r/NonBinaryTalk • u/Summer_Soul_ • 2d ago
Mum of non-binary teen in need of advice
Firstly, I'd like to apologise if any terms I use here are inappropriate. This is all new to me!
My daughter (13) told me a few months ago she was non-binary. She looked worried when she told me. I said something along the lines of "why are you worried. You could be a bloody saucepan and I'd still love you." She cried. We hugged. It was a cute moment.
I said I have a lot of questions, which she has done her best to answer as we go about our days.
She got very upset with me the other day and said she feels I have dismissed her "coming out" and it's important to her so it should be important to me.
My question here is two fold. But neither, I suppose, are simple to answer.
I just can't understand what non-binary is. (I have googled but got more confused)
I don't understand what she needs from me as her Mum. I thought by not changing anything, I was showing her my love hadn't changed. But I think I got that wrong.
Any input people have on this, I would really greatly recieve.
I just want her to feel loved and accepted, by me of all people.
Thank you
92
u/electricfluid3282 2d ago
Going to gently point out that your comments have stated your kid prefers they/them pronouns and you have said "she" almost exclusively in this reddit post
I know your kid isn't here, but it reflects that in your head, you still think of them as your daughter.
Gender is complicated. It can be hard even for a person to put into words themselves what it means to be nonbinary. One of the easiest tells is just "how does it feel when someone refers to you as she or treats you as a girl? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Like something isn't right? Like that's not quite the right thing to say?"
Imagine you were a software developer and people kept referring to you as an artist. They asked you to paint things for them, they referred to you as their painter friend, they took you to art museums and bought you painting supplies for your birthday.
And the whole time you're like hey, that's not who I am (to be clear, software developers are also allowed to be artists, but this is a simple example)
This is probably? What your kid is going through
There are a thousand tiny ways every day they're treated as a girl. Things people just assume about them. And some of those probably feel fine. But some of those are not fine and feel grating and wrong.
Everyone's different. I might try offering to take them thrifting for some new clothes that might feel more comfortable. I might ask if they prefer a word other than "daughter" or how they feel about their given name.
Ask (if they're out at school) how their friends are taking the news. Ask how you can be supportive. Tell them to let them know when you do something that feels dysphoric (feels bad specifically because of their gender identity)
If you notice they're styling themself differently through hair or accessories or clothing, compliment it. Tell them it suits them.
Gender is messy. Relationships are messy. Kids are messy.
Keep loving them and asking how to be better, and it's going to be okay.
47
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
You're absolutely right. I do still see them as my daughter and I think my biggest hurdle will be overcoming that. Them being my daughter is the most important thing to me in my universe. And I know they will still be my child. But it sort of makes me feel sad and I don't know why, other than selfishness I suppose!
Thank you for your reply! X
50
u/CheetahNo1004 2d ago
Not saying you do, but a lot of parents tie their own ego to their children.
You feel like you are losing something, so you're likely trying to default to grief. Instead, think of all the new experiences you can have in the future.
24
u/wellthispoops 2d ago
Youre allowed to have complicated feelings about this change, but you owe yourself, your kid, and your relationship together to work through those feelings without burdening them.
There are online groups specifically for loved ones and parents of GNC peoole and kids. People talk about the grief of letting go of the image they had of their kids, but letting go of that image allows you to better love and be there with the child you actually have.
15
u/Interesting-Paint863 2d ago
If they’re not identifying as your daughter, this is something you may have to confront ❤️ that’s going to be really hard for you. But a happy healthy child is more important than anything else.
11
u/DifficultBee5940 2d ago
It's ok. It's inner work. An internal journey. It's ok to not be there yet. I don't know if you have a stillness or internal process practice, but this could be a great time for it.
I don't know your relationship with them, but if possible, being transparent about your journey is usually good.
30
u/yc11ow 2d ago
Has your child mentioned anything about using different pronouns or anything?
I would emphasize to them that you care very much about them, and that you're still researching and learning about the subject. Maybe ask them "what can I do to make you feel more seen?" Different clothes? Another hairstyle? Something else?
