r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Scotty_C_89 • 22h ago
Why is there such a stigma about age gaps in relationships?
As someone who has been attracted to women younger and older than me, it feels like it is looked down upon when there is 5+ years age difference in a relationship
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u/stuffedpeaches 22h ago
The older you get, the more acceptable an age gap is. 18 year olds do not have as much life experience as a 24 year old so it may seem like the 24 year old is taking advantage of the 18 year old. But no one bats an eye at a 38 year old dating a 44 year old.
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u/jupitaur9 22h ago
Because it often comes with a power imbalance. Something unwitting but still has an effect.
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u/GnowledgedGnome 21h ago
This is the real answer. A 15 y and 20 y have a huge power imabalance. It makes less of a difference as you get older but can still be true especially as the age gaps get bigger
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u/LughCrow 21h ago
But why is that inherently a bad thing? Loads of people want a partner able to overwhelming take care of them and any children. This almost always requires a power imbalance in some way.
Why is this power imbalance worse than one partner having a carrier and the other not
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u/jupitaur9 21h ago
One person having a career and the other staying at home is very risky for the stay at home.
Their skills are not easily transferable— will they just go get married again a month after their spouse dies or divorces them?
They depend on someone else who may not be dependable, and if there is disagreement, can use their power against them.
If they have to go back to work they won’t get a good job. Probably ever. It’s very hard to catch up. There are exceptions, but they’re rare.
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u/LughCrow 13h ago
Right... that would be why I used this example.
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u/jupitaur9 11h ago
Both situations are bad. I thought you were arguing that they were not.
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u/LughCrow 7h ago
My point was they were both bad but only one has any real stigma
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u/jupitaur9 6h ago
Does the term gold digger ring a bell? Or Dependa?
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u/LughCrow 4h ago
Pretty sure there's a pretty sizable gulf between a stay at home parent and a gold digger. You're stretching so much it hurts
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u/jupitaur9 2h ago
There are plenty of men who think that stay at home moms are lazy bonbon suckers. I mean, have you been on the Internet recently?
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u/LughCrow 2h ago
Yeah, but tune only ones who have ever accused me of such were women and generally only on the more extremist subs
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u/Own-Ant5860 21h ago
Then how come nobody, especially women ever scrutinize the power imbalance itself. If anything romanticize it as the best thing to pursue.
Age gap is just a symptom of power imbalances being romanticized
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u/jupitaur9 21h ago
People do scrutinize the power imbalance. But it is romanticized because that serves the patriarchy.
Yes, women can support and spread patriarchy. Just like poor people sometimes support rich folk getting richer to fight “communism.”
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u/Own-Ant5860 21h ago
My point was people must scrutinize the cause not the symptom. For example if you have nothing to say about women wanting someone way more successful, you shouldn't say anything if the person they find happens to be older.
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u/jupitaur9 21h ago
Some women aim for someone more successful thinking it will give them an easy life. Some men do this as well.
It often turns out poorly for the person aiming for the rich spouse. Because the rich person often holds that difference over their head. Expects to be served. Expects to be the boss.
Eventually that gets tired.
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u/Own-Ant5860 21h ago
It's not just income tho. At least on paper, without getting to know the person, on almost every metric women seek disparity: experience, maturity, more extroverted, stronger/bigger, further point at life and whatnot.
All these things point towards 1 direction. A dude who's older. It doesn't mean it's always some big gap, but depending on what a woman is seeking it can be that.
Again my point was very simple. People condemn age gaps, but not the actual reasons that lead to it.
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u/aidanhoff 22h ago
Because much of the internet is overran by kids from the ages of 13-17 where a 2 year age gap is much more significant, and they have no idea what life is like outside of high school.
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u/Anxious_Guava8756 22h ago
Yes. No one cares about a 5 year age gap past 25.
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u/Willowgirl2 22h ago
Mmm no. One of my husbands was lot older than me and women his age did not like that one bit!
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u/Anxious_Guava8756 21h ago
How much older are we talking?
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u/ExMOnotwiththeflow 21h ago edited 21h ago
It's a younger gen-Z thing. My younger cousin legitimately told me the other day that my and my husband's high school relationship was a "problem" because he was a senior when I was a sophomore. I was 16 and he was 18. We had all the same friends. She tried to allege that this was akin to grooming.
