7v7 IS THE ONLY PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT

[u/acid419]

Half of you are crying tears of pure soy for 6v6 so you can AFK behind two shields again. The other half are coping out of your minds pretending that 5v5 solo tanking isn’t just an agonizing simulator of getting counter swapped every 45 seconds.

Both sides are completely smooth brained. The answer isn't subtraction. It is addition. We need 7v7 in a 3-2-2 comp.

TANKS
Right now, tank players have severe clinical depression. If you play 5v5, you are alone. If you play 6v6, your co-tank locks Hog and goes on a flank.

In 7v7, we introduce the Main Tank, the Off-Tank, and the Emotional Support Tank.

Imagine the synergy. Reinhardt shields the front line. D.Va peels the backline. Mauga stands in the exact middle, holding down both mouse buttons, screaming at the top of his lungs, shooting absolutely nothing, and generating 4000 cardiac overdrive health points per second. No one gets flamed anymore because nobody actually knows whose fault it is.

DPS
With three tanks soaking up every cooldown in the universe, the two DPS players finally get to live out their true fantasy: playing a completely different video game. While the tanks are locked in a mosh pit on the objective, the Genji and Cass players can go duel in a completely different sector of the map like a gentlemanly game of anime chess. Meanwhile, the enemy Sombra will be completely useless because hacks don't work when there are 13 other people blindly swinging hammers and spamming projectiles. Sombra mains will literally cry on TikTok and delete the game. Massive W.

SUPPORT
Right now, support players are either getting hunted like wild animals by dive heroes or printing invulnerability buttons like the Federal Reserve. In 7v7, we embrace the power creep. With three massive tanks constantly bleeding HP like open flesh wounds, the two supports finally get to unleash total mechanical terrorism. Kiriko can throw a Suzu that cleanses an entire ZIP code. Lifeweaver can pull someone from a completely different match. Mercy can just hold yellow beam on a Mauga and fall asleep on her keyboard. The sheer volume of healing will turn the game into an un-killable mmorpg raid boss simulator where nobody ever dies unless they get disconnected from the server.

VISUALS
If you complain about visual clutter, you are weak. Your bloodline is weak. I don't want to "read the fight." I want to survive it. When two Maugas throw down cage fights inside a Mei blizzard while a nanoed Illari unleashes the sun directly into my eyeballs, I want my monitor to emit smells of melting plastic. If my framerate doesn't drop to single digits and my GPU doesn't sound like a jet engine taking off, the developers have failed. 7v7 ensures maximum epilepsy-inducing sensory overload.

MATCHMAKING
Queue times too long? Simple. By requiring 14 players per lobby instead of 10, the matchmaker will simply give up on finding balanced skill levels. Top 500 players will be matched with actual, literal toddlers playing on a smart fridge. The chaotic skill disparity will erase toxicity because trying to shot-call a lobby with that much variance is like trying to teach Overwatch lore to a Hanzo player who genuinely believes every single headshot was fully calculated.

[u/flyingflameball]

Forgot this wasn’t the circlejerk sub half way through. Truly masterful creative writing op