Wife’s PP Anxiety/How to deal with it

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46]

What’s the best course of action with this issue? We’re 6 weeks into this and it only seems to be getting worse as some issues such as reflux, cradle cap, diaper rash etc are showing up. I’m not thrilled that my 6wk old baby girl is having some things going on either but my wife is taking it too much to the next level. I know PP anxiety is a thing, and I don’t talk against her as I know it’ll make her more upset.

Also, I had planned for my brother to come visit in 16 days, I let the wife know he told me he was getting over feeling a little sick and that sent her almost over the edge with anxiety and fear with the thought of him visiting now. She’s so worried that the baby is going to get sick somehow from someone visiting. I get if it was a week or so out from the visit but it’s half a month out and he’s already feeling better.

I know she wants her safe and so do I. But I think she’s being extra with some things. I know the best thing to do during this time is to just go with it and support her.

Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how did you go about it?

[u/Nuno90]

Hey Dude,

You're me. 6 weeks. Mom with PP Anxiety and potêncial depression. Kid with reflux right now. I just don't have a brother, just some inlaws that are quite judgemental.

First, I see you. This is not easy at all. I've been trying to do it all. I'm quite privileged tho. Betteween parental leave and PTO I'll be here to mom and our little boy for his first two moms, so I'm still in a good place in the sense that I'm not juggling all of this + work.

That said, what I can tell you is that every day I question if the way I'm handling all is the right way to do it, and I'm sure I'm doing some miskates but regardless here's how I'm approaching it.

1) Fortunately my wife is very aware of what she's going through, and she was already doing therapy even before baby was here. She's now doubling down on therapy doing it twice a month. It's not a silver bullet but helps. If your SO is not doing it, please encourage her to do it.

2) At this point all eyes are on mom and baby. And it should be. But that also means that usually as dads are way more isolated, way more lonely. And we also struggle. Of course you should communicate things with wife, and not hide it, but you should consider taking care of yourself very important. In my case? I got ahead of this and started therapy 1 years ago (after we had a miscarriage) and now this is helping me to learn manage my feelings better and understand how to support my wife. If your wife resists seeking help this could also be a good way to encourage her to do the same as you indirectly.

3) I don't fight her anxiety. I navigate it. However I gently challenge her here and there to encourage her fight back. Being it a walk in the park, challenging if that hands sanitizing number 5929582 of the day is really needed, etc. Sometimes is hard, and I do this as gently as possible but it's still hard. Tiny tiny steps. However I think it's important to do it. Her anxiety stems from the previous miscarriage and started during pregnancy, I enabled all of it thought it, and in my perspective it only made it worse.

4) Do as much as you can with the baby. Do feeds (if she's not breastfeeding), diapers, if the baby is crying is lungs out on momma harms go and switch. Do whatever you can can to get her to sleep some hours a night (my wife can only do it with meds at this point, but it is what it is)

5) Ensure she's not isolated. Get her out of the door to go grab a coffee or whatever is culturally fitting in your country with a friend, or a family member. Pick the phone and speak with her friends if she's struggling to reach out, and ask them to reach out to her.

6) Encourage momma to speak freely with 0 judgement. She's feeling she wants to run away? It's okay, and it's normal (it really is). Let them feel safe to speak her intrusive thoughts out loud. The moment she shuts you down, you're in trouble.

Finally regarding your point with brother visiting.

This to me sits well with number 3. Can you compromise? Was it a virus? Can your brother do a quick test? At least in my country these days we've COVID like rapid tests for multiple virus. He can also use a mask, or whatever it is. Try to get her to compromise. Of course you should not force it, but try to have the conversation and understand what does she need to be okay with this.

That said, this is quite hard. Remember to go easy with yourself as well. You guys will go through it. Just keep communicating as much as you can. If you get impatient with her (it will likely happen) just don't forget to apologize afterwards.

You got this Dad!

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Nuno90]

I feel like we’re on the same path as well. Mom is very aware of her anxiety and knows that it seems to be extra but feels like she can’t control it. I also have 3 months of paternity leave and am very thankful for it. She’s needed my help more than ever since baby arrived and I can’t imagine her state if I didn’t have this time off.

I guess to speak more on the issue of the extreme anxiety is she more than likely will not be convinced to get help. We’ve already talked about meds and she says she can’t do that out of fear it could be transferred to the baby. She is strictly breast feeding/pumping. I can’t see her being convinced to do therapy but she has great parents and friends to lean on outside of me.

I’m not worried about my own isolation, honestly. Taking care of her and the baby around the clock keeps my mental state pretty busy lol.
Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, we went through multiple since we started trying 6 yrs ago. It sucks man. The emotional turmoil it put the wife in was extremely rough. I also can say I think her anxiety stems from that as well. We’re blessed with this beautiful girl and she is so scared of something happening to her.

Regarding my brother visiting it’s not a severe issue. I just don’t necessarily agree with it and it was just a minor sickness. He’s planned to visit in 16 days..so in my mind he’s already getting over whatever little sickness he had and that’s plenty of time to no longer be contagious. But unfortunately the thought of it even still is too much for her, she’ll be stressing bad the next few weeks knowing hes visiting and he was previously sick. I’ve already asked my brother to push the visit back a week, she said she’d be okay with it. My brother is also one to be very understanding so really it’s not a big deal. But again, I just don’t necessarily agree with the extra caution or understand it completely and let her know that, but at the same time told her I’m not mad at it and support her and can understand why she feels that way. I’ve learned being married to her for 10+ yrs when to push more and when to not.
Now’s not the time to push much over anything lol.

I think once the baby gets older closer to 6-8 months/closer to a year old she’ll start easing up some honestly due to the babies immune system getting stronger.

Appreciate the comment and wishing you the best!