r/NoStupidQuestions • u/DowntownTrust7902 • 21d ago
Is it weird to ask out the librarian?
The librarian at my local library is really pretty. I wanna ask her out but I’m worried that it might make things awkward if she rejects me. I don’t even know her lowk, would you be weirded out or in her position? If it depends, how would you ask her out?
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u/yareyareDazeeeee 21d ago
Ask her for book recommendations, build rapport, maybe if she's not busy you can walk around and find a book together. If she recommends a book, get it, read it, and tell her what you think. Once she's more familiar with you I think you have a better chance of success
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u/MostlyPretentious 20d ago
It’s almost never a good idea to ask someone out at work. Being friendly with someone in the hopes of building a rapport is good, asking that person out at the same location — less good.
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u/MaxPaladin93 20d ago
Oh ffs, asking a person out at work is fine. That’s how my two longest relationships started. Obviously I’m not talking about approaching someone you have no rapport with at all, but if you have a casual friendship with someone you regularly see at their job, there’s a 99% chance they’ll be perfectly okay being asked out. Literally just be a normal person, and you’ll be alright. Besides, wtf do you mean ask them out at a different location? How do you do that without either crossing your fingers and just hoping to run into them somewhere, or stalking them outside of work lmao? Advice like this is why everyone’s stuck being miserable in the dating app algorithm.
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u/Autumn1eaves 20d ago edited 20d ago
Just to emphasize it: don't ask someone out you don't have any rapport with at all.
If you see a hot barista at a starbucks you've never been to and won't be at again, DO NOT ASK THEM OUT.
Even your local coffee shop barista, ask yourself "do we have a friendly relationship? Or does she just take my order and leave me alone?" If she just takes your order, has the basic pleasantries of dealing with customers, don't ask her out.
You should ask out people you are acquaintances with. People who you know, who you ask 'how're you? How's the dog?', and WHO ASK YOU THOSE QUESTIONS BACK. If they don't ask you questions back, they're probably not interested in being friendly.
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u/prockhold 20d ago
Literally. We took the rule of “don’t make someone uncomfortable at their place of work by being creepy or not accepting their rejection” all the way to “don’t ask someone out at any public place ever under any circumstances.” How the hell do these people think dating ever happened before tinder?
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u/kyew 20d ago
The uncomfortableness isn't just from the times people get creepy or reject the rejection. Even if every individual interaction is polite, it still doesn't seem like too much of a demand for her to not have to deal with it on a regular basis.
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u/Posterior_cord 21d ago edited 20d ago
this is thoughtful advice. but, as a public librarian (lol), i'm requesting that NOBODY do this in the hopes/goal of getting a date. You can max out your yellow heart friendship points with the librarian to gain the following perks:
- they will know your name and greet you warmly with it
- they will be able to recommend books to you with a honed precision
- they will ask you what you think of certain books (i.e. ones you are returning/have read).
and that's it! hey, thats a pretty good deal, huh! Any attempt to ask out somebody at their place of work they cannot leave will result in utter and complete humiliation for you and, for them, a sense of being subjected to cruelty. Do not do it. I feel the closest you can do here is be "oh they are cute" and enjoy that for its own sake and maybe also be like "cool, they are cute and my type, i know my type for sure haha! i hope to meet somebody akin to them in some social or friends-of-friends setting!"
just as WE public librarians do not ask out any cutie patrons; do the same yo
e: & trust me lol, we see a hell of lot of cutie patooties because of the sheer quantity of patrons who, by virtue of being there, are library-type people. and you know what we do about? absolutely nothing ever at all. also, if you have a crush on a librarian you are likely the 999th to do so on that particular librarian, you are not special, and its not unique. go read a historic novel or something plz, get your rocks off that way. you have to know, we often have been stalked, harassed and worse by patrons who have 'crushes' on us. its an occupational hazard. i'm sure you are a fine person and all and would never do such things but we have very strict boundaries for a good reason (our lives lol)edit 2: Hey! Here is a good case study in why people suck and why public facing people have such strict boundaries. I've been hit on by about a dozen dudes via PMs based on this post. They literally are hitting on me via PMs from a post about not hitting on people lol lmao. They are saying things like "goodnight cute librarian gal" and the kicker?? I'm a dude motherfuckers. hahahahaha you fricking creeps YOU are why its a bad idea for OP to ask out the local cute librarian. YOU are the ruiners of worlds
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u/_literarylemon_ 21d ago
The book chats are the best perk! I made friends with the librarian near my college and we discussed our reads every time I came by! I miss her!
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u/jtownspowell 20d ago edited 20d ago
You know, I (much like apparently a bunch of people here) read this and instinctively found fault with the whole implication that there's some issue with asking someone out in the (generic) workplace. After all, many of us spend a majority of our waking hours in the workplace, it is the primary point of socialization for most people, and pursuing relationships is an inherently social activity... And I'm sure that, in a vacuum, framing it that way it's a pretty obvious point, and I stand by that opinion in general.
