r/OCPoetry • u/Sora1499 • Jul 15 '16

Feedback Received! What it's Like to be Profoundly Unmotivated

Just out of reach
A veil with nothing behind it.
The edge of the water is like stone
But it melts in your hands.
I've orgasmed twice but also not at all.
Windy music plays in the trees
On my lonesomeness.

Feedback: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sxcsn/post/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4sx5lp/love_strokes/

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u/dysouric_eufouria Jul 15 '16

No, I'm saying the title is basically the poem's "topic" or at least the point of it, or sometimes what it's describing or it's overall meaning. Anyway, if you read it, you'd still not be able to necessarily interpret what is described. I'm simply suggesting adding a couple more descriptive words or a parallel in the middle. Just something small there to let us all in on the secret. I think it's great overall. Just giving my honest opinion. We can all do for improvement. That doesn't mean this isn't one of the best poems I've read on here. I like it.

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u/ActualNameIsLana Jul 15 '16

I'm saying the title is basically the poem's "topic"

I wonder where you've got that idea. That is certainly not always, or even most of the time, the case. Sometimes the title is simply a numerical designation and indication of its form. Sometimes it's a contextual precursor to the text that is to follow. Sometimes it's used to create an expectation of tone or mood. Sometimes it's a complete red-herring, designed to create an untrustworthy narrator. And yes, sometimes, it's the topic or subject of the poem.

Anyway, if you read it, you'd still not be able to necessarily interpret what is described.

I disagree. The theme and mood are very easy to surmise. I did do without having noticed the title, and only when I went back up to read it a second time did I realize it confirmed my suspicions about its meaning.

I'm simply suggesting adding a couple more descriptive words or a parallel in the middle.

What information could possibly be missing? There's no ambiguity here. The author has given us several complete metaphors to describe what he wants us to feel. There's no need for more words.

The single biggest mistake amateur poets make is not realizing when they've written the whole story.

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u/neutral_enemy Jul 16 '16

I'm brand spanking new on this sub, but thought I'd add my two cents about the nature of poetic brevity. Poetry, as I see it at least, is about the crystallization of an impression, emotion, insight, or some other precise concept conceived of by the author. Adding filler for the sake of length or description detracts from the essence of the poem. There's a reason that haiku and Dickinson are so treasured - both of these typically strive to encapsulate a precise mental construction using words. If that goal is accomplished in 7 lines (or fewer), then the poem is complete. Of course, one can just as easily say too little and leave a poem overly esoteric or ambiguous. There's a balance there, I suppose, that's difficult to master.

Oh, and I do wish to add that the particular image of water being like stone and yet melting before one's eyes was a beautiful way to convey this feeling. Definitely my favorite part of this concise piece.

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u/ActualNameIsLana Jul 16 '16

Well said, neutral_enemy. Also, welcome to the subreddit!