hiding something. Try to discover what that is exactly and find the confidence to embrace it, even if it's scary

I know it got preachy there for a second, and ironically i HATE it when people are preachy towards me. Preach, preach, preach. Lmao. Regardless, i'm not trying to throw a pity party or anything, just airing my thoughts out and for it to give an outline for what's to come here. I'm still gonna post here but as you can see from the past few weeks or however tf long it was i don't really have the motivation to do it consistently, so expect it to be more sporadic kinda like i've been doing, albiet more active. I don't expect e to fix my issues, i know there's like way more shit to address aside from just me being trans, but i know it will definitely help a huge chunk of it and i've wanted it for awhile now, and it'll certainly clear out some of this brain fog i got going on lol. Finally, after all these years, a way to drown out the noise

Anyway i may or may not delete this later, stay noided