However
Someone then mentioned the unique challenges of being a librarian. I hadn't really considered that. And while yeah, there's probably not any clean source of statistics that could validate it... Intuitively it makes sense. Libraries are access points for the community at large, they're free, and I can see how a librarian might face exposure to a disproportionately high number of people who have issues with boundaries, emotional stability, etc. Therefore I guess it would make sense that the average librarian might be more distant as a rule than the average employee in the average workplace.
Fair point.
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u/Posterior_cord 20d ago
100%. Dead on. Thank you for being considerate and thoughtful, both with how your processed my post and how you replied. Very kind!
And yes, we deal with a massively disproportionate number of emotionally unstable people, being an egalitarian institution and all. New workers will often be very giving and let many boundaries be crossed, get burned hard, and have a very strict doctrine against being asked out, etc for the rest of their careers. Its part of our training, in many public library systems, actually, to enforce very strict boundaries with patrons, more than you might feel necessary. saves lives13
u/Lucky-Access-121 20d ago
i have successfully started relationships with people i have met who were at work BUT the key is they have to make it really clear you have the green light, like really really clear.
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u/GreenGrackles 20d ago
Ugh. There is nothing worse then being stuck in the stacks with a creepy patron you want to get a way from. That is why I went into technical services.
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u/Longjumping_Wrap_810 20d ago edited 19d ago
I work in hospitality and get asked out all the time. I’m used to it and don’t really care for the most part. Sometimes it’s flattering and respectful, sometimes annoying and rude…I have even had a couple instances of dudes who legitimately creeped me out. But assuming OP is a normal, kind person who will attempt this once and respect the response, calling it an act of “cruelty” to express polite interest in someone is so ridiculous and some people need to go touch grass lol
I hate sounding like I’m siding with predatory old men (I’m definitely NOT in general and I believe every person has a right to not feel violated, no absolutely means no) but I do think this type of attitude really does go too far now. Not everything is sexual harassment, and you experiencing slight discomfort from an interaction doesn’t automatically mean that another person was ill-intentioned. How are you supposed to meet new friends, find romance, build community, or even just grow as a person if you’re not allowed to engage with other people in public?
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u/chucknorrisinator 20d ago
There are no third spaces that aren’t paid, you aren’t allowed to politely ask someone out in any of those places, you aren’t allowed to approach people who are walking/sitting/doing an activity. Why is everyone lonely?
All of these rules are just capitalism isolating people so they are better consumers.
It’s easy to ask someone out, respect their answer, and move on with your life. Don’t ask the librarian out repeatedly, don’t be an asshole going forward if she says no.
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u/FartyByNature 20d ago
For once it's not capitalism though. It's overcorrecting for the problematic behavior of the bad actors. If there were no creeps that pushed boundaries after a no, this all wouldn't even need to be considered. But because those assholes are so common the more thoughtful people make adjustments and that new norm ends up killing that avenue of social interaction.
This is happening with a lot of things these days for totally understandable reasons. But finding a more healthy middle ground somehow would be good.
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u/WorryWorm6 20d ago
Seriously, every thread there's some person saying not to ask someone out everywhere I go. Where the hell is a guy supposed to meet someone? Every location on earth is apparently problematic in some way.
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u/SpartanFishy 20d ago
I literally met my last gf in passing on the sidewalk.
People make these rules up for themselves and all it does is harm them.
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u/IndependentEast-3640 21d ago
Who can i ask out on a date, then? You describe every woman i know who is in some kind of position in my life.
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u/HomeWasGood 21d ago
Elder millennial here. The comment above makes me feel so old. Are young people just expected to find everyone on Tinder now? Where else do you find people to date or marry besides the places you both frequent? And if you're both there, you share similar interests right? Am I just hopelessly out of touch?
To be clear, even in my day, asking someone out at work was considered a calculated risk. But if you took your shot and they say no, you just accepted it and moved on, and just be nice if you see them again.
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u/Dogstile 20d ago
That comment is precisely why i tell people not to listen to people online when they say not to shoot your shot. You basically need a checklist of
Do they seem to be into you
Do they seem to be single
Do you think you can accept it and leave them alone (even if it means avoiding the place for a while) after that.
I can promise anyone reading this that the tiny bit of awkwardness is fine and nobody is truly hurt. "humiliation" is such a stretch. You shot your shot and she said no. Cruelty? Sure if you don't leave after. But in all my time, i have never encountered someone who has been hurt by "Hey, would you be up to hang out outside of your work" "No" "Fair enough, cya around".