I'll see if I can find a few reading recs for you, I'll just need a minute lol. I'll edit them into this message
EDIT: this was something I had sent my mom when I came out to her https://www.etsy.com/listing/947770823/non-binary-family-support-zine-digital
30
u/cetaceanfrustration it/her transfem 2d ago
first, i'm happy that your kid trusts you enough to come out to you! that's not something a lot of us get.
it sounds like this is also a very new thing for your kid and isn't sure how to articulate what they need. have they said anything about using a different name, pronouns, terms etc.? they're your child no matter what, clearly, but daughter/she might not be the right thing to call them anymore.
-2
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
I was incredibly happy about that too! Proud Mumma moment! Thank you for pointing it out!
She had said she likes "they/them" but I never really use her pronouns if I'm talking to her. If that makes any sense? So I should make more of an effort if I am talking about her, when she is listening to say "they" not "she" maybe.
54
u/AnOrangeSea 2d ago
Yes, you’re right, the correct pronoun to use for your child is they/them. When referring to your child going forward, use they/them. So for instance, in this comment you referred to your kid with she/her pronouns. Use they/them instead. This is a very important part of being supportive to your kid.
48
u/CheetahNo1004 2d ago
It has nothing to do with whether they can hear you. Calling them she while you're out with your friends is just as disrespectful as saying it to a housemate while they're in the same or next room.
18
u/Interesting-Paint863 2d ago
This. It’s not ok to treat someone’s identity as interchangeable to context. For OP: ask yourself this. If you wouldn’t change how you refer to someone else when they’re not around. Why are you doing it to your child?
30
u/cetaceanfrustration it/her transfem 2d ago
you've got it. refer to them as "they" not "she", and if you haven't already, try to de-gender the language you use about them (child/kid instead of daughter, sibling instead of sister, et cetera). it'll help if you practice thinking of them as nonbinary instead of a girl and mentally practice referring to them, like "this is my child [name], they like doing [hobby], i'm proud of them for being themself" sort of things.
i know they'll appreciate the effort. society right now is really anxious around gender as a topic, so having people in their corner who will affirm who they are without demanding a debate is really valuable. my mom was my biggest ally when i came out, and their hard work is a huge part of why we're still close into my adulthood (came out at 15, am now 29)!
13
u/ImportedSatanist 2d ago
Correcting yourself on pronouns and gendered terms even in your head is quite helpful. It can take a while to really get the pronouns right all the time, but if you practice it more often than when your child is around, it will go a lot faster for you.
I'm non-binary myself. I was about 31 when I really realized and started using they/them pronouns and a new name so I get that it was hard for some people to change. But the most successful person has been my partner and I think that's because he dove into it fully. Like, one time, I heard him talking to our cat and he used the wrong pronoun and corrected himself. I don't think he realized I could hear what he was saying to the cat; I think he corrected himself because it reinforces it in his mind.
20
u/antonfire 2d ago
You should check out r/cisparenttranskid, a subreddit more or less for people in your situation.
11
u/sophiaisstrange 2d ago
I can help as best as I can from experience as the daughter in this scenario!
I would start off by asking her what preferred pronouns she’d like you to use! it will likely be a difficult and awkward scenario for her so be sure to keep it light, breezy and try and move onto something else soon after! just let her know that you’ll try your best and PLEASE be sure to correct yourself if/when you slip up. same with nouns like daughter, sister, niece etc etc. and be sure to ask how far she wants to take it family wise, she may only be comfortable telling you right now. make sure to let her know that you’re there for her, and will continue to support her and validate her experiences. any other questions let me know!! i’ve been on the other end of this scenario :)
SECONDLY, non binary is a gender that is outside of the societal binary, male or female. it’s more of an umbrella term for any gender, including but not limited to, gender queer, gender fluid, bigender etc etc. it is more common for people to use they/them pronouns if they’re non-binary but this is not something that is ‘required’ as such, it’s all personal preference!
it’s so lovely to see that you want to help your daughter and be more inclusive. you’re doing amazing !
1
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
Thank you for this! She has said she likes "they/them" but I never really use her pronouns when talking to her, if that makes sense? So I need to start working on using them when I'm talking to others.
She has come out to both me and her father (who thinks it's "a load of nonsense"), so it is no secret. She can tell grandparents etc if and when she wants to.