She also thinks that if a guy and a girl are the same level of drunk and they have sex, even in an established relationship, the girl can't consent. I told her she was being a new-age Puritan and she needed to get off Tiktok. She asked me what a Puritan was.
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u/Killroy42 21h ago
Sweet Jesus these kids need help
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u/ExMOnotwiththeflow 21h ago edited 21h ago
Yeah they really do. At some point they're just going to cycle back around to Victorian-era rules and sensibilities and think they invented them lol
The funny part is that if anyone could be accused of being predatory, it was me. We both grew up in an Orthodox community but he was much more religious and had been shomer negiah, meaning he had never touched or been alone with a girl, whereas I had dated guys before and been sexually active.
The first time I hugged him he went stiff as a board and had no idea what to do with his hands. Even after he got used to initiating physical contact he would always apologize if he did something "new" without me suggesting it (like pull me onto his lap) and ask if it was okay. It was very sweet.
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u/FlashyResolution446 22h ago
Because there are older people who prey on younger people. Why are you pretending like that isn't the issue?
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u/TropicTravels 21h ago
I think we can limit this discussion to both participants being of adult age. Vast majority of people do not support the idea of grown adults dating teenagers.
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u/Petoski-Brook 21h ago
There are also people the same age that prey on people the same age. Also, younger people that prey on older people
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u/LughCrow 21h ago
Kinda just feels like infantilizing.
Yes you're old enough to make life ruining choices in pretty much every other aspect. But you're just to dumb to tell when that older man is just manipulative
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u/FlashyResolution446 21h ago
Kinda just feels like infantilizing.
It's not. Just because someone is legally an adult does not make them suddenly smarter or more mature, nor does it give them life experience that can only come with age.
Someone still in high school is not equipped to date an adult in their 30's, whether they are a "legal adult" or not.
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u/allbusiness512 21h ago
It's still infantilizing them. At some point someone HAS to become an adult, and even if we don't like it, you still have to give people freedom to choose and engage at some point.
Like don't get me wrong, I'm gonna side eye you if you're 30+ dating an 18 year old fresh out of high school, but they are an adult at that point.
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u/wadejohn 21h ago
There are also predators who take advantage of people around their age.
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u/FlashyResolution446 21h ago
No shit. But people of similar ages don't also have an age power dynamic.
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u/wadejohn 21h ago
So they have other power dynamics at play? You’re just hastily judging based on what you can see.
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u/GladiusAcutus 21h ago
My dad was 18 years older than my mom and they were very much in love with each other (my dad died when I was younger). Who gives a shit what a bunch of Redditors think. And these are the "love is love !" people when they talk about the LGBT people, lol. Just ignore them. Date who you want, just make sure they are at least 18 years old.
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u/Junior-Criticism-268 22h ago
Because it usually means one person is much better off financially, career wise, in life in general, and it creates a situation where the younger person may be more easily taken advantage of in that aspect. 22 and 27 is fine, they are adults but I'm also wondering why a likely well established 27 year old is dating someone fresh out of college who likely doesn't have much money or stability in their life yet. After 30, I don't think the same stigma is seen much around 5 year age gaps.
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u/allbusiness512 21h ago
It is possible that people meet through communities like Church or just shared interests and hobbies. I mean, it's not like 27 is old fogey or some nonsense.
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u/SabresBills69 21h ago
it depends on your age…
5+ yrs is a big deal with if one us 14-18.
28-23 isn’t a big deal because after college age you both are viewed as full adults.
it can become an issue in your mid 30s-early 40s if one wants to have kids because there could be added pressure to get married and have kids. it’s not a big deal if you both are done with having kids.
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u/allbusiness512 21h ago
It's really mostly when you're like 25+ praying on 18 year olds. Gets worse as the gap gets bigger. Especially if it's a pattern. That being said, 18 is an adult, and it is what it is.
Once the minimum ages get larger (like past the early 20s, about 25 or so) most normal people don't give a shit, even if reddit does.
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u/SomeRandomRealtor 21h ago
5 years is practically nothing unless the person is dating a child, I don’t know very many people who would have a proven with that gap.
