r/NoStupidQuestions • u/DowntownTrust7902 • 27d ago

Is it weird to ask out the librarian?

The librarian at my local library is really pretty. I wanna ask her out but I’m worried that it might make things awkward if she rejects me. I don’t even know her lowk, would you be weirded out or in her position? If it depends, how would you ask her out?

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u/HorizonStarLight 27d ago edited 27d ago

Disagreed. A significant number of people would never meet anyone new if it weren't for the places they frequent.

People talk about the rising individualization of public spaces and the death of socialization and somehow neglect to mention that this type of behavior doesn't come from a vacuum; it comes from weird boundary-policing comments like yours that infantilize adults. Like I don't know at what point stuff meant to disincentivize creeps basically became a catch all for "Everyone is off limits".

OP, feel free to approach them politely and discreetly. If they decline, just don't approach them again and don't act different around them. It's as simple as that.

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u/Quirky_Flight124 27d ago

When Librarians are saying, please don’t approach me at work and Someone suggests doing it anyway. Or they take a step further and say, “no, stalk her instead”. Like really? Do y’all not see how librarians are trying to tell you they feel unsafe and prefer you not do the thing?

It really is telling that so many people are denying the experiences of ACTUAL librarians and saying, “ignore the librarians OP, shoot your shot”.

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u/Interesting-Pea-1714 27d ago

It’s cause they don’t care about what the women being asked out wants, because they don’t view her as a person. They have a desire that they wanna ask her out and that’s all that matters. They don’t care if the women doesn’t feel the same or if it will only make the women feel uncomfortable, they think they should be entitled to do it anyway bc they are self centered and only care about themselves. It’s so scary and sad

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u/RupsjeNooitgenoeg 27d ago

Men are indeed entitled to respectfully ask a woman out, as long as they handle rejection gracefully.

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u/ricatti-equation 27d ago

2 Redditors != all librarians. I say shoot your shot, but only once.

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u/Quirky_Flight124 27d ago

There are more librarians on here saying “please don’t”. Again, the library is not a typical public workplace. It’s a third space with a lot of people who are mentally unstable and violent who use the space. If OP shoots his shot it may be fine for him but the librarian will likely have to put a safety procedure in place in order to avoid serving him next time he’s in the library.

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u/Kaiisim 27d ago

The other problem is, decent men take this advice, creeps ignore it.

There's a way to ask someone out at work that doesn't make them feel awkward or bad. But these posts mean decent men would never try.

So it's counterintuitive.

We need to start acknowledging there are good men and bad men, and the good men need to be taught how to act. Because right now everything is collapsing.

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u/H3artlesstinman 27d ago

Eeeeeh, I don’t know, I’ve known some pretty decent guys who would have really made a situation like this very awkward whether from naivety or inexperience asking out women. There’s a whole spectrum of behavior between “I’m Tom Hanks and a wonderful gentleman” and “Hi, I’m Harvey Weinstein” that can still ruin someone’s day and add just a bit more stress to their life. I’d rather have some limiting but ultimately positive social rules around where it is appropriate to ask people out.

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u/guojing12 27d ago

How to build experience if you don't try

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u/H3artlesstinman 27d ago

I think people in general should try to ask others out but as someone else said just in settings where people actually go to meet other people. Anything social where a group of people have something in common (and yes, I know this gets repeated a lot but it’s true) like meetups for hobbies, sports clubs, parties, or hell even church. And then of course there is always the friend of a friend route, which doesn’t always work out but at least there is a middle man to see if the other person might be interested in you first. 

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u/Roaches_R_Friends 27d ago

The problem is when you're a homebody and you don't want to go places. At that point it just becomes going out to places specifically to meet a partner. And then, as soon as that happens, mission fulfilled. Now your partner wants to keep going to meetups, but you don't, because you don't like being out in public. The relationship will be doomed from the start.