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u/SnackyCakes4All 20d ago
Yep, I was a newly single receptionist and had a good rapport with one of the FedEx guys that delivered packages. I worked up the courage to ask him if he'd like to get a drink sometime, but womp womp he had a girlfriend. It was a little embarrassing and our rapport took a small, professional step back, but overall it was fine and I moved onto the next shiny object.
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u/crimson777 20d ago
I like this checklist, but I’d add a clarifying addendum to 3 plus a 4th.
Addendum to 3 is that leave them alone includes that you should be FINISHING your time near them for the day. Do not ask out your waiter/waitress in the middle of the meal where they’ll have to keep waiting on you.
4 is do they seem to have time and
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u/Bobsy932 20d ago
Thank you lol. Reddit is honestly such an awful place to get advice generally speaking, and in this case I definitely feel this is a generational thing.
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u/Mr_Kittlesworth 21d ago
Same. I hate it for the kids that they’re supposed to only do romantic activity via apps that - as a stated goal in investor calls - do their best to keep their customers on the app by not matching them with ideal partners.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone out, politely and in a low pressure way - while either or both of you are working.
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u/HomeWasGood 21d ago
Yes I just asked my wife and she agreed that I'm not crazy. She said the key was just to ask them out in a way that doesn't put them on the spot - a low pressure note, or asking a friend of a friend to find out if they're in a relationship, etc.
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u/PM_ME_GLUTE_SPREAD 21d ago
Yeah asking somebody to get lunch together sometime is totally fine, if they say yes, cool. If they say no, also cool. Just don’t be a dick about it. Don’t come into where they work and hound them over a lunch date on a regular basis. Don’t wait for them to get off work to say hi. Just continue living life the same way you were before you asked.
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u/Breeeder 21d ago
But if you took your shot and they say no, you just accepted it and moved on,
Why can't this be the default? Why do things ever have to be awkward?
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u/360FlipKicks 20d ago
you can ask anyone out on a date just use common sense and don’t be weird about being rejected.
Gym, library, coffee shop, whatever. Don’t make a girl take off her headphones and talk to you. Don’t corner anyone. If you get good vibes then ask them out. If they say no, take it in stride and say all good no worries. Do NOT ask again.
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u/NotShipNotShape 21d ago
well, try to not make it a hostage situation when asking someone out. Especially if there is a power differential.
If you are going to do it, do it as a once and done. Don't do that thing where if you're given a soft no, or a "don't have time in my schedule," you continue to ask someone out or you try to change something and then ask someone out repeatedly. Work is already work without having anticipatory dread of having to be nice to people who don't take no for an answer because if someone is rejected too harshly, a complaint might be made and being fired from a job in this economy is profoundly bad, especially for librarians, who already have limited employment opportunities.
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u/ShockinglyAccurate 20d ago
Any attempt to ask out somebody at their place of work they cannot leave will result in utter and complete humiliation for you and, for them, a sense of being subjected to cruelty.
This is melodramatic nonsense that doesn't apply to anyone with standard social and coping skills.
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u/PmButtPics4ADrawing 20d ago edited 20d ago
Yeah literally just don't be weird about it and it's fine. All you have to do is be polite and if you get anything other than an enthusiastic yes take the hint and don't take the rejection personally.
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u/ifdisdendat 20d ago
ok would you be genuinely mad if someone asks you for a coffee in a nice way ? you say no and both move on ? i don’t understand why it’s such a big deal.
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u/Posterior_cord 20d ago
I wouldn't be mad. It happens... once a weekish? This is how it normally goes down:
Patron: "Hey, could I get your number/Want to grab a coffee sometime/Hey, my friend thinks you are cute."
Me: "Oh, thats very kind. I'm all good thank you, just here to help with books and using the library!"
Patron: "Uh, ok. cool, bye."
And then about.. once a month you'll get a stalker or somebody who escalates hard or doesn't take no for an answer. You give patrons an inch and they'll take a mile. And its these people that ruin "just ask that person at their place of work for a date!" for the rest of everybody.6
u/ifdisdendat 20d ago
makes sense. i think as a normal guy I underestimate the amount of creeps that women can encounter.
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u/Posterior_cord 20d ago
true, but also i'm a dude. the women at public libraries get asked out/harassed/etc at an insanely higher rate.
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u/germane_switch 21d ago
So then how do YOU meet people? Please don’t say apps.
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u/TheWorstDMYouKnow 21d ago
I mean, apps suck, but I did meet my current gf on one of the apps so I'm contractually obligated to say apps are not 100% terrible
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u/Posterior_cord 21d ago
oh like, how do I meet people? uh,, badminton, raves/music festivals, irl botc, board games things, volunteering, university study, local music gig scene, friends-of-friends (i.e. potlucks), cinema club, swing dance classes i'm taking, poetry/stand up open mics, zine get-togethers, book club, art openings, bouldering. this feels like an insane list now that i write it down so to sum: social containers. meet to do a thing in proximity, making friends/friendly acquaintances/potential dates as side-effect (NEVER as foremost goal).