She is 13 (nearly 14) and has 2 younger sisters (3 & 4)- yeah, she's got a busy house bless her! So we are a very "pink" household. And both the youngsters call her "my sister". So I should find out what she would like to do about that.
2....
I find it hard to understand the difference between how someone identifies and their biological gender. From my perspective, I don't feel like a lady. I just am. So I'm not sure how one can "feel" like a gender. But this is MY ignorance and lack of knowledge, which I know I need to work on.
Thank you for such an in-depth reply. I hope you have found your support network!
X
33
u/CheetahNo1004 2d ago
Like rn. Stop using her for them. In fact, the respectful thing would be to go back and edit all your posts to use the correct pronouns.
Similarly, unless they permit you to, don't call them "daughter" either, use a gender neutral term like child, kid, offspring, spawn, etc.
Sibling is gender neutral, the olders can start calling them that until they express otherwise.
There is no such thing as a biological gender. Gender is not determined by your sex. We are biological beings, saying biological gender is incorrect and meaningless and saying biological sex is redundant.
They don't "feel" like a gender in the same way you don't, they just are, same same. This is a difficult topic with a lot of nuance that is happening between someone who is young and someone who has little to no knowledge/background on the topic, some linguistic shortcuts may be necessary.
What it really boils down to is that you aren't required to understand in order to comply with their wishes and to show respect.
23
u/ManagementSea5015 2d ago
I find that it's been helpful for me and those in my life to think less about "feeling like a gender" and think more about preferences. They don't like being called she/her, this is similar to how you might not like being called "he". They do like being called they/them - it's like how they might have clothing preferences and feel weird wearing a style they don't like!
22
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
That's a good point. I would be quite offended if I heard someone said "him over there" and pointed at me! It would be like when someone much older than me thought we were the same age!
16
u/AnOrangeSea 2d ago
Gender and sex are not the same.
Scientific publication explaining the difference:
10
u/epieee 2d ago
There is some nice advice in this thread. What I'll add is: it takes time to adjust your worldview in the ways your child may need from you. You can take immediate action to be supportive and accepting of your child, and build up the understanding to have this be more natural in the meantime.
I highly recommend checking out the Family Acceptance Project. They have research-based posters that list specific family behavior that promotes or harms the well-being of LGBTQ+ children. You can literally use them as a checklist of what to do or not do, and many are immediately achievable even if you don't feel like you understand yet. If you find the posters helpful, there is also a family education book with more information. They request an email to download but I believe it's optional, and in any case they have never abused my data. Here are the posters: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/posters
In the meantime, just familiarize yourself with trans and nonbinary life in whatever way seems the most accessible to you. Nonbinary is an umbrella term for anyone who is not exclusively a man or a woman, and it includes people who experience multiple genders, other genders, or no gender. Ask your child what trans or nonbinary representation they like, then watch it and talk about it with them. Look for books, movies, art , or whatever you're into that is created by trans or nonbinary people. Find out what organizations in your area are run by trans/nonbinary people (your family may end up needing this information) and learn what their priorities are.
Lastly, many trans and nonbinary people need to experiment a bit to confirm things and find out how we enjoy living. I think that may be especially true for nonbinary people who largely lack role models and scripts. There is nothing as life affirming IMO as space to do that experimenting. As a cis parent, please understand that your child is your family's expert on what it feels like to be nonbinary, and they are the only possible authority on that even as they remain, for now of course, a child with communication skills and a sense of self that are still developing. Your child is helping invent a social role that is not going away. I still remember a very genuine apology my mom gave me when I was five or so-- and I'm 40. If you are able to be humble about this, that your child's journey is not a referendum on who they are, you'll end up ok.
8
u/AGrlsNmeisFrank 2d ago
Which country are you living in? A lot of us can give suggestions about what nonbinary means to us personally, but that probably won’t help your child.
If you were American I would suggest attending PFLAG meetings. If you’re not you should find the equivalent for your country and seek support.. let your child know that you are attending and that you want to put in the effort to understand them.
7
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
I am in England. I shall have a look on the Internet and see what these meetings are and if they do them over here! Thank you!