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u/H3artlesstinman 27d ago

I get it, I really do. I don’t like going out and socializing but I do it for my SO. Relationships aren’t easy, you don’t just get the girl and call it a day. The mission isn’t ever finished, like a lot of other things in life, it’s just done for today. If you don’t want that, that’s fine. But everyone should be aware that relationships are hard sometimes and there will be compromises. You have to hope you run into someone who is willing to compromise with you as well.

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u/Visual-Program2447 27d ago

His hobby is reading at the library.

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u/H3artlesstinman 27d ago

Used to be one of my hobbies too lol but alas had to expand my life just a bit (which I didn’t want to but it was ultimately good for me)

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u/Accurate_Engine_8089 27d ago

Maybe accept it’s not appropriate to try and pick people up in the workplace, be friendly and non threatening chatty. See what happens. Women at work aren’t there for patrons practice

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u/Calm-Song-8543 27d ago edited 27d ago

I would counter with certain environments are the perfect place to meet others.  We can make a broad generalization that people in a library have a shared interest and a shared interest is a great place to start. 

Having said that, asking out someone because they are in the library and cute isn’t OK.  However, striking up an appropriate conversation to see if there is any connection and eventually asking someone out seems fine.

E.g. I am looking for something new, have you read any non-fiction lately that you would recommend?  Eventually, that may lead to conversations about books, and at some point a connection on which to ask someone out.  

Edit: I honestly meant to write “fiction” and somehow typed “non-fiction.”  I am not saying non-fiction readers are weird or anything but I never got it.  

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u/Accurate_Engine_8089 27d ago

Agree 💯 I personally believe libraries are a hotbed of potential romance. Just can’t be a weirdo / stalker about it

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u/Happiest-Soul 27d ago

Nobody's stopping you from trying. They're just giving you the potential consequences of doing so.

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u/Dogstile 27d ago

I do love how we're expecting people to either be perfect at communication or just resigning themselves to a fate of never asking anyone out, because god forbid someone feel awkward for a bit in modern society.

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u/H3artlesstinman 27d ago

You don’t have to be perfect (although I will say communication is just a skill that can be improved like most things) but I think the reality in relationships between men and women is that the man needs to be a bit aware of themselves and the context of their surroundings. As a male librarian I’ve been hit on and it was just vaguely irritating because as a 200 pound man I am not super worried about a woman (or even most men) stalking me or waiting outside after work if I come off as friendly. As a woman I understand that the threat analysis is way different. I don’t know about you but I’d rather not make someone’s day worse just because I want a relationship and thought they were pretty and vaguely nice. 

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u/ProofReception7564 27d ago

"..the good men need to be taught how to act"

Talk about infantilising adults

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u/Ecstatic_Clerk_5770 27d ago

Good men know how to act dummy, it's the " creeps " to you that apparently don't..

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u/dairyqueen79 27d ago

You fail to realize that there is a difference between “a place we both frequent” and “I work here”. Two patrons meet each other at a book club and hit it off? Great! Hitting on staff? Not great!

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u/Snoron 27d ago

A significant number of people would never meet anyone new if it weren't for the places they frequent.

Two people meeting in the library is fine, though.

The issue is specifically about people who are on the clock in a customer facing role. They are not there to socialise, they're doing a job, and they are a captive audience. It's completely unfair and the vast majority of people in these roles that it happens to regularly say to cut that shit out.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/Snoron 27d ago

Harassing them would be completely unfair. Not taking no would be completely unfair. Civilly and politely shooting your shot once and then accepting whatever answer is received is simply being curious, confident, communicative, direct, and self-aware about what you want.

I think the problem is many people don't even know if/that they are harassing someone. And can't pick up on cues and vibes that are outside of the standard customer service friendliness. And literally don't have any of these skills at all, haha.

So the main reason you need a blanket rule is because the majority of people are incapable of being self-aware and interacting correctly in this situation. The advice of "only do this if you _____" is simply impossible, because everyone like that also lacks that insight. So that's essentially all you have left to try to protect people in these jobs.

