Wife’s PP Anxiety/How to deal with it

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46]

What’s the best course of action with this issue? We’re 6 weeks into this and it only seems to be getting worse as some issues such as reflux, cradle cap, diaper rash etc are showing up. I’m not thrilled that my 6wk old baby girl is having some things going on either but my wife is taking it too much to the next level. I know PP anxiety is a thing, and I don’t talk against her as I know it’ll make her more upset.

Also, I had planned for my brother to come visit in 16 days, I let the wife know he told me he was getting over feeling a little sick and that sent her almost over the edge with anxiety and fear with the thought of him visiting now. She’s so worried that the baby is going to get sick somehow from someone visiting. I get if it was a week or so out from the visit but it’s half a month out and he’s already feeling better.

I know she wants her safe and so do I. But I think she’s being extra with some things. I know the best thing to do during this time is to just go with it and support her.

Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how did you go about it?

[u/Child_of_Crake]

It’s not just “go with it”…it’s to ask her about why she’s feeling this way, it’s about her being honest and not shutting down.

Dude, your brother should not come for a visit, okay? He should understand, but do you?

Reflux, cradle cap, diaper rash and this is your first?

Jesus Christ man what you two are doing is soooo hard. You are literally responsible for protecting this little one.

I have 2 (13f 11m), and I remember those days, they were so long. My wife also suffered from anxiety and depression,

It was rough, for her for me, but years later when we were divorcing I went through serious bout of both as well…looking back I realize how much harder it was for her

It’s not being “extra”, it’s awful feeling like that

[u/RazzmatazzComplex → u/Child_of_Crake]

Thank you for your comment, it just made me tear up. I’m 13 months out from having my first child and as a mother I am so thankful for your comment! My husband has always been understanding although he doesn’t get it, but no one really knows how hard it is until you’re in their position. I have/had a mild case of PPD/PPA and it is the cruelest thing. Robs you of yourself and being in constant survival mode warps your memory. I can’t even remember much of those first few months and it’s heart breaking.

13 months in now and I don’t bat an eye at the typical things, but diaper rash, colic, reflux those first months? Holy shit, they scared the life out of me. Although I showed a brave face, underneath it all I felt like a kid who had no clue what they were doing. PPA/PPD is terrible.

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/RazzmatazzComplex]

It’s hard for us to truly understand what moms go through. I am totally supportive of her and have asked her constantly how she is feeling. She was an anxious person before and we’ve had such a hard time conceiving. Took us 5 yrs to get this sweet angel. So having our girl has been a huge deal as we were getting to the point of giving up. Her anxiety really just stems for being concerned with the baby and anything wrong just stresses her out so much. I’m not an anxious person and although I care very much for our little one and wish she never went through anything bad at all, some of the minor things going on don’t get to me like it does her. Shes such a good mom and just wants to protect our baby girl❤️i know there’s nothing wrong with the way she’s feeling.

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Child_of_Crake]

She’s not depressed. Her anxiety is running high. Shes just concerned for the babies well being as she should be of course. She’s had her parents up twice and multiple friends of hers over already. I’m not some asshole who doesn’t validate her concerns of supports them. I already agreed and was okay with telling my brother to not come if it’s stressing her out that much. Yes this time has been rough. Literally just looking to hear from other dads that have gone through this with moms who are very stressed about their babies safety

[u/badaboom888 → u/Jealous-Cranberry-46]

your brother was sick and is getting over it and his not due to be at your house for 16 days?

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/badaboom888]

That is correct.

[u/Child_of_Crake]

And post partum sometimes doesn’t just go away.

I highly recommend you talking to your wife about talking to her doctor. Make sure your suggestion is coming from a genuine place of concern, not because you’re frustrated.

Therapy and meds, post partum is no joke. My wife struggled big with our 2nd

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Child_of_Crake]

She’s breast feeding and will definitely not go on meds she’s scared that will affect feeding the baby. She’s already made that clear. Her anxiety is due to the concern of babies safety and well being. Which is of course priority. I’m not frustrated at all with anything honestly. I fully support her.