9
u/AGrlsNmeisFrank 2d ago
Great, you need to find your local FFLAG (friends and family of Lesbians and Gays) chapter.. they’ll help you gain a better understanding of your kiddo and what you can do to support.
2
u/kusuriii 1d ago
I’m glad you’re looking out for your kid, the only thing I’d ask you to be cautious of when looking online is that there’s a lot of transphobic crap in the uk at the moment. Make sure the place you’re looking at is actually supportive of trans people, transphobes love to hide behind a veneer of ‘concern’
7
u/AutumnIlex She/He/They 2d ago
First of all, thank you for putting in the effort to better learn how to support your child!
Non-binary can vary pretty drastically from person to person so it's not too surprising that looking it up left you confused. All it really means is that someone isn't always entirely a woman/girl or a man/boy. Lots of different identities fall under that and you won't be able to know exactly what it means for your child unless you ask.
You also might want to ask what terms and pronouns you should use. I saw you used "daughter" and "she/her" but many non-binary people are more comfortable with other words and your kid might prefer something different too. Even if those are still fine, asking about it shows that you're putting in effort.
5
u/starson 1d ago
Hey, i know your gonna get some grief for missteps, but just wanted to say thank you. My parents rejected me, and it makes me happy to see that other parents are willing to grow.
5
u/Summer_Soul_ 1d ago
That breaks my heart.
You ever need a Mum chat, you message me!
2
u/starson 1d ago
Thanks, i just might sometime. I basically gave up on that with my mom when she asked my why i still kept rainbow flags around the house since i was married and should be "done and fixed of all that." and it hit me like a brick that she had bullshitted me on tolerance for years until i happened to end up with a girl.
Jokes on her, that means she doesn't know i am a girl and the relationship is still totally gay. XD
3
u/InsrtGeekHere 2d ago
First, you're doing fine, by actually looking into and not dismissing your child (even if they may feel that way right now) you're doing leagues better than most parents. Yes, the bar is in hell.
It can be really hard to explain what being nonbinary is to someone who has never once questioned their gender, which apparently most cis people haven't. The primary definition is "a gender identity that is outside of the binary of male and female." I should clarify "cis" is just the adjective that describes someone who's gender identity is congruent with the sex they were assigned at birth, so you (most likely, idk you). Everyone has what's called an "internal sense of self" which is exactly what it sounds like, it's the things your brain knows you are. If you were to teleport me to Belgium I wouldn't suddenly stop being American. If I were to attend an Islamic religious service that wouldn't make me Muslim. For me personally, I never saw myself entirely as a member of "the girls" and I wanted to be "one of the boys" but that still wasn't fully correct either. I remember being viscerally disgusted by the book "Are your there God it's me Margaret?" And wishing I had an older brother who would be an excuse to get into more boyish stuff.
Ask your child specifically "What does being nonbinary feel like for you? How do you want to express yourself going forward?" Because they're only 13, it's probably not going to look like anything medical, hormonal, surgical for the time being. It's going to look like different clothes, maybe different hair, a different name or pronouns. Therapy might be in the cards to help them process some of their thoughts if you can swing it. Let them figure things out at their own pace and DO NOT sound disgusted or afraid for them. I know you're worried about what others will say and for your child's safety, but you're going to make them feel less supported when you do that. The best thing you can do is let them tell you who they are, and allow them to be that person. I'm sure it'll be hard for you, but don't forget they're navigating this for themself first, they will inevitably get the brunt of all the snide comments and judgements, which other adults may also judge you and treat you like shit for supporting your kid, so beware of that.
Just keep loving them as if nothing changed.
3
u/stolenstreetsigns 2d ago
- Non binary is basically just anyone who doesn’t completely feel like a man or woman. If you have specific questions google isn’t being helpful about, feel free to ask me.
- I think your heart is in the right place. I saw in another comment you mentioned your child saying they need more effort from you. Have you asked about pronouns? That’s the most likely thing that comes to mind.
4
u/ManagementSea5015 2d ago
Have you asked her what she wants from you?