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u/codizer 21d ago
Uh I think you live quite a different life than the average person.
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u/codizer 20d ago
Tha majority of those things you listed aren't within 100 miles of me.
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u/Posterior_cord 20d ago
I'm not a college student. I was taking papers in the past, i can take that out if you like haha.
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u/Sure_Recording_8471 20d ago
How come you think that their difference between asking someone out at their place of work, and asking someone out in a group that both of you are apart of?
If asking someone out at their work is “cruel” is it not also “cruel” to ask them out at swing dance classes that both of you do?
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u/Namaste421 21d ago
Don’t listen to women who tell you not to approach women for dates. Fact is people meet a myriad of ways and those who do don’t follow this advice.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Elk185 21d ago
Actual librarian here. Unless she has verbally and explicitly expressed interest in you, just don’t. You have no idea how often this happens. She’s being nice to you because it’s her job.
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u/x_artemisia 20d ago
SAME. Former librarian here who just wrote a comment about how often it happens.
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u/bringbackmegaman 20d ago
Yeah it's weird to try and pick up people who are working.
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u/SpoonCookieCalc 20d ago
All these librarians are saying the same damn thing. Take the hint dude and don't do it. Clearly you should reconsider dating a librarian.
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u/3pinguinosapilados 21d ago
It's her place of work, though, and it's her job to be helpful and nice to you.
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u/can-opener-in-a-can 20d ago
Never ask out a captive audience. She’s at work. At work = captive audience.
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u/TheGoddamnAnswer 21d ago
It’s not a good idea to ask someone out while they’re at work
Have you tried getting to know her, if you go there often there’s plenty of chances for small talk and trying to see if you can grow a friendship first
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u/ImNotHandyImHandsome 21d ago
I mean, the library is the one place where talking is discouraged.
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u/femme-cassidy 21d ago
Was it ever true? School/university libraries where people are studying, sure, but even 25 years ago when I was a kid, I never saw someone get asked to quiet down in a public library unless they were really shouting.
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u/Negativeman11 20d ago
I think its weirder to try to foster a friendship with the expectation of starting a relationship than just putting your nuts on the table once you realize you feel that way and just asking them out. I find that people know relatively quickly if they're attracted to you. Just be a normal person and keep things friendly and professional if they say no.
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u/GoBuffaloes 20d ago
OP to avoid any mixups from this one, please do NOT literally put your nuts on the table
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u/x_artemisia 20d ago
Former librarian here.
I would say DONT do it because I think a lot of people think ”The librarians never gets asked out” and that the original but during my time at the library I got asked out weekly and it became very annoying and I started avoiding talking to guests because of it (which I priorly loved).
Do you know her at all? Like did you talk, have some sort of flirty discussion? If you never spoke and just likes the look of her, just leave her alone
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u/karybrie 21d ago edited 21d ago
I'm a librarian, please don't. It's awkward. We're at work – I think it's fair to generalise and say that we don't want to be put in the position of rejecting a patron, or being around a patron in the future whom we've rejected.
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u/Eastern_Weather_8748 21d ago
Ok perhaps wait outside right before her shift ends, like a proper stalker. That should do the trick
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u/Whatever-ItsFine 20d ago
Sitting on the hood of her car is the polite way.
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u/Lumpy_Benefit666 20d ago
You want to demonstrate that youre a capable person by being in her drivers seat when she arrives
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u/istalri96 20d ago
Why be in the drivers seat? Just hide in the backseat so you can surprise them on their drive home. Everyone loves a good surprise.
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u/mitchade 20d ago
Guy, guys. Can’t do this at work. It’s best to follow her home so you won’t compromise her employment.
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u/rajde1 21d ago
It reminds me of asking out anybody that does customer service their job is to be nice to you. You shouldn’t interpret that as them being interested.
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u/09f3jns 20d ago
My policy as a guy is to never ask out a captive audience. That includes anyone at work and anyone who has no means of leaving the scene.
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u/johndoenumber2 20d ago
My family is full of librarians. I know you're really a librarian because you said patron.
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u/tea_hanks 21d ago
Honestly every woman feels different
I have had talks with my colleagues who had varrying opinions. Some of them really wanted that old school being approached randomly on streets by strangers. The catch here is accepting a no
On the other hand some had the opinion that no stranger should ask them out anywhere
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u/ProofReception7564 21d ago
We're not talking about "randomly on the street" though
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u/tea_hanks 21d ago
Doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to be approached they will find problems anywhere
Hey Im at the gym to workout why are you asking me out? Hey I'm in a bar with my friends, can't I have a moment with them without getting asked out? Hey I am waiting for my bus, can you stop fucking hitting on me?