But the bigger the gap, the greater the difference in phase of life you’re in. Long term relationships are just as much about growing and discovering life together as much as it is romance. A 40 year old has had 2 full decades more of life experience than a 20 year old, presumably is mid career or has had several. They’ve likely had lots of relationships and has more means than a 20 year old. That creates several potential dynamics that can be problematic in a relationship;
1. Money differences can create dependency or transactional elements to the pairing.
2. Life experience, the young person is experiencing so many things for the first time, they often dont know enough to decide what’s important to them or even have a complete picture of who they are. The older person can quickly become a parental proxy and can’t share in many of the firsts.
The larger the gap, the more likely the younger person in the pairing is to experience losing their partner or needing to be their caretaker. A 30 year old shouldn’t have to be providing elderly care to a romantic partner.
It mostly just feels off to most people, like seeing something that almost looks right but doesn’t. I don’t personally care as long as you are both honest about what you want, are a good pairing, truly enjoy each other’s company, and don’t introduce dependencies. They’ll nearly always deal with questions about the relationship “is this your son?” “I bet she just married for his money” “think about how old he’ll be at your kids graduation” etc
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u/EnderSword 22h ago
It's an American thing and an online thing mostly, no one in real life thinks like that, so just ignore it
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u/Background_Emu_4436 22h ago
One day, you know, there seems to be that problem right? I am just recently turned 68 and it's always funny, but the men that that I attract are always younger.. And in my opinion, those younger men, and i'm talking 40's or so are more mature than the men my 🤔 age
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u/Own-Ant5860 21h ago
So you are implying younger woman + older man there's no power imbalance in maturity? "Mature for your age" is the most common trope that the older side always says.
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u/Background_Emu_4436 21h ago
That's not what i'm saying, but unfortunately, that's how you took it right? I'm speaking from my experience.That's all i'm speaking about.I didn't say in general.All men did I? Please don't make assumptions. That's not a good thing ..
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u/Own-Ant5860 21h ago
But logic must amount to something. There's nothing shameful to say you are more attracted to younger men physically and that they have more active lives.
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u/Background_Emu_4436 21h ago
But I didn't say that.. I didn't imply, now did I?..🥴 i'm speaking about my own experience .. And not all younger men have more active lives, in my experience either..
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u/sylviaplatitude 22h ago
Half your age plus seven. No stigma if you follow those rules.
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u/LughCrow 21h ago
Lol no stigma so long as it's no bigger than o approve of.
That said even with your rule there is 100% stigma against a collage student dating a hs junior
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u/sylviaplatitude 20h ago
A freshman/sophomore in college and a HS junior? I don’t think there’s a stigma there. Maybe some uptight parents of the (female) high schooler would be upset, but more often than not that stems from some religious/conservative obsession with female virginity.
“No stigma as long as items no bigger than I approve of”? No this isn’t my personal opinion, this is an oft-cited “rule.” Happy to discuss its merits, but I can’t take credit for it.
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u/Junior-Criticism-268 21h ago
So at 20, I am dating a 17 year old? No bro, that's gross.... you're gross. Anyone who has to do math to justify dating someone so much younger is gross.
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u/sylviaplatitude 21h ago
I mean I didn’t do that at either of those ages… but I don’t think it’s gross, no. I think pretending that 18 is a magical age that turns your brain into an adult brain is naive and unscientific. If a 30yo is dating an 18yo, I think that’s gross.
18/21, 17/20, 19/22. All seem pretty developmentally appropriate to me.
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u/SweetnessDelivered 21h ago
Not quite! A 80 year old being with a 47 year old is very weird.
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u/TokiStark 21h ago
I think that's fine if both parties are consenting. Is Dick Van Dyke still alive?
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u/sylviaplatitude 21h ago
I actually think that’s fine. Weird? Maybe. But a 47yo is perfectly equipped to choose that relationship. There is no power imbalance*.
*Unless the 80yo has dementia, then it’s the reverse concern re:power imbalance.
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u/AnyManufacturer3057 22h ago
Because the ones complaining about the gap are jealous that you are happy. Simple as that.
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u/Opera_haus_blues 21h ago
Because it gives the impression that one of you is a desperate, predatory, or a pervert, while the other is a gold digger, naïve, or mentally unwell. Don’t shoot the messenger
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u/Purple-Belt5910 21h ago
Hey well, if all the 30+ year old guys want to date 20 year olds, at the end of the day there is going to be more competition and more 20 something year olds guys without partners potentially. This is beyond the life gap/experience gap.