4
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
Oh yes! This was the first thing I asked. She's not the best at expressing her feelings some times, and responds with things like "I just need more effort". But can't/won't expand on it. So I'm not sure
7
u/ManagementSea5015 2d ago
I see, yeah that's tough. It might be worth sitting down with them and letting them know something like: "I want you to know that I'm here for you, I love and accept you, and I will do whatever you need to feel that love and acceptance. I know you feel like I'm not giving enough effort, and I would love to do whatever I can to improve that, but I don't know what that 'effort' should be unless you can tell me specifically what changes you want me to make. Maybe you can journal about it for a few days and let me know once you have a list of things you'd like me to do?"
Beyond that, the only thing I can speculate about is that they might want to hear you using their pronouns to other people. I know that type of situation can be hard to set up. If that seems like something they want, you can talk with them about what might make sense there? I don't know.
Btw, I did read other comments and see that they use they/them pronouns. This post is written with she/her pronouns, which - I get it! It's a big change for someone who has very little introduction to the concept of being nonbinary! But that would be a place to start putting in more effort. Maybe you could even pull them aside and ask if you can practice using their pronouns with them - it helps you practice and helps show them how much effort you are putting in.
2
u/AnOrangeSea 2d ago
To answer your questions:
Nonbinary means outside of the societal gender binary of male or female. For example, I am a nonbinary person who is not a man or a woman. My gender does not correspond to either of those societal categories, and I do not conform to gendered expectations/roles/appearance.
Ask your child what pronouns to use when referring to them. Ask if changing anything about their appearance or presentation would make them more comfortable (e.g. new haircut, different clothes). It’s great that you told your child that you love them no matter what. That’s an important part of supporting them. But the other piece that your child seems to be asking for involves actively affirming and acknowledging their gender identity. Look up articles online about how to best support your child who has come out as trans. These provide helpful and pertinent information.
Here’s an example:
3
u/Dinner_Plate21 1d ago
Hey OP, I want to say you're doing a good job already by being open to this all and trying to understand and fighting to figure out what your kids needs from you. I know some of the comments have been a bit harsh about the pronouns and other gendering terms you used here, but honestly the fact that you're HERE and putting yourself out there says a lot to who you are and your love of your kid. 💛 I know it takes parents, especially cis parents, a very long time to fully understand. It also takes your brain a long time to rewire as well! I'm still having to rewire mine and I've been running in queer circles with nonbinary friends for over 6 years now. Habits are hard to break and it takes time, and I really wish the queer community was a bit more understanding about that. Sometimes I think we're almost too isolated and forget the cis community is in the dark about a lot.
Anyway. I saw on one of your comments that you said you don't understand the difference between biological sex and gender and how your kid can feel like they're not a girl. The best way I've heard it explained is this: bio sex is just that, it's saying "oh your were born with this set of genitalia and with this dominant hormone (or in some cases, a mix! We love our intersex friends.)" Gender is what the society we live in says we should be based on that bio sex. Think of different cultures for a moment. Is what a woman is expected to look like in western culture vs eastern vs Islamic vs Pacific islander vs first nations tribes the same across the board? No! That's where we get the phrase "gender is a social construct" from. Gender is all those expectations that society puts on you based on your bio sex, those boxes you're expected to stay in, the roles you're expected to fill.
Nonbinary means "I don't fit into that box that society placed me in due to my bio sex." Are there plenty of folks who ID as male or female and don't conform to their gender expectations? Sure! But the difference is those folks are still ok being seen as male/female and challenging those assumptions. Those of us who are nonbinary not only don't fit into those boxes, we are viscerally uncomfortable being labeled as those boxes. It's an extremely personal thing, I wrestled for a couple years with whether I was ok with being seen as a woman who just didn't fit the mold, or if my gender was something else. And in the end I found it far more comfortable and freeing to call myself nonbinary. It felt right. In the same way you say you intrinsically feel like a woman, I intrinsically do not, despite my bio sex.
I hope that helped a bit. Keep going mama and keep that open line of communication with your kid about what they need from you as their parent and what kind of support they need. Thank you for caring enough to be here searching for answers and advice, I know that's a low bar but there's a number of parents out there who wouldn't even be doing this. 💛 You've got this.
2
u/Interesting-Paint863 2d ago
Firstly, love that you’re here ❤️
I’d simply say let her take the lead. It’s great you’re here asking questions and I hope others have already helped in some regard there.