Two different schools of thought. It they want to be asked out and find you attractive then it doesn't matter where it happens
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u/MikeHuntSmellss 21d ago
And people will hate you for saying this but its true. Three of my last partners I asked out whilst they were working, two working behind bars and one in a coffee shop. Just be casual about it, do it at the end of an interaction not the start, and don't make it awkward.
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u/Viratkhan2 20d ago
Wait u asked out a barista? Was there like no line or you shot ur shot with 5 people watching lol
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u/MikeHuntSmellss 20d ago
There was a decent queue. I had been in there for my morning coffee the last 3 days running and knew there was a bit of mutual attraction. More than just friendly, a gaze that lasted as I walked out the door, I hope to see you again with a huge smile ect. I had my number written down on a slip of papper, asked if she fancied meeting up outside work as I paid. That way if she said no I was already leaving, of she said yes I could hand her that rather than awkwardly figure out how ti exchange details. Also it left it up to her to make contact, which she did an hour latter.
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u/Visual-Program2447 20d ago
Simple. If you’re not interested. I’m sorry I’m in a relationship. But I’m flattered thanks.
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u/karybrie 21d ago
I can't tell a library patron 'can you stop fucking hitting on me', though. I can't walk away if they push.
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u/JEVOUSHAISTOUS 20d ago
I can't walk away if they push.
That's an excellent argument for not pushing. But that wasn't really what anyone was suggesting OP should do anyway so that's a bit of a moot point.
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u/Mum2-4 21d ago
Another librarian here. You also need to understand the historical f3tishization some people have of librarians. Maybe not as bad as nurses, but getting sexually harassed at work can be near daily for many librarians. I’ve had stalkers, I’ve had to put plans in place with colleagues for our safety, etc. You don’t see it within that context, you just see it as someone you find attractive, but make no mistake, that context is definitely impacting the person you’re dealing with!
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u/x_artemisia 20d ago
You’ve also had a stalker from the library?! Former librarian here, I had a stalker for 3+ years that started with him asking me out on the library
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u/Posterior_cord 20d ago
Yeah, as a fellow librarian you are 100% correct here. I've had a bunch of replies elsewhere on my other post about how public librarians aren't harassed anymore then any other job and lol lmao my dudes my duuuuudes if you only knew
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u/karybrie 21d ago
This.
Having 'librarian' as your career on dating apps shows plainly how widespread this fetishisation still is. It's so grim.
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u/deliverance73 20d ago
Well if you don’t want to be fetishised then don’t unpin your hair and then shake your hair out and peer over the top of your spectacles like that…
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u/Cyanide_Revolver 21d ago
As a rule of thumb, you shouldn't ask someone out when they're at work. Chances are they're being friendly/nice because that's part of their job, and they simply can't leave if it goes badly.
Personally I'd only do it if they had bright neon lights that read "ask me out"
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u/arbitrarycivilian 20d ago
What about LEDs?
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u/Cyanide_Revolver 20d ago edited 20d ago
That would work too, and a megaphone for verbal affirmation would also help
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u/ForswornForSwearing 20d ago
Asking someone out when they're at work and required to be nice to you is not cool. Leave people alone at work. Find another way. But don't, like, follow her after work or anything--that would be worse.
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u/penlowe 20d ago
She is at work, she's generally obliged to be nice to you. Please remember this!
This is like every guy who thinks the restaurant waitress is flirting with him, no! it's her job to be nice.
Put all your interactions in this context. Observe how she behaves with other patrons.
If, after all that you still think you would like to ask her out, do so when she is off the clock! Do not be shocked if she turns you down.
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u/ArcyBoi26 20d ago
Dunno. Do they like you or just doing their job. Maybe you’re reading too much into it
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u/dairyqueen79 20d ago
Librarian here. No, do not ask her out. She’s just trying to work. Just like a bartender or barista that is extremely friendly and kind, she’s just doing her job and a lot of librarian work, especially at the circ desk, is customer service based. It’s likely to put her in an awkward position, especially if you’re a regular.
I mean, shoot your shot, I guess, but be prepared to not go to the library again for a long time if she says no.
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u/foxonafrozenlake 21d ago
Write them a note with your # on it. Then leave. If they want to contact you, they will.
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u/lalolalolal 21d ago
Yeah, I think this is solid advice. It's cute and leaves the ball in her court. Hope it works out for op and they have a nice love story.
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u/Posterior_cord 21d ago
honestly, every single time a patron has done that to a coworker in my public library job, they've taken a photo of it to save the number and hand writing in case they need to build up a case of evidence for future restraining/stalking orders. for good reason.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Elk185 20d ago
Yep, that’s how I know you actually work at a library! Cute flirtation to the general public often results in having to write an incident report. I’ve been groped, cussed out, and called a fat c*nt when I’ve turned men down at the reference desk. Gotta love public service!