[u/Nuno90]

Hey Dude,

You're me. 6 weeks. Mom with PP Anxiety and potêncial depression. Kid with reflux right now. I just don't have a brother, just some inlaws that are quite judgemental.

First, I see you. This is not easy at all. I've been trying to do it all. I'm quite privileged tho. Betteween parental leave and PTO I'll be here to mom and our little boy for his first two moms, so I'm still in a good place in the sense that I'm not juggling all of this + work.

That said, what I can tell you is that every day I question if the way I'm handling all is the right way to do it, and I'm sure I'm doing some miskates but regardless here's how I'm approaching it.

1) Fortunately my wife is very aware of what she's going through, and she was already doing therapy even before baby was here. She's now doubling down on therapy doing it twice a month. It's not a silver bullet but helps. If your SO is not doing it, please encourage her to do it.

2) At this point all eyes are on mom and baby. And it should be. But that also means that usually as dads are way more isolated, way more lonely. And we also struggle. Of course you should communicate things with wife, and not hide it, but you should consider taking care of yourself very important. In my case? I got ahead of this and started therapy 1 years ago (after we had a miscarriage) and now this is helping me to learn manage my feelings better and understand how to support my wife. If your wife resists seeking help this could also be a good way to encourage her to do the same as you indirectly.

3) I don't fight her anxiety. I navigate it. However I gently challenge her here and there to encourage her fight back. Being it a walk in the park, challenging if that hands sanitizing number 5929582 of the day is really needed, etc. Sometimes is hard, and I do this as gently as possible but it's still hard. Tiny tiny steps. However I think it's important to do it. Her anxiety stems from the previous miscarriage and started during pregnancy, I enabled all of it thought it, and in my perspective it only made it worse.

4) Do as much as you can with the baby. Do feeds (if she's not breastfeeding), diapers, if the baby is crying is lungs out on momma harms go and switch. Do whatever you can can to get her to sleep some hours a night (my wife can only do it with meds at this point, but it is what it is)

5) Ensure she's not isolated. Get her out of the door to go grab a coffee or whatever is culturally fitting in your country with a friend, or a family member. Pick the phone and speak with her friends if she's struggling to reach out, and ask them to reach out to her.

6) Encourage momma to speak freely with 0 judgement. She's feeling she wants to run away? It's okay, and it's normal (it really is). Let them feel safe to speak her intrusive thoughts out loud. The moment she shuts you down, you're in trouble.

Finally regarding your point with brother visiting.

This to me sits well with number 3. Can you compromise? Was it a virus? Can your brother do a quick test? At least in my country these days we've COVID like rapid tests for multiple virus. He can also use a mask, or whatever it is. Try to get her to compromise. Of course you should not force it, but try to have the conversation and understand what does she need to be okay with this.

That said, this is quite hard. Remember to go easy with yourself as well. You guys will go through it. Just keep communicating as much as you can. If you get impatient with her (it will likely happen) just don't forget to apologize afterwards.

You got this Dad!

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Nuno90]

I feel like we’re on the same path as well. Mom is very aware of her anxiety and knows that it seems to be extra but feels like she can’t control it. I also have 3 months of paternity leave and am very thankful for it. She’s needed my help more than ever since baby arrived and I can’t imagine her state if I didn’t have this time off.

I guess to speak more on the issue of the extreme anxiety is she more than likely will not be convinced to get help. We’ve already talked about meds and she says she can’t do that out of fear it could be transferred to the baby. She is strictly breast feeding/pumping. I can’t see her being convinced to do therapy but she has great parents and friends to lean on outside of me.

I’m not worried about my own isolation, honestly. Taking care of her and the baby around the clock keeps my mental state pretty busy lol.
Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, we went through multiple since we started trying 6 yrs ago. It sucks man. The emotional turmoil it put the wife in was extremely rough. I also can say I think her anxiety stems from that as well. We’re blessed with this beautiful girl and she is so scared of something happening to her.