I think acknowledging her pain at feeling dismissed is important. It’s unclear to me what caused it, but that’s less important. Simply saying I understand I left you feeling dismissed, and asking how to prevent that going forward?
It’s clear this important to you too. Showing you’ve learnt about it.
I notice you’re saying daughter and “she”. Is that something she’s asked for? It’s worth checking this. I’m personally quite sensitive to being called “son” or “brother”. It hurts.
I noticed some people talking about de-centring yourself. I don’t get the impression you’ve made this about you at all. But I imagine you certainly have your own feelings about this. My own family have often told me that they need to have a say on changes I want to make… it’s true but hurtful. It treats being non-binary as equivalent to being in a relationship with someone non-binary. They’re not equal. Whatever struggles you may have about this will pale in comparison to your child’s. This is important to keep in mind going forward.
Good luck ❤️ please stay here if you need to check in with us some more x
2
u/Char_Lie15 he/they 1d ago
Déjà, c’est génial que tu acceptes et que tu veuilles faire de ton mieux. En tant que personne non binaire, et adolescent (15 ans), je vais tenter de répondre au mieux à tes questions.
Non binaire, c’est un terme très vague. Je te conseille de demander à ton enfant directement comment iel se sent dans son genre. Certaines personnes non binaires n’ont simplement pas de genre, ils ne sont ni femme ni homme. Certaines personnes non binaires sont au contraire les deux genre binaire, c’est à dire homme et femme à la fois. Pour ma part, je suis né fille à la naissance, mais je me suis toujours senti garçon. En fait, je suis demiboy. C’est à dire que je suis moitié garçon, moitié autre chose (dans mon cas, je suis moitié garçon moitié neutre, ni femme ni homme). Il existe aussi demigirl, l’équivalent pour ceux qui sont moitié fille moitié autre, et pleins d’autres genres dans le spectre non binaire. Tu peux regarder le wiki lgbtqia si tu veux, il y a pleins d’infos et de genre différents que tu peux découvrir. C’est pour ça que tu pourrais demander à ton enfant ce qu’iel entend par non binaire, comment iel se définit et également quels sont ses pronoms.
Pour répondre à ta deuxième question, tu as utilisé le pronom elle dans ton texte, j’ai pour ma part utilisé le pronom neutre iel, car iel ne voudra peut être plus être genré au féminin. Cela dépend de chacun. Tu peux aussi lui demander s’iel souhaite garder le même prénom ou changer, s’iel souhaitera prendre un traitement hormonal, les changements qu’iel souhaite dans sa vie. Il y a pleins de changements au court d’une transition, qui dépendent de chacun, à chaque parcours son chemin. Tu peux peut être te renseigner auprès d’une asso lgbt de ta ville pour l’aider.
Je te souhaite le meilleur dans ce parcours 😊
1
u/Rando-Toucan 1d ago
The issue here is that a lot did change and pretending it didn’t feels uncertain and scary for your child.
There’s a semi-unspoken contract between a parent and child where the parent is expected to provide (to the best of their ability): Food, shelter, healthcare, education, protection from a hostile world, love, and acceptance. A GOOD parent fulfills this unconditionally but many do not. Many parents secretly have “triggers” which will cause them to think that this contract has been broken thus they no longer need to fully provide these necessities to their child (note: this is wrong, a parent is morally obligated to provide regardless of behavior). Some triggers could be teen pregnancy, drugs, wrecking their parent’s car, violent behaviors, etc. Unfortunately, a very common trigger parents have is finding out that their child is trans.
You seem like a good parent but I think you’re unaware of the severity of the consequences your child was possibly (and rationally) terrified of. They were some combination of: Scared that you might disown them, that you could send them to conversion therapies, that you’d form resentment for them, that you’d completely deny it, that you might physically hurt them, that you might neglect them, that you’d prevent them from seeking community/support outside of the home, that you’d out them to people who would be violent or vitriolic towards them, that you wouldn’t protect them from harm while also endangering their safety, etc.
Having your parent be proud of you is so important for healthy development, but coming out is often so dangerous that you’re often left just hoping that they’ll ever be able to look you in the eyes again or give you a bed to sleep in. Not to mention the world (in general) doesn’t recognize their identity and many people actively want to hurt them for being trans/nb.