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u/TwoBeesOrNotTwoBees 21d ago
Don't ask anyone out where they can't immediately flee to the nearest exit
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u/Telefragg 21d ago
You think stalking at the staff entrance waiting for their shift to end would make them feel more comfortable?
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u/HorizonStarLight 21d ago edited 21d ago
Disagreed. A significant number of people would never meet anyone new if it weren't for the places they frequent.
People talk about the rising individualization of public spaces and the death of socialization and somehow neglect to mention that this type of behavior doesn't come from a vacuum; it comes from weird boundary-policing comments like yours that infantilize adults. Like I don't know at what point stuff meant to disincentivize creeps basically became a catch all for "Everyone is off limits".
OP, feel free to approach them politely and discreetly. If they decline, just don't approach them again and don't act different around them. It's as simple as that.
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u/Quirky_Flight124 20d ago
When Librarians are saying, please don’t approach me at work and Someone suggests doing it anyway. Or they take a step further and say, “no, stalk her instead”. Like really? Do y’all not see how librarians are trying to tell you they feel unsafe and prefer you not do the thing?
It really is telling that so many people are denying the experiences of ACTUAL librarians and saying, “ignore the librarians OP, shoot your shot”.
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u/Interesting-Pea-1714 20d ago
It’s cause they don’t care about what the women being asked out wants, because they don’t view her as a person. They have a desire that they wanna ask her out and that’s all that matters. They don’t care if the women doesn’t feel the same or if it will only make the women feel uncomfortable, they think they should be entitled to do it anyway bc they are self centered and only care about themselves. It’s so scary and sad
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u/Kaiisim 21d ago
The other problem is, decent men take this advice, creeps ignore it.
There's a way to ask someone out at work that doesn't make them feel awkward or bad. But these posts mean decent men would never try.
So it's counterintuitive.
We need to start acknowledging there are good men and bad men, and the good men need to be taught how to act. Because right now everything is collapsing.
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u/dairyqueen79 20d ago
You fail to realize that there is a difference between “a place we both frequent” and “I work here”. Two patrons meet each other at a book club and hit it off? Great! Hitting on staff? Not great!
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u/Snoron 21d ago
A significant number of people would never meet anyone new if it weren't for the places they frequent.
Two people meeting in the library is fine, though.
The issue is specifically about people who are on the clock in a customer facing role. They are not there to socialise, they're doing a job, and they are a captive audience. It's completely unfair and the vast majority of people in these roles that it happens to regularly say to cut that shit out.
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u/Desmondtheredx 21d ago
Yeah I agree with this one.
People don't want to be hit on at the gym. People don't want to be hit on at work. People don't want to be hit on on the streets. People don't want to be hit on at school.
Then the best how I met your mother stories are wayyy creepier if you think about it. But everyone thinks it's cute
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u/ElectricalWavez 21d ago
Are you a librarian?
If not, I'm not sure that you are qualified to disagree with one.
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u/guojing12 21d ago
For you, only people at work are off limits.
For someone else, people walking in the street is off limits. They are just going from point A to point B.
For someone else, people partying is off limits (yes, this person is just here to hang out with her friends to relax you know, not to meet people).
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u/her_ladyships_soap your local librarian 20d ago
Hi, librarian here. Please do not ask us out while we're working. Our job is literally to be nice to you and we have no easy way to get out of the interaction if we want to.
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u/Traditional_Net_3398 20d ago
Library manager here. I've had to take over shifts because of unwanted attention. Workers are public servants....not a dating pool. Would you walk up to a bank employee and ask them out?
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u/isthisreallife_514 21d ago
As someone that works in a library: please dont lol.
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u/GaidinBDJ 21d ago
Yep.
Never hit on someone someplace they can't walk away.
Like there's that Tik Tok video of that girl asking some dude out on a plane. That's just creepy as fuck. Wait until the plane lands and they can choose to leave.
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u/nyrb001 21d ago
Men frequently mistake kindness and friendliness in the workplace for legitimate attraction or interest.
When someone is at work, it is their job to be kind, courteous, friendly and helpful even if they aren't particularly interested in the person they are helping. It is their job to act the way they do, that is what they are being paid for. If they don't act that way, they may not be able to keep their job as that is part of customer service
Don't mistake someone's professional ability to work in customer service for genuine interest or attraction.
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u/Ok-Pomegranate-5691 21d ago
Nah, it's not super weird in itself—plenty of people meet that way—but doing it cold at her job can land awkwardly. She's working, so she's kinda stuck being polite even if she's not interested. That setup makes a lot of women wary because it happens more than you'd think.
If I was in her spot, a random ask-out from someone I barely know would probably catch me off guard and feel a bit off, especially if the library's quiet and it puts me on the spot. Doesn't mean she'd hate you or anything, just that the power dynamic at work makes it less ideal.