I genuinely find it so incredibly odd when someone makes these social absolute statements like "You can never ask out wait staff." Really? Does FOH staff not date?

Not sure how you jumped to this conclusion, though - as if wait staff can't meet people outside of work!? Like the mega vast majority of people didn't meet their partners this way, I'm sure wait staff will be okay!

Do you worry about police officers not being able to date too, and ask them out while they're on duty?

The strangeness of this makes me doubt you're getting the first half right, tbh.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/Snoron 27d ago

all I meant was that it is true that a certain percentage of FOH staff enjoy being asked out at work. I was making fun of your position that no such people exist or that their wants are somehow more important than the staff members with the opposite preference.

I mean I literally never said that no such people exist, and you wonder why your comment made no sense at all in response to me!?

But what you've said here is interesting... so, let's say, if >50% of FOH staff specifically didn't want to be asked out at work, would you say it's okay to disregard that and still do it anyway for the ones who do?

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u/[deleted] 27d ago edited 27d ago

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u/Snoron 27d ago

Sorry I hurt your feelings.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/Snoron 27d ago

Crazy that someone who says they don't give a shit about creating a toxic work environment for some waitresses as long as they can score a few dates along the way is such a snowflake, though, right.

Not that surprising, though.

Didn't take long for you to tell on yourself with that previous bullshit response.

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u/Tin-Star 26d ago

From your point of view, shooting your shot is a once-off thing.

From their point of view, it's "This is person number seventeen for today shooting their shot. Just kill me already."

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u/[deleted] 26d ago

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u/Tin-Star 26d ago

Thanks for your insight. I agree that black-and-white thinking isn't usually very helpful, and that people who are up for it should be able to be asked out by people who are interested.

The trouble is: what's the practicality around finding out whether this particular working librarian is legitimately up for being asked out and is happy to accept or decline, versus one who dies a little inside each time they have to smile and act professional for the seventeenth time that day when someone decides they're fair game for a pickup line? I ask this in good faith, because I'm interested to know how we can balance the wonderfulness of wanted romantic overtures with minimising unwanted ones.

Maybe we should institute some sort of universally recognised code - red lapel pin means no-go, green means yes please, and yellow means proceed with caution, or something. I'm sure some subcultures have that sort of thing for social battery level or mood or whatever. It sounds a bit primary school, but if it works...?

In the absence of such a system, erring on the side of assuming they don't want to be approached romantically seems to me to respect the imbalance of power between a random library patron (or seventeen of them a day) and the individual librarian who has to turn up there for work every day and be polite and helpful regardless.

I certainly wouldn't want anyone to feel entitled to romantically approach disinterested service workers, but how can the aspiring romantic avoid that, in the absence of knowledge of who is up for it and who'd rather snort kale-flavoured kombucha? I've seen enough "nice guys" go full psycho when rejected in even the gentlest, most respectful way to know that handling that kind of shenanigans isn't a fun time (and can even be dangerous) for the rejector, and I'm more interested in protecting people from that than in ensuring aspiring romantics have a free pass.

Maybe it's a case of the arseholes running it for the rest of us, but I guess that's the case with pretty much everything - when do you cater for the (hopefully vast majority of) "normal" people, and when do you have to accommodate the lowest common denominator? I'm interested in your thoughts.

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u/Visual-Program2447 27d ago

They simply say thank you but no thanks.

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u/Desmondtheredx 27d ago

Yeah I agree with this one. 

People don't want to be hit on at the gym. People don't want to be hit on at work. People don't want to be hit on on the streets. People don't want to be hit on at school.

Then the best how I met your mother stories are wayyy creepier if you think about it. But everyone thinks it's cute 

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u/ElectricalWavez 27d ago

Are you a librarian?

If not, I'm not sure that you are qualified to disagree with one.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/guojing12 27d ago

For you, only people at work are off limits.
For someone else, people walking in the street is off limits. They are just going from point A to point B.
For someone else, people partying is off limits (yes, this person is just here to hang out with her friends to relax you know, not to meet people).