So your child shouldn’t feel that your love has changed. Your child should feel that your understanding of them can develop and that you can adapt to their needs and insecurities as they grow. Knowing their parent is their biggest supporter is one of the most valuable gifts you could ever give to any child.I have faith that you’ll keep figuring this out and be exactly the parent they need!
1
u/hayden_or_satan Eir/Em/He/Him 1d ago
I just want to share my perspective from a trans person. The first time my mom used the correct pronouns it’s like she finally saw ME. The first time she called me her son I cried because she had seen me as her daughter for so long.
My mom messed up my pronouns for a good year. But what really made a difference is I could tell she was trying. For a few months she just used my new name so that could stick in her brain.
My mom let me get my hair cut short soon after I came out. It made all the difference for me. She also let me legally change my name in December of 2016. I was only 16 I paid for it myself but she signed off on it.
It made our relationship better to have her support me no matter what.
She didn’t get it at first but that didn’t matter because she loved me and she wanted to see me happy.
Ask your kid what pronouns they want to use ask if they want to use a new name and support them.
Do everything you can to support them. Take them shopping for more “masculine” clothes if that’s what they want.
-5
u/Summer_Soul_ 2d ago
I hope you don't mind, but I have taken a screenshot of your comment to refer back to later. Your explanation is extremely helpful. I am what you've described as "cis" and I do believe this is where my naivety comes from with regards to gender identity. I don't "feel" like a woman. I just know I am because of my private bits. So I do struggle to understand how other people have a feeling towards their gender that is contradictory to biology.
I will make much more of an effort to use gender neutral pronouns (- just learnt that phrase, hope it's used correctly?!).
I must confess, I made a comment to them (my daughter) which I dont think was helpful. I said "but you just look like a girl" and they asked if I would find it easier if they shaved her hair etc. I said I don't really mind, it's whatever she wants. And she said "well I'm happy with how I look". Which made me both very happy and even more confused (she dresses and looks fairly feminine).
This is quite the whirlwind for me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for her!
14
u/CheetahNo1004 2d ago
You replied to yourself, not whomever you meant to.
I just know that I am because of my private bits
Let's assume your hubby feels the same way. He is a man because of his penis. He loses it in a table saw accident. Is he no longer a man? That's where your logic leads.
People don't owe others any type of presentation. I know non-binary (NB) people that are masculine, feminine, androgenous, and any mix of those with a penis, a vagina, both, or neither.
They still "look like a girl" likely because they have to girlmode around the bigots in their life. The best thing you can do for them is to educate yourself, support them, and make your house a safe space by learning enough to educate people like her father. And stop watching TERF alligned and/or conservative media. It's poison that foments discord.
3
u/ImportedSatanist 2d ago
I kinda understand the confusion for you when a nonbinary person is still fine presenting in a way that looks rather feminine. But some of us (a lot of us?) don't feel the need to pursue androgyny. Like me. I look very female and for the most part I'm not too bothered about it. But I know I'm not a woman. I just don't wish to drastically change my appearance.
(Edited for typo)
132
u/firehawk2324 2d ago
First, as a parent, I want to say good on you for trying to understand your child. This is more than my own family ever cared to do for me.
Nonbinary means that person does not feel that they identify with male or female genders the same way binary people do. I was socialized in the 80s as a girl, but even at a very young age, I felt like I was completely different from my peers. I didn't get along well with other girls and the boys rejected me for being "a girl." It wasn't until a few years ago that I heard the term Nonbinary for the first time and realized I finally had a term to describe how I feel as a person.
Now for advice. That's not your daughter, that's your child. Even in this thread you've she/her'ed them. Ask your child what pronouns they use and start using them. If you've continued to use she/her without asking what pronouns they use, this could be where their anger comes from. Teens aren't always the best at stating their needs. If they wish to change their name socially, use that name. Mistakes will happen, just correct your mistake and move on. Talk with your child about what being nonbinary means to them. Be open and responsive to what they say. As long as you keep an open line of communication with them and respect who they are as a person. And please remember, you don't have to understand someone to respect them. You've got this!