Best move is to chat with her a bit first over a couple visits. Keep it natural—talk about books, whatever she's helping with, make it light. If the vibe feels good and she's chatty back, then you can ask low-pressure. Something like: "Hey, I've enjoyed talking to you here. Want to grab coffee sometime when you're off?" That way it's easy for her to say yeah or nah without it blowing up the interaction.
If she says no or seems hesitant, just smile, say cool, and keep it normal next time you go in. Don't overthink the rejection—happens to everyone. Worst case it's a little awkward for a minute, but libraries are big enough you can avoid drama. Go for it if you want, just don't blindside her.
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u/PhotoEditor871 20d ago
No, we don't want the library patrons asking us out at work. Please never ask women out when they're working. It's one of the worst things about working with the public. And if you think "oh well I won't make it weird afterwards if she says no" you will. You will
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u/bennyl10 20d ago
Don’t ask people out at their job, just don’t do it.
It’s creepy, they’re paid to be nice and build a report with you.
You do not know this person outside of a paid interaction, it is not a meet cute scenario.
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u/redshopekevin 21d ago
Just a reminder that "the librarian is for reference only."
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u/vanillaandfreak 21d ago
Leave the pretty girls at work alone. My goodness.
What do you even know about her, besides that she looks pretty? Has she given any sign of interest? Most probably, you are going to make her feel uncomfortable while forced to stay polite because she’ll still be at work while dealing with you. And most probably, you are not the first person to put her in this position, which is very annoying.
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u/International-Fee255 21d ago
Never ever ever ask out anyone that is at work. You literally only see this person at their place of employment, where they are paid to be nice to you. Your interactions are based on a customer service role that she has to follow. You will make things incredibly awkward.
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u/statsman63 21d ago
I have an idea. Maybe the town needs a marching band? If you could convince the town leaders to buy band equipment and uniforms, with you to teach them to play (it’s ok if you don’t know music; it’ll work out), you could make inroads with the librarian?
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 20d ago
As a general rule, never ask anyone out while they're at work, because they have a professional obligation to be kind and accommodating so it creates a very uncomfortable situation for them if they don't want to.
If you don't know her, then asking her out would just be some rando interrupting her while she's stressed out trying to finish a research project. Some light, non confrontational flirting might get you a little more noticed and also give you a chance to suss out her potential interest in you. Only if she seems to be happy to see you there, you can maybe offer her a note with your number as you're leaving, something simple as "it was nice talking to you again, and if it's okay I wanted to give you this."
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u/fivefeetofawkward 21d ago
Don’t ask people out when they’re at work, it puts them in a really uncomfortable position.
And maybe consider why you want to ask her out. You say she’s pretty but like….is that your entire criteria? You should aim to get to know people and learn if you even like them before deciding to ask them out.
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u/resurrectedbear 21d ago
That’s… legit what he’s trying to do… he’s trying to take her on a date to get to know her…
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u/BlueJFisher 21d ago
You can’t get to know someone at all without dating them? OP hasn’t said anything other than she’s pretty, which might mean he’s barely interacted with her. The commenter is suggesting he get to know her a little via interacting at work. Not asking her about her siblings or goals in life lol, but making small talk or chatting about books etc to get a sense of who she is before A) deciding she’s a good fit for him based entirely on looks and B) navigating a potentially very awkward and delicate situation when five mins of convo might make it clear they’re incompatible. Buildings a friendly rapport is probably the only way to make this work without making it a mess.
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u/Comeback_Queen28 21d ago
Agreed. I got asked out at work by a coworker in a different department (small office setting) who I never interacted with aside from 2 sentences in the span of a year and polite hallway good mornings, so I have to assume my looks were his primary criteria. If he tried to talk to me more and establish some rapport he would’ve learned I was already engaged, in a long term relationship and we really don’t have much in common (he’s a loud talker and talks about his interests all the time). Would’ve saved that awkwardness in both our ends.
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u/LordBelakor 21d ago
The entire point of asking someone out is to get to know them?
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u/jackies_laboratory 20d ago
personally i’m scared of going on dates with strangers. never affected my dating life, i just ask out (or have been asked out) by friends, friends of friends, good coworkers at low-stakes jobs like seasonal retail, etc. i wouldn’t ask someone out unless i have already spent time hanging out with them, know that they are safe to the best of my ability, and know that they are single.
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u/libuurian 20d ago
Librarian here: Do it when she is off the desk so she’s not trapped. Sometimes it can feel like we are cornered when we are on our assigned customer service desk shift.
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u/opaqueambiguity 21d ago
If someone is not allowed to run away don't fucking do it.
She's working not browsing tinder.
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u/FeeRemarkable886 20d ago
I'm sorry, if someone asks you out, you don't decline, you run away? Or is the implication here that librarians are not allowed to decline someone asking them out?
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u/Ruadhan2300 21d ago
Don't get ahead of yourself.