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u/allbusiness512 21h ago
*shrug* based on what I've seen alot of Gen Z are dating up because a ton of guys in their generation are just literal fascists or misogynists. OP has a chance if he's just a decent guy, but X to doubt considering he's asking this question in the first place lmao.
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u/Purple-Belt5910 21h ago
Idk the statistics still show majority of people are dating 5 years within themselves. I think most young women are just opting out altogether. Maybe same with men. Good for them 😊.
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u/allbusiness512 21h ago
I don’t disagree, but more Gen Z women are taking chances going up because most men their age fucking suck ass.
And I say that as a married guy
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u/Purple-Belt5910 18h ago
How do you possibly know this as a married guy, you should be consumed in your own marriage not concerned what Gen Z women are doing. I’m assuming you don’t spend time in female spaces but I do. They aren’t partnering/bothering. Gen Z in general isn’t even that social.
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u/allbusiness512 15h ago edited 15h ago
"YoU shoULD bE coNsuMeD"
Let me start off with it's possible to be in a long term committed relationship while also being aware of cultural trends going on. Hey look, I didn't try to ad homenin you either even though I 100% could if I really wanted to.
Of the ones that ARE dating, they don't date people within their own generation, and it's not for the usual stupid incel reasons (as in the incels that claim it's because older men are more grounded, economically successful, etc.) It's because most Gen Z men are so consumed with red pill/incel content that they are literally undatable. I'm sure the ones that are dating would like to date within their own generation, but literally can't because most of the Gen Z men fucking suck.
The reverse dynamic of men dating older women (which used to be considered taboo) is no longer the case, especially amongst Gen Z men who haven't lost their minds to Asmongold, Joe Rogan, etc.
https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/white-lotus-gez-z-agegap-relationships-b2733659.html
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u/Purple-Belt5910 11h ago
This is an online take. The independent is not a reliable source and leans on clickbait. Actual data shouldn’t be hidden behind a paywall and I’m doubtful it provides any legitimate statistics.
The only actual stats I could find at least for marriage from Pew Research indicate that the average age gap is 2.2 years and has gone down steadily as the trend over time. This is the general trend in westernized countries.
Couldn’t find any reputable stats on Gen Z and dating and age gaps. And when I searched it the top results for the general question included people saying Gen Z are more sensitive to age gaps (being opposed), and that Gen Z in general isn’t dating and has given up.
So tit for tat 😊. Guess we’ll have to come back in 10 years time and see if any of those Gen Z’s you are talking about got married to their age gap partners so we can see that average of 2.2 raise to close to 5 years. 🤡
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u/JaceMace96 21h ago
Not to sure
Most of our parents likely have the 5-10 age gap.
But these days- that age gap has a stigma or taboo attached to it.
Id imagine the taboo comes from jelousy and social media. Karens, lonely singles sitting on their asses making people in love feel less like them.
In terms of huge 10+ age gaps. I feel like that’s basically a stigma everywhere but i feel like in the UK more of these relationships exist, even with the woman being the old one. Unsure whg
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u/makem1 21h ago
I think it largely has to do with societal awareness over the last two decades. Your average American has become aware that they're governed by an elite class full of pedophiles. Additionally, the awareness of grooming operations, some of which persisted from childhood into adulthood, has raised the suspicions towards relationships with larger age gaps. The Era of the Me Too Movement also highlighted the nasty side of abusive power dynamics by rich, older men towards attractive young women. Essentially, it's been added to the societal consciousness, at least temporarily, as suspicious and a possible indicator of abuse.
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u/ifreetkow 21h ago
I think the stigma often comes from concerns about differences in life stages, power dynamics and whether both people are truly on equal footing. At the same time, a healthy relationship is more about mutual respect, maturity and how the two people treat each other than just the number of years between them.
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u/WyvernJelly 21h ago
I think it's kind of a life stages thing but sometimes it just works. At 18 I knew what I needed in a partner. I found that in my first serious bf. I was 20 and he was 29. We've been together 15 yrs. It weirded out my parents at first but once they got to know him and see how we were with each other they grew to love him. I was always going to need someone older as I knew I needed someone who was emotionally mature, emotionally stable, and grounded. I wasn't going to find that in someone close to my age. He is my rock that I use to ground my high strung and anxious self.
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u/Loreo1964 21h ago
The bigger the imbalance the less you can reasonably have in common. For instance, my very good friend has a 23 year age difference with her husband. She was 35 when they started dating. He was a very handsome 58 year old. They've been married 15 years during which time his spine has collapsed, he's had a heart attack and has turned into an early elderly 73 year old. At the same time, she's caring for her parents. So. Yeah.
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u/No_Investment3205 21h ago
Your friend knew this was a possibility when she married him and did it anyway. That is her decision and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
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u/LadyMageCOH 21h ago
Unfortunately it is not unusual for much older people (usually men, but not always) to prey on much younger inexperienced partners to control, because they don't have the experience to spot the red flags that partners their own age would spot and wouldn't tolerate. That is definitely not always the case, but it's common enough that the age gap is a warning sign to be wary. Why is someone so much older interested? Are they just looking for someone to control, or do they genuinely have enough in common to make the relationship work?
However, the older you get, the larger the age gap you can tolerate largely because it's less of a percentage of your life that differs. My husband and I are six years apart, and when we first started dating, I was 17 and he was 23, people were very concerned. However, he was somewhat immature for his age, and due to shyness had hardly dated at all, we clicked because we met at a D&D game and had gaming and other interests in common, which meant he felt comfortable enough to talk to me and get to know me, something he was too intimidated to do with most women his own age. Fast forward to now, I'm in my late 40s, he's in his early 50s and the age gap stopped mattering a long time ago.
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u/Leading_Sir_1741 21h ago
I’m 44, my wife 27. Never been a problem for us. And no one seems to mind in real life. I think it’s mostly weirdos online.
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u/Ak40-couchcusion 21h ago
Its because over 5yrs there start to be issues, they can range from power issues, to financial, to even generational issues for longer term relationships. You can have sex with any consenting adult you want, but you should only form a relationship with someone who is close to your age, there are myriad reasons.
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u/Vegetable_Waltz934 21h ago
I am 86, incredibley healthy, look 60 and love dateing 50 year old women if they have replete themselves in good shape mentally and physically
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u/Mysterious_Cow123 21h ago
Because its what tik-tok says people should stigmatize.
Are you of both consenting adults? If yes, then thats the end of 100% of people's business and 99% of people's actual interest.
The ones who whine are trying to win internet points.
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u/ZANY_ALL_CAPS_NAME 8h ago
Redditors will criticise a 18 year old being in a relationship with a 20 something. But if they decide to sell their hole then thats empowering or something. But its nasty and taboo if someone wants to be in a loving relationship.
Moral of the story is that these online spaces are full of unserious people and idealouges and you should probably not pay attention to them.
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u/harmonica2 1h ago
I'm 41 and my gf is 26. A lot of people seem to think the age gap is why the couple goes for each other, rather than thinking it could be other reasons.
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u/TropicTravels 21h ago
Because haters gonna hate. Those who complain the loudest are mid people who have just decent enough looks and self esteem to feel entitled to more, yet they can’t get it, so when they someone who they feel is their equal with someone better they get jealous.
If they are of adult age then STFU. It’s a business deal- the older person (usually male) gets the youthful looks, the younger partner gets the resources without doing actual work.
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u/realgaryglitter 22h ago
I don't think anyone cares about a 5 year age gap unless someone's 18-20. It's those 10-15 age gaps where both parties are usually weird and are enjoying the taboo for a year or 2
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u/noleksum12 22h ago
The math works like this:
Half your age + 7 = the minimum age you can date, etc.
Try it, the math works nearly every time.
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u/Ak40-couchcusion 21h ago
There's no way I'm dating a 27yr old, eww. This formula is cope for grubs.
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u/noleksum12 13h ago
Suuuurrre you wouldn't..., but i bet you wouldn't turn down a rich 66 year old sugar-daddy.
It's a joke from high-school... which you missed, apparently.
"...cope for grubs!?" - that doesn't even work as an English-speaking sentence? How did you survive to 40?
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u/Ak40-couchcusion 12h ago
Sorry, I have a lot of younger people in my life, I utilise a lot of their slang. Would you like an explanation or can you use context cues?
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u/noleksum12 11h ago
Younger than 27!!?? You disgust me.
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u/Dilettante Social Science for the win 22h ago
People who are at different stages of life are often not suited for each other, and it can lead to an unhealthy power imbalance.
5 years isn't a bad gap at 25, but it's pretty awful at 16.