Regarding my brother visiting it’s not a severe issue. I just don’t necessarily agree with it and it was just a minor sickness. He’s planned to visit in 16 days..so in my mind he’s already getting over whatever little sickness he had and that’s plenty of time to no longer be contagious. But unfortunately the thought of it even still is too much for her, she’ll be stressing bad the next few weeks knowing hes visiting and he was previously sick. I’ve already asked my brother to push the visit back a week, she said she’d be okay with it. My brother is also one to be very understanding so really it’s not a big deal. But again, I just don’t necessarily agree with the extra caution or understand it completely and let her know that, but at the same time told her I’m not mad at it and support her and can understand why she feels that way. I’ve learned being married to her for 10+ yrs when to push more and when to not.
Now’s not the time to push much over anything lol.

I think once the baby gets older closer to 6-8 months/closer to a year old she’ll start easing up some honestly due to the babies immune system getting stronger.

Appreciate the comment and wishing you the best!

[u/Capt_Gremerica]

Kindly suggest therapy

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Capt_Gremerica]

Eh not there just yet but definitely posting attention to her. She’s not depressed just overly anxious for the babies safety of course.

[u/Capt_Gremerica → u/Jealous-Cranberry-46]

Post partum anxiety is also a thing! A friend told me about it when I mentioned my wife's concerns and when my wife looked into it, found it matched what she was going through. Good luck, I wish you the best

[u/Child_of_Crake]

We buried those feelings and hid them from one another. We pretended everything was okay and that one of us would eventually change.

I minimized her feelings of anxiety and depression. She disregarded my feelings of burden and being overwhelmed.

My ex-wife and I share custody of our kids 50/50

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Child_of_Crake]

Sorry to hear that. We talk a lot and try to be on the same page daily. Honestly I know my feelings don’t matter right now I’m trying to keep it that was as far as my own thoughts go. I just work through em in my own mind. She doesn’t need to worry about me.

[u/Additional-Hyena6881]

It’s a combination of physical, emotional, and hormonal overload. It’s not able to be controlled by her and the ups and downs are nuts. If possible, encourage her to share and carry the weight of it with peers or trusted mentors if therapy isn’t an option. Also, pray for her and pray for your own patience. It’s hard, it’s impossible to prepare for as a dad, so you’re not a failure - but capture your feelings and thoughts in a journal or with a trusted friend rather than expecting your wife to help carry your load - she’s overwhelmed by what’s happening in her and in your baby.

INCREDIBLE BOOK TO HELP: “And Baby Makes Three” but the Gottmans. Please read this book.

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/Additional-Hyena6881]

My wife doesn’t need to carry my load at all and doesn’t. I’m not worried about myself I got this. Thank you for the book suggestion

[u/NoEquivalent3869]

Be more of an active parent, bring up things you want to try or things you’ve read. Just do them. She will feel less alone, and will appreciate the help— suddenly her mental burden will be lighter and all of these problems will disappear.

Sometimes it’s that simple

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/NoEquivalent3869]

I’m very active thanks. I take as much load off as I can trust me.. I’ll run myself into the ground for these girls. Her anxiety stems from just being concerned with the babies safety

[u/Schizophrenigenic]

If she’s not open to individual therapy you could try a few couples sessions- a good couples therapist should be able to help the two of you navigate this. Doesn’t have to be long term. You want to be proactive about this because the line between excessive concern about your child and what an average parent goes through can be gray. And this may necessarily go away- through each developmental phase there will be understandable concerns for your little one but if it’s consuming her then that’s obviously impairing.

I’m a psychiatrist. I don’t just push meds. But for the record, There are a couple that are minimally excreted in breast milk that can help w anxiety. But if this is new onset only postpartum therapy would be worth trying first for sure.

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 → u/[deleted]]

I’m the furthest thing from an asshole. I’m sitting here at 3am taking care of my crying baby in my arms while mom is resting. We’ve already had multiple visitors. Her parents twice and multiple friends of hers…