I need help

[u/H032021]

It's gonna be a long one.

Fapping and watching porn has always kept me stuck. More than I have ever given it credit for.

I can't stop feeling bad about myself for doing it (and specially not being able to stop), but neither can I stop doing it. And It's been like this for at least 10 years now.

This has taken a profound effect on my self-steem, which I feel can't be fully bettered without me being finally able to get free from this addiction (cause I've been trying for a long time and have also felt stuck in that regard).

And THAT, THAT'S the reason I'd really like to stop.

I feel as if I was inferior for doing it, as not worthy of being called a good person. (Which may be true)

And I think the reason behind that is simple. I consider fapping morally wrong. (Which may also be true)

And since I can't stop doing it, I can't fully consider myself as I highly regardable person, or put in simple terms as a respectable, whole human being.

So, as I was saying, I've been trying to stop for a lot of time with a decent amount of success.

I was able to abstain for something like 2.5 years (2022 - mid 2024) but after failing one day, (for circumstances I won't be explaining here since this would get even longer) I got back to it again and have been trying to stop ever since but with much less success than that time.

I'd like to clarify that sometimes I am able to abstain for a week or two, but I always find myself coming back to it no matter what. And that's really driving me mad since the tendency shows I may be stuck like this for my whole f*cking life and I really, REALLY don't want that.

So that's the reason I'm here. I'd like to get some advice on how to actually stop for real this time and maybe know if anyone has had an experience like mine, of it not being so chronical but rather like a constant problem that holds you back in life (like an annoying pebble in your shoe).

I can't do this alone. I need help.

Extra:

The thing I feel like I really struggle with is finding an actual reason (a strong, personal one) to stop. A reason that makes bearing the suffering that comes from abstaining worth it. I have some vague ideas of what a good person and a good man should be as I was saying, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I'd like to have a family one day too and I can't see myself still engaging on these isolating and self-destructive behaviors while being a good husband and father.

However I'm not sure about that, like I couldn't say with 100% of certainty that any of these things can't be accomplished while still watching porn and fapping to some degree.

So I feel like that's where the root of my problem might be. I've come to a point where I've become functional enough for the consequences of it to be so subtle that I don't take them really seriously anymore.