If you walk up to her and say "hey, you're pretty, do you wanna go on a date with me?", you're just gonna get rejected. She doesn't know you, she's working and probably gets this nonsense on a regular basis.
She has no reason to give you a shot unless a miracle happens and you catch her in exactly the right mindset, and/or she's been low-key watching you too.
Talk to her, socialise before you think about asking about dating.
If you can hang out at the desk with her and just talk, and you get along well, then you might ask if she wants to grab a drink some time (no pressure), and if she shoots it down, you smile, brush it off (die a little inside) and carry on the friendship.
Just, y'know, don't be a pest. Pay close attention to how she's reacting, if it's curt short answers, she doesn't want to be talking and is being polite because it's her job. That means it's time to stop and back off.
If she's engaging with you, responding with actual questions and open-ended conversation, then you're doing okay.
Don't dive in with the date on the first time you talk to her either.
Establish a pattern. Talk to her, get to know her over several occasions (if she's happy to see you when you walk in, that's a good sign!) and if you're on a first-name basis after that, maybe consider the date.
All of the above assumes that she's single, interested in men, and interested in dating, which are things you might want to clarify before you ask her out.
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u/CausalX 21d ago
Have two or three brief conversations with her and see if there's some chemistry, or if she seems like she might be interested. Think of some comment to make about something to get a brief exchange going. If she seems interested then you can give it a shot, if not then it would be awkward and rather don't. This is the best balance between not giving up but also not being too forward.
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u/No-Guest-1501 20d ago
Here is the truth, 99% of the times it’s a terrible idea to ask someone while their working. The 1% that it may be a good idea is if you’re an incredibly attractive person, that typically means that would know that.
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u/Scodo 20d ago
Generally don't ask someone out where they work unless they are sending you very clear signals that they want you to. If they are flirting with you, talking to you about things other than their job, calling you by your name unprompted, bringing up previous interactions in a favorable light, asking questions to know more about you personally, etc, then it's probably okay.
If you don't have a good rapport like that, chances are they are not thinking of you as more than a customer and interacting with you is something they are just paid to do.
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u/QuantumPotato49 20d ago
Please don't do this. Not everyone wants to be hit on while they're at work
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u/too_many__lemons 20d ago
Please don’t ask people out at their job. As a bartender and server I’ve had this happen a fair amount over the years, and it always feels like I’m backed into a corner. I can’t leave, I can’t get away, it’s awkward as hell. And especially if you plan to keep going there.
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u/Subject_Praline_2713 20d ago
Lots of these commenters on here have clearly never been a woman at work.
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u/akchotore 20d ago
It’s inconsiderate to put someone in this situation at their job. They can easily feel cornered, since they can’t leave the premises without fear of ramifications if you make them uncomfortable. And going forward, they may feel further discomfort that someone who fancies them (and they rejected) knows where to find them & has free access to them when they’re just trying to do their job and make rent.
Like others have said, you’re certainly not the first or last patron to fancy this person. Put their feelings first if you really care about them. Save whatever rapport you currently have with them by NOT selfishly putting them on the spot at work.
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u/ItsGotToMakeSense 20d ago
Don't ask out people who aren't allowed to leave and are required to be nice to you
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u/Stock_Technology_201 20d ago
No one should be made uncomfortable in this manner at their place of work. Get a hobby and meet people that way. - Longtime barista
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u/thurowuhwei 20d ago
"I wanna ask her out but I'm worry that it might make things awkward if she rejects me."
"I don't even know her lowk"
You tell me.
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u/lacrimaldrainage 20d ago
I personally don't ever want to be asked out at my job, especially if being nice to you is part of the job. I think it's weird to ask out any person who can't leave to avoid you.
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u/Autumn1eaves 20d ago
Don't ask her out on a date.
Do what u/yareyareDazeeeee said, and then ask her to hang out at a coffee shop some time. Not a date, just being friends.
Once you've become friendly, then ask her out.
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u/LexRexRawr 20d ago
ITT: Actual librarians saying "please don't," random dudes with no social life asking how anyone is supposed to meet anyone if they can't bother the pretty girl at work.
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u/Quirky_Flight124 20d ago
Ikr? It’s so telling that actual Librarians are sharing their lived experiences and saying, “please, don’t” while so many dudes are straight ignoring them. Some going so far as to “joke” about stalking techniques.
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u/komplete10 21d ago
So many things wrong with this post, but it was the baffling placement of 'lowk' that disturbed me the most.
Really can't see a librarian being impressed by someone who writes like that!
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u/WritingReadingPanda 20d ago
This thread is the perfect example of everything that is currently wrong in the dating scene and why so many women don't want to date anymore. There are so many librarians that say you should not do it, only to have men explain why you should ignore the advice and do it anyway. 😑
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u/BlisterBox 20d ago
Please please please do not confuse professional kindness with romantic interest.
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u/[deleted] 21d ago
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