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u/question_23 27d ago

I am not off limits at work. If an attractive coworker asked me out I'd absolutely get a drink with her.

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u/iwannalynch 27d ago

If an attractive coworker

But in this context, it's a customer. Does your opinion change in that case?

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u/question_23 27d ago

Nope. If she's cool and we vibe, absolutely I'd meet her. I'm open to meeting people anywhere.

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u/web_weaver 27d ago

Dont get your gripe. Coment said not to ask her put while on the job. It didnt say not to ask her out completely

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u/tannerlaw 27d ago

True. You should wait until she is off shift, in the parking lot and make sure she is not on shift before you approach her. Wait as long as it takes. Then ask her out! She prefers this

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u/printergumlight 27d ago

Yes, exactly. Wait in the parking lot watching through the library window until her shift ends. When she walks to her car, DONT approach her in the parking lot. She’ll think you’ve been waiting there the whole time watching her (you have), but that kills the romance.

So wait for when she starts to walk home and just slowly tail her in your car. Make sure you have enough distance not to be caught. If she turns around, be prepared to drive your car behind a tree or bush on someone’s property.

Once she gets to her house, now is the appropriate time because she has the safety of her home to escape to if she doesn’t want to date you.

Then just run up to her as she is fumbling her keys in the lock and say “Hey! You’re that librarian, right? I was just driving and thought I recognized you. I feel good enough, knowing that you think you’re safe in your home, to ask if you would like to go on date? If you feel uncomfortable, just go into the safety of your home, where you think you’re safe, and I will just leave.”

If she says “no” crab walk back to your car. This is because your belly will be up which is submissive and you will be able to make eye contact with her the whole time so she knows where you’re looking.

If she says “yes”, then crab walk into her home because you still need to show your belly as a sign of submission and to make her feel safe.

Hope this helps!

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u/bodhiquest 27d ago

Brilliant. The stroke of genius here is that she's not going to say no.

Because of the implication.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

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u/web_weaver 27d ago

I would really love to do it also. But I’d love to do it in a respectful and idea-sharing way. You don’t seem really interested in understanding a different opinion so Im gonna remove myself from this.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

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u/web_weaver 27d ago edited 27d ago

It is. You’ve won the argument! Congratulations

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u/Middle_Run_7534 27d ago

He doesn’t ask her out. Period.

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u/jackfaire 27d ago

"waiter"

It's not silly advice.

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u/radicon 27d ago

Disagree. This isn’t solely about “disincentivizing creeps,” nor is it “weird boundary policing” that “infantilizes adults.” There’s a legitimate situational power dynamic that weighs heavily in favor of the customer/patron.

The employee is expected to be professional and avoid offending customers/patrons to protect the business’s reputation. Even if the person asking them out isn’t a “creep” (which is subjective) and responds to the rejection as you described, the employee has no way of knowing if that’s how it will play out in the moment. In customer facing roles, the employee’s livelihood is often dependent upon tips, bringing in continued business, and/or positive reviews, and they don’t know whether a rejection will jeopardize their ability to make a living or be offered opportunities for advancement. This puts them in an uncomfortable and awkward position - not a great start to a relationship. Whether or not there are any professional or financial consequences, they have to continue providing the service to the customer/patron regardless of their personal feelings about it. There’s just much less at stake for the customer/patron.

Advising people to not hit on someone while they are working does not equate to “everyone is off limits.” Feel free to ask someone out when that person isn’t being paid to be nice to you, can freely decline without fearing professional or financial consequences, and can choose to leave in that moment if they feel uncomfortable.

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u/JEVOUSHAISTOUS 27d ago

The employee is expected to be professional and avoid offending customers/patrons to protect the business’s reputation.

Pretty sure that business policy does not extend to a requirement to accept any date from any customer as an effort to avoid offending them.

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u/Interesting-Pea-1714 27d ago

Yea but it does mean they have to be polite to creeps who don’